O I know I talked a big game that if Eric didn't fix what he broke then in November I'd be able to look him square in the eye during If I Loved You - but that was hurt and disappointment and sorrow speaking.  Not truth.  Truth is I still love him,  more than I've ever loved anyone.  Truth is that he deeply hurt me and disappointed me.  Truth is that I don't trust him not to intentionally hurt me.  Truth is that ever aince HIS decision for HIM to go live on the band's insta at the end of August, I don't believe he gives a damn about me or cares about me in the least, let alone him having anything remotely approaching love toward me....

But that doesn't change my love for him.  And it doesn't make me want him any less.  And it doesn't assuage the ache in me of his absence.  And it doesn't make me forget all of the dreams and precogs with him,  the ones I've been having all my life since before I could talk.
It just means he hurt me deeply, he disappointed me by his lack of moral principles, he shattered any faith I had that the love and desire is mutual,  and he has taught me to expect hurt from him....

But I still feel the absence of him like someone came along lopped off my right arm at the shoulder told me to go on with my life as if nothing was wrong....

And right now,  I have an absolutely terrible weather migraine started just outside Mauston on the drive back from Minneapolis - the kind that can set me to dry heaving from the pain just trying to sit up.... I don't know how I finished that drive in this state without smearing us all over the highway,  thankfully there is like no traffic at 4am on a Sat/Sun. It's a bad migraine.... So I don't have it in me to stiff upper lip stoic through it and fake that the hollownesa isn't consuming everything behind the surface.

I hurt.  I hurt terribly.  And nothing but waiting it out will improve the migraine.  And since I can't have Eric himself to curl into until the pain is done,  more than anything else I want to snuggle into his songs,  because music is the only thing helps me through the bad migraines.  (motion and light sensitive,  but never sound sensitive - so music helps pull me through when all that exists is the pain from the migraine....) More than anything else right now,  I want to listen to Badlands and Morning Comes and Enjoy My Song and so many others I've heard from him, some I don't even have.  It's all I want....to be able to listen to his voice and his songs and find comfort and love and the promise that beyond this pain there is light again.  That's what I want.....  Yet I know that if I put it on,  it wouldn't give me comfort right now,  just the heartache over the hurt he intentionally caused me and my current belief he doesn't care at all about that or about anything to do with me....

I can't find any comfort in his songs to help me through my current pain because he's not a source of comfort to me with the way things are....  The only thing I want,  and I can't have it even if I were to play the damn songs....

*sigh*

I'm going to open the window to the rain and put on George Winston's album Autumn. That's always soothing.  And piano music I've adored since I was a child (and I know he has too, so the weakest part of my subconscious can lie to me behind my closed eyes pretend it could be Eric playing George Winston's songs) is the best comfort I can find to help get me through this pain of this bad migraine. It's not what I WANT to curl up into,  but it's best I got and I do love George Winston's music.  Always have.  It'll bring me more joy and comfort until the migraine pain passes than anything else would right now.

But honest, my birthday is on Weds and if you could give me one birthday wish,  it would be to find a way to restore my faith in his love and the future I never used to doubt til he started dating the Scorpion chick and I realized that I might not be what he wanted,  that maybe he hadn't been seeking for me the way I've spent all my life waiting looking for him....  That's all I want for my birthday,  to know he never meant to hurt me and that the love and desire is mutual and that the future and happiness he'd choose requires having me right there in the center of his life. Don't think it's in the cards,  and after this migraine passes, I'll face that truth clear eyed accepting what is....  But stoic loyalty to truth won't stop the wanting.....  No amount of making me come to terms accepting the reality of his actions/choices will stop my wanting.... It'll just help get me through the wanting of what I can't have...

Still.  That's what I want.  I don't expect to get anything of the sort,  but it's still all I want.... And I hurt too much to pretend anything else..  

I'm gonna go curl up in the fetal position and listen to George Winston while I endure until this migraine passes....  Hopefully I can still make symphony at 2pm.... Mais on verra..... For now curling up and holding as still as possible forcing myself to relax think about nothing and listening to George Winston music and the rain.