O I haven't written here in an age have I?

Firstly, I'm still single, though Dave got very frustrated with the fact that he once again asked at the start of a song, "Who's in love?" and "Who's looking for love?" and didn't really get an answer to me in either.... The first because I'm single and "in love" means something different "has a life overflowing with love in it." and the second because "looking for love" implies that I'd actually be trying, that I'd be actively out on the weekends or on dating apps (I've never actually even installed ANY dating app, let alone created a profile or used one.)  And neither is true of me -- I'm done dating if I can see the end before the beginning, but I'm content to be single rather than with someone who isn't right for me. I have zero desire to 1) waste my time because I don't have enough enough time for people I love and WANT in my life 2) break my heart or anyone else's (mostly other people's hearts when I date casually, tbh) 3) invest myself or my energy into anyone or anything temporary 4) use up my finite ability to spend time around people on someone I don't even want to be around 5) engage in small talk unless forced.

That said, Nancy's IMMEDIATE reaction after geeking out over the caliber of the musicians and the caliber of them as humans was to ask me if Dave was single and when I said yes to say, "Oh good! Because he's perfect for you, can actually keep up, and obviously into you. And I want to go to a wedding in Ireland." Which is EXACTLY how Melissa reacted to him (though he hadn't broken up with Di yet at that point) and how she reacted when she asked me back in like January or so if he was single yet..... They are both firmly on team wanting to get us together.......

O!!! And I got to meet Joslyn and her 3 friends who flew up to Portland from San Francisco and who Martin was so excited we were right next to each other talking and ran over after the end as he was packing up his mandolin to talk to me and tell me how excited they all were and all the reasons I needed to become friends with Joslyn (all things we covered, but legit part of how we bonded so quick as kindred spirits.)  And because of that encounter and her feeling the compulsion to talk to me about some past issues within the Mat Nathanson fan group/street team (not all fan groups and street teams are the same and MOST are actually quite toxic, ones that function in a supportive family way instead of attacking and tearing other fans down out of jealousy or defensiveness are the rarity and depend ENTIRELY on the band themselves and how they behave AND the people you choose to run it -- the Delta Rae Diehards are ALREADY FUCKING TOXIC. I had a male fan of theirs decide to comment on a post of mine sharing Only IN America that included a comment ACKNOWLEDGING the toxic issues I'd dealt with in 2018 and how close friends and family have been urging me since the start of the "w're country now" decision to let go of the band stop followng them or going to shows because of how toxic that choice and then Britt's actions were for me. Anyway, I did NOT tag the band in the actual post (did share from their facebook post) but it did tag them in the comment but comments don't show up on discussion of a page. Never interacted with this guy before, but he decided to comment on my post telling me I was being unnecessarily harsh and no true fan would ever say anything that critical publicly.  I thought about responding then said, "Fuck it. I'm working not to let this situation trigger me. What does he even matter? I don't know him, we have no mutual friends, and he had to actively seek out this post to even find it. All this interaction has done is confirm my observations and interactions with Jessie, Kendi, Jen, and the Diokete bitch that make me want nothing to do with the Diehards as a fan group or street team. Best delete his comment before one of my ACTUAL friends get protective FOR me and decide to respond though." But anyway, Matt Nathanson fans are universally KNOWN for their extreme levels of cattiness, drama, and jealousy issues to an extent that they are the main reason I stopped going to his shows because they made being in the crowd not an enjoyable time as an empath.)  So Joslyn felt, because of how my empath healer abilities function, to pour out to me within 10mins of us talking every detail of what she had endured in jealousy and ostracism and bullying that still hurts her from so many of them and also how a mutual friend of ours (also in the banjo family of We Banjo 3 fans) got caught in the crossfire of misunderstanding and hurt and I could tell she felt bad about it and wanted to heal it didn't know how and had anxiety about them both being on the We Banjo 3 Ireland bus tour. (This is a thing Irish indie musicians do -- they schedule with one of the tour lines a bus tour in Ireland for their American fans that includes bus, hotel, an itinerary of things they love want people to visit, concerts open to the public, some private acoustic shows, and the band is along on the bus and at the various places/activities for the entire week. they're popular and sound fun but VERY pricey without including airfare and don't provide enough introvert recharge time for me. I'm not saying never, just saying I wouldn't spend my own money on it.)  Anyway, after asking if I knew Amy, Joslyn IMMEDIATELY asked if we could take a selfie with me and her other friend who knows Amy and message it to Amy. (Before even getting into this story about the Matt fan groups and how toxic and cruel mean girls they behave.)  So I used the opportunity to tell Amy Joslyn and I had talked and she confirmed what I knew and Amy has told me about Matt fans being crazy and Amy asked for more info then asked if I'd proof a message she wanted to send Joslyn to clear the air. (VERY proud of Amy on how she wrote it, as she is only child has a habit of justifying defensively her past position wihtout acknowledging where she went wrong and how/why that upset the other person and thus perpetuating conflict rather than making things better and she's working really really hard with some moderate guidance from me on how to improve this.  I had no recommendations except how to end it which she didn't know but would have likely found her way to without my nudging.)  And so the toxic mess of Matt's fans and the hurt over the past I couldn't completely heal, but I could mend that small bit of it and let them then be able to work out a rapprochement and friendship moving forward. AND, I could help Joslyn's healing a lot on the hurt at being friends with a male musician and stupid girl jealousy over it and then choosing to cut ties with ALL band street team and fan groups moving forward not let musicians in close anymore because it's not worth the pain. (I've been through that several times, one was really awful...Been gun shy of fan groups and jealous bullying girl behaviors for about 13 years now as a result -- the boys of We Banjo 3 basically had to FORCE me to it because they told me they adore me and WANT me there and WANT me as their ambassador in the crowd and I am a huge influence on how they developed their own code of conduct and goals for what they want their music and fan group to do to spread love and light and kindness and empathy in the world.  Which is so sweet, you have no idea how it made me melt....)  So I was able to listen to Joslyn without accusing her of a humble brag and acknowledge how much that HURTS to be targeted by female bullying mean girls behaviors and jealousy and how it makes you gun shy about fans and fan groups and quick to be hurt by certain behaviors like ostracism and blocking and how they bring up specters from the past.

Anyway, I'm super excited to have met Joslyn, hope she and her friends come to Milwaukee in August, and I'm really REALLY happy about the healing I could do for Joslyn and Amy (and my past self also had a chekin on how I'm healing and healed  letting go of the hurt that still remained from female bullying jealousy and defensiveness attacks.)

Sunday night was hard after we got back from Portland, despite all the dogs and their constant loving on me snuggliness and trying to sneak up the stairs where they aren't allowed to try to join me. It was hard because Hannah Nancy's daughter is also staying with her and Hannah is in a bad inner space hurting right now over some things and sleeping in the room right next to her room meant I kept feeling her strong sorrows and waking up from my own sleep crying.....

Monday I got to meet Nancy's new boyfriend, he's good for her and she's completely head over heels into him.

