O, there's nothing new or nothing that I know he's done or decided to do that is at the root of that voice saying it would be better for his sake for me to accept "not this life" and to close the door between us so he can look elsewhere. Granted I don't know much at all about what he's up to or his decisions -- really the only way he's in my life at all at this point is via the bond and that connection and the random improbable synchronicities reminding me he exists.  And honestly, since about 11ish, all I've gotten via the bond is very intense love pouring down it that just drowns out everything else. Including voices under the surface. And it does remind me with that intensity along the bond that I'd be doing something wrong if I were to justify doing anything stupid by telling myself it's what he wants or would be good for him because it is definitively NOT any damn thing he wants. 

But I dunno. What do I actually know about what he wants?  There's nothing tangible, nothing solid in any of it. Just the energy down the bond and that connection between our souls -- and that doesn't hold up to much scrutiny in the light of everyday lives or choices that have been made or are being made.

I did tell you I wasn't intending to do anything tonight. I just felt it was fair to give warning that that way of thinking is circulating through me beneath the surface again. 

And it's also only fair of me to be honest about how the choices of the past have brought us to the brokenness of this moment and how I don't have any trust left in me to extend him or the band over the failure to even acknowledge what happened in Oct 2018 (let alone those directly involved in October 2018) and the consequences of what was done in the name of the entire band. When have I ever wavered in the (re)telling of my side of the story or the consequences of it or how that form of bullying via ostracism has affected my opinion of everyone who condones it in word or deed? When have I ever once even intimated that there was anything to be built with me without honesty and facing this to clear out the poisons it created?

And I don't see a way of fixing that without acknowledging and addressing the truths of what happened and the consequences of it. So if no one but me is willing to step up do that honest work of accountability in this situation, then what's the point in me hanging on or expecting anything this life instead of calling it to make us both move on look elsewhere? 

I don't have an answer to that question -- and it's that question that feeds the voice that says the best thing for me to do for him at this time is to be brutal with myself, do what I don't want to do, to force the ending so we can both look elsewhere for what can't grow here without first doing the work of accountability to remove these poisons that were sown between us.

But perhaps that voice is the very last thing I should be listening to right now.... It could just be born of doubt and worry and past pain and fears of future pain. And that could be all the substance of that voice. 

Perhaps all I should be listening to is the deeper truths, the truths that can't be faked. And that love and energy that flows between us via the bond falls into that category of deeper truths. 

But what good does all that love and the deep truths do right now without the honesty and integrity to be accountable for the past so that good things can grow in the future in the real world?

Je ne sais pas. Je ne peut pas voir cet avenir. C'est opaque. Donc. On verra.

 I feel like "straight Jameson is a bit strong for my mood, but St. Germain (elderflower liqueur) and Domaine de Canton (ginger liqueur) with my Jameson counts as a mixer right? Right." was not my wisest life choice for how to deal with the renewed burning down the bond tonight after a week off last week. (Which, I was genuinely grateful for that reprieve for the first time in a very long time -- even though I didn't know the why of it and so I can't say I didn't have a panicky, "wait, did he block the connection down the bond now?" moments before just feeling the gratitude of not having that burning of betrayal down it.)  I mean, it was my choice and it was tasty and it's not a rookie mistake (how could either St. Germain or Domaine de Canton ever count as rookie mistakes? Even in France? I mean, "Oooh, everclear soaked gummy bears and gummy bear infused vodka/everclear cocktails served in a martini glass" is DEFINITELY a rookie mistake and one that I'm definitely guilty of back in college. More than once. Definitely after I should have known better. But I don't feel like anyone could classify St. Germain or Domaine de Canton as rookie mistakes given that they're so bougie and CLASSY.  But they probably shouldn't count as mixers for your Jameson is what I'm saying...) Still. It was a very classy and tasty way to try to dull down that burning of betrayal down the bond that happens pretty much every Wednesday night. 

The upshot of that burning of betrayal is, genuinely, it just makes me more stubborn in the "don't expect any damn thing of me until you clean up the messes YOU have made and that were committed in your name and taken accountability for what happened in October 2018. I have no trust to extend you without you choosing to acknowledge and heal that."  And that's really about all you do on your weekly Wednesday 8-9pm betrayals of "you should know better than that why this is wrong and shameful because you've been told quite directly what happened and thus why doing it this way is unfair ostracism bullying and yet you CHOOSE to do it over and over and over anyway rather than fixing what makes it a betrayal and wrong" of the burning down the bond. But I mean, what did you think it was doing when you behave that way?  Accountability is the only way to heal wrongs of the past. Gaslighting and ignoring it only digs you in deeper makes it harder to heal. But what the fuck ever. Your choices are yours, not mine, to make. As are the consequences your choices accrue for you. And among those consequences are that i have no trust to extend you at this point and I can't even start building up new trust in you until you deal with the past actions done in your name and the difficulties your subsequent choices/actions/inactions have created for you.

Anyway. I have a deposit to finish at work still tonight, so no more drinks for me, lol. And tomorrow my maman and I (both vaccinated) have a 4 course dinner with 5 glasses of wine dinner at Portabella's which is outdoors unless we have another round of rain/storms. (My da doesn't like wine except super sweet guzzle-able moscatos and he was meh on the menu so this one is a waste of money on him -- and my mum DID call to verify there is/will be no pork in any of the dishes before reserving and talked to the chef about it.)  And then on Friday my parents fly out to Seattle to visit my sister/brother-in-law/niblings and then they're driving to their cabin in Montana (I don't know that they yet realize they're supposed to now get 2ft or more of snow over Whitefish area on Thursday since maman asked me yesterday to try to clear the rain for tomorrow night instead of the 4 days of rain we're supposed to have. I did WARN her "there will be consequences, but I'll do my best for those not to cause excessive deaths or damage if you ask me to push these fronts around" and she didn't ask about the consequences..... Soooooo even though both my parents hate snow (other than seeing it makes them think of how giddy it would make me) they now get snow from me pushing t delay these fronts to make the weather clear enough for our 4 course dinner with 5 wine courses to be outside.... *shrugs* I feel no guilt over that. She's the one asked me to push it after all. And I'd rather eat outside anyway, even without covid as a concern. 

So they fly out on Friday heading westward. And then I'll be splitting my time between my flat (where my cat Spock is but their dog Sophie can't come) and the house I grew up in (where my cat doesn't live) and work (where both dogs can be supervised during the daytime while I spend time with my cat who has abandonment issues.)  Then next week I have my first APT play (The Mountainside, set in the hotel room the night before MLK's assassination) in like 2 years. (They're all masks required for everyone but the actors, only selling 25% seating capacity, and instead of running multiple plays up the hill outdoors and inside at the Touchstone, they're doing pairs of plays then waiting before setting sales for the next.)  Haven't figured out if I'm leaving the dogs alone at work/home or if Sarah's taking them that night. Will have to ask her....

