I do not mean to hurt Eric, like I said right now I can't feel anything at all toward him or anyone in the band -- it's all still numbed in hollow indifference. But I don't like when people hurt, and I'd not wish hurt on anyone. Not even people I actively disliked.... And I don't dislike any of them -- I won't lie to myself about them, about the good or the bad in their natures. I don't for anyone. My affection and love is earned by honesty, never by the flattering lies..... not for anyone. Ever.

I don't wish him to be hurt. Unfortunately it's a byproduct of his choices that compounded the damage and harm that the girls did and never did anything to repair. What they did wasn't his fault. And honestly, what he did would have in no way been in the wrong or caused me hurt IF either the girls hadn't done what they did or if someone in the band had dealt with cleaning up the mess and doing right what Britt broke. The only reason it was a source of hurt and did wrong and broke things between him and me is because of his sister's actions and the refusal of ANYONE in the band to acknowledge what she had done or do anything to make right what she did wrong. Her pride and the others following her lead is what poisoned everything and is the sole and only source of everything that he currently suffers and will suffer as a result.

I'll never lie about that. Not to me, not to anyone else. I will forever be the child calling out that the emperor wears no clothing. That is a part of my nature -- to see things clearly at their truth not the mask you want people to believe. It's who I am. Who I've always been.

Yes, I am too honest and too blunt in my honesty. I know I am. But if asked, I'm more than willing to keep my honesty to private conversations not public unless there's an ethics issue that needs to be called out and righted. All you have to do is ask or tell me, "Calling out this truth for what it is will shame me in front of people" and then I will tell you straight out, "The action itself should make you ashamed if people knowing you did it would shame you.  But as long as you'll listen, I'll tell you in private."

But I will never lie for you, to you, or to myself. A lie is an act of extreme cruelty as well as a negation of the Creation itself and no trust between anyone can ever be built if there are lies between you. And without trust, anything you try to build between you is superficial and meaningless...... And what the fuck use do I have for the superficial meaningless fake?!

I do not wish Eric ill and I do not wish him to be hurting. The fact he is does bother me. But it's nothing I can fix, nothing I can change.

I do not believe he cares, whatsoever, about me or about my hurt. He proved that in his choices and actions -- by intentionally and deliberately doing something he KNEW to be hurtful and bullying via ostracism WHILE I was warning him reminding him that to do so would be to act in deliberate bullying cruelty due to the situation his sister had created in the official name of the band. Those are the simple facts of what he did, what he chose.  It doesn't MATTER if his intentions were to celebrate and share joy -- the MOMENT that ANYONE chose to ostracize ANYONE from joining the band's official account, a situation of exclusion was created.   Eric didn't CREATE the system of exclusion -- but he took part in perpetuating it (he STILL takes part in perpetuating it) and enforcing it. he is no different than any person who says "this is just how it is" about Apartheid or "you can't sit with us" middle school harassment of the awkward or any form of "separate but equal" system mankind has ever created. He didn't create it, but he supported and perpetuated the exclusionary behaviors. it's the most southern he's ever been -- I'm sure his southern ancestors would be proud of him and his sister for keeping the tradition of "you're not allowed to join us" othering of forced exclusion.

Wrong is wrong is wrong is wrong.

Just because the act of creating the system was MORE evil (and that is on whoever decided it was a good idea to block fans for their honesty) doesn't mean that those who are PERPETUATING and actively promoting/taking part in the system of exclusion aren't evil.  Evil is evil, wrong is wrong. And the philosophy behind what the band is now guilty of because of what Brittany did and nobody sought to make right is the IDENTICAL rationalizing and philosophy behind every system of exclusion mankind ever created.  Eric following her lead and not speaking out or trying to end the evil, his complicity in it, makes him guilty of it same as anyone bullying because the lead mean girl said "that's the one to pick on" is guilty of evil. It doesn't have to be your idea or your creation for you to do evil in perpetuating. Yes Britt is more guilty for having created the system of exclusion (as is anyone who blocks another for honesty to shut them up or to exclude them because they don't want people to hear what they have to say) BUT Eric and EVERY member of the band is guilty of FOLLOWING her system of exclusion and perpetuating it EVERY time they post ANYTHING under the name of an official account that includes ostracism in its design. Those who have done so without knowing of the problem are guilty but ignorant. Those who KNOW about it and CHOOSE not to right it or fight it and make things fair and inclusive are guilt of KNOWINGLY doing wrong. And any wrong KNOWINGLY done is a greater sin, a greater bad act, than those done in ignorance of the harm you are doing.

