I haven't posted here since the world started to fall apart. Sorry. I haven't felt the desire honestly....

It's not my first lifetime living through a plague, and overall humanity is handling it better than the past even if they're all panicking like they've never done this before.  Well alright, MOST of the souls currently incarnating have NOT lived through plague pandemics before -- and even those who have hardly remember their past selves (unless they're Native American -- I did what i did there and I stand by it) so I can't blame them for acting like they've never lived through a plague before. Because most of them never have. It's like blaming a kid for burning themselves the first time you tell them "This is hot and if you touch it it's going to hurt worse than anything you've ever experienced before and leave blisters full of liquid until it heals" and they think "uhhhh, that's too ridiculous to possibly ever happen" so they go ahead and touch it anyway even after all your warnings and all you can do is hold your head in sympathy for the unnecessary pain and suffering it's made then do your best to heal it up as soon as the crisis of the burning is past..... It's like that, but for making all the wrong choices and spreading the infection despite the best advice of everyone who knows a damn thing about it warns you. Yeah. It be exactly like that. EXACTLY like that! I really really wish people would listen when warned by people who know what they're talking about..... Seriously, all the suffering we could be saved.... But then, I suppose some things can only be learned by the pain that comes of disbelieving the warnings and doing it anyway and suffering whatever the consequences of that choice cost you.....) Anyway. More on how I'm handling the current state of the world later.

First, the personal plot I know you're dying inside to hear updates on:
1) I still have not listened to The Light. I have it, I own it, it's on my laptop and my desktop at work, the physical disc is with all my other CDs. But I have not listened to it.
2) Since unfollowing every account of every band member that I had followed (unless I missed Ian if I follow him... but he never posts anything anywhere, so I'd never know anyway) and the band account on twitter and setting the fb page of the band not to notify me or show up top of feed any longer, I have seen nothing from any of them. (I'm also 1,114 emails behind catching up on my inbox -- so no idea if they've sent any emails, if they did I've not even seen them.) So I have no idea what they are doing to occupy themselves in quarantine or anything they've posted or done to keep themselves busy right now. It's a void to me. I've also been pretty MIA on social media (other than posting beautiful/wonderful/adorable things that exist despite everything) for reasons I'll splain below in another part returning to the world so I've not seen anything from any friend bands/artists of theirs that I discovered and love because of Delta Rae. They're simply a void that doesn't exist in my ife, as if something cut them out removed those patches til I can heal up to deal with them.
3) I took down and put in a poster tube the 3 signed posters of theirs that have been on my wall for YEARS (After It All, Winter Acoustic tour with Penny & Sparrow, and New Moon Rising tour) rolled them up and put other bands' posters in the frames so that the empty spaces wouldn't remind me of what I put into a closet for storage. I also took my two copper mule mugs with their logo off the breakfast bar and put them away where I can't see them. I didn't want the visual reminders to bring back the demons of these months since Oct 28, 2018. Cutting cords meant all reminders. Til I can face it without the hurting and betrayal and disappointment coloring everything.

I feel lighter and freer since refusing to see anything related to the band or anyone supporting what happened. I am better for removing what Britt's defensive choices that she couldn't do wrong, her refusal to own up to her fuckups, and Eric's choices not to be brave enough to do the right thing but instead to aid and abet her system of ostracism had poisoned and turned toxic. I feel joy of cutting out the necrotic tissue before it goes completely septic kills the entire body -- whatever toxic bits needed to be cut off and cauterized completely to stop the infection and poison of Britt's behavior/choices. Which is what I did. I didn't (and couldn't) clean out the poisons it has put into Eric, I just had to cut him out and leave since he wouldn't cleanse himself or do what he had to in order to purge the poisons she created and introduced into all relations between me and the band or anyone representing it using the official band Instagram account.  If I could have saved him, I would have. But I cannot save him from himself and his choices.... (That reminds me of a lyrics from a song a bff of mine wrote for me 13 years ago when I was processing some things that happened when a male musician friend of mine sold out to an A&R rep with  shoddy ethics and a lot of empty promises and then moved to Nashville bought a house there. yes JP really did that.... History repeats itself.... Anyway, the song Sarebear wrote me is a song called Sirius & Orion. I own one of the handful of recordings of it and I have the lyrics written out. A lot of the lyrics are weirdly reminiscent of another take on Eric's song No One Will Miss Me When I'm Gone that I heard in live form a while back..... But a stoic version with the message "I had to cut myself adrift and go even though I didn't know where I was going or if I'd survive on my boat alone, because you were beyond any hope of me saving you."  Anyway, the lyric I was thinking of is in the end of the chorus how lesser men will try to use you to get what they want and destroy you for their own ends and the closing lyric of the bridge is, 'I could have saved you from them. I cannot save you from yourself.")

