O right yeah. I had another "I should be dead" story over the weekend. Ye're not quit of me yet in this life, but that one was... necessary but a lot. Hit a deer on the way back from seeing Onoir on Sat. (Tornado and sheer winds tried to take me out coming back from seeing them on Fri night right around Elgin after the blood moon eclipse that morning. yeah, I realize, I've always said my fatelines are limited if I get too serious consdiering elsewhere or off the fatelines meant for me.)  But the deer around quarter to 1 early on Sunday morning.... I ain't never hit a deer before. Me and my passenger are fine, no injuries at all, but that can't be said for my car or the stag who sacrificed himself for me. It's fine, or fine as it can be. We were as safe as we could possibly be (VERY cis white privilege damsel in distress though) with the sheriff deputy and the towing guy he called when AAA was going to be hours -- ended up keyed in allowed to hang out at the closed and locked sheriff's department with nobody around but us because the deputy had other calls he had to get to but he wanted us somewhere safe until a ride back to Madison could come pick us up, somewhere where there was heat and bathrooms and vending machines and thirsty plants for me to water. Never have I ever...ridden in the back of a sheriff deputy's car (no cuffs though.).... Never have I ever called my parents to ask my da if he could come pick up me and my bestie at the sheriff's office the next county over at 3am.... Insurance is totaling the car. Getting more money for it than I probably could have sold it for. I have a rental car for a week and access to work cars until I get a car for myself sorted. (Probably the black work Prius, after it gets looked over by Ben at Wrench.) When I went to go get my plates and everything out of the Scion today, I bagged to keep the deer fur stuck in the hood still. I don't know what I plan to do with it, but I wanted to have it and keep it. I was more emotional saying farewell to my Scion than when the incident happened hitting the deer who suddenly appeared in front of me sacrificed himself....

Anyway. I could tell it better, maybe at some point I will at least copy/paste what I posted on fb about it. I'm a bit tired tonight on the equinox -- busy busy day and I don't feel like wordsing. Um, here have some pictures before this week's Astro Poets at the end. The first one are from on the tow truck the night it happened -- I definitely cussed in front of a sheriff's deputy once I got out of the car to see how bad it was once he was there with his lights to make it safer. (I had been smelling for gas and listening for any drips after i got the car to a stop and the MAJOR grinding of the gears to get the engine form drive to park once the car was on the side of the highway....) And then some from today seeing the damage for the first (and last) time during daylight hours.

 

 

 

 Yeah, I can tell this story better, and I have. Maybe later I'll come back tell it better here. I'm just still in the stage of recovering from having so many of my fatelines truncated by a near death event where I didn't survive on most of the fatelines... Some what was further down the highway was even worse than the buck who sacrificed himself for me. (He flipped over the car and landed all the way over in the median when the other deputy found him to make sure he was clear of the highway and dead not suffering.)  But I just don't feel like it right now. It's been another long day with equinox cocktail hangouts going till quarter to 11 (after soooo many days or long days with too much adulting since I last saw Diarmaid and all the Onoir lads got hugs from them and promised they'll find a way for me to see them all again soon.) I can tell the story of me killing the stag who sacrificed himself for me, I just don't really have enough wordsing tonight to do it proper.

Fucking blood moon eclipse opening the fated events eclipse portal that's perfectly bracketing the equinox... 

But anyway. not dead yet. Should be, but not. You haven't run out of opportunities and needing to deal with me in this body in this life. Not yet.  Almost did. But the stag was a messenger/sacrifice sent to me right there for my protection from Cernunnos and it was fated time for my car to give up the ghost and for me to move on to the black Prius....

 I also haven't watched the videos or done anything for my trainings yet for the April Fool's Day Spring election (I will be working 6a-close for it. At one of the largest polling places on the west side again. Also will need to go vote at the library once in person absentee opens.)  Been a bit busy of a last couple weeks between shows and all the rest of everything... Deer Lord, just a bit busy, lol.

Looking forward to a weekend with no plans and no have tos  and nothing in the calendar (other than getting hours in and anything/everything to deal with the car situation moving forward) until next week Weds. for Shamrock Tenors at Overture Hall.

~*~*~*~

"Week of 3/16 in Libra: Everything begins. Endlessly waiting it sees itself with power. You have known the strength. That’s already what you wanted. To love with this type of force."

"Week of 3/16 in Pisces: A friend is what you wanted. That is what you got in these days. And yet if you saw in the self you wouldn’t find it all. So you saw the opening. So you dreamt of real light that is beautiful."

 Hi hi! Miss me yet? (It's ok if you didn't, it's a rhetorical question.We can pretend you did, even if you hadn't noticed the recent quiet from me here compared to how wordsy I was last week or so, lol.)

Got an email this morning that I don't have my extra shift of svd tomorrow after all since the first group got every registered voter at All Saints voted and so there's no need for a second visit. So I'm sitting here writing a little while waiting outside today's svd assignment retirement home before heading in (I was courier yesterday and today, which means visiting the clerk's office downtown to pick up and drop off everything needed for us to do the svd absentee ballots at the permanent care facilities. We're supposed to pick them up a half hour to hour before those assigned to the facility meet there so we have time for signing out and driving over. So I'm sitting in my car listening to the radio and writing for a bit before I head inside.