And yes I still have pics and vids of the polar bear cub Astra playing in the pool near her mum and da -- but right now they all look the same scrolling through the tiny squares to upload and I haven't the patience or inclination to go through them to figure out which are worth sharing and which I should just delete. Go to the Detroit Zoo socials (either fb or insta) and you can see recent pics and video of her playing and splashing that were literally taken the same morning I stood there for 45mins watching her play by the photographer with a nice camera and telephoto lens about 6.5ft to the right of where I was standing, lol.

Also. I should probably get a bit brutal with myself make me accept, 'Girl, you're not what he wants this life -- he's never made you a priority nor even done a damn thing to acknowledge, let alone address, any of the bullshit the girls did to you in the band's name back when they were signed to a country label. By now, he's probably trawling dating apps and all up in the dms of other "look at me" girls on social media to find someone to date so you just need to let go move on. It doesn't MATTER how old the bond between your souls or how long you've spent waiting on him this life -- he ain't making that choice and you need to accept it and move on with this life because at this point you're just getting pathetic hanging on and hoping for something from him that isn't what he's choosing for himself."  Been feeling that way for maybe a week now, no less than a week, but it's extra strong impulse in me tonight... Not acting on it tonight despite the temptation, but like, don't be surprised if I do in the next few weeks of time once we move into Gemini season and both Saturn and Mercury go retrograde.... Because I'll have a lot of time alone with myself and the animals and nobody else will have to put up with the fallout on my mood of what that sort of brutal honesty with myself will demand of me. Which, I can't say I want to do, and there's nothing but bitterness in that glass for me -- but damnit sometimes you just have to accept the actions/choices of others and the world as it is, make yourself drink down that entire goblet of hemlock....And I'm starting to feel like that's where we at given his choices (or lack thereof) in addressing what happened and the consequences of it. Not tonight. But soon. Maybe that's a bad way to be thinking right now, but it's there in me, just under the surface, and tonight I can feel it gaining strength to push me into  "This is what he wants so even though it hurts me to do, I should do it for his sake so he can be free to have whatever it is he wants and is choosing for hmself " self-destructive territory. *shrugs* Maybe tomorrow I'll realize it's stupid, maybe tomorrow night I'll decide it's past time to amputate and I've been waiting too long because I know it will hurt me but still it's for the best... Who knows? certainly not me. But tonight I feel on the precipice of reactionary and stupid in the name of giving him what I've got in my head he wants to be free of me so he can date someone else he's currently infatuated with and pursuing. Which may not even be true -- but it's an insidious voice of doubt and fatalism in my inner space tonight of how I can best give him what he wants and has chosen for himself this life. One that hasn't been there for a long while now but tonight is very loud and strong woven through his energy as it's reaching me down the bond.....

But for now. I'll choose inaction trying to block out the insidious voice all twined around him again telling me to cut ties and disappear me out of his life/options for his sake. Back to drinking tea and watching astro/tarot vids and doing the mid-month work deposit and random memes that entertain me on my fb account.More later. When I've had more than a maple donut from Greenbush Bakery and half a pint glass of Jameson mixed with St. Germain and Domane de Canton for my dinner.

Pretty-eyed, Pirate smile, You'll marry a music man. Ballerina, You must've seen her, Dancing in the sand. And now she's in me, Always with me, Tiny dancer in my hand. Jesus freaks, out in the street, Handing tickets out for God. Turning back, She just laughs, The boulevard is not that bad. Piano man, He makes his stand, In the auditorium. Looking on, She sings the songs, The words she knows, The tune she hums.

 *yawns* 

I'm home.  Have been for hours.  But needy jealous beasties required attention.  In fact,  I wrote this short note with the dog laying alongside my right leg,  forearms wrapped around it and head using my hip as her pillow and the cat laing along my chest/torso purring loudly.  

Much to share, but I am a sleepy captive of love.  So more later. Did get to spend over half an hour watching Astra (one of the polar bear cubs) romp in the water running back and forth from the pool to her maman who was rolling/scratching in the grass while the papa bear looked on majestically limned in sunlight on the other side of the canyon dividing the polar bear enclosure!!!!  It was super awesome and apparently rare as they still are denning a lot!  But I was very insistent on timing and inner calling to the bears as we approached, lol.  Pictures and vids later though, too tired to look through them all now.... 

O,  and I've had Tiny Dancer stuck in my head since somewhere on 94 between Ann Arbor and Michigan City when I heard it on the radio.  Luckily,  I adore the song!  Weirdly though,  somewhere near Chicago my head went from playing Elton John to Eric's voice and just piano singing it in my head.  Which is weird as I've never heard him sing it,  my brain just created it from knowing the song and knowing Eric's voice timbre/range/delivery in other songs.... Brains are strange sometimes. Although.   I must admit that I loved listening to him covering Tiny Dancer on loop - even if it was only in my head never in reality. It made my heart happy and my knees rather weak.  But in a good way.  (never said I don't love his voice or denied that I find it beautiful and soothing and it makes me feel all happy cozy like coming or snuggling by a bonfire under the moon and stars. *shrugs* There's plenty of other things in the way in recent years, but that's not any part of what's broken. His voice still pulls me in makes me feel at home and shiny and weak kneed and at home right where I should be same as it always did.)

But. Sleep now. As I'm already in bed, held in place by fur baby snuggle bugs.  And Eric's voice covering Tiny Dancer inside my head. 

 Morning!  Miss me? 

(it's sunrise in Michigan, so even though I'm staying in their basement without windows, my body woke up and rather than wake up my friend Crissy by rustling around while she slept,  I got up and came upstairs to the kitchen with my Kali bear and phone  and book (a translation of the Medieval French prose Lancelot of the Lake) to make a cuppa tea and eat my leftover pbj sammie I made for the road from my leftover 4 slices of bread before leaving Madison.  And watch the sunrise and read.) 

Last night (two nights ago?) at like 1am my friend who had been driving me nuts texting me had her epiphany understood which is good!  I tend to function as a catalyst truth finding opportunity for growth for people who find me.  I tend to show up in people's lives when they have earned an opportunity from karma and the Universe to learn their lessons to heal/grow by consciously choosing to face difficult truths - if they get defensive about facing their shadow selves uncomfortable truths or refuse the lesson the easy way three times,  I gently get removed from their life and then they must learn the hard way.....  I don't have much control over it,  tbh.  And it means I'm often having hard truth real talk with people I care about where I tell them "this isn't what you want to hear,  but you need to hear it and face it" and sometimes pushing them til they may even feel they want to kick me out rather than face the hard truths.  I do it with as much compassion as I can and explaining to help them understand - but they must free will make their own choices ultimately.  I'm just the opportunity catalyst for healing/growth and lessons to happen the easy soul path rather than a hard one. 

