May/June/July Book List

I didn't have this updated by the end of June due to my sister's family being in town so I figured I would just add July to it since August is generally pretty sparse for me reading due to so many weekends and so much time claimed by Irish fests and all my Celtic music friends being around. (And this year, The Coronas will be in the midpart of the states right between Iowa and the La Corss/MN irishfests, so I'll be in Chi that Weds to see them and up in Minne on Thurs for them right before La Crosse and MN weekend so not entirely certain how I will get all my hours in and my plants watered..... That's an August problem though. So I'll lump Aug in with Sept/Oct and then we will be good.  

Mostly in May and June and the first half of July, I read/re-read a lot of Cassandra Clare whenever I was reading at home and didn't really finish up purse books at home, just worked on them when not at home. Because I was deep binge reading Cassandra Clare Shadowhunters novels that I started in on reading/re-reading back in April. A LOT of Cassandra Clare.... All of it except for the Golden Hours trilogy were re-read, those were the ones I hadn't yet read was waiting for them all to come out in paperback and then time to commit to the massive reread that they are because I like immersing myself into worlds and when I'm reading series I always need to reread the others before reading the newest to make sure I haven't forgotten important details/layers which can often be a MASSIVE page/time commitment if I'm doing rereads with every new book as it's released. So I had decided to wait til I had all three of the followup historical trilogy (in paperback to match the others on the shelves) before reading any of them and then I waited some more til I had enough unclaimed time to be able to devour binge read through them all and was in a head/heart space to want a comfort reread with stoic edged "we do what we must" love stories with fantasy world building magic woven to hold it together. It may seem like a very niche mental/emotional space, but I often reread books/series I have loved especially when I feel like I might lose myself in grieving or in hurt or in precogs of what is coming or all the different ways a person can lose themselves. I have lots of things I reread either for emotional comfort or to help me remember myself, my truest self, and also sometimes the self I have been who I don't want to lose who also held those books and loved them and read the same words in the same pages connect to her across the years. Life is messy, love is messy, the world and the larger human framework of socio-politics is messy, and the larger cycles of soul growth lesson learning is messy -- but the soul song of our truest self across our lifetimes is always a melody we can come back to no matter the messiness in living. We just need to remember how it goes and not lose it. Love that reflects us back to ourselves and literature that reminds us everyone is doing their best in whatever chaotic messiness their life is and the things that tie us to our past and future selves are the things that I find best anchor me back into my own soul song when I might lose the thread if it. And the way I grieve and how deep into the hollows I go over the end of finite embodied mortal love (even though the bond is infinite and souls can interweave across finite stories if and when they choose or must) makes it hard for any other love to reach me while deep in the hollows -- so I know of myself in this life that if I return to books and songs that a past version of me has read/heard and loved, I can use them to help me hold onto my own soul song melody and not lose the thread while I'm in the hollows and in hearing myself I can process my way through the hollows more easily to get back to the place I can feel again the love and loss of finite mortal incarnations. And there are also books that I hang onto own as reminders/warnings but will never reread because I don't like the versions of me they surfaced or who I was when I read them and I wanted to be reminded they are in me but not summon them up because they are not who I currently choose to be unless I had to be them. (What I said several posts ago about water signs was as much a warning about me and my own emotional depths as it was a statement about anyone else -- all water signs feel everything deeply and truly for as long as they feel it but once their feelings shift they will then feel whatever the new emotion is completely and truly. I am a Pisces rising with a Scorpio stellium in my eighth house, as well as a Sagittarius stellium, and so while my chart is surprisingly balanced across the signs and modalities it is ever so slightly tilted toward water due to my rising sign -- my emotions are oceanic in scope and it's easy to drown in them when they get intense, even if I can only communicate them when I can reduce them and freeze them into a word form.) For me, Cassandra Clare's Shadowhunters world is actually a great mirror of my own ethics/values and the version of me that I strive to be and the ideals I hold even when things are messy and nothing seems like it will work out and maybe you do have to sacrifice let go of what you love deepest just to save it so you don't destroy it by trying to hold onto it too tightly.... It is an ideal series, as massive as the page count, for bringing me back to myself when I'm dealing with grief/loss to make sure when I come back from the hollows I am one of my better versions of me not a bitter nihilistic stoic version of me that has to relearn the importance of loving mortal incarnations even knowing the time you have to share will always be finite no matter how long or short it is but that's part of what makes it shine so brightly while you do have it.

If you recall, the last time I reread them all and read Dark Artifices for the first time was when Audrey was dying and right after she died. It's fitting this is what I intuitively turned to started reading the historical ones to read the newest trilogy as Spock's life force weakened and then the modern ones right as he was dying and then following his death. (I was actually in the midst of City of Glass, at a really emotionally hard part where someone dies and everyone grieves it at the time of Spock's passing. As in he died right at the chapter break between when you learn the death is going to happen and when the characters discover it happened.)

This won't be the last time I reread through them all -- still waiting on the last book of the Alec-Magnus side trilogy and she has one last massive trilogy she is writing for the modern portion of it but none of them are out yet but the first should come out in hardcover next Spring. If the world doesn't end, I'll pick them up in paperbacks and hold onto them until the next time it's the comfort series and world I need to turn to again to help me hold onto my own soul song melody and the brightest thread of it.

 There are other series I reread for other versions of me, but the world is a decisive hard edged line in the sands ethics test right now, not in a time I can soften into delighting in the goodness of the world's gifts to a quiet life as I am when I reread L. M. Montgomery or as black and white more child like simplistic a view of good vs evil as Lloyd Alexander or Patricia C. Wrede or Tamora Pierce. I need a warrior version of me to be resurfacing from the hollows that won't step back from a fight and remembers I chose incarnating because "if not me then who?" is hard edged knows the finite nature of mortal things and the messiness of the world and people in it and how sometimes none of our choices are good but we have to pick what's best of the not great options -- but also knows to cherish be grateful for the brightness that flashes through it whether it's passing moments or shared life paths. The Shadowhunters world building helps me hold to that version of me through the time of feeling nothing much at all and everything dry and sere and dead as I'm in the hollows of grief. It's a good choice for past me to have set me back into at this time, even with how MASSIVE the page commitment is with it.

 

Books Read:

~Cassandra Clare, Chain of Gold (582 pgs)

~Cassandra Clare, Chain of Iron (645 pgs)

~Cassandra Clare, Chain of Thorns (768 pgs)

~Melanie Magidow (translator), The Tale of Princess Fatima, Warrior Woman: the Arabic Epic of Dhat Al-Himma (167 pgs) [this was a purse book, chosen because it was a slim and interesting Penguin edition but short section breaks ways to set aside come back to it -- it went to a lot of shows across April and start of May before I finished it. For never having read any of the Golden Hours books, it wove beautifully with meeting Cordelia Carstairs for the first time and her as a heroine protagonist -- and it actually ties into a reference central to that series.]

~Cassandra Clare, City of Bones (485 pgs)

~Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes (453 pgs)

~Cassandra Clare, City of Glass (541 pgs)

~Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels (424 pgs)

~Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls (534 pgs) 

~Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire (725 pgs)

~Cassandra Clare, Lady Midnight (668 pgs)

~Cassandra Clare, Lord of Shadows (699 pgs)

~Cassandra Clare, Queen of Air and Darkness (870 pgs)

~Susan Fletcher & Rebecca Green, A Bear Far From Home (children's book; I don't put in every time I reread from my children's collection, only the first time I read newly acquired to my collection children's books; I had been holding off reading the newly acquired ones while in the midst of long series but I chose to used them as palette cleansers between the longer short stories/novellas in Ghosts of the Shadow Market and then put them away on their shelves.)

~Joy Harbor & Michaela Goade, Remember (children's book)

~Hollie Hughes & Sarah Massini, The Girls and the Mermaid (children's book)

~Rhiannon Goddess & Briana Mukodiri Uchendu, We Could Fly (children's book)

~Meredith Dillman, Inkwork Led By Mothlight (thin art book, so rather like a children's book as far as page counts not meaning much)

~Jon Klassen, The Skull (children's book; though this one is a longer children's book retelling of the folktale at 105 pgs, it's still short sentences and pictures)

~Cassandra Clare with: Sarah Rees Brennan, Maureen Johnson, Kelly Link, & Robin Wasserman, Ghosts of the Shadow Market (607 pgs) [this is one of the short story collections and while I didn't reread all of the short story collections set in the Shadowhunters world, I decided to re-read this one because at the time it was published, I had read neither Dark Artifices nor Lost Hours trilogies as neither had been fully released at that point. Thus when I read it, I didn't know the characters in many of them or understand where in the larger arc the Jem short stories were meant to fit. So figured this was a good capstone at this point to tie things together until my next reread of them all -- which likely will not be until after the as yet unpublished concluding trilogy is fully released in paperback. Which will likely be several years from now -- presuming the politicians in charge making terrible decisions don't destroy the world as we have known it or kill us all before then.]

~Noel Coward, Fallen Angels (67 pgs)

~Diana Wynne Jones, The Merlin Conspiracy (468 pgs)

~James Fenimore Cooper, The Pathfinder (441 pgs) [This book took me FOREVER as a purse book... It picked up pace in the last 100-150 pgs, but it was a slog getting through the first 3/4 of the book! And of the three (of five) I've read in the series, this is by far my LEAST favorite and the worst imho....] 

~Greg Mortenson & David Oliver Relin, Three Cups of Tea (349 pgs) [This was repetitive in parts at the start retelling the same things, but it was actually quite an enjoyable read. Very much a "good hearted people can overcome seemly impossible barriers in the most hostile places if they're just willing to try and not give up" type memori. It was also a quick read once you started it but could easily be set aside for a while between chapters making it a good purse book choice.]

~Sinclair Lewis, It Can't Happen Here (384 pgs) [I picked this up ages ago because it wasn't assigned reading in my future dystopia/fascism assignments in school but I had never read it. Someone mentioned it to me again during the first cheeto regime as being the most American descent pathway and how little things have changed since 1933 (when it was written) other than the names. Reading it now is like a Project 2025 playbook, like somebody read it and said, 'o I could absolutely make that real with Americans as they are." It's very interesting to read a take on it before WWII but after the power takeovers in Germany and Italy. It also has some language (especially racist) that is VERY not acceptable any longer so I definitely understand the decision not to teach it in high school even while reading 1984 and brave New World as assigned books. It was honestly more depressing than the Hannah Arendt chapters so far (I'm doing a re-read of Origins of Totalitarianism but I'm reading it slowly while reading other novels and things) because it so clearly still the way Americans are and their easy succumbing to certain types of demagoguery.  Basic plot: instead of FDR getting a second term, he was primaried out by a demagogue promising everything to everybody and having the church behind him and creating his own armed militia groups loyal to him. It's all a little too close to home right now living in this regime's 'Murika tbh]

 

Books Acquired:

~Leigh Bardugo, The Familiar

~Patrick Barlow, The 39 Steps

~A. S. Byatt, Little Black Book of Stories

~Noel Coward, Fallen Angels

~Nilo Cruz, Anna In the Tropics

~Meredith Dillman, Inkwork Led by Mothlight

~Sarah Beth Durst, The Spellshop

~Andrea Eames, A Harvest of Hearts

~William Faulkner, Light In August

~Rhiannon Giddens, We Could Fly

~Nicola Griffith, Menewood

~Deborah Harkness, The Black Bird Oracle

~Emilia Hart, Weyward

~edited by Shane Hawk & Theodore C. Van Last Jr, Never Whistle At Night

~William Inge, Picnic

~Jon Klassen, The Skull

~Bill Nevins, Light Bending: Collected Poems

~Celeste Ng, Everything I Never Told You

~Sally O'Reilly, Dark Amelia

~Sarah Penner, The London Séance Society

~Nina Raine, Tribes

~Ava Reid, A Study in Drowning

~Yasmina Reza (translated by Christopher Hampton), ART

~Oliver Sacks, The Island of the Color Blind

~May Sarton, The Fur Person

~Timothy Schaffert, The Titanic Survivors Book Club

~Zoë Schlanger, The Light Eaters

~Sit Walter Scott, Supernatural Short Stories

~Sofía Segovia, The Murmur of Bees

~William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream (Pelican Shakespeare. This is now published by Penguin, but it is my favorite version to have the plays singly for readability/size/use as a script. It's not as scholarly as my Complete Norton or as the Arden editions are for single plays, but for a good useable/easy to carry around with you functional single play script version, they're my favorite. It's also the version of the plays they used for this season at APT and I didn't happen to have this one yet in my collection of Pelican Shakespeare editions.) 

