I haven't posted here since the world started to fall apart. Sorry. I haven't felt the desire honestly....

It's not my first lifetime living through a plague, and overall humanity is handling it better than the past even if they're all panicking like they've never done this before.  Well alright, MOST of the souls currently incarnating have NOT lived through plague pandemics before -- and even those who have hardly remember their past selves (unless they're Native American -- I did what i did there and I stand by it) so I can't blame them for acting like they've never lived through a plague before. Because most of them never have. It's like blaming a kid for burning themselves the first time you tell them "This is hot and if you touch it it's going to hurt worse than anything you've ever experienced before and leave blisters full of liquid until it heals" and they think "uhhhh, that's too ridiculous to possibly ever happen" so they go ahead and touch it anyway even after all your warnings and all you can do is hold your head in sympathy for the unnecessary pain and suffering it's made then do your best to heal it up as soon as the crisis of the burning is past..... It's like that, but for making all the wrong choices and spreading the infection despite the best advice of everyone who knows a damn thing about it warns you. Yeah. It be exactly like that. EXACTLY like that! I really really wish people would listen when warned by people who know what they're talking about..... Seriously, all the suffering we could be saved.... But then, I suppose some things can only be learned by the pain that comes of disbelieving the warnings and doing it anyway and suffering whatever the consequences of that choice cost you.....) Anyway. More on how I'm handling the current state of the world later.

First, the personal plot I know you're dying inside to hear updates on:
1) I still have not listened to The Light. I have it, I own it, it's on my laptop and my desktop at work, the physical disc is with all my other CDs. But I have not listened to it.
2) Since unfollowing every account of every band member that I had followed (unless I missed Ian if I follow him... but he never posts anything anywhere, so I'd never know anyway) and the band account on twitter and setting the fb page of the band not to notify me or show up top of feed any longer, I have seen nothing from any of them. (I'm also 1,114 emails behind catching up on my inbox -- so no idea if they've sent any emails, if they did I've not even seen them.) So I have no idea what they are doing to occupy themselves in quarantine or anything they've posted or done to keep themselves busy right now. It's a void to me. I've also been pretty MIA on social media (other than posting beautiful/wonderful/adorable things that exist despite everything) for reasons I'll splain below in another part returning to the world so I've not seen anything from any friend bands/artists of theirs that I discovered and love because of Delta Rae. They're simply a void that doesn't exist in my ife, as if something cut them out removed those patches til I can heal up to deal with them.
3) I took down and put in a poster tube the 3 signed posters of theirs that have been on my wall for YEARS (After It All, Winter Acoustic tour with Penny & Sparrow, and New Moon Rising tour) rolled them up and put other bands' posters in the frames so that the empty spaces wouldn't remind me of what I put into a closet for storage. I also took my two copper mule mugs with their logo off the breakfast bar and put them away where I can't see them. I didn't want the visual reminders to bring back the demons of these months since Oct 28, 2018. Cutting cords meant all reminders. Til I can face it without the hurting and betrayal and disappointment coloring everything.

I feel lighter and freer since refusing to see anything related to the band or anyone supporting what happened. I am better for removing what Britt's defensive choices that she couldn't do wrong, her refusal to own up to her fuckups, and Eric's choices not to be brave enough to do the right thing but instead to aid and abet her system of ostracism had poisoned and turned toxic. I feel joy of cutting out the necrotic tissue before it goes completely septic kills the entire body -- whatever toxic bits needed to be cut off and cauterized completely to stop the infection and poison of Britt's behavior/choices. Which is what I did. I didn't (and couldn't) clean out the poisons it has put into Eric, I just had to cut him out and leave since he wouldn't cleanse himself or do what he had to in order to purge the poisons she created and introduced into all relations between me and the band or anyone representing it using the official band Instagram account.  If I could have saved him, I would have. But I cannot save him from himself and his choices.... (That reminds me of a lyrics from a song a bff of mine wrote for me 13 years ago when I was processing some things that happened when a male musician friend of mine sold out to an A&R rep with  shoddy ethics and a lot of empty promises and then moved to Nashville bought a house there. yes JP really did that.... History repeats itself.... Anyway, the song Sarebear wrote me is a song called Sirius & Orion. I own one of the handful of recordings of it and I have the lyrics written out. A lot of the lyrics are weirdly reminiscent of another take on Eric's song No One Will Miss Me When I'm Gone that I heard in live form a while back..... But a stoic version with the message "I had to cut myself adrift and go even though I didn't know where I was going or if I'd survive on my boat alone, because you were beyond any hope of me saving you."  Anyway, the lyric I was thinking of is in the end of the chorus how lesser men will try to use you to get what they want and destroy you for their own ends and the closing lyric of the bridge is, 'I could have saved you from them. I cannot save you from yourself.")