Anyway. I made my ethical line clear. I explained my reasons for why the past choices/actions and the continued gaslighting rather than confronting it and fixing it crossed the ethical lines. I gave opportunities to fix it. And I gave my "this is the end of the grace period" past which the consequences of your choices shall fall upon you with no mercy if you have done nothing to fix the wrongs you created.  You can expect nothing else from a Libra sun with a Capricorn moon. And if Britt knew even 1% of the astrology and mysticism that she CLAIMS she knows, she'd know that when a Libra sun with Capricorn moon digs in their heels on a matter of justice and ethical lines, you will NEVER outstubborn them or get them to change their minds say you didn't do wrong or wink at the wrong you have done -- all you can do is own up to your fuckup, try to make it right, and trust in the innate sense of fairness and justice to mitigate what befalls you once you admit you fucked up and start to try to atone and make it right. There IS no other course with a Libra sun Capricorn moon if you transgress lines of justice and integrity and ethics. And a Libra sun with Capricorn moon will cut off their very limbs if that is what they must do to stand on the side of justice and ethics. Trust me, she knew that and she advised you otherwise because her ego wouldn't let her admit the wrongs she did and needed you to try to help her justify it. But she knew right from the start that she knew she was dealing with a Libra sun Capricorn moon what she was up against the moment this became a red line of justice, integrity, and ethics in question.  And she knew what her advice would lead you to and everything you would lose. And she advised it anyway because all she cares about is trying to save her own ego and not admit she could ever have done wrong. She advised it KNOWING the place of hurt and depression and despair and clinging to any shred of desperation mislabeled hope it would take you to. She knew and she chose her own ego and pride and refusal to admit she had done wrong instead of caring about your suffering and pain she was going to cause you.

And that is the unadorned truth of her actions and choices. No matter how she tries to disguise it and rationalize it, she knew she was dealing with a Libra sun Capricorn moon and she knew what a red line invoking justice, integrity and ethics means with a Libra sun Capricorn moon. And she decided on this course to try to pretend she never fucked up KNOWING in full knowledge what it would mean going up against that admamantine immovable wall meant.  Look it up for yourself. Look into the astrology of what a Libra sun Capricorn moon MEANS on these particular issues. And then tell me how she could ever have known that's what she was dealing with if she had even a BASIC knowledge of astrology/mysticism and not known the inexorable conclusion this confrontation she created and refused to make right would lead to for you.

I feel free and light and healing and full of buoyant hope for the future since calling "last chance to fix what her choices poisoned" and then lopping off the toxic necrotic tissues that refused to be healed.

So that's where I'm at on that personal plot..... And as for Dave... he continues to be doing everything right and if anything he is more certain and determined about what he wants for himself and who he wants to be and why than I've ever seen him. Unless he makes choices that get him covid-19 death, he'll come out the other side chomping at the bit for the next time he can see me and FINALLY put into action what he's wanted from the very first day he saw me at Milwaukee Irishfest at their show back in 2012.  But that's about him and his choices and me being able/willing to give him a real chance now without being always pulled by someone else and hurting him as a result. Now, after what Britt did and Eric's choices to back her up on it instead of doing what was right, that is no longer a concern. Right now, the strongest ties of love and romantic lifelong interest in me are to Dave -- Eric burnt up every last one of his bridges and connection to me by going live on the band account with fans blocked for having been honest about the country music path AND refusing to make it right or even acknowledge the hard truth he was being told about actions of injustice that people he loves did in the past and are still trying to cover up and deny today.  Eric burnt all his own bridges. Nobody could have lost me being in the rest of his life this life EXCEPT himself and his choices. And he did that.

