I just found that realization about the ancient nature of my interpretations interesting. It's not necessarily better or worse. Not even surprising now I put the connections together. Just interesting.... 

Does it mean Eric has no chance to be with me this life? No. But the fact it happened and is still happening make it extremely difficult. Without acknowledging and correcting the source of the pollution, there's nothing the band can create or do that isn't poisoned to me. And the band is the very center of his life and the most important people to him. And worse, his sister's actions/choices on both her personal account and in the name of the band collectively mean that I have no affection or admiration in me for his sister and prefer to respect her chosen boundaries not have her touch my life or have me know anything to do with hers. In social situations, I will be painfully polite and scrupulously comme il faut - but I have no warmth or welcome or love anywhere inside me for her while her boundaries make it clear she wants me to have nothing to do with her life. I don't say it to be cruel, I say it as my honest reaction to her boundaries created by her actions and choices in response to honesty. And she's his sister, he loves her and is close to her - and that puts him squarely in the messy crossfire as the one most hurt by her choices and the consequences of them. And that's why I had decided following her choices in October 2018 that the kindest best thing I can do for him is let him go and accept that this was not meant to be a reunion life after all between him and me. That if I loved him, it was for me to let him go to find the happiness he chooses for his life and to quietly remove myself from his options and his life path with his sister and the band in the very center and heart of that path. 

I still think that would be kinder than putting him in the middle of this mess where he can only be hurt and his sister's actions demand he chooses between loved ones.  Her choices aren't his fault, but whether I stay or leave him so he can't find/reach me, he's the one who pays the highest cost and consequences for her actions. And I hate that. I would keep that unfairness and pain from him if I could. That's why removing myself without bringing this to him to arbitrate seemed to me a kindness to him, as compared to him being in the middle always getting hit by friendly fire and paying the price of her actions and choices.... I still think removing me from his options, something he's not yet fully had in his life this life, remains kinder. Right now I'm just a yearning and a dream and an energy in his inner life, I'm not a tangible presence in his quotidian life. He's not losing anything real in his life by me fading from his options and his reach. 

I still stand by the analysis that I should let him decide for himself what he does and doesn't want to choose to have in his life. I just still think that choice the best given the enduring people/systems already a part of his life and which he has built his identity and sense of self worth around. I'll let him make his own choices, but I won't lie to myself that removing me from his options remains the easiest, kindest, and least complicated solution. Especially since there will be other lifetimes for us to be together if choices mean it will not happen in this one. He has survived not finding me, reaching me, or hearing from me before....he can survive it again. and the other things mixed up in this that his sister's defensive choices set at odds with having me in his life in a meaningful way are all incredibly important beloved anchors of his life. I won't lie to myself or deny that truth. 

But it's his choice what he wants for his life. I've transgressed that before assuming what is "best" for him in given circumstances and it's not gone well for either of us. 

In my actual life though. Tomorrow  (technically today now) heading to Wauwautosa and Weston's Antique Apple Orchard earlier in the day. Then symphony tickets. Sunday my maman and I are likely heading to Art Fair on the Square (if her back is up for it) moved from midsummer to now. Then after that heading to work to get in hours for next week and then an evening Packers game while working. That's the plan. Then this week my grandma has appointments on Tuesday and Friday and then my birthday is on Saturday. I don't actually have any plans for my birthday this year, but it is coming up right quick!