So I'm super proud of Erin's dark hour of the soul and the path of growth she chose!! And happy for her sake - choosing to deny the path of facing ones truth and soul growth I represent is a hard road for learning....   And it makes my heart hurt when people I care about choose it...  So I'm super proud of Erin and excited to see where her new soul growth brings her!  

Had a mostly uneventful drive.  I mean,  driving through Chi simply is what it is and unless you can do it between 1 and 4am, you suck it up,  gird your loins,  and just make sure to pee break and caffeinate at the last oases before the gridlock starts...... Geoscapes was delightful!!! I always click with the family and people who work in that rock shop!!!  Had great craic  chatting with her while there and she spontaneously decided they were creating a "congrats on your vax" 10% off customer appreciation. (her mom is an ER nurse.  In Michigan.  So yeah.  We were same page in talking about it all.  I got some GORGEOUS pieces!!!  A 5lb fuchisite,  a large champagne yellow calcite, instead of the littler marble and jade carved bears I got a large marble carved polar bear and he's darling!  Need to figure out his name....  And a carved gray soapstone bear with blue-gray eyes!  And some other beautiful rocks!  But they're wrapped up downstairs,  I'll have to share my new to me treasures anon!  O but,  I have 2 new rings that I wore out of the store which I can show you!!  

The first is a tiny silver with amber that I'm breaking my own arbitrary rule to wear on my left hand. She is unnamed thus far. 

The braided band is temporarily n my left ring finger - it had been stacked with the chalcedony on the right ring finger,  but those moved for the other new one and it doesn't stack well on my forefinger where the chalcedony now is. 

The other is a silver and iolite on my right ring finger that I fell in love with the scroll work on the band like a Greek key and she's my wine dark sea ring.  

I'm thinking her name is Ariadne. (all my rings I wear regularly are named.  The cats eye opal is Lalita.  The aquamarine cabochon is Rae.  The garnet and citrine is Marianne.  The dolphin from my grandma is Delphine.  Pretty sure my one that makes me homesick for Greek isles and the Mediterranean Sea will be Ariadne.  About 96.83% certain.  I knew immediately in the store.) 

Now.  Book and sunrise and tea now my banana and leftover pbj sammie are eaten!  

AND IT'S DETROIT ZOO POLAR BEAR CUB DAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!  😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

 OMG, my friend is driving me nuts... I did not expect to spend 4+ hours tonight trying to explain to a 37 year old why blocking someone destroys their trust in any relationship with the person who blocked them even if you were angry at the time you did it, why it was an over-reaction unless your desire is to communicate "I never want you to have access to my life again" no matter what people say online about using blocking to establish "boundaries" because it's selfish whatever your intention is since you're not taking into account the reactions of what they emotionally went through when you clicked block without warning and destroyed the relationship with them, that desiring to kiss someone is a normal part of sexual attraction for everyone except demisexuals and that you can't be angry at someone for having/expressing that desire without acting on it AFTER telling them you want to try to build a romantic relationship, and unpacking the fundamentalist Christian views about premarital kissing they're blaming for it as opposed to just acknowledging you're demisexual and that's a legitimate way to be. I'm fucking exhausted by the basic middle school-ness of this but like, I don't blame people for what they didn't know -- I'm very much of the "you don't know what you don't know but once you know better then it's on you to do better." The how you don't realize your actions are selfish and toxic and going to cause consequences based on the hurt/damage you cause others is something I just completely don't get as an empath... How do you not realize "If I do x because of my emotions, the consequence is it will cause person y to react this way" about basic human emotions?! And like, if you legitimately never want to have any connection or any form of relationship with someone, yeah you should block them on social media -- but know that once you do you will have damaged that relationship and their trust in you especially if you get defensive about your past actions or try to behave as if it was okay to just sever ties with the person. How can you be hurt if someone's reaction to you blocking them is, "I don't trust you anymore and we need to take this relationship back down to platonic or polite acquaintance level now because I can't trust any emotional investment on my part won't just get ripped away from me again in the future." How did you THINK they would react if you blocked them entirely and told them you didn't want to exist to them any longer or for them to have any access to you or anything to do with you?! How would you have reacted if it were done to you?

Now I need to go pack for leaving in the morning

But also. Lordy, how can you be 37 and never even have heard the term demisexual or realized that for a large percentage of people feeling a desire to kiss someone comes from purely physical attraction or a very small sense of emotional connection?! Like how do you not understand the difference?! How have you never even heard the words demisexual or asexual before?!

 The rain we were maybe supposed to get yesterday didn't come (though the pressure shift came through to give me enough of a migraine to try to nap in late morning/early afternoon) and then people were difficult starting at like 2 in the afternoon with a friend texting me about some relationship stuff. (Not my story to tell what was up with her.. but mostly I think she's at fault and self-sabotaging things. People don't come to me for coddling or validation or sycophancy -- people come to me for honesty. You should never expect anything less from me than honesty, even if I know it will hurt you, it will still hurt you less in the longterm than the lies or people pleasing. Truth is, ultimately, the greatest kindness and it's why seeing things from the other side and honesty is why people see me (and why they avoid me if they know it but don't want to hear it.))  But, I did get all 34 bags of  mulch down this evening and while it didn't cover more than about 2/3 the garden bed, I was able to take care of the area I weeded and the hostas and an area that I hadn't yet weeded but can get very full of weeds.  And we've already ordered me 20 more bags of mulch so I can finish and mulch deeper where I mulched lightly to stretch what I had. It looks really good!! AND, after showing off what I'd gotten done, I got permission from both my parents for buying 2 more bleeding hearts to put in now that the weeds were pulled out and my borders in that area were more clearly defined and they could understand the balance!! I intend to finish the project after I get back from Michigan -- but I suppose if they pick up the mulch tomorrow I cn get it down tomorrow. I'm planning to come in to put out the sprinkler tomorrow. (and because Sarah harvested some fiddle head ferns for me because she was thinning hers out as they came up and I have mentioned before how I love them which she will bring me tomorrow for dinner!) It's not going to warm up into the 70s again til the weekend, but we currently don;t have rain in the forecast til 5/26. That might change, but it's still very dry up here and my plants need water to put out new growth, y'know?