~~William Shakespeare, The Winter's Tale (Pelican Shakespeare. This is now published by Penguin, but it is my favorite version to have the plays singly for readability/size/use as a script. It's not as scholarly as my Complete Norton or as the Arden editions are for single plays, but for a good useable/easy to carry around with you functional single play script version, they're my favorite. It's also the version of the plays they used for this season at APT and I didn't happen to have this one yet in my collection of Pelican Shakespeare edition.) 

~Sue Lynn Tan, Daughter of the Moon Goddess (Mikaela bought this duology in hardcover as they were released and loved them, so I promised her I would buy them first thing when I found them in paperback.)

~Sue Lynn Tan, Heart of the Sun Warrior (Mikaela bought this duology in hardcover as they were released and loved them, so I promised her I would buy them first thing when I found them in paperback.)

~Emma Törzs, Ink Blood Sister Scribe

~D. E. Weingand, Crystal Saga Series 4: Books 7 & 8: New Directions & The Four Twins

~Phillis Wheatley, Complete Writings

~Ellen Zachos, Mythic Plants: Potions and Poisons from the Gardens of the Gods (VERY excited about this one! It's GORGEOUS hard cover with full color illustrations and it combined two things I love very much: Greek myth/religion/history and medicinal plants. I squee-ed and hugged it when I found it at Lake City Books!)

My little hard-to-get baby, I wanna give you the world. Not saying you gotta chase me, But I wouldn't mind it If you gave me just a little bit, Of something we can work it with. But all you do is push me out, But I like it anyways. 'Cause I think I'm getting closer to you every day. I know you'll come around, To me eventually. Just sit back, relax, enjoy my company. Oh, baby, trust me, Once you know what my love's gonna feel like, Nothing else will feel right. You can feel like, Moonbeam ice cream, taking off your blue jeans, Dancing at the movies. 'Cause it feels so, Mystical, magical. Oh, baby, 'cause once you know, Once you know. My love is so mystical, magical. Oh, baby, 'cause once you know, Once you know.

 There is the loveliest sounding/smelling rainfall this morning and everything has cooled down pretty drastically with it. I stayed with the dog working til sunrise because that got me up to over 38 hours for the week so if I can't fit a couple more work hours in, I'll at least be close to 40. Only the rainy day skies were so dark out that I had to double triple check the time because it still was predawn gloaming dark outside.  And there is so much intense flood of love pouring down the bond started right around sunrise!!! Mes bons dieux! It's heady this morning the amount of love pouring in that he's reaching for me.... It's a lot, and honestly I have no idea the why of it only certain about the isness of it. Not really getting anything else though from it other than the flood of love and drawing the bond tighter strengthening it.  I wasn't expecting that at all this morning! And it makes me just want to lean into it and hug him tightly not let go. I have never yet known a way for me to push him away or make me let him go give up on him or even doubt him and the promise of the love flowing between our souls when he reaches for me down the bond flooding THIS much intense love direct channel to me. It's just heady overwhelms anything else when it happens. Every time always. 

Irish season plans already shifting around a bit. 

~Due to the rain, we're assuming Concerts on the Square will get rain delayed til Thurs  and decided that we should be able to make it to Racine by 8pm for the Doolin show at McAuliffe's Pub (though it may be crowded enough not to have seats or anything) AND we learned that it will be JJ's birthday that day!

~Also, Michael Darcy and the Atlantic Vagabonds were unable to get their travel visas from Canada despite trying hard as they could -- this is affecting our La Crosse Irishfest plans. which is where Seo Linn trio are filling in on Sat AND now Howley Brothers are added to the Sunday bill making it worth coming up for Howley Brothers and Boxing banjo and the Scattering (with free beers to kick the kegs) This means that we'll be able to hear the new Gadan lineup and the Howley Brothers sound (spoiler alert: I don't know that I'll love the singer Andrea is replaced with in Gadan and I do NOT like Dave's girlfriend Caitlin's vocals at all, her harmonies in the video shared were just awful) to then be able to decide our Milwaukee priorities during the conflicts. This is a good thing! As a result of this however it means 1) we cancelled the hotel in St. Paul and are planning to save the money just drive back after the Minne Coronas show so we can have Friday during the day back home to get stuff done since we will no longer have the possibility of Sun free to get stuff done. More driving now but we didn't NEED to spend the daytime in Minne or the drive back to La Crosse. It will mean I can water my own plants check in on them and spend more time with my doggo and maybe get some hours in at work. We don't yet know what time on Friday we'll be headed up to La Crosse for the evening.  It ALSO means that instead of going toMilwaukee for the free Howley Brothers in the park show. we'll probably go down to Chicago Gaelic Park to see Emma (with Hannah and Alec joining her again) because she's part of the overlapping clussters in Milwaukee. 

Still no decisions made yet for the Chicago Gaelic park/Dubuque Hooley/Peoria Irishfest weekend -- but probably not all the way down to Peoria this year with their lineup. Still inclined to spend the Saturday at Dubuque Hooley because in addition to Aoife Scott, that will be the only chance this year to see the Kilkennys and it's been AGES since they played stateside anywhere nearby.  Also learned that Aoife will be playing at a winery in Joliet on the Sun of that weekend but don't yet have the schedule for Gaelic Park to figure it out. On verra. But that is so many shows and fests away in my Irish season I don't have to know quite yet. 

Today I need to shower but there's enough lightning in this storm cell I should probably wait until later in the morning just in case. I like showering while the world is getting washed, it feels cleansing soul deep, but it's not a smart safe choice for the electrocution risk if there's lightning and thunder. And I will need to get some laundry done in the morning before I head out to take my gran to her dentist appointment, then meet up with Crissy before heading to Racine to try to be there by the 8pm show start (but preferably earlier for doors to try to find somewhere to perch.)  Crissy kindly offered she can facilitate picking up dinner after her work day because I will be back as soon as I can but gran has a 3:30pm dental cleaning and there's not much I can do about that taking however long it takes for the appointment and getting her back and settled in making sure they have food for her can do her eye drops. All providing the rain don't cause flooding to get in the way, lol.  

So for now, drinking tea and reading and enjoying the patter of the rain and the intensity and strength of the love flowing down the bond since sunrise. Because it's a lot. In the best possible way though.

P. S. 9:09am addendum: he's flooding the bond with love again, and I still dont know why. It's not like he stopped before, more like it settled into a normal basal steady level and just now went back to heady overwhelming flood stage. I still don't know why, just now is. But, ehrm, I'm going to go get the laundry going then. It doesn't stop me from doing things when this happens, it's just sort of overwhelmingly dominantly coloring my inner landscape making everything softer and full of really sparkly love light -- and there's no room when it happens for the shadows of doubts or anything but delight and wonder that it is and I'm lucky enough to have it shining into my inner self like this. And mostly it makes me want to pull him in and hug him close and just bask in the isness of the wonder and joy and beauty that such a bright flow of love light and energy IS.

P. P. S. 1ish pm addendum: no longer have to fit grandma's dentist appointment in because hygienist went home sick. Probably for the best given grandma was having a dizzy spell vasovagal issue again today. Also, my gran loathes rain like a cat but refuses to wear raincoat or hat or hood AND she can't carry an umbrella herself with her walker AND she doesn't like me walking alongside her carrying an umbrella over her (while I still get wet because of the walker width) because with her glaucoma she navigates by following behind someone else walking ahead like a duckling and even I can't walk beside her and ahead of her at the same time. 😆 So this means much less rigamarole for tonight timing. And yes, since it's been raining all day since 4am, they postponed the last concerts on the square til tomorrow. (Which I was never going to be able to do because of being in Chi for Seo Linn.)

[Post title: lyrics to the Benson Boone song Mystical Magical. It was on the radio while I was driving home in the rainy "sunrise" and now it's stuck in my head pretty significantly. That said, thematically suits the post as well as being the earworm playing inside my head even though all my ears can hear is the music of the rain.]

 O hey, here we are and it's Leo season and nearly August which means we are practically into the craziness of my Irish fest season (somehow it's gone from one weekend per year to an entire bloody damn season with me... I genuinely have no idea how I plan to get all my hours of work in AND sleep this year around all the concerts and musicians because of so many mid week shows thrown in as well... Oy Dani, what were you THINKING?! Just oy!) Which is good that I'll not have much free time if you're concerned about the fact that I'm spending the next month or so immersed in and surrounded by the energy of so many of the Irish/Scottish men with whom I share mutual attraction and I've actually never seen an end before a beginning if we were to take the interest further than flirtation. I mean, that's usually my big warning sign I realized in my 20s when it comes to dating -- I will no longer date any man if I can see the end before the beginning (and as a precog I mean that PRECISELY as it sounds -- if I see the relationship ending flash ahead then I won't even consider it because so far in my life those random weird flashes of how it ends have always come true. They could technically be mutable precogs, but they've still happened soooo yeah.) That said, one reason NOT to be concerned is because I've dated in other music scenes when I was younger, but I've actually never dated anyone within the Celtic music community (not even friends with benefits with some of them who are notorious for it) because everyone knows everyone within the community and it's like introducing someone to al the family -- you will never ever ever ever stop having people asking about it or assuming about it once you cross that Rubicon.  It's just a very close knit community and you only date in that sort of community if you intend to follow through with it or don't mind everybody talking about knowing about your private business (and/or taking sides after the breakups) -- I've definitely seen it happen enough time even with musicians dating musicians in that scene that I'm very cautious about it within the Irish music scene.

Honestly, I think a lot of the temptation in me is that they are guys who I find physically attractive and genuinely like as humans and are my type that the Universe keeps throwing my way. (Especially with how much the Universe is putting Martin in my path over this year and giving us so many opportunities (for the longest time he was such a partyer sowing his wild oats type I never really thought he much noticed me even if he is a boob guy and my boobage is absolutely cartoonishly prominent. But more recently I've come to realize he just hasn't known what to say to me or how to say it (Martin has a thick northern Scottish accent and when he's been drinking even I have a hard time understanding it.) But this year he's been going out of his way to come say hi and he absolutely lights up whenever he catches my eye or when I initiate talking to him, which is either new new or I somehow didn't notice over the last 15 years of knowing the Skerryvore lads thinking Martin is super hot but I'm probably not what he's looking for since he's a very hot well muscled charmer and has never lacked for ladies including those who try significantly harder than me to attract a man tend to be that sort of high maintenance skinny girl wears too much makeup spends a lot on clothes type of hot. And I don't really own much makeup at all at this point, I still have clothing from high school, I spend way too much of my money on books, I only work out if it's fun (dance, hiking, yoga, fencing, martial arts, canoeing/kayaking, rock climbing, etc. Sag Mars, if it's not fun then I'm not interested in exercising for its own sake.) AND I think there's definitely a bit of the hopelessness of "look, if I can't have what I want this life because he doesn't want me enough to choose me and there's no place for me in his life, then I'm wasting my time hanging on to a dream that isn't ever brought into the becoming of the real world quotidian and we're getting old enough that we're running out of time especially if I refuse to even consider building elsewhere. We're reaching the point that choosing not to choose someone else is the same as choosing to be alone this life. And that's a choice I should make consciously if I'm going to turn down the other offers the Universe is giving me"  I mean, why should I keep watering what is dead instead of finding a new flourishing plant ready to grow into something beautiful if I just give it my attention and water it with my love? 