My sister worked from home on Wednesday in the morning since she ha a work wine and hors d'oeuvres event in the afternoon that was nearer home than the office -- so I got to spend some time with her just us which was nice.  And then last night was my sister and brother-in-law's date night, so Matt & Amy came over fr pizza party (they were supposed to babysit anyway for the scheduled date night til I ended up being out here during it as well) and the kids were angelically good for us with no meltdowns or tantrums or anything and even Monroe (the 1.5yo) falling asleep easily with no issues. And then the three adults drank beer and watched Stranger Things (Matt & Amy canceled their Netflix so they hadn't seen season 3 at all and I was more than happy for a rewatch.) They're coming BACK over tonight for game night and hanging out to actually get to see Miche & Jon and acually hang out without focusing entirely on the kidlets.

Other than that, I've been having morning and evening with the family, and after I read the kids their bedtime books then Miche & Jon & I head down to the rumpus room and watch whatever we've got on Netflix. During the days, I've been splitting my time between gardening (I have everything moved or in except the 35 gladiolus bulbs which I'm saving to do with Jack but WILL do Monday whatever the weather if not this weekend with him) and reading Infinite Jest (still not super into it though) while cuddling with the cat, and drinking tea/coffee.

O, listened to Back To The Garden release. I like it and the place it's written from. I don't love it, but I like it. And maybe I'd love it if not for how messed up everything is between me and the band as a result of Britt & Jessie's ostracism on the official band account and the behaviors since that decision to block me back in Oct 2018 and the failure of ANYONE in the band to even acknowledge it or respond to it ANY time I have EVER brought it up.  More or less, I don't wish the band ill, but I can't love them or trust them as a result of her behavior and Jessie's continued influence within the diehards and the genuinely cruel nastiness in Britt's nature that comes out whenever she is around or spending time with Jessie.  I mean, there's nothing they can do o make me love them without acknowledging the wrongs that were done by them and seeking to heal th hurt it has caused and continues to cause any time any of the guys share anything from the official band instagram account to their own personal instagram account, especially in stories. That's just how it is.  I just can't trust them not to smack me and hurt me now.... (to give credit where it's due, Eric has done nothing to make things worse or repeat the hurtful bullying behavior of sharing to his story since my last post.)  and so I can't give them my love and trust no matter wht they say til their actions show the truth louder than the mistakes of the past. And they're not there. They're not even trying to get there to heal it.....

BUt I do like the song. I just can't love it. Because I can't let me trust or love anything from them because I expect everything they do to have a backhanded bullying slap to it at this point due to me being blocked on that account and the ways that has been handled and dealt with and the choices/actions surrounding it.

Woke up this morning and saw before my shower that Eric once again has an Instagram story I can't watch (i.e. one from the official Delta Rae instagram account,  which has me blocked for having told them in October 2018 that the country music at shows caused me enough pain due toy color-timbre synesthesia that I could no longer attend shows while that was any part of it.  The country music,  the actual problem,  has been solved.  But Britt's defensiveness and decision to just block a fan rather than even respond in any fashion has made an even bigger problem, and one I will not lie about,  pretend didn't happen,  or shut up about as long as the ostracism continues.)

My reaction was an immediate visceral,  "Ewww. Back to the bullying actively ostracizing fans for him." And I shut down,  pushed him out so he can't reach me via the bond. And I intend to fight to push him away and do the same tonight (and every night) for as long as I am blocked on the band account and he shares ANYTHING from it. Because taking part in unjust ostracism while claiming to believe in justice and equal rights and treating people as a human makes you a fucking hypocrite and a liar.  You don't get a pass saying you believe in something than acting exactly the opposite by behaving in intentionally cruel and exclusionary ways.

And I refuse to let you in and give you any bit of my love while behaving as a bully that way.  Always have and always will.  Your words are meaningless lip service when your actions directly contradict them.  And Eric doing that gives me the strength of will to shut him out stop him from reaching me via the bond, no matter how much love and comfort and need he reaches from soul to soul to try to reach me....

Which should be easier tonight SD ince I'm seeing Dave (and his brother and band brothers) in Portland!!  😁

Alright, I'm about to head to bed because I'm living on toddler/pre-k timelines til March 3 which means my wakeup call is around 7am. However, my sister and brother-in-law have set the Alexa in the guest room (aka office) to play the most random songs to wake me up tell me to set aside my book if already awake and come on upstairs. My favorite so far is "It's Raining Tacos" which earworms the fuck out of me, though "Pancake Robot" is a close second for the earworming randomly singing it after hearing it.....

That said, I have everything as ready as I can be for tomorrow except I need to wake up to shower and should probably do that between 6am and 6:30, especially with how long my hair takes to dry..... (Not that that matters too much because tomorrow is supposed to be the first rainy day of my visit. Seattle area is almost always mostly sunny and enough rain (often overnight) to keep the plants happy whenever I visit -- so they try to get me to visit in seasons that are typically grey and wet, lol.   Anyway, tomorrow Jack has gymnastics at 10am, then we're meeting Nancy for lunch. Then Nancy and I are driving down to Portland OR, gonna spend late afternoon and evening hanging out with my cousin Melissa, then Nancy and I are heading to the We Banjo 3 show (Melissa may come, but hasn't committed to a ticket yet in case she gets tired) then Nancy and I are driving back to her house in South Tacoma and I'll get to meet her doggos. Then in the morning at some point she'll bring me back to my sister and family's house. At which point I can (hopefully) get the remaining flowers/shrubs I didn't plant this afternoon into the ground that I have (the bulbs can wait, and Jack wants to help anyway) but the plants in containers should get in sooner rather than later....

Other than that, I don't have much more in set plans this visit.... Thursday night my sister and brother-in-law are having date night, so Matt & Amy are coming over for pizza and watch a movie and hopefully Monroe won't be sick like last time so I didn't get to watch any of the movie or help get Jack to bed because I had a fussy squalling mildly feverish 8 month old who'd start screaming at everything except while she was being a chest barnacle on me and would wake up start screaming if I laughed or talked loudly or shifted my position too much.  On the other hand, the incredibly adorable but very shy Mo adores me as a result of that enforced bonding night with her as a sick infant. Anyway, that's Thursday. And then Friday Matt & Amy are coming over again so we can all actually hang out. (Matt & Amy are two of Miche & Jon's closest friends and they're wonderful humans and for like 6 years now we've somehow always gotten together during my visits....)

Other than that, I'm just hanging out around their house or anywhere we go together til my flight back to Wisconsin on the 3rd.

But none of that is why I sat down to write instead of sleep.

It's because.... last night and again tonight.... Right between 11pm and 11:30 PST (so 1-1:30am CST) I've felt Eric get very active on the bond and just reach along it and strengthen it and just pull my soul in close against his. Without me reaching for him or asking. He's just been doing it. And, sometimes I forget just how strong he is when he remembers his own strength of spirit and that the bond is as much his as mine......

And. Also. The truth is.... I may be damn stubborn enough, especially when I think my reasons for martyring myself are good, to force of will make myself miserable and not let ME reach for HIM or pull him close to snuggle into his soul.... But my sense of righteous action isn't strong enough to be able to fight him once it's fait accompli and he's already reached me that way on his own. I'm tired and selfish and want it enough to not argue or fight him, to instead just snuggle into the bond that's already open full flood and he's just embracing me surrounding in his love, soul to soul. I'm not saying I'm in the right to accept it, no matter how much joy and comfort it brings me, but I am saying I'm too weak inside and love and want him too much for me to fight it when he does that. I have enough willpower not to allow myself to open wide the connection or try to pull his soul in closer to mine, but not enough willpower to deny or fight him instead of accepting and snuggling into that warmth in him and relaxing there when he's the one reaches along the bond with the full force and flow of his love and pulls at my soul to come closer to his.....