Anyway. I made my ethical line clear. I explained my reasons for why the past choices/actions and the continued gaslighting rather than confronting it and fixing it crossed the ethical lines. I gave opportunities to fix it. And I gave my "this is the end of the grace period" past which the consequences of your choices shall fall upon you with no mercy if you have done nothing to fix the wrongs you created.  You can expect nothing else from a Libra sun with a Capricorn moon. And if Britt knew even 1% of the astrology and mysticism that she CLAIMS she knows, she'd know that when a Libra sun with Capricorn moon digs in their heels on a matter of justice and ethical lines, you will NEVER outstubborn them or get them to change their minds say you didn't do wrong or wink at the wrong you have done -- all you can do is own up to your fuckup, try to make it right, and trust in the innate sense of fairness and justice to mitigate what befalls you once you admit you fucked up and start to try to atone and make it right. There IS no other course with a Libra sun Capricorn moon if you transgress lines of justice and integrity and ethics. And a Libra sun with Capricorn moon will cut off their very limbs if that is what they must do to stand on the side of justice and ethics. Trust me, she knew that and she advised you otherwise because her ego wouldn't let her admit the wrongs she did and needed you to try to help her justify it. But she knew right from the start that she knew she was dealing with a Libra sun Capricorn moon what she was up against the moment this became a red line of justice, integrity, and ethics in question.  And she knew what her advice would lead you to and everything you would lose. And she advised it anyway because all she cares about is trying to save her own ego and not admit she could ever have done wrong. She advised it KNOWING the place of hurt and depression and despair and clinging to any shred of desperation mislabeled hope it would take you to. She knew and she chose her own ego and pride and refusal to admit she had done wrong instead of caring about your suffering and pain she was going to cause you.

And that is the unadorned truth of her actions and choices. No matter how she tries to disguise it and rationalize it, she knew she was dealing with a Libra sun Capricorn moon and she knew what a red line invoking justice, integrity and ethics means with a Libra sun Capricorn moon. And she decided on this course to try to pretend she never fucked up KNOWING in full knowledge what it would mean going up against that admamantine immovable wall meant.  Look it up for yourself. Look into the astrology of what a Libra sun Capricorn moon MEANS on these particular issues. And then tell me how she could ever have known that's what she was dealing with if she had even a BASIC knowledge of astrology/mysticism and not known the inexorable conclusion this confrontation she created and refused to make right would lead to for you.

I feel free and light and healing and full of buoyant hope for the future since calling "last chance to fix what her choices poisoned" and then lopping off the toxic necrotic tissues that refused to be healed.

So that's where I'm at on that personal plot..... And as for Dave... he continues to be doing everything right and if anything he is more certain and determined about what he wants for himself and who he wants to be and why than I've ever seen him. Unless he makes choices that get him covid-19 death, he'll come out the other side chomping at the bit for the next time he can see me and FINALLY put into action what he's wanted from the very first day he saw me at Milwaukee Irishfest at their show back in 2012.  But that's about him and his choices and me being able/willing to give him a real chance now without being always pulled by someone else and hurting him as a result. Now, after what Britt did and Eric's choices to back her up on it instead of doing what was right, that is no longer a concern. Right now, the strongest ties of love and romantic lifelong interest in me are to Dave -- Eric burnt up every last one of his bridges and connection to me by going live on the band account with fans blocked for having been honest about the country music path AND refusing to make it right or even acknowledge the hard truth he was being told about actions of injustice that people he loves did in the past and are still trying to cover up and deny today.  Eric burnt all his own bridges. Nobody could have lost me being in the rest of his life this life EXCEPT himself and his choices. And he did that.

I'm not saying this to crush him or out her behavior patterns. for me, it's a simple statement of fact about a situation I accepted many months ago and taught myself to force me to let him go no matter how he suffered for that if he refused to do what needed to be done BY THEM in order for there to be healing. I still have emotional scarring in me to heal -- but the ability for either of them to hurt me is something they no longer have as a consequence of the choices they made DESPITE being warned and given many chances to choose differently.  I can only be hurt by people who I love and trust. At this point, I do not love, trust, or even respect Brittany based on her choices and behaviors since Oct 28, 2018. And while a part of me still loves Eric and always will no matter what he does, I do not trust him any longer and that means I must cut him off from being able to hurt me. And I can never let him back in to trust him til he has taught me I can have faith in him not to intentionally and knowingly hurt me..... And I don't have that. It will take time and intention from him and a clear purpose and determination to work on it. And, honestly, it will probably take lifetimes from him at the rate he's putting effort into it til I'm even ready to think about trusting him not to intentionally hurt me if someone convinces him it's alright because they say it is.... This isn't a "let me remind you about the things in me that you love and appeal to you and it will fix things" type of fuckup. This is you have spent 7 months teaching me that I can't trust you not to knowingly and repeatedly act in ways to intentionally hurt me and that means I can't let you in to touch my emotions because you'll only just hurt me if I do. And that is not an easy thing to fix once you break it..... It just isn't. I'm sorry if he hurts because I dislike the suffering of any part of the Creation -- but I cannot let it touch me any deeper or more personally than that if I cannot trust him not to intentionally hurt me. It's that simple now. I cannot let me care more than I'd care for a stranger or some unknown piece of creation suffering. To do anything else is to allow me to hold my wrist steady and hold a knife against it with someone else's hand pushing down and me offering no resistance to whenever they decide to cut me deep. It's  a suicidal complicity in emotional cutting that I will not allow myself to be a part of any longer. And that means acknowledging a part of me will always love and WANT to trust him but my experience of his actions and choices have taught me that I cannot trust him not to intentionally hurt me. the only person I can trust to keep him from hurting me is for me to leave and not let him reach me. And that's what Britt's actions and choices and Eric's actions and choices have taught me about Eric. That I can have no faith or trust in him, no matter how much I WANT to believe in him and trust him.

