This is supposed to be my "relaxing downtime"to introvert before Irish season and I'm totally failing that....  Like, this week, my only free day without plans was Thurs but then on Mon, my cousin Shauna (who is between her radiation treatments for her aggressive breast cancer) and I were able to connect decided that Thurs afternoon will be the best for us to hang out (she's between radiation treatments right now but has daily doctor's/pt appointments every day this week) AND then Thurs was rush tickets for The Death of Chuck Brown up at APT (written by Gavin Lawrence, one of their core company members who is brilliant as an actor and a human) and we didn't have a 4 pack and didn't want to pay for full price so promised ourselves if it went on 50% off rush we would definitely go see it. So right NOW, my only day without plans this week (or at least the only one without my afternoons/evenings claimed) is Saturday when I have plans to go for Farmer's Market. Farmer's market will be at Breese Stevens though this weekend instead of the Capitol Square because this weekend is Art fair on the Square already.... Which yes, means that on Sunday, I have plans to brunch with my parents and Crissy and the dogs and then my da will take the dogs while us three ladies will walk/shop the art fair as per our annual tradition. And then next week, Mon night is our rescheduled book club for Chernow's Washington (rescheduled because I double booked to have French cheese and wine night -- but it's a delicious cheese Trader Joe's gets in but we know from past experience has to be eaten ASAP and Sarah had bought it last Weds before her visit to her mom in Michigan for the long weekend.) And then next Tues is back up to APT to see the play ART and then next Weds is Concerts on the Square (unless they rain call it and then it will be Thurs.) The week after that we have a table my parents got for the Dark Side of the Moon concerts on the Square so family night and that week is also restaurant week. And then the week after that, the last Concerts on the Square the night before seeing Seo Linn in Chi on July 30 to kick off Irish season right before the weekend in Waterloo Iowa for Iowa Irishfest and then all my weekends (and a lot of my midweeks thanks to Coronas touring schedule) are claimed until nearly September. As I said, I'm very much failing at my introvert time recharge before the chaos of Irishfest season that started end of this month. Absolutely failing. It's pretty comical actually. Haven't even really had time to read this last week between all the plans and trying to fit hours in at work and sleeping.

Um. Let's see for catching up... On Monday Danny posted on The Coronas socials about not having openers for most of their Americas gigs (Canada and USA) and that they wanted to put out an open call to any bands or singer-songwriters who will be in the areas of the shows to dm them and the band will pick their favourites. Most of the tour isn't anywhere near me being mostly east coast and west coast and Canadian -- but I will be seeing them in Chi and Minne (right before the weekend that is both La Crosse Irish fest and Minnesota Irish Fair) and the Aug 6 date in Chicago is one they're looking for a band or singer-songwriter to open for them. How fun! I wonder who they will get!! And, I love that they opened it up to direct contact and wanting to hear other musicians they don't know and to decide together as a band and ignore the whole pr management scène fiasco. I like that they are doing it themselves. (The Coronas are mega superstars back home regularly sell out arenas internationally and shows sell out in under 24 hours on the other side of the pond ever since Heroes or Ghosts brought them fame, but here in the states they're almost entirely unknown play small club shows and Danny told me that he likes it because it keeps them humble in a way nothing else does. It also makes it smart of them to look for bands/singer-songwriters interested in opening for them because they don't have as large a fanbase in the US. I met Danny before meeting his cousin Aoife or sister Ro, but having Aoife make us promise to tell her cousin she said hi when mentioned to her when she asked what other shows/fests were upcoming and said driving to see The Coronas at a show in St. Louis (with maybe 20 people total, half of them friends of the opening band) was the most Irish thing he said could have happened to them stateside -- so now he remembers me from that wants a bit of a chat whenever possible. I would say I know Aoife Scott the best of the three of them and have the most stories and memories with her -- but I light up at any chance to see any of the three of them.) Anyway, their parents are Irish folk royalty (The Black Sisters) before The Coronas ever became one of the most famous Irish rock bands and I can't always keep straight which of the two sisters is whose mam, but for me they're just Aoife and Danny and Ro -- and I adore them!  (Well, Ro is very pregnant (due in Oct) and so I hope to see her in Aug but also if I don't I fully understand -- I mean, if you were an Irish woman and in your third trimester, would you want to risk having anything happen within the US medical system? if you have a choice in the matter?) and I'm very excited I'll get to see for sure both Aoife and then Danny again this August, even if the world is burning I'm happy I will at least see them again! I'm very excited to see everyone in The Coronas -- I've been loving their songs since hearing Heroes or Ghosts back in like 2008 or something like that and their current lineup (beyond the three core men who write the songs are the band) have been together for many years now when they come to play stateside. . 

 It will be fun to see who they end up finding! Today Danny posted about who they chose for Vancouver (that show is Friday already) and promised they would choose the others soon but to still submit if interested. They announced in the first post some of their shows already with Niall McCabe opening (mostly east coast) and he will be at Milwaukee Irish Fest for me to see him -- but I'm excited to find out who will be opening for the Chi show! (Interestingly, they haven't listed the Ceol on the River show in Minne with any of this or even at all on their socials -- plan is to go to Ceol on the River then overnight up in Minne and drive back via La Crosse Irishfest on Friday.)

On Tuesday, after my shower checking in with my newest oracle deck getting to know it (it's the Green Witch Oracle Deck and it's absolutely gorgeous and I love it!) I thought the answers were interesting and not what I expected 

Q: What is the energy between Eric and me right now? (given he was on my mind so hevaily over the weekend.) 

A: Seeds

Q: What advice do you have or what do I need to know right now? 

A: Cauldron on top of Fog

(Just noticed that I didn't get the full page in frame for Fog, I should retake that if I temember)

Q: Where should I be focusing my energy right now at this season in my life? 

A: Seeds (again! I rarely get the same card multiple times unless I'm asking the same thing in different ways) 

Q: Is there any other advice or anything else I should know before I put you away? 

A: Cup of Tea 

I just found it interesting and worth mentioning.

Um, so far for APT, I've seen Fallen Angels and Midsummer Night's Dream and they were both quite good! By this time next week I will also have seen Death of Chuck Brown and ART -- bring me to having seen four of the five plays currently running at APT (just won't have seen or have tickets to Picnic -- if schedules and rush tickets align we may see it, but so far that hasn't happened so on verra) before the remaining ones start next month. I could/should write out my reactions to get them out of me, but it's late and I should actually finish up here and head home (still at work) unless my plan is to stay til sunrise. And, while I'm not tired, I don't feel like critiquing the plays so far and so I should either sleep or read if I can't sleep since I need to text my cousin right after noon see if she still has energy to hang out after her PT appointment or if she wants to reschedule. 

 

O right!! And happy full moon! It's this afternoon, in about 12 hours or so, but pretty much there and the moon was GORGEOUS the last couple nights!! The play is indoors tonight, Touchstone Theatre not Up the Hill theatre, but I'm excited to hopefully see the full moon up in the woods up there!