Also, for some reason my maman was thinking about "if something happens to us" inheritance things (probably because they're flying out next week -- this happens sometimes before they fall.) And she told me that she thought that if we sold the property the business is on (but my garden!) or rented it out that I should use my half of the money from it to buy me an orchard. So it's funny even my maman came up with that, that I should live in an orchard. She told my da it and he said my grandpa would love that. (When my da was a kid, my grandfather got worried about a huge economic crash from peak oil and what was going on in the Middle East and thought being stuck in the middle of Chicago would be one of the unsafest places for them so he bought an organic farm in Ft. Atkinson Wisconsin and moved their entire family there. So my dad and his 3 siblings grew up on the farm, but when it was just my dad (the youngest) and my grandpa to do the heavy farm work after his siblings left, my grandpa asked my dad if he wanted to stay just them or move to Madison (where my grandma was working for an environmental rights group after getting her masters in environmental science or something like that) and my dad chose to move to Madison which is where he met my mom in high school. The family business was started as a typewriter repair shop by my grandpa and one of my uncle's in my grandparents basement and then after my dad came back from Israel he joined and pivoted them to computers in the mid-80s and then the 3 wives were brought in as full owners to balance out decisions. After my grandfather died, my aunt and uncle left during the "dude you're getting a Dell" mail-order crisis hurting physical retailers and later my grandma retired so now my parents are the only remaining owners of it, still a computer repair shop and IT/services store. But that's why my parents both felt grandpa would like it coming full circle for selling the family farm to then create the typewriter/computer shop could then sell the family business for his grand-daughter to have an heirloom apple orchard with bees. Another layer on it is that my grandpa loved apples, and he and I would always each get an apple as well as whatever junk food he bought me as after school snack when my mama was complaining that it was always junk food. He loved his apples. Apples and raspberries and blueberries make me think of him.)  

She brought that up on her own without ever having heard me talk much about my someday house or knowing before today that one of my two favorite heirloom apple sellers has multiple times offered to sell me his orchard when he retires.  But at least my parents think it a good idea and not a bad idea for me to want to have an apple orchard and flower gardens and keep bees for honey and beeswax (and because my trees/flowers will need pollinators.)  Always good to have family support for your atypicaldesires/vague goals for your life.  My sister can be the one in big tech an climbing the corporate ladder -- I'd be happy with some apple trees and a flower garden and beekeeping. 

Also also. I just discovered tonight that all of Studio Ghibli is on HBOMax!!!!!  Why didn't anyone tell me?!?! I teared up happy tears when i saw that tonight while searcing for something else and deciding to scroll past the genres and seeing they have the different sub-creators/networks listed and Studio Ghibli was on there!!!!! I expect me to binge re-watch those a lot a lot while working but not knowing what to put on now that I know they're included!!!! 

Anyway, you've not missed much in my life. Working/gardening, eating mushroom and asparagus omelets for lunch and my current obsession open face toast/sandwiches of Stella's bakery multigrain bread with cranberry horseradish, green onion, sliced mushrooms, Hook's 5 year aged cheddar, and pea/sunflower shoots for lunches and then randomly whatever I decide/share for dinners. Heading to Michigan stupidly early on Thursday though -- so my plan for tomorrow is laundry and packing and picking up some cat food before I go (it's getting low) and then putting the sprinkler out for my work plants and then fiddle head ferns for dinner somehow and early to bed. (Unless Mikaela comes in to work with her maman and then I might come in around lunchish to hang out with her.) So like, if I don't write here much in the next weekish, it's not personal and don't worry about it. I'm just busy and/or visiting with a good friend I haven't seen in a while.

 For the record: After 6 hours of pulling weeds tidying up in my garden at work (and only getting through about 1/3 of it, but it's the third with the hostas that I need to mulch tomorrow after it rains, before they're so thick and dense I can't) I am so grateful to past me for deciding last night to save my Chinese leftovers for tonight!!!! I mean, the garden looks really great now and will look even better once I get mulch down on that portion and then continue the weeding/mulching sections of it -- but godsdamnit I'm so so so hungry right now!  And I'm so grateful to past me! You have no idea how grateful current me is for past me realizing that last night!!!!!! 

Okay, I'm going to go plop the rice and spicy Mongolian lamb in a bowL and start it microwaving and put away the work dishes that i ran on Friday night before picking up the Chinese food for my parents and watching skating with my maman (both my mum and Sarah are weird about not liking to put the dishes away... Me, I have pretty severe OCD about dishes piling up on sinks/counters and kitchens being messy so I am much happier if I see the dishes are done just putting them away so that the dishwasher is ready for dishes as they get dirty instead of people piling them up in the sink because they passive-aggressively are upset nobody else put away the dishes. That's stupid and icky disgusting.  I actually can't go to bed or leave my flat unless the dishes are dealt with and I tend to clean them as I go while cooking in down times because sometimes it'll stress me to leave them undone while eating if there's a lot of them, I always sit where I can't see the kitchen if there are not yet washed dishes in the kitchen --  like I can leave hot pans soaking to cool down in the sink area while eating and wash them with whatever was eaten off of, but it's rare for my prep stuff not to get washed while I'm cooking and don't need to actively be stirring or adding things.... If you do the dishes right away, they never sit around so long they get gross. Also. like, you cook food in the kitchen -- last thing you want anywhere near the food prep areas is a science experiment of mouth bacteria and old food and G-d only knows what else.... Dirty dishes in kitchens is my number one biggest OCD trigger -- most of the rest I can suppress, but that one is just so ewww,,,,)  Anyway, getting the leftovers in the microwave now sunset's over and keeping myself busy while waiting for the heat machine to do it's job so I don't get impatient and angry!!! 

And then doing some paperwork. I'm thinking I'll make the indoor plants wait an extra day and water them tomorrow because next week I don't know what time I'll get home on Monday or if I'll come in or how tired I'll be and it's easier on the plants to make them wait 8 days this week and 8 days next week then do them today try to ask the plants to wait 9 days next week.... 

But OMG past me, thank you so much for that decision last night to save the chinese leftovers for tonight!!!!!!!! 

P.S. Water chestnuts are so underrated! I definitely sometimes make my Chinese food choices based on if the dish has water chestnuts... 

P.P.S. 9ish addendum: O lordy... Just walked past the mirror again and dang son, my cheeks and nose just keep getting redder and redder. Not a bad enough sunburn to prickle or hurt when I move my face but tangibly hot to the touch and I definitely burned my face today while weeding in the garden. Whoops! That said, it feels and looks like one I can heal completely while I sleep tonight and tomorrow you won't even be able to tell.

 I ended up getting super tired midafternoon and decided to nap for the 3.5 hours til the pre-sunset automatic waking up.  (I only slept 3.5 hours last night before sunrise and getting ready to meet up for Farmer's Market at 7am, so this wasn't entirely unexpected.)  Then I took the dog out for a short walk around the circle in the gloaming before realizing sunset is so late now I'd be sitting down to a French dinner at 10pm if I didn't start cooking asap.  So I put the kettle on chose a smoky kali cha oolong and opened the bottle of petite syrah (the last bottle of wine I have atm) and poured myself a glass.  I went to go reheat my Chinese leftovers from dinner at my parents house last night (the spicy Mongolian lamb) that I had in my head when choosing my wine and tea pairings, and just as I grabbed the paper bag of takeout my brain ordered,  "FREEZE! " at which I stood stock still as my brain said,  "Your plan is to work 15+ hours tomorrow to more easily get all 40 hours in front of the week - save the easy microwave reheat meal for working tomorrow,  you sweet fool!"