That is what Britt's fuckup in 2018 and her manipulation to try to cover up her mistake has made of this situation..

~*~*~*~*~

As for the current state of the world.... I'm taking it mostly calmly. I've lived through plagues and pandemics before and I've never been afraid to die or to suffer in any of my lives -- I've been through far worse in my past lives after all. But I've not seen my own death in this unless I let me get too skinny before it - so I've spent the last year fighting to fatten me up.

There is one thing that's hard though......

One of my gifts is to see the light of life that shines in people. And. that includes seeing when it's flickering or dying down to be snuffed out.... Flickering means it's imperilled and the life MAY end on current trajectory but actions can be done to keep it from going out if you intervene. Dying down to an ember then snuffed out means the processes are set in motion that nothing in this world can alter that will inevitably lead to death. Typically I see it in older people. Or suicidal will flicker til they reach their inner decision point and set in motion the steps to kill themselves.  And it's HARD. Whether it's a flickering or a dying down to snuff out.... It's HARD to see it. It's ALWAYS hard to see it.....

But right now.... I see the flickering of fates depending on IF they make the choices that will get them infected in those who are at risk but may not know it. I see the flickering in those who already have it and MAY survive if they get proper treatment at the crucial juncture.  I see the dying down in those who have it and it will kill and no modern medicine can save them.... I see it and I see it and I see it.... i see it in living people I encounter at the grocery store or out taking my dog for a walk. i see it in newscasters. I see it on fucking livestreams and social media video posts....I see it in video clips from celebrities, politicians,  and musicians. I see all of it..... Everywhere. In everyone whose life force is flickering or smoldering down to die.....

And, the dying part, that brings sorrow but every life must end in death. Same as every death rest must end in a new life. (Until you're done playing with incarnations and the lessons to be learned by incarnating.) it's not seeing the dying flickers and smoldering til gone that hurts right now. What hurts is the suffering. This particular death is EXCRUCIATING. You spend weeks trying not to drown in your own lungs on air -- and if you're sedated and intubated that causes such intense physical/subconscious emotional trauma... (Look into the ptsd of those whose lives have been saved by intubation. Warning: It ain't for the faint of heart.) And to die in that sort of terror and pain..... It's  a long lingering horror I'd not wish upon anyone. Ever. Not even those who have done me or humanity the most grievous wrongs..... There is a reason that doctors/nurses who know what it does are committing suicide when they find out they have it so they won't have to suffer or inflict that suffering on anyone else they might infect with it..... because they know how horrible this death is....

It's not just KNOWING they'll die (or may die) and how soon it's coming. Everything dies.  It's knowing the extreme suffering that will precede the death.... that's what kills me inside. It breaks my heart to see people right now. it breaks my heart to see that flickering or smoldering and to KNOW I cannot stop their suffering.... I can't put them out of their misery the way a warrior gives a swift clean painless mercy death to a disembowelled friend or the way we euthanize a beloved pet whose diagnosis is an existence of suffering til they pass away naturally and we'd rather let them go than watch them suffer.... Warriors give mercy to those they love and animal lovers give pity deaths rather than watch a living creature suffer.... I can see the flickering and the smoldering dimming and I know the suffering bad death of it and I can't give mercy to save them from the suffering. That's what hurts. What I'd give to a rabbit that got hit by a careless driver to ease its passing, I cannot give to a complex thinking human who knows its own suffering and is locked within it.....

It is a torture to me to have to be around most people or go grocery shopping or watch live videos or insta videos or even the news right now because I can't help but see the flickering and dimmings.....   I have been self-isolating and quarantining since Mar 13 (when last i saw We Banjo 3 in person, up in Green Bay) and drowning my facebook with beautiful joy giving shards of light and goodness that EXIST in this world so I can drown out all the flickering and dimming and suffering that is to come that I see around me...... And I'd have gone into this weird isolation the MOMENT I got back from Seattle on March 3 except I care too much about those boys and I had to read their soul light fatelines for myself, at every opportunity, in person and reassure myself they haven't changed.  The ONLY live videos and insta stories I'm really watching are the ones that the guys are doing (and Dave has a set schedule across the week for them -- Mando Mondays with Martin, Tuesdave coffee chats, W'Enda'sday, Throwback Thursday, Fiddle Friday with Fergal, and Saturday fb livestream dance party of full concerts of theirs from the past. And then lots of random lives and taking opportunities to post show videos or random performances seeded on the internet to uplift and bring joy and his inner hope/light he holds right now to those he can best reach that way.

And it's so reassuring for me...It's the compulsive need to check to see if those you love are alright because if they're not going to be, you need to steel your heart for the loss and the hurt before it arrives or else the sorrow will drown you.... Seeing them reassures me I needn't harden me to the idea of losing them yet -- and if I saw the flickering or dimming, I'd have as much warning as possible for me to handle my hurt in the time before it hits. As any precog does. I always handle my pain out of sync with events unfolding -- I hurt from the moment choices make the hurt inevitable if a given path isn't altered.... I mourn and grieve from the moment there is no way to save myself from the loss -- not from the moment the actual loss occurs... I grieve and hurt and get angry and suffer out of sync with the current moment of time. All precogs do.....