And on that confession, I'm going to go to sleep now.... Feeling surrounded by his love with the bond in full flood and me giving in just curling up into that warmth and love and sense of rightness and belonging......

A warning sign. It came back to haunt me, and I realized. That you were an island and I passed you by. When you were an island to discover. Come on in I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in. I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones, That I started looking for a warning sign. When the truth is. I miss you. Yeah the truth is. That I miss you so, And I'm tired. I should not have let you go.

I'm feeling more than a little conflicted inside today... (Hello Mercury retrograde,  how you doin?)

See,  I woke up early at like 5 or 5:30am,  before the sunrise, and honestly just had the strongest desire of "I want to be held and to curl up into a man's chest with his arms around me,  fall asleep there feeling loved and protected and safe." And it's not the first time I've felt that desire,  honestly more than the lack of meaningful sex it's the lack of someone to curl into and hold you and fall asleep with that way which is the hardest part about a conscious choice to be single not date if my heart isn't in it. Don't get me wrong,  sex is nice and all,  but it doesn't typically wake me up in the middle of the night or make it harder to fall asleep....

Anyway,  for a really really long time now  (ever since I decided to stop wasting my time and breaking hearts by dating if I could see the end before the beginning) I've dealt with this by opening my third eye,  reaching along the bond and drawing Eric's soul closer to snuggle up into it with my own soul. I do it frequently, whenever I want to feel held and loved and safe.  The only times I've not turned to his soul that way are 1) when I've been dating someone else 2) while he was dating the Scorpion chick and I continuously got overlay flashes of, ehrm, any time he got strong emotions including while with her or if the bond strengthened its ebb and flow between him and me 3) immediately following Brittany blocking me on her instagram account and the next day on the band instagram account for me being honest that the country music caused me enough pain to stop attending Delta Rae shows as a result and then after she blocked me like that I decided there was no way for me to accept the boundaries SHE created to not want me in HER life but for me to still have her brother in my life so then to not put him in the middle,  I internally did my best to stifle and keep him from reaching me via the bond from October 28 2018 until I was out here at my sister's in early April 2019 after draining myself so deeply with my work to heal my cousin Shauna as much as I could during the last week of March and then Eric broke through the block in the bond on his own and poured so much of his own strength into the bond I couldn't have shut him out even if I wanted to and 4) since late August when I lost my trust in Eric to respond authentically and with compassion to someone telling him about a cruelty or injustice but instead proved he would gaslight ignore it and take an active role in perpetuating and being a part of it. I've not reached for him via the bond and I've done my best not to let him in since then because..... I don't see a point in leading either of us on or pretending that we can have what we want without healing what got broken by him choosing to listen to the peer pressure from Brittany and Jessie rather than listen to his own conscience and dealing with the mess his sister had made nearly a year before.

We both hurt enough already, so what's the point in me hurting both of us worse by indulging my selfish desire and then still having to go back to the current state of separation and trying to block out contact via the bond for as long as it can't be healthy? It would be unnecessarily cruel to relieve my selfish wanting that way if it's not something we can hold onto and keep.  And so I'll not let me do that to either of us....

So I didn't let me give in to that desire early this morning and reach for him on the bond -- but it was a hard fight and it just made me feel more lonely made me wish that if I couldn't have him that I had someone, anyone, to hold me and for me to fall asleep snuggled up into their chest while they held me in their arms. I don't expect that desire or automatic looking to Eric for that sense of coming home will ever go away, or even get better or easier. It's something I'm going to have to battle down every time I feel alone in the wee hours of the night....and it's never going to be an easy fight to deny myself that comfort..... *sigh*

Is what it is. And I can't go back and make Brittany have more courage/honesty than ego driven pride and I can't go back and make Eric listen to his own conscience instead of caving to peer pressure and I can't even do anything to begin to heal the damage done by Britt's actions blocking me on the band Instagram account that have poisoned EVERYTHING done on the band Instagram or shared form the band Instagram as a result of her act of ostracism and intentional cruelty and injustice. It just makes them cowardly hypocrites at best, the fact it's never been fixed or even acknowledged..... And it makes fixing the broken trust between me and Eric ever more difficult, maybe impossible, no matter what else he does so long as he's sharing ANYTHING from the band Instagram or actively doing anything with that account..... He rebreaks my trust in him every time he shares any post or story from the band account to his own stories so I can see that he's shared a story that I can't watch. He breaks whatever faith started to automatically regrow from the love that I can't dig out of me by his reminding me the truth about him and his actions whenever he shares ANY content from the official Delta Rae band instagram account to his own instagram account and stories..... EVERY time.

~*~*~*~*~

I did listen to Only In America and I do love that song and how it turned out and how they presented it very much. Except for the claim on the Tarot card post about Sweet Home Alabama being a protest song -- that gave me MAJOR icks and nausea and throw up a little in my mouth (not an exaggeration about the throwing up bile into my mouth when I read that) That was not a good thing to have included.... That song is SUCH an apologia for Confederacy and a support of all things bigoted and neo-Nazi Confederacy supporting type southerner that I can't even listen to it when it plays on the radio since I learned the truth about it. The only thing it protests is the progress made against slavery, Jim Crow, and racism in this country.. They may as well said that Dixie is a protest song they aspire to and is what they stand for. Someone really ought to address that and remove it and repudiate it because Sweet Home Alabama and the songwriter's connections to the KKK are NOT something you should EVER be associating yourself with as a band OR as a songwriter OR as a human.....

But other than that one line in that one post,  the song itself made me want to give Ian and Eric big hugs and say, "Now THERE is the Delta Rae I loved and thought I knew! Not that wannabe country faux feminist bullshit of last week that was just more of the selling out -- but THIS is something authentic and real and honest and not afraid of facing the hard truths instead of lying and trying to cover them up the way Britt does to try to pretend she did nothing wrong. THIS song is the Delta Rae that I had loved before everything got messed up -- the honest truth speaking authentic band who are confident enough in who/what they are as artists not to sell out everything they ever stood for to try to fit in a scene that doesn't even want them."

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I loved everything about Only In America. Both musically and lyrically. It's brilliant! And without the other more recent baggage created by Brittany, in the name of the entire band, I'd be listening to this song repeatedly and obsessively right now.

~*~*~*~*~

I'm going to go make another cuppa tea and sit out in the sun and read Infinite Jest (which is really terrible at this point 35pgs in but I WILL finish all 900+ pgs and 150+ pgs of endnotes of it so I have the right to hold an opinion on it, damnit!) for a bit til my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and niece get home.