I decided this was sage advice so my body on auto pilot closed tbe fridge and picked up my wineglass to sip while reconsidering dinner plans at quarter to 9.  After a few reflective sips,  my brain said,  "Let's at least start slicing up the fresh veggies we need to use up by Weds and we'll make it up as we drink wine and eat the asparagus and mushrooms raw." Which was a really solid plan tbh. 

My next abortive idea was a tasty veggie quesadilla or burrito as in addition to asparagus,  crimini mushrooms,  and green onions to use up I also have 3 or 4 tprtillas in an opened bag to use up before buying more and plenty of cheese options with 2 open (a 5 year Hook's cheddar and a 2020 world winning colby) and a half eaten bag of squeaky fresh Farmer John's cojack cheese curds made from this morning's milking (yeah,  Sconnies be that spoiled and at $5 a bag available made that morning on every Saturday and Weds you would be too.)  but after slicing up the asparagus bunch and eating a couple pieces raw,  I grabbed the green onion to slice when my brain suggested I save the tortillas which will keep til my return next Mon night when I will lack fresh veggies til I make it to Sat market (Weds market being prepay by Tues at noon for Weds pickup and I won't remember in time) and future me will be extremely grateful to have tortillas and soak black beans for some quesadillas,  burritos, and huevos rancheros. So I put the tortillas and colby cheese away and went to the pantry. 

My third abortive idea was curry, but I only have 1 jar left of Trader Joe's green curry simmer sauce and should buy more first - especially when I just had yellow curry 2 nights ago. 

My fourth abortive idea was pasta with the jar of portabella tomato sauce from River Valley Ranch & Kitchens (my button/crimini/portabella farmers at market - they also have portabella salsa,  portabella pasta sauces,  pickled mushrooms that don't interest me,  and hone-made walnut pesto that keeps in the freezer indefinitely and makes me happy to have midwinter.) But then I saw I had no dried noodle right now except glass rice noodles for Asian style dishes which would be weird.  (I tend to shop direct from local farmers/producers as much as possible (thus my weekly Farmer's Market visits where most of it is organic and growing my own veggies in raised beds and pots behind my work building and belonging to a CSA and having a local egg lady I can visit the chickens when I get my eggs and my berrying/orchard you pick culls and farm stand habits in proper season and even a local fish monger who fish off of Alaska bring it back frozen for direct sales - in Wisconsin this sort of pattern is easy and cheaper than the grocery stores) for peak freshness, minimal carbon trail, and reducing my single use plastic to produce/cheese curd bags I can reuse as dog poop bags I otherwise need to buy single use bags.  I do occasionally go to grocery stores,  mostly in winter or for produce/fruit not locally in season and frozen veggies and any chips or whole milk/butter or wine/beer/whisket or peanut butter or baking supply staples I need - and then I shop a local co-op or Metcalfe's of Trader Joes.  (I buy my coffee direct from roasters/coffeeshops, my loose leaf tea from boutique tea shops owned by British emigrés I have discovered in Cincinnati and St.  Louis, and my olive oil (that isn't the good extra virgin olive oil from a 500+ year family farm in Crete that I also found in Cincinnati at Finlay Market but they will ship to me) I buy at Vom Fass or Cost Plus World Market.) So that's how/why I can run out of dried pasta or rice - I just haven't gone to a grocery store since using it up..... 

Anyway.  After nixing pasta due to lack of,  y'know,  pasta (rather a key ingredient,  right?) I decided to finish chopping up veggies because worst case I could munch cheese curds for protein and drink my wine for flavinoids/antioxidants/retinol from grapes and just eat my sauteed mushrooms with asparagus and green onions in olive oil and herbs as my meal and then I'd hit most important nutrient groups.

Which was a great plan.  I ended up adding horseradish I have open right now and some of the wine to my sauteeing veggies and herbes de provence.  And after adding sel gris it still some brightening to balance so I added some Kofinos citrus infused olive oil to finish.  And it was so good that taste test but I realized,  "O! But this would be perfect with seared salmon!" I tried to deny it as veggies were mostly done and who has petite syrah with salmon?  (I lack any whites or rosés atm)   But the salmon was too tempting and with a heated pan (from veggies) you can pan sear frozen salmon filets pre-portioned in 10-12 minutes.  (olive oil on each side and warmed olive oil in hot pain on medium high heat place skin side up and cook 4 minutes.  Flip,  reduce heat to medium,  salt/oil/baste with sauce in pan to taste,  cover, cook 6-8 minutes.  Plate and add fresh herbs if desired. That's how pre-portioned salmon and a hot pan can be pan seared ready in 10-12mins from the decision to have salmon.)  So I covered the veggies put them in my death appliance (1970s toggle-rific multiple dials microwave above stove that is light/vent fan.  I don't use as microwave as terrified it's at head height inappropriately shielded would give me brain cancer - I don't even know if anything but the light button and vent fan button work on it.  But it's great for keeping things warm,  bread box, and putting my food away if I have to do something mid-meal as my cat will scrounge unattended food and steal entire loaves of bread from counters.... It looks cool though and an ex once used my magnetic poetry labeled it "death appliance" which made me laugh when I got home and the magnets remain there some 10 years after he left my life and "the death appliance" is how I/roommates/friends refer to that toggle-y retro terrifying microwave.)  

And that's the story of how I had an incredible pan-seared salmon with mushroom and asparagus  in a horseradish demi-glace dinner at 10:15pm. 😂  I'm sure my neighbors in the condo building loved the smell of fish cooking at 10pm.... Who wouldn't?  (sorry neighbors!) I also finished off the petite syrah by 11pm (but I was drinking it across 2.5 hours) and was delightfully surprised how well petite syrah worked with the salmon!!  I always white wine or rosé with fish (I'm an admitted wine snob with opinions about perfect pairings with food to enhance both flavor profiles - to an extent my mother and close friends just hand me the wine menu if we intend to split a bottle and whenever I have wine with my maman at my parent's house we pick food choice then I ask her "white or red?" and she lets me pick from there among her stock)  but with how umami rich and then light citrus bright horseradish bite this salmon and veggies dish was,  the petite syrah worked beautifully.  Wouldn't have gone more tannic or full bodied a red,  but the petite syrah worked! Will remember for the future if I can't find a white I like on a menu but want to order salmon and wine. 

Moral of the story: You can take a girl of French descent with French past lives out of France, but you'll never take certain French tendencies out of that woman. Sometimes, getting that girl to speak/remember any language but French is damn near impossible - especially if you startle her or get her drunk.  😂  I'm the most French woman born in Israel raised in America that you'll ever meet.... There are certain things about me which are intensely foreign (including my natural accent when I speak English that I've had my while life and had to see a speech therapist for 3 years in elementary school to try to fix but is still always there gets more pronounced when I'm tired) despite me spending all but the first 3.5 months of my life in the USA.... 

