The other night I had a polar bear dream again (well, more accurately it was the other sleep which was actually early in a morning, after sunrise.)

I'm not going to tell all of it, mostly it falls under the category of personal not for n'importe qui. Mostly it was like the dream version of just being held in love. But there was one bit of conversation that brought me unexpected inner peace that I wanted to make sure I hang onto so wanted to write down. 

The polar bear told me at one point in the dream, "it's never bothered me that you're someone who needs to question everything, I understand that. I just wish that after you question, you would pause to listen for the answers of my truth." 

And for some reason, that not only made sense but it brought me some peace. Not just about my current course but generally. It's a small statement, but the resonance it made had big ripples. The acceptance of questioning but as a part of truth seeking which means waiting for answers.... As opposed to questioning for the sake of questioning or questioning from a place of fears rising up to seek voice. The reminder that questioning should be about truth seeking, which means looking for the answers after you question not just accepting the questions at face value.

Also. For months now, often during the night hours, and especially when I close my eyes to try to sleep, even if there's other music playing there weaves through my brain the thread of song but just the single line, "Don't you know I dream about you?" Just that one line. None of the rest of the song, just that line all by itself. And invariably my reaction is the incredulity of "no, I didn't know that -- do you really?" And I just think it would be nice to get to a place where my reaction is the cozy "yes, because I dream about you too" acceptance of the isness of shared dream space and mutual desire always reaching toward each other from our inmost selves. I'm not there now, but I would like to get there.

 I haven't written here much recently and probably won't in the too near future. Just not feeling particularly wordy lately (thus the recent silence) and I'm going to be busy the next little while (thus the expectation of silence in the near future.) I dunno, just, not feeling the need to write much here lately. 

The Virgin Queen Entertains Her Fool was amazing!! No notes! absolutely superlative acting, directing, writing, and thoughtfulness on difficult themes.

As for why I'm busy in the soon to come future. Crissy picked up rush tickets tomorrow (today now) for Ma Rainey's Black Bottom at APT (one of the plays this season we didn't have 4+ people and thought being an up the hill play would have rush tickets (50% off) which is a better deal than the early bird sale IF you don't have a four pack and IF you think the play may goon rush or not sell out. We decided to play the "hope it goes on rush otherwise maybe we won't see it" for Ma Rainey's Black Bottom, Dancing at Lughnasa, and Constellations. So Spring Green tomorrow night (tonight). Then Saturday up to Minneapolis for Nickel Creek and Andrew Bird. Then Sunday to art fair with my mum and Crissy (I forgot art fair was this weekend) but I really can't let me buy anything at all -- still I want to go which is probably a horrible idea for the temptation but I've been going wit my mum to Art Fair for mid-July since I was a kid.)

Next week isn't so much going on except for NEEDING to make decisions and move forward on the insurance stuff -- just Moulin Rouge tickets on Weds, Special Voting Deputy training downtown on Thurs, then cat sitting while Crissy is out of town over the weekend.

But the next couple days are rather busy so it's unlikely I'll be writing here much. And I just don't have much to write here.... in part because I'm mentally chewing on myself stressing over having to deal with the insurance people (who all want to discuss over the phone and yet never answer when I call and always seem to call me back when I'm driving or like at Target and can't discuss it then before they are willing to send me policies to price compare which is what I actually need from them) AND I'm just super money stressed right now and I don't see how that is going to get better in the near future.... And it's stressing me even more than a little going into Irish season feeling already this level of money stressed.... Thank the gods this is the season of abundance from the CSA and the garden pots for me to have fresh foods coming in every week....

Anyway. it's not you or anything, I'm just in my head stressed about practical daily life quotidian trying to be a human in the modern world stressors. 

(But also, I could use a hug and help seeing the path through from here to a less stressed headspace by a more abundant not QUITE so close to the bone fiscal state of isness.)

“One of the quickest ways to become exhausted is by suppressing your feelings.” ~Sue Patton Thoele

 So. Why do I have to deal with figuring out my homeowners and auto insurance and figure this out and go through policies by the end of the month?

Well, the short version is that State Auto who I've had my homeowner's insurance through merged with Safeco (who currently have my auto insurance) and Safeco does not provide homeowner's insurance for condos.

My current agent DID finally provide me a homeowner's insurance policy he made through Lemonade, but it only covers up to $100k for the property and $50k for everything I own and my current property tax assessment is $183k so this seems VERY underinsured to me and I don't know if it meets my condo association rules for personal insurance. When I emailed to ask about this to him, he asked me to call him so I will be calling him tomorrow.

ALSO, my auto insurance with SafeCo on my 2010 Scion with like 124k miles on it (I drive a lot for concerts and fests) is going up from 1.2k per year to 1.9k per year when it renews Aug 1 and I've had no claims, collisions, accidents, or even speeding tickets... so this increase nearly doubling it is absolute bollocks!! Honestly, it's probably to cover the cost of acquisition of State Auto and all the difficulties that made for me. This leads me to want to switch my auto insurance depending on what's available. My current agent has NOT quoted me auto insurance coverage change when I requested it in the email I sent in response to his condo policy he had come up with. I will call tomorrow and hopefully talk to him about it. This jump is egregious and nothing I did warrants it. I do understand that Tesla crashes (quite specifically, because any damage to the battery requires junking the entire car) and climate change fires out west are making everyone's insurance premiums skyrocket for auto and homeowners, but there's no reason at all why it should have gone up that much. SafeCo did the same thing on my parents auto insurance last year so my mum switched their insurance at that time but this is the first they've done it to me.

From the initial email from State Auto about the acquisition and non-renewal of my condo homeowners policy in May which also said my agent would contact me with another policy (who didn't answer my calls and didn't reach out with a quote til the last week of June when my mum, who has been business acquaintances with him for ages, left him a message) and not having heard from my agent, it sounded like Liberty Mutual had acquired them (SafeCo is part of the Liberty Mutual umbrella) so I filled out the online for auto insurance and condo via :Liberty Mutual and one of their agents has been contacting me. He needs more information about the condo to include that in the quote but has been super responsive. I do know that with comprehensive and collision included, his auto insurance quote is currently $986 per year, nearly half what Safeco wants to charge. He has NOT, however, sent me the details of the policy for what is and isn't included. 

I do currently have an umbrella policy though SafeCo as well which is nominal and didn't go up at all, but my mum says I don't have enough assets that I need to have an umbrella policy at this point and could consider dropping it.

Liberty Mutual DOES offer pet insurance, but I don't know what it might cover and a lot of pet insurance are scams that don't cover annual visits, regular vaccines, or any emergency vet bills for known conditions. I'll ask, because Spock would likely be expensive being 15 already but Waffles is only 4 and depending on what it covers and how much it costs I would consider it. 

I also emailed an All State agent who had cold sale sent me a letter in the mail about condo insurance but she has not (yet) replied to my email reaching out to her. 

But basically, my current agent hadn't reached out to me with any replacement policy for the non-renewal even though he was supposed to until my mum FINALLY got a hold of him and his new homeowners insurance option through Lemonade seems to be underinsured to me based on my current property tax assessment, especially compared to the AllState cold call letter quote. I also think the auto insurance nearly doubling is ridiculous and so I want to change that policy to somewhere else before the automatic renewal on Aug 1 starts. But it means I need copies of the policies to compare prices and what's covered and included -- but for some reason both agents want me to call instead of emailing me the policies and I'm going to tell them I won't sign anything without reading the policies to compare what is covered and for how much. I'm going to start with the two I'm working with and if Michelle at All State ever gets back to me I might also cost compare with her.

Anyway, I'm going to call my current agent and Tyler tomorrow morning. I also have lunch plans (grill out at work) and then I NEED to go do a Target run because Spock is almost completely out of litter and his box is super low and surprisingly Target is cheaper for the Tidy Cat litter than any other pet stores including Chewy. I also need to get more tampons before the start of next month and contact solution and lightbulbs for the bathroom vanity before the last one of the four burns out, and some grocery products that are randomly cheaper at Target than the grocery stores here -- but none of those are QUITE as urgent a need as the cat litter situation which is getting dire. I'll try not to buy toooo many books when I get there, lol. Luckily, I'm hopeful that even though Jo-Ann and Michaels are already sending emails about their Halloween stuff being on sale, Target shouldn't YET have Halloween decor out to tempt me to spend my money frivolously, lol. And then after the Target run, heading to Spring Green with Crissy to see The Virgin Queen Entertains Her Fool in the Touchstone (indoor theatre) at APT. I'm very excited about this play, it looks amazing, the casting choices are brilliant, and it's a world debut of it (directed by Aaron Posner again who also directed last year's Chekhov's Shorts which was brilliantly done and one of my favorite productions of last season.)  That said, there's no published script available for it so I have no ideas other than the descriptions provided by the theatre and in the playbill and can't read it ahead of time or even afterward.

So anyway. That's the insurance stuff. But I was definitely panicky about the notice of non-renewal and not getting any traction from my agent about a replacement policy (admittedly with all the flooding and hail/tornado damage in the area, he has probably been busy tbh) AND I had a bit of a panicky emotional reaction to seeing my auto insurance going up so much without me doing anything wrong to make it go up because I can't afford that difference with everything else going up as well like my condo association dues now being nearly $400 per month. I'm still struggling internally how I'll make everything work to pay my last property tax payment of $814 due at the end of the month.) I'll figure it out somehow before the month ends, and if need be I'll directly ask my parents for help end of month instead of just telling them I don't know how I can manage to make everything work.... but it's stressful on me right NOW because I haven't yet figure it out. BUT, the good news is that if I can pay significantly less on insurance starting next month, that should help defray some of my money concerns that currently have me stressed out across the remainder of the year. 

It's all stupidly mundane and banal and annoying and boring but has to be done and it has a finite time stamp on it which has me time stressed living within my ADHD time blindness knowing that tends toward procrastination but I can't procrastinate too long on this and will continue to have me feeling time stressed until I have it figured out and settled. At least there ARE qualitative differences in coverage and costs because while Libras are known for being indecisive, it's more that we like to be able to weigh all the pros and cons before making a decision. Actually though, as a Libra sun with Pisces rising (aka the most indecisive astrological combination wanting to consider all the perspectives and options before making any choice)

 Damnit damnit damnit damnit!!!!! 

I got the idea this afternoon for an entirely new shiny sexy novel I want to write, it's not related to ANY of my current manuscripts in progress or even the scraps of novels/series waiting patiently for me to flesh them into full form because I won't let me write in them til I have SOMETHING ready to try to publish.... And I want to write this new idea so badly (mostly because I want to read it) and the Kermit in my brain is reminding me that the way to get there is to work on finishing other projects to make room for this one and once I have something published to establish I'm an author not just a girl too full of words and stories never finishing any manuscripts, THEN I should have more budgetary room can write off as business expense the entirely necessary Italy research trip to write this the way it deserves.... But my inner ADHD Konstantin worlds most dangerous frog is already chasing after the dopamine hit of this new shiny idea and has the characters voice and is writing out chapters and I need to at least scribble these out.... 