But, it does reassure me to have checkins on them so often. because right now, with how in flux EVERYONE'S fate lines are across the world and how in flux the WORLD/SOCIETAL fatelines are, everything is so muddied that i can't get a clear read on ANYONE, even those I have strong empath bonds to, unless they're within 50 miles of me with an empath bond to me OR I see them in person/in video form to get a visual read of their inner light.... Even my OWN fate lines are hard to navigate. I have to make choices for my timing to go on walks or go to the grocery store based on how it fluxes my fate lines or those of loved ones AND what I read in the soul light of other people I encounter while out......

And then on top of that, the NOISE of all the fear and anxiety during the daytime is DEAFENING and trying to block it out is exhausting...... I'm MOSTLY sleeping during the day (when everyone's emotions are such a cacophony of negativity) with music that soothes my heart playing and then being active and awake when all that noise of so many people feeling so much negativity so intensely is gone into exhaustion... I flip it sometimes, to come into work during the day (our family business is essential -- but my job can be done at any time I choose,  including with nobody here but me and my dog) when I can feel my parents and Sarah's anxiety about me mounting so high that seeing me is the only thing will reassure it and stop that noise. Or when I can HEAR how upset wound up people I know and am friends with are getting and I know that my light and humor or happy joyous posts on fb are all that will throw someone a needed lifeline so I wake up because I need to find some more or reach out specifically....

but right now, my gifts (espec to see the brightness of a soul light or if it's flickering or dimming) makes keeping myself safe easier, seeing people is the last thing I desire -- but the gifts drain and hurt me more than they help....... If I could, the best thing for me would be to go to a self-sufficient cabin with all my books and music and my fur babies and enough food and far enough away from EVERYONE'S noise. for me to fully rest without the suffering of strangers eating at my heart and my soul so constantly.

It's why in plague centuries, witches and those with gifts turn hermit. All the suffering of everyone around them hurts them deep into their core and they must escape the noise since they cannot mercy kill to end the suffering..... I know because I've done it...when the volume of the suffering crescendos even louder than this (and it WILL crescendo before it decrescendos....) it will feel like madness the weight of so much suffering....  That said, at least this plague, society is smart enough to recognize that viruses respect no gods and so with gatherings of 10+ prohibited in most places, church services are forbidden - instead of mandatory church attendance to pray the plague away and anyone who skips out on the cantagion fest gets burned as a witch for trying not to die of the plague.... so, I mean, at least we're spared being forced to regular attendance of that sanctimonious bathing in holier than thou saved by the grace of Christ fear-driven hysteria and plague spreading stew....

But anyway. Right now, I am quiet and isolating myself away even on social media other than watching the live content of Dave trying to gift back love and light to help hold up others with what is holding him up now and me gifting to my facebook friends the things I discover that bring me joy in the beauty that EXISTS. It's the only way I can minimize the weight on me of all the suffering that is and all the suffering that WILL be and all the suffering that may yet come to pass without proper medical resources.

As for Eric and the other members of Delta Rae, I cannot tell you if their inner soul life force lights are flickering or dimming -- and I can do nothing to help guide the flickering back to full strength for them. If I saw a current picture or video of them (or of Leo or anyone they care about) I would know instantly. But I have not seen any such videos or pictures since they decided to go live on Instagram on 3/20 after my arbitrary "I will hold off any permanent reaction or consequences until after The Light is released" rule with myself was passed. And, honestly, even if chance dropped an image or video of any of them for me to see, even if I saw a flickering or dimming, I'd not talk about it here. It's something that if I talk about at all,  I only talk about with the one who may die if things don't change or WILL die no matter what is done. The secrets of deaths are not for me to spread like gossip. They're sacred and private and only entrusted to those who can do something about them and can be trusted to use it to help not harm.   It's why it's a gift is acquired across many many lives and passing many tests of your integrity and strength to bear pain and other gifts before you have this one.... But, you're not a true lightworker until you have the gift to see the soul light, see the soul flickering that could be saved yet, and see the soul dimming that will be extinguished from within that body and move on no matter what you or anyone else does.... It's a heavy gift -- but one all true light workers who can do the deep magics of the old souls on the ancient path have learned.

And times like this, it's a terribly terribly heavy gift to carry.....

I did warn you what my reaction would be over using the Delta Rae band Instagram to go live while having any fans blocked on the account for the audacity of having been honest about the country music stopping them from attending shows in the future. It doesn't matter that you're no longer on the country label or you're returning to who you used to be -- what matters here is how you dealt with honesty and how you refused to fix what members of the band willfully broke because they refused to listen to honesty,

You have lost a loyal fan of 9 years over all this. And I don't intend to do anything to try to fix this. And I'll not be shy of telling other people about what you did and how you have behaved and why I stopped being a fan of the music because of how you behaved as humans. As far as I'm concerned, nothing's broken and I have lost nothing -- people who behave in this shameful way and won't fix what they fucked up or even admit they've done wrong, no matter how many opportunities you gave them to make things right from their fuckups, are not worth letting them cause you any hurt.  They cannot make me suffer and they do not belong in my life.

Mostly what I feel is I feel a huge weight off me having cut the cords of connection between me and all of them. I didn't even watch the currently unwatched stories from the personal accounts before I unfollowed them. Didn't matter enough to me to watch any of them. It was time to just be done.  Eric dug this grave for himself -- nobody else did it to him. His sister started it, but he followed her lead and finished it rather than doing what would have been right.