I'm definitely looking forward to not having tomorrow's assignment because it means I can work late tonight to get hours in and sleep in tomorrow without cheating by flexing my timelines quite so tight as I was to try to get full REM cycles without having to use as much time by the clock as my experiential time. (even without my habit of ADHD fidget stim playing with time and intentionally slinkie it to make everything fit sometimes. That's one of the ways to think of the speed or forward propagation of time as most people experience it. I normally describe it as spherical, though more accurately time is spherical for each dimension of space it's woven through, so if you think of space as occupying three dimensions on our plane, than the spherical nature of time is a nine dimensional sphere but that's not a concept I can translate for most people to understand conceptually what nine dimensional time would mean for how I experience time, so saying "time plane is like a rotating sphere where the speed of the rotation is what most people consider the linear flow of time, but it not linear at all because it's a speed of rotation created by the play of those nine dimensional sphere forces and now you're just confused aren't you?" Anyway, if you think of that rotational speed as the measurable nows moving out the way that rotational speed moves along is shaped more like a slinkie than a teleological straight one dimensional line arrow, that might also help as a metaphor of it. So graphing it out, time itself is a wave form propagation (what has an energy component and isn't propagating as a wave form propagation at the 3d level though? I'll wait for an answer, because I can't think of anything...) BUT humans measure that wave form like photons of concrete units of time. Following? So when I fidget and play with space time so I don't physically fidget to annoy people or to try to fit everything in or to linger longer in the beautiful moments or because I have to fold up space time while driving to avoid the collision of cars while driving highway speeds or to make up for me playing with time earlier/later, it's like elongating or shrinking the slinkier propagation of time's rotational speed -- those measuring the photon quanta of each time the wave hits the midpoint still count the same amount of time passing BUT those along for the experiential wave propagation of time moving through space feel the arc of the curves to be longer or shorter depending on how elongated or shortened the slinkie is. So when I mess around with flow of time, whether intentionally or just as my more adult version of tapping on everything or jiggling my leg constantly or playing with my hair, what I'm doing with my gifts can be thought of either as me speeding up/slowing down that rotation of the sphere OR as me pulling out longer or compressing the spiral slinkier form of propagating wave that is time unfolding forward. Also, like a slinkie, there's a natural speed/wave form rate that it wants to return to, so any time I stretch or compress it, I have to equalize it out with a comparable compression/stretch so the average between them remains what most people consider the normal flow of time. And I tend to keep my fidgeting and playing pretty localized to an area right around me that contains everything/everyone I'm carrying along at my shifted slinkie-ing -- largest I've ever tried to hold in my time bubble displacements is everyone at a venue or the stage at a fest I'm at... I could probably hold a larger space than that in my elongated/compressed time bubble, but I've never had a reason to even try. When driving/flying/traveling, it's just outside the size of my car/vehicle unless I need to extend it to stop a bad accident from occurring in my near proximity before it happens and at shows it's a better experience for everyone if I include the entire venue and everyone in it not just me and the musicians so everyone gets to experience an extra long concert with the songs at proper seeming tempo and no idea how they fit so many extra songs in by the clock, lol. (I'm selfish when I do that, sure, but not enough to ruin the experience for others just so I can have a longer set than the original set list and allotted stage time should allow for. Also if I don't like an artist, I'm very guilty of doing the opposite speeding up the rotation so they fit fewer songs in so I can be done with enduring the experience that much sooner, lol. Sorry not sorry. Not sorry at all. You'd do it too if you perceived time the way I do and had the gifts to bend the flow of time, you know you would. Obviously this is just me trying to explain in a science based way to understand the way I naturally perceive time, but it's not at all an explanation of HOW I do it -- because how I perceive time and how I play with it with my gifts is even harder to explain to people with other types of perception than me trying to explain my experience of music with my color-timbre synesthesia to those who don't experience it and don't have the science background to understand about micro-oscillations on propagating soundwaves that create the ISNESS of timbre, what makes the same note on a piano sound different from the same note on a guitar from the same note on a flute... The other interesting thing you should know about my relationship to time is that there's a very quantum like aspect to my perception of it which is much like the observations humans can make of electrons and other subatomic particles in that, I can either know the speed at which it's moving or the precise point I'm in it but the more precisely I know one, the less precisely I can know the other. I TEND to naturally have significantly more awareness of the speed of time's rotational movement than most people ever experience which is part of why i tend to be rather imprecise about location -- but I can be exceedingly precise about either if I need to be, the expense is just that I lose detail/context for the other aspect of it. This has me wondering if the Heisenberg uncertainty principle actually has to do more with how electrons navigate the 9 dimensional sphere of time within the confines of the distance it can travel from the nucleus due to the different forces that hold the atom together/pull it apart.  And it also makes me wonder if you could use polarity to actually alter or navigate or change or get images of the shape of the propagating movement of time's rotation -- but I've never read any studies on it and I don't think we currently have ways of measuring the 9 dimensional sphere of time's planes compared to the mere three dimensions of space. But anyway, my point was simply that, I absolutely will stretch the slinkie speed of time's rotation so if I only have enough clock time for 4 hours of sleep, I can compress 8 hours of experiential time within it so I can get my full double REM cycle -- and I just make up for it by having 4 hours that disappear ridiculously fast with little getting done in them at some other point. But I'm looking forward to getting 8 hours of sleep without me fidgeting with time to elongate/compress the speed of time's rotation to get enough rest for my body when I'm doing too much.  And no, I've never met anyone who perceives time the way I intuitively always have, not even among my family members who have time related gifts to a lesser extent then me -- I've discussed the way I perceive time with a lot of physicists who are fascinated by it and tell me they can't break it as a theory but they also can't math it even with the current concepts of string theory. I was once on a date at a museum and this casually came up when I said that something reminded me of time and he asked what I mean and so I explained a very dumbed down version of how I perceive time after which a woman at a nearby piece (who turned out to be an incredibly famous well known physicist trying to unite string theory with quantum mechanics and general relativity as a workable elegant grand unifying theory) stopped me and said, "excuse me, could you say that again?" then she asked if she cold pick my brain over this concept and we spent a very long time discussing it on a bench in the middle of the exhibits and she took a ton of notes and asked if I wanted mentions or anything and I laughed told her I hadn't even finished my undergrad and only had third year calc and second year physics so neither of us would get much beyond honesty listing me in the citations. We kept in contact for a long time, and she couldn't find a way to break my explanation of how I perceive it with any of the experimental data that anyone discovered but she ended up passing away before she could figure out the math to explain my perception of time to find her unifying theory.... Also, that guy I was on that date with was so miffed about it and very rudely said he had no interest in the discussion when I invited him to join us and he didn't even like art had brought us there for the date because I do and then eventually told me he was leaving going home if I was more interested in talking to some stranger professor lady than him. And I sweetly smiled at him told him, "If you're bored and don't even like art museums, than you should go home. Thanks for bringing me here today! I do like art museums and have had an absolutely amazing time."  He never asked me out on a second date and sat across the room from me the rest of the semester of the class we were both in. Thankfully, it was a very large lecture so it was easy to not interact if that was his takeaway and choice, lol.) 

Ack!! gotta go inside now, it's already 12:50 (1p start time) 

~*~*~*~

This is evening time Dani writing now, not afternoon Dani. 

Right. So. Forget what I said about all that. I mean, not my digression (that even I'm not sure how/why I went down that side path) about how I perceive time, that just is part of my ISNESS and sensory perceptions and gifts this life -- I can't fathom the more simplistic linear one dimensional perceiving way that most people  experience time any more than I can fathom what it would be like to experience music without simultaneously perceiving color/texture/light qualities based on the timbres within the music... I can't imagine the "flat" or "normal" way most people perceive these things because it's so incompatible with my own ways of perceiving time and music.... (Music actually is the one thing that drags me most fully into the present moment of knowing the precise location of each moment as it passes rather than being aware of the speed of it's rotation. The only way I can not be late for things without constant clock watching or having large chunks of time disappear off the clock while I'm in flow state is by having music playing. Music and my dancer-trained inner metronome are the ONLY things that helps me regulate passage of time in the normal human way to realize when it is without having to consciously check in on the location I'm in to find the time stamp. When I have to regulate my life by clock and calendar and not be late for things, I ALWAYS have music playing or put on headphones -- and as unseated in time as I am NOW, I'd be way worse if I didn't always have songs and melodies play inside my head to keep me somewhat tethered to the photon like linear passage of countable quanta moments. ) Anyway, I'm not walking back explaining how I perceive time , even though it's a bit more complicated physics than most people can get, it's definitely the level of the conversation when I talk physics related things with my da, my sister, my brother-in-law, my Uncle Jomi, and my cousins Dylan and Vincent.

What I was saying is no longer true is that I DO have SVD assignment again tomorrow before heading to Milwaukee for the Socks in the Frying Pan concert at Shank Hall.  (I know I know. First I didn't, then I did, then I didn't, and now I do have an assignment for Wednesday, lol.)  Basically, it remains true that the team on Monday (weirdly, two of the four of them were on my team today at Oak park Place of Nakoma) got all 30-some voters done at All Saints with the assistance of the super awesome activities director there BUT there was a rather serious misprint on the ballots which wasn't discovered until today at the clerk's office. So at 1:51pm, while I was chatting with my fellow svd workers right before we could officially start the absentee voting process (you have to treat it like opening a poll place and be available for the entire posted time to any resident of the long term care facility who wishes to vote absentee with us), another email was sent out to all 4 of us explaining about it and that we WERE very much needed for Weds as originally scheduled since we would have to try to get as many of those 30-some voters to vote again on the corrected ballots and anyone who we couldn't get voted on Weds would receive their normal absentee ballots in the mail.