Anyway. It's a historical fiction romantasy based on real Renaissance history/biography. About one of the Borgias. And the extremely jealous supernatural lover entity she binds herself to and the string of dead husband/lovers and illegitimate children it leaves behind her everywhere she goes, no matter who her father/brother/pope try to marry her off to or where they try to hide her. 

I want to write it because now I want to read it know what happens in the unwritten parts of the fictional filling in around the actual historical record. 

And this is why I never finish anything.... I get caught between the sense of responsibilities of living by myself and the shiny new ideas the fertile creative ADHD brain is always birthing and I never give myself enough time and permission to let me just sit down and write until i can't move my fingers anymore so I can get manuscripts finished and navigate the publishing world to do what I'm supposed to be doing with this life and putting the big truths into fictional to be found by those who need them and never twisted by followers after death like what happens when you give spiritual wisdom in ways people can call Truth with a capital T.....

Also. Worth noting: I never can write a damn word in my real writing whenever I'm disconnected from the bond or trying to make me give up Eric this life... I just stare at the blank portion of the page and it's like the part of my brain that has the next lines is completely cut off inaccessible to me... I only ever have the words falling like rain perfectly phrased demanding I get them onto pages when I'm sitting in a place of hope/faith/belief the bond runs both ways and we both want it so damnit we're going to choose it.... 

 I also can't write when I feel too weighed down with ought tos that make me feel guilty about dedicating the time to writing.  (even ought tos like "I ought to clean the bathroom because I haven't for over a week" or "I should clean up that stack of clutter rather than let me do the thing I want and need to do that will bring me joy.") I don't get like that about reading, I get to it about my creative joys, including my real writing. I need to work on that.

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Also, though, I definitely spent time today worked on the Borgia story and wrote out the opening chapter and the parts writing themselves.... Rather than other manuscripts in progress that I OUGHT to have been working on....

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On a completely different note, my parents are getting very concerned about the trajectory of the US socio-political structure and are talking about retiring and liquidating assets selling the business and making plans for what to do if everything goes as authoritarian Dominionist evangelical Christian as it's shaping up to potentially become, getting themselves and other family/friends to safer places in case everything goes pear shaped six months down the line. They're considering selling the business and buying a place up near the Boundary waters (northern Minnesota) in addition to or instead of their cabin in Montana. And if they do it will be faster than expected. My da directly asked me what, other than my family (specifically my grandma) is rooting me here and I told him, "I would ideally want time to pack and somewhere with enough space to bring my books and my rocks and my plants -- including digging out plants form the front bed here because if you sell the building, they're just going to tear it down to build a multi use of stores on the ground floor and apartments above and they will destroy my entire bed and all my beloved established flowers and the apple tree and there are osme I'd want to at least try to transplant if I can. That said, I know which books are greater priority, but I would rather bring my books and plants than not if I have a choice in the matter."  My da then offered that they could set me up to run a cafe/bookstore and land enough to have my plants and bees and a small distillery to make medicinal (and tasty) herbal teas and botanicals. Which are both lives I'd rather be doing for work than the paperwork that needs to get done and I can set my own hours to do whenever I choose which means I am freer to run off for concerts and roadtrips and last minute flights than most people. But it won't be here where I've been where you know to find me and look for me.

This means there may be a non zero chance that if your plans are to come to Madison after you finish the things you've already set in motion before talking to me, I won't be here. I may have disappeared off to Whitefish Montana (where they already have one cabin and some land; and it's closer to my sister's family) or due to the fire risk out west, somewhere up in the boundary waters of northern Minnesota but I'm not exactly where they're looking.... It's not going to be an immediate thing, I'd have to get my condo ready put it up for sale before uprooting me. 

But just know, that if you're expecting you still have time and then you can me here where I've been for so long, there's a non zero possibility of me uprooting myself to go somewhere else and setup a new life doing what I want instead of my current making enough to barely cover my bills and enjoy my life around my work rather than finding work to make my life. I don't know exact timing, but I do know if you keep putting it off, you WILL be too late because I will have moved myself and my fur babies and books and all my things and you may not be able to find the where. I'm actually relatively easy to uproot if I have a reason to do so (other than the packing/unpacking of moving all my books, lol.)

On verra. I'm still going to focus on the things I need to get done with my insurance because that DOES have a finite timestamp sooner than later. -- and it likely wouldn't be til after Irishfest season after all. Unless it were up in the boundary waters which is only an 8 hour drive from Madison....

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Waffles have lived with me over a year now and I only JUST discovered tonight that she absolutely loves raw cucumber. (Audrey loved a lot of fruits/veggies other doggos didn't, but she never liked cucumbers even when really crisp or small pieces. But Waffles LOVES cucumbers, as well as many other veggies/fruits I've given her.  I have yet to find any fruit/veggie that Sophie will eat.

I should write about the adulting that's weighing on me that I need to get done, because in the process of writing and putting it into words instead of amorphous, I start to wrap my head around it and my plan/path through appears.

I will do it, because it will help me. And also I'll probably make it public or leave it public for at least a little while when I do it because, it's pretty shitty to be like, "This thing is weighing on me affecting me and my reactions to things -- but I'm not going to tell you about it so you can understand, I'm just going to claim it's affecting me and vaguely reference it without ever explaining." And I can't say I'm never a shitty version of me, everyone is sometimes but not as often as our most critical thoughts tell us we have been, but I can say that I TRY not to be a shitty version of myself, especially when I see it and recognize it so I can change things. (Because, you see, we can't ever change what we never see and acknowledge and face. It's as true in oneself as it is in society writ large.  The very first step to changing things for the better is to find the true sight to see it. I mean, I guess the first first step is to feel that's something's wrong but you don't know what or why or how to fix it -- but that you have to figure it out. That instinctive subconscious intuitive knowing and discomfort is the VERY first step to changing for the better. but the first CONSCIOUS step of choice you can make is the decision to figure the damn thing out and to look at it and see it clearly. )

So I will write about it. Promise. but not right now tonight. Tonight I'm sitting basking in my heart space more than my head space, so the words you will get are the things that are comforting my heart right now, not the have tos weighing on my head.

I've gotten some traction on the one that needs doing in the timeliest fashion (the shopping around for insurance and having to figure it out sign documents by Aug 1. For the reasons I'll explain when I sit to write it) and that I'm feeling time stressed about because I live in a state of flow time blindness and can only measure the passing now when I have music on that helps me with the counting of heartbeats instead of just flowing in aliveness -- and so I always arrive exactly when I'm meant to even if I don't understand the how/why, it does mean I can lose track of time and not realize how close to deadlines I am. And while ADHD means you do the bulk of the work at the deadline, you still feel the pressure on you when procrastinating important things. And this ACTUALLY needs to be dealt with and done and has a finite time stamp and until it's done, I will be feeling time stressed by it. 

But anyway, I WILL write about the practical everyday things requiring my energy and focus and adulting.  And in the writing it out I'll have a list and steps forward that will help me just swallow the frog and get the shit done and then it won't weigh on me and there won't be those things as pressures upon me making me reactionary in unexpected ways and triggering versions of myself I don't like and that manifest in cruelty to myself trying to get my arse in gear to get things done and thus I won't feel so down on myself that I project it onto assumptions about the polar bear and what he wants. Because what we don't face weakens us everywhere else in our lives that it can seep into and touch. And that includes avoiding the daily living responsibilities that as an adult nobody else will take care of for you, so you'd damn well best get on doing it yourself if you want it done -- because it ain't disappearing by ignoring it after all. (Capricorn moon much? All the earth in my chart is in Capricorn except my north node being in Taurus.)

So if I'm not here to write about the adulting, what the hell am I doing writing here without making much of a point other than to claim that tonight I'm sitting cozy in my heart space not over critical over thinking in my head space? O, because I said I was going to go back to the astro poets weekly horoscope sharing here because I said I would stop because it didn't seem to be on theme anymore but it took a week off into the land of poetic confusion but it's been back on theme again as intensely as ever since for Libra and Pisces being in dialogue telling a beautiful love story promise unfolding between them and the one for this coming week is already in my inbox, and, well, it's very VERY "are you getting this yet you stubborn child?"  So this is your catch up from the last month or so, however long it turns out to be....

But let's start with the one for this coming week because they made me grin and my heart dance:

"Week of 7/7 in Libra: You are sending a message of light and blue. It’s filled with numbers and feeling. You will be embraced by hope and kindness. You will be blessed with the very words that echo the beauty of your name. Say love and it will matter."

"Week of 7/7 in Pisces: In the night the cries. They are for love. What exactly you made from the intensity of spirit. It’s a song. It’s an overture of care."

 

Now I don't recall when I stopped, I think somewhere in May but maybe it was April?... So we'll just start with the week that started April and include them all in chronological order from there, ending with the repetition for the coming week because I just like it and it made my heart happy. Sorry if there's repetition of ones I shared before, but also I can't remember where I thought i saw a change/break from the themes because now I can't find it.... So I guess you will get all of April and May and June now to see the pattern (which has been there since the start of the year -- I've been keeping them for the repeating themes through those two signs since 1/7 -- before that, I just deleted them every week after reading them but the dialoguing between the two signs was so strong I wanted to keep it for looking back upon):

"Week of 3/31 in Libra: You hold the pink and blue day in front of you. Love and all of its worth. You know what you can know and that’s everything. You are worshipped and adored. Sit with the positive feelings of love."

"Week of 3/31 in Pisces: It’s finally a bitter sight. But then you will make it sweet again. You have that power. You have the power of light. You have the power of love."

"Week of 4/7 in Libra: Golden plants and a nice reminder. You are meeting so many people. You can go around and around with love. Hold true to the embrace. Hold true to the kisses everywhere."

"Week of 4/7 in Pisces: Rainbows emit from the seascape. That’s the way a corner sounds now. You can go and go back and forth. Quiet moments in the air. Quiet parts of forgiveness you can see. That’s who you know in the different spaces of the light."

"Week of 4/14 in Libra: Pretty flowers and the day. It bends around like a pink porch of dreams. Anything can be there but also love writes itself. There’s more to this. That’s what you can count on."

"Week of 4/14 in Pisces: You can sing the poem. That does not make it a song. It makes it a cup from which to sit it down. It makes a cup from which to pour within. The song is the poem is not the cup."

"Week of 4/21 in Libra: You have love. You have a box of poems that tell the time. You can reach out and forgive. Let everything hold you. Let your self know what is the purest love."

"Week of 4/21 in Pisces: Yellow and green are knowing. That’s why they bend around the best parts. Finding it true is what you dream within. So much is purple and hazy. So much is the mystery go find it."

"Week of 4/28 in Libra: You know love. It like water flows from everything. Memory is love and that’s the best part of it. Green and blue on the moments. The moments of time let it be green and blue."

