Why do I find it so hard to fight against and instead I listen to the argument that Eric's happiness doesn't include me in it and there's no place for me in his life so the best thing I can do for him is let him go? 

Well. I guess. That's not an easy question for me to answer but I will try. Because I guess from the outside the holes in it are much more obvious than they are to me when I'm caught in the inexorable Charybdis pull of thinking/behaving that way.

I guess the shortest and simplest answer is that real world practical quotidian I'm NOT in his life and never really have been this life. I'm just not a part of his lived experience so far this life and our paths have only ever crossed in and around shows he's played with his band. Even when I've followed him on socials, I rarely interact with him especially since Oct 2018 when I started to overthink and thus I don't even react/like let alone actually reply in any way to what he shares because I don't assume my honesty is wanted/welcomed and I don't see a point in saying anything if I'm not going to speak my truth or if speaking my truth might get me punished and ostracized. I replied to some to his songs and I was going to for his video concert thing, but I stopped myself even from that any time I've seen comments from his sister there.  So I'm just not actively in his lived experiences of his life path past or present. And given the real world isness of our lives as we have been living them, it would take big hubris in me to tell myself that I'm something he's been missing and looking for when there's nothing concrete real to base that on. Sure I've been tied into his inner life and his dreaming space and whatever gifts he has activated in him this life. (spoiler alert: spending time with me tends to catalyze the (re)awakening of dormant gifts. Its not an active thing I consciously do, it just happens around me, especially the more time people spend with me and the closer we get.)  But I don't know how deeply or to what extent that's true for him or how much of it he knows/remembers in his waking life, only that it's true from my end of the bond and he can reach me energetically and in dreams whenever he truly wants to find me. But that's not something that has ever yet translated into physical lived real life choices or life paths. Occam's Razor would say it never has because it was never wanted or pursued. There's been a lot of reasons for it, but no pull of the bond or memories of his dreams ever stopped him from dating other women falling in love with them believing they could be the one for him -- which to me seems to indicate neither the dreams nor the pull of the bond could have touched him that deeply for him to truly believe that about other women, y'know? Like, I've dated other men but always knowing they weren't him and weren't who I was looking for, they were there to pass the time while I was waiting for him and for me to test myself make sure I wanted what I wanted. I never once even for a moment considered they might be the one for me that I'd been seeking no matter how intense the physical attraction or how great they were or how much I could love them for what they were and who they were growing to be even while knowing they were not for me what I was seeking for myself. 

So there's the practical argument about reality as it is and the very real choices and statements he has made over the years. And the first and third times I put the bond to sleep told myself to let him go WERE in reaction to him being with someone else feeling intensely enough to send me overlays and/or him stating outright that he seemed to be convinced he'd found the love of his life. They were very clearly a reaction to his choices for himself that I pulled away and closed down the bond as best I (or allies) could so we didn't reach and bleed into each other.

And some of it is past life -- in past lives when given the choice he HAS chosen what family/loyalty to a liege lord demanded of him rather than choosing me. That's a choice he started making in the 1400s and hadn't stopped making last I saw him in the 1800s before we crossed paths again briefly in the 1960s in the sunset of his life and before my death (he'd had me die young three times across the course of that life... And due to an ancient promise, we always come to say goodbye once we die before moving on into the process of assimilating the lessons of a life and deciding to remain in the cycle of souls or not.) So there's a lot of learned patterns of assumptions in me to believe that he will choose something other than me based on choices he made across multiple past lives -- and that I will have to accept his choice and create my own life path (or death path) without him from the place of accepting that.  But the point of multiple lives is the lessons to be learned and unlearned across them and just because he's made that choice before doesn't necessarily mean he is this life -- it just means I have learned engrained habits around accepting he has made that choice and what I do when/if he does. 