I'll still get to sleep in a little bit, that shift starts at 12:30pm and it's nearby but I will still have to drop off the dog and get there so will need to leave home between 11:30 and noon. BUT, that's still not as much sleeping in and slow morning introvert time having to leave between 11:30 and noon as the amount I could have had if I didn't have to leave to go drop the dog off until Crissy 's end of day in her  work calendar at 3. Because then we can drive to Milwaukee earlier, before evening commuter traffic, and have time for dinner without feeling rushed for 7pm doors gen ad show and meeting up with friends there.  *yawns* So, we'll see how late I end up staying at work tonight now, given I have to get up and make some food and coffee and plan to leave home before midday rather than midafternoon.

At least my hair has been SUPER curly looks like wash day or second day curls even though it was washed last Thurs. (Curls can't generally be shampooed too often or they turn into impossible first year Hermione frizz monsters.) Which is good because ain't no way I'll be wanting to get up early enough tomorrow to shower and give my hair the hours it needs to dry before going to svd and then Milwaukee and coming back from MKE late. I'll probably wash my hair on Friday before heading to Chicago for the Onoir show because I don't have anything earlier in the day other than the driving down (and figuring out how bad the Friday/Saturday major storm system will be up here. Full disclosure, I've been weather witching that bomb cyclone south so I can safely get to Chicago and back and not have to worry about the tornadoes this massive system is going to spawn.)  My hair does go through cycles of different colors/textures, and the natural cycle of it is about 7 years BUT my hair also gets super dark and straight no matter what I do when  I'm sick or my emotions are heavy in grieving/mourning whereas the more chi/energy/aliveness/magic I'm full of the curlier my hair gets nomatter what texture it starts out.

But like, this is the level of curl beast curliness I'm dealing with this week with Thursday as wash day even with me sleeping on it (I can't sleep wearing any of the protective things for curls, I pull off the scarves/bonnets and yank it out of pineapple-ing and unbraid my hair if I try and just wake up with my hair loose and unbound so I've stopped trying -- so when I talk about sleeping on the curls I don't mean protecting the curls sleep, I mean leaving them unbound and sleeping on them and messing up my own curl pattern because sleeping me cna't stand to have my hair constrained) and finger combing but no new products or soaking my hair to refresh/reset the curls...

 Thursday after it was washed and dried:

 Saturday (after getting home from dinner at Monsoon Siam then the Gaelic Storm show):

 Then Monday after courier/svd and working:

 And then this today (after taking my contacts out tog give my eyes a longer rest even if not the rest of my body before putting the contacts back in tomorrow -- my prescription is strong enough that I don't like driving anywhere with changing lanes while wearing glasses that have all my peripheral vision blurry instead of wearing my contacts for driving anywhere that involves multiple lanes.  Also, my eyes were so INTENSELY beautiful sea colored aquamarine matched my sweater!! I was getting compliments about it all day and getting asked, "Wait, is that your natural eye color? What color IS that?!" even more than my usual) :

 And yes, I realize I look VERY different day to day or even moment to moment... Though this week I've mostly been channeling the versions of me in Greek and French past lives. I am a bit of a chameleon, especially when I'm connecting strongly with past versions of myself in other lifetimes, and quite literally, everyone who has ever known me with long hair can't recognize me when I chop my hair off and vice versa. My hair grows ridiculously fast though, as in it's normal for my hair to grow anywhere from 1-2.5" per week (currently, if you pull the curls straight, they reach past my bra strap) so I never fuss much if a stylist tells me they have to cut off quite a bit of length due to damage (fine curly hair like mine is the most easily damaged type of hair there is) because it will grow back quickly -- and it's also why I have cut my own bangs for a Halloween costume and just chop it off at the nape of my neck myself to bury the braid with a dead beloved (I will do that for Spock just as I did for Audrey Pupburn) then go in to have a stylist fix it up and put in long layers for curly hair that will grow out nicely with low maintenance. Most of my life though, I TEND to just let it be long curls because shorter haircuts require soooo much more maintenance going in every 2.5-5 weeks to get it re-cut again due to how much it grew out -- and that includes a weekly bang cut even when I've had bangs in the past. I'm just not that into level of monetary or time commitment to a hair style....

 Also. I was last night year's old when I remembered that the new season of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver was back on and binge watched all 4 episodes of the whole season so far while working!!! It was absolutely delightful!!! John Oliver is be far my favorite "if you're going to tell people the truth, make them laugh or they will kill you" comedians talking about the real world news cycles "laugh so you don't cry" shit shows.

 This time I DO mean it though about not expecting to hear from me here, because in addition to a third day in a row of svd tomorrow and trying to fit in the remainder of my 13 hours of my 40hr work week across tonight (after 4:50pm when I got back from svd) and Thurs after the Lunasa show, then starting tomorrow I have concert plans of some sort (including symphony on Sunday) for six of the next seven days and 4 of them me driving out of town (Milwaukee, Chicago, Cedar Falls Iowa, back to Milwaukee) coming back home each night. So the likelihood of me having spare time/energy to get introspective and write anything here is gonna be pretty low for the next week... It's not personal, but even with me tesseracting and folding space/time and playing with the speed of the flow of time, I do still have limits on my time/energy to stay within (I don't KNOW what would happen to me elongating/compressing the slinkie progression of time if I left too much tension/pressure for too long overstretched or overcompressed -- wouldn't want to accidentally break the spring of time... That isn't something I could fix, maybe not even with angelic assistance, lol.) AND, on top of that, we've got a lunar eclipse followed almost immediately by Mercury going retrograde and all the "fated events" and all the difficulties of technology/travel/plans of those events happening even without them happening nearly simultaneously. AND the equinox is landing pretty much right in the center between the full blood moon lunar eclipse and partial solar eclipse.

Also, for the last week, I have had the most random new to me melodies floating about in my head and as my random ditties of singing whatever I'm doing or just feel like singing. (I've always done this, but I don't hold on to them, I just let them go whenever I've heard what they have to tell me and the earworm lets go of me, lol.) But some of these I've really enjoyed and I can't place what other songs I was riffing on or building from for some of these....  My doggo has very much been appreciating them, but I highly doubt anyone else has noticed. Most people who know me know they should expect to get earwormed with random ditties I just start randomly singing. But as the one who always is hearing them inside myself and singing them, these are new ones.

O and also!!!!! The Astro Poets for this week came in on Sunday!!! And they're such lovely horoscopes!!! They both just make me grin so big every time I (re)read them!!! They just give me that warm heart glow "d'awwwww!" with how beautiful and perfect they are!

Astro Poets:

"Week of 3/9 in Libra: You can celebrate now. You can begin with ribbons and parties always. But now there is a book. A book you will write. Let your spirit flow into that."

"Week of 3/9 in Pisces: There is a peace to it. These days and nights. You are filled with pure love. Let that be everything that you know. If it matters it will matter again."