"Week of 4/28 in Pisces: Blue and green are surrounding. Friendship again because it begins. But then there is the book of love. There is the book of your intentions. Make everything magical."

"Week of 5/5 in Libra: Paths of understanding. That’s what you bring now with your grace. Purple and blue through time. That is the immensity of love. That’s how deeply you love now."

"Week of 5/5 in Pisces: You knew not what you felt. That’s entirely of service to the dream. You created an immense moment. Then you went in it. Then you went it in cause why not."

"Week of 5/12 in Libra: If it’s anything then it will be nothing. You can make the day this way. If it’s anything then why not make it be everything. You hardly have seen the blue. It goes on forever."

"Week of 5/12 in Pisces: The past is forgiven and so it goes. Everything that can be held. There’s nothing that you won’t know now. So much so that it falls backward. So much so that it makes words."

"Week of 5/19 in Libra: Sunlight makes a mood that is clear like water. Like water so too it flows into everything kind. You can find the right part of the night to say it to. You will see who loves you now. It is true love."

"Week of 5/19 in Pisces: You knew it all so you will know again. Purple light like a shower. Put the ornate buffet out. Let the middle part take you in. Let the center surround you."

"Week of 5/26 in Libra: Love immensely. As the shells hold memories so you hold love. Coated with the kindest parts of everything. Your heart is wide and endless. You know what will be."

"Week of 5/26 in Pisces: Every last bit of it is a part of everything. That’s something you can’t wait to feel. So too it lets itself be orange. So too you know what you can because you do know it."

"Week of 6/2 in Libra: Love is everything. Everything fills with the source of who you are. You have a family of care. You can speak the future. You can speak words full of music."

"Week of 6/2 in Pisces: Much music will be made of love. You can hardly be in the middle of it. Green and pink and forgiveness. You know that part well. That part where you say forever."

"Week of 6/9 in Libra: So much love. So much that is pink and gold decorating the night. There’s no mistake here. There’s no error in the love that holds. That’s the green of it, the beginning."

"Week of 6/9 in Pisces: Something that finds you. Open the box to see. Open up what is locked. There it will see you. You will see it."

"Week of 6/16 in Libra: The immense beauty. There’s so much that you hold. Love surrounds you. Blue and green. The earth with its pink and green songs."

"Week of 6/16 in Pisces: Finding the planted beginning. You can see the gold part. You will not rely on anything bitter. You will taste sweetness. Sweetness will be everywhere."

"Week of 6/23 in Libra: The interwoven hearts. The blue and green of health. What is there will always be. True intention. True love."

"Week of 6/23 in Pisces: Neon yellow extends. It flows into the water. You can line up with fruit. You can be there with anything. Let the day rest."

"Week of 6/30 in Libra: So much in conversation. You can be again in the blue and pink. An embrace that holds itself truly. That’s why you can begin with love. Art and its overwhelming everything."

"Week of 6/30 in Pisces: So it remains as it is. What you see in the day is a type of magic. You might tell someone about it. You can wear the reddest signs of love. You can tell someone what music is."

"Week of 7/7 in Libra: You are sending a message of light and blue. It’s filled with numbers and feeling. You will be embraced by hope and kindness. You will be blessed with the very words that echo the beauty of your name. Say love and it will matter."

"Week of 7/7 in Pisces: In the night the cries. They are for love. What exactly you made from the intensity of spirit. It’s a song. It’s an overture of care."

So there now, all caught up! And doesn't it weave the prettiest tapestry between the two of promised love and song and words and colorful light?  I promise you, it's not all the signs -- it's just been these two, the ones I have always checked all my life because they're my sun and rising (and why I checked Pisces before knowing what my rising sign for the time I was born, I just was always drawn to it felt it important and mine, sometimes more so than my sun sign.) 

Anyway, it's not all the signs that have been dancing through this year in a dialogue of love and songs and poetry and promises for beauty unfolding into reality....

And it's just curious is all, because it's not there in ANY other signs. And in all the years of me being on the Astro Poets email list and even before that following them on twitter, it's never been there before until this year that there's obvious back and forth between the songs and themes repeating/building week upon week between Libra and Pisces. 

Also, here's a a short bit of a Rumi poem that I read in the last couple weeks and that sang true within me when I read it and still rings true on every re-read of it in my camera roll:

 I like that, I like it very much! It's how I feel about the concept of Divine Timing, of being patient to recognize the right things coming together at the right time when everything is aligned for it to be the greatest most sparkling beautiful it can become.

Anyway, I'll head home soon from work. Getting hours in early for the coming week, because I can. I don't have all that much in plans, but I have adulting to do and by getting work hours in, I can make space/time for my real writing even as i get the adulting done. As for claimed time plans on my life this week: Tuesday: tickets to see The Virgin Queen and Her Fool at APT ; Wednesday: planning to go to Concerts on the Square with Crissy and Denis for picnic and free Chamber Orchestra concert on the Capitol lawn, it's the only Weds I could for certain make AND it's the program I was most excited about because it features a Native American composer and the entire second half is a symphony of his; Saturday: up to Minneapolis for a Nickel Creek & Andrew Bird show. Next week all currently in the calendar is tickets to Moulin Rouge on the 17 then checking in on Crissy's cat over the weekend while she's out of town. Then the week after that grandma has an appointment on Mon 22 and I have a Special Voting Deputy but I was assigned two different places at the same time haven't heard back from them yet; then Weds 24 back to APT for Ring Around the Moon then Sunday the 28 to see Matilda the musical at Fireside with my parents and Crissy. And then it's August and I will have to have solved who I'm going with for switching my insurance policies and signed and switched it AND I need to figure out how to pay the last partial payment of my 2023 property taxes on my condo (in my city/county/state, you can pay all at once in January or split across four payments every other month with no penalty) and I have no idea where I'm going to find enough to pay for that AND right soon after that will come due the 6 month water bill at my condo AND then it will be the first weekend of Aug and so the first weekend of irishfests so I'll be in Waterloo Iowa that weekend then LaCrosse WI the weekend after then Milwaukee Irishfest the weekend after that. (Also working the partisan primary election the week of Milwaukee Irishfest and of course our gerrymandered state legislatures snuck some TERRIBLE referendums on a partisan primary that few people vote in right before the big presidential election EVERYONE will vote in.)

So I don't have much in plans currently in the calendar for this month, but I have a lot of adulting to do and a lot of money related stressors on me the rest of this month that I desperately need to figure out. I'll get through it and figure it out. I just haven't yet. Thankfully, moon is about to move into Virgo and I get incredibly practical and get tangible practical real world detail oriented shit done when the moon is in Virgo!

But, setting aside the everyday things that need my attention, think again on the astro poets horoscopes for this coming week and let the glow of the promise and beauty in them just wash through you again!!!

"Week of 7/7 in Libra: You are sending a message of light and blue. It’s filled with numbers and feeling. You will be embraced by hope and kindness. You will be blessed with the very words that echo the beauty of your name. Say love and it will matter."

"Week of 7/7 in Pisces: In the night the cries. They are for love. What exactly you made from the intensity of spirit. It’s a song. It’s an overture of care."

  O right! Thinking of which! I very much loved the Hozier cover and was going to reply but then it got very long and rambling run ones and I didn't have a song recommendation and my wordiness is just NOT how most people use social media so then I got self conscious and didn't once I copy pasted it saw how long and rambling I got in my 3am impulsive desire to respond.... But here's what I was going to say! 

"O!!! I really loved this one! 😍 I mean, it's been a favorite song of this night owl who generally sees the sunrise on the wrong side of sleep since I first heard it. I get it stuck in my head quite often and wander around singing the chorus of it more than a girl should admit. So you had that going for you before you even started on learning it. 😆 um, I don't have a request right now, my brain is doing the ADHD deer in the headlights thing where somebody asks you what you like or want and your brain forgets the name of every song you've ever heard. On your entire life. But I'll think on it. I'm going to go back to my late night drinking whiskey neat in my tuath glass listening to the high school kids partying at the end of the circle still lighting off roman candles at nearly 4am now the rain stopped and reading this book on Grace O'Malley and other female pirates of Irish/Scottish/Viking heritage. But I saw this in these wee hours and have watched it several times. So I wanted to say that I very much loved this cover you did and now the original will have to vie with your version for which one the jukebox in my brain randomizes to play whenever this song is in my head. 💖 " 

So that's the reply he did NOT get 24 hours ago despite my impulsive reaction of squeeing joy when I saw it and tapping it all out on my phone before overthinking second guessing keeping it to myself because I wasn't in a head space I could edit down my stream of consciousness whiskey (well scotch -- it was Highland Park Spirit of the Bear blend you can only get at UK duty free) infused ADHD rambling. 

But I have gone back and rewatched the most recent Hozier cover many times now. I liked the first one but didn't know the song, had never heard it til his cover and then the original was in the playlist mix at the Edgar Allan Poe Speakeasy during drink serving break between the monologue performances. And the second was beautifully passionate performance full of heartache and yearning and wishing for something more than what he had -- but I just don't love the song and never had. Like I said, the original song and the story behind it just comes across to me as scarlet letter victim blaming the woman for the mutual friends with benefits booty call relationship they had.... Eric's cover of Wicked Games was passionately gorgeous and I didn't get that vibe from him, my issues are with the original song being misogynist victim blaming the woman for a mutual choice and so it gives me the icks from the original song not Eric but it affects my enjoyment of the cover that I take philosophical issue with the original song. But the Hozier song, I adore that song and sing it all the fucking time as a just because I can relate to it a lot and the chorus is catchy af -- and Eric's cover was so good on that! He hit it perfectly!

And all that IS my truth, though I've still said nothing on his post only liked it. Because my impulsive joy in it was too many words for social media responding. And I still can't think of what song I'd ask for.... I like the joy of discovery and unfolding and happy surprises more than I like giving orders/requests.... Maybe I'll think of something I'd like him to cover. 

I think.... The cover I would most like from him would be.... A song that tells an unexpected truth about him he wishes was known/seen. 

Which isn't a song request from me by name, it's an introspective assignment for him, lol. So I certainly can't put THAT publicly on social media as a reply..... But see. To me, no matter how gorgeous a job he does or how he connects to something in the song, a cover I or anyone requests is hiding behind a mask of what I or someone else projects onto him -- a cover of his introspective choosing is finding a way to show a part of his unseen/unrecognized truth instead of the projection people WANT him to be. 

Maybe I'll find a way to reply to him without ADHD enthusiastic run-on sentences or asking too much vulnerability in a public social media comment.....but, also, I most likely won't and he will just have to make do with only my like react among the hundreds of others (but at least I'm now seeing them to have reactions.) Because if you ask me what I think would sound great for your voice or would be a fun challenge to get your take on a song, I can give you a list. And it will be long and unexpected but somehow exactly right. But if you ask what I want to hear, my answer is always going to be to request a something that you introspectively genuinely connect to in a raw real authentic way rather than the mask of projection of what I want to hear from you. I'm really bad at requests I want to hear unless it's part of constructing a narrative/flow framework of a set list/playlist.... Because I'm attracted to what's authentic in people shines through the art, not the false masks and projection facades people wear.