Post Title: Lyrics to the Coldplay song A Warning Sign

I'm safely in Seattle (well,  Kirkland) at my sister's house. Got in last night.   Jack (4.5 now) wouldn't stop hugging me in the car and last night Monroe (who's 1.5, still too young to talk) is having crying fits trying to sleep comes looking for me because she doesn't want me to disappear again and spent all morning before breakfast on my lap having me read to her. Jack says 15 days isn't long enough a visit if I'm going to be stolen by other people as well for some of those days.  😂

I'm not actually in Kirkland tonight - I'm in Edmonds.  Cath Cath picked up Thai food and Theo brownies for everyone for dinner then stole me for the night to see her kittehs Finn and Morgan then go with her on one of her longer drives - ferry over to the peninsula then up to Port Angeles (I'll be at Odyssey Book Shop if you're looking for me,  lol) then to Sequim (pronounced skwim) and then back.  Plan is to listen to Hadestown st on the drive.  (she's a theatre person,  gorgeous blue toned sapphire-iolite colored alto.) Then returning me to my family in Kirkland around dinner o'clock. 

Then Fri/Sat, Dave and the rest of We Banjo 3 will be at Wintergrass festival in Bellevue - literally an 18mins drive from the house BUT it's a $76 Lyft without surge pricing or from Jon's work in Bellevue it's half hour bus ride then 12mins walk from nearest bus stop.  So short of the guys offering to come get me and bring me back, I'm not going.  (and I won't ask.  I hate asking for anything as a general rule.  AND I especially hate asking for favors from musician friends to get me in or to do something before a performance.... Even if they've told me to just ask, I won't because I feel presumptuous.)

Sunday meeting up with Nancy who's taking me to Portland for the We Banjo 3 show there though.  Then overnight with her and her doggos before she returns me to my sister's family.  Then nothing but my sister and brother-in-law having a date night while I watch the kids with Matt & Amy on 27. Then I fly home March 3.

Also.  I had bought Cathy a cat tarot deck back in Oct and gifted it to her tonight and she LOVES it!!!  Which pleases me greatly! I knew she would,  but knowing and seeing the joy the gift gives are different,  y'know?

I had a really wonderful Valentine's Day! Nothing romantic, just... a lot of love from my bitches.  the closest to anything romantic was Dave spending all day posting cute valentines on the band accounts and on his personal one dropping reminders and statements about him being single and how his dog back home at his parents' house in Galway is his forever valentine, lol. All of which was super adorable made me go, "awwww!"

My dog was extra snuggly all day long, literally more than anything else in the world she just wanted to curl up with me and snuggle. ALL day!!!  (and she's sooooo excited and happy for her new Bucks jersey my mam ordered for her to replace her Packers jersey which I take from her as soon as we're done for the season and it will make people sad instead of happy. Pup was refusing to wear her Badgers jersey after the game we lost to the 49ers, and I genuinely think it was because the red jerseys are the ones we lost to and she won't be a traitor to the Pack, so my mum thought that getting her one for a team that is also a similar shade of green, but still a Sconnie team would please her. My dog is so ridiculously happy and proud with her new Bucks jersey!!!!  She was more excited for it than for her latest BarkBox that came in earlier this week, lol.)

Also, when I got in late last night from work, there was a box of chocolate covered oreos on the counter with my name on it (literally) from Alana (who's still staying in Spare Oom.)  Yesterday, she celebrated Galentine's Day with her sister Augusta and bff Maddie since all 3 had off work and so they met in Baraboo and treated themselves to Galentine's Day chocolates and decided to get me the box of chocolate covered oreos. And it was super sweet made me smile!!! And while I have so far eaten 3 of the 9, I gave 2 to Mikaela (who was super excited for them) and 2 to my da who didn't know what they were just popped one whole in his mouth when I offered him from the box and then his eyes lit up over it.

Mikaela was off school today, so her mom dropped her off after a neurology appointment and since her afternoon pt appointment was canceled that i was going to take her to, Mikaela suggested a fire. I told her I was out of firewood so we'd need to get some but that it sounded wonderful. So she and her mom stopped and got a $5 cord of wood! As well as doughnuts from Greenbush Bakery for breakfast! So we had donuts and coffee, then laid a fire and drank tea while curled up near the fire reading. then ordered Tai's for lunch (Mikaela's favorite Chinese food) and i was able to bring some food into the office for her mom and my parents.)   And then after lunch, as the last of the fire was burning down, we both were lazy sleepy and wanted a nap and my cat Spock was curled up all cute in the bed so we decided to go invade and had a snuggle party with the fur babies and interchanged napping and reading for the rest of the afternoon. (I have a queen size bed. And yes Mikaela is 14 years old, but she's always been a hugger and a cuddler as a primary love language -- especially with her mother and with me as her older sister/cousin not related to her..)

Then I came into work and Crissy had dropped off cupcakes she'd baked the night before and brought into work. (Raspberry chocolate stout cupcakes and lemon chambord cupcakes.)  And Iopened a bottle of champagne (technically blanc de blanc) that I had put in the fridge at lunch and shared it with my mum, Sarah, Karissa (who was still here) and a small 14 year old sized pour for Mikaela. (In Wisconsin, while you're under 18, it's legal to drink alcohol so long as you're with your parent, spouse, or legal guardian and have their permission. Between 18 and 21, you can't, but under 18 you can.)   I also gave my dad some bubbly, though it was far too dry for him so mixed it with his black cherry soda like a kir royal, lol. So we had champagne and cupcakes and chocolate covered oreos together.

And then I've been at work hanging out with my dog since then. (Will be coming into work tomorrow as well.)  Sunday I have plans for symphony tickets, and maybe some figure skating with mom. O, and I get to head to Seattle on Tuesday to spend two weeks with my sister and brother-in-law and nephew and niece!!!!!  (although I am being stolen twice to go to Port Angeles and Sequim with Cath then Portland with Nancy to see We Banjo 3. And I may be stolen by We Banjo 3 to join them at the Bellevue Wintergrass festival which happens to be while I'm in Kirkland.... But I don't have a car so didn't commit to festival tickets and we've been dropping hints on both sides but I hate asking musicians to take time out of their schedules on performance days to come get me or drop me off or even just spend time with me unless that's a part of what they want/need for their own sake.....)  And then I get back and immediately there's two Socks in the Frying Pan shows, Choir of Man tickets with the family, then about half a dozen We Banjo 3 dates right near me, then some Aoife O'Donovan shows, then to St. Louis for a weekend for the last date on WB3's Rise and Shine tour, and then a whole bunch of Aoife Scott tour dates AND the Coronas AND East Pointers just announced they're touring back this way and have a lot of driveably close shows for us in early June!!!!!! So basically, all my Irish friends (and also Prince Edward Islanders) are showering their love on me in March, lol.

So yeah. Busy busy busy (though not while in Seattle/Kirkland other than right at the start) but just a big happy puppy love fest!!!

Like I said, other than Dave's hinting about crushes and constant, "I'm very much single not in a relationship right now" today there was nothing romantic but I just felt very loved and surrounded by love and giving love to the people in my life who mean a lot to me.


~*~*~*~*~

Also, I listened to From Woman To Another today... I ate first to make sure I wasn't hangry irritable so intentionally fault finding then listened to it three times (with a long gap in between the second and third listen during which I watched Sunday's Doctor Who episode followed by eating one of the cupcakes from Crissy) to make sure that my reactions were stable not just knee jerk first reaction.