 Ehrm, sorry about yesterday. I was in a mood and I recognized it but also it was what I was feeling. It was the news about the Supreme Court decision about dumping raw sewage into waterways that put me over the edge into the morbs because I realized we now have to add risk of cholera and dysentery (boil your water before consuming it; even if you like cold water, boil your water then put it into pitchers or mason jars in the fridge; it won't kill everything, but boiling will kill most water born diseases due to sewage/fecal contaminants upstream) back into the column of "horrific diseases/bacteria that used to be deadly plagues but modern science has all but eradicated in the civilized world but are now back and deadly as ever in the US due to complete idiots ruining everything." And then I was thinking about how indiscriminately randomized deadly diseases are and all of the nearly eradicated now heading toward publicly endemic (specifically drug resistant TB and measles and syphilis in the south) already back at large, and thinking through all the easily added to the list of ones that aren't yet back in play in the US but soon will be without an effective CDC. (Both leprosy and bubonic plague have animal reservoirs in the US in armadillo and prairie dogs populations and only vigilance from the CDC have kept in check the spread from humans getting it from them. Also lots of research labs in US have smallpox for research even though it's eradicated in the world outside of labs and given the NIH and CDC firings/freezes, the people in charge of deadly disease research may no longer be the best qualified for it...and all three of those are horrific beyond anything modern people know or remember unless they lived through the past waves of them.) And from there being mentally in that dark place there even the spark of joy in the flood of his love pouring in the third eye down the bond somehow got twisted round to being upset over when it's gone again and feeling that loss would be inevitable because the world is set to chaos mode right now so why should I expect I'd get to keep the one brightest light of my year so far? I also recognized even in the midst of all the feelings that my mood was probably in large part because living with ADHD is like parenting your own inner toddler and whenever you're feeling overwhelmingly some sort of negative way, you should self reflect check in "when did I last sleep?" and "what have I eaten recently?" Because a lot of the time your time blindness has you not on regular schedules unless you're conforming for other people's schedules and your body just needs some rest and some fuel -- a nap and/or a snack does wonders to improve your mood and a full set of sleep cycles and a proper meal is an absolute miracle! 

After the snow stopped, I went to bed super early (or late depending on how you look at it given I hadn't slept at all the night before had been up for like 30+ hours straight) right after the sunset and then after I got up, I took the dog outside then made that curry I was talking about doing to cook up the fresh mushrooms and green beans in the fridge before they went bad. (Also some fresh onion, frozen shredded carrots, some of my frozen death peppers from last summer (a Carolina reaper and two habaneros), frozen tomatoes from last summer (every summer I have the best intentions to dry or make sauce from my excess tomatoes and peppers, but my plants are always excessively prolific and life is distracting so into the freezer they tend to go; the tomatoes cook into mush after freezing them but the nutrients are all still there and they're great for flavor bulking out curry/chili/soup/pasta/rice dishes as long as you don't want fresh tomato textures.)) 

After sleeping and eating, I was much more myself and I felt bad about those doubts voiced in the last post.... I mean, I don't have any reasons to have gone from so happy about the love pouring in the bond to sad how the absence of it will feel when I lose it -- I don't actually even have reasons to suspect that I will lose it this time or have to give it up. Like, there's actually far more evidence to believe this time is different than to think the old cycles will repeat again. I just went all on my own because my head was momentarily pessimistic from enjoying it being happy about it to sudden anxiety overthinking about how it will hurt to lose it be without it again and then couldn't shake the sad of that thought. And I do know that, really I do. At least, my better versions of myself do. I can't promise never to get myself twisted around in the morbs and melancholy again, but I can promise to try to do my self care checkin for sleeping/eating before letting it go too far or acting out on the fears/doubts of that way of thinking. 

I'm sorry. Truly I am. I needed sleep and food to help me get things back in perspective. After having both of them and a shower, I'm a much better version of myself. Also, I have coffee. And today I'm just happy basking in the love and strength in the bond and rejoicing it IS and sending back as much love back to him as strongly as I can because however he feels the bond, the reassurance of that has to calm and anchor him at least a little the way it does me -- and promising myself to appreciate it for as long as I have it. (And to hold onto the hope that I get to have it for a very very long time, lol.) 

Family news from earlier this week is a bit of a mixed bag: Uncle Jomi had Aunt Judi help write his last caring bridge post on Sunday and it sounds like they will be lucky if  he is still alive when Dylan and Vincent come home to see him at the weekend. Shauna is stage 2A with her triple negative breast cancer and she has decided not to go down without a fight is starting chemo next week. It's aggressively growing, but 2A is much better than she and her family had feared. 

Okay, I'm going to drink my coffee and read for a bit. Before I head out I will have to run a little laundry because last night Spock got me out of bed from my sleeping in the witching hours when he was throwing up bile and then he had some runny diarrhea both on the shower rug in the bathroom by the toilet and I did my best to clean it by hand but didn't want to run the washer in the middle of the night in case it woke up the downstairs neighbors. (I think the cat logic was: I can't make it to my box for my poop, but this is right by where she poops so it's the best I can do.) He's lost a lot of weight and muscle mass this winter and he's getting very sharply angular skin and bones under all that fur -- I know this is how feline CKD progresses, but it's sad and it hurts. He's not at a point to be debating his best death plan, but he's very snuggly needy and I don't actually know how much more life he has in him. At least when we bury him next to Audrey like I promised him I would, we won't have to be digging frozen ground in January like with her burial, y'know?) It's a white bathroom rug (impractical I know, but I liked it when I saw it at World Market like a decade or so ago more than the other colors they had; and white you can always bleach) so if the stain from the cat not feeling great doesn't come out in the wash, I'll throw it away and buy a new rug but I should at least try hot water and detergent and bleach on it.

Later today I have to go drop the dog off before I head downtown for svd in person training and I need to give myself enough time to take the garbage out and to stop by the vet to buy Spock some more of his renal care food, I put the last of it in his bowl yesterday.  He's not eating as much as he used to or as much as he probably should, but I can't just not having any food here for him.

Anyway. I don't actually have anything I need to say here right now. I just felt like apologizing for yesterday and acknowledging that after sleeping and eating, I am, indeed, not at all maudlin melancholic over imagining pessimistic could bes that aren't true at all right now. Sorry. 

Today I'm just happy sunshine (despite the chaos of the world outside my quiet hermiting this morning) smiley loving the steady warmth of love/certainty flowing through the bond from my polar bear and sending my own love and certainty "this is what I want" to him just in case he also likes feeling the light of that truth inside him or needs to hear it to help calm him down whatever he's feeling. Boy feels everything intensely, same way my Audrey Pupburn emo Pisces pup always did while she was alive.

I've seen love go by my door It's never been this close before. Never been so easy or so slow. Been shooting in the dark too long, When something's not right it's wrong. You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.

 I would just like to state for the record (in case anyone is keeping a record) that despite the world burning around us and the accelerated lesson learning for everyone who hasn't lived them or studied history and us still being in the "fuck around" not even entering the "find out" period and how much rage is building constantly within all good souls at the suffering and deaths and accelerated economic collapse consequences of this absolutely idiotic end stage capitalism destruction of an empire..... (And I know the old must die for the new to be born and physics allows superpositions of energies but not superpositions of objects so better ways can't come in to being to replace the old broken that we are being forced to see for what it is until the old ways are completely destroyed... but it's still a lot, even when you precogged it coming have been trying to prepare yourself ahead, it's still so bleak in the world for a while til the lessons are learned....) So what I am saying is that basically despite all the everything of this existential collective moment and being smart enough to know even without my precogs and what they've shown me how much worse this gets before there's any chances to make it better.... Despite all that as being part of the collective current state of surrounding isness of this existential moment we're all sharing. (And that's a huge amount to set aside to write about other things...)

But do you know my biggest glimmer right now? Even brighter than the incredible beauty of the fresh snowfall that yesterday's rain has turned into this morning as this blizzard system passes through. 

I mean, maybe you can guess. 