Which is maybe not the best or purest motivations to be considering it, but it's not wrong -- the only flaw I can see in that way of thinking is that I don't actually know what he wants thus my assumption that he doesn't want me enough to choose me and the assumption (based on his sister's choices for herself and in the band's name) that there's no place for me in his life as he has built it. And those are assumptions and i recognize them as such rather than being fact... But also that doesn't change the reasons I have for believing those assumptions true unless they are proven otherwise.

And. Honestly? "A lack of communication is communication."  That's what I've spent the better part of seven years teaching myself at this point, especially as far as anything Britt is involved in or touches given her choices she made back in Oct 2018 and every choice she has made since then to ghost and refuse to reply or communicate but has actively liked and encouraged those who did the defensive mean girl victim blaming for her in 2019 and 2020 -- but that includes anything to do with the band and her brother(s) since she is central to their lives and choices. I don't think it is right for anybody else should be the ones to pay for her choices and behaviors, but that doesn't change her spheres of influence and who/what that includes and that at this point I want her to not exist just as much as her choices make it clear she wishes not to exist to me and that means I want nothing to do with any project or any plans or anything that involves her unless/until she is willing to communicate and take accountability for her choices and the pain and genuine harm it caused. Without that, the very best you can expect from me regarding her or anything involving her is very comme il faut politesse for the etiquette of the situation until the end of the situation I find myself in so as not to make things more difficult on innocent other people but towards her or anything involving her there will be no warmth and no love and no admiration and no desire to want to build any of those towards her or anything she is involved in. I don't consider her a bad person, it's not my place to pass judgement on her; but I do consider her someone who acted in the behavior patterns of a bullying bitch toward me (regardless her defensive rationalizing for her past/present behaviors) and refused to communicate about it to heal the dynamics before they could unravel further which caused a lot of pain and damage by her choices and I don't desire that sort of energy in my own life so it's better to give her what she says she wants and to not let her exist to me or to feed her ego by not giving her any sort of validation/affection/admiration. If that's not anything she wants or ever wanted, then it's for her to make right what she broke and the harm it did. Does that sound like blame or judgement? I suppose yeah maybe, but also, what do you  expect me to do with someone who blocks me on the collective band page as well as their personal account then refuses to even reply or acknowledge it but likes (both on personal and band account) all the victim blaming replies from their diehard fans that basically say, "Nobody involved with representing the band would never behave that way, if she did it's your fault -- what did you do to deserve that?" I mean, really, what did you EXPECT my reaction would be other than, "Ok. May you have EXACTLY what you ask for and have chosen and may the consequences of that choice be on your karma, I want none of this sort of toxic or head games in my life." You can't hug your way out of it playing nice when you see me in person while continuing to be playing those games. Best I have for you is perfect manners with no warmth beyond the polite smile and etiquette when sharing space interacting and then going back to giving you what you asked for and you not existing to me.

And with him caught in the middle since it IS his sister made these choices created this dynamic and all the pain and complications it made for other people, it's much easier for me to convince myself that he's happy with his life and his choices and how things have unfolded and the path he is on and that it's time and past time for me to let him go close chapter and for me to look elsewhere. Because as long as he's happy, what reason or right do I have to demand finding a different better way because this isn't what either of us want? Unless there are reasons to believe him miserable, it's much better to believe him happy with this path and where the choices have brought him 

 So that's more or less the argument that my brain makes for why I should just give up and try to forget about my polar bear and the tug of the bond between us and the hope I've held onto for so very long that maybe this life will be different and we can come back together this life choose each other.  That and the timing of being around the temptations for all the remainder of Leo season.  I mean, Martin G and Keith O and Dave H over the next several weeks -- and some Coronas in the mix because why not?

The counter arguments to me considering anything more than flirtation (which is hard to do anyway with an ocean between you) are pretty much: 

1) bear has made up his mind on something he wants and figuring out how to get there from here. He's actively trying -- and you shouldn't do anything to upset that now he's actively trying. Same as you should never put down or tease about behaviors you want to encourage. I don't know what or who it is he's made up his mind about is actively trying to bridge make right, but my not knowing doesn't negate his knowing or certainty or focus.  And I still don't know how much he remembers or dreams or how the bond pulls inside him -- I only know how it is from my side of the way it pulls

2) he was flooding the bond with his love and pulling it tighter in to him strengthening it this weekend. Especially Sunday morning! I don't know why, just know is

3) I can understand the advice to close chapter move on as necessary to not stay stuck, but... I don't know how fair it is of me to date other men when parts of my heart are so stubbornly fixed on someone I've never been with in this life and has never yet wanted me enough to choose me. 

4) I've grown so interwoven into the Irish/Scottish music community and it's such a small everybody knows everybody community that I'd have to really be serious and expect it to last to cross the dating line within the community..... Still, it's hella tempting...

Well. I'm not going to solve it or come to a conclusion right this moment. I will just set it aside for now and let the future unfold however it does.

As for the layout of my upcoming while.... 

~This Weds is the last Concerts on the Square. It's also the Doolin show at McAuliffes in Racine, but unless it rains likely staying in town for a more chill classical concert not the long drive for a French Irish band in a small bar/club space. Especially since I am taking my grandma to a 3:30p dentist appointment so wouldn't be able to head out til after 4:30 anyway. 

~This Thurs is down to Chicago Gaelic Park to see Seo Linn playing. Already have tickets for that! 

~Thus weekend is the drive down to Waterloo Iowa for Iowa Irish fest. Have a hotel for that one.) Will get to see Seo Linn (2 nights), Skerryvore (1 night, then they're driving to Ohio for Dublin Irishfest), Aoife Scott and Andy with her, Byrne Brothers, and Doolin. There are giant gaps in the day, but also a lot of simultaneous scheduling... (Skerryvore and Seo Linn the same time on Fri, Byrne Brothers aand Aoife on Sat and Seo Linn and Doolin on Sat and then Byrne Brothers and Doolin on Sun overlapping across multiple days...) Neither Amanda nor Darian (and Mike) will be having anything to do with whiskey workshops this year which is sad, won't even get to see them. Amanda has two young littles can't be gone all weekend didn't have time for it and Darian and Mike are in New Orleans for a bartenders event of some sort. Which means no charcuterie pairing whiskey tasting for me for breakfast.... Luckily, there's a phenomenal Vietnamese savory crêpe place right by the hotel I love only open during breakfast/lunch and get a $10 off per day coupon for them! In fast, the only whiskey workshop of interest is the cask conditioning one I wanted to do last year after shamelessly flirting with the Irish man from Whistler Distillery who runs it. But that makes 1p the earliest reason to be down at Irishfest on Sat. But also, won't be back til evening of Sun and will be needing to get hours in somewhere somehow?....

Next week: 

~Weds: down to Chicago to see Coronas (Skerryvore are playing Madison either this night or the following, but Coronas won out over seeing the lads in my own home town this time -- especially with how many other Skerryvore shows getting this year)

~Thurs: up to Minneapolis to see Coronas at Ceol on the River event. Overnighting in Minneapolis afterward 

~Fri: Coming back via La Crosse Irish fest -- Skerryvore, Gadan (uncertain how I will feel about them live given the band member changes, on verra) ; also Gaelic Storm and Boxing Banjo and Harp Twins will be there

~Sat: back up to La Crosse -- Skerryvore, a just their main trio Seo Linn set they claim, Gadan (same questions) ; also High Kings and Boxing Banjo and Harp Twins

~Sun: nobody we want to see at La Crosse and not worth driving up just for Scattering with free beer. May drive all the way up to Minneapolis for Minnesota Irish Fest because Emma Langford will be up there. And in Milwaukee, Emma is a conflict with Howley Brothers and/or Gadan pretty well all weekend. But Milwaukee is very much not yet decided when to be where

The week after: 

~Weds probably heading to Milwaukee for free show in the park to see Howley Brothers and Kila but maybe Chicago Gaelic Park to see Emma. 

~Fri-Sun: Milwaukee Irish Fest (luckily nobody we wanted to see Thurs worth driving.) Lots of conflicts -- Gadan is conflicting with Howley Brothers and/or Emma all bloody weekend! Skerryvore actually don't really have many conflicting stages for me and they'll be doing a 20th bandiversary show at Milwaukee with lots of guests from bands they've befriended over the years (I don't know what we actually call it, not a birthday but it's not really an anniversary even if band dynamics can get to be like a marriage sometimes, lol)  

~Also, moms best friend Cathy K is randomly in town 12-18 for family time but I already said I have no idea how I could fit going up to Devils Lake in the mix tbh 

The week after: 

~weekend: haven't made decisions on Chicago Gaelic Park Irishfest, Peoria, or Dubuque Hooley for that weekend. Not getting a hotel in Peoria though. Most likely Dubuque on Sat for Aoife (& Andy) and the Kilkenny's. And I think everyone in Peoria we want to see is splitting with Chicago and that's a much closer drive. But genuinely don't know for that weekend. 

And then that's it for Irish music scene until Fox Cities Irish Fest in Sept. Technically it's 19 & 20 and we have weekend tickets, but I double booked us for 19 buying symphony opening weekend tickets (it's Madison Symphony Orchestra 100th season so they're having a binch of opening events for it) for the Tchaikovsky night with guest pianist Helga Kern when I bought the symphony tickets. But definitely heading up for Sat to see Skerryvore, Cassie & Maggie, and Drowsy Lads! 

 So that's more or less my Irishfest/Leo season right there, lol. I did warn you that if you didn't prioritize me before my Irish filled Leo season started you wouldn't have a chance until after it unless you showed up at any of my Irishfesting and Irish concerts. 

 

 

O! And before I forget! 

Astro Poets Horoscope for this week -- they were both still really beautiful, still seem like they're in a dance or conversation with each other:

"Week of 7/20 in Libra: Something romantic like a light it goes around it beckons. It finds itself so green that it is lit up with sun. You have seen friendship and what it can do. If you doubt it now, you won’t recognize it later. Don’t doubt the love in front of you."

"Week of 7/20 in Pisces: Some dreams are meant to be. And yet the clock keeps moving as it should. Some dreams are not as you wish them. Let them keep moving. Into the distance the sun and an opening." 

"Week of 7/27 in Libra: There is nothing to wonder that what is. But if you’ve loved for so long then you will continue. Likewise, you are loved this long, too. You can dress in green. You can make it all matter with true friendship."

"Week of 7/27 in Pisces: An orange in the distance is yours. Go to it like you’ve always known. Doubt is a true endeavor. You do not need that now. You can always make it light like something leaving."

And just because it's my moon sign (emotions) and seems to be on the same page as my Libra sun sign: 

 "Week of 7/27 in Capricorn: You found it all among the green. You were certain that love endured. Walking along it couldn’t be as you imagined. It was better. It was what you wanted and more."

 

Both of them are definitely on the page of, "Girleen, don't be an idiot... Deep down, you know what you know and you want what you want and if you pretend any damn thing else people will just end up hurt and you won't be any closer to what you ACTUALLY desire. So don't be an idiot."  

 I haven't been writing here much again since last week and honestly I won't be writing here for much of Leo season because of Irish festing make it hard for me to even find enough hours in a week for work and sleep around all the music and friends. Not because I've been feeling any sort of way not sharing keeping to myself, I've just not had anything inside me agitating me to write and nothing external that raised a reaction in me. I've also felt time moving extra fast again recently and not because of having just had the shortest/fastest day on record earlier this month and the second record shortest/fastest was just as Cancer season shifted into Leo season. (Not shortest daylight, shortest day. Look it up if you missed the articles on it. The earth is literally spinning faster this summer so it's less than 24 hours for the full rotation and the scientists don't actually no why. It's only 1-1.3 milliseconds per day even on the fastest days, but at this rate, by 2029 they will have to shave off an entire second. So if it feels like this summer the days are literally whirling by faster, scientifically they technically are.) But I couldn't sleep because of solar storm electrical migraine and waiting on the storm to roll in. 