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And genuinely, there's musically nothing I like about it except the electric guitar intro at the start and the piano with horns at the bridge. Those are both beautiful and the promise of a bluesy jam at the start made the song itself even more of a letdown, tbh.  The vocals are just -- there's nothing good to say about them other than they're completely predictable nothing special, and then the songwriting is just really not great at all. It's a filler song, like you saw in the 80s and 90s to fill out an album with mediocrity that the artist didn't hate but everybody knew to be a throw away song meant to just fill out the number of tracks between the songs you hope make radio. And that's not a thing you do in the modern age with track by track downloads..... Honestly, there's nothing particularly above the mediocre forgettable in the melody or the lyrics and if anyone had asked my opinion, I'd have said that the song lacks power, passion, or pathos and without one of those 3 it's quite simply flat like drinking champagne you opened and left out overnight......

Genuinely, it's a song that I will always skip and never willingly choose to listen to and no instrumental layers or vocal gymnastics or production choices could save it from its own mediocrity -- the problems are in the song itself and its desire to be a cheap redux of Carrie Underwood but without any hook in the chorus. This isn't about who wrote it, it's about the song itself and what it wants to be but doesn't achieve because it's not real or authentic it's just trying to fit in be something it ain't. If you can't use your music to express something real in a way that is authentic to you, then you're never going to write a song with power and a hook because there's no soul light coming through the mask of it... And this song ain't nothing but a cerebral idea and a mask of trying to pretend to be something you aren't to fit in.....

If I had any expectations left based on how great their previous songs have been in the past, I'd be disappointed at this... But I've moved to an inner point of objective observation, with no expectations for good or bad from them, just a desire to see what is because the love I have for the music they have made in the past deserves I see this through.

To be clear,  following Britt's behavior in Oct 2018 on the band account, which was her third rejection attack at me and the help I offered to her to come back to the Goddess,  I cut the karmic cord between us.  And the Goddess burnt out any attachment points the night she warned me that Britt had gone too far and was not welcome back to the Goddess and I could not intercede for her in the future.  Since then,  I look at Britt and I feel no connection whatsoever and I feel nothing at all in response to any song she sings lead.

Those are the consequences of Britt's choices and actions that precipitated all of this.  She has exiled herself from The Goddess and her Goddess given magic was stripped from her forever (she still has her dark vengeance seeking magics she learned elsewhere,  but she has nothing of the light or Goddess given gifts any longer) and all karmic ties between her and me were cut.  She is free now to pursue whatever path she chooses,  any path except ones that lead to the Goddess or me.  The Goddess does not trust Britt as a result of Britt's behaviors toward me and Britt's choices and actions since October 2018....

The consequences of Eric's actions and choices are that he disappointed me and shattered my trust in him due to the choices he made and the actions he chose in late August 2019. The bond is still there,  it's not a cord to easily cut, but I don't trust him not to knowingly choose to hurt me.  I can't let him in now because I can't trust he won't use that to choose to hurt me.  And when I look at him or hear his voice now,  I expect hurt and pain from him,  I don't expect good. And that is new since August 2019 - it's a direct result of his choices and actions in caving to the peer pressure from Britt and Jessie.....  And it's not something that will heal on its own.  It's not something that gifts of pretty things he creates can make better.... It's what he taught me I should expect from him - and only his conscious choices and actions to be better could teach me something different about him....and if he wants that,  I'm going to STRONGLY suggest not listening to anything Britt or Jessie might tell him or advise him - regardless their intentions, they'll only betray him and make things worse with me for him.  Nothing they're involved in will help him heal this if he wants to fix what he broke.  They don't know me and following their advice will make me trust Eric less than I have since late August....

And those consequences of the choices and actions made by Britt and then Eric are about them and their ethics and the sort of persons they choose to be.  Dave has nothing to do with those choices or the consequences of those actions. He just happens to be in my life at the right time and place to benefit from the closing of one door opening another.....

But I'd still react to Britt and Eric's actions and choices the exact same way if there was nobody in my options.  Their choices they have made and acted on are the problem. And that has nothing to do with anyone else's choices.

That last came out sounding more accusatory than I intended it...  I don't blame Eric,  how can you punish or be upset with someone for failing a lesson they haven't yet learned?  Still.  I know it must feel like an accusation,  someone you love in the only way you know how to love saying you don't really love them,  or at least you don't love them the way they need to be loved.... Nobody could hear that without it hurting.  And not just a little sting,  but a big hole inside you rejection denial of what you feel so deeply in your own heart of hearts.....

And I'm sorry for that hurt.  I didn't mean to do that.  I didn't mean it as an accusation.....

It's just how things are now.  It's what we have to work with now.... I could lie about it.  But even if a lie made it short term hurt less,  it would make it hurt worse long-term.  After all, lying to myself or you wouldn't help fix anything or change what we have to work with now.

I genuinely don't want to be worshipped, I genuinely wish to be loved for me qua me....  And maybe to anyone who's never been idolized that seems a smaller love than having someone put you on a pedestal,  but it isn't. For me it's so much bigger a love.  It's a love that sees beyond the incandescent glamour on the surface, sees into the truth - and loves even the most annoyingly impossible most everyday mundane frustratingly stubborn stupid things about that truth.  It's a love that sees you clearly and loves all of everything that you are - even the mess and contradictions and trying to be better than you have been.

I need to be loved by someone who will love me qua me,  just as I am.

And.  My nature is such that intentional cruelty or knowingly taking part in meaningless hurt to another is a deal breaker.  It's an ethical line of right and wrong for the unfolding of the Creation that I cannot bend on.  Injustice and bullying and intentionally acting in ways you KNOW are designed to hurt another part of the Creation is an ethics issue for me.  It's a sickness in your soul to either desire to bully and hurt another or to rationalize allowing or taking part in someone else's acts of bullying and intentional cruelty.  It's a wrong so wrong that when you witness or are made aware of it,  your silence is complicity that the cruelty and injustice is an acceptable way to treat people.

Caving to peer pressure to make your acts of cruelty "acceptable" is something I can never support,  never condone.  Not from anyone.  Ever.

Selling out your ethics to peer pressure is worse than never having a sense of right versus wrong at all.  To knowingly do wrong is far worse than a wrong committed in ignorance.....

And until Eric learns this lesson,  no amount of loving what I love about him can make me accept him without calling him out as a bully and tool of the manipulative bullying of others.  Not while he is so easily pressured into acts of knowingly being hurtful.  I cannot be bent into complicity by condoning it,  not in anyone.

And knowing that about him,  how could I ever trust him not to hurt me or hurt others I love while he is malleable and justifies cruelty this way?  How could I ever forgive myself if I know this about him and yet allow him access to hurt people I care about?  People who will build their trust he wouldn't hurt them on their trust in me?  How can I do that,  knowingly betray their trust when I know of this flaw and unlearned lesson in him?  How is betraying their trust in me any different than if I committed the act of cruelty/bullying myself? It isn't.  It's still a betrayal,  still me being complicit in the cruelty and bullying he chooses to justify his participation in. And I won't do that.... It means I can't trust him not to knowingly do wrong, him knowingly justifying his acts of bullying and cruelty and injustice.

At a very basic level, now I can't even trust that he wouldn't knowingly hurt me if peer pressure told him it was okay and he should.

And what sort of healthy love can you hope to build if you can't even have the most basic foundation of trust?