But. It's that there has been for a week and a half maybe two weeks now such heady constant strong love light pouring in down the bond as just like it's normal state of isness... And then there are times that it just gets so unexpectedly flooding everything even stronger and I have no idea what prompts it. And it's just so lovely and cozy and it makes me feel so loved and protected and safe. (Crazy time to feel safe because *gestures broadly at the entire fucking world losing its mind right now* but it's the inner sense that no matter the chaos of the world, that love and strength and sense of coming home in the bond is there.) I have no idea what's got him in such a focused state of love/need/certainty/determination but the way it rings and echoes down the bond is gorgeous and one of my favorite things. I could never get sick of it or so used to it I take it for granted. It's brighter inside me than all the darkness of this current moment in the world. 

I don't know how long this will last with it so strong because I don't know why he's reaching me so strongly with his depth of emotions and so much love/need/determination inside him. I just know I adore it and it makes me incredibly happy joy filled and I feel such overwhelming gratitude that it's there like this right now for me to turn toward.

And I also know I will be absolutely gutted whenever it stops, no matter the reasons for it stopping....

(And maybe that very thought is just a product of not having slept at all because I stayed at work til dawn and then made some tea to read quiet me down to sleep but then the snow started and it was so beautiful I haven't been able to sleep yet.... But maybe expecting the inevitability of losing it is wrong headed to even let cross my mind. Maybe instead I should focus my thoughts and energy on, "but what if this time you both get it right and you get to keep this and discover how much better even than this it can grow?" And I know that as a general rule I should always put my energy focused into feeding what I want not what I fear. I'm just not there right now today.)

It's the single best and brightest thing that 2025 has brought me so far this year. Hope and something brighter than hope feels like a promise that there's a way through still to build a life together this time no matter what the world throws at us to be building it with. And I'd given up on that and concluded I had to let him go and spent a lot of the last couple years was trying to move on without even the hope of it. This is such a night vs day difference. I don't yet trust or believe that it's here to stay, that he won't get distracted again forget about me choose someone else he stumbles across and I'll end up back in the same sets of ethics choices I've struggled with for the last decade..... But while I have it, I'm going to bask in it and let it light me up through this time of the darkening of the world.

And I do know my own truth enough to know I'm going to feel so heartsick missing it when it's gone and he's no longer so focused and certain and lighting me up with the flow of love from the inside like this.... And. I just. I would very much like to hold onto it for as long as possible lighting up my inner life. Maybe that's a lot to ask for, but that's still what I want.  

If, if we can't find our paths to choose to build on it make something even brighter for ourselves in this life, can I at least continue to have this much to hold on to until the world stops burning? Please?

*Sigh* I'm being unwonted pessimistic and sleep, even if only a nap, would probably reset me to my normal optimism. But if I'm not going to sleep for watching the snow, I should at least lay that fire I wanted to have today. The cozy warmth should help get me out of this inner funk of being sad for how it will feel to lose the connection and deep love pouring in from him I've grown so accustomed to receiving these last couple weeks -- a sad I'm feeling without any indication it's weakening or going to happen. Just a sad that it could happen and realistic expectations tell me not to be blindsided if it does. I really don't have any reason to have a sad about when I lose this flood of love from him, he's done nothing I know of to make me question it right now, I just am feeling that wayright now. Not appreciating enough the joy of this IS for the fear of the empty space if/when I lose it have only the is not....

And, also! It's so lovely having the rush and pour of it flowing in while I have it!!! Not sure why or what I could have done to merit it, but I know is -- and it's absolutely wonderful!

[Post title: lyrics to the Madeleine Peyroux song You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go.]

 Me: I'm really looking forward to an introvert week before Irish season busy times!

Narrator (in Samuel L. Jackson voice): "She did not in fact have an introvert week in her calendar yet..." 

When I said that, I totally forgot about svd trainings/assignments hadn't yet been sent out.... Whoops!

Remainder of this week (besides work finishing out my hours):

~Weds: Nancy is supposed to call at some point for a chat about her album release and tour planning. She wanted a zoom video call but I told her it would have to wait until another day if she wants video not just voice since I don't have internet at home to take a zoom call tomorrow

~Thurs 2pm: in person SVD training downtown 

~Sat night: Gaelic Storm concert at Barrymore theater

~Sun at 11: SVD training via zoom

***also I need to get as much as possible in of my 40 hours work week over the weekend because next week is quite busy and full***

 

But at least I have Weds to stay home during the snowy time (snow and high winds with gusts up to 40-50mph) and make a hearth full of ashes for Ash Wednesday. That's what you do as a not at all Christian witch for Ash Wednesday, right? You make ashes in the hearth by laying a fire, right? Also leaning towards making a curry since I have veggies to cook up and never soaked any beans for chili. I still could, but also fresh veggies to cook up...

Next week:

~Mon: SVD from 9a-noon AND I'm courier which means going downtown to pick up all the materials from the county clerk BEFORE the 9a start time and delivering them back afterward so I get an extra hour of time from the shift itself.

~Tues: SVD from 1p-4p ALSO courier for this assignment

(I am also currently waiting for any further assignments  of holes in the schedules that people were assigned and declined and will find out later this week if I have further assignments based on my availability I gave them)

~Weds: Socks in the Frying Pan concert in Milwaukee (BUT, haven't bought the tickets yet, ga, because I need to make sure I don't pickup any Weds shifts that wouldn't let me make it to Milwaukee on time)

~Thurs: dentist appointment at 2p for fillings on the right side. 7p Lunasa concert at Garver Feed Mill in town. 

(Also I want to stay up to watch the lunar eclipse which is from like 1:30a-2:30a or something like that early Fri) 

~Fri: Onoir show in Chicago at either 8p or 9p (tickets say 8, but the fb event was changed to say 9)

~ Sat: early afternoon 50th surprise party for Scott on the way out of town heading to Iowa for Onoir concert in Cedar Falls (or maybe Cedar Rapids?) Iowa at 7p

~Sun: brunch and symphony tickets with Crissy and Denis. Also the St. Patrick's Day parade downtown.

The week after that: 

~Mon: St. Patrick's Day

 ~Tues: Madeleine Peyroux concert in Milwaukee (she's one of my absolute favorite altos -- her version of Dance Me To the End of love is my favorite version of it that anyone does. Even better than the Leonard Cohen original imho. It's one of my forever favorites since here it in like 2004 ish and I often have her cover of Dance Me To the End of Love stuck in my head.)

~Weds: dentist appointment for the left side fillings. Blech!

~Thurs: Equinox. Plan is to have cocktails after work again that day

 I swear though, life ACTUALLY slows down for me in April and May to have introvert time or make time for new unexpected surprises and things I don't have planned/seen!! For real. I mean, gardening and plants and flowers start, but that's not the same sort of thing.

Also. My sister is starting to nail the jello to the wall making reservations for their trip to Madison in June to visit family. They did book the reservation to go to a Mallards game (minor league baseball team in Madison) on the 26 and decided to opt for a table (with unlimited beer, cider, wine, food with waitstaff all included) which is like $61 per person. It's a table for 8, which would be perfect for the 5 of them and my parents and me BUT Ellie doesn't count, so we're a group of 7 with 8 seats/tickets and they're just paying for that extra seat no matter what. My sister wants me to look figure out somebody who enjoys sports enough to want to join us for minor league baseball and would be able to handle my very unusual crazy family to join us, but not many people I know who would want to take a workday off to go to a minor league baseball game, lol. We'll see if I can figure something out find someone to join us before we get to June, if not, they're paying for the seat anyway so we can have the reserved table they want to do.