 Sorry about yesterday. Or rather, you're not supposed to apologize for truth and it is all my truth (which is why I'm leaving it up.) Maybe more precisely what I mean is, "I know that seemed to come out of nowhere" when I say sorry in that sort of context. I don't know why exactly it all came out like that yesterday, it's not like there's anything I know of that shifted or changed, but yesterday it was all weighing so heavily upon me it sort of burst out of me again what I just keep carrying because I can't solve it : what a mess it is and how I don't want anyone or anything else but I can't see a way there and I can't see a place for me in his life across these recent years since Oct 2018 and I don't see any way for me to change that and I don't even know if he WANTS it changed or if he's totally cool with it being this way and so maybe I should just be looking elsewhere because he has what he wants and what he chose and I need to build for myself on other foundations if that's how he's feeling (but I don't even know if that IS how he's feeling because there's no good channels of honest communication between us now so how the hell are we expected to even know each other's 3d truths when all we have is in dream space and that's only when we both sleep at the same time and I have such an erratic sleep schedule without external reasons to rein it in more manageable that there's no way for him to rely on that to reach me....) Such a mess and the mess of it was weighing on me yesterday because it's nothing at all that I want and yesterday it was just so heavy on me wondering, "But what if this isn't at all what HE wants either and so you're both suffering for it for absolutely no reason when either of you could fix this by just reaching out and communicating to the other?!"but also like, how do you even do that without it being weird?! I mean, I know I'm incredibly weird AND incredibly wyrd as my general state of isness, but even I recognize that as weird to reach out with what limited communication I have out of the blue with a message like that.... 

But it was weighing on me and so I wrote about it even though for quite a while now I generally tell myself the pragmatic, "if you can't do anything to change this right now and it isn't actually in your life, then shift your focus and put your energy into what you CAN change and who IS in your life." Which doesn't solve it, but it gives me more agency instead of going in circles spinning out getting nowhere other than to make myself feel melancholy and desperate and reckless. And the thing with having unmedicated ADHD with a lot of learned coping mechanisms is recognizing my own agency is VERY important so I don't end up in executive dysfunction stall out and can't do anything. It isn't escapism precisely, I do know that what is weighing on me still exists even if I can't do anything about it right in the moment, but if I don't shift the focus to things that are within my agency, I'll get bogged down in doing nothing but thinking/feeling in circles of time blindness that leads to moping and getting nothing done at all not even finding the executive function to tell myself, "you need to eat something, it's been too many hours and you're not thinking clearly about anything because blood sugar dropped." Neither of my approaches is healthy and I know that there IS a middle way of dealing with things you can't change and most people can walk that, but my brain isn't wired for it -- it wants to find action steps it can take toward a way to fix and heal and make things better immediately and if it can't find that it just stalls out going in circles looking for answers and lightning leap intuitive knowing to find the way out unless I give it something real to work at focusing on what IS tangible in my life needs to be dealt with...

 Also. I won't lie, part of me looking elsewhere instead of continuing to hold out waiting just in case somehow we can find a way to each other despite everything is geopolitics and what I've seen with my precogs for here in the USA during the time of accelerated lessons learning. Do I believe "not every person can run to find a safe harbor or nobody will be there to fight for something better and to help rebuild better?" Yes, I truly devoutly believe that and if I'm here I'm here to fight for what I want to be not just against what is coming. But let's be real, the history of my past lives, I tend to be a martyr in such fights and by my death a catalyst for change to happen faster or be directed the right path. And, it's not lost on me that with the recent birth right citizen rulings and the changed rules for denaturalization, me being born of American citizens with an overseas birth place and a not particularly American name is not boding well given what's coming to the states... My parents think it's fine don't understand my concern because "you're white and Israel is our ally" and I'm like, "there are citizens of our allies currently in horrible detention facilities. And what the hell do I want to walk that path? To end up in a detention facility with all their horrors then deported to a place where I don't speak the language to fight in a genocidal war I don't believe in at any ethical level or to be put in a jail cell there locked up for who knows how long for refusing to join the IDF just because I happened to be born overseas because you guys wanted to try out kibbutz life?!" My sister understood immediately my concern when my mom brought it up dismissively and was very relieved that WI licenses are realID compliant so I don't even have to use my passport card (which says my place of birth) for flying within the country. It is not my path, and I have not precogged me on that path at this time -- but it is a branch of the paths before me that I could end up forced to walk that is not closed off from me. And so given all this, is it any wonder that if I believe there's no place for me in his life and he doesn't want me that I wouldn't be willing to use charm and glamour and physical chemistry that's already there to consider starting a relationship with friends who happen to be Irish/Scottish/British musicians while acknowledging they will still never be my polar bear but I can't have him because he doesn't want me in his life and that's just how it is?  If you've been paying attention, none of the men I've been considering pouring into the attraction between us to try to build a relationship in the years since I made me swallow the bitter truth that there's no place for me in his life any longer are originally from this side of the ocean -- all of them are from the UK or Ireland and a serious relationship would get me an exit before my place of birth could lead me to have to live/die very painful realities for this point in history. So for now, I'm cautious about what I say about what's happening publicly or on socials or via texts or where I might be photographed at protests in a technocrat ai world. because I know I have an overseas birth place on all my documents and I don't trust that to mean my citizenship will continue to be honored and there's nothing about that path EVEN IF it gets me deported back to Jerusalem that is anything I want -- and why wouldn't I take an out to the UK/Ireland which are isles I adore if there's nothing here worth me staying and trying to build my life around?

 But anyway. Yesterday everything about how it is between my polar bear and me and how I see it as me being neither welcomed nor wanted in his life as he has built it and the bleakness of all that was weighing heavily on me and that's why I wrote as much as I did about how it hasn't changed in me and that's still the mess of it within me that I'm feeling all the time. Don't know why it was an extra heavy weight yesterday. Just a deep emotional hit that started at some point on Jul 4 that intuitively had me going back through it all trying to find a better way through. No idea why, if there's a why it's beyond my ken (which isn't the same as being beyond my gifts and my knowings, just means I don't consciously understand.)

 Don't expect me to dwell on it or to let it come up again unless there's a good reason for it to come up and to shift things. Unless I have a polar bear dream which I'll share if I have one and remember it. Or if something happens that I don't foresee (I don't precog happy surprises, it's a blind spot I asked for on my gifts because I ADORE the feeling of a happy surprise unfolding -- the most I get is suddenly filled with giddiness excited for no reason knowing there's a happy surprise over my horizon waiting for me to reach it in the present moment) happens in the real world quotidian to shift the patterns from where/how things got stuck between him and me and we're just drifting in our wandering waiting getting nothing new because nothing is shifting or changing between us. I plan to leave that last post up and public because it IS a part of my truth (past, present, future tenses of my truth) but don't expect too much more on that theme unless there's a reason for me to write on it.