This is what I've been coming to terms with since August about who and what he chose to be when he decided to go live on the band instagram account while ignoring and gaslighting the very real act of ostracism and bullying in his actions by doing it on that platform after being informed that it was unfair and fans had been blocked there for being honest.

That's what all he shattered in me by HIS choices and HIS actions. And it doesn't matter to me what pressure tactics were used,  what excuses anyone used to rationalize and convince him down that path - the actions and choices were still his.  It's trust in him, whether he can be trusted not to knowingly do wrong and hurt people or take part in acts of injustice and ostracism,  that he broke by his actions.

And nobody can even begin to heal that or repair it but Eric himself....  And he can't do that without acknowledging the wrongs he did,  trying to make it right,  and then trying to prove that it was a mistake he's not going to repeat.....

And he hasn't done any of that.

So he hasn't repaired ANY of the trust or faith in him his choices broke.  He has only made it worse by gaslighting the problem in his refusal to even acknowledge it and in every minor petty way he has committed ANY act of ostracism on the band account or by sharing content from the band account.  He has made it perfectly clear that he sees nothing wrong with being a bully, acts of intentional cruelty,  and perpetuating systems of inequality created in his name.

I have no trust or faith in him. I haven't since the end of August.  He has trained me now to expect cruelty from him, and to accept that he doesn't care about the hurt his actions cause. And that's something he taught me,  by his choices and his actions.  However he has justified those actions and justified perpetuating the system of ostracism and gaslighting by ignoring any attempt to bring it up.... No matter the social pressure tactics and manipulation used,  he still chose to give in go along with it. He's the one who shattered my trust in him.

And nobody can even begin to heal or repair that but him. By taking responsibility for his own choices and actions, and by choosing not to do things that are wrong,  that intentionally hurt others.

That's not accusatory.  It's just the facts of how we got to here,  the facts of cause and effect..... The facts of what is beyond me or anyone else fixing for him....

I was thinking about it across the full moon.  And, I do think this is in many ways my fault.I asked for too much, before Eric had learned the lesson he needs to learn before we can be good together....  I'm the one who assumed that us not crossing paths for so many lives meant that he no longer wanted me.  I'm the one who chose last life to splash my life as huge as possible so nobody could miss it,  so that if he wanted to find me,  he couldn't miss me.  And I'm the one who chose to ask for this reward life that 1) I live it always surrounded by the love of people I love 2) any soul seeking me be able to find me and 3) as long as those first 2 conditions were met I'd like to grow old because I haven't in such a very very long time.

I did all those things because somewhere in the 18th century I got impatient and had believed he no longer wanted me. I was smart enough not to ask specifically for Eric in this life, the Universe will always teach you a lesson when you ask it for specific gifts that aren't in their proper time,  but I setup my criteria knowing he'd find me with a window opened like that. And then i waited.  And he did - but he's still not ready,  he still hasn't learned his damn lesson from 600 years ago.... And so he failed because he was tested on it before learning his proper lessons.  And that has hurt us both.

You see,  he spent the 600 years self-flagellating in guilt over having set in motion what led to my death and what I warned him that life would lead to my death.  My death path,  to die a martyr that life,  was inescapable - but feeling guilty about him being the cause of my death didn't need to be his to carry.  I'd have been captured,  questioned,  and burnt no matter who was the one who found me.... I just didn't want him to blame himself for the inevitable.  But he made his choice that he was going to follow the social peer pressures of the time and turn me in to his lord rather than heed my warnings about what it would do to him and how despite whatever promises he insisted on,  he was leading me to my death path.  And when he came to see me to ask my forgiveness before I died,  I was angry at the whole farce of my questioning, and I was not particularly kind to him,  mostly just told him,  "Well what did you expect to happen?  I did try to warn you.... My forgiveness means nothing in this situation." So he spent 600 years of lifetimes blaming himself for that death instead of learning the lesson to trust his own conscience and to take responsibility for how the consequences of his choices hurt other people rather than deferring to peer pressure and social pressures to make his choices. And he STILL hasn't learned that lesson.....

And so we both got hurt (again) because I pushed too soon to have him back in my lives thinking he didn't want me and from Eric failing being tested on the life lesson he was supposed to learn but still hadn't.

But he still hasn't even tried to learn that lesson,  he's still avoiding it.  And until he learns it,  he will ALWAYS cave to external pressure and he will ALWAYS hurt those he loves most because he refuses to acknowledge the consequences of his actions - and that's how it will be with him until he learns this lesson he's avoiding.

And for me.... Desiring me and worshipping me isn't what I want,  it's not loving me.  I've been worshipped across so many lifetimes,  as a queen, as an empress, as a priestess, as a goddess on earth,  as a martyr,  as a warrior heroine,  as an artist/writer,  as a star.... I shine brightly enough to dazzle anyone into following me and carry the avenging fire of Creation inside me as my raison d'être for incarnating at all,  because there were evils to be fought in the creation and I stepped up said,  "if not me,  then who?" So worship is easy,  far easier than attempting to protect me or keep me from a glorious death in a life where that's my fate.  Worship coupled with desire I know well - and I know it to be hollow, empty, meaningless,  and lonely. Only somebody who has never been worshipped would want it.  And I have been, in many lifetimes and by literally millions of souls.  I'm STILL worshipped by some for my past lives.  But worshipping me is meaningless.   Nobody sees me,  they see the light surrounding me and the object of their adoration. But they don't see ME.  And that's not what I want.  I don't desire to be worshipped,  I wish to be seen for exactly who and what I am, my humanity and my flaws and all,  and I wish to be loved for someone seeing me. I don't want worship,  pedestals are lonely places.  I want someone who can see the power and the weaknesses, the good and the not so good, everything there is in my nature and love me for all of it. Truly love me, not worship me.  The sort of love where you cherish what you love and don't want to hurt it - not because it can't survive the hurts but because when what you love hurts, you are hurt.

I don't want to be worshipped,  I don't want you to try to impress me....  I want to be seen and accepted for everything I am and loved for my isness. 

Which is something Dave as he is now does better than almost anyone else I've ever encountered. He cares intensely about how people hurt and about how his decisions affect other people - sometimes he cares so much about not wanting to hurt someone else he ignores his own wants/needs. It's also something that Eric is incapable of until he learns the lesson he's avoiding.  Because taking responsibility that your choices/actions can hurt another and to know you don't want to hurt them is at the heart of what it is to truly love another part of creation.... And Eric has lost that. He can desire and he can worship,  but as long as he chooses to prioritize peer pressure over listening to his own conscience about how his actions will hurt someone,  Eric can't truly love.... Not the way I need to be loved in this life -  the love that would never intentionally be cruel,  never intentionally hurt the other, and would immediately seek to heal any hurt once you realized you'd accidentally done it.

And the greatest irony of it?  The life in which his part in the path to my death set off such guilt but did not teach him the lesson he needed to learn in Eric?  In that life,  Dave was the arm of the Church and the judge who questioned me and condemned me to burn.  Which is why in my anger I told him he'd not be allowed to move on from that life til he saw he was wrong and he saw me martyred and sainted. Which is why he then spent 250 years or so as a ghost til I found him and released him. But it's ironic,  that he's the one actually ordered my death that life, but now he's the one who learned the karmic lesson he struggled with is now capable of seeing me and loving me the way I need to be loved rather than worshipped.  while Eric spent all those 600 years blaming himself wallowing in guilt but not learning the lesson so he has now failed the same test in a new form..... He still chose peer pressure over his own conscience, over right and wrong,  over taking responsibility for the hurt his actions inflict. And it's why as he is right now, Eric can't love me the way I need to be loved in this incarnation.... But Dave can.