I've also had way too many claimed evenings/plans this week -- I'm looking forward to nothing on the calendar this weekend since Irish season starts next week already! But, that said, by picking up rush tickets to Picnic last Fri, we were able to see everything that's showing in the first part of the season now AND on Founders Day (the anniversary of the very first play up at APT 46 years ago) we picked up "$46 in any section for any remaining plays" Founders Day Special for Tribes in the center more expensive section which we wanted to see didn't have a four pack confirmed and they sold out stupid fast. And while earlier that week there had been enough remaining seats across enough dates it might have gone on rush (half price for the cheaper seats on the sides) I made the call that Founders Day might sell it out so we should buy them if we could if we wanted to see it. So Crissy looked at my text to her of the dates that had enough seats they might rush tickets and made that happen while I was waiting in the Culver's drive thru and she had their WiFi -- which is good because now we have them and it did sell most of the dates nearly full with the Founders Day Special. 

O and I got the next season symphony tickets bought (this is my year in the round robin of the three of us who go to symphony together) so it's off my mental to do list before Irish season -- just waiting for them to be mailed and hoping they get delivered to my mailbox. Mail carrier has been messing up building 66 vs 96 and unit E v F recently so I keep getting mail that's not for me and don't know if I'm not getting anything.... I'll feel better once I have them in hand tbh. But it's done and ordered so I won't end up forgetting about it while distracted by all my Irish-Scottish music shenanigans and suddenly it's pretty much September and I never did it.

So technically, not only did I do lots of things this last week in my "break" before the whirlwind of Irish fest season, but I bought tickets and made plans for all sorts of other things as well. (Like planning with Amanda and Crissy our inaugural Whiskey Book Club for a duology to read one in Sept and another in Oct and picking out our Scotches for each book. It will be Oban for the second book, but between a couple eastern distilleries for the first. It's a magical fantasy based on Scottish lore with an East West being enemies division. I think one of the books is called something like A River Enchanted and the other is something Fire.... I could go to the other room to look at them and get the titles right figure out the author, but I'm cozy laying here snuggled under the blanket with the dog sleeping on me listening to the rain... Crissy and I both bought them on a Target run together and Amanda agreed to them for our first Whiskey Fantasy Book Club (it was her idea but I love associating specific things with specific books and I definitely have opinions on what season books are to be read and what types of weather and what cozy beverage suits them... Some are specific types of tea, some coffee, some wine by the fire, and some whiskey/scotch....) but then we couldn't do it because Amanda got pregnant with her second little last Spring couldn't whiskey/scotch with us and then we've been waiting on reading these giving her time for the littlest to get older and her drinking more before trying to start it up. So post Irish fest season (though there is Fox Cities Irish fest in late Sept, but that's just the one day driving up to it since we had full weekend tickets bought early when cheaper than single day later but then I accidentally double booked us since that's also opening weekend for this 100th season of Madison Symphony Orchestra so Fri Sept 19 night we will have the Tchaikovsky opening night... I'm sure Skerryvore will understand, at least some of them, choosing a night of Tchaikovsky with a guest pianist over seeing them two nights in a row that weekend, lol.) which means this year I've started two zoom book clubs with different groups of bookworm friends far away (though my birthday twin bestie is in both of them) -- slowly reading history books with tea once a month and devouring fantasy books with whiskey pairing as/whenever we can make it work. Sounds about right.

Next Thurs it's down to Chi to see Seo Linn at Chicago Garlic Park (first I'll be seeing Keith in person since last year.) Then Fri driving down to Waterloo Iowa for their Irish fest over the weekend -- long gaps with nobody but then the times we do care about people are doubled up... Like Fri night going to have to choose between Doolin and Byrne Brothers at the same time (they overlap every day all weekend -- and neither of them are playing many fests at all this year) AND will need to decide if closing out Fri night at Skerryvore set or Seo Linn set.... (Yes both Keith and Martin will be there, but only on Fri because Skerryvore are splitting the weekend between Waterloo Iowa and Dublin Ohio since they're always the same weekend. The Skerry lads will have a long drive Fri night/Sat morning after their set ends and they pack up!) Technically, I have far more opportunities to see Skerryvore this year as they are playing in and around the area pretty continuously this year (I'm even missing their Madison gig got them coming to my actual home city not just all these driveably close shows and fests because it's the same night as one of the only 2 Coronas shows in the Midwest of the States for the entire year.) but I will be seeing Seo Linn Thurs night and get to see them Sat as well.... AND Seo Linn snuck in a bonus set just the core trio of them for Sat at La Crosse Irish fest which was just announced by the band yesterday as finalized. So will again have a fest with both Keith and Martin to distract/tempt me since Skerryvore is playing both Fri and Sat in La Crosse. No idea yet what time the Seo Linn Sat 9 set is though since it wasn't on the schedule which will need to be updated then.  I'll give a better outline of my Irish fest season plans/timelines in a future post once the schedule shifts finish.

So anyway. This is my calm before the storm (actually it's thunderstorming outside this early morning while I write this; writing it laying in my bed with the dog curled up asleep across my legs listening to the predawn/sunrise music of  heavy rain and birdsong and rolling thunder all together.) And tonight is actually the Concerts on the Square my parents paid for a reserved table because the guest artist with the chamber orchestra is the classic rock guest and they will be performing entirety of Dark Side of the Moon for it. (I'm excited we're supposed to be able to somehow get free cow bells to keep for this one!) so it's a table of 10 and it's my parents, me, Crissy, Sarah, Uncle Jeff and his wife Ling, and Uncle Steve Aunt Sondra and Shauna. It IS supposed to be crazy high heat index today but Shauna thinks she should be okay because it will be evening. On verra. Mom ordered pizzas for us form Glass Nickel they're picking up on their way downtown to bring as well as sending wines to chill at Crissy's work across the street and Crissy was planning to bake cupcakes last I knew before she left after stopping by from brie and French wine and to finalize plans with my mama and me. So that's basically my 5p-9p active plans (can be at table at 5) unless they move it to tomorrow for weather (but that's unlikely since it's not major unhealthy smoke warning and we actively are supposed to have storms all afternoon/evening tomorrow.) I do have to pre plan ahead though in drive time and deciding if I will stop at Leopold's for book happy hour shopping and prosecco. (That's 4-7 and I will drive right past it Soooo, might as well if I have time...) AND I will need to water plants give them refilled water bottles (empty wine bottles; for the last couple decades the rule is after Spring equinox we start rinsing and saving all wine bottles for me until I have enough for all my plants) before I head downtown as it will be a scorcher of a day in the 90s and they can't go without any afternoon/evening watering but I likely won't be back until after sunset. 

Honestly, this is such a lovely storm this morning!! Lights flickering and all before I turned them back off!! When I couldn't sleep no matter what I did, I was planning to read some Plutarch while waiting on the storms I expected but weather apps didn't (yet) have in the hourly forecast but then I saw lightning heard thunder so I went checked the minute cast to see how long and it said about half hour til it started and so I decided to write here instead. It's an incredibly dark outside storm this one, so even though it's an hour after sunrise, my bedroom is darker now than during the night because the exterior/parking lot lights are now off -- and so I won't be reading Plutarch unless I want to turn a light on for it and I'm very much enjoying the dark and stormy mood of this early morning. More likely to get some sleep with the windows open for it than turn on the light to read tbh. Just gotta make sure to close the window before the sun comes out to bleach the books and it starts getting hot enough I should have the windows shut and turn the ac on. The birds are singing again now though, so this heavy patch of storm must be passing. I should look at radar/minute cast see how much more it's blown up -- it's already been raining over twice as long as minutecast originally predicted. (Do not get me started venting Bout how bad forecasting is following all the doge cuts to NWS and NOAA earlier this year and how many people are ALREADY needlessly dead from tornadoes and floods due to lack of datasets they used to collect to build models and that's BEFORE the Pentagon was cutting access in July for NOAA and NWS to have the satellite imaging/data for their models AND before the big ugly bill was passed that in addition to removing funding for PBS and NPR also dismantles and ends the emergency broadcast system for severe weather alerts on TV's/radio/phone.... O and hurricane season is just around the corner, second week of August being when you traditionally start having the named ones hit land (although Mexico has been slammed with them already this year, especially ones forming in the Pacific.....) I warned you people are going to be dying preventable deaths in some of the most insane severe weather seen globally this year (climate change has us in year that is neither El Nino nor La Nina -- the major conveyor belts are stalling out and that means chaotic unpredictable weather until the new systems of physics in the warmer patterns establish themselves) and there won't be the prediction or warning systems in place in the US that people have gotten used to relying on.... I've seen what I've seen in precogs and it will get far worse before it gets better with people dying in violent weather due to lack of predictive data and lack of emergency warnings...) 

 Anyway. At least this was a lovely summer storm should get it out of the system so I can keep later today clear for the concert to go ahead before tomorrow's storms since my mum is worrying about having got the table and what if it gets canceled both nights because you don't get the money back then for the pricey reserved tables... You have no idea what intense weather witching I had to do to move that high pressure zone up this far north so we wouldn't be under the derecho ridge Tues-Thurs (that's mostly hanging out west and north of where it was predicted) like they expected. Or if you pay attention to the weather systems and meteorologists like I do or if you're energy sensitive you do know. Will people die from heat dome exposure, possibly... But the heat dome over the south and the derecho setup above it we're going to happen no matter what, it's actually less intense and violent and extremes with the delicate shifting I've done to try to keep this afternoon and  tonight clear and beautiful in Madison.

 Mostly what I do with the weather is to try to keep the right balance for my trees and plants friends and to reduce risks for wildfires/forest fires happening within my zone -- but I do shift things sometimes around my plans so outdoor things don't get cancelled and I have safer driving routes. But I've also had times where my best I can do is driving through tornado warnings barely missing the touch down or driving through intense flash floods (especially heading to/from Minneapolis) and have and to make the call not to go to shows in Milwaukee, Minne, or Chi because I can't promise to get there and back safely though blizzards of high winds. I do the best I can but I won't brute force for my own convenience in ways that might cause extensive deaths elsewhere -- especially with how touchy and volatile and unpredictable climate change has made the net stream and weather patterns over the last decade...

I think we're getting to a break of this storm cell though before the tail end of it forming, the frogs are singing in the pond now with the light rain and thunder And occasional bird song -- so maybe I will get up to make tea and read some more of this  Plutarch chapter before I start in on the next novel, lol. Or not -- maybe I'd be a better me if I got some more sleep. And I am very cozy right now.... On verra.

 O right yeah sure, I'm absolutely overthinking/overanalyzing going over the same arguments not necessarily getting anywhere new (yet) and bemoaning the fact nothing concrete has changed....

 And yet....

And yet, I've been feeling such a strong rushing flood down the bond again breaking through everything else and I did have another polar bear dream today/yesterday (nothing worth writing about plot/action wise or highly symbolic like the frustrating labyrinth dream, but sweet and full of love and he was so certain in himself again which was so beautiful....)  And I can't say if it's something shifted to make him feel more confident in reaching for me will get him a positive response or if it's due to me starting to come out of my deepest part of the hollows of grieving where all emotions are muffled/dimmed or if it's something else entirely that has brought that back in so much more strongly than it's been in many months. At this point, I dunno WHY, just know IS.

 

It's not a logical thing. It's just an acknowledgement that alongside my attempts to put into words overthinking make logical sense, there's this subconscious intuitive knowing and dreaming into a certainty about what IS even if it's not currently visible or logical in the quotidian. 

Do I know what to do with these simultaneous push-me-pull-me ways of thinking/feeling? Nope! And so I just wished to acknowledge that truth and isness about this space/time we're in.

 

I ain't gonna pretend I can square all the circles of this mess or claim I know how we get from here to there. Just stating the isness (even when it's cognitively dissonant isness which in my experience means you need to reevaluate and revise til you find the false idea(s) that make things seem irreconcilable but both true simultaneously.)  And isness requires acknowledging the mess that is where we're at and how we got here but ALSO acknowledging that bond IS and it's flooding heady strong these recent days and in dream space he's very much finding me from a place of deep abiding love and he's certain about himself and what he wants and that he isn't going to choose anything else right now this time.