 Also, I was in my deep heavy feels last night so didn't share the Astro Horoscopes when they came in last night. But today I feel... light and hopeful and that the future is not yet written and there are choices not yet made so I should be more optimistic and see what unfolds... So here you go, here they are for this coming week. Despite the world as it is and the hard weekend. (full disclosure: natural disasters and human made disasters are NOT happy surprises or sports results so they are things I almost always precog see or shamanic dreams live other people's experiences of dying in them if I'm asleep while they die... I always know before they happen... Seeing the images in the news and knowing the pinpoint of when/where doesn't help any with carrying them. I carry a LOT of precogs that are hard and heavy -- it's probably why I choose to celebrate and find such shining joy in everything that IS despite all the destructive forces alive in the modern world.) But somehow, today I woke up from sleeping in to discover my inner space very light and full of unexpected hope and the promise of change and brighter futures will be chosen -- so I thought I'd share the Astro Poet Horoscopes because they definitely have the same vibe I feel lifting up within my heart/soul today (which is very different from the day or so before from which I wrote that last post.)

 Astro Horoscopes:

"Week of 7/5 in Libra: What in the moon is wanting. You do not know yet. And yet the turquoise words are part of an everlasting beginning. So it goes into the future of what you know. Everything that remains is love."

"Week of 7/5 in Pisces: You are very certain again. So much that it is peach and gold and with several eyes. You haven’t even let yourself know what is ready. So much so that it is real. Go into the real part of the dream." 

I'm a map of the world and the ones before, One foot in the sea and one on shore. Every step, every hope flung high, I'm a map of them all with my Irish eyes.

 It's raining again. And so I'm sitting here drinking my tea and reading while listening to the heavy rainfall again. Not the torrential biblical flooding rains in Texas yesterday and today, just quite a lot of storms and rain, enough for me not to have to go in to water my outdoor plants at work.  I always feel calmer and more centered in myself and alive when it rains/storms than when it's bright sunny -- drought times are hardest on me. I like the snow and the rain -- and the clear sunny days so the plants can breathe and grow and you can know what you missed when the waters return. 

I should explain better about my dream times in June. Not about the dreams I DID have, my fairfolk dreams are hard for me to put into words when I'm waking because there's so many layers within the dreams that i just understand as "how this culture/people experience existence" and I don't realize how much I skip over trying to translate one culture into another. Like trying to explain a wikipedia entry on your phone to someone from Ancient Rome. But I wanted to touch on what i said about polar bear dreams (or the lack thereof.)  It's not because I wouldn't have welcomed or wanted polar bear dreams that I didn't have them. (Or didn't remember them if I had them.) My truth is and has always been and will always be that if he were somehow standing in front of me I'd be grinning full of joy (and probably confusion why he was there) and it would take every bit of my self control not to hug him as tightly as I could and only to stop hugging him and let him go when that's what he wanted. That's true of me and my nature and how deep the love for him is woven through me, waking or dreaming. It's just an isness. Teaching myself to accept that I'm not welcome in the central pillars of his life and to accept I need to let him go because I'm not who/what he's choosing for his life is the hardest thing I've ever made myself do this lifetime. It's denying and putting out the brightest hope and light that was always there guiding my earlier years as "this is meant to be and we will find our way there no matter what" like snuffing out the light of that faith and hope that guided the path back toward each other. It's been years now since arriving at these conclusions, so long that the conclusion is ossified into a fossil no longer a living breathing set of arguments that change as data sets change. It's just sunk into me as a painful truth that does nothing but hurt me, but it's as true as the rules of physics and fighting it feels as pointless as fighting the laws of thermodynamics because the choices made haven't altered. and I still hate it and it's still hard and it's never gotten any easier, no matter how many times I repeat it to myself it feels like a betrayal of my own core truths to accept it. There are times when something primal in me rebels screaming that it's not right and can't be true and there's a misunderstanding there but this was never anything he wanted or would have knowingly chosen for himself to have me let him go tell myself we can't be together in the waking of this lifetime. And maybe that deep knowing is truth trying to be heard through all the mess of things, but it eventually always gets crushed back into silence by the weight of evidence in the choices that have been made that got us here and that nothing in all this time has ever been done to make things right. 

I do rather lack a purpose without the light of that promise between our souls and the belief that somehow this life we can get it right and choose each other and find our way back together. I mean, I still do things with my time and I still feel and think a lot, but I lack a purpose. I never wanted to build or succeed in this modern society because I knew what was coming to it in my lifetime and how little of the good born within it will be saved. So I never wanted career or money or fame or any of that -- besides, I had it last life and I know how empty it is beneath the surface glitter. I just wanted him, and I wanted us to find our way back to each other to build a life path together regardless what happens as the human made structures around us collapse. He was the only thing I wanted selfishly, for myself, in all this world and this society and this time of decadence decaying into all the evilness it was built on exposed to the light. Just him. That was all I ever wanted and I never did doubt we'd find each other and get there in time if the ending of this age didn't kill these bodies first. Not until the choices that were made and defended and made over and over again that convinced me what I wanted didn't want me back, and that the best thing I could do for him was to accept the choices he made and were made in his name and to let him go to find whatever happiness he's seeking and choosing for himself. He's still the only thing I want this society in this time has to offer me, I just have accepted it's not what he chooses for himself this life. I don't stop wanting what I want just because I have come to accept I can't have it -- wanting and desire don't work that way. I've just not figured out anything else I want from this dying way of living and this end stage capitalism world. I'm here to help fight and retain what was good/beautiful and to rebuild and to give humanity a fighting chance they can build a society on the promise of what they could be. But for myself? Selfishly? I still only want the one thing I wanted. It seems I can't have it, but it's still the one thing I selfishly desire in all the world. And it makes me rather aimless now, I've always wandered my way to where I am meant to be. But without the light of that hope I can have what I desire, it's just aimless go with the flow live by my ethics as best I can but without any goals. Not that this is a time you can build much, but I am very aimless right now and in recent years in my wandering.  And that's just truth of how it is and how it's been.

*Shrugs* I dunno. That's just how it is for me though.... I do hope that, whatever path he's on and whatever choices he makes for his life, I hope it brings him all the happiness he can hold in his life. With or without me in his life, that's my wish and desire for his life and where his choices take him. I could never want less than that for him -- even if I don't see it because I'm not part of it, just believing or knowing he has that for his life path is enough. It doesn't burn and shine as brightly as what I wanted and hoped could be the choices that brought us together in this lifetime, but it is enough and more than enough for me to make me let him go if I know he is choosing his own happiness he wants for himself on his life path. (But I'd move heaven and earth and fight like hell the moment I found out he wasn't happy or that he was missing something he needed for his brightest joy in this lifetime. It only works to tell myself to accept it as enough if I believe it's what he chooses and wants for his happiness that I have no place in his life -- it all breaks apart as a theory/conclusion if he's miserable and I learn he's as far from what he wants and would choose for himself as he has ever been. Because maybe there's no place for me in his life and maybe that's what he's chosen for himself -- but I still want and need for him to be happy with the life he builds and chooses for himself. That's important to me no matter anything else. It only makes sense to me if he's choosing what he wants for himself and what brings happiness to the life he builds -- otherwise what the hell point is there in fighting myself to make me accept that no matter how much I want him in my life in any way I can have him still he doesn't want me and there's no place for me in his life so the best thing I can do for him is to let him go? There's no point in me trying to sacrifice what I want and fighting everything in me so I make me let him go if he's going to be miserable with what his life brings him....the only reason for me to fight my own desires and make me do that is the belief it's what he wants will make him happy give him the life he chooses for himself. If he isn't happy and it isn't doing that, then it's just stupid and pointless suffering for everyone.)