Another part of it is rooted in the choices the girls made in 2018. Whatever their reasons for those choices to block me, they ARE core central parts of his life -- they are his sister, his band, and one of his closest friends. To be blocked from those existing to me and ostracized that I am neither welcomed or wanted in those spaces of his life was a pretty devastating blow that made a tangible argument I am not welcome and there is no place for me in core aspects of his life. That's what led me to my conclusions to dam up the bond for the second time and it's only because his force of will insistence the band is OURS not MINE was stronger that I gave in and stopped that attempt. But just because the bond is ours not mine doesn't mean there's a place for me in his life. Coming to that understanding didn't change anything about what triggered and motivated me to assume that and do what I did for the remainder of 2018 and the start of 2019.... In summer/autumn of 2019 when they left the label went indie, I foolishly hoped that meant that if the reasons for blocking me were label difficulty related and my honesty making that harder, that as an independent band things could be healed so I at last was no longer ostracized from central pillars of his life. And in that spirit of optimism and faith that engaging in honest communication could fix this, I came back to a lot of shows that summer (the Stevens Point show memories recently came up on my phone) and one last in the fall to see what I saw in person about my welcome and I joined the Kickstarter gave them my money believing in the goodness of who the band claimed to be....and I also tried to clear things up and reached out trying to heal things or at least talk about it. I tried publicly and privately via every method of communication I could think of other than dming Ian or Mike or Grant (who had nothing to do with anything the girls did and never did anything to feed the sense of ostracism due to the blocking on Instagram and i saw no reasons to expect they would really care about the she said-she said of it all making me leave as a fan) and I never got any response back from anyone in the band. I did get attacked and victim blamed by FANS of the band to my public attempts or my personal posts/replies about not going to shows from friends who I introduced to the music AND the band account liked and reacted to those victim blaming attack replies from other fans meaning someone on the band accounts saw my attempts to talk about things and chose silence/ghosting and allowing/encouraging their fans to behave as a queen bee clique where they victim blamed attack for the band. There was only one reply from a place of compassion not victim blaming, and it was from a cousin of the Holljes' saying there must be some mistake because nobody in the band would ever have behaved that way and Britt would make it right if I brought it to her attention. It was sweet of her and it made me smile, but clearly misguided given that Britt didn't even acknowledge when her cousin tagged her on fb about it and Britt was the insta account that had blocked me then under 24 hours later me being blocked on the official band account is what started this. It was other people getting involved saying it must be my own fault and I must have deserved it that is why friends of mine and especially Mikaela declared the band dead to them. And it was after that I came to the conclusion that nobody but me cared about it wanted to heal make things right or even talk about it and communicate so I decided to take the path of accepting rejection as protection and choosing to give them exactly what they asked for -- to the best of my abilities Liz, Britt, and Delta Rae as a band/collective would no longer exist to me and if I was reminded of them I would do what was best etiquette politesse for the moment and as soon as the situation was past return them to their desired state of non-existence to me. And this is how it still is and how it will continue to be as long as their stated desire via actions and communication (or lack thereof) is that they not exist to me. It really doesn't ever affect me now EXCEPT in the context of my ostracism from those accounts that are three central parts of his life being heavy weighted reasons/proofs that there is no welcome for me and no place in his life given how central they are to his life. It's an irrefutable factual evidence based argument that I'm not welcome in his life and it's stronger than any logic or intuitive based arguments that maybe he desires me needs me just as intensely as I do him. And whenever I'm reminded of how close he is with his sister or how important his band is to him or he shares things I can't see on his insta because they're from one of those three insta accounts, it reinforces and makes stronger inside me the belief that there's no place for me in his life or among the most important parts of it that creates his happiness. 

I can fight against the argument that I've not been part of his life thus far with the counter argument that what hasn't happened YET doesn't limit what could still happen in the future. And his choices across time defeated the arguments that those women he fell head over heels in love with are who he believes to be the one for him. And past lives choices/values aren't ever indicative of present or future life choices/values. But how can I hold any sort of counterpoint against the argument there's no welcome and no place for me in his life given I'm unwelcome and actively ostracized from his sister, his band, and one of his closest friends? Where am I supposed to see any possibility or hope for me belonging in his life when I'm not wanted not allowed to be included in three things that are of core importance to him and his life? 

And that's where I always fall prey to the argument that since I want him to be happy, the best thing I can do for him to have that is letting him go. 

Not from a change in my desires or from anything he has ever said telling me that's what he wants would choose for his life at this point... It comes from me wanting him to be happy and recognizing that I'm not welcome in three core people/collectives/aspects of his life and concluding that there's therefore no place for me in his life so the best thing I can do for his happiness is to make me push him away let him go. 

I won't ask if that makes sense, because I recognize there's some big gaps and assumptions in that conclusion, especially given that every time I listen to it he gets stuck in depression and hopelessness no matter if he's in another relationship or not -- and that should be evidence enough that somehow his happiness REGARDLESS anyone else's choices requires the flow of the bond and at least the hope of me in his life.... It isn't expected to make sense like a logical hypothesis conclusion of scientific or philosophical experiment/argument. I'm just trying to explain how it is that I get trapped in believing the assumptions and rationalizing that it's for his greatest good and his happiness that I need to deny my own desires and the pull of the bond instead make me let him go. 