Also, APT schedules just came out including available 4 pack dates, and Irishfests are starting to say their lineups (but not yet schedules) to start making plans and this is the bogo time to buy early tickets cheapest possible for Irish fest season in Aug, and the schedules/programs for Concerts on the Square were released (free chamber orchestra picnic concerts on Wednesdays on the capitol lawn for 6 weeks, this year it's from June 25 til July 30; I will probably not be able to do the motown one to open the season on June 25 as I will be in family mode while my sister and brother-in-law and the three kiddos are visiting and it's not my sister's thing.) so I'm starting to sketch out, plan, and buy tickets for my summer and early autumn plans. (fall of the empire allowing those plans to actualize be filled with friendship and music and family and good craic to actually happen rather than just trying to survive whatever the muskrat and dumptruck and proj25 reduce the nation and world to by then...) 

Also. Tonight I picked up the tickets for the Skerryvore show in Viroqua on April 5 and then when I went to put it in my calendar I mistakenly read 4/5/25 as 4/25 and thought I'd just spent $80 on two tickets for a show in Viroqua the same night I already had tickets to see Black Violin in Madison... Lordy that was a bit of a minor panic for me that I had made that mistake double booking myself for two different concerts before I realized what I had done and there wasn't ACTUALLY a conflict. (Shhh! I said it slows down in April, not that I don't have tickets to shows and concerts in April. And it's still not as busy as my mid March....)

 O I feel I should be clearer. Or maybe I was clear enough late last night and it was understood and now I'm just overthinking that maybe I didn't find the right words and so I made more confusion and more mess than I meant to in my clarifications... But here we are and even if everyone but me is sitting in the reassurance of "yeah I get it, I get you, it'll be alright" understanding of my last post, it will help calm my own over thinking to put into words the things I wonder if I muddied instead of making more clear. So this is all head space driven (over)thinking not heart space driven doubts (my heart's still sitting there like a warm little fire insisting, "I know what I know, and I know this will work out if you stop rocking the boat every time you second guess because the love IS") trying to explain some details in my explanations about what I don't know and why it matters as much if not more than what I do know --  so buckle up buttercup get ready for some of the deeper theoretical work underpinning my intuitive isness navigating inter human interactions. And if you don't need all the words, just consider it an exercise in hearing out the analytical over thinking side of me that needs to crystallize things into words which is in my character mix  just as much as my witchy intuitive spiritual gifts just knowing things I shouldn't know side of me.

The first part bothering me right now is... 

I said that I won't promise I won't use the technique the Morrigan pointed out to me to shut out anyone with an energy woven through them to stop him from reaching me if he dates someone else even though I  WANT to go down a fateline where I never ever ever ever have any reason whatsoever to shut him out from reaching me on the inner level. I would very very much love to never ever ever again try to shut him out from reaching me via the bond and never ever ever again feel that there's no place for me in the life he's choosing to build for himself this life. So why won't I make that promise to curtail my part in how this played out in the past given what I want more than I want anything else is to never again try to block him from reaching me and never again to feel like there's no place for me in the life he's building himself? Well. Two main reasons.

1) Promises. There are concepts and ideas that are so big and so sacred and soul deep magical important that the paucity of English words has cheapened them to the point you can't tell if someone means the deep sacred version or the shallow slang colloquial use and you don't want to confuse the two but the language forces the confusion. The obvious example is the word love -- we use it for the people/animals/places to whom we feel our deepest emotional attachments (and to each of them the love itself is as unique as the soul/place it connects to) but we also use the exact same word to say "I love sushi" or "I love Last Week Tonight with John Oliver." And we mean them in such radically different ways -- sure the food you love makes you feel bodily pleasure and the show makes you laugh feel intellectual pleasure but pleasure isn't the only thing in the deeper sacred soul deep levels of the word love. (and to make it all even more semantically difficult, some people use the word love in romantic situations to mean "you give me physical pleasure" but they mean it as just a form of lust and security blanket no matter how it glitters and it's not transcended to that deep seated connectedness like you feel to family and chosen family and multi-life soul contract stories EVEN THOUGH you're still talking about a person as object not a comfort food; which makes it way harder to know what version of "love" someone means when you use the word in romantic situations because did you mean it in the comfort food/show lust-fueled tinsel way or the deeper soul level your isness is a beloved treasure way?) There's so much more I could say on that, but I don't think I need to because it's an example that most people get and understand that it's a subjective experience to know which is meant and which is understood any time the word love is used. You don't need more words to explain the gulf in subjective meanings when the English has one word that can mean such different things. So that's one example of how one word can mean deep profound sacred things AND really surface level slang used connotations and it creates confusion over which meaning is intended. For me, promise is another one of those words -- lots of times people throw off an "I promise" to placate and with no intention of actually seeing through what they said. But for ME, my soul is ancient enough and pagan enough that I see a promise as a sacred vow/contract/geas I am making that I will do everything within my power to see it through even if it's late or the death of me or it takes me multiple lifetimes to see it through get there -- I don't have to swear it on any concept of G-d or the Divine or the Tao or Universe or any spirit beings we call gods/goddesses/angels because for me using the vow form IS making a contract before the Divinity, however you conceive of it. So instead when people use the casual placating "I promise" instead I'll say "I'll do my best" or "I'll try" or "I will/won't do this unless" but for me personally I won't use the word promise unless I mean it as a sacred vow deep soul level contract binding myself form of the phrasing.  Now that's just me, and I know it's not how everyone uses the word and you can take my "I'll do my best" or "I'll do this unless" to mean the more everyday sort of "I promise" but I won't personally use the phrase that way. Getting any promise from me, or even asking for one, is a much more serious thing than "I'll do my best" it's a soul deep binding vow/contract/geas that I agree to put upon me and what choices I will consider. So while I already promised I would teach/relearn to respect the bond is ours not mine and won't try to silence/diminish/harm the bond itself ever again, I CAN'T promise never to try to place a  block on specific energies reaching me including if they're wound around/through him from reaching me via the bond. Because not allowing certain energies to reach me is a line of spiritual defenses and at this time, I can't see his choices until he makes them and that means I can't know my own reactions/options at that time as to what my defenses should be regarding third party energies hijacking him/the bond to reach me. I'll gladly agree to do my damnedest to fight not to find myself/ourselves in a situation where I would feel I needed that, but I can't take it off the table via a promise because I won't try to force him to choose me if his heart wants something else and I can't put myself at risk to whomever he wants to connect with... Does that make sense? I won't promise because promise means something so much bigger and deeper and more sacred when I say it -- but I will do my best not to get us into a situation where I feel I have to do that ever again. But it was rather a big deal in my mind to me when I said I WOULD be willing to promise to him never to do it again without letting him know ahead giving him a chance to talk with me find another way instead of me just doing it thinking it my best option given reality as it is.  Like I KNOW it's semantics and I'm not trying to go too deeply Derrida on you here, but it DOES matter to me my own meaning/intentions in what I say and that's why I wouldn't promise -- but I'm willing to say I'll try to do my best, even when it's messy and seems like there isn't a way through I'd rather work on trying to find a way to the best possible version of what everyone wants instead of me just reactionary doing something impetuously stupid and fucking everything up.