 Today had a brilliant time at Farmer's market and spread contagious joy (especially to my favorite cheesemongers) and learned that not only is Farmer John the world winning colby cheesemaker I knew him to be, he also INVENTED cojack by a happy accident about 20 years ago AND we got to talking about things opening up and concerts and musician's mental health and he told me how his son plays banjo (without knowing that I actually appreciate good banjo picking and bluegrass when vocals aren't too iffy -- and then offered me a free copy of his son's CD once I said that which was sweet) and were just gearing up for a major tour last year when everything shut down and how hard that's been on them and how a session mate with a young kid had committed suicide over the no end in sight forced timeout from playing live.

And then i got back and Billy Joel was on "for the dog" and i can't turn off Billy Joel mid song so I've just spent the last 3 ours or so with my dog asleep on my feet listening to Billy Joel on repeat and watching polar bear videos (specifically on repeat of Nora (at Oregon zoo) playing in a big bucket of ice) and eating squeaky fresh cojack cheese curds at work and beaming at my excessive amount of tulips I bought today (I bought 2 bouquets of them for my grandma though from me and my parents to bring her tomorrow for Mother's Day) instead of  heading home.  And I'm just ridiculously happy about the current state of my life with these things!!!! I should probably head home and make me lunch before it's dinner time, lol. Also call my parents ask if they wanted me to bring them the flowers for grandma today, leave them at work or bring them by tonight. But Only the Good Die Young JUST started so as not to wake up the dog and singing along while I type this... I'll call them after this song is done. Most likely. Probably. Unless it's a song I really love. Which is like 75-80% of his songs...  So we'll see how long this takes, lol. 

Anyway. I'm in a very happy place right now between Billy Joel and polar bear videos and sleepy pupkin and cheese (and veggies too) and flowers and the sun is shining. And I thought I'd share that I'm in a pretty damn giddy internal place full of soul sparkles. Like, this might be a really niche happy place, but it's a super happy place for ME, so I'm super sparkly happy right now. O it's a piano composition, Opus 10: Air (Dublinesque) (which is on Fantasies and Delusions which if you love instrumental music and don't know it, you need to fix that RIGHT THIS FUCKING MOMENT because it's such a beautiful and peaceful solo piano album played by Billy fucking Joel. And really though, how could you love piano or instrumental compositions and NOT know this album exists?!) So I'm going to call my maman right now to ask her. But stay shiny today, yeah? It's a shiny day even if you're not QUITE as shiny inside as I am today, lol. This is a hard level of shiny for most people to ever attain, let alone hold onto for several 6+ hour stretches like this. 

Okay. calling my maman, then probably running by their house, then home for lunch, then maybe taking the dog on a walk (and to pull garlic mustard damnit!) and then home again to read and eat leftover Chinese for dinner and have some wine with it (it's a spicy Mongolian Lamb dish) and tea and some music (I won't promise that it won't be Billy Joel again though)  and maybe light a fire in the hearth tonight! Those are my plans for the rest of today and honestly I think they sound pretty dang heavenly!!! Maybe i could improve them by baking cookies tonight... Will consider that addition. Because I think it might be a missing piece to make it perfect....

P.S. At some point, I want a mashup of the Billy Joel song Pressure and the Queen with David Bowie song Under Pressure. Not my mood right this moment, I'm clearly not in a stressy pressure filled mood. but I think this every time I hear Pressure. So there's that.

 Today was NOT one of my grandma's best days, tbh.  I don't really wanna talk about it though... I did talk about it to my parents and Sarah was there and pulled out her very large bottle of Jameson I bought her as a thank you at one point and asked, "You want a shot or to be clocked upside the head with it to knock you out?"  Luckily, Mikaela was there in the afternoon after getting her first Pfizer jab (she turned 16 this week) and we rescheduled Thai food with my aunt to Fri the 21 (my aunt comes into town on Fridays for errands) because my grandma took a nap and my aunt had more errands so I made it back in time before they closed. So I asked if Mikaela was feeling up for a walk and she lit up said yes (one of the best things you can do after any vaccine is a short walk active outside in the sun) and so Mikaela and I took the dogs on a walk through the woods near my work for both our sakes. Which was good for both of us -- and we pulled some of the invasive garlic mustard that's currently flowering and drives me batty I feel compelled to pull everywhere I see it.  I'm actually considering that tomorrow I might go pull some in areas that are bothering me before the flowers turn to seed.... It's such an awful invasive plant and so detrimental to native plants.....  Mikaela is super pleased to have gotten her first vax. And she's also excited that her lace up combat boots that match mine from Hot Topic (the black floral lined ones) came in today.  There's something very flattering about a 16 year old thinking your clothing choices are cool enough to want to copy/steal, lol. We'll forget for a second that she's looked up to me as the big sister she never had for her entire life. Anyway, I mentioned to her where I had got them last week when she was admiring and when she saw they were once again on sale for $28, she ordered them in under 2 mins. And she brought up today how excited she is they came in this afternoon and next time I saw her she'd likely have matching boots to mine.  She also told me when I double checked that since she's short, she doesn't mind me calling her munchkin (her nickname from me since she was a toddler) and she still likes it. Which I love. But I also reminded her if she ever DOESN'T like it, then she just needs to tell me and I won't use it anymore.

Also, my cousin has very narrow time windows of under a hour between working and it's like an hour and a half drive each way to Milwaukee, so now we're thinking we'll not get together this auto show she's working as it's just stressful to coordinate and won't allow for quality time.  And there's nowhere near her for hanging out really or even a park. and I mean, if we hit Brewers or Bucks traffic unmoving getting there, then we might almost entirely miss her window of available time sitting in unmoving gridlock and have driven all the way there for no reason at all.  Much better to plan to see her another time. 

So that calms my time a bit.  Still planning to get 40 hours of work in between Sunday and Wednesday and then the drive to MI on Thursday. But hey, at least you'll know where to find me, lol. And I'm super excited to see Erin and Debbie and visit the baby polar bear cubs on Friday!!!!!

Our current plan is to stop in Paw Paw and Ann Arbor for rock shopping and lunch and maybe some tea or books shopping. Then dinner with them on Thursday night followed by a selection of WI cheeses and MI wine (likely St. Julian as I put that thought in Erin's head as a good wine choice for me while putting her in charge of wine if we're bringing good Wisco cheeses) to catch up and hang out and watch Disney movies.  And then on Friday we'll head to Detroit Zoo in the morning and then just hanging out with Erin all weekend. Then Monday maybe re-visiting the zoo for more polar bear cubs time and the drive back with stops at Ann Arbor (for lunch and tea/book shopping not done on Thurs) and Kalamazoo (for Tim Horton's donuts for a coworker -- he always asks whenever I'm driving to/past a Tim Horton's.)