And part of me accepting that is me opening up again to the idea of seeking my companionship elsewhere, to return to dating even knowing none of them are what I most truly want (which isn't their fault) but maybe they're the best I can find and they can still bring me joy in my life if he doesn't want to choose me this lifetime. it's not even that I want any of them if I could have him, it's more that if I can't have him because there's no place for me in his life then I need to look elsewhere or accept being alone, So far, since I stopped dating because I didn't like breaking hearts of people whose only faults were not being him, I've been choosing to be single. But maybe it's past time I made another choice for this life. I dunno though. It still seems unfair somehow to whoever isn't him, y'know? And. It's important that he and I be choosing reaching for each other at the same time for us to reach each other and I know that -- and if I start looking elsewhere because I'm giving up on the very idea of him choosing me, well then how can we both reach for each other at the same time? But if he's not wanting it at all, then aren't I just wasting my time reaching for him and wanting him and hoping at some point he'll be reaching back for me? I mean, if we both just take opportunities as they open before us, how does that ever align in us choosing each other at the same time? And dream after dream that ARE polar bear dreams have made it clear that's the only way through for us to walk a shared life path together, when we both choose and seek each other try to reach each other.

I'm just so tired of the aimless drifting and the waiting that never seems to get any closer to the dream we've waited on for so long...  Maybe I was mistaken when I assumed for so long that my wanting reflected his wanting and the bond tugged on us both the same so the only way for us was to find each other and to choose a path together. Maybe I made a mistake in the past, when I used to be so sure of it... Because it's been so long a wait and after the waiting and actually crossing paths, it was so gutting my core pillars to have it be made so clear to me there was no place for me in his life and the most important pieces of it... So I just accepted i'd been wrong and I left. And I still don't know if I was right or wrong in that. I still don't know what it is he wanted and wants.... But I'm getting so tired of the aimless drifting and wondering what even is the point then. Maybe it's best to leave it for another life because what else am I to do? But I don't want to. And so I just keep the aimless drifting of trying to accept what my soul says is unacceptable and untrue and it doesn't seem to get me anywhere I want to be. Just gets me tired and wondering what is the point.

And none of this has changed as far as I can see, which is why it's easier not to talk or write about it. Whether I do or don't write at all or whether I write about other things, it's still this same truth underlying it all and writing about it in the past hasn't untangled it or found a way through so I just don't write about it anymore most of the time. It still sits in me, it's still true, I just don't talk about it not even to write it out here. 

What else do you want of me? This is how it is, or at least how it seems to me. I can't make him want me or choose me to be in his life if he doesn't, so I need to accept his choices and that there's no place for me in his life and focus on who/what is in my life as the most pragmatic thing I can do if that's what he chooses. So that's what I've been trying to do ever since realizing that was his choices and how it is.

I'm not getting anywhere new tonight, just thinking myself around in the same circles and tying my heart up in the same knots. So I'm gonna read my book and drink my tea and try to decide if I'm going to go to work once the rain stops to get hours in for the week or not and just stay home with my dog tonight and read and drink tea.

Maybe. Maybe the problem is the very idea that there's no place for me in his life. Maybe even when I'm ostracized from the important people and things in his life and I'm trying to give him space let him go, the place of me is still present within his silences and my absences... And I'd much rather my place be my presence in a shared life path with him than my absence from his and his absence from mine. I know I want that, selfishly and completely. I don't know WHY, but I do know is about my wanting and how unshakeably consistent it's always been this life. So I do know what i want. I just don't think I can have it at this point. Because I don't know that he wants it this life. And I also don't know how we get there from here.... But that doesn't stop my wanting. It never has. 

I do have complete faith, waking and dreaming, that there is always a path to bring us back together in any and every lifetime. Including this one. And that if we both want it and both choose each other, there's nothing that can block us from reaching each other.  And even with all the things that haven't gone how I would have wanted and all my doubting that there's a place for me in his life and all the things misunderstood and all the mistakes made, I have absolute certainty and clarity that IF we both want each other and choose each other, there's always a path to reach each other once more and a way to have a shared life path. So long as we both want it and there is breath in both our bodies incarnating in the same time, there will always be a thread and way to each other -- there will always be the pull that leads us back to each other, whether waking or dreaming.  He can always find me in dreams, as long as we are sleeping at the same time, he can always reach me there no matter how confused and seemingly disconnected things have gotten in our quotidian.

[Post Title; Lyrics to the Rose Betts song Irish Eyes.  I've been obsessed, and I do mean OBSESSED, with this song since I first heard it several years ago in an a cappella insta reel post before she had finished writing it. I think it started with the fact that the best word for my eye color is the Irish word glas (which means sea colored and covers all shades of green-blue-grey even some gold glimmers) and that while my eyes are green when I'm happy laughing inside and silvery when I'm deadly serious, just like in the first verse she wrote for the song my eyes always get their bluest when I'm sad or I let me cry. The rhythm/melody of this song is stuck in my head a lot these recent years and I find myself singing and humming it apropos of nothing in particular, just my head reminding me it exists. I also find myself singing her song Doodles quite often -- upbeat happy sounding earworm about regrets and mistakes you'd undo if only you could.]