Also though. I suck at picking favorite anythings.... you should try asking me my favorite book sometime. 😂 Watch the ADHD panic set in deer in the headlights mode as I literally can't think of any book I have ever read, let alone loved, in my entire life. Asking me for favorites is generally panic inducing pressure for me -- conversations around what I like/dislike and why and what gets me excited are conversations that work way better than asking me for a favorite or recommendation or request, lol. 

“I have seen many storms in my life. Most storms have caught me by surprise, so I had to learn very quickly to look further and understand that I am not capable of controlling the weather, to exercise the art of patience and to respect the fury of nature.”~Paulo Coelho

I know that it's always been a part of me to be hard on myself for where I perceived my own failings while not caring about the rest of the world's judgements. But the last couple years I've been much harder on myself than my wont. I'm uncertain whether I got worse about that sort of harsh mental self talking habit following my dog refusing to eat then dying and me blaming myself that a 15 year old dog got old and wouldn't let me keep energy healing her because I was draining me too much and then she died without a proper diagnosis other than her refusal to eat OR if I've always done it to a certain extent but the process of grieving/forgiving myself for my own guilt/self-blame that my old dog dying the way she chose to die after a long happy life somehow made me a bad/irresponsible pet mom simply brought to my attention what was always within me as a recovering perfectionist with undiagnosed/unmedicated ADHD (a recipe for disaster tbh) and my healing process after the grieving is what brought it to my attention as something in me to work on. 

I don't know.... But I know that it was AFTER he was able to reach me once more down the bond starting back in Aug/Sept that I noticed this about me. And I know that it was one of the times I was being cruel to myself about having been a horrible person/pet owner for not being able to save an old dog from dying that I was feeling a bit of a waste and as a result pushing him away telling myself that I wasn't what he desired/was looking for to find his happiness in this life. And it was during my time of disbelief/incomprehension pushing back at the reopening of the bond with him reaching down it toward me and me responding by telling myself that I wasn't what he wanted especially given he was so sure he was in love with someone else so I didn't understand how/why he was able to reach me down the bond given the restrictions I had on it, and I got push back down the bond from him that was essentially, "I know my own truth and have come to understand my own heart and what I want, you're wrong if you tell me that you're no part of that." And between his insistence push back down the bond and after the Morrigan told me that my defenses were still there and I was a fool if I couldn't figure out how he was reaching me again given that, I started noticing the pattern in me that when I was upset with myself or just being cruel to myself in my self talk it would manifest in pushing him away with the assumption that I wasn't what he wanted or sought and then pushing him away trying to deny the bond.  

And I didn't like that.  Once I saw it, I deemed it was cruel and unfair and hurtful to him and I didn't want to be that way toward him and didn't want to continue being guilty of that.

So I decided it was a pattern/habit in me that I didn't like and it wasn't healthy and it was actively harmful -- so that's when I started working on facing it head on and digging it out of the way I let me be. And it was during the process of recognizing that and realigning to let him decide for himself what he desires and to trust him to know that AND revising my own self talk when I didn't think I had lived up to an ought to (internal or externally mediated ought tos) that I came across the self-love concept, of examining how you talk to yourself and asking, "Would I speak to anyone I love that way? Would I allow anyone else to speak to someone I love that way? So why do I allow me to treat me that way?" And that has been a very useful approach for me to give myself more grace and be kinder in how I treat my own self when I fall short somehow without excusing things that I could/should have done better and can try to do better in the future. 

But that's sort of the process of how I started noticing and choosing to work on this way of being and calling it out as part of the process of reducing it and trying to heal the parts in me that have allowed me to behave that way. it's a process and old modes of interaction patterns are hard to break (even when it's modes of interaction with oneself)

I've been a bit worse about it recently for two reasons. 1) money IS tight with everything more expensive and condo dues going up this year (AGAIN!) and spending too much money on credit card for Audrey (trying to tempt her to eat and especially vet bills) and that's making me feel like I'm somehow failing at life in the modern world and not adulting the way I should be by this age and 2) When Spock stopped eating back in May/June (which I solved by softening his kibble in water til he was ready to go back to hard kibble by his own choice) and was showing the early kidney issues that were worse when they first started than they are now, it brought back up in me that sense of being an irresponsible bad pet owner from when Audrey got sick (instead of acknowledging that my cat is 15 years old showing early signs of kidney failure for the first time at 15 years old shows extremely GOOD care and responsibility of my fur baby across a long span of time.) I'm still working on healing and being better when it is triggered to fall into the old patterns/habits around self worth and telling myself I'm not what he wants or is seeking, but it HAS been triggered a bit more again the last couple months by things that have nothing to do with anything he has said or done.

Compared to how I was before, I'm doing far better at recognizing it and shutting it down from cycling more and more toxic when it has been triggered -- but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't happened at all in recent months. And I do think it's important to say it's OTHER things in my life that have been triggering it inside me, not anything he has said or done or chosen that triggered me spiraling into that way of thinking/feeling about myself and the bond and believing assumptions about his wants/needs.

And I just think it's important to acknowledge these things about it and to keep working on it so it doesn't continue to spiral to a point that it is negatively impacting my own self talk and how I react to him down the bond when he's literally just reaching down it from a place of love. (Like he is right now and has been for the last half hour or so, very intensely pouring love down the bond to me and strengthening the bond from his side. Not certain why, just know is.) 

I mean, it's not fun doing the shadow work and working on this -- but it's something of my own making how i have let myself be which means it must be of my own healing to fix it in me. Also, I suppose I'm grateful that I found this pattern in me so I could work on it before the inner saboteur could do any further damage to harm the growth and healing and building that he's been doing toward embracing the bond as being central to both of us and both consciously choosing the bond and each other and rapprochement to each other, hopefully to get to ACTUAL reunion and being together in the actual everyday not just the inner bond.

I ain't asking him to LIKE it when I get cruel to myself and it spills over into questioning/believing I'm not what he would want for himself -- I sure as hell don't like it. but I'm acknowledging it and working on reducing it and healing it and that includes admitting when it happens and feeling I owe an apology for it.  And that me acknowledging it and feeling remorse and doing the shadow work around it will make things better for the both of us allow greater healing and love and joy, both short and long term. 

I believe the discovering this and choosing to heal/change it by sitting in inaction when it tries to shift my course is actively helping me and thus both of us be able to act and react and choose and live from the place of love where we can be our best versions of ourselves, for ourselves and each other.

It'll be alright and we'll get there.  I don't know when we'll get there or how it will unfold but if I examine inside my heart and soul there's a certainty that we WILL get there and it's closer than I think. I'm not entirely sure where that faith was (re)born from, but also he does seem to continuously affirm it in his choices and communication (even when that's been limited) since Aug/Sept -- all I know is that it's solidly certain and I'm conscious it's there at all times except when caught in the self sabotaging pattern.

Sometimes you just need to face the storm, even when it's within you of your own making, to reach the sunbeams on the other side. 

Also. I love this quote and every time it crosses my path, it reminds me of the version of myself I aspire to be and the sort of love that I choose to embody and participate in creating/growing:

“Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.”~Wes Angelozzi

I'm trying to get better because I haven't been my best. She took a plain black marker, started writing on my chest. She drew a line across the middle of my broken heart, And said: "Come on now, let's fix this mess" We could get better, Because we're not dead yet. It's just a knot in the small of your back, You could work it out with your fingers. It's just a tune that got stuck in your head, You could work it out with your fingers. It's just some numbers tangled up in your sums, You could work it out with your fingers. It's just a simple braille missive from the person you miss, A reminder you could always be, A little bit better than this. So try and get better and don't ever accept less. Take a plain black marker and write this on your chest. Draw a line underneath all of this unhappiness, Come on now, let's fix this mess. We can get better -- Because we're not dead yet! We can get better -- Because we're not dead yet!

It's raining and I have the windows and balcony door open to listen to it and breathe it in. My head/heart feels clearer than it's been in a little while around some of the things that have been a bit of a mess inside me. What is it about rain (and snow) that cleanses and makes everything clearer? Maybe it's the Pisces rising and Scorpio stellium in me, but I've always found something joyous and rejuvenating to bring clarity in the rain/snow or even just in taking a shower or sitting by a fountain or waterfall. I always feel renewed by the fall of water through air....  Like, if you've ever seen me when I'm outside and it starts raining, all i will ever want to do is take off my shoes and dance barefoot in the puddles and the mud til I'm soaked to the skin and I'll just be glowing reborn within my own inner light of joy. Every time. It's like that inside me every time it rains or snows, especially if I go out in it and get to feel the falling water soak into my being..... 

Maybe it's just a me thing, but for ME, everything tangled and anxious and confused inside my head relaxes and the bubbling optimistic joie de vivre in my heart takes over relaxes all the knotted tangles and all of me feels renewed reconnected to my higher self and soul's light. If you've ever seen me dancing in the rain, you've seen it -- that shiny soul light is me at my most connected and renewed centered in myself.

So even though you've gotten a bit again recently, given it's been raining since about 1am and I'm feeling quite clear inside me more than I have across the recent sunny days that have had me a bit twisted up overthinking.... Right now, I feel I should be more clear about something I mentioned again recently said I needed to go into more. Because I've brought it up a couple times. And I'm feeling that I have inadvertently muddled things up rather than letting them sit to become clear.

I've said a few times that I've been very hard on myself for the recent while because I've just had a lot of stressors from adulting on me of late and it's made me question and be harder on the bond to Eric and it's unfair to him when I get like that. And it's true. But it's also not an all the time constant thing. I'm not ALWAYS hating on myself or being harsh on me or pushing him away via the bond thinking he doesn't want me, just that I'm doing it more than I typically would and more than I would LIKE to be or think I should be because I'm scraping by struggling quite a bit with some things (a lot of it around trying to make ends meet right now which I'm struggling with, even with my parents helping out with a lot of things including recent unexpected big ticket things like the car and the fridge dying) and it's rippling into discontent with other things (like me being out of shape) with me not doing much to improve it (I know that literally all I have to do is exercise more) because I'm migrainey/light headed a lot these months (which makes taking on a part time job or something to help the money constraints tricky because I can't predict when migraine/syncope issues may be problematic for me unless I know there will be a specific trigger) and hard to motivate myself to do anything when I get too hard on myself....