The greatest evils in this world come from people who follow. The true horror of the great inequities of mankind is in the banality of evil, the everyday unexamined acts of wrong that you come to normalize and rationalize and accept without ever examining if it is right or if it is wrong. If you haven't read it, read Hannah Arendt's Eichmann in Jerusalem. In fact, you should read as much Arendt as you can find -- she was a brilliant thinker and philosopher and political analyst. I'm due for a re-read of Eichmann in Jerusalem, tbh.

Here's part of what Arendt has to say on the subject, in a letter to a friend of hers, "I changed my mind and do no longer speak of “radical evil.” … It is indeed my opinion now that evil is never “radical,” that it is only extreme, and that it possesses neither depth nor any demonic dimension. It can overgrow and lay waste the whole world precisely because it spreads like a fungus on the surface. It is “thought-defying,” as I said, because thought tries to reach some depth, to go to the roots, and the moment it concerns itself with evil, it is frustrated because there is nothing. That is its “banality.” Only the good has depth that can be radical."

As I said, for me Eric's actions, no matter his excuses rationalizing the wrong he did by his excitement and intention of acting in gratitude and desire to share joy, of partaking in a system of exclusion of ostracism that he KNEW existed and was unfair and wrong and still chose to promote the system of excluding people based on the bullying ostracism that had been created. There were plenty of other ways and places he could have chosen to go live -- he CHOSE to do it live on instagram KNOWING there were issues of fans who were also kickstarter backers having been blocked (and still blocked) on the band's official instagram account AND having the reminder of it being an issue publicly and privately told to him and everyone in the band on their public accounts on other social media accounts.  That makes him guilty of WILLFULLY and KNOWINGLY being an instrument of bullying, exclusion, and ostracism and CHOOSING to perpetuate the system of relational bullying. It's no different than bringing treats for everyone in the classroom except whoever his sister told him not to because "I don't like that person."  It's as wrong to do as an adult as it is when you're a child -- because the ethical principles, the issues of right and wrong are the same.

I'm a firm believer in the importance of learning from mistakes -- so I'll not say it's beyond fixing. But first you have to face the hard truths and learn your lessons and where you fucked up and figure out how to be better.... You can choose to try to make right the wrongs you have done in bullying someone or taking part in the system of bullying. It starts by acknowledging the truth of what happened and the hurt it caused -- and then trying to make things right from a place of openness and truth rather than hiding and lies/rationalizations.  Or you cannot try to make it better. But it's never for the victim of bullying to apologize or to seek to make right -- it's for those who are guilty of having taken part in the bullying to  acknowledge, apologize, and make right.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone fucks up -- sometimes terribly even though they had no idea the consequences at the time. Everyone makes mistakes, and almost anything can be fixed. But it starts with a true DESIRE to fix it. And that can only happen by holding space and acknowledging the damage done, how/why it happened, AND taking responsibility in your part(s) in creating the toxic hurtful situation. Everyone makes mistakes, but the measure of a soul's character is their ability to acknowledge it, attempt to make amends for it, and what they learn from it for moving forward. It's not the mistake that bothers me so, grievous as it is, it's the lack of personal growth and accountability since the fuck ups occurred. And it's the lack of transparency, the desire to HIDE the bad deeds because you're ashamed of them rather than fess up to them so you can heal them, and making right the wrong which has caused this to escalate and snowball into what it is now.

There is nothing he can do to reach me or break through this state of indifference toward him and the band without him setting right the ethics issue at the root of this. The ethics issue he is guilty of taking part in.