What were my intensely vivid June dreams about? they were multi night dream sagas in shamanic dream space where we had to achieve certain rest places before I'd be waking back into the day world again. I've had other iterations of this in other years that things align, but I don't have them every summer solstice -- just the ones with the new moon before it with enough travel time for the stages of the dream journey. It was about the travels from when a door opened on the path at the Cancer new moon to get to the only harbor and then sail to a specific isle for the solstice ceremony -- and it's a specific path can only be taken some years but not others depending on when the new moon falls relative to the solstices but it's considered imperative that all fair folk and allied souls who are in the incarnations make the journey for the ceremony whenever the path of the journey to get there is open. It has to do with life giving creation on earth renewal; if the celebration isn't performed or too many miss it choose not to make the journey then the destructive forces of the planet are less held in chains and there is far greater instability at the seismic, inner core magma movement, and atmospheric levels than have been seen not just in recent historical lifetimes but in more lifetimes than most walking the incarnations have ever experienced.  It can be missed intentionally, but that takes a great vote of all the types of unincarnating shining ones to loosen the bonds allow cataclysmic forces reshape the planet and destroy most of the human experiment -- and the bonds of taming into life giving can't be renewed until the next opportunity to make the journey to the sacred summer isles with the path between a Cancer new moon and the summer solstice that take you over land and through the air and under ground and over the water to reach the islands that exist outside the planes of time for the ceremony of renewal of vows/promises of the fairfolk with Gaia herself. Taking that journey during my dream time with the portion of the host I traveled with was the vivid dreams I was having in June.  There's a winter journey as well when there's enough time between the new moon and the winter solstice and that is to hold the frost giants and the great cooling forces of Gaia moving even a little further out in orbit or wobbling her axis in check -- but that's somewhere else entirely, not the sacred Summer Isles ceremony. And there are dream time fée equinox ceremonies but they require only you go inward under the earth to the still point of everything and they don't take dreaming of distances traveled or specific paths that only exist when things align properly -- they're nowhere and everywhere all at once for the equinoxes. Anyway. It was a lot of traveling with faeirie folk in these sequences of dreams. They were full of adventures and deep meaning across time and millenia/eons of lifetimes. We're all back from the island now and dispersed back across all the different parts of the shamanic dream lands -- it was only a three day ceremony but you couldn't start out early and you had to arrive right on time for it. So the dream seeds are the seeds I planted for this most recent new moon -- and the dreams were all finished by the time I drove up to join my sister and her family up at Kalahari on June 23 (when I found out my maman had sweet talked the front desk into an extra free wristband for me for the parks.) those were what my vivid multi night saga dreams were about in June.

If you were hopeful for more polar bear dreams, I'm sorry but that's not what I was dreaming about in June.  Sorry. It's not personal, I just didn't dream of him this month -- not even those frustrating labyrinthine dreams. I guess that to me, it still feels like the ball is in his court and he's on his own journey to figure out what it is he wants -- and since nothing I can see has changed I'm not certain I believe there is a place for me in his life or for me to join on that path with him. I could be wrong, and I'd very much like to be wrong, but still I don't see it. I just don't. I don't claim to see everything even with all my gifts, I never have, but I won't lie to myself with hopium of what I want to become truth when it disagrees with the reality I see of how things are in this time. And I still see no place for me in his life or among the people/structures most foundational and central to his life as he has built it and it all goes back to the choices the girls made in 2018 and the choice made in the band's name on their instagram to play female bullying via ostracism games and to block me there -- the consequences of those choices and the refusal to even acknowledge they happened when i tried bringing it up to talk about it is that to the best of my ability they do not exist to me and anything he creates or does or builds with either of the girls or with the band as a collective does not exist to me -- and the only consequence of him working on new Delta Rae songs and to plan a show isn't to make me want back in the group but for me to pull further away from him and to accept deeper into my psyche that I need to let him go for his sake due to his choices and the choices made in his name that he continues to stand behind. *shrugs* I can't unblock me, nobody replied or did anything when i tried communication about it, so as I see it the ball is in the court of anyone who can affect change to the situation created in the band's name before they will exist again in my world or I will ever willingly choose to listen to any of the band's songs (even the songs that are his, if the band is involved, those are songs not for me and I won't choose to play them or listen to them at this point.) I don't actually know much or anything at all about what he's doing with himself -- I don't follow him on insta any longer since last year when he shared a post that was unavailable to me that was him sharing something from the band and he hasn't shared anything via his email list since the email that he had moved back to Raleigh -- and while I still get the band emails, I only skim them and delete them and take no further actions so they can go back to not existing to me until the next month's email. So i have no idea what he's up to or trying to build or do with his life or even where in the world he is or if he's moved somewhere else or fallen for yet another girl he hopes will be the one and that's why he stopped working on his album release project he was so keen on at the start of the year. None of it is known to me, and I'm not trying to find out -- I'm accepting his choices as he makes them as being his choices for his life for himself but I have no expectations what they are or should be or that there's a place for me with him on the life path he chooses. I'm not dating anyone else or actively seeking anyone else, but there are options I wouldn't say no to that are on the table and I don't consider myself under any obligation toward him not to pursue those if they pan out -- because I'm not actually in his life and he's not in mine at this point and I see no present/future place for me in his life when I'm not welcome in the core pillars he has built his life on and around. So why would anyone be hoping/thinking I might have had polar bear dreams when nothing has changed since I walked away from him in dream space because I saw no reason even for hope that there would be anything real between us outside of dream space 5d encounters within this lifetime? *shrugs* So I am going to continue going about my life, building into the people and places and groups and things that choose me and desire me and to make those spaces brighter and to not think on anyone who makes other choices. Not from a place of blame or anger, but just acceptance of free will choices will lead you down your life path and as it's each individual's path, it's that individual's choices that are of greatest importance for their own life path -- so if he doesn't want me isn't choosing me, then I will let him go to pursue what he is choosing. And if I'm wrong in my choices here from the choices that seem open to me, I hope I discover my own wrong headedness or wrong heartedeness before things diverge too far to be healed -- but for now I am open hand loving him by letting him go to pursue whatever or whoever he chooses to build his life around this lifetime. I hope to be proven wrong in these assumptions about his choices for himself and his life not including me, but I don't expect it and I don't even really believe I ever will be. Because I mean. I just. What's the point of trying to do anything other than let him go if there's no place for me in his life or life path as he has chosen to build it or allowed others to choose for him? What's even the point then if that's his choice? Especially in the light of *gestures broadly at the environmental collapse and societal collapse into christo-fascism with a technocrat control mechanism that is starting in the US but spreading globally faster than people realize* that we are collectively living through right now on the fast track learning curve for the souls who never incarnated here before. 

I've had lots of fairfolk dreams and lots of other shamanic dreams with old gods walking in them, but no polar bear dreams in recent months.

Unrelatedly, but back to me focusing on what IS in my life. I did have a lovely time for first Concerts on the Square last night even if my Kahlo polar bear bracelet broke right off my wrist while in the bathroom. (I think I collected all the beads. I definitely got the polar bear bead, but I may have missed some of the darker gray/black beads. It was apropos of nothing, the cord just broke under its own tension/age.). Crissy had gone to Trader Joe's to pick up some things for her dad (she drove up to take him to an appointment today is coming back tomorrow afternoon/evening) and was inspired to pick up all sorts of tasty things for Concerts on the Square picnic and told me not to bother to bring anything but myself and my books. I DID stop at Leopold's for their book happy hour (got the last parking spot in the lot when I pulled in so I knew it was meant to be -- lack of parking at an indie bookstore when I try to stop by is my sign I'm not meant to buy books that day, lol) and I'm very proud of myself I only bought three books. The guy (who was rather shy and far too young for me but was very flirty smitten with me all the same) rang my first order out as two separate transactions so he could pour me two glasses of champagne and when I came back with a third book I couldn't pass up while I was browsing (since I was by myself in a bookstore/bar) he shyly asked if I wanted another glass of prosecco and I laughed told him, "Now that's a dangerous game. Thank you, but prosecco while book shopping is how I ended up with a third book. I should head down to Concerts on the Square now, my bestie is waiting on me, but I'll probably stop in next week on my way down."