Like I said, it's not ALL the time. MOST of the time I'm my normal shiny bubbly happy optimistic self and manage to make things work so far... But sometimes I get to dwelling on it and worrying and not knowing how it's going to work out and also sometimes it makes me not see my better qualities because all I can see are the glaring defects that make life in the modern world hard living by myself with the fur babies to take care of. I can SEE what's going on in macro economics and societally and across the globe and in cpi (especially for food) and how everyone is struggling and I recognize that as much as I feel like I'm barely treading water many MANY people are way worse... But also I just feel like I ought to be not so close to the "one little thing and everything crumbles because the center can't hold" because I'm old enough now I OUGHT to be a real adult.... 

And, I've realized that when I can't see my own better qualities and I just see where I feel I'm failing from the version of me I OUGHT to be, then it gets hard for me to believe anybody else might see me any other way than the overly critical perfectionist lens I see myself through trying to meet all the impossible standards I feel I'm failing at.  I think everyone does this sometimes, when we get too self critical in ways that tear ourselves down rather than help us find ways to be better improve ourselves, it gets hard for anyone in that state to see all the good beautiful things others see/think/feel about us. I'm not as prone to it as some people, it's not a chronic state of being with me, but I'm coming to recognize that when I fall into that way of being, it feels very all encompassing "NOBODY could see me as anything other than all these ways I fall short from where I think I OUGHT to be..." And that this has also shown up as projection onto Eric that my fears could be his truth and of course he doesn't want me isn't seeking me because he can do so much better than the worst I see in myself .....

And that doesn't make it TRUE about how other people see or feel about me (or anyone in this mindset), it's just it's the way I BELIEVE and PROJECT onto them while I'm stuck in that perfectionist hyper critical of myself "not good enough" mindset.

And THAT is what I am accusing myself of projecting onto Eric, the "not good enough" view of myself -- and that's what I'm trying to make myself be better at curtailing if/when it crops up. It's what I'm talking about when I say I need to not assume about his feelings but instead try to listen to him and what he ACTUALLY says/does/chooses/makes known. Because sometimes my reactionary impulses and overthinking is not about anything he says or does that makes me push him away when I get to thinking "I'm not what he wants, how could I be? So I need to make me accept that and stop lying to myself pretending the bond is something that pulls at him as well as me" -- it's just literally about that perfectionist part in my brain being a hard ass on myself telling me all the ways I'm not measuring up to where I think I ought to be and then projecting that feeling onto assuming others also only see my worst failings and falling short and not good enoughs.... 

And. The thing is. I don't LIKE that in me, I am trying to work on self compassion to be less that way with myself. I AM trying. I know it might not look like it from outside me because it's a process not an instantaneous change, but I'm trying and I AM calling out myself when I recognize I'm trying to hold myself to standards I'd never use for anyone else especially anyone I care about. I don't always succeed, I think only a narcissist with a massive ego could ever say they NEVER get hyper critical hard on themselves for where they feel they weren't good enough a version of themself as they could have been or should have been... But I'm trying to be kinder that I'm trying my best and I can always be better if I just trust the process of STRIVING to be a better version of me that doesn't let myself and others down and gets incrementally better at the balls I can barely juggle in the past/present.

So why have I been bringing it up so much in recent months?

Well. Maybe I shouldn't. But. It's dishonest to pretend that I don't still struggle with it even while trying to work on it. Honesty means sharing the harder truths not just the happy facades and good things. And if I want to be honest, that means being honest about the good and the not so good AND being accepting with myself about both being true.

But more importantly... It's been because....Even when I'm hardest on myself, over the last almost a year since he unexpectedly broke through to reach me again end of last Aug, I've been really intentional focusing on reminding myself that the bond is OURS not mine and I need to treat it more like a tuned string that pulls equal tension on both ends and respect how the relations to the bond affects his feelings and his authentic soul self. Which means that WHEN I wobble or when I push him away or tell him down the bond that I'm lying to myself when I think I could be anything he's wanting/seeking, I have to believe he feels that vibration resonate down the bond just the same as I feel his intense emotions. The same way I feel his love down the bond when he focuses it and he feels mine when I send it to him.... And the conclusion of that I then draw is this: If he felt the wobble or the pulling away, the hurt that makes in him (even if he understands it's temporary, still any sense of rejection hurts) will only be made worse by me trying to pretend or ignore that it happened rather than acknowledging/explaining its reason/cause. I recognize that sometimes people feel things for absolutely no explicable reason and even while feeling them they recognize the feelings are unfair and wrong headed and cruel and sometimes I'm as guilty of that as other people can be -- not because I want to be but because people are complicated and messy and we all require grace for the not our best versions of ourselves that we sometimes are. That it's not about NEVER having those feeling/thoughts/moments, it's about how you acknowledge and pick up the pieces and handle those waves when they rise up inside you -- it's who you are when they happen and what you do in the aftermath of them that defines your character, not never feeling some sort of inexplicable seeming way. 

So, while me bringing it up could make it feel more tumultuous or frequent to anyone who doesn't have that bond and the tugging of every feeling inside me (especially the ones related to him he feels stronger because he's a focus of it) -- part of me trying to be better about acknowledging the bond is ours AND more honest balanced kinder to myself when I get too hard on myself means that I'm trying to be honest that it happened, that there was the wobble or the bigger waves or the pulling away from him because I get it into my head that I'm not what he wants or I'm somehow not good enough to some arbitrary standards so therefore how could I believe he would desire me in his life? because if he's going to feel it anyway when I get like that, the only reassurance I can give after I've been like that pulling away from him and the bond gets stretched uncomfortably taut discordant is to be honest acknowledge, "yes, that happened. I'm sorry. I'm trying to make it happen less and be better/kinder to myself and you and trust you know your own heart and soul and what you want and that I can wait til I learn what that is. I'm not perfect yet, but I'm trying and will continue to try to be better than that version of myself." 

And also, we mirror each other so much, especially in our inner selves, that a pendulum swing in one of us because of waves of emotion causes a reactionary swing in the other and it just augments the uncertainty at sea not able to figure out what to do in the both of us. So I decided that instead of letting my emotional waves from being unkind to myself then projecting that on him keep rocking the boat, a better way was to acknowledge the wave as it happened but not to let it change the course or fatelines as a reaction to the waves. To instead keep things steady in inaction by acknowledging but then waiting for things to calm to observe the ACTUAL lay of things and where we CHOOSE to head rather than wherever the emotional waves/reactions might careen us to land. I won't say it's EASY given my natural impulsive intuitive nature, but it's brought a lot more serenity and a sense that even though there isn't much evidence of rapprochement in the REAL quotidian world, there's significant progress being made in both of us in our INNER worlds that are drawing our fatelines and life paths ever closer together and shifting the divine timing closer and closer than we could ever hope for it to be if we both just kept mirroring and reactionary running every time we felt some sort of way..... Maybe I'm wrong, but that's my deep intuitive read of what's happening in the currents that are stronger than the surface waves of where we're headed and the time remaining to get there -- and it's a core part of the calm at the center I hold onto during the waves when they get strong and gives me the strength to wait them out and right the boat and acknowledged the waves that rocked it without letting them shift course or lose faith in the currents deeper and stronger than anything else if they're just trusted....

It's not perfect, but what within the mortal world is? And, maybe it makes me seem like I'm being harder on me than I am because I'm acknowledging it out loud here when I recognize the pattern happening more than I used to talk about it. But i think the calling it out is just as important a step as doing the inner work digging out from it....  I do think I'm getting better at it, just by calling myself out about it and feeling genuine remorse over the hurt of it, it may seem like it's worse because I'm being more vocal about the truth of it having happened and my remorse over it and my attempting to be a better version of myself and how I'm trying to really do that not just say it. 

So I'm being more consciously aware of when I'm being that way and pulling myself short recognizing why it was wronging him to think/feel that way AND making sure I acknowledge it to myself and thus to echo down the bond to him what was going on inside me because I don't WANT him sitting in the space of wondering if he was imagining it or what he did to make it happen (as opposed to something inside me overthinking/not being nicest to myself causing the shift) or anything like that which if I were him feeling those vibrations down the bond, I would do wondering about the shift in the bond vibe and/or what I did wrong to make it happen. And I don't feel like he deserves that sort of overthinking when it's about me working on me and my own bad habits not best me I could be but how could he know that if I'm not honest about it happening and the why of it happening? Just because we can both feel the emotions/reactions/overthinking of the other down the bond doesn't mean we can feel the WHY of it, just the ISNESS of it... And sometimes we need some outside illumination of the why to not take as deeply personal to heart the isness.

Does that make sense?

It's also why I've been trying to be so clear that I AM feeling/thinking these ways but that I'm still sitting in non action returning to center to try to observe HIM and his ACTUAL feelings/desires/choices rather than projecting the tides of my own emotions/overthinking onto him and then acting/over-reacting as a result of the projection rather than a choice based on his ISNESS at this space/time in our life paths.  To acknowledge the inner waves of feelings and overthinking while not acting from those waves but only choosing to do action when I'm sure the action is based on TRUE observations rather than skewed perspective lens of emotion/anxiety/overthinking.  Because the more important something is, the more important it is that you either listen to first intuitive instinct and if that's gotten all twisted round confused then you have to wait and try to untangle it until you get to a place you're seeing what IS clearly rather than what you're projecting from either hopes or fears that obscure the isness. And, well, we've gone and complicated everything so much that acting on our instinctive intuitive desires is all so much more difficult than it ever should have been given the Gordian knot we both made of our overthinking choices in the past and how it's gotten us to this present.  So even though I'm generally a creature of impulsive intuition guidance, that's just harder right now than it ever should have been and so since what I know my impulsive intuitive WANTS of me just doesn't feel appropriate, I'll try the more reflective zen discipline approach waiting to understand his truth and what he genuinely wants would choose for himself rather than reactionary to whatever waves of overthinking anxieties shift about inside either of us.  So far it seems to be leading to calmer waters with faster currents to bring us nearer to reunion sooner and sooner than the fatelines and life paths we had before when over-reacting was making every emotional wave overturn the boat and redirect course every time one or the other of us felt some sort of way... Honesty of the emotional waves isness to work on healing what caused such a ruckus in the heart in believing it COULD be truth without letting the overthinking and the feelings they raise up out of the deeps redirect course in overreacting feels to me like a better way forward. And that's the idea of the inaction coupled with observation/opportunities waiting for him to be ready to share his ACTUAL desires/choices if he could choose anything, his isness, so I'm making my own choices based on TRUTH rather than assumptions or hopes or worst of all fears guiding them.