 

P.S. I know this should be obvious but just in case it ain't.....

I MUCH prefer the intuitive subconscious knowing pouring into me right now over the overthinking analytical thinking in circles and assumptions derived conclusions. Much much MUCH prefer!! Not that preference actually shifts the balance in the scales of truth. But also, I definitely have a preference bias and it's in preference of the intuitive knowing/feeling.

 Why do I find it so hard to fight against and instead I listen to the argument that Eric's happiness doesn't include me in it and there's no place for me in his life so the best thing I can do for him is let him go? 

Well. I guess. That's not an easy question for me to answer but I will try. Because I guess from the outside the holes in it are much more obvious than they are to me when I'm caught in the inexorable Charybdis pull of thinking/behaving that way.

I guess the shortest and simplest answer is that real world practical quotidian I'm NOT in his life and never really have been this life. I'm just not a part of his lived experience so far this life and our paths have only ever crossed in and around shows he's played with his band. Even when I've followed him on socials, I rarely interact with him especially since Oct 2018 when I started to overthink and thus I don't even react/like let alone actually reply in any way to what he shares because I don't assume my honesty is wanted/welcomed and I don't see a point in saying anything if I'm not going to speak my truth or if speaking my truth might get me punished and ostracized. I replied to some to his songs and I was going to for his video concert thing, but I stopped myself even from that any time I've seen comments from his sister there.  So I'm just not actively in his lived experiences of his life path past or present. And given the real world isness of our lives as we have been living them, it would take big hubris in me to tell myself that I'm something he's been missing and looking for when there's nothing concrete real to base that on. Sure I've been tied into his inner life and his dreaming space and whatever gifts he has activated in him this life. (spoiler alert: spending time with me tends to catalyze the (re)awakening of dormant gifts. Its not an active thing I consciously do, it just happens around me, especially the more time people spend with me and the closer we get.)  But I don't know how deeply or to what extent that's true for him or how much of it he knows/remembers in his waking life, only that it's true from my end of the bond and he can reach me energetically and in dreams whenever he truly wants to find me. But that's not something that has ever yet translated into physical lived real life choices or life paths. Occam's Razor would say it never has because it was never wanted or pursued. There's been a lot of reasons for it, but no pull of the bond or memories of his dreams ever stopped him from dating other women falling in love with them believing they could be the one for him -- which to me seems to indicate neither the dreams nor the pull of the bond could have touched him that deeply for him to truly believe that about other women, y'know? Like, I've dated other men but always knowing they weren't him and weren't who I was looking for, they were there to pass the time while I was waiting for him and for me to test myself make sure I wanted what I wanted. I never once even for a moment considered they might be the one for me that I'd been seeking no matter how intense the physical attraction or how great they were or how much I could love them for what they were and who they were growing to be even while knowing they were not for me what I was seeking for myself. 

So there's the practical argument about reality as it is and the very real choices and statements he has made over the years. And the first and third times I put the bond to sleep told myself to let him go WERE in reaction to him being with someone else feeling intensely enough to send me overlays and/or him stating outright that he seemed to be convinced he'd found the love of his life. They were very clearly a reaction to his choices for himself that I pulled away and closed down the bond as best I (or allies) could so we didn't reach and bleed into each other.

And some of it is past life -- in past lives when given the choice he HAS chosen what family/loyalty to a liege lord demanded of him rather than choosing me. That's a choice he started making in the 1400s and hadn't stopped making last I saw him in the 1800s before we crossed paths again briefly in the 1960s in the sunset of his life and before my death (he'd had me die young three times across the course of that life... And due to an ancient promise, we always come to say goodbye once we die before moving on into the process of assimilating the lessons of a life and deciding to remain in the cycle of souls or not.) So there's a lot of learned patterns of assumptions in me to believe that he will choose something other than me based on choices he made across multiple past lives -- and that I will have to accept his choice and create my own life path (or death path) without him from the place of accepting that.  But the point of multiple lives is the lessons to be learned and unlearned across them and just because he's made that choice before doesn't necessarily mean he is this life -- it just means I have learned engrained habits around accepting he has made that choice and what I do when/if he does. 

Another part of it is rooted in the choices the girls made in 2018. Whatever their reasons for those choices to block me, they ARE core central parts of his life -- they are his sister, his band, and one of his closest friends. To be blocked from those existing to me and ostracized that I am neither welcomed or wanted in those spaces of his life was a pretty devastating blow that made a tangible argument I am not welcome and there is no place for me in core aspects of his life. That's what led me to my conclusions to dam up the bond for the second time and it's only because his force of will insistence the band is OURS not MINE was stronger that I gave in and stopped that attempt. But just because the bond is ours not mine doesn't mean there's a place for me in his life. Coming to that understanding didn't change anything about what triggered and motivated me to assume that and do what I did for the remainder of 2018 and the start of 2019.... In summer/autumn of 2019 when they left the label went indie, I foolishly hoped that meant that if the reasons for blocking me were label difficulty related and my honesty making that harder, that as an independent band things could be healed so I at last was no longer ostracized from central pillars of his life. And in that spirit of optimism and faith that engaging in honest communication could fix this, I came back to a lot of shows that summer (the Stevens Point show memories recently came up on my phone) and one last in the fall to see what I saw in person about my welcome and I joined the Kickstarter gave them my money believing in the goodness of who the band claimed to be....and I also tried to clear things up and reached out trying to heal things or at least talk about it. I tried publicly and privately via every method of communication I could think of other than dming Ian or Mike or Grant (who had nothing to do with anything the girls did and never did anything to feed the sense of ostracism due to the blocking on Instagram and i saw no reasons to expect they would really care about the she said-she said of it all making me leave as a fan) and I never got any response back from anyone in the band. I did get attacked and victim blamed by FANS of the band to my public attempts or my personal posts/replies about not going to shows from friends who I introduced to the music AND the band account liked and reacted to those victim blaming attack replies from other fans meaning someone on the band accounts saw my attempts to talk about things and chose silence/ghosting and allowing/encouraging their fans to behave as a queen bee clique where they victim blamed attack for the band. There was only one reply from a place of compassion not victim blaming, and it was from a cousin of the Holljes' saying there must be some mistake because nobody in the band would ever have behaved that way and Britt would make it right if I brought it to her attention. It was sweet of her and it made me smile, but clearly misguided given that Britt didn't even acknowledge when her cousin tagged her on fb about it and Britt was the insta account that had blocked me then under 24 hours later me being blocked on the official band account is what started this. It was other people getting involved saying it must be my own fault and I must have deserved it that is why friends of mine and especially Mikaela declared the band dead to them. And it was after that I came to the conclusion that nobody but me cared about it wanted to heal make things right or even talk about it and communicate so I decided to take the path of accepting rejection as protection and choosing to give them exactly what they asked for -- to the best of my abilities Liz, Britt, and Delta Rae as a band/collective would no longer exist to me and if I was reminded of them I would do what was best etiquette politesse for the moment and as soon as the situation was past return them to their desired state of non-existence to me. And this is how it still is and how it will continue to be as long as their stated desire via actions and communication (or lack thereof) is that they not exist to me. It really doesn't ever affect me now EXCEPT in the context of my ostracism from those accounts that are three central parts of his life being heavy weighted reasons/proofs that there is no welcome for me and no place in his life given how central they are to his life. It's an irrefutable factual evidence based argument that I'm not welcome in his life and it's stronger than any logic or intuitive based arguments that maybe he desires me needs me just as intensely as I do him. And whenever I'm reminded of how close he is with his sister or how important his band is to him or he shares things I can't see on his insta because they're from one of those three insta accounts, it reinforces and makes stronger inside me the belief that there's no place for me in his life or among the most important parts of it that creates his happiness. 

I can fight against the argument that I've not been part of his life thus far with the counter argument that what hasn't happened YET doesn't limit what could still happen in the future. And his choices across time defeated the arguments that those women he fell head over heels in love with are who he believes to be the one for him. And past lives choices/values aren't ever indicative of present or future life choices/values. But how can I hold any sort of counterpoint against the argument there's no welcome and no place for me in his life given I'm unwelcome and actively ostracized from his sister, his band, and one of his closest friends? Where am I supposed to see any possibility or hope for me belonging in his life when I'm not wanted not allowed to be included in three things that are of core importance to him and his life? 

And that's where I always fall prey to the argument that since I want him to be happy, the best thing I can do for him to have that is letting him go. 

Not from a change in my desires or from anything he has ever said telling me that's what he wants would choose for his life at this point... It comes from me wanting him to be happy and recognizing that I'm not welcome in three core people/collectives/aspects of his life and concluding that there's therefore no place for me in his life so the best thing I can do for his happiness is to make me push him away let him go. 

I won't ask if that makes sense, because I recognize there's some big gaps and assumptions in that conclusion, especially given that every time I listen to it he gets stuck in depression and hopelessness no matter if he's in another relationship or not -- and that should be evidence enough that somehow his happiness REGARDLESS anyone else's choices requires the flow of the bond and at least the hope of me in his life.... It isn't expected to make sense like a logical hypothesis conclusion of scientific or philosophical experiment/argument. I'm just trying to explain how it is that I get trapped in believing the assumptions and rationalizing that it's for his greatest good and his happiness that I need to deny my own desires and the pull of the bond instead make me let him go. 

I could dismantle it if there wasn't concrete evidence that I'm not welcome in core aspects of his life.... But I don't expect that to change, I've given up trying to initiate that change or open communication about it because I got burned enough times trying back in 2019 and early 2020. That's why I didn't say that healing that is what I need to counter this toxic behavior pattern -- because I don't expect it to change and the root causes of it aren't within my choices or his choices to fix anyway. 

 But if I had clarity and knew what HE truly needs for his happiness and what he would choose if he could choose anything, knowledge of his truth from him would be weapon enough against the argument, "don't you want him to be happy? How can he be happy when tied to someone who has no place in core parts of his life? Let him go if you want him to be happy."

I don't know what else would.... There might be other things that could help me in shutting down this assumption based rationalizing and denying it before I get caught in the web of it can't fight my own way out. But I don't know what they might be other than taking away the argument by healing what it's rooted in or me having clarity from him of what he desires/needs/chooses for his own happiness.  I no longer expect or hope for the first one and I have no idea how I could get the second.... But both of those would defang the argument that drives that reactive down spiralling in me distancing myself from him trying to let him go and giving him up for this lifetime accepting this isn't meant to be a reunion life for us after all....

That's why/how I end up listening to that type of argument from assumptions that lead me to the stoic martyring decision to deny my own desires/choices in the name of his supposed happiness he's choosing for himself. 

It's a mess when I get to thinking/behaving that way, isn't it? But it's never born from anything I want for myself or from any place of trying to hurt him - it always comes from the argument based on assumptions that somehow the bond to me with me holding hope for reunion this life is unwanted and active impediment to him having the happiness he would choose for his life.  It doesn't mean I'm right when I'm acting/believing that way, but it is what's going on inside me when it happens and why I find that argument based on assumptions compelling enough to be treated as best thing I can do for him.

It sounds really stupid, even to me, when I lay it out in words like this.... But it doesn't take much for it to feel real and like a good argument to me -- sometimes all it takes is the sharing about a new band single or something about how much he loves his sister she's central in his life or him saying something I interpret as him saying he wanted/wants someone else not me in his life for this all to come rising back up from the dead in a whirlpool of assumptions/conclusions that drags me back into accepting/believing/acting on it stronger than ever.... 