Speaking of books. I didn't share a combined two months book list I know. I was going to but because of all my focus on family with my sister's family in the area, I still have a pile of newly acquired books that I need to input in my catalogue and add to the list.  Mostly what I read across May and June is Cassandra Clare's Shadowhunter books -- like 10,000 pages or so of it, lol. I haven't even made much headway in my purse books because I've been super busy everywhere I've had my purse and haven't finished them at home because I've been so immersed into the Shadowhunter universe. I'll have time in July for reading though so hopefully the end of the list should be more interesting. This weekend I'll read the next couple chapters of Ron Chernow's Washington for my monthly history book club with the Erin and Debbie and Crissy, we zoom meet on Monday. I'll probably read a lot of single books for a bit though not get into any series until after Irish season is past. I WILL post end of July (maybe a little early so it's up before Iowa Irishfest which is the first weekend of August) and then I'll roll August in with Sept and Oct because Aug is usually a very light month for me on reading due to so much time consumed by Irishfesting and all the musicians/friends in the Celtic music community and then trying to fit in work hours around it all. But for now, the booklist is mostly Cassandra Clare. 

 Tomorrow (today now) my only certain plans are to go into work in the evening to water my outdoor plants after the heat of the day. And I won't be celebrating our nation given the state of the regime running it and the world more generally (but especially the regime running the US at this point in time.) Saturday I'm thinking I will farmer's market (Crissy will likely join me unless she gets back too late form her dad's is too tired to go with) and then later in the day go to Fitchburg Farms to get the last of my herbs for the herb box and some 50% off annuals to put in pots to help entice pollinators to my nightshades and veggies/herbs. But we will see how Saturday pans out with the weather patterns and if not on Sat then Sun for Fitchburg Farms 

P. S. 4:31am addendum: 

I'm busy not sleeping -- reading and drinking tea and balcony door open listening to the thunder and rain of the storms rolling through. (Though once past the gloaming hours around sunrise when I can't sleep, if I reach a good chapter break and the rain looks to continue, I'll probably lay down to sleep for a bit. Falling asleep with the windows open to the sound of falling rain is one of my favorite ways to sleep -- the only way to improve it is to be curled up held by someone I love who loves me and have their fingers running through my hair gently untangling the curls. Best of all is to have all of the above. But falling asleep to the windows open as the rain falls is the best I have in my life right now, so I shall seize the opportunity while I can once past sunrise.)

I will say that while I don't typically write in publicly published posts here about current events, the characters and plot points in much of the Dark Artifices series I didn't find realistic as too fanatical a pendulum swing in the modern world during the first time I read it (end of first dump-truck presidency or early Biden) now seems too prescient and close to home. Here's quotes from the last of the trilogy (which I had wanted to finish in June before my sister's family being in town took up all my time, paused at a good plot pause point just before 100pgs in when I was going to end up at Kalahari and knew I would not have time to get sucked deeper into the nearly 900pgs of the concluding book of the trilogy) that hurt a bit reading it yesterday, and not in the good hurt way that leads to healing but the hurt of truth speaking you didn't want to face as truth: 

Excerpts from a conversation in Chapter 9 (for context, both of these characters have strong LGBT+ ties as well as strong sympathy/love for members of the fair folk and other Downworlder communities): 

""I fear so," Jia said with a rarely expressed bitterness. "They are focused so much on their fear and hatred that they don't even see where they are injuring themselves. The would eat a poisoned banquet if they thought Downworlders were feasting beside them.""

""The world can change so quickly," Jia said, "One day the future seems hopeful, and the next day clouds of hate and bigotry have gathered as if blown in from some as yet unimagined sea."

"They were always there, Jia." said Diana, "Even if we did not want to acknowledge them. They were always on the horizon."

Chapter 11: 

""I have seen a great deal of history," said Gwyn. "Terrible laws are usually passed before they are repealed after much suffering. Small-mindedness and fear have a way of winning out."

O it's been nearly a month now since I last wrote here, hasn't it? Missed me much? I was introverting and reading a lot and having the most vivid craziest dreams for a bit in there leading up to the solstice. Wild and vivid dreams.... And then the last week or so my sister's family was in the area so I spent all my time with them and my parents while they were around. 

It was great to get some time with all of them!!! I already miss them, though Waffles (who used to be their dog before she became mine) was incredibly excited to see them then worried they might be taking her home with them sticking close to me and she was soooo happy that she had me to herself all day today and spent the whole day snuggled up on me. I also slept a lot today (making it easy for the pupper to curl up with me all day)  because my body had a LOT of sunburn to work on healing.... I burned my upper back quite badly getting my plants taken care of back on Sunday after the solstice -- it's not that I failed to put sunscreen on, but I DID get such hyperfocus that I forgot to reapply it for the third time and so my back had over an hour without any sunscreen to make it extra crispy.... And then I wasn't planning to join them up at Kalahari but we got me a wrist band after all so I came up on Monday and then the bad storms overnight meant I stayed overnight with my sister's family on the pull out couch in their suite and spent a second day up at Kalahari/Tom Foolery with them all while VERY sunburned on my upper back. Luckily, my sister had an extra rash guard swim shirt I could borrow for the outdoor parks day so I didn't have to try to buy one before joining them because all my swimsuits are halter ties and expose my upper back.  Monroe (my niece, a Leo, she's very nurturing and motherly and likes to do nice things for people make other people happy) did a great job helping to aloe my back and put ice/cold towels on it and Badger after sun balm (which helps reduce peeling and keep the skin underneath the peeling healthy) on it for me across the week.  But then on the pontoon boat yesterday, when I reapplied my sunscreen, some of it got rubbed off by cuddles/hugs with the three niblings in their life jackets (required for kids they wear them the whole time) making for odd shaped more sunburned than the rest of me. And everywhere was slightly burned because it was enough time I needed a third reapplication that didn't happen on the boat AND I got distracted part way through the second sunscreening application (which I only remembered because my sister and brother-in-law do NOT have my time blindness so they remembered reapplying for themselves and the kiddos which reminded me to do it, lol) which means my legs never got the second application and the tops of my thighs got VERY painfully sunbunrned. Bad enough that when I went to use the bathroom at Sushi Lover for lunch, when I stood in front of the mirror to wash my hands and saw how pink they already were I just went, "O no..." I cooled them in the pool at their hotel after lunch while the kids were swimming (I had my bikini top on for the boat ride under my tank instead of a bra but didn't bring swimsuit bottoms so couldn't actually swim with the kids) but my thighs are still really burned as are my face/arms/shoulders/back/chest that needed the second reapplication (third sunscreen application) it didn't get. Whoops! I'll heal -- and then being me, I'm sure I will continue to get sunburned until summer is over. My summer skin is generally sunburned and doesn't really like to be touched unless you're gentle trying to help with aloe or after burn cream due to the sunburns discomfort.)