I'm not saying this to crush him or out her behavior patterns. for me, it's a simple statement of fact about a situation I accepted many months ago and taught myself to force me to let him go no matter how he suffered for that if he refused to do what needed to be done BY THEM in order for there to be healing. I still have emotional scarring in me to heal -- but the ability for either of them to hurt me is something they no longer have as a consequence of the choices they made DESPITE being warned and given many chances to choose differently.  I can only be hurt by people who I love and trust. At this point, I do not love, trust, or even respect Brittany based on her choices and behaviors since Oct 28, 2018. And while a part of me still loves Eric and always will no matter what he does, I do not trust him any longer and that means I must cut him off from being able to hurt me. And I can never let him back in to trust him til he has taught me I can have faith in him not to intentionally and knowingly hurt me..... And I don't have that. It will take time and intention from him and a clear purpose and determination to work on it. And, honestly, it will probably take lifetimes from him at the rate he's putting effort into it til I'm even ready to think about trusting him not to intentionally hurt me if someone convinces him it's alright because they say it is.... This isn't a "let me remind you about the things in me that you love and appeal to you and it will fix things" type of fuckup. This is you have spent 7 months teaching me that I can't trust you not to knowingly and repeatedly act in ways to intentionally hurt me and that means I can't let you in to touch my emotions because you'll only just hurt me if I do. And that is not an easy thing to fix once you break it..... It just isn't. I'm sorry if he hurts because I dislike the suffering of any part of the Creation -- but I cannot let it touch me any deeper or more personally than that if I cannot trust him not to intentionally hurt me. It's that simple now. I cannot let me care more than I'd care for a stranger or some unknown piece of creation suffering. To do anything else is to allow me to hold my wrist steady and hold a knife against it with someone else's hand pushing down and me offering no resistance to whenever they decide to cut me deep. It's  a suicidal complicity in emotional cutting that I will not allow myself to be a part of any longer. And that means acknowledging a part of me will always love and WANT to trust him but my experience of his actions and choices have taught me that I cannot trust him not to intentionally hurt me. the only person I can trust to keep him from hurting me is for me to leave and not let him reach me. And that's what Britt's actions and choices and Eric's actions and choices have taught me about Eric. That I can have no faith or trust in him, no matter how much I WANT to believe in him and trust him.

That is what Britt's fuckup in 2018 and her manipulation to try to cover up her mistake has made of this situation..

~*~*~*~*~

As for the current state of the world.... I'm taking it mostly calmly. I've lived through plagues and pandemics before and I've never been afraid to die or to suffer in any of my lives -- I've been through far worse in my past lives after all. But I've not seen my own death in this unless I let me get too skinny before it - so I've spent the last year fighting to fatten me up.

There is one thing that's hard though......

One of my gifts is to see the light of life that shines in people. And. that includes seeing when it's flickering or dying down to be snuffed out.... Flickering means it's imperilled and the life MAY end on current trajectory but actions can be done to keep it from going out if you intervene. Dying down to an ember then snuffed out means the processes are set in motion that nothing in this world can alter that will inevitably lead to death. Typically I see it in older people. Or suicidal will flicker til they reach their inner decision point and set in motion the steps to kill themselves.  And it's HARD. Whether it's a flickering or a dying down to snuff out.... It's HARD to see it. It's ALWAYS hard to see it.....

But right now.... I see the flickering of fates depending on IF they make the choices that will get them infected in those who are at risk but may not know it. I see the flickering in those who already have it and MAY survive if they get proper treatment at the crucial juncture.  I see the dying down in those who have it and it will kill and no modern medicine can save them.... I see it and I see it and I see it.... i see it in living people I encounter at the grocery store or out taking my dog for a walk. i see it in newscasters. I see it on fucking livestreams and social media video posts....I see it in video clips from celebrities, politicians,  and musicians. I see all of it..... Everywhere. In everyone whose life force is flickering or smoldering down to die.....