~*~*~*~*~

In happier news, Tonight started Annedemic!!!! My favourite band from Prince Edward Island (The East Pointers) are reading aloud a chapter a day from Anne of Green Gables -- one of my all time favourite books ever!!!!!!!!!  I am so happy about this!!!!! They're raising money to help with mental health services for people in the arts in Canada for it, but they'll be reading a chapter a day on Facebook live (so it will stay available for longer than the length of the live/24 hours that insta allows.)

Today was Koady's day to read the first chapter -- I'm so happy about this!!!!!!

I did the proper and posted about my Kickstarter coming in and getting The Light early. Everyone deserves what light in the current darkness they can find, everyone. And I'll not be stingy with what love and light I have to offer. Everything I wrote was completely true and unless you know me real well or you know to read between the lines of what it's lacking, it reads all positive. I even postscripted that people should pre-order the album if they didn't get in on the Kickstarter because I 100% guarantee they will have 0 regrets about the new music in their life. I also did a second post about my realization that my beer I'm drinking tonight is "the Absence of Light" and I bought it in St. Louis right before the Delta Rae show on June 23 and how ironic that is to have opened The Absence of Light to drink right before opening my copy of The Light.  I stand by all I said.

If you know me incredibly well, you'll notice that I didn't say I loved it, even admitted I hadn't listened to it yet, and I refused to make any comment on any of the members of the band being great people or how proud I am of them. I can't in good faith say they're good people in light of Britt's behavior and the band standing behind it in blocking me on Instagram, continuing to do so without ever once addressing it with me, and them once again using Instagram for exclusive content in their live listening party on Friday WHILE still having fans blocked for having been honest with them that the country music at shows was going to stop those fans from attending shows.

I'm a Libra sun with a Capricorn moon -- I'm fucking just to the core and I'll do as right by you as I can, but I will not lie for you and I will not cover up or excuse any injustices you are guilty of  creating and/or perpetrating.  It doesn't matter how badly you hurt me and it doesn't matter how deeply I have loved you in the past. I will still fall on the sword and the balance of Justice in all things. If you want better than you're getting from me, you have to behave ethically so as to deserve better from me.  No amount of my Pisces rising compassion will stop me from bleeding out what needs to die in the name of justice if you are doing wrong. I will not save you and you will not get a pass from me unless you face the wrongs you are guilty of and do right by them.

That's who and what I am this life. I'm an empath with intensely strong gifts and a Chaotic Good and I'm a Gryffindor and I am Arya Stark born into a family with better fatelines -- and I am a Libra sun with a Capricorn moon and Pisces rising. I always know if it's killing you inside and I feel it inside me as if it's cutting me into pieces, but I'll not lift a finger to help you if that hurting is caused by a cruelty or injustice you created and/or perpetuate.

If you want a different ending, then you best play a different hand than one of partaking in and perpetuating and excusing ANY form of injustice or ostracism or bullying.

I did the proper because it's the right thing to do. It changes nothing. I still have not listened to The Light (publicly I begged off with so many live streams from so many Irish bands tonight since they're in quarantine not playing gigs -- and it's true, I'm STILL not through all the hours of them I have backlogged on facebook live from tonight) and I don't intend to listen to it for a very long time. Not until I can give it a fair listen, without any upsets to my emotional equilibrium by any of the actions chosen by people involved in it. So I don't know when it will be I'll let me listen to it if I'm honest. I'll have it, but I don't intend to listen to it as a result of what Britt and Jessie created and set in motion on Oct 27, 2018. (Britt set it all in motion on her personal account the night before by blocking me for the same honesty. But personal is just a declaration of personal boundaries stating she does not want me having anything to do with her personal life. No wrongs were committed until the ostracism occurred on the official band account at which point THE BAND became guilty of creating and perpetuating a system of injustice in the name of the entire band.)

And, I still intend to keep the precise letter of my promise to myself that I will see this through til the release of The Light on 3/20 -- but with no change on the grievous wrong they've done and are intending to perpetuate, the MOMENT they go live on their Instagram account under a system of ostracism over fans who have been honest is the moment I will go ahead and unfollow every member of the band on Instagram, unfollow the band and every account associated with it on twitter, and set the band's facebook page to not show updates first and not send me notifications over posts but leaving it liked out of proper deference for a band whose people I can no longer respect but whose music I have loved.

That's the level of serious I am about just how ethically wrong this behavior is and has been (and would be from ANY official band account) since Oct 28, 2018.  Nearly 17 months and clear communication from me about it is enough. I am not going to message anyone further about the reasons that Instagram live party puts them morally in the wrong side of justice and makes them bullies via ostracism and cowards for never addressing or dealing with it. I tried enough. I'm done telling them directly why they're in the wrong because I'm sick of being ignored and gaslit over it. They have had plenty of opportunities to deal with it, both individually and collectively and they have chosen not to. So I'm done with telling them how deeply they're on the wrong side of ethics as a result of these actions and choices. Once we're past the official release of The Light on 3/20, I am free of my self-imposed rules of giving them more chances than they deserve to fix this. And I intend to use their next proof that they stand behind their past wrongs and see nothing wrong with being bullies via ostracism as my moment to cut the cords I still have kept to them and lines of communication I have kept open with them. That is my intention, I have told you since August when Eric went live on the band's instagram account even after my very public responses about why that is unfair on facebook, on twitter to the band, and on twitter to him personally. I have not been convinced even the slightest that this is in any way an unjust set of reactions from me given their failure to even respond at any point to this very real ethical wrong they are guilty of.