Anyway, it was good to see them all and to have an excuse for extended family play time and having the kiddos around and all the joking with my sister.  As of right now, I don't think I'll see any of them again until December when I visit them for Christmas. (But since tickets are already bought, I should start shopping sooner rather than later for them.  because last year, I couldn't find much that was packable and worth the price point when I started shopping after Irishfest time. Especially since there are five of them for me to bring gifts for and my sister ALWAYS overbuys for me when she invites me over for Christmas because they say I'm easy/fun to buy for... And the kids are easy to shop for but my sister and brother-in-law are NOT easy to buy for unless  you go completely random unexpected because they have lots of money and buy what they want whenever they find it...)  Although if my sister had her way, I'd also come join them in Orlando for their Disney World trip, lol.

 Anyway, I don't have much to write about here tonight unless you want stories from their visit and me spending so much time with my family for the last week and a half. I don't yet have a cat (though I've been browsing the local cats as they show up at the local rescues/shelters) and so probably won't adopt my next kitty until after Irishfest season because they shouldn't be settling in while I'm gone so much every weekend and trying to fit all my hours in between all the live music and friends from far away being around. (Basically if you're not an Irish fest musician/friend, don't expect to see or hear from me much last week of July (Seo Linn have a concert in Chi on July 31 thus kicking off my Leo season full of Irish/Scottish music and friends from all over the world) and then pretty much all of August -- schedules are out for the fests so  though typically buy tickets early when they're cheaper before schedules. Anyway, you gotta choose this month or wait until Sept if you want my time and attention. Gonna be seeing a LOT of all the Skerryvore lads this year actually based on their schedules...) 

Most of July is going to be taking care of my plants daily watering whenever there isn't storms.  I have two sets of APT tickets (Midsummer Night's Dream next Tues on the 8 and ART on the 15) and will be keeping an eye on rush tickets for anything we didn't already buy or that we want to see a second time. Also July is Concert on the Square season (free weekly chamber orchestra picnic concerts on the capital lawn -- there are speakers/screens all around the square so if you have kiddos who will need to run and not yet be quiet for the concert, you can still come and picnic with them and sit further away from where the Chamber Orchestra sets up so your kiddos can enjoy the experience but not be disturbing the neighboring blankets.) Crissy works right across the street, so it's easy for her to go put out blankets asap in the afternoon for us to have a good place without having to pay for the tables. (I will be at a table on the 23 for the Dark Side of the Moon guest artists show -- my parents wanted to see that one but they decided to buy a table which my mum is trying to fill still, not sure how many seats she still has to fill.)   It's mostly all in July at this point, they used to do more shows, but now it's only 6 weeks of it (and we skipped the first week because my sister was in town and it was a motown guest artist so was probably very good but not really chamber orchestra (generally my favorite weeks) or anything of interest to my sister and her family.)   So tomorrow will be my first Weds Concerts on the Square of this season. AND, Leopold's bookstore and bar recently added a Weds happy hour where if you buy a book between 4-7p you get a free glass of preosecco and they are right on my way downtown for Concerts on the Square. Terribly convenient as I can always find me a book (the difficulty is in keeping myself to buying just ONE book, lol) and with the world as it is right now,  book shopping for adding to my joy and  a glass of prosecco to celebrate being surrounded by books is a good thing.  So that's about all my plans for July, a couple sets of tickets for APT picnics and plays in the woods, Weds Concerts on the Square, Sat morning early Farmer's markets and lots of watering plants and time to read and getting hours in working. (which is what I'm doing right now.) O, and Art Fair weekend is in there -- the 12/13 and so my mum and Crissy and I will go one of those days (no idea if anyone else will join us.) Also I think Crissy may have picked up $5 tickets to some random production of Importance of Being Earnest put on somewhere in Milwaukee on 11 which may be laughably terrible, but I had marked myself interested to an ad for it because I love the play and it was cheap so when she saw I had marked myself interested on facebook, she asked about it and we decided we should go because even if it's a bad production the play is delightful and we will be able to laugh at it. Um, I don't have any 4th of July plans other than hanging out with my dog and making sure I come in to water the plants and give them water bottles because it's gonna be back up to the low 90s again on Fri/Sat.  I don't have plans to go see the fireworks anywhere or anything. Not sure if that will change, on verra.

 So anyway, more or less that's what I've been up to and what I have remaining for Cancer season (and the start of Leo season)  -- balance of time with family/close friends and some plays and concerts and picnics and caring for my plants and hermit time with my doggo and resting up a bit before we get into the whirlwind of Irish fest season. 

 And I'm very behind on these, but they've been pretty wonderful the last few weeks and the two signs are still dancing meanings together. (though interestingly, Martin the hot (and incredibly kind) bagpiper of Skerryvore is a Pisces and he can get right up next to me in my space bubble without me realizing. This is a rare thing for me, but every person I've ever known who can do it have been Pisces family/pets/friends/ex-boyfriends... But not every Pisces in my family/pets/friends/ex-boyfriends can do it, it's just everyone who can do it get close to me within my space bubble without me realizing have all been Pisces. I don't know if it's because my rising sign is Pisces and this is normal for rising sign-sun sign synastry or if it's something just about me and how Pisces and I interact...)  But anyway, Libra and Pisces weekly horoscopes still dancing in dialogue together and not with any other signs and no other signs are doing this. It's been like a year and a half now since I noticed it and I'm not sure there's any meaning to it, but I'll keep sharing it here for as long as it seems to be going on.

Astro Poets Horoscopes:

"Week of 6/15 in Libra: The very essence is in dreams. You try to say this. You hold it all as far away as it can be. But a dream is close. Love is closer."

"Week of 6/15 in Pisces: No more time into the grey. And instead a sort of brief horizon. Another rainbow that builds upon itself. That’s bliss. Go into it." 

"Week of 6/22 in Libra: Everything beginning with flowers. There’s a heart in the middle of it. Pure light energy remains. It all can capture a kind reminder. Something purple and ringing like truth."

"Week of 6/22 in Pisces: You knew it all as a right piece of dreams. But you did not have them. So it goes and an arrival. You let the light. You sang without indifference."

"Week of 6/29 in Libra: An unbelievable force of love. New beginnings and the result of magic. There is that and more friendship. But what is it that lies between. The rest of it."

"Week of 6/29 in Pisces: You can rest and see the sights. There’s no need to overwork yourself now. More rainbows and a pond. A ladder that moves. Go into the water it is faithful." 

  

I know nobody knows, Where it comes and where it goes. I know it's everybody's sin, You got to lose to know how to win. Half my life's in books' written pages, Lived and learned from fools and from sages. You know it's true. All the things come back to you. Sing with me, sing for the year. Sing for the laughter and sing for the tear. Sing with me, if it's just for today -- Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away.