And I'm sorry for any/all the pain that gets created when it happens...that's not anything I ever wanted. When I'm thinking that way I can't fight my way out of it, I've nothing steady and true enough to use against it.... It's terrible for me as well being caught in it and believing it that way... How could it be anything but terrible to tell yourself you need to give up the one thing you selfishly want because there's no place for you in his life as it's built and you do want his happiness more than you want him to be yours?.... It hurts. It always hurts. Nothing good ever comes to me from that way of thinking/acting. It's even worse when I realize he was as hurt and reactive pulling into himself as I felt -- because then even if I immediately stop my behaviors and flood the bond with love/reassurance that I'm still here still desire and love him, I also have the guilt of my actions causing hurt to him (even if self inflicted it was a reflection of my choices) and creating exactly the opposite of my goal which is for him to have in his life whatever greatest happiness it is he desires and chooses for himself... Even though I don't actually know what that happiness looks like for him or what it would require as integral to anything he would choose or want for himself. 

It's a mess. I know. But also, I do believe it can be untangled made right by honesty to oneself and to each other. I do believe that honest communication coupled with a genuine desire to find a better way is the key to unlocking different ways of being for both of us. 

Which is why right now, I'm just trying to be honest about how/why I come to believe it and act on it these recent year and why it's so powerful and argument with me. Because maybe if I can be honest enough, I can find one of the two ways to defeat the argument before it gains strength or someone with a more objective vantage than me can find a course for both Eric and I not to get stuck in reflecting thai same set of toxic patterns between us that cause/result in pulling away from each other accepting that we can't be together have reunion this life..... 

Getting close to sunrise now. Rather dark grey cloudy dreary out there this morning though -- but air quality is the best it's been in ages and there's still time for the sun to break through the clouds. And if not today, it will some other sunrise. Eventually, the sun always breaks out again in all its glory no matter what gets in the way obscuring it. I'm going to go back to reading some more, but after true sunrise is past, I should consider getting some sleep if I get tired enough to want a lay down -- I have evening plans to meet up with Crissy downtown for Concerts on the Square (rain rescheduled due to the storms and tornado risks yesterday afternoon/evening.) no book happy hour at Leopold's though because it's Thurs not Weds. I could still book shop (I drive directly past three headed there and Lake Street Books is right nearby Concerts for me to conveniently park near if I want to be bad and ignore all budgeting concerns) but without the excuse/reward of prosecco for every book I buy, it's just budget breaking giving into temptation without any redeeming rationalizations for it.

If I hold you close, in the dimming light, As the sun gives slowly to the starry night. And the whispered words, are carried on the wind, Like ghosts and angels and the sea that sings. 'Cause we don't know what tomorrow brings, But your love is as pure as when the church bell rings. And time will take us on an angel's wings, You're a melody as sweet as the sea that sings. A melody as sweet as the sea that sings.

Over the weekend was Art Fair (On the Square (by invite only from all over the US/world) and off the Square (WI artists only.))  Despite the ongoing air quality warnings covering the entire state (and neighboring states) from the Canadian wildfires, Crissy me us at my parents house where I picked up my mom and Sophie to go meet my da after he was done frisbess golfing at Come Back Inn for outdoors brunch with the doggos. Then my da took the dogs back with him and the three of us headed to go peruse/shop Art Fair. Sarah texted us their family had come down but she was having a hard time breathing with the smoke was going to rest in a coffeeshop for a bit but Mikaela and her dad Chris were wandering and they found us pretty quickly as we were browsing the outer loop (the crowd is too thick generally to do both sides for most of the day so we usually do outer loop then off the square then inner loop. (Later Sarah did come join us as well for most of off the Square and Denis found us there as well though he was browsing on his own timeline because we were running out of time and still had the entire inner loop to do.)  

I didn't buy all that much this year and almost everything I bought was from artists I already know and love and support.  The only exception was my first set of purchases at a place both my mom and Crissy were buying pretty earrings (none of the colors quite suited me) and she had a lot of very pricey but gorgeous cut/set crystal/gems pieces that were outside my price point. My mum found a $10 fair sales basket that was all bead work from her previous jewelry making style and I found four pieces I really liked and my maman offered to throw them on her order as long as they were all from the $10 basket not one of the several hundred dollar necklaces/rings I was coveting. The first I loved was the garnet bead bracelet then I found the moonstone-onyx earrings, then the garnet earrings that match the bracelet, and lastly the more iridescent luminous moonstone with labradorite that was similar to the moonstone-onyx but very different vibe. We all agreed that for $10 each, I might as well get both as I will wear them at different times and me trying to decide would cost more time than just spending the extra $10 on getting both, lol. 

 

The next stop for purchases was Inner Woven, a couple where she sources the crystals/stones and he does the stone cutting for her and she builds gorgeous macrame around them. I like both their energy very much and enjoy talking to them about the places they travel where the stones are mined and how they bring in the energy from the places into the designs. Last year I bought one of their cheaper non-macrame pendants of a tree wire wrap around a quartz and convinced Crissy to buy an absolutely GORGEOUS larimar macrame necklace that everybody compliments her on. (I love larimar, it has this great oceanic foam clear Caribbean waters/beach energy to it that makes my heart sing whenever I hold it, but I can't wear it because it doesn't work for my skin tone with my blue veins so near the surface, it's too icy a color for me to wear without looking undead especially in the winter when my pallor is already extra luminous, lol.)  This year, I bought another not macrame cheaper pendant of rose quartz and  a lovely honey onyx macrame bracelet that I love the energy holding it in my palm. (Crissy also bought a bracelet, smaller and less ornate with sky onyx but I have no picture of it.) 

 

The only thing I'm not certain with my bracelet is that it affected my energy/chi/prana flow wearing it so I'll need to play with it and work with it. Crissy has no such problems but her gifts run toward defensive/observation/empath reading gifts whereas I have a VERY raw elemental intense use of spiritual energy as my constant isness before even feeling the raw intensity of when I channel energy through me or doing active energy work or even just the raw power of when I'm lit up with joy and it's luminously bright.  And, I don't USUALLY use my own reserves of chi/prana/energy for any of that energy work unless I'm pouring healing/pain relief into a loved one (human and fur baby) who is dying and I can't save them with a proper healing acceleration, only ease the passing so it is less painful. I generally have two forms of energy work -- one is when I have big energy work I need to do and I directly connect up to the Divine/Source or a god/goddess/archangel to work through me and the energy pours through me as a conduit coming in down through my crown chakra -- and that's only short term because you will overload a physical body if you run too high a voltage of raw spiritual energy through it. (When the bond is open flooding love and light into me and I flow it back to him it's similar but it comes in through my third eye/pineal gland NOT direct conduit down through the crown chakra/above and then what I send to him flows outward from heart chakra to be received via his third eye/pineal gland when it flows both ways  cycling between us it makes an infinity sign/loop even across vast distance and I've SEEN it when we're closer together in polar bear dreams -- and the love light energy flow between us through the bond even at it's most flood state brightest intense is a different color/energy (to me it's like pearly opalescent peachy pink with a deep pomegranate red phoenix core and a shimmery nimbus green-blue with a pale yellowy-golden-white-full moon core colored strands of two differing colored light-shimmers twined/braided together into one seeming beam of love light but with those two distinct strands of colors creating it together, distinct but also braided around and through each other; that's the color tones I get with the love light flooding in and out between my polar bear and me) than the pure raw Divine/Source rainbowy prismatic bright white burning magnesium bright energy through my crown chakra when I have a big energy work of healing/banishment/dark spirit energies to be cleansed work. So the bracelet didn't affect either of THOSE sorts of chakra energy work and it didn't affect my ability to ground and connect down into the planet energy and the grounded life force. But the other type of energy in me is a constant state of energy flow through me like breathing (or like the filter feeding of water in a mollusc) and there's just always a current of the raw ambient energy around me that flows in through my left hand and out through my right hand (I take away pain with my left hand and I pour healing energy into another with my right hand if I or anyone else closes the circuit the power builds up until even non-energy sensitive people can feel it and that's when I tend to blow out nearby speakers and amps accidentally even when my emotions are in control -- when my negative emotions aren't in my control my chi/prana is like the destructiveness of a wildfire/hurricane all in one until I get my emotions and thus my energy back under my control; when my joy is strong beyond my control I don't try to rein it in and it's like everything shines brighter and everyone's giddy on champagne bubbles just by being in proximity near me, lol ) and when I do energy work without connecting up or when I just get annoyed and I cause electronics to eff up because of how big my aura/chi gets whenever I feel just about anything. And NORMALLY I don't have any problem with rings or bracelets interrupting the flow (though some DO augment it or focus it in a noticeable to me way -- garnets align with me rally beautifully as well as aquamarine and opals are particularly well aligned work with me energetically) but these are almost always relatively simple metal with stone or wood. I didn't have difficulty as a child with my own friendship knotwork bracelets made from embroidery floss but I never liked wearing ones made by other people even close family/friends because the strings would always fray/snap. The plastic rubber band finger loom bracelets my niece Mo loves making also snap, but they don't affect my energy flow. However, the gorgeous macrame DID affect the energy flow like breathing through me and I tried it on both wrists.The energy built up either in my left hand/wrist for coming in or inside my right arm not able to gently release it like breathing as I normally do -- and me building up chi/prana soul energy rather than letting it flow through me can be very explosive into the energy field and echo through timelines/space time threads like when released like holding your breath until it HAS to release out of you... And I don't know if it's the energy trying to filter through the shapes of the knotwork like narrowed channels trying to drink the same volume through the thinnest twisty straws and if I could use it protectively -- but experimenting with it in a large crowd was a bad idea so I took it off when I felt the energy building up in both my hands. So anyway, I love the bracelet and the energy flow of me holding it across my palm is incredible -- but me wearing it on either wrist was causing the energy flow to get a huge pressure like trying to fit too great a voltage/flow rate through a small thin conduit. So on verrra. but she's a lovely lovely bracelet and honey onyx has the prettiest deep Divine eternal spiritual meanings to it! 

Anyway.

So next were the Off the Square purchases.  First stop was Pete Sandker (an artist based in La Crosse) who is very flow nature spirit and wild animals based art. He's very close to the Goddess even though he's male (he's also a very nice guy generally) and he paints a lot of animals and wildflowers/trees that I love! I don't always remember which f his woodland/foxes/birds I already own, but both of these two are newer and I know I don't have them yet. Hannya I had seen online as work in progress on his insta/fb but it was gorgeous to see the original in person and to be able to buy a print of it for me. I have a lot of works of his but weirdly they're not currently up on the walls -- I buy them seeing them in a different home than my condo. (I have a LOT of artwork -- framed and unframed. Please know that I come with a LOT of books and a LOT of artwork. So not only will I need book cases, preferably dedicated library especially if I'm not going to stack my books double/triple thick the way I do, but also I have a LOT of artwork for the walls. Most of it is nature based with a surreal/fantastical/Art Nouveau flow and some of it is dark witchy and some it is bright light filled and some of it is a balance of the light with the dark. O and a large collection of concert/tour posters from shows I loved and tours I loved getting to see live -- I'm out of space on my concert/music poster hall wall though and I have a lot that aren't up. Ones that I've never yet had frames/wall space to put them up beyond just the Delta Rae ones that I took out of their frames and put away in a bag on the top shelf in the closet of Spare Oom along with my Delta Rae shirts when I removed them from my wall/closet back in Oct 2018 and replaced the posters with a Billy Joel at Lambeau Field poster and one of my signed George Winston posters and a signed We Banjo 3 poster that were just the right size for the frames to replace the empty spaces when I put them away because seeing the signed After it All poster and signed New Moon Rising tour and signed Winter Acoustic tour posters on my wall of happy concert tour memories wall no longer gave me joy. I still have them all in my closet, I haven't brought me to get rid of them, but I didn't want them on my walls when they made me sad/hurt/angry instead of bringing me joy like they used to.) Anyway. Pete Sandker art, I bought two prints -- Hannya is bigger than The Wind in October. The glare off the plastic absolutely does not do these justice but I didn't want to be taking the prints out of the plastic until I have frames for them.