But tomorrow my only set plans are getting cash then Farmer's Market in the early morning (even though it will be chilly still -- frost advisory overnight and all.)

P.S. Also had enough red wine while watching DVRed figure skating with my maman to admit that I don't wanna Netflix and chill, I wanna "piano music and cuddle" -- both generally and tonight specifically. Thoughts?

 So last week I discovered that my favorite Thai restaurant in town,  Sa-Bai Thong, sells a 4oz side of just their curry sauces for $4 AND if you ask in the notes they'll make it as spicy as you want!!!!  And you can order all of their curry sauces that way: red,  green,  yellow,  panaeng, mus-man!!!  (Trader Joe's green curry sauce is $2 a jar and actually just as good - having that in the cupboard has been my go to "I don't know what I want but have all these veggies" quick easy dinner hack for like 4 or 5 years since I found it.  It's that good!!!)  I knew they sold the peanut sauce by itself and have hacked together meals from buying extra peanut sauce,  but they never used to sell just the curry sauces!!! This means when indecisive,  I can pick whatever I most want that night but also buy whatever other sauce I want later in the week and then stir fry fresh veggies and add sauce and another night of Thai food without the veggies getting soggy or icky!!! 

And,  quite honestly,  there's no night I don't want Thai food....  Thai,  sushi,  Middle Eastern/Mediterranean, Mexican,  and Indian cuisines I could eat literally every day year round and never be tired of them!!!  You are ALWAYS on safe ground suggesting or choosing one of those with me (except maybe if I were pregnant which I know can affect food preferences, but never having been pregnant in this body I have no idea how it would affect me.)  There are foods I love but can only eat like once in a while or I get sick of them - but Thai, sushi,  Middle Eastern/Mediterranean, Mexican,  and Indian are an all the time happy can eat them every day option with me,  lol.  

In completely unrelated news,  I'm incredibly over full happy in food nirvana from making crimini mushroom,  asparagus,  green onion in SBT yellow curry 7* spicy after the dog and I got back from our 1.5 hr golden hour/sunset walk.  My current plan is to take the dog out, wash up the dishes,  drink some chamomile tea to go to bed early so I can get 6 hours of sleep before predawn wakes me up between 5:15 and 5:30am for the sunrise....  Then shower and brekkie and maybe a morning walk though I'll need to pick grandma up at like 11:30 am for her 2+ hour vascular appointment to ultra sound her legs try to find solutions to the swelling since she refuses compression or to raise her legs while seated....  It's a good thing I love books,  lol.  (Since I set my own hours for my job,  I take my grandma to all her appointments and errands rather than having my da or his siblings take off work.  I don't mind,  I'm grateful to get to spend time with her especially since she's already 84... In my family on both sides, barring accidents all the matriarchs live into their 90s so I've always helped care for elderly relatives as well as had little kids in my life.)

Anyway.  Grandma tomorrow.  My cousin is in Milwaukee for work so I'll see her Saturday or Sunday, she's being vague and keeps changing times for a visit. And I may see if my friend who had pancreatitis and emergency gall bladder surgery this week wants a visit as long as I'll be in Milwaukee area.  Then cramming all my hours in front of the week because Thurs driving to Detroit via Paw Paw and Ann Arbor to visit Erin until Monday drive back.

(and then the 19th my grandm has a dentist appointment. And the 20th is a 4 course 5 wine outdoor Italian dinner with my mama, then the 21st they're flying to Seattle to see my sister then renting a car to go to their cabin in Whitefish MT where an aunt and uncle are joining them so I'll be living in 2 places.  (their dog can't stay in my condo and my cat can't stay at their house.)  Also while they're gone,  have APT tickets on the 26th.... Basically,  somehow,  my May is ridiculously shaken up and I have no idea how it happened.) 

But for now: dishes and taking dog outside and chamomile tea and bedtime. Bonne nuit!  😘 Sweet dreams! O yeah! It's wishing season again and not just on dandelions gone to fluff!  if you have clear skies you might see some shooting stars in early morning before dawn. The Eta Aquarids,  from the tail of Haley's comet peak today/tomorrow. 

 *yawns*

For the record, in the name of complete honesty, I should probably say that I've been having the nicest warmest snuggliest dreams and shared dream space recently.  Which has been wonderful,  but not the most conducive to wanting to get out of bed.  And it's made it very hard for me not to be soft and malleable in my yearning to fix what got so messed up.  

It's also probably at the root of my recent posts that as much as I want to open up lines of communication again and give another chance try again,  I know I can't if it just means repeating old cycles.  I'm saying it as a reminder to myself not to give in to the temptation, no matter how soft and drawn toward him I feel,  without tangible reasons to expect anything other than repeating the same patterns that have been replaying since October 2018. I need to reaffirm to myself that I'll not be complicit in repeating the same cycles of hurt that are created from not facing this.  

Because last thing I wanna do lately is fight or stay stubborn or try to keep him out... Which is why I must remind me the principle and reasons not to cave without accountability and changes to break the recurring cycle.

Still.  The dreams have been really sweet and wonderful lately! I'm actually going to go back to sleep listening to the bird song and light rain and the smell of the choke cherry blossoms wafting through the open window, now that we're past sunrise. My least favorite thing about Beltane to Lughnasadh is that when the sun rises before 6am, since I can't sleep across sunrise or sunset it means stupidly early bedtime or split sleeping 3 hours at a time with a wide awake gap for predawn/dawn or sleeping all morning.... (my natural sleep cycle is 3 hours - so 6 hours of sleep is 2 cycles while 9 is 3 cycles.  Somewhere between 1-2 hours of sleep is the worst interruption point for me, when I wake up incapable of functioning and staying awake is a better choice than that amount of sleep.)  Early sunrises in the summer wreak havoc on me for having a sane sleep schedule and are the main reason I gave up trying for one after college....

Anyway,  birdsong and light rain and cherry blossom perfume and dream lands for me. Til my next complete sleep cycle wakes me up around 9ish. 

 Ever since I was a kid, I've had this concept in the back of my head that I call my "someday house" and I used to draw out architectural room plans for it. And every time I see some particular architectural and home decor design or gardening concept that I really love, I'll say that I want it in my someday house. I've written before about my someday house, albeit not in a very long while, and it's a phrase that I use quite casually out of habit for things I like or desire in a home. It's changed over the years, but some things have stayed constant in it. 