Karma is so exacting and fascinating in the name of ma'at...

For the record.

Just because I can feel inside my own heart all the weight of Eric's hurt and sorrow and disappointment that everything he planned so carefully and has worked so fucking hard on isn't working to sweep me off my feet as he has dreamt it would, doesn't mean it changes anything.  It just means I hurt more about making me let him go and putting the inner bond to sleep.   It doesn't fix anything that's been broken,  it doesn't repair my broken trust that he simply doesn't CARE when his actions cause me pain even when I tell him about it before he sees the intended actions through,  it doesn't stop the bullying that the band is STILL guilty of due to the system of ostracism created on their official Instagram account,  and it certainly doesn't bring me back as a fan or even an admirer of what they're creating after how I've been treated in the name of the band from official band accounts....  Nothing can do that but facing the wrongs done by members of the band in the band's name AND Eric choosing to address his part in what he did to give me tangible reasons to believe that's NOT actually the sort of man he chooses to be.

All it does is break my heart worse over me having to be true to my ethics and follow the only remaining course open to me by his/their refusal to even acknowledge this.

But it changes nothing about what I will do,  because I feel I must with how fixed things are with their mistakes and refusal to admit the wrongs they've done,  let alone fix them,  by Eric and his sister and from official band accounts.  I'm still as certain this is the best path for everyone in light of their choices/actions, and I still intend to pursue moving forward in this life.

Nor does it dampen my excitement to see Dave again in two weeks!  Nor does it lessen how hard Dave's working (and succeeding) at sweeping me off my feet absolutely charming me with the goodness and goofiness and wonder and love in him for me. Letting myself love him knowing I can without fear I'll hurt him before even going into it and the sheer unbridled delight and wonder in him at having his love reciprocated is intensely beautiful and joyous.

It just weighs on my heart and hurts me,  to feel Eric's deep sorrow and pain and disappointment and loss.  This isn't what he wants or ever wanted,  even if it is what he has chosen by his actions.

Once Dave says something direct and finally goes for it,  I won't hesitate or do anything to knowingly break his heart. And that does mean I will use every power at my disposal to put the bond to sleep or at least keep Eric from reaching me via it.  There are no more chances for Eric except 1) facing and fixing what he and his sister broke AND getting the courage to ask me before Dave does or 2) waiting and hoping Dave fucks up somehow with me so Eric will get another opportunity  eventually all while Eric works to repair everything he has broken with me that needs fixing before I can trust him any further with my heart (and honestly,  the chances of Dave letting himself fuck up with me if there's anything he can do to keep that from happening are practically nonexistent. He's VERY focused and determined and more scared of losing me than anything else at this point. Except maybe his fear of asking and me saying no.)

I did find the original film noir of Mildred Pierce. (turns out Daily Motion has TONS of old films up online for free. Who knew? Well, I'm sure people did -- but I didn't know.)  Anyway, I watched it and it wasn't bad, but Joan Crawford wasn't that great an actress (pretty, but not a good actress) and there's a LOT more beautiful nuance in the acting and directorial choices of the HBO remake. If you're a completionist or REALLY love film noir or into film history you can watch it. But the new one is day and night better. Long, but far better.

The framing narrative for the sensors of the 40s is a bit odd and doesn't add much to it.  And like I said, the acting isn't quite as good as the 2011 miniseries. (and the music isn't NEARLY as incredible as the music in the miniseries. The music of the Mildred Pierce miniseries is really beautiful.)

So if you want it, you can go watch it. But you'll be happier if you just watch the 5 episode HBO miniseries.

Alright, I'm gonna make me another cuppa tea and a little something to eat because all I've eaten so tonight is three cups of green tea and the last 1/4 of an Endangered Species  cranberry orange & cinnamon dark chocolate bar. Then some more inputting while I watch this week's Doctor Who episode and figure out what to binge watch next. Luckily I'm all caught up on teh time sensitive things I did last night from being gone the first part of the week while sick.

Tomorrow night I'm headed to Milwaukee to see Ye Vagabonfs at ICHC with Crissy and Amy. They're an Irish band, mostly trad songs 9not tunes) with pretty harmonies. It's very important to Sara Lou (the current head of booking for Irish Cultural heritage Center, in the old church. It's one of my favorite venues, and not just because it's an old church with massive beams and pews for seats and the old altar is the stage with the organ behind it -- and beind it is a rabbit warren to get to the bathrooms AND a bar in the back back room that always has fresh Guinness and Smithwick's on tap because Irish) and hasn't sold well and while I was pretty evenly balanced between "I can be happy going" and "I can be happy not going" BUT the fact this is the show that means so much to Sara Lou and she's been telling everyone about since setting the schedule is what tilted us to go.

And then on Sunday we're supposed to meet up with Amy in Kenosha area (halfway between Madison and Chicago) to hang out since we haven't seen each other much recently other than during the craziness of fest season back in August and then at We Banjo 3 shows in Ohio where there are just a LOT of people in the "Banjo Family" around so didn't really get a proper catchup.

(Banjo Family is the boys and their sound guy Frank who is the fifth Beattle of their band, everyone in Crew, and other longterm fans who for whatever personal/interpersonal drama reasons don't want to be in Crew. It's definitely messy and occasionally dysfunctional like a big extended family, but it works far better than most street teams do. And I say that as someone who has been involved at various levels in countless street teams of numerous indie bands since I was 17, lol. The thing is though, i only offer to help out with them and show up for bands where I respect all the people involved in their team -- or after some bad interactions when I get dragged into it whether I want to or not by the band themself. Like Enda insisted for We banjo 3. but I'll only stay so long as the band and everyone they associate themselves with are people I can respect and their motives remain pure and good. I leave, even if it hurts me, any time a band sells out their ethics and starts doing morally shady shit and taking their career down paths taht are motivated by a quest for fame or stardom rather than about the creative process and being good souls using their art to help heal people. I'm a healer, whether it's a warrior or a teacher life I'm always a healer -- and I don't heal those who willfully reject their own healing and choose to be lesser versions of themselves or who choose to be cruel to other souls. Not ever..You will always lose me and my support/respect/love when you choose the path of selling out fame or when you choose acts of intentional cruelty to another part of the Creation. And you can't have it back til you make right the wrongs you've done -- however long that takes you to face it and to start the healing of the wrongs you inflicted in your own selfishness.....)

Last night I got around to watching Dave's livestream on the We Banjo 3 instagram account -- I had tried to watch it while it was live but my phone kept dropping signal so i promised him if he left it up I'd watch it later. So he did set it to stay for the 24 hours, and I watched it while watering my plants at work.  (He was super cute about it, even a little shy trying to hide behind his banjo a couple times for... reasons.... But he was super happy, especially when going through the shows and every one he knew I'd be at. Plus I didn't mind him using it to force hi to practice Clawhammer banjo more or him getting technical about how different it is from tenor banjo and also from using a plectrum to play. And I liked that he ended with Shine On.)