We both deserve better than we have had and we both deserve better from each other. I don't blame either of us -- I'm generally not interested in blame because the blame game doesn't fix any damn thing and just makes everyone feel defensive and shitty about themselves and/or the other person(s) involved. I AM interested in responsibility taking and ownership of past choices because it's the only way to repair what broke and to try to make choices to not repeat mistakes of the past -- you can't build better if you refuse to try to understand how/why something broke and to reinforce and fix the former weak points. It's as true with people as it is with physical engineering -- you ain't never gonna fix inherent weakness in your building material if you keep blaming the weather rather than redesigning to reinforce the weak points of the wood/metal you're working with if you ain't willing to replace an integrally important piece of material. Just so, you have to acknowledge where people have been not their highest self and why/how they fell into worse versions of themselves so you can try to find ways to be better AND to accommodate for the times you fail at being the better you that you strive to be. So I don't blame him and I don't blame me for the heartaches and missteps of the past -- but I'm sure as hell tired of repeating them. Ain't you? So no blame, just responsibility taking for how we can choose and be better (both individually and hopefully together one of these days,non?) than what we have been in the past. At the end of the day, we got to where we have been by the choices and reactions we BOTH made. Not just one of us, we both had agency in how we got to where we have been. Likewise, we both have agency in where we go from here where we are now. So, I'd rather put my energy into finding different modes of interaction and different ways of being that may still be imperfect but are works in progress that are better than the ways that didn't work -- I'm more interested in not repeating old patterns and getting to where we both WANT to be and would choose to be if only we could damn well get ourselves there. So even if the steps are little and the progress slow and sometimes there's waves of backsliding, holding onto the goal of where we're TRYING to get and the plan for how to be better versions of ourselves acting from better choices than the past is really all I ask of myself in this situation at this time. I'm not EXPECTING an unrealistic Hollywood script with nothing real in the foundations -- I want to rebuild from the internal foundations in each of us consciously choosing to be better and to work toward reunion by being ever better versions of ourselves towards ourselves and toward each other. I want something that can last, not something that will have a beautiful moment and then shrivel up in a blaze of self-consuming fire til we both have nothing left but ashes and more heartache.

Is that what he wants? I don't know. And I can't know for certain until he's ready to say, in his own time and way, what it is he does want and choose for himself this life. But I do know it's what I want. And I'm tired of self sabotaging what I actually want in reactionary choices to what I get it into my head to ASSUME he desires without KNOWING his actual desires. So I'll do what work is within my power toward what I know I desire and I'll try to hold that course and work on the shadow work of what in me is unhealed while navigating the waves within the ambiguity of not knowing for certain what he wants. But yeah, it is EASIER for me to hold to the inner tranquility of inaction until I have something definite by holding onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, we're desiring the same thing and if we hold onto that course and work on ourselves for now  as foundation to being better versions of ourselves than we have been, then we can keep getting closer and closer toward the mutual goal until we finally get to reunion where we both have complete clarity about what we each desire/choose this life. And maybe if we keep using that course of knowing our own hearts desires and honestly acknowledging the emotional waves that used to set us careening away from each other as the places where we have shadow work to heal ourselves still but not letting them move us to reactionary actions, then maybe the somewhere/somewhen of it happening is sooner than either of us hoped or expected. Maybe it won't, but maybe it will. And o but wouldn't that be magical if it does?!?! It will feel like magic, if it works, even though it's the foundations built by our own choices to be better moving forward than we were in the past. And I would love to see it be real!!! 

And if it isn't like that, if it really is all just my imagining and wanting? Well, that would sting terribly and be a brutal bump back down to reality -- but I still would be better than I had been for putting in the inner work. And the brighter one shines their own light, the more of the same you attract to you so I'd be likelier to find my actual polar bear the bond is to and to be able to build a life of mutual love and respect together. So nothing lost by letting myself fuel the desire to be better versions of myself by the hope of it while waiting to find out the actual truth. And what will I do if there's never anything tangible from him, without him making choices to actually be in my life instead of him choosing everyone and everything other than me? Well then I'll just keep doing what I'm doing now, sitting in inaction relative to him while working on what I find in me that needs healing and pouring my love and energy into everyone and everything that DOES choose me and chooses to be in my life. Ball's still in his court and his choices if he wants to be any part of that -- because part of sitting in inaction waiting for something tangible rather than assuming is that I'm not going to try to force him or anyone else to heal what was broken or to be in my life if they don't want to be, I will accept PRECISELY what he chooses and the cause and effect consequences of those choices as the most tangible I'm gonna get then. If that's his choice, then I will just focus on who and what does choose me and not bother my pretty little head about who or what he does have in his life if I'm no part of it, In the absolute worst case of that, neither he nor anything he created nor anyone he did choose would exist to me. I can't say I LIKE those options, but I've still asked the questions and arrived at those answers.

Perhaps it's imperfect and maybe it's still not enough... but it's the best I've got right now, and it's certainly better than it was when I was swinging wildly between the battles between my head and my heart and the assumptions they tried to make me believe without any evidence. So I'll keep on at it until I can figure out a better way of living peaceably with my head and my heart and my soul all in balance from a place of love.

(I did TELL you that I'm an eternal optimist and that I have always failed at pessimism in spite of my streaks of honesty and stoicism. The best optimism is the kind that doesn't build on lies, it's the "we can be better, because we're not dead yet" variety.)

[Post title: lyrics to the Frank Turner song Get Better.]

May/June Book List

Whoops! Been busy enough that I definitely didn't think to post this. My bad... I still have some books in process, *cough* Plutarch's Live *cough*, but as per usual they'll just go in the books read once they're fully read, y'know?  Anyway, I realized and decided to finish it up and post it now since tonight I'm just staying at work til the wee hours or sunrise when I'll head home. (It's all depending on if I lose track of time and it gets too late/early AND how late it is when I finish watering all my indoor plants, which I haven't really started yet because also working on the end of month deposit tonight)

I actually think that once again I didn't read as much as usual for me. I didn't read much while at my sister's or while busy at concerts or driving to shows -- I tend to only read in cars when I'm not the one driving. With the ADHD, I have absolutely no circadian rhythm or sleep cycle unless it's externally imposed on me (like when kids and thus family are involved) so if you give me sugars and enough caffeine it helps me focus but not so much caffeine it makes me sleepy, then I am wide awake chipper happy to late night or early morning drive while my body/mind are full of post concert/show dance endorphins and thinking about the experience. So I generally drive whenever headed somewhere out of town -- and really the only factor for how far/late I'm willing to drive is generally that it's a bad idea for ANY woman (even if she is martial arts trained and has a knife on her) to have to stop for fueling up the car or bathroom breaks by herself. So it means that any plans that involve driving, generally assume I'm driving. I don't mind other people driving, but I like highway driving and I don't get tired late at night or early morning or too many hours awake as easily as most people do. But it does mean that unless I'm flying or someone else is driving, when I'm traveling a lot for shows/events, it's taken out of reading time opportunities.

 

Books Read: 

~Bill Watterson & John Kascht, The Mysteries [This is a claymation/photography art book parable for adults written by the long quiet author of Calvin & Hobbes ; don't necessarily need to own it but you should read it. especially if you're into existentialism and understanding the human place in the universe and concerns about rising authoritarianism and non scientific method twisting of science into technocrat social constraints.]

~Toni Morrison, Beloved (275 pgs) 

~Travis Novitsky & Annette S. Lee, Spirits Dancing: The Nights Sky, Indigenous Knowledge, & Living Connections to the Cosmos (154 pgs) [this is a stunningly gorgeous well thought out designed book and I like that it talks about the scientific understanding of the aurora borealis AND the various tribal teachings/stories about them.]

~Roger L. Welsch (ed.), Mister, You Got Yourself a Horse: Tales of Old-Time Horse Trading (207 pgs)

~Clark Ashton Smith, The Dark Eidolon and Other Fantasies (370 pgs)

~Patricia A. McKillip, The Sorceress and the Cygnet (248 pgs) [I love her fantasy novels dearly, even though they often are tales of the mythic as much hidden as seen and never fully unfold to explain themselves. They are to be understood in the heart and the soul and the knowing of mythos beyond time itself, never by the head or linear logic unfolding. But I do love her fantasy novels and the glimpses they give into the unending Divine.]

~Edward Albee, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (242 pgs)

~edited by Kathleen Hoagland, 1000 Years of Irish Poetry (768 pgs) [I read the first section back in August, the second section at some point over the winter, and picked this back up in March after finishing the book of Black poetry I started during Black History Month and after finishing the third section decided to go ahead finish the last and longest section of poems across April/May]

~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (210 pgs)

~Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves (520 pgs) [I wanted to love this book, it's beloved by so many witchy wild women and there are quotes from it I love. But overall? It tries too hard and has nothing behind most of its assertions. I was disappointed by it more than anything else. But also it grew on me sometimes. It tries too hard and imposés it's own confines of what she thinks the world is/should be as a woman. But sometimes she gets things exactly right and the insight she give is profound. Or perhaps, sometimes the insights she has are not for me. Or maybe just not yet for me. Or most accurately, not currently for me.]

~Voltaire, L'ingénu (159 pgs)

~Jean Giraudoux, The Madwoman of Chaillot (69 pgs) [This was a remarkably funny little farce of a magical realism play and I think it would be a lot of fun to see it staged or even a modernized film version of it. I don't remember when I picked this play up secondhand, but I'd never read it before and I've never seen it staged and I would really love to see it staged...]

~Lang Leav, Self-Love For Small-town Girls (200 pgs) [I was disappointed in this. There have been so many of her poems and books of poems that I have loved that rang of truth echoes in me, but this newest one was just banal and I didn't connect to any of them. Not sure if this is because of changes in me or changes in her as a writer, but it left me underwhelmed and disappointed.]

~Good Wives and Warriors, Mythopedia: An Encyclopedia of Mythical Beasts and Their Magical Tales (128 pgs)

~Blake Crouch, Dark Matter (395 pgs) [this book was incredible. Not sure what took me so long to finally get around to reading it, but thoroughly loved it couldn't put it down. Highly recommend, especially if you're into the idea where quantum mechanics and philosophy of free will intersect in theories of multi verses based on choices. It's a page turner delightful quick read that's written in a fast paced not super dense style -- once I got over the weird synchronicities of it like one of the central characters having my name and a pivotal event to her in one of the timelines happening on my birthday, I finished it very quickly. Or at least, it's quick if you can hold your own in discussions contemplating quantum superposition, dark matter, string theory, philosophical thoughts on free will, true love shining between two matched souls across all the timelines, and you can keep track of multiverse storylines and character arcs. Anyway, even if you can't quite keep up with all that but love the ideas of them, read this novel -- it will make your brain and heart happy! This is the first novel of his I've read, I picked it up at a bookstore in the Seattle area a couple years ago, but damn now I have to find more of his works!!]

~Ursula K. Le Guin, Gifts (286 pgs)

~Ursula K. Le Guin, Voices (341 pgs)

~Ursula K. Le Guin, Powers (502 pgs)

~Mark Dunn, Ella Minnow Pea (208 pgs) [This was short but unexpectedly denser than i expected because it got darker than expected about human social breakdowns under short sighted dogmatic authoritarianism. It's a good thinking and "what if" book about human nature under certain types of circumstances and how easily people are cowed into conformity until it's too late to fight back.]