 

 The next stop was to see Charlotte and her niece (who helps her at the art fairs since her daughter moved to Queens for her MFA -- they still paint together, but her daughter doesn't come to shows anymore. Mikaela (who grew up surrounded by all my Charlotte Fung Miller and her family Chinese paintings/watercolor and is why Mikaela is so drawn to that style) found a small framed picture an a print she wanted from her (neither do I have pictures) and I picked up this lovely framed original that caught my eye and the colors/composition just made me happy. Waffles also liked it. Not sure where it's going to go, maybe my bedroom? But it's framed so I just have to decide and I can put it up.

 

 

 Next was visiting Hannah of HR Designs!! Adore her!!! Shes the one who designed my labradorite necklace I love that i get so many compliments on (with a warm toned side and a cool toned side -- one of the rarer types of labradorite) and is a design she always has with different beautiful stones she finds. We don't always buy from her, but she always absolutely lights up insists on sweaty hugs no matter how hot the day is for me and my mum and Crissy. This year Crissy bought a pair of GORGEOUS lilac chalcedony earrings (a beautiful color but not one I would wear often but I was trying to help Crissy find them) and I bought a very sweet simple emerald necklace I admired a similar ruby one I coveted last year but didn't feel quite right but this year I saw she had an emerald version of it and as soon as I touched it I knew I must buy to be able to wear the emerald one. (Fun fact about me -- I've never wanted a diamond wedding ring -- all my life I've known i want a channel set band of matched emeralds. For me emeralds mean love and heart chakra NOT a stone that rust reflects and refracts other light/color and is all sparkle with no substance. But even though I've known since I was a child that's what I want to symbolize my marriage if/when I ever get married and for me emeralds are the REAL stone of love, I actually don't own many emeralds.. I inherited an emerald ring from my grandma but it doesn't fit any of my fingers well and I have some peridot and beryl earrings but this is my first and only emerald necklace I've ever owned.)  

 

 

As I was paying for my necklace and Crissy went to hand me back my larger art once I was done paying, Hannah was actually INCREDIBLY excited about and loved the Pete Sandker piece Hannya. She said it was exactly her aesthetic and she's named Hannah (and her husband is Lanny) and she was joking she needed a print of Hannya (especially after reading the description) to represent when she's in a bad temper or when they're been fighting or just wake up on the wrong side of the bed in a witchy mood, lol. 

 The last piece of art (but the very first I saw and coveted -- he's an artists I own lots of painting from but his booth was so busy and he was right on our way by where we parked so I figured I owuld look end of the fair) is from Phillip Singer. And yes it's naother surrealist polar bear -- though interestingly, my other two polar bears from him are by themselves one swimming over a desert and the other floating among the aurora, but THIS one actually has two polar bears in it, the second back closer to the house in the background, and the giant floating wondrous jellyfish in the air is the main focus. Curiously, before I made it back over there, the first place Mikaela stopped was his booth (she also grew up surrounded by his art because he's a favorite of mine and she did some paintings/sketches of her pets in his style and did a report on him for one of her painting classes) and she didn't own any and chose the polar bear jellyfish print as the one she wanted in her own bedroom as well "because it reminded me of you, but it's not either of his single polar bears you already have-- it's got them both together staring at this enormous sky jellyfish." And she didn't even know I'd promised myself when I saw the large original he had up of it that I'd be buying that print if they weren't al sold out by the end of Sunday. The first print I found was 117, which was a good number but not quite right, but then I found a second one in that size and it was number 111!!! Which was the most perfect of perfect numbers from the run of prints -- so that's the one I bought me. I still need to get that one and the polar bear under the auroras framed (only the polar bear swimming over the desert with the cardinals is framed and hanging over my bed, but I intend for them all to be above my headboard. Waffles also loved this print, lol. 

 

 So that's the artwork (only 3 prints and 1 original) and jewelry (2 necklaces, 3 earrings, and 2 bracelets) I purchased this year at Art Fair. There's other prints/jewelry places that Crissy and my maman and Mikaela bought things at -- but I only spent my own money at artists I already know and love. I didn't buy any at Dragonmar because all the prints ($20 price point) that I loved that suited me I already had with different colored matte and the dragon with crystal ball original I LOVED was not even framed and was $226 which was a lot for a print sized unframed piece even if it was an original sketch.

 Tonight went to see ART at the Touchstone -- it was fabulous!! Great beautiful classic girls night APT picnic with Crissy, Sarah, and Mikaela. Gorgeous perfect sunny summer evening full of bee balm and buzzing bumbles with plenty of time to gift shop then enjoy our meal and relax and chat and we had our classic Freska (gyros/Greek food on the way out of town en route) and wine (well M had a lemon soda) and a leisurely walk up to Touchstone. (Sarah took the shuttle up but walked back down with us.)  And the play was so funny and good!!! They're production was phenomenal and all three were great in their roles!! Definitely a production worth seeing! (there IS a Broadway revival of it coming up with famous actors, but I loved the choices Marcus, LaShawn, and Triney made for their roles and interactions. And they did a talk back after this one as well -- when I can I try to make talk back performances even if I don't have questions (I had one tonight and it was the first she asked) because I like the insights and things I learn from the actors and their process/thoughts about the texts and how they bring it alive. We also did the talk back after Midsummer Night's Dream.) More on it later if I remember. Have to process it further. (Also Crissy and I picked up rush tickets to see Picnic on Friday at 50% off -- at which point we will have seen all of the plays at both theatres currently running -- the next batch of them starts in Aug. And the only one we don't already have tickets for is Tribes which we want to see but the 4 packs sold out FAST before we could get tickets and so we are hoping will have rush tickets or we may just full price it in September if it never goes rush... On verra.) 

~*~*~*~ 

So. Now for something very different and hiding the truths in plain sight of me but after a lot of other less important things. (As I do.) 

In non art fair art and non APT play titled ART news. (And this part I wrote on Monday but then didn't finish and got tired/busy so came back to it but then I had other things to get done and hadn't taken pictures of my art fair purchases (also written/drafted earlier but didn't hit post because I needed the pictures.) Only the part about seeing the play ART on Tuesday evening was written on Tues night. So remember that this next part was written Monday night/early on Tuesday then read/edited before posting on Tues night.) 

I did receive a funny little email on Sunday night from Eric's site to himself that I was bcc-ed on and I assume went out to everyone on the email list but I don't know?...it was very different than most of them that go out to his list, no graphics or formatting just a small message really. But it was because it was different that it caught my attention the way it did while I was going through emails that night. The title was just "tomorrrow..." and the text was: 

"I’ve been waiting a long time for this…

see you tomorrow at 11:11"

And then it had a link to his instagram where it said 11:11 and being naturally curious I clicked on it. (I'm curious but I'm not completely tech illiterate stupid -- I DID hover my mouse over it and check the site it linked and saw it led to his insta before I clicked on unknown link that might have been potential scam/malware hack job if I didn't check it first.) And when I got there, I was surprised because he had cleared out everything that had been there across all the years. All the pictures and videos and memories and everything just gone. And while my insta has nothing on it for years now after I deleted all the pictures put my Audrey Pupburn's picture up made the name non gendered because I was tired of the spam and unsolicited dick pics having a female name/pictures on it, that's really not normal for someone to clear it all out get rid of all of it like that.  Removing everything on a social media is rather like a woman cutting/coloring her hair when something is going on in her life and you need something dramatically different  and it is usually a sign of either distress or a conscious change, of purging what has been to make room for what is new disconnected from what came before. Even when it's done under the guidance (or misguidance) of a PR push, those are still at the roots of what it represents. And I don't know how long he's had that cleared out, but I saw it on Sunday night that everything that had been there was gone when I went to look at it for the first time in like a yer or so --  and all because of that funny little email with the link. And so then I made sure to go look Monday in the morning at 11:11 (well 11:11 his time not my time) because of a mix of curiosity and compassion and concern -- so I did see the new post and the changing of the image and I wasn't entirely sure what if anything had shifted but I decided I would follow him again there to give him a chance to communicate in his own time and way and for me to be listening while he does it.  As for the picture itself he shared? It made me want to hug him. I mean, there's a certain amount of that always for me whenever I see him even in pictures. But this desire to hug him is a place of reassurance, of letting him know he's going the right way and he will get there wherever it is he's longing to be.

So I am following him there again now, even before seeing the much more official looking email list email he sent out this evening -- because I don't know the why or the focus of the shift in him, but something has shifted and intuitively I think it for the good but also I don't know. And as I said, it's important to me to know/believe that he is happy or at least having the happiness he chooses for himself in his life -- because if he isn't then it's pointless toxic stubbornness for me to deny my own heart and the longing pull towards him and to persist in trying to make me let him go for his sake because that's clearly not working and not healthy and not getting him to where/what he wants. It comes from wrong headedness, but not wrong heartedness that self-denial in the name of what I get to thinking he wants/chooses.

I should also be honest and admit that earlier in the weekend (or maybe last week? I'm not very good at marking flow of time, just order of events that happen before/after/sequential is how I place things in my internal timelines due to my time blindness and living in flow as my state of isness) I read/listened to his most recent song on his 100 songs project and then more recently read his additional introduction to it before seeing the email on Sunday evening. It was completely by accident, I'd left the tab open between other open tabs so I could easily listen to them read them again if the mood struck me without having to dig through old emails and that night I accidentally clicked on it when I meant to click on a neighboring tab and when the tab loaded I saw there was a new song (though no email list about it that I received) so I opened it to listen to it. That wasn't active curiosity or anything, it was pure serendipity/chance/fate that I clicked on the wrong tab to see the new song there.   So when I got that email on Sunday, he was already getting close to a week top of my mind and opening up questioning inside me about a lot of things that I haven't questioned in a long while. Especially once that intro was added to the song. Because I can't recall the timing of when I saw the song but I DID notice the date of him posting the song and how it aligned with my own resurfacing talking about the way things have been and it weighing heavily on me at the start of the month. And the context of the intro helped a lot once that was added-- but it also opened up more questions in me. I mean, I'm glad his brother pointed out to him the pattern and helped him see that he wants/needs the bridge and the way out of repeating themes, because I was upset about it (upset for him not at him, I suppose upset at me) since it was making me feel that all the choice to sacrifice my own desires in the name of his happiness was pointless then if this is where and how he's feeling and the place he was stuck in. Because I didn't know that to be his truth until I saw/heard it and then I was just upset for him and upset with me because what even is the point of me trying to make me let him go except if it help him on his path for his happiness rather than me pulling him away from what his heart desires/chooses? So I was very happy when the intro was added and I learned that Ian called him on it and they had a good discussion about it and it redirected him to find a better way and a better ending.

But the intro, as I said, it raised more questions in me. because I couldn't help noting the synchronous timing of him falling back into his distancing and stuckness as he describes it and me pulling back into resting behind the assumptions that I'm no part of what he wants and the best thing I can do for him is to let him go to pursue what he does choose. Because that's not where I was at the end of last year and the start of this year -- instead I was full of love rushing down the bond to me and flooding everything out except the certainty of the isness and... sacredness? that feels the right word I want... inherent in the bond especially when it's full of light/love flow back and forth. It wasn't until late February or early March, somewhere in there, that I pulled back into those assumptions and the conclusions they lead me into... And I know that's when it was because it was not the first time I watched his special but when I watched it and what I heard in what he said was that breaking up with the scorpion chick was the biggest mistake of his life. And even when I rewatched it realized what he'd actually said was he didn't want to make the biggest mistake of his life (but crucially didn't state whether the staying with her or leaving her was the biggest mistake only that he recognized himself at a crossroads and didn't want to make the biggest mistake of his life) the damage had already been done inside my head of reawakening that way of thinking/reacting in me pulling back remembering the assumption that I'm no part of his life as he's chosen to build it and I should be letting him go because I'm no part of the happiness he seeks. It's a way of thinking that when it catches hold in my head it's so strong almost impossible for me to dig out while I'm caught within it.... I can't say if it's fear or courage of stoicism that gives it such tenacity and strength -- because I know it's not what I want to be true or want to do -- but once it gets inside my head that the best thing for me to do for his sake is let him go to pursue what he actually wants, I don't really have any weapons or will to fight it because I do want him to be happy and to have the happiness he seeks/choose and the last thing I'd want to do is be in the way of that... And I KNOW that all that's needed to defeat that way of thinking/assuming is true knowing that me letting him go is the very last thing he wants or would choose for himself, that knowing that to be his isness and truth would shut it down completely before it could gain power inside my head. And because a known truth greatly outweighs any type of assumptions with me, that's all I would need to know as his truth to make me stop fighting against my own longing and to stay instead of me giving the assumptions enough credence and power over me for me to make me let him go again. 