After that I watched Bronx's Pisces reading for the month and a pick a pile she did. they were both quite spot on. I may rewatch it later tonight though.... Bronx is really my favorite tarot reader in the current astro twitter community. She taps in strongly and both her analysis and perceptions are meticulously insightful.  There are others, like Nina, who pull cards that are spot on, but then their analysis/reading is like, "WTAF?! How did you even conclude THAT?!?! Projection much?!?!?!"

Anyway. The Pisces applies well to me, as a Pisces rising, but I suppose it also applies to Eric as well as a Pisces....  And I can see that too.... Especially since I can't yet completely shut him out and especially as we're getting closer to the full moon, he's getting louder again, his emotional space is and he's.... not in a good way emotionally...tonight he's been having an incredibly rough time and it hurts inside me and I just want to fix his hurting make it better when I hear his hurting like that..... Thus why I need to shut him out to be fair to Dave (or anyone else I might date) and that was one of my reasons I was initially not going to give Dave a chance -- because there's something beautifully fragile and vulnerable in him and I decided when I first met him in this life that I didn't want to break his heart if I couldn't love him as he deserved. And I can't without Eric taking himself out of my options and then me putting the bond to sleep. And the choices made by Britt and then Eric since 2018 have opened up a pathway for me to see this through as my best course of action for my own mental/emotional health -- to accept their choices and their actions and let them go set them free of me until they make choices that fic where they have gone wrong and then bring them back to find me again, in this life or another. And if I do that, my biggest reason I chose not to give Dave a chance 7 years ago evaporates. And that's where we're at. And I'm sorry that Eric's hurting so, it hurts me that he's hurting and I'm still grieving and suffering it in my own way even if I DID precog about it and DID warn Eric in his dms in the Spring of 2019 when he broke back through my previous internal block that the actions of Britt in October 2018 were a bigger threat to him losing me than the country music causing me pain.... I mean, it's not like I DIDN'T precog it all after what Britt did the day after the tree of Life Synagogue shooting and it's not like I didn't warn him we'd end up here if he didn't address it and fix it.... I knew from the moment her choices forced us down this path. And I did warn Eric. And I hate that's he's hurting so right now...  Which I'm not blameless for, but what else would you expect me to do if you remove any idea of me compromising my ethics?

As for the Pick a Pile reading... before even watching it, the rose quartz stack called to me if I thought on Dave. And the moonstone stack while thinking on what's going on with Eric. And the last one i wanted nothing to do with, I rejected it strongly.....  That fit too.

And that's really all I feel like writing about now. That's more than I meant to write. I was only going to write about the original film noir Mildred Pierce probably not being worth your hour 40 to watch..... I didn't mean to rewalk the same circles, just with the new information about wher Dave is at internally as of yesterday, but still the same patterns.

Last night I had dreams about Dave.  The kind of dreams that are glimpses further down potential fate lines.  All my dreams were like that.  They were really beautiful memories of potential futures with Dave,  and I woke up really happy from them!!

I've not had dreams like that about Eric since the one in November that made me wake up crying.  And before that,  none since prior to him going live on the band insta account and completely ignoring me telling both the band and a public response to his own tweet about it on his own personal Twitter why that was unfair and exclusionary for him to do on the band's instagram account, especially under the aegis of showing "all" their fans how much they love them want to share the moment with them..... Which is what made me decide to cut him out from reaching for me via the bond and not to let him back in as long as he was going to follow his sister's tack of ostracism/ exclusion and ignoring/gaslighting any attempts to talk about it.

That's when he lost me over this issue of principle which he apparently lacks. or at least, that his actions he chose at that time and have not altered show me that he lacks.  Those were his choices,  his actions,  and they are his to make amends for before he can have any sort of foundation to build upon.  Doesn't matter how he rationalized it or whose brand of logic he listened to that brought him to those actions -- it was still his free will that bent to saying, 'this is an acceptable way to handle this situation." And it's over his actions (NOT anyone else's that set him up) that he is losing me.

And it's ultimately the moment that I realized I don't want him in my life this life if that's the sort of man he chooses to be, and he has made it clear in his actions that is who he chooses to be. Those choices and actions of his at the end of August, they are decisive moment that shifted the course, his actions at the end of August are how and why we have ended up on this path of separation rather than one bringing me back in closer to him.

The thing to remember with Tarot cards,  including when I'm using them,  is that they tell you of the fate line you are on - that's all they ever tell you.  I shuffle them to see what jumps while I meditate on them when I'm confused,  indecisive, disoriented,  things are opaque to my precogs,  or following a massive swirling flux in the winds of time that have made chaos of the ordered perhapses of contingent precog fate lines I knew.....

But the cards NEVER tell you what will definitively be - they tell you what is on the fate line you're currently on.

However,  the most important thing to any precog,  especially one who peeks through the veil into maybes,  is that free will determines which fate line you ACTUALLY walk.  If you accept the reading on your fate line as set in stone FACT then it becomes your fate.  But unless there's an immutable precog of a thing that WILL BE across every potential fate line, you ALWAYS have the power to choose between them.  It's why I spend so much time with the swirling contingent precogs of potential fate lines - knowing the consequences of choices makes it easier for me to make choices.

Just not when choices roil and tangle up the winds of fate to change all of the fate lines.... Not just mine, ALL of them....  Caught up in a whirlwind of a flipping coin waiting for the choice that would lay them out anew.....  It's terribly disorienting when that happens.

Anyway.  About the cards that jumped for me at 4am. Those are not immutable, they are just the fate line we are on now if neither of the men make changes to be better or worse than the trajectory they are currently on. There's a certain inertia to staying in the fate line you're on,  like the needle of a record player left alone to mechanically follow the grooves of the record.... But we're not records. You can change your choices/actions that have determined your trajectory and that epiphany you need to change your current fate line is like physically moving the needle on to another song - that other song is now the fate line your choices flipped you to...

Change your choices,  change your actions,  change your fate line.

I asked what they had to offer into my life on this fate line in this life if I chose them as they are now in their inertia driven habitual actions,  given the trajectories their past/present choices have put them on.

Either of them or both of them or neither of them can make different choices from where their head/heart/actions are leading them....those cards just orient me for what to expect of who they are now and the inertia of the fate line of who their choices/actions are leading them to become.  But I can't build my own choices between my own fate lines on "maybe he'll have an epiphany and choose to act so as to change his fate line" - there are an infinite number of could bes,  but most of them are utterly improbable,  especially if you have no reason to believe anyone is nudging things toward other fate lines.

So I have to choose between my fate lines based on what IS and what choices I have within my own power to change.

And thus why after such a disorienting whirlwind changed all the fate lines in the sands of time,  I decided to meditate with my Tarot to level set with myself on what IS, help me make sense and organize my own fate lines.....

That is the reading of what is and what will be if the boys stay on their current trajectory down the fate line they have thus far chosen to determine who/what they are, who they are becoming due to their choices, and what they desire/allow/build their life on.

It's not what MUST be, it's simply what you will bring me in my life given your current inertia and trajectory that is manifesting into your fate line available to you if you stick to the choices and actions that have brought you to this present now.

Make sense?