3/20 will be when I sever the ties. And if you want to see if I'm bluffing, go forward as if I have not said what I have said. But I promise you I am not bluffing and I am done with benefit of the doubt chances to prove me wrong. After the album is officially released, there will be nothing standing between you and the just consequences of your own choices and actions....

Test me because you think I'm bluffing, and I will skewer you through the heart and leave you to die and not feel bad about it because it's what you chose by your actions.

I would do the same to myself if I found myself guilty of this sort of behavior and I did nothing to make it right but only continued to perpetuate this form of bullying.

~*~*~*~*~*~

In other news, Tarot by Bronx, once again she was right on the money with her March Libra reading. Dayumn!!!!

I'm going to go water all my 100+ plants at work now. (yes I know it's nearly 2am -- but to best self-quarantine after having been in Kirkland first so long right when it was brought into the nursing home by someone and so many people died and thus there's a chance I may be an asymptomatic carrier and we have people at work who are diabetic and pre-diabetic, I'm currently working from about 8pm or 9pm until sunrise.  I also haven't seen my grandmother who I normally assist to run errands and go to appointments since before I flew out to visit my sister Miche and her family.....)

And after I'm done watering all my plants, I'm going to have some Greek yogurt with grapefruit marmalade and a big glass of POM juice for late night snack and rewatch Dave's livestream from today. Well, Dave and Scott Mulvahill, because Scott knocked on his door part way through (Dave lives at Scott's house) so he could join the fun. Scott is a darling -- bit too Christian for my tastes, but a darling.

And honestly, everything about that today made my heart so very very happy!!!!! Including how intensely happy and in a good inner place Dave currently is. (Yeah, I have been dming him and making it clearer to him where my heart is when it comes to him and how deeply I've grown to care about him. I won't say that's why, but I can't in good faith tell you it has nothing to do with it....)

*giggles*

Last night,  Dave promised lots of content to stay connected.  Today Dave has decided that at noon he's going on facebook live for an hour for "a coffee chat" of him playing songs and drinking coffee and to just ask him anything and he's going to make it a weekly thing. And he's reminding people about it just now on insta that he'll be going live on facebook soon.

I do love when I'm right! Especially when it means getting something I want! Which in this case is getting to see more of Dave! 💖

In unrelated news,  Eric went live on the band instagram account a few nights back which I couldn't watch due to being blocked for having been honest back on Oct 28, 2018 that the country music was going to stop me attending further Delta Rae shows. It made me lose respect for him that he is taking an active role in bullying from that account.  Made me shut him out more deeply from reaching me via the bond and want nothing to do with him in my life if a bully is the sort of person he chooses to be...  And he just shared to his personal account about an Instagram live listening party for the new album release.  But guess who won't be there due to the ostracism that makes his post just more bullying from him since I've told him before about me being blocked on the band account and why it happened? This girl.  To this day,  nobody from the band has unblocked me or will even respond if I bring up what happened - so I'm done with them. Honestly,  seeing that from Eric makes me less inclined to even want to listen to the album at all, even once my Kickstarter package arrives....  The ostracism and bullying behaviors from the official band instagram account and him choosing to take part in it are really that big a deal... My reaction is, and always will be,  revulsion at those actions of intentional cruelty, not a desire to be included. My sympathy for him and my excitement for the new album are both non-existant at this point - both evaporated due to the ostracism and bullying behaviors surrounding the official band instagram account since Oct.  28, 2018 that were only exacerbated by him going live there end of August 2019. Honestly. He is doing this to himself at this point....

But in happier news... I get to see Dave again in 45mins!!! And that makes my heart so very happy!!!  😍 Doesn't much matter to me what he does,  I'm just happy about it since he posted about this morning!!!  💖

Soooo, I know I'll get to see them again in June, and that honestly it's really not THAT far away.....  And that publicly I did the "it was the right call and I'm excited it just means I'll get to see you again when I wasn't expecting to" to spin a bright side from a disappointment.  And I will, get to see them in June in Milwaukee now as well as July in Chicago.

But tonight I found myself missing Dave. Missing the way he lights up whenever he looks at me and how much he feels but can't ever seem to say when he sees me and even how embarrassed and flustered I can make him sometimes....  And missing the way I just want to hug him to make him feel better about whatever has him overthinking or feeling too much.

I know he's quite certain in himself now what he wants and quite determined. Same as I know he was frustrated as hell that he had FINALLY got himself to a point in his head and heart and life circumstances and had a plan for how he was going to make things work, but then it all got scuttled due to covid-19 and having to social distance and cancel shows and all....

And all day, the further and further he drove away from being physically near to me, the more I just felt in myself how much I didn't want that..... Which is new. Normally it's a bit of a sad bittersweet thing when it will be a bit of a while before I next see them, but the fact that him driving away felt wrong somehow and made me so very sad the further and further he was from me -- that's new.

I wasn't expecting that..... Maybe i should have been, but I wasn't. 

I'm so glad that We Banjo 3 has postponed the rest of this leg of their tour and are all heading home to weather this - Milwaukee has already been rescheduled for June!!!