But here's another thing I started questioning about the timing... And that is.. I don't know causality, I only know correlation.  I don't know if he starts to retreat and hide in his stuckness and that's what makes me start believing that I'm no part of what he chooses for himself OR if me doubting it pulling away is something he defensively reacts to by pulling inward retreating to not be hurt again by me leaving/letting him go giving up on us reuniting. I just don't know... The timing as I know it is so vague that I don't know which happens first causes the other, I just noticed that they seem to happen simultaneously... but i do think it makes a toxic feedback reactionary loop of reflecting the energy back and forth between us at the psychic inner soul level where we both pull back into ourselves rather than reaching for each other and that we justify it by telling ourselves it's best for the other if we do that. But is it? How could it be if it just leaves us both unhappy and distant and separated rather than fully seated within our lives as we would CHOOSE to live them if we could choose anything? No matter how we self justify the behavior patterns, HOW can it be best for the other if their reaction leads them into their own recurring toxic pattern as a reaction that doesn't lead to happiness just into accepting the state of unhappiness and empty waiting/wanting as becoming a new baseline for "normal"? And I guess then... If it's reflecting each other and reactionary feedback loop, then it doesn't matter which of us START it as the cause of it happening, we both end up feeding it making it worse as how we react to the feeling that the other is pulling away. Like, it doesn't matter which of us started pulling back or the why of it -- the ACTION of either of us pulling back away from the bond causes us to react by falling into the same pattern of behaviors which then resonates in the other as reasons/fears/motives to also pull back fall into their version of rationalizing the pulling away again. I suppose it doesn't matter the causality since we're just reflecting back at each other causing the other to rationalize what they otherwise wouldn't accept thinking it for the other's desires.

If I think back to the frustrating angering labyrinth polar bear dreams as metaphor, we are the distorted reflections back to each other when we engage in this mirroring behaviors of self-denial in the name of rationalized "this is what the other wants." But it isn't truly what EITHER of us want, just a distorted reflecting back and forth between us assumptions about the other one...

Does that make sense the line of questioning I've been pursing the last day or so? I don't pretend I have answers or anything -- but at least I'm questioning again instead of just assuming and letting assumptions ossify.  

 And I think... I think that if we both keep following the same loops we won't get anywhere new. Because it doesn't really matter which of us initiates the pulling back if the other reflects it and then we negative feedback loop each other in that way. And the answer isn't just to tyrannically say, "no more intrusive thoughts based on assumptions" because that's not realistic. Everyone has intrusive thoughts sometimes and they're most often tied to our deepest desires and/or deepest fears, so you can't stop the intrusive thoughts from happening unless you tried to root out the seat of both desires and fears which would be damaging to both heart and soul. I think what we (or at least I) need is to better recognize the intrusive thoughts when it first shows up AND the weapon to just demolish the argument it tries to build as soon as it's recognized so it can't create for me to fall back into these behavioral loops in me. And. I think. The intrusive thought gains power in me by weaponizing my desire for his happiness, by convincing me of the assumption that his choices and his happiness require me letting him go. My desire is still and always his happiness but because of the intrusive thought pattern hijacking and weaponizing that desire, I start pulling away from him which causes hurt and he starts reacting in his reflective feedback loop to feeling like he's losing me by closing off retreating into himself from the hurt.... I think the weapon I need against the assumption is knowledge, it's certainty/clarity of some sort about what it is he DOES want to choose for his happiness. Because no sort of intrusive thought can weaponize my desire for his happiness by preying on an assumption if I can fight back against the assumption know it to be false with certainty and clarity about what he does want for himself. Does that make sense? I don't know how I get that, but I do know about me if I had that sort of clarity/certainty, I'd be able to stop the circles within me that are part of the reactionary feedback loop of assumptions. 

That's what I want and need on my end to change the recurring patterns we reflect between us. Certainty and clarity about what he ACTUALLY desires and chooses for himself. Because whenever I pull away or seem to reject him or try to let him go, it's always born out of an intrusive assumption that I'm not part of the happiness he's seeking or what he wants to be building his life around. And clarity on it would defeat any such assumptions. 

And. It was really getting the intro about being made to face his own patterns and recognizing what he wants/needs as well as the metaphor in the song itself aligning so well with my own state when I listen to the assumptions let them lead me to let him go and the timing of it with my own internal intrusive thought assumption patterns resurfacing that led me to this line of questioning. 

That's what I'm thinking and feeling into right now these recent days. And Mon/Tues with the Pisces moon with Cancer sun so it's really been me feeling all the feelings deep as deep can be, lol. Mostly though, my feelings are a swirl of compassion and love and a feeling that is best wordsed as "hey, you weren't meant to get stuck or stay stuck -- you were meant to choose what brings you greatest joy. If this set of patterns of behavior ain't it for you and these choices won't get you there, then let's try again a different way, love. While there's still time for us to try a different way." And just wanting to give him the biggest hug and to pour all my energy and love and light into him until he's just overflowing with it can't stop grinning or his eyes stop shining. That's the thing I noticed most in both the pictures he chose (both the one for socials and the one on his site) how dimmed and shadowed his soul light is become in those recent pictures he chose.... (Well that and every time I see pictures of him where there's no hint or glimmer of a smile in him and the corners of his mouth are turned down serious weighed down by everything I have the strongest (and absolutely illogical) desire that I want to step into the picture back to the moment he was in and kiss the corners of his mouth until he just can't help smiling despite whatever the weights on him...) I didn't realize how weighed down and dimmed his soul light has grown these recent months of this year. I was still thinking of him as full of excitement as he was about his tour and the filmed version of it telling his story his way and working toward his album release and moving back to a place that felt like home to him -- and with all of that promise and vision and choices for his present/near future how could he not be feeling alive full of joy and hope and optimism? I didn't realize until just this weekend/Monday when I heard the song then read the intro then saw the email/socials/site that vibrantly alive believing in the potential of his own future path wasn't where his heart was at across these months. I didn't know.

Granted I have been a bit withdrawn unreachable the first half of this year while I was dealing with heavy life things between nearly dying totaling my car needing to get a new car and then my cat dying of his chronic kidney disease helping to ease his path and bury him and the hard life path stories of my cousins Shauna and Sabra weighing on my heart strings because they're cousins I love like bonus little sisters.... But I'm sorry I didn't realize the dimmed soul place that he had reached across these months while I was trying to let him go thinking he would be happiest if I did that for him and I needed to focus on what is in my life right now as this modern world destroys itself so the new one can be born. I should have known he was hurting and that heartsick forlorn feeling he could never reach what he wanted for himself stuck in the same patterns.... I'm sorry I didn't see him clearly enough to realize. I had reasons and other things weighing on me keeping my heart in the hollows of grief/mourning where all feelings are dulled, but I still should have known and heard it echoing inside me if I had stopped to listen in my own stillnesses to what was/wasn't coming down the bond. 

But we can do better. And we can be better. And we WILL choose to be better.  You'll see. I won't claim we will be our best versions of ourselves, only that we will choose to be better than we have been.

Anyway, it's late/early and storms are coming in tomorrow afternoon/evening so I'll just stay at work til sunrise (maybe I'll harvest that chamomile I'm growing out back with the herbs once the sun's up actually -- you're supposed to harvest it early in the morning and the rain/hail/wind risk could ruin them) then head home. I have a feeling Concerts on the Square will be rescheduled to tomorrow for the weather, but I won't know til 3pm so I can sleep across the morning/early afternoon still even if the storms aren't so bad up here to make a weather call to reschedule Concerts on the Square for tomorrow.

 

O and also! here are the Astro Poets for this week that came in on Sunday:

"Week of 7/13 in Libra: There are so many lilacs. Sweet and in bloom your knowledge of everything goes faster. You can’t let it matter this time. Write a love note. Be real with the best parts of things."

 "Week of 7/13 in Pisces: Some mind that you can own. But it is yours with a pretty scarf. So you see the final hours of it with a friend. A light that holds a tree. An award that is not for anything but love."

  

P.S. Pre-Dawn Addendum: 

I'm sorry if you needed sooner that last part (the meaty important part after the artsy fluffy lifeness of my life as I've been living.)  I wasn't trying to withhold. It's just.... all my life I've called words my blessing and my curse -- before I ever even looked at my own birth chart discovered my north node (life path goal purpose/meaning within this life) is in Taurus just a few degrees away from my Chiron (wounded healer) just a few degrees away in Gemini  both conjunct in my third house. I either have all the words (and often too many of them struggle to find just the right ones) or I have absolutely no words at all.  And ANY time you touch my heart and I feel things deeply, it takes me time to be able to freeze and trap and distill the massive oceanic emotions into a form I can see holding still long enough to crystallize into a word form. So I know what I'm feeling and if you can feel what i feel or see it in me you can know -- but it will always take time for me to put those big feelings into a crystallized word form that no longer moves and lives the way the raw emotions do. If you're going to reach into my heart make me feel things deeply, you can SEE my reaction or FEEL it if you're energy sensitive (or just aware of my energies/feelings) but I probably wont' have words right away and it will take me time to fit those larger than human sized force of nature feelings into a stilled crystalline word framework that the intellect can understand and I can communicate out of me into word form to hope others can fathom the words and all they can't contain. It's not withholding, I just can't fit all the feelings into words form and the deeper anything generates a deep emotional reaction in me, the more impossible it is for words to contain what I'm feeling inside me before I can even attempt to convey it to another... But also, weirdly enough, it's easier for me to find the shapes the deep feelings hold when the moon is in water or even earth than when it's in air or fire. What was so hard for me to word shape at the weekend started to take shape for me once the moon moved out of Aquarius and into Pisces.....

P. P. S. 5:55 addendum:

Early parts of this mornings sunrise were gloriously linois and bright. And I did get the chamomile harvested! (Many fruits and herbs are best harvested at specific times of day/night -- has to do with best flavor dependent on heat/water oxidative stress of where they are in their daily living cycles. In general, the more sweetness or mildness you want, you will want to do it before sunrise after they are most rested (some before dew point some after) whereas when you want stronger more astringent compounds/ flavors you should harvest after the heat of the sun beating down all day. If you want more watery/juicy harvest after a lot of water/rain whereas if you plan to dry it harvest before watering or during a drier but not drought spell. Technically, I just harvest most of what I grow right before I water (whether I morning or evening water) and I don't bother to only harvest my tomatoes before the sun gets too high because I only cook them or freeze then cook them and so it's less a thing than if people are eating them raw to want the sweeter morning flavors plump with dew. And usually I harvest herbs whenever I need them fresh for what I'm going to soon be cooking or because if I don't harvest them to dry the frosts will kill them. BUT chamomile is one of the herbs/flowers that I will ONLY harvest in the predawn or at sunrise because there's such a marked difference in flavor even from the same plant if I try to midday/afternoon/evening harvest them! There are others that I prefer to only harvest at sunrise or under the moon (many are flowers tbh) but chamomile is the only one in my herb containers that I feel it really matters significantly enough if rather wait extra days than harvest too late in the day 

 

[Post Title: Lyrics to the newest Skerryvore song The Sea That Sings -- it is VERY often stuck in my head and I'll wake up singing it on bright sunshiney mornings ever since they released it in May. They actually released it the day after Spock died which was a very heavy weighing time on my heart but the song and my brain singing it to my has been a thread of brightness through my time in the hollows of grief having this song woven through my summer so far. Also, I'm ALWAYS a sucker for a waltz. Always always. And most people don't hear it right away until I point it out, but this song is a fast down-up-up waltz for most of the song.]