And, the dying part, that brings sorrow but every life must end in death. Same as every death rest must end in a new life. (Until you're done playing with incarnations and the lessons to be learned by incarnating.) it's not seeing the dying flickers and smoldering til gone that hurts right now. What hurts is the suffering. This particular death is EXCRUCIATING. You spend weeks trying not to drown in your own lungs on air -- and if you're sedated and intubated that causes such intense physical/subconscious emotional trauma... (Look into the ptsd of those whose lives have been saved by intubation. Warning: It ain't for the faint of heart.) And to die in that sort of terror and pain..... It's  a long lingering horror I'd not wish upon anyone. Ever. Not even those who have done me or humanity the most grievous wrongs..... There is a reason that doctors/nurses who know what it does are committing suicide when they find out they have it so they won't have to suffer or inflict that suffering on anyone else they might infect with it..... because they know how horrible this death is....

It's not just KNOWING they'll die (or may die) and how soon it's coming. Everything dies.  It's knowing the extreme suffering that will precede the death.... that's what kills me inside. It breaks my heart to see people right now. it breaks my heart to see that flickering or smoldering and to KNOW I cannot stop their suffering.... I can't put them out of their misery the way a warrior gives a swift clean painless mercy death to a disembowelled friend or the way we euthanize a beloved pet whose diagnosis is an existence of suffering til they pass away naturally and we'd rather let them go than watch them suffer.... Warriors give mercy to those they love and animal lovers give pity deaths rather than watch a living creature suffer.... I can see the flickering and the smoldering dimming and I know the suffering bad death of it and I can't give mercy to save them from the suffering. That's what hurts. What I'd give to a rabbit that got hit by a careless driver to ease its passing, I cannot give to a complex thinking human who knows its own suffering and is locked within it.....

It is a torture to me to have to be around most people or go grocery shopping or watch live videos or insta videos or even the news right now because I can't help but see the flickering and dimmings.....   I have been self-isolating and quarantining since Mar 13 (when last i saw We Banjo 3 in person, up in Green Bay) and drowning my facebook with beautiful joy giving shards of light and goodness that EXIST in this world so I can drown out all the flickering and dimming and suffering that is to come that I see around me...... And I'd have gone into this weird isolation the MOMENT I got back from Seattle on March 3 except I care too much about those boys and I had to read their soul light fatelines for myself, at every opportunity, in person and reassure myself they haven't changed.  The ONLY live videos and insta stories I'm really watching are the ones that the guys are doing (and Dave has a set schedule across the week for them -- Mando Mondays with Martin, Tuesdave coffee chats, W'Enda'sday, Throwback Thursday, Fiddle Friday with Fergal, and Saturday fb livestream dance party of full concerts of theirs from the past. And then lots of random lives and taking opportunities to post show videos or random performances seeded on the internet to uplift and bring joy and his inner hope/light he holds right now to those he can best reach that way.

And it's so reassuring for me...It's the compulsive need to check to see if those you love are alright because if they're not going to be, you need to steel your heart for the loss and the hurt before it arrives or else the sorrow will drown you.... Seeing them reassures me I needn't harden me to the idea of losing them yet -- and if I saw the flickering or dimming, I'd have as much warning as possible for me to handle my hurt in the time before it hits. As any precog does. I always handle my pain out of sync with events unfolding -- I hurt from the moment choices make the hurt inevitable if a given path isn't altered.... I mourn and grieve from the moment there is no way to save myself from the loss -- not from the moment the actual loss occurs... I grieve and hurt and get angry and suffer out of sync with the current moment of time. All precogs do.....