That said,  I'm so grateful and happy to have had tonight's show as the last of the 3 night run!!! It was so good!!!  😍  AND they did a facebook live of the ENTIRE show for everyone not there tonight and also for me to rewatch!!!!

That said,  even with the fb live,  Dave was super adorably bad with his constant fixation and joy staring at me.  And it was extra obvious given I was in the front row on the side of Enda (banjo player) on the other half the stage.  But he's so full of love and light and hope and desire and determined knowing what he wants for his future.  I've never seen him like this before,  not in all 8 years since crossing paths!

Nothing happened overtly said between us - but I also told him straight out if he weren't taking care of himself so carefully I'd run away to protect him rather than having me accidentally get him sick.  (He has a comorbidity outside the age stats - but he told me about it last year in private.) I hope he's flying home to his parents in Galway where he'll have real health care if treatment is needed - but then again he'd not want to bring it to them.... at least he'll not be on the road.

Also,  the two new songs promised to be on the next album were played for the facebook live tonight!!!  And,  two nights ago on my first hearing them,  he asked for my reactions,  and then has actually taken my advice into how they're workshopping and building the songwriting better before recording them!! 😍 The first one, without a name but which I call Believe has been in my head constantly since first hearing it.  And I've been falling asleep to the second iteration of the chorus  every night since then - his voice like a manyra singing through my sleep:
"I believe in love my dear,  I believe in love.
I believe in love my dear,  that is and always was.
I believe in love my dear,  I believe in love.
I believe in love my dear,  and maybe love's enough."

It's a nice peaceful thing to fall asleep to.  And it strengthens the karmic bond between Dave and me,  while drowning out even the echoes from any other strong karmic bond in me.

All my Match concert plans are officially cancelled.  Which is sad but for the best. Nothing more for me to look forward to this month except getting an early start in my garden at work  - though now Dave and his brothers  (biological and band brothers) know how delighted I get from happy surprises, I expect lots of them are in my future,  lol.

I get to see Dave and the other guys in We Banjo 3 tomorrow!! (Well, tonight now) and then every night in a row though Sunday night in Minneapolis!!!!

I don't have anything else to say -- I'm just really happy and excited to see them. Doesn't even bother me that much that I don't have guaranteed hugs at every night since they're not doing free meet and greets after the show (as they've done from the start of their career as indie musicians from Galway Ireland) due to Covid-19 and not wanting to be a path of spreading it. Honest, I'm not worried about me getting sick, but I'd hate to know that I was asymptomatic and spread it to someone who died from it -- and I know all four of those guys well enough to know they'd feel absolutely gutted if they were guilty of that. So I'd rather not have the meet and greets right now and not get sweaty Irish hugs every time I see them for the duration that it's a real possibility they could be stuck living with that on their conscience. And right now, with covid-19, for at risk people it's a real possibility...and so not hugging people and being a vector to infect an elderly fan or one with comorbidity factors you don't know is the responsible thing and I'll forego something makes me happy for that reason. (it's my personal belief from the science and the anecdotal timing of everyone getting sick with these exact symptoms that it's been in the US since early January if not late December. Which means it's already here, just not been properly testing for it. if i had a sore throat or any of the symptoms right now, i'd not be touching anything that could be a vector for getting anyone else sick -- just in case. i'm actually on self imposed quarantine from helping my grandma with her errands for 2 weeks following my trip to Kirkland where it's known to have been.) 

And also, I know that as soon as it's safe to do so, they'll go right back to giving every fan the attention of truly seeing them to thank them by whatever hugs, signatures, and selfies the fans desire. It's their way of saying thank you for being there for them and giving them their entire life and supporting their livelihood so they can spread the message they're trying to spread. That's the POINT of free meet and greets for EVERY ticket purchaser after the show -- it's to say "thank you for supporting us so we could do this" to EVERY fan and not just those who can afford to pay you more than the original ticket for the honor of being in your presence. (Paid meet and greets are elitest bullshit scams to make money, NOT a way of thanking the fans. They're a way to extort money by giving someone an ego boost that they're "better" than the average fans because they're willing to spend more money.  It's about the ego and competition, not about genuine gratitude or love. And as a fan and someone who has worked with indie bands since I was 17, I will never change my mind on this. Ever.)

Anyway. I don't have guaranteed hugs after every show across these five days and that's alright. I still know they love me and that as soon as it's safe to do so, there will be hugs for me and everyone else who loves them and their music enough to make their livelihoods possible. I can forego hugs now knowing that it will mean more hugs and better hugs later.  I'm just excited and happy to get to see them again so soon and to have 5 nights of seeing them in a row to look forward to! Then I'll see them next on March 21 in St. Louis (I have Aoife O'Donovan tickets at Stoughton Opera House on the 20th, and then driving down to St. Louis afterward to get to spend the day there before the WB3 show.) And then I don't think I have plans to see them til July when they'll be back in Chicago. At least as far as I know at this time, there are no plans to see them in between. But I could be wrong..

The pepper plants I brought in from the summer developed an absolutely horrible case of scale while i was away. All the plants were watered right before I got back, so tonight was the first I've been back to water them and talk to them and prune them.

I started crying when i saw it...... It was that bad.....

I haven't yet found scale on anything else, though there are some that feel mildly sickly since I've gotten back that I'm keeping an eye on.

The scale on those 4 pepper plants is so bad they're unsalvageable....The entire plant on 2 of them and all over the other 2 in patches. beyond cutting off affected limbs and treating. I had to put them outside to die.