 2) Free will. There's plenty of room for debate over whether free will even exists or if it's all deterministic cause-effect or complete random chaos (and weirdly quantum mechanics tells us it's an "and" for all three of those not an "or" between these options but the exact mechanisms of how they all come into play is still all theoretical.)  That's another discussion for us to shelve (alone with Derrida's subjective fluidity of semantics versus intended/understood meaning) for another time when we can just to see where it takes us -- because I do have a point and discussions like that are about the insights and new ways of thinking you discover in the discussions not finding THE answer because there isn't ACTUALLY a singular answer, all the current theories are like the parable of the three blind men trying to describe an elephant where one can only feel along the trunk, the next a leg, the third the tail and so they're all describing what their senses find fighting over what an elephant IS when the truth is they're all correct about the portion they can subjectively feel but they don't have any concept of the bigger objective picture of the entirety of an elephant. So that very large elephant in the room of the subject aside, let's talk about free will. Even if you believe free will is a great theory but doesn't actually exist (any more than objective truth can in terms of honesty from a subjective viewpoint) for me trying to stay true to the concept of free will is as foundational to the purpose of incarnations as a vehicle for learning lessons and integral to meaningful relationships as honesty rather than lying is foundational cornerstones. You can nitpick into evolutionary biology and lizard brain and conditioned responses and mechanistic (rather than quantum) Newtonian physics at a theory level all you want. And I will freely admit all these things come into play with the opportunities we're presented and how we subeconsciously or consciously arrive at our choices. Valid. All of that is valid. But. here's the thing. At the same time, at fundamental soul deep heart deep ego driven messy human level, ain't nobody wants to be an ought to everybody wants to be a desire. The only things that are ever meaningful to anyone that we can do or give in our lives are the things that we freely choose and the things we desire, not the things we feel compelled or forced to do. And this is important in all human psychology (even in animal psychology) and it's true for all of us every single one of us embodied in the messy human framework of incarnating as a mammal. It's a part of how you feel loved is to feel wanted and chosen not just a have to.  The ONLY meaningful actions are those that are born of choice and desire. It may be a false dichotomy, it may be the best of the options, it may be the lesser of details but it is important at a fundamental level of human nature to FEEL they had a choice and they chose what they wanted most of the options. And so it has always seemed to me that even if you don't believe that lifetimes are about learning lessons by the choices made/not made across the different situations of your life, the only meaningful acts of connection between any two humans have to be born of mutual desire and mutual choosing each other -- nothing else can ever hold any meaning whatsoever.  And this is where free will comes into play because if I want something and someone else won't free will desire it, then I need to accept their choice OR try to use force/coercion/manipulation to get them to choose my way. And I don't play those games of force/coercion/manipulation this life because anything I gained by it I would have rendered meaningless by what had to be done to get it. So I ain't interested in anything unless it's freely chosen freely given. Which is why for me, it's very important that no matter how much it guts me to do it I feel that the only way for anything meaningful to grow between us means that I give him the freedom and option to choose someone or something else if that's truly what he wants. The only love I know how to give anyone in this life is with a completely open hand, to welcome and snuggle into the warmth of the love as long as it exists and we choose each other but to never hold onto it with a closed fist if it would rather be spending its time/energy/life/love elsewhere from me. Because it's the only way for the love to be meaningful is if it's freely chosen and genuinely desired, not because it's forced or coerced or a have to. And that's why I can and have and will again fight my own selfish desires down deny them and wish him the happiness he seeks if he would choose someone/something other than me -- because love on any other terms is meaningless if it's not freely given and freely shared. Is it self denial? Yes. is it a form of martyrdom? yes. Could it be considered people pleasing? Yes. But what's the point of holding on to someone who wouldn't choose you and doesn't want you qua you? (or can't see you qua you -- if you're just a stand in not valued for your isness, then you weren't chosen for YOU, you're just filling a role for someone.) How can that holding on when someone wants to be let go be anything but toxic?  What can be meaningful in a one sided connection held onto by force or habit or ought to? Why would I want a relationship built of ashes and shrapnel and ruins rather than something meaningful to be treasured? How could I knowingly lie to myself or anyone else about what we would be doing if there was any ought to or coercion in the root of the love that is meant to be the relationship rather than building something meaningful that is mutually desired? This is why  even if free will is only a mental construct to make sense of our lives, in order to find any MEANING in any relationship built with anyone, it has to have a foundation of open handed love that is mutually desired and mutually chosen or you're destroying the foundations before you begin. (Also, if you ARE seeking me and ARE desiring me and ARE choosing me and damnit you want me to hold onto you and choose you, just make sure I know that's your choice -- because open handed love is still love and I'm still selfish as anybody else if I can have what I want on my terms that it be meaningful and worth something to me. Just let me know your choice and correct me if I misunderstood in the past and I promise you that if it's what I want as well, my love shining bright on you will be as undeniable and inescapable as the sunshine. I've never been able to hide the shininess of my joy or love or delight, Just let me know what you want and as sure as the sun returning from behind a cloud, I'll come right back with the brightest shiny eyed smile and biggest hug the moment I know what I want is wanting me too.) I have to allow the space for free will choices even if it's the last thing in the world I'd selfishly WANT someone else to choose because allowing for him to take that away from me to choose someone else if he wants is the only way for there to be any MEANING in the love that could be by him choosing me and me choosing him. But that's why I have to leave at least the idea of space for him to choose someone else if I hope for there to be meaning in him ever choosing me. That's why the concept of free will MATTERS. Because it gives meaning to be seen and chosen and it makes it meaningless if you're a coerced ought to not a desired choice.

Second point. 

Past is past and we can't change it past the rivet point nexus of free choices made in those moments. It's incredibly important to be honest as possible (with ourselves and others) about the past in order to understand it to learn who we have been (and why) and better ways to be than what we have been AND to understand how we got here and became who we are in the situations we're in so we can with compassion for ourselves and others (past and present versions) act from a place of love (from genuinely seeing isness) untangle our cable monsters to get the order form out of the chaos we want and to make everything smoother the next time we want to start the magic of Christmas feelings again. BUT, I don't want to play the blame game or the game of what ifs. That ain't of interest to me at all. Blame game of who should have done what ain't gonna do shit to untangle the cables we now have to deal with before we can get things setup for what we want to do -- you sit down, you put time and attention and love into it and you untangle the mess and you make the plan for how to keep these cords from getting knotted up tangled again in the future. But even more important to me than not playing the blame game is not playing the what ifs game. I don't want to play the game of what ifs -- it doesn't MATTER what could have been if he hadn't decided it must be someone else he wanted was seeking for so long and I hadn't reacted by cutting him off from the inner bond that he hasn't been without out across any of our lifetimes.  Maybe it wouldn't have saved us any pain -- maybe it would would have just brought us other pain or repeated patterns of past versions of us because he didn't know what he had to lose until the bond was missing from him. I couldn't know how much it would hurt worse than a death put me deep in the hollows to try to make me give up the possibility of him being IN my life by removing the bond between us from being in play until I did it. 

Things happen in divine timing and unexpected ways BECAUSE we need to remember our better selves and the soul contracts we came into this life to fulfill and a reminder of our past life lessons that culminated in the choices we made for what we wanted from THIS life in this nexus of space/time. We can't "what if" regrets our way to the timeline we didn't have those events that hurt because we can't know if we might not have ended up hurting each other far worse and for far longer and maybe fucking up the "what comes next from here" if we hadn't had to go through these lessons and choices to understand the behavior patterns and fractures that need to be seen to be healed.  We have to become the versions of ourselves best able to love each other as we are qua ourselves NOW and the lessons we need to learn to become the versions of ourselves we choose to be moving forward before we can get the foundations right to build anything worthwhile and meaningful between us. And why would we want anything without solid foundations or without worth to be treasured or meaning from the choices we're now making? 

