O. Curious. 

I hadn't looked in my emails since I got all caught up on them Thursday. I just saw that right when I was stressing myself out yesterday afternoon about not seeing a path through where I'm not a cause of hurt for Eric and also maybe he's feeling like I don't want him which isn't it at all and I got so upset, he was writing and sending out an email.  I double checked the times on both of them. And I still genuinely don't know where or how my brain started in on the "but what if he thinks I don't want him" track. But it did yesterday. And it completely derailed me into deep feels about how that wasn't what's been going on. 

But I only just now saw the email. Reading his email was no part of last night's existential breakdown. Promise.

I really loved the stories and songs from the email and the link to his Instagram post. Both of them made me smile! (yeah, I clicked through the links in the email. I've told you, I have a bit of the martyr in me that you should watch out for, but not the saint. I never promised not to give into temptation, I said that I'm not going to do anything to shift the balance unless I know definitively whether me moving closer or further from him would hurt him worse. I never said I wouldn't look if it was put right in front of me. I will fall for that every damn time.  I said I'd not give in to my desire to follow him just so I could see him regardless of if it might increase hurt if I did.) I particularly appreciated the idea that perfection is an illusion not a real goal. Especially since part of the logic I'd used in telling myself that he'd be better off looking for other options is because I recognize that pick any adjective and put more in front of it and there's another woman out there who is more any of them than me so he could certainly find someone objectively better than me by almost any given set of metrics. But if it's not perfection he seeks, then it all depends on what it is he does want. I still don't know what that is for him, but there is reassurance to me somehow that it's not perfect. And I found it interesting and important that it's not the perfect he's seeking but moments when he feels he has "the right place at the right time with the right song." That's a man who knows what he wants, even if he doesn't know exactly how he's going to get it, and isn't going to settle for "almost right."

Also. It was very strange to me, but the song No Need seemed as if I'd heard it before. I have a good memory for songs I've heard, by the time I've heard a song three times the lyrics are indelibly in there and I'll remember it forever. And the part of my brain that remembers songs INSISTS I've heard this one before. But I have no idea how or when I would have heard it. Makes no sense. No sense at all. But my brain is so INSISTENT about knowing it already.  And my memory for words set to melodies that I've heard is never wrong. I just wish I could figure out where I know it from and where I've heard it before.

I don't have an answer for that. Neither my brain's insistence it's heard that song before nor the synchronicity of that timing yesterday.

But I do know that the stories and the songs in his email made me happy. Very happy. Even if I didn't check my email until a couple days after he sent them.