I could dismantle it if there wasn't concrete evidence that I'm not welcome in core aspects of his life.... But I don't expect that to change, I've given up trying to initiate that change or open communication about it because I got burned enough times trying back in 2019 and early 2020. That's why I didn't say that healing that is what I need to counter this toxic behavior pattern -- because I don't expect it to change and the root causes of it aren't within my choices or his choices to fix anyway. 

 But if I had clarity and knew what HE truly needs for his happiness and what he would choose if he could choose anything, knowledge of his truth from him would be weapon enough against the argument, "don't you want him to be happy? How can he be happy when tied to someone who has no place in core parts of his life? Let him go if you want him to be happy."

I don't know what else would.... There might be other things that could help me in shutting down this assumption based rationalizing and denying it before I get caught in the web of it can't fight my own way out. But I don't know what they might be other than taking away the argument by healing what it's rooted in or me having clarity from him of what he desires/needs/chooses for his own happiness.  I no longer expect or hope for the first one and I have no idea how I could get the second.... But both of those would defang the argument that drives that reactive down spiralling in me distancing myself from him trying to let him go and giving him up for this lifetime accepting this isn't meant to be a reunion life for us after all....

That's why/how I end up listening to that type of argument from assumptions that lead me to the stoic martyring decision to deny my own desires/choices in the name of his supposed happiness he's choosing for himself. 

It's a mess when I get to thinking/behaving that way, isn't it? But it's never born from anything I want for myself or from any place of trying to hurt him - it always comes from the argument based on assumptions that somehow the bond to me with me holding hope for reunion this life is unwanted and active impediment to him having the happiness he would choose for his life.  It doesn't mean I'm right when I'm acting/believing that way, but it is what's going on inside me when it happens and why I find that argument based on assumptions compelling enough to be treated as best thing I can do for him.

It sounds really stupid, even to me, when I lay it out in words like this.... But it doesn't take much for it to feel real and like a good argument to me -- sometimes all it takes is the sharing about a new band single or something about how much he loves his sister she's central in his life or him saying something I interpret as him saying he wanted/wants someone else not me in his life for this all to come rising back up from the dead in a whirlpool of assumptions/conclusions that drags me back into accepting/believing/acting on it stronger than ever.... 

And I'm sorry for any/all the pain that gets created when it happens...that's not anything I ever wanted. When I'm thinking that way I can't fight my way out of it, I've nothing steady and true enough to use against it.... It's terrible for me as well being caught in it and believing it that way... How could it be anything but terrible to tell yourself you need to give up the one thing you selfishly want because there's no place for you in his life as it's built and you do want his happiness more than you want him to be yours?.... It hurts. It always hurts. Nothing good ever comes to me from that way of thinking/acting. It's even worse when I realize he was as hurt and reactive pulling into himself as I felt -- because then even if I immediately stop my behaviors and flood the bond with love/reassurance that I'm still here still desire and love him, I also have the guilt of my actions causing hurt to him (even if self inflicted it was a reflection of my choices) and creating exactly the opposite of my goal which is for him to have in his life whatever greatest happiness it is he desires and chooses for himself... Even though I don't actually know what that happiness looks like for him or what it would require as integral to anything he would choose or want for himself. 

It's a mess. I know. But also, I do believe it can be untangled made right by honesty to oneself and to each other. I do believe that honest communication coupled with a genuine desire to find a better way is the key to unlocking different ways of being for both of us. 

Which is why right now, I'm just trying to be honest about how/why I come to believe it and act on it these recent year and why it's so powerful and argument with me. Because maybe if I can be honest enough, I can find one of the two ways to defeat the argument before it gains strength or someone with a more objective vantage than me can find a course for both Eric and I not to get stuck in reflecting thai same set of toxic patterns between us that cause/result in pulling away from each other accepting that we can't be together have reunion this life..... 

Getting close to sunrise now. Rather dark grey cloudy dreary out there this morning though -- but air quality is the best it's been in ages and there's still time for the sun to break through the clouds. And if not today, it will some other sunrise. Eventually, the sun always breaks out again in all its glory no matter what gets in the way obscuring it. I'm going to go back to reading some more, but after true sunrise is past, I should consider getting some sleep if I get tired enough to want a lay down -- I have evening plans to meet up with Crissy downtown for Concerts on the Square (rain rescheduled due to the storms and tornado risks yesterday afternoon/evening.) no book happy hour at Leopold's though because it's Thurs not Weds. I could still book shop (I drive directly past three headed there and Lake Street Books is right nearby Concerts for me to conveniently park near if I want to be bad and ignore all budgeting concerns) but without the excuse/reward of prosecco for every book I buy, it's just budget breaking giving into temptation without any redeeming rationalizations for it.