But, it does reassure me to have checkins on them so often. because right now, with how in flux EVERYONE'S fate lines are across the world and how in flux the WORLD/SOCIETAL fatelines are, everything is so muddied that i can't get a clear read on ANYONE, even those I have strong empath bonds to, unless they're within 50 miles of me with an empath bond to me OR I see them in person/in video form to get a visual read of their inner light.... Even my OWN fate lines are hard to navigate. I have to make choices for my timing to go on walks or go to the grocery store based on how it fluxes my fate lines or those of loved ones AND what I read in the soul light of other people I encounter while out......

And then on top of that, the NOISE of all the fear and anxiety during the daytime is DEAFENING and trying to block it out is exhausting...... I'm MOSTLY sleeping during the day (when everyone's emotions are such a cacophony of negativity) with music that soothes my heart playing and then being active and awake when all that noise of so many people feeling so much negativity so intensely is gone into exhaustion... I flip it sometimes, to come into work during the day (our family business is essential -- but my job can be done at any time I choose,  including with nobody here but me and my dog) when I can feel my parents and Sarah's anxiety about me mounting so high that seeing me is the only thing will reassure it and stop that noise. Or when I can HEAR how upset wound up people I know and am friends with are getting and I know that my light and humor or happy joyous posts on fb are all that will throw someone a needed lifeline so I wake up because I need to find some more or reach out specifically....

but right now, my gifts (espec to see the brightness of a soul light or if it's flickering or dimming) makes keeping myself safe easier, seeing people is the last thing I desire -- but the gifts drain and hurt me more than they help....... If I could, the best thing for me would be to go to a self-sufficient cabin with all my books and music and my fur babies and enough food and far enough away from EVERYONE'S noise. for me to fully rest without the suffering of strangers eating at my heart and my soul so constantly.

It's why in plague centuries, witches and those with gifts turn hermit. All the suffering of everyone around them hurts them deep into their core and they must escape the noise since they cannot mercy kill to end the suffering..... I know because I've done it...when the volume of the suffering crescendos even louder than this (and it WILL crescendo before it decrescendos....) it will feel like madness the weight of so much suffering....  That said, at least this plague, society is smart enough to recognize that viruses respect no gods and so with gatherings of 10+ prohibited in most places, church services are forbidden - instead of mandatory church attendance to pray the plague away and anyone who skips out on the cantagion fest gets burned as a witch for trying not to die of the plague.... so, I mean, at least we're spared being forced to regular attendance of that sanctimonious bathing in holier than thou saved by the grace of Christ fear-driven hysteria and plague spreading stew....

But anyway. Right now, I am quiet and isolating myself away even on social media other than watching the live content of Dave trying to gift back love and light to help hold up others with what is holding him up now and me gifting to my facebook friends the things I discover that bring me joy in the beauty that EXISTS. It's the only way I can minimize the weight on me of all the suffering that is and all the suffering that WILL be and all the suffering that may yet come to pass without proper medical resources.

As for Eric and the other members of Delta Rae, I cannot tell you if their inner soul life force lights are flickering or dimming -- and I can do nothing to help guide the flickering back to full strength for them. If I saw a current picture or video of them (or of Leo or anyone they care about) I would know instantly. But I have not seen any such videos or pictures since they decided to go live on Instagram on 3/20 after my arbitrary "I will hold off any permanent reaction or consequences until after The Light is released" rule with myself was passed. And, honestly, even if chance dropped an image or video of any of them for me to see, even if I saw a flickering or dimming, I'd not talk about it here. It's something that if I talk about at all,  I only talk about with the one who may die if things don't change or WILL die no matter what is done. The secrets of deaths are not for me to spread like gossip. They're sacred and private and only entrusted to those who can do something about them and can be trusted to use it to help not harm.   It's why it's a gift is acquired across many many lives and passing many tests of your integrity and strength to bear pain and other gifts before you have this one.... But, you're not a true lightworker until you have the gift to see the soul light, see the soul flickering that could be saved yet, and see the soul dimming that will be extinguished from within that body and move on no matter what you or anyone else does.... It's a heavy gift -- but one all true light workers who can do the deep magics of the old souls on the ancient path have learned.

And times like this, it's a terribly terribly heavy gift to carry.....