That I want a library, a room just for the books (as opposed to now where they line the walls of my bedroom and living room -- which is fine for me by myself but not ideal for shared space, lol. Most people come with baggage,  I come with thousands of books....)  That I want a flower garden and apple trees and an herb garden and berry patches (the truth is that I will tend vegetables and grow them for food, and do a good job wit them, but my heart isn't in the vegetable patch.) I specifically love having a flowering fruit tree outside my bedroom window so Spring smells sweet and the birds will visit -- as a kid it was an apple tree and in my current flat it's a choke cherry tree. In college for a few years I didn't have a flowering tree outside my bedroom window and it just felt weird.  I also love birch trees, I still always hug the birch tree in the front yard of my parents house whenever I visit them -- even if I have to climb through knee high snowbanks to reach it. That I want wood floors and tiles because I like the feel of them under my feet and the sound of vacuums makes me irrationally angry so I prefer floors that I can sweep and mop than carpets that require vacuuming. I'm incredibly in love with pretty wood grains -- so as a general rule I'd rather keep the wood grains visible with a stain or varnish than painted wood. And real wood fireplaces inside -- I spent most of my childhood trying to convince my parents that we should install one in my bedroom and we could put tiles around it to make it safe and eventually they told me that nobody has fireplaces in their bedroom in this century. And a big airy open kitchen -- in recent years my favorite are French provincial style in pale lemony yellow paint with white accents because they just feel like sunshine so every time you go to cook you're happy. Not a gaudy eye hurting glare of yellow, softer tones like sunbeams. I've also seen kitchens that are white with pale greens that I like, they make me think of new plants growing.  I always cook my mood. I don't mean to, it just happens. Honestly, don't even let me boil water for tea or coffee or hard boiled eggs if I'm in a bad mood -- I can burn water in a foul temper. So I wouldn't want a dark or heavy feeling kitchen because then the food would all turn out tasting that way. So something bright and cheerful in the kitchen, though not too intensely colorful or patterned, definitely no wallpaper in the kitchen ew  -- sort of a bright blank slate for creating.  And I have a lot of art in various mixed media, mostly Chinese brush work and surrealist and fantasy art and impressionist styles and concert posters, so unless the goal is to live in a version of the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum (in Boston) will need to figure that out.

Mostly when I think of it I just think of wood and lots of light and a feeling of warmth and airiness and feeling at home. And a place for my books and my artwork and a garden and for some reason a piano. There's always been a piano in my someday houses even as a kid -- which is funny as I never learned to play properly, I mostly just use mine try to figure out how to get melodies stuck in my head out of my head.

I've never really finished the house beyond knowing what I do and don't like though, even in my head, because... what I call my someday house has always been a shared house, as long as it's just me my 2 bedroom condo is more than enough space for me and my fur babies, so I wouldn't need an entire house for just me -- I'd only need a house if I were sharing my life. And if it's a shared "someday house" then it never felt right to figure it all out without the input of the person I'm sharing it with. It's the same reason that even as a kid I never imagined my own "dream wedding" and I don't have the ideal in my head for my own wedding (not even the dress or flowers)  because it's just always seemed to me that things that are about building lives together should be built and chosen together not by one person's power tripping ideal in their head.... That it should be a balance and a synergy of both people, not just one, if it's truly about what you are co-creating. So I genuinely don't have any idea of what I'd want for my own wedding, though I have a vague idea I want it somewhere outside because I'm not particularly religious. Somewhere with trees and flowers or a beach because I love the sound of lapping water...but if I had to choose I'll take the trees and flowers and not have sand in everything. There is just one weird thing I've always wanted, I've always had this idea since I was a kid that I wanted to have the vows part of the ceremony under the stars on a clear night, so the stars which send their light onward for eternity can stand witnesses. The stars and I are old friends you see, the stars are my oldest friends -- in all lives I always feel that no matter where or when I am, when I look up at the stars I'm home. So I'd like to exchange the vows with my old friends looking down. Although I've also always been told that that's not a thing people do, say their vows at night under the stars -- people hold the ceremony and the vows part of it during the daytime and anyway how can you guarantee a clear night for everyone to schedule to come? But the vows aren't for other people,  they're for me and whoever I make them with - and I'd rather invite the heavens than social norms. So I still have that vague idea that I'd love to exchange vows with the stars as witnesses, so maybe just a personal vow exchange hand fasting before the stars as opposed to the part of the wedding that is for sharing it with the people who matter in your lives. But still to exchange vows under the stars as witnesses, I'd like that and I've always wanted that. I dunno though, is that too weird? Too cheesy? Too romantic? Too, I dunno, too much?

I have no idea how I get from here to there...I've never known that. Maybe it's because not all of the choices to get there are up to me to make. Or maybe it's because I can't this life. Still, there's never been a time I've been so cynical I can't see it. I've never been able to shake the vision, the idea and ideal of the someday house even if I have no idea how I get there. It's just always been there since I was a kid, same as I've known since I was a kid who I was looking for and waiting on in this life and just sort of dancing my way through enjoying this life until I get there.... 

I never wanted a career or had goals or checklist timelines or anything of that sort you know -- I know that for me this life is a private life solely for me and the people who love me, not a life for the history books or the ever hungry public. And for this life I have always set the course of this life by filling it with soul sparkles of joy and love and beautiful things and I steer my choices by making the people and things I encounter brighter for my touch upon their lives.

But I've always wanted to get to the someday house. And I've always wanted my polar bear. And those two desires have always been the closest thing I've ever held to a fixed north star -- even though I have no idea how to get there and I've spent most of my life with no idea of how to even go about finding it other than a promise from Gabriel in middle school that if I didn't give up but stayed patient with faith in the unfolding that what I sought would find me because of what I chose for my reward life and how I phrased it. I try to remember that, but since December 2019 I've been hearing a whisper that it's time for this chapter in my life to wrap up so the next one can begin. I just don't have the faintest idea of how or what that even means or how to get from one chapter to the next -- only an inner faith that I'll recognize it when I get there..... I'm not there yet. It just keeps feeling closer and closer -- even though I feel like I'm not doing anything at all with my life to keep it moving.

I don't expect any of that to make sense to anyone...much of it doesn't even make sense to me, so how can it make sense to others? Especially in a society where the people are raised to value productivity and checking goals off a list rather than the magic of things unfolding. It's just how it is with me this life, I have no master plans -- I just make it up as I go along based on what I discover and my own special mixture of precogs and wisdom and past life memories and intuition. I'm as likely to pour my energy into healing a sick group of trees or an injured bird or shifting the weather so I can have a safe drive to/from a concert as I am to shift the Universal laws and frameworks of spirit behind the scenes. It's always all in a state of flow with me, never any end goals.  Other than finding my polar bear and getting to have our someday house.  Somehow. though I don't know how to get from here to there, and I've never seen or made a map for it....

And tonight I felt soft and pensive inside and like sharing all that. I dunno why, perhaps it was the rhythm of the rain. Or perhaps it was something internal. or perhaps something external touching my gifts that I can't fully see. But for tonight, we'll say it was the sound of the rain with the windows open.