If that doesn't matter to him, then that is what it is. And I'm telling you straight out that ANY continuing to ignore this or pretend it's not an issue or refusal to acknowledge the acts of intentional cruelty this situation created IS a statement of not caring about 1) having done wrong 2) having caused hurt or been a bully to another. That is the ONLY reading of ANYONE continuing to do nothing about it. "Silence is complicity." At this point, everyone in the band, in whose name the exclusion and ostracism is committed with EVERY post on instagram, is at fault of those 2 things.

*shrugs* That's just simple common decency and maturity of ethics. Of right and wrong. I cannot view any of them who perpetuate the system of exclusion that the girls created or are guilty of promoting it by telling people they'll be doing exclusive content on that official band account as anything but bullies who are okay with being part of a system of exclusion and ostracism and intentional relational bullying. And there is nothing you can create as an artist (or collective of artists) that can move me or be admired by me if you show yourself to be a trash human who treats others with cruelty instead of compassion.

I genuinely must conclude from his choices and his actions (and inactions) that Eric does not love me and does not care about me.  If you don't CARE about doing an action that hurts another, than you don't care about that person. Period. Whatever he feels about not being able to reach me on the bond and my refusal to have any reaction beyond indifference to anything he or the band does as a result of this, the truth is that those feelings are NOT love. They may be need, they may be loss, they may be HIS suffering over my absence --  but they sure as Hell aren't love. Love is a state of wanting good for another soul, to watch them thrive, to give them your own love and good and feel their love in return -- it is a desire to protect them and to feel like absolute shit when you've hurt than -- that nothing will fix until you've made good for the hurt you did. He may miss the warmth of my love flowing into him -- but he doesn't CARE about causing me hurt and that means that towards me he doesn't possess love for ME, only his own self-love upset over what he has lost. And those aren't the same thing.... And I refuse to pour my love into someone who doesn't even love me enough to care whether or not they cause me hurt and who will do NOTHING to try to make it right when they have. That's not love, that's not a give and take, that's not a flow. That's just taking the love of another....

No, Eric's actions and inactions opened my eyes and have forced me to accept, in every cell of my body and every fibre of my soul that he doesn't love ME qua me, he simply misses my love when it's absent from him. He doesn't love me, he loves being loved.

If he can learn and grow and SHOW ME that he cares about being a source of joy not hurt and cares about what I'm going through then I may someday learn to believe that he could love me. But it would take work, and genuine desire in him -- and until continued proof of his love of me qua me outweighed how much he loved being loved, I will continue to assume in my subconscious that he simply doesn't care about me or what upsets me.

So I don't wish him to hurt, and I hope the hurting passes for him soon if he's not going to do any of the things he'd need to do to make it better..... But as someone who will give til I'm empty, I'm standing by these boundaries that there's a grievous ethical wrong at play in anything done in the name of the band's official instagram account AND that I simply do not believe that there's any love in Eric for ME qua me -- he only loves feeling the presence of my love given to him. And I have no intention of reawakening that bond between us so long as he only desires to take love but never to give it. And the only way to give love is to care about the other person and what they're going through.... and his choices and actions and inactions of late tell me he doesn't care about me or what I go through or any hurts done to me or anything he does that knowingly will cause me harm.

I didn't ask for the bond to sleep again as punishment for him.  I did it to protect myself.  To protect me from the bond of a one-sided love where he expected to always receive my love but never to even care whether I was hurting....  It wasn't done to hurt him,  it was done to protect me from any further hurt from him and his indifference and acts of intentional cruelty.....  It was cause and effect.  And an act of self protection.....

And it doesn't matter what he or the band does to try to appeal to me. There is no healing or making it right by trying to ignore the ethical issues at play. I don't bend on ethical issues. Ever. Chaotic good Libra and a Gryffindor. I don't back down over issues of bullying, exclusion/ostracism, and ethics of right versus wrong.

P.S. Hit publish on this, then saw a lightning bolt hit a tree across the street, the whole tree illuminated. Then sudden downpour and pounding rain started.... But ended after just a few minutes as suddenly as it started.