And now I can hear the plants outside dying and crying out and suffering and it hurts to hear them......

I KNOW that pepper plants are only to be treated as annuals, but usually mine lat me through an entire year and sometimes two.

And any plant screaming like that would hurt me..... It hurts so badly right now as an empath with a green thumb to hear their pain and confusion and to know it's my fault......

But I had to. Before they hatch and spread further than those plants already affected.....

But I can't stand hearing them suffer like this.  I have to. but I wish I could put them out of their misery. but even chopping down all the branches then letting it freeze won''t make them die any quicker or stop their screaming.....

It's breaking my heart to hear them, even through the walls and doors between me and the pepper plants (and the scale on them) dying.....

~*~*~*~*~

In happier plant news, I talked to my almond tree last week after I got back asked her if she was ready to wake up. She's been bagged and dormant all winter. She agreed with me and so I woke her up ((usually a week before I unbag her) and just unbagged her and moved her to somewhere she can get sunlight. She has all sort of new green twigs she's put out in the last week as well as having no dead branches for me to trim!!!!!  Once the budding and flowering starts, I'll have a better idea if there's anything to trim off.

Also, be proud of me for moving her all by myself -- she IS a full tree planted in a whiskey barrel full of soil after all. And moving her is a heavy business, lol. I ought to have waited til tomorrow when my da or someone else stronger than me was here to help. but i got stubborn and decided it HAD to be done tonight before I could water her. Sooooo, here we are, but I got it done. Gonna be sore tomorrow/Weds, but got it done!

This morning,  I saw that Eric had once again (but for the first time in weeks) shared a story to his instagram account that I couldn't see (presumably a post from the official Delta Rae instagram account, from which I was blocked on Oct 27, 2018 without any messages or warnings from anyone associated with the account or the account itself after saying that as much as I loved Hands Dirty,  I was sad that I'd likely never get to see it live as the country music was causing me too much pain due to my color-timbre synesthesia mediated absolute pitch for me to attend any further of their shows so long as country music was any part of it - and every time I've brought up the fact this happened on the band account to the band,  anyone in the band,  or anyone representing the band,  by any medium of contact public or private I just get gaslit ignored with no response.  From anyone.  Ever.)

And at first it re-triggered all my hurt and anger at him for his part in the gaslighting of what happened and his active bullying on going live on the band account back in August. I felt all that hurt and anger again, and then as hot as it burned I snuffed it out and I said to myself,  "No.  Fuck this.  This is too petty and stupid to let it hurt me.  And if the band doesn't want me as a fan, as these actions and the continuing behaviors associated with these choices Britt and Jessie made in 2018 and nobody else has been willing to fix,  then fuck them and forget them. if this is who they choose to be and the sorts of behaviors and actions they'll stand for and be party to having done in their name, then they are not worth my time or emotional energy or giving them space in my heart."

and so then I decided,  as a direct result of these past choices that created the system of injustice via ostracism and the present actions that perpetuate that form of bullying, that I would have nothing to do with the AMA and that I wouldn't listen to the new single and that I'd not watch any of Eric's subsequent stories for the day.  I'm going to treat Britt precisely as her behaviors and actions ask of me - the band Delta Rae simply doesn't exist to me nor does anything new they create or do since late October of 2018.

And if that's a problem for you,  then fix what Britt and Jessie broke.  Otherwise, the only option I will give you is accepting being erased from my life as me accepting the boundaries asked of me by that act of ostracism and exclusion in October 2018. Nothing you've done since then or can do as Delta Rae or as a member of the band or promoting the band will exist to me without righting that past wrong done in the name of the band on the official band account and by someone in the band resetting the boundaries to something fair and truly inclusive. What I have observed since October 2018 means I do not expect this to happen,  however if it did it would cause the paradigm shift to start some form of healing. And nothing else will EVER achieve that. But without evidence of the proper actions happening to fix this, on my side  I will just be erasing anything related to Delta Rae from my world and clicking through or scrolling past anything related to a band that chooses to be represented by the injustice of ostracism as a response to honesty.

I am no longer allowing this to occupy any space in my head or my heart. I am going to just accept the reality of it.  Anything after October 27, 2018 related to Delta Rae will quite simply not exist to me at all - not in a positive way,  not in a negative way,  it simply does not exist at all.

By the actions done in the name of the band and by the ongoing choices of the band's members not to confront or deal with those actions.  It is on them to repair this bridge that Britt (and Jessie) burned in October 2018, otherwise the band Delta Rae simply does not exist to me after October 27, 2018 - same as their instagram account doesn't exist to me even if I try to follow it from tags in Eric's pictures on his personal account.

If you catch me behaving in any other way,  call me out on it. 

Heading to bed now.  Was gonna write about Socks in the Frying Pan and how sweet Fiachra is now he and I just decided we're family and to skip over small talk awkward and just treat each other like we've always known each other.  But I'm too tired.  And seeing them again on Sunday.  And then a LOT of Dave and the other lads of We Banjo 3 all next week!!  Actually,  I have 19 concerts in 30 days - and then like 5 days break before more concerts,  lol.  But this week,  the guys have 2 days off Mon & Tues then like 6 nights of concerts in a row (and I'll be at all of them, then seeing them again in St.  Louis the weekend of the 21st pr something like that.)