~Richard Wilhelm (Ed), The Chinese Fairy Book (213 pgs)

~Catherine Raven, Fox and I (311 pgs) [I very much enjoyed this non-fiction memoir/nature book. It was like a breath of fresh air and a retreat into a cabin in the woods even when you were in the middle of busy city areas or even busy places like airports/airplanes that are nowhere near retreating to a cabin in the wilderness. But, spoiler alert warning: I don't cry easily, but this is a book that made me cry. Multiple times. So go into it with that understanding about what you're getting into reading this book. It's beautiful, but it will make you care so deeply you will cry at certain parts of it.]

~Rumi, Rumi's Little Book of Love (229 pgs)

Books Acquired: 

I was VERY good these last couple months, didn't buy any books at all for all of May and half of June -- not until my trip out to Seattle and then only one airport book and about half dozen from the spiritual bookstore Cath Cath and I visited in Edmonds (it was called East West Bookstore, or something like that.) You will likely be able to tell which ones those are as they are pretty well all new age or Native American or Asian spirituality related texts, lol. I also bought three plays form the Touchstone Theatre gift shop of plays that will be shown in that theatre and will be picking up the ones from Up the Hill that I don't yet own at one or the other gift shop this coming Friday when I'm next at Americna Players Theatre to see this season's production of Much Ado About Nothing. Other than those handfuls of books/playbooks, all the rest were acquired free from little libraries tbh.

~Sharon Blackie, The Enchanted Life: Unlocking the Magic of the Everyday [I'm very excited to read this one! When I was peeking through it, it reads like how I talk when I'm sitting in my highest self and my best most magical version of myself. So I'm going to save it for a time when I lose contact with that normal bright shiny happy me because life in the modern world is HARD and it's only going to get harder with the rising authoritarian everywhere, not just US. Go check out the elections in France and Germany and Italy and all over Europe.... We're entering the 30s with both the US and Europe looking like it hasn't since, well, leading into the 1930s.... So hearing words that remind me of my inner truest self is something I and everyone is going to need in coming years.]

~Harold Courlander, The Fourth World of the Hopis 

~Nathan Alan Davis, Nat Turner in Jerusalem

~Jasper Fforde, The Eyre Affair 

~John (Fire) Lame Deer & Richard Erdoes, Lame Deer Seeker of Visions [I already owned a copy of this and thought I might, but it was only $1 on sale cart outside at East West. The $1 copy has photos from his life story, the one I already owned has a good introduction about Lame Deer and his tribe's beliefs about the sacred vision quests and spiritual meaning of the badlands to various plains Indian tribes. I may end up keeping both editions even though the bulk of the texts are identical.... Otherwise I need to determine if the introductory essay or the pictures are more important to me... Maybe I'll find a third copy relatively cheap that has intro AND pictures so I can have both in one volume and get rid of both these two, lol.]

~ Little Golden Book, Figment [My sister picked this up for me along with a very adorable very huggable Figment plush stuffed animal while they were at Disney World during the Creative Arts Festival which Figment is the mascot for that festival. I always loved Figment and the Imagination ride as a kid so she was very excited over all the Figment related everything and bringing me back souvenirs that weren't all branded for the event with my beloved purple and orange dragon from childhood visits to Epcot. She also brought me two of the clear plastic (NOT dishwasher safe!) glasses with Figment painted on them that they were selling specialty smoothies in during the festival. She also picked up copies of the Figment book for both Mo who wanted a copy for herself and Elliot who just loves books almost as much as me even though she's only 2 and can't yet read. It reminds everyone of how I was before I learned to read.]

 ~Deirdre Mullane (ed.), Crossing the Danger Water: Three Hundred Years of African-American Writing

~F. Max Muller (trans.), The Dhammapada [Yes I have other copies of the Dhammapada, but I liked this translation a lot and it was only $5. And also, depending on source materials and what is/isn't included, both the Dhammapada and the Upanishads can be very different texts with very different sutras.]

~Miyamato Musashi, The Book of Five Rings

~Marisela Trevino Orta, Wolf at the Door [This is the script for the first APT play we saw this season; I take in written word differently from spoken/sung word so I like to have both to compare/contrast. Thus I usually like to read/re-read scripts right before or after I see a play, even a script I know well like a lot of Shakespeare plays, so I will be reading this first thing jumping the queue as soon as I finish the book I'm currently in the middle of at home.]

 ~Nick Payne, Constellations

~Nathaniel Philbrick, In the Heart of the Sea: The Tragedy of the Whaleship Essex

~Rebecca Thorne, Can't Spell Treason Without Tea [This is the book that I bought in the Madison airport when I stopped in a souvenir/convenience store to buy cow cheese for the niblings (literally mild cheddar shaped like a cow and wrapped in black wax with a sticker of a cow on it) and to get a fresh pack of gum as mine was super stale and chewing gum is the only thing that helps me with popping/relieving the ear pressure during takeoffs/landings. Anyway, this book looks super cozy fantasy mystery with pretty turquoise edges and it's about like the queen's knight protector and top sorceress just wanting to retire to a cottage run a library b&b serve people tea and read books but the outside world keeps interfering with the plan. It looks like a good rainy/snowy/gray day sit by the fireplace with a glass of red wine or a pour of whiskey/scotch and just hygge it up while ignoring the rest of the world. And while it's the first in a series, it doesn't seem like a series you need to read all at once or re-read old books before reading the new books same as you don't need to re-read murder mystery books generally to just start in on the next in a series.]

~Chase Twichell, Horses Where Answers Should Have Been [this is a poet I've never heard of and found for $4 in the sale cart outside of East West -- and when I did the random page opening "do I like your writing style" poet's test, I fell in love with literally every poem I opened to -- so I'm excited to read this whenever I choose it for my poetry book.]

~James R. Walker,  Lakota Ritual and Belief

Here, stuck on a hill, Outsiders inside the home that we built. The cold settles in, It's been a long winter of indifference. And maybe you love me, maybe you don't, Maybe you'll learn to, and maybe you won't. You've had enough, but I won't give up, On you. I'm late, but I'm here right now. And I'm tryin' to find the magic, That we lost somehow. Maybe I was blind, But I see you now. As we're laying in the darkness. Did I wait too long, To turn the lights back on? I'm late, but I'm here right now. Is there still time for forgiveness? Won't you tell me how? I can't read your mind, But I see you now. As we're layin' in the darkness, Did I wait too long, To turn the lights back on?

Been a few days since last I posted. Busy days in my world but not as busy as originally planned. 

I ended up skipping my cousin's baby shower on Saturday because I didn't feel 100% and parvo which my sister and Jack (and maybe Ellie) had while I was visiting can be really serious complications for pregnant women/fetuses -- not as much in third trimester but still more risk than I was confortable knowingly doing. (This was for my cousin Sabra, so the baby shower was here in Madison. Though coincidentally, my cousin Teddy and his wife Felicia, the cousin whose baby shower was in Green Bay a year or two ago, are ALSO pregnant now with a second baby who is scheduled for c section on July 25 right around Sabra's due date. I have a lot of cousins (and aunts and uncles) to try to keep straight -- I've never yet had a boyfriend who can keep them all straight. Probably doesn't help how similar a lot of names are, lol. Because I have 7 paternal first cousins and 5 maternal first cousins as well as 3 maternal step cousins (my grandma's subsequent marriage kids/grandkids) and I don't even know how many second cousins and cousins once or twice removed etc whoa re too numerous to list...  and other than me and Melissa and Shauna (who may still be with the on again off again abusive ex/bf), all the cousins are married/live in significant other and most of them have kids in the multiples.... Also names somehow get repeated more than they should within my family.... I have an Aunt Linda on my dad's side and Aunt Lynda on my mum's side; my mum has a sister Kath and a step sister Cathy C and a best friend named Cath(y) K. I have a step cousin Jake, a nephew Jack, two of Sasha's sons are named Jack (one goes by Jackie and one by Jackson; both from separate prior marriages before they combined to their household of like half dozen sons.) I have three sister cousins named Sasha, Shauna, and Sabra. So anyway, don't worry about keeping my family all straight, even my closest friends can't and I've never had a boyfriend who could.) 

So anyway, I ended up not going to Sabra's baby shower out of excess of caution. But I DID go to the Edgar Allan Poe Speakeasy theatre performance at the Masonic Center. It was great fun -- four monologues of famous Poe stories each with a themed cocktail and the actors were also the bartenders between monologue vignettes. They did Tell-Tale Heart, The Black Cat, The Raven, and Masque of the Red Death. And since they encouraged cocktail attire or steampunk, I wore a pair of crow/raven earrings and my carnival mask in honor of Masque of the Red Death (curiously no other attendees had chosen to wear a mask, but all four of the male actors complimented me on it and then for the last round of cocktails and performance, the entire cast had their own carnival masks on and the narrator/mc actor gave me a wink when he asked the audience if they remembered their masquerade masks. And yes, all night long I was eye flirting and just straight up flirting flirting with the very tall rakish actor who was the mc -- started when he was rushing past me in the hallway past security and he had to get past me from the front steps welcoming people in to hurry to the stage for the next welcoming scripted part. So he said as he walked past me, "pardon me. On your right fair lady." And he used ren faire actor diction so without pausing a beat, I slipped into it replied, "No worries good sir. Keep on, keep on." And I stepped to the side as I said it and gazed up over my shoulder through my mask and my eyes were bright mischievous twinkling green up at him and he not only did a double take in surprise but stopped still tripped over his own feet before he turned it into a half bow said, "I'll see you again iside m'lady" before hurrying onward past the other people in front of us queueing to get into the theatre choose seats (firat come first serve.) and then we were sitting first row close to center on the right side directly line of sight of him for banter stage interactions and for him to be sure to bring us our drinks and collect the rubbish between rounds. So as the only ones outside the cast who wore a mask and being right up front and my eyes being very intensely green in the theatre lights with me mask on, he had and made many opportunities for flirting with me and I was in the mood for it (even with my parents and best friend with me) because I've been single a long while and getting bored of it even though I want what I want but since I can't seem to have it, well, what harm does a little light flirtation with a tall hot actor I will never see again do to anyone? Especially when it's only some very public light flirting and not even a hug let alone kissing involved in the flirting? *shrugs* as long as a girl is single, she can flirt with any damn being she damn well pleases and you have no right to be upset about that when you don't have the desire or courage to choose to make her yours instead of leaving her to wander this world of chance encounters as a single lady.

I forgot to put on any mascara or any makeup that brings out the green in my color changing eyes til they look forest tree leaf colored instead of the normal sea colored, just imagine how I could have made a man stop and double take if I intentionally brought out the emerald in my eyes to match my mask..... but the effect was still quite pretty sans makeup of any kind and green always brings out the red-gold highlights in my auburn hair. But even without makeup and in the low lighting back at home, you can see how much of the green on my eyes the mask brings out -- it's even morr startling under stage lights and if I put on makeup, lol.

