After going to Takara for a sushi and sake lunch with my parents (alright my da had the teriyaki salmon bento box, but it comes with California roll so he still has some sushi) I did make it to Target finally for the things I needed to buy as well as the cat litter I needed for myself and the cat litter I owed Crissy for gifting me the cat litter in her trunk last week when I was desperately low and didn't have time to make it to go pick up more. They say to shop after you've eaten to spend less but they probably don't apply that advice after drinking half a bottle of cloudy sake split with your maman -- I spent more than I should have (and not necessarily all on things I needed -- not even on Halloween things because there was very little there of interest.) I did buy a lot of Halloween candy. Sorry not sorry. O and on that subject, I was mildly skeptical though curious about the Reese's Take 5 fun size candies -- but they're ridiculously good!!!! sweet and salty and crunchy and caramely -- peanut butter and chocolate and caramel and pretzel. Ridiculously addictingly good. (Also though, I've always loved Reese's peanut butter cups. I may or may not have bought a bag of Reese's pumpkins and put them in the freezer at home.) Also, it's caramel apple pop season (even if they do turn your tongue green) and I definitely bought a bag of them in my candy raid of Target and then gifted one to each of the employees who said yes after I offered them upon my return. As I told Jane (Ian's wife) when she stopped by, "Today is Happy Surprise Caramel Apple Pop Day!"It's amazing how happy it made people the random surprise and how much laughter it created at the end of the work day watching people try to navigate eating a sucker with a mask on until people decided to leave and eat it outside.

Also. On the scale from 1 to probably my favorite sweatshirt of ever, this beaut is $15 at Target for those who can fit into kids size clothing. 

Isn't that fucking amazing though?! Just look how deep that hood is!! AND it's a nightmare Before Christmas hoodie!!! Also. You can't tell in the picture, but the white on the chest of Jack Skellington has light blue sparkle in it. I wish they'd had a xxl girls sweatshirt (because y'know girls sizes, not adult sizes) because the xl girls is smaller in arm length and torso length than ideal sizing for me as, y'know, an adult... I may decide to buy it in a xxl instead/as well if I can find it. 

O, and I put my dad's salmon skin in a to go for the dogs and split it up between Audrey Pupburn and Sophie when I got back to work after my very lengthy Target visit.

That's it for my life update from today: Sushi and sake, Halloween candy update, and a kid's sized Jack Skellington sweatshirt.

P.S. The reason this post is a quotidian "this is my life" update is because right now my head and my heart are not in an over-thinking second guessing place -- I'm in a "wait and see, trust in the unfolding" place right now.  I just feel like... If I overthink or second guess or question things without reason, I'll start rocking the boat right as things are coming into calmer waters getting us closer to where we want to be, where we want to get to. What he needs is confidence and stability: in me, in the situation, in his options available to himself, and most of all in himself and what he wants for his own life. And he can best get a grounded stability by me not rocking the boat asking questions that lead to dead ends and what ifs that haven't happened and don't exist outside the maze of fears created by an over-active mind with a heart ruled by fear. So I don't want to over-think or second guess or ask questions that don't lead to uncovering truths but just take you down the scariest "what ifs" your mind/heart can make. I'd rather give trust in the unfolding and faith in him and time to see the path we walk and what he chooses for himself. Right now, my every instinct tells me that that's the single best course I can take for my own sake and for his and allow for whatever is trying to come into being without digging up the seeds to look for growth before anything has even sprouted -- to enjoy my here and now and the people in it AND most importantly to trust the future in his hands and his choices. 

If something shifts, you'll be the first to know. Well, second to know -- I guess I'll have to be the first to know by discovering it in the seas in my heart and amorphous airy shapes crystallized into thoughts.  But then, also, sometimes things crystallize best for me when I shape the amorphous into words,into written words -- it means I can finally get a look all around the 360 degree all the angles and general form of it. Sometimes that's all I'm doing when I write stream of consciousness -- I wait to figure out if I like or dislike what I unearthed in me until I've put it into words clearly enough for me to see it for what it is. My written words aren't always my final choices and edits of what's inside me -- most of the time they're me trying to see what I find and make decisions from what I see when I look at it with complete honesty. Scars and rationalizations and ugly parts inside me that sound better before you examine them too closely. 

But right now, nothing is currently shifting inside me and my primary goal at this time is to give him the stability and trust he needs to make his choices and pursue them as far as he can go and as far as they can take him towards what he wants most in his life. What better can I give him at this time than my complete faith in his choices, whatever they are and wherever they take him, and trusting the time however long or short it is for him to discover and create that future path for himself? I can't promise it will turn out how he or I want -- but faith isn't a promise things will happen the way you think best form your own limited subjective point of view, it's trusting that the absolute best will manifest no matter how different it looks than your preconceptions might have led you to think you should force in your impatience or assuming you know best. For all I know, maybe what he wants and choose involves someone else not me  in his life this life. Or maybe what he wants and chooses is me. That's not something I can know until he makes his choices for himself his own truest desires, I won't know until I see how his life path choices unfold for him on the course of his choosing not anyone else's choices for him or "in his best interests." 

And anyway, as far as Eric goes, I know what I want for myself and for him -- how I get there doesn't matter so much to me as long as I eventually get there.