Apparently, there were actually incredible auroras across Saturday and Sunday and early Monday morning. Just like in the dream. Some of the images even look like the auroras in the dream. 

I just found that interesting. 

I've only ever seen auroras in person low on the horizon, never overhead.  (because of where the magnetic north pole is, the auroras actually come extra far south right over where Wisconsin is and across an angle of Minnesota and Michigan -- so when the kp is above 6.5, I can see them in town where there's low light or go right outside of town where there's less light pollution and see more than dancing green.)  But seeing them overhead is one of the things I really want to do at some point. I also really desperately want to visit the Hotel de Glace in Québec, and if I can I'd love to find anyone crazy enough to stay overnight in an ice hotel/ice castle with me. I'd love to stay there overnight! (You can also get married there, they have a chapel made of ice/snow. But that seems less suited to most normal people (even as guests) because snow and ice isn't everyone's cup of tea. I also know of an ice palace in Norway and another in China -- but the one in Québec is the only one in North America. 

I also want to go on a dog sled ride at some point. It's another thing I've never done, even with how far north Wisconsin is. I've done plenty of snow shoeing, plenty of cross country skiing, I've even gone frozen waterfall climbing. But never dog sledding. 

Also. 

I just realized something. When I say that I'd rather he be happy than mine in my life, that's me lying to myself.... I want him to be happy AND mine. That's what I want, what I most truly want. Yes I'd rather he be happy than unhappy, true. But me letting him go, me making me do that -- regardless the reasoning or rationalizing I tell myself behind the behavior doesn't leave breathing room inside me for my own happiness. And every time I try a new excuse, a new rationalization, a new way to try to make me stoic through with letting him go, all I do to myself is find new ways to make myself unhappy. It never turns out different, I just reach the point I feel like I can't breathe and nothing matters except at least he's happy, at least he has the happiness he wants.

But. What if he isn't? What if he never was? What if every time I rationalized taking all the air out of my own lungs, all the light out of my own heart, by telling myself it was necessary for the sake of his happiness I was doing the same to him? What if the consequence of rationalizing the lie to myself was making him as unhappy and miserable as I made myself in trying to believe the lie was a part of my truth?

What good can ever come of anything you try to do that is built on the foundation of a lie you tell yourself until you believe it?  It's just as unstable a foundation as anything you try to build in a relationship with other people that has lies breaking down in the cornerstones. 

So I shouldn't let me lie to myself. Not even out of stoicism or self-martyrdom or claiming it's in his best interests or somehow what he wants for his happiness. I need to stop repeating that lie, because it's harmful if I believe it and harmful if I make others believe it. It's a harmful lie that I need to stop repeating. I shouldn't tell myself I'd rather he were happy than have him in my life. I wouldn't rather that -- that doesn't bring any happiness into my life.  I should be honest that I'd rather he be happy than unhappy but what I want is that he was happy while in my life.

That's on me. That's not on anyone except me. That lie didn't come from anyone else, it's a part of my own past choices and my own patterns and modes of behavior and versions of myself that I don't desire to be any longer. It's something in me, in who I have let myself be, that I need to work on and improve in the present for the sake of the future. 

So starting right now, that's not a lie I'm allowed to say any longer -- not to myself and not to anyone else. I wouldn't rather he was happy than in my life. I'd rather he was happy than unhappy but my happiness wants him happy WHILE he's in my life.

And I genuinely don't think we can get to a real life version of that spirit vision dream without first fixing this lie I've told myself for too long.  Nothing gets better without cleaning out the lies, including the well intentioned lie I've told myself for far too long. And after all, how can you expect to reach a reunion and recognition and shared joy/love when you're undermining the very idea that the joy and love in getting to be together is mutual? How can you expect to find shared joy, shared love, if you're undermining it by lies that say that shared love/joy isn't what the other person desires or is seeking? You can't. You're destroying it before you ever even find each other by doubting the other person's potential for joy when you have reunion. And that's not fair of me. And what in the lie is even worth fighting for? A false nobility? A false humility? A false pride in being saintly? Isn't it better to be human and honest than trying to maintain a facade of false saintliness built of lies? Isn't that the point of incarnating in the cycle of souls and being mortal?

(Yeah I know. I know I ask a lot of questions. I always have. Sorry if it's annoying. Blame Socrates. Blame Socrates across many lifetimes. And I don't have, or even expect to have, all the answers to even a fraction of all my questions I ask. I don't always expect to find answers by asking my questions, the questions themselves are often what matters.  The questions are a part of how I observe the world and learn about myself and others -- and sometimes I learn as much from the questions I pose but can't answer as I learn from the ones I find the answers to. The act of asking the question makes you examine the information in new ways. Particularly the information that you never did fully examine.)