O, there's nothing new or nothing that I know he's done or decided to do that is at the root of that voice saying it would be better for his sake for me to accept "not this life" and to close the door between us so he can look elsewhere. Granted I don't know much at all about what he's up to or his decisions -- really the only way he's in my life at all at this point is via the bond and that connection and the random improbable synchronicities reminding me he exists.  And honestly, since about 11ish, all I've gotten via the bond is very intense love pouring down it that just drowns out everything else. Including voices under the surface. And it does remind me with that intensity along the bond that I'd be doing something wrong if I were to justify doing anything stupid by telling myself it's what he wants or would be good for him because it is definitively NOT any damn thing he wants. 

But I dunno. What do I actually know about what he wants?  There's nothing tangible, nothing solid in any of it. Just the energy down the bond and that connection between our souls -- and that doesn't hold up to much scrutiny in the light of everyday lives or choices that have been made or are being made.

I did tell you I wasn't intending to do anything tonight. I just felt it was fair to give warning that that way of thinking is circulating through me beneath the surface again. 

And it's also only fair of me to be honest about how the choices of the past have brought us to the brokenness of this moment and how I don't have any trust left in me to extend him or the band over the failure to even acknowledge what happened in Oct 2018 (let alone those directly involved in October 2018) and the consequences of what was done in the name of the entire band. When have I ever wavered in the (re)telling of my side of the story or the consequences of it or how that form of bullying via ostracism has affected my opinion of everyone who condones it in word or deed? When have I ever once even intimated that there was anything to be built with me without honesty and facing this to clear out the poisons it created?

And I don't see a way of fixing that without acknowledging and addressing the truths of what happened and the consequences of it. So if no one but me is willing to step up do that honest work of accountability in this situation, then what's the point in me hanging on or expecting anything this life instead of calling it to make us both move on look elsewhere? 

I don't have an answer to that question -- and it's that question that feeds the voice that says the best thing for me to do for him at this time is to be brutal with myself, do what I don't want to do, to force the ending so we can both look elsewhere for what can't grow here without first doing the work of accountability to remove these poisons that were sown between us.

But perhaps that voice is the very last thing I should be listening to right now.... It could just be born of doubt and worry and past pain and fears of future pain. And that could be all the substance of that voice. 

Perhaps all I should be listening to is the deeper truths, the truths that can't be faked. And that love and energy that flows between us via the bond falls into that category of deeper truths. 

But what good does all that love and the deep truths do right now without the honesty and integrity to be accountable for the past so that good things can grow in the future in the real world?

Je ne sais pas. Je ne peut pas voir cet avenir. C'est opaque. Donc. On verra.