So did it hurt? Yeah.. Were there easier paths with less pain we could have chosen? Yeah, there are infinite paths you can take to climb a mountain -- but each will bring you different views and different lessons. So is there a better time or way we could have gotten to where we are NOW and the versions of ourselves we are right NOW (with both the good lessons and the hurts we need to unlearn and not repeat the hard lessons) than the paths we took to get here? Probably not -- we would be a different us and the time/space nexus would be different if taken any other path and the lessons would all be different if any other path was taken.  But we can't say any other path would have been better or more beautiful or profound or brought us to the best versions of ourselves for what we want to build and co-create. We can only decide how to co-create from here based on what we've learned from how we got to here and how those lessons shaped the version of us that is showing up right now in this present moment.

So I don't want to play the blame game and I don't want to play the game of what ifs.  I want to learn from the past what we do/don't want to repeat AND untangle the messiness so it won't trip us up making things harder than they need to be AND I want to know "are we both ready and at the point of self knowledge to choose each other and build the sort of love and shared life path that we choose and is meaningful and to be treasured?" We can untangle the mess of past choices/actions/inactions as we go if we need to and we can embrace the messiness that comes of being human navigating other human relationships and survive. But I want to know if we're both ready to choose this and to start the untangling of the past knots and start co-creating a braided/joined life path from here. It is only within this context of understanding "how did we get here" and figuring out "how do we make this less tangled get us what we both desire" that the past is worth revisiting -- not the blame game or what ifs game.

 But also. Here's the third and most important part which I feel like I may have muddied and didn't meant to muddy up in what all I said earlier (and in this post.) 

I wish to be absolutely completely transparently clear. Beyond my honesty that messes happen when lack of knowledge/understanding/communication happens and I'm cognizant that I don't know what I don't know. But setting aside the past messes still to be cleaned up (always remember anything you can tangle up, even between messy human reactions/interactions, you can untangle with time and care and intention as long as you think it worth the effort -- we just treat the threads of how we got here like a cable beast and after we untangle things maybe in the future let's take a bit more care in the state of how things are put into storage) or the risk of future messes to avoid or cleanup once we get there so we should be aware of what would make the messes more into the fuckups territory.... The big take away you SHOULD have isn't the inevitability fucking up again because nobody can know everything, but that I recognize the risks of it would like to mitigate those risks AND that while I won't promise not to block out third party energies in the future if forced to it I need everyone to hold onto my truth that the very last thing I want is to ever feel I have to do that ever again in this lifetime; I don't WANT to feel like there's no place for me in the life he's building for himself and I don't want to ever have to block him out from reaching me via the inner bond or stop my love/energy from reaching him. 

Because if what you need to know is what I, personally and selfishly, desire then my answer is: Please let's not ever again make choices that put us in a situation where I feel like I'm unwanted there's no place for me in his life and also please let's not ever give any reason for rationalizing doing anything to block either of us from reaching each other down the bond because I'd rather just have the love and light and energy flowing freely between us down it. 

That's what I want. At a completely personal selfish "what do I want for myself" that's what I desire. What he desires and what he chooses for himself are about his free will and they're on the list of things I currently don't know (and thus on the list of things that can make assumptions about it make everything messier than it needs to be) and they'd certainly affect my own choices and promises and what ACTUALLY happens between us in the 3d everyday world. But if you were to ask me what I absolute personal fantasy selfishly for myself desire, I want a path where we can both choose to build what's left to us of this lifetime together in reality not just in dreamspace and to do all we can to feed/protect/heal/grow the powerful love and light and dreams that flow between our souls down the bond. And don't ever lose sight of that being my personal truth no matter what any damn thing I get it into my head I ought to do as "best for him given his choices" that martyrs my own happiness I want and undermines that wish and dream and desire in me. because in all this time and all this mess (and we've all been guilty of our own parts in making the tangled mess worse that got us here) that selfish personal desire within me has remained fixed star unchanged across time. It might have felt as unreachable as Polaris at times so far in this lifetime, but it's still been my steady desire and wish if I could have anything. And don't let any fool thing that's counter to reaching that make you think otherwise.

P.S. I mentioned International Polar Day is February 27, it's one of the very random dates I've kept in my head since I learned it as a child -- do you know why it's at the end of February during Pisces season? It's because right now is when you start seeing mama bears and their cubs start coming out of their dens. If you know where to look on social media, all the polar loving photographers are sharing pictures of baby polar bears and their mamas coming out from their dens in the northern areas around Churchill and Svalbard area. (Also, I still want to visit Churchill up in Manitoba. I don't know if it should be to see mamas and their dens, the summertime lolling in the fire flowers, the males as they start fake sparring before going out on their own to try to find mates... I just want to go and see them in their habitat, what remains of it.) Anyway. You should adjust your socials for more polar bears in your feed. I'm always pro cute polar bears in your feed. But here's one of my favorite new to me (taken by Mary Ratensperger) pictures of a cub fresh out of their dens snuggling for a nap with their mama bear. It's just such a picture of blissful peace in feeling safe.

Pictures like this is why I would absolutely die trying to hug befriend a bear because bears are evolutionarily most closely related to puppies. And how can you NOT look at that picture be like, "I too would like to be in this snuggle pile of cozy comfort.

P. P. S. Just to hit home that last point, why yes I DID decide that today was a good day to wear my bright blue kids sized hoodie from the zoo with a polar bear on it even if nobody but my dog was going to see it. (And yeah, I can/do still shop in the kids section, especially for shirts. I may be almost 5'8 with a wingspan over 5'10, but most of my height is in my legs, I'm short waisted with small shoulders and big boobs on a narrow rib cage -- so kids sized shirts are a better option for me than a lady's shirt that's too big for my torso size/shape. Kids clothing are usually cheaper and better made (because kids play harder than adults) and a kids xxl is often roomier and baggier than a woman's xs/s which is what I typically wear.)

 

See? Bright blue kids sized hoodie from the zoo with a polar bear on it. aka very much my cozy comfy comfort personal cold weather style when I'm not in jeans and a sweater or if I'm going to be traveling or sitting a lot (like at a show) I prefer a dress/skirt with leggings and a sweater or sweatshirt. Also, as you can see in the background of that last picture, my dog dropped her ball by my foot and is waiting for me to throw her toy to play fetch give her my undivided attention and love. And she's here and anyone reading this is not so my sweet Waffles O'Whoofigans will win out and get my choice of my attention and love now that I've made the points I felt I failed at making clear enough in my last.

 Overthinking doesn't change the north star of what my heart desires -- it just makes me question if I can have it and call it in and if what I want is wanting me too because if it doesn't want me than there'd be no meaning in trying to hold on to it with a fist instead of loving with an open hand.

 P. P. P. S. Tomorrow is planned friends joining for Mardi Gras cocktails at 5ish at my work. But also, there's a huge late winter/early spring blizzard sweeping across the upper midwest across Tues/Weds. Where I am is supposed to just be lots of rain and strong winds tomorrow -- but the overnight and Weds portion is going to transition through hail and other wintry mix to snow. Not as much snow as up north which could get up to like a foot of snow. But also, Weds is going to be a good day to spend at home all cozy hygge with the animals. So if you don't hear from me, imagine that after cocktails catching up with friends/family that on Weds where I am is at home in pjs with snuggly cat and dog and lots of books and music (probably piano because let's be real, it's a favorite in my household) and that I probably have a fire laid in the hearth and the fireplace is crackling away happily and probably making something delicious (maybe a slow cook batch of spicy chili because it's easy and tasty and I can just get it going and leave it til I feel hungry and the smoky flavors from the fireplace and the chili always work nicely together!) So if I don't post in the near near future and you get to questioning it after me posting so very much recently, just imagine that's my Weds because that's my plan for it.