In conclusion: more excuses for masquerades and opportunities to wear masks please and thank you. 

Today, my mum and I had a bit of a mother daughter day (well afternoon and evening.) as previously mentioned, my mum won tickets to Ben Platt and so we headed out early afternoon and stopped at Johnson Creek Outlets halfway to shop Gap and Old Navy. Bought far more clothes than I needed, welly mum bought for me, but got an awesome trench coat at Gap that fits me perfectly (when not in leather/suede jackets, I tend to live in trench coats and peacoats as my jacket season aesthetic -- I actively dislike puffer coats aesthetic, they make me think of like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.) AND I've been needing new snow pants and we found a clearance kids boys xxl that fit me. And a bunch of pants and shorts and tees and a couple cardigans. 

Anyway, we spent so long shopping that we didn't have time for dinner so we just headed straight into downtown Milwaukee to find parking near the Riverside though first I kept trying to drive down to the lake put of a pull toward the lake or habit or something.... (If we had more time, I would have suggested we go down by the lake for a walk, but we didn't.... I actually ended up parking right in front of The Pabst because there was no show there and then we walked along the River Walk, prettier and quieter than walking along city streets if you have to cut between those two venues, which makes it a scary couple blocks down to Riverside Theatre.) The tickets my mum won from Sirius XM were actually quite good -- the set were second row of the balcony center. We got our beers during the happy hour $2 off if more than half hour before start of show.  While waiting, we continued trying to find somewhere open late AND open on Sundays (a lot of Milwaukee area restaurants close early before shows end AND even more are closed on Sundays/Mondays.) My maman did find one in Waukesha (mostly en route home to Madison) called People's Park that is open til bar o'clock with kitchen open til 11pm every night and til midnight on Fri/Sat. 

The opener for Ben Platt this tour is Brandy Clark (who I've heard before and I mostly like her sound because her voice color is very close to early Bonnie Raitt though sometime Brandy Clark goes a bit too dangerously closs on a southern drawl delivery to twanging off key enough to discolor her vocals. Which is why I don't like much white people country style vocals, because they twang off key enough to distort the color timbre off from a true pitch color -- unless they have a LOT of black gospel influence in how they hit notes because then they will ALWAYS hit the half step and quarter step even on a twang.) my mum wasn't so fond of Brandy Clark at all but I enjoyed the set. Funnily enough, right at the start I go, "O! I think that might be Ellen playing with her!" And my mum goes, "who?" And I said, "Ellen Angelico. She toured with Del-- some Nashville artists I've seen before. She's a really incredible multi instrumentalist! So you'll love everything she does even if you arent loving Brandy Clark's vocals." And then right before introing the next song, Brandy introduced Ellen Angelico and my mum was just like, "I shouldn't be surprised you knew who she was. But also you might go to too many concerts when you start remembering and knowing the session musicians who sometimes tour with all different artists..." 

Anyway, it was a delightful happy surprise to see Ellen play tonight, especially as last hurrah for the end of Pride month. I mean, seeing Ben Platt was always going to be an end of Pride month celebration given he's a very openly gay man in the Broadway musical scene who even said as part of his stage banter, "look, if you're here, you're either gay or have anxiety. Or if it's both you win a prize. Which means I get a prize. And if you think it's neither, you should really look deeper into yourself." I guess I fall into the anxious realm, lol. Definitely the overthinking with occasional social anxiety in situations/people that make me overthink. 

And I liked celebrating Pride month by ending it seeing openly lgbtq+ musicians shining it up and owning the stage. I don't really celebrate pride for myself but I have a LOT of dearly beloved family and friends who are so it means something and I'm all about the rainbow glitter and love is love is love embracing of pride wholeheartedly for their sake. I mean, I'd be a hypocrite if I said it was for me given I'm not a lesbian nor am I really bi or pan though I have made out with women before which was fun enough if they were a good kisser but didn't turn me on to want more because I fundamentally get turned on by, well, male parts and male shaped torso to press against and male shaped arms holding me and guy pheromone smells. Not to say I might never be pan find someone of interest despite my decided preference for guy shaped and guy smelling bodies, but also as a heightist who is only ever sexually attracted to people taller than me in my heels (and I'm just under 5'8 without heels) that means that body parts aside, there are simply far fewer women tall enough for me to be sexually interested in to even really consider bi/pan as a sexual orientation. Because it is seriously true about me that I can find someone hot but if they stand up and they aren't taller than me, I immediately lose sexual attraction. I dunno if I'm preprogrammed to like want to birth Nordic viking demigods or something (if I'm going to have kids, should definitely get on that though as not getting any younger and menopause is definitely a thing that will happen to me if we continue waiting too long) but I just have never in my life been sexually attracted to anyone under 5'10-5'11 no matter how hot or kind or funny they are and I definitely prefer somewhere in the 6'0-6'4 range for height. I just always have. I dunno. It's ridiculous, but when it comes to sexual attraction I am very much a heightist... I can't help it. Which might be TMI... But also it's part of my truth. Probably just as well I'm only sexually attracted to men taller than me, keeps a girl out of getting into too much trouble when you are born into a body with eyes as big as mine AND ADHD so you make a lot of eye contact smile a lot AND boobs that are a 28H bra size giving you some real life Jessica Rabbit proportioned curves that nothing can really hide.

Anyway, the show was really great even though I didn't really know the lyrics to any of the songs but the covers. I would definitely go see either or both of them again and there were definitely enough songs of his I liked for me to listen further to Ben Platt. 

After the show was done, we had to head out quickly to try to make it to Waukesha before kitchen closed at People's Park. But the whole time after starting the car, I just kept having this nagging feeling I was forgetting something leaving something important behind.... But I had no idea what it was, only the further from Milwaukee and the closer to Waukesha we got, the more intense became that feeling of having left something important behind.... After we got to People's Park and got our post concert dinner order in, I texted Crissy about the restaurant as a future post concert Milwaukee food option then when I saw no texts from Mikaela (about if she plans to get dropped off Mon morning to hang out with me and the animals) so I opened insta to check for dms from Mikaela since sometimes she insta dms instead of texts forgetting i sometimes just forget social media exists for long spans of time. And on opening insta, the VERY first thing in my Instagram feed was Eric's cover from him in Milwaukee sitting by the lake in the evening light. (Which I must admit I didn't watch, I just reacted to it -- I was at a restaurant with loud music with my mum at the time so wouldn't have been able to listen to it right then. And also, I don't like that song -- never have. I find it musically boring, and lyrically problematic because it's a selfish song and one of using and accusing not one of ownership for ones own actions/choices/feelings. And it gives me the icks reminds me of the Scarlet Letter victim blaming the woman for the man's own choices/actions in how the original songwriter wrote it and the story he gives for the literal booty call from a friends with benefits that it's about.... I know it was a request to cover, and I did watch it later after I got home from Milwaukee and his cover was beautiful from a place of deep emotions -- but that doesn't make me like the song because it's an icky "blame the woman for my own choices and actions" set of lyrics. ) And when I saw he recorded it in Milwaukee that evening my heart just sort of flipped like, "O. Damn.... That's what was the intense pull me wanting to go to the lake even though had no reason to be there... And that's what I felt I was leaving behind forgetting by heading back westward after the show. Well fuck.... Funny he should have decided to come be in the same city I am this evening/night before I head back home...." 

But the thing is, my head has been very full of questioning all of Saturday/Sunday. Questioning what he ACTUALLY wants and if maybe I'm just projecting my own souls wanting where he has none of his own for me in return.... That maybe all my wanting is making me lie to myself, both in dreams and waking. I don't have any answers for that line of questioning.... Technically only he would have the answers, and he's not really communicating anything to make me believe it's anything.more than me projecting my own wanting. I can't know at this time given his choices, I can only assume from what I am able to understand and read from what I see of his choices. And setting aside weird synchronicity of him being in Milwaukee same day as me (maybe he just wanted to avoid the tolls going the more direct route) and my hearts intuitive yearning and sense I was driving away forgetting something behind me, what do I have to consider and understand that points at anything more than my own desires and projections? And why should I give assumptions created from my wanting more credence than the cold hard conclusions of Occam's Razor that all his songs/performances/inner work is about still trying to get over his ex he was so certain he was in love with. And I know I should draw conclusions based on a the actual observation of his choices to understand what he might want, but how can I do that without coloring all of my observations and conclusions by the lens of my own subjective wanting that can too easily lead to projection not objective observation? Y'know? This has been on my mind Sat/Sun, and nothing has passed it, if anything I is feeding growing stronger that I assume too much if I assume he even would remember me let Lone want me enough to choose me or be thinking of me as well.... And I'm feeling a strong push toward karmic realism facing what is and isn't there in reality between us as opposed to the fantasies I want o believe are there but that lack foundations or proofs beyond my wanting them to be true. In which case I should be putting all my energy and time and love into the people and opportunities that ARE showing up in my life and ARE choosing me as of value and mattering to them. But also that could just be the self-sabotaging not nice to myself parts of my head trying to make me believe that I'm not what he wants, he could do better, and I need to accept that as truth.... I can't swear it's not questioning born from that same place of telling myself he wants "not me" and so I should set him free to have the whatever it is he I seeking and actually wants which isn't me .....

Anyway. I'm not tired yet and I don't yet know if Mikaela is getting dropped off between 8am and 9am today.  So I'm just going to stay up drinking tea and reading with the balcony door and windows open to the cool summer night air and the frog/cricket choirs until we reach bird song o'clock. I might put some music on in a bit, I'd like music but the cat is curled up asleep on my lap so I'm not getting up from this chair any time soon here, lol. 

Also though. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm still thinking about the missed chances ships in the night random synchronicities and reminders (even having his friend Ellen Angelico playing with the opener at the show I was at) and that instinctive inexplicable pull and sense I was forgetting leaving behind something important when I took off so quickly toward Waukesha to get a food order in for post-concert dinner before the kitchen closed.... But also also, it's not putting to rest the questions in my head about how much is just me projecting what I want to be true as opposed to what actually IS his truth.... That's an answer only he has as to what his truth IS and only he can give me clarity on whether I'm seeing him truly or projecting my wanting on my read of things. and I guess I'll have to wait and hope and trust I will be in the right headspace and heart space to hear him truly whenever he decides to do that.....

And for all things I know I don't know and all my questioning.... I remain very internally clear on one thing. And that is that I hope for him he finds and he has the courage to claim it and make his own the happiness he seeks. Whatever that looks like, whatever that requires, whoever he chooses for it.... I hope for him that he finds and makes his own the happiness he seeks for himself. That is a truth I've never questioned or second guessed or over thought. I don't claim I know what that IS for him, but I hope he finds it and makes it his own, whatever it means for him.

[Post title: lyrics to the Billy Joel song Turn the Lights Back On -- it came on the radio after I was back in Madison near home after dropping my maman off and picking up my dog, so I had to drive around the streets inc oracles for a bit.]