 So, we did visit Madison Cat Project's Kitty Palooza today, but much to the disappointment of my dog I did NOT come home with a cat. (I do have a new litter box for whenever I do find the right cat AND I bought a new feliway (plugin of comforting cat pheremone) to help the transition because I felt I should have those ready at home just in case so after farmer's market stopped by the new Mounds location to check them out.) Part of it was that Kitty Palooza was running 10a-4p and had 72 cats/kittens available for adoption today with all adoption fees waived. We got there right before 11a and I was #16 for the adult cat rooms (kittens get lonely so I would need to get a pair of them and I would worry about the trouble they were getting into with nobody home but each other in my absence) and they were at #10 for cat speed dating the adult cats and said they only had a couple left. by the time they texted me, there was only one more adult cat remaining. (they did allow our whole group to come in.) Alley was a tabby-bengal mix recent mother just weaned her babies from an overcrowded shelter in Kentucky originally -- she was gorgeous but also a bit spicy (she full on bit Crissy) and was a bit of an escape artist needed a bigger home than I could provide for adventures and catio time -- and we knew she loathed other cats but there was no idea about how she would do with dogs and it would break Waffles' heart to have a cat copletely reject and hate her. Alley and I got along but after I'd given her two treats told her that was enough wouldn't give her more, we studied each other a bit longer but we both reached the mutual conclusion, "I like you but you're not meant for me to live with" around the same time and then she gave me a last couple head rubs and licked my wrist while purring one last time before she went and sat in the window ignoring everyone inside so we left about 30 seconds before our time was up because we had reached that mutual recognition. And of the 72 cats/kittens they had for adopting, they actually had all 13 adults cats and all but 7 of the kittens homed by 1:30pm which is absolutely FANTASTIC! 

Waffles was disappointed when I told her I hadn't met the right cat today (you should have seen/felt her excitement when she saw me put the cat carrier in the trunk just in case!) but I convinced her to go on an adventure with my parents this afternoon (a walk along Lakeshore down by the Union and hamburgers for all of them) while I get some gardening things done at work. She was excited by the adventure and burgers but then didn't want me away from her so it did take some convincing but then she got excited to go with them for it. 

So no cat yet. We did buy some things from the vendors -- I got a t shirt that says "Leave me Alone I'm reading" and a necklace (a gorgeous moss agate with aventurine beads) made by a very nice black/green loving Wiccan who didn't say anything about it to my mom or Crissy (who were both buying jewelry as well) but when I asked her about the price on the one I'd been wanting she specifically told me, "And I smudge all of them every time to make sure no negative energy is attached to them from me and my home to you or from anything before they come to me." And then we started talking about it and she admitted there were some pieces, especially estate/antique pieces that she won't even physically touch or take apart anymore and has her son (who isn't energy sensitive) do it for her so she can cleanse them before ever touching them herself.  But this is the one I picked out for me (it called to me first thing we got there after I got my name on the list to meet the available kitties, but the vendor at Green Dolphin jewelry wasn't at her booth right then but was back later after we met the cats and I spent a while holding the piece to be sure it was right for me as I explained to her that jewelry or crystals not meant for me always disappeared or broke so I wanted to hold it and browse til we were all three done before committing to buy it just in case it didn't feel quite right for me after all despite how much I liked it and it called to me today) -- and my mum and the artist who made it both made a point about how it was greens would sit right over the heart chakra and I said, 'O I hadn't thought of that consciously, it just called to me as what I need right now -- but you're right." then added for the artist/vendor who had already established was energy sensitive gifted Wiccan, "We're here today because my cat died end of May and I'm looking to find the right next house panther to guard me and my dog." And she was like, "O good luck! I hope they find you soon! And yes, heart chakra healing is exactly the right choice to have called to you right now for what you need."

 

 

 

 

Also bought from a very cool nature/fantasy/faerie/art nouveau artist, Meredith Dillman , that before I even got there my mom went, "O no. Dani. Don't look, you'll spend too much money here!" And then just as I walked in to admire her artwork, I got the text for my cat speed dating lol. We did go back and I bought too many prints (6 medium and 3 small -- but they were buy 2 get 1 free with no limits on the multiples of 6 you got; curiously three of the large prints were from her tarot series -- The Star, Page of Wands, and Strength were the ones I chose which is quite the spread) and her art book because I was being indecisive about trying to put some of the medium one back and could get me down to 4 but then for $18 more might as well have 6 because of the deal-- and really I have so much art I haven't even put up on my walls yet because I need frames. 

 

 Books and art and crystals/rocks and tea and music (I still own a lot of physical CDs, but I don't like streaming services and if I own them, I can always put them onto new machines) are the physical baggage that comes with me and you better be willing to make a lot of bookshelves space and space on the walls for artwork if you want me in your life, lol. 

 My mom also got some surprise gifts for my sister's family when they come visit, some Kahu collar bow ties for both dogs and my sister's cat, and  birthday gift for her mom which is gorgeous we all think grandma will love. And Crissy bought a mug, earrings, two necklaces, and several art prints from Meredith Dillman. 

And then at my mum's suggestion, the three of us stopped by Stella's bakery (right down the road) for some spicy cheese bread and Wisco-Pops because we were thirsty and some other bread/pastries as long as we were there.

And then my parents wanted to take the dogs on a walk down along Lakeshore and get them some hamburgers at the Union so I made waffles go with them on the adventure because I told her she would enjoy it more than watching me move dirt and plant flowers, lol. I think she did even if my da forgot to bring her back to me until nearly 7pm. And I got some of the soil changing taken care of and the flowers planted despite the terrible headache from the air quality (but it's not getting better any time soon y'know?)  I'll likely sleep a LOT tomorrow (today now?) to make up for it. So it goes. And I feel better getting the petunia planters taken care of at least even if I still have the box out front AND the veggies to sort out.... (Did buy some more of the herbs I need for the veggie out back though.) And I bought myself some cut ranunculus and anemones for this week because one place had them and they make me happy even though I don't grow them in my (rather feral) flower bed at work.

And then I came in from playing in the dirt until the air quality from the Canadian wildfires made me so headachey and tired I called it a day and I learned about Los Angeles and Minneapolis today.  Not surprised, because you raised a generation on the ptsd of school shootings and then take everything and every hope away from them having a better future than their childhood memories -- and you think they give a flying fuck if you threaten to shoot them with anything? It's not like they have anything to lsoe or any future world they can envision wanting to live in or to be able to afford a home or kids or even pets or to even be able to feed themselves while the world burns around them. Like, if you push people past the point of hope in the future AND they feel they have nothing further to lose AND you raise them on daily horror risk ptsd -- history is VERY clear what those masses of humanity will do and how they will react. How are you surprised? It gets worse before it gets better because it's a generation that feels they have no future and they have nothing left to lose and your threat of force is utterly MEANINGLESS because they have grown up under the nihilistic sword of Damocles ptsd of school shootings and mass shootings in every "safe" space they thought they could trust so they learned nowhere is safe and you can be gunned down anywhere and nobody in charge will care enough to do a damn thing about it or protect you -- so what does it matter who holds the gun when the threat is one you've grown up spending your whole life living with expecting any moment of any day might be your turn....  

Anyway. I should finish this cuppa tea and pack up to head home. Getting hours in early over this weekend because busy week ahead. Thurs night my mam and I have an hour and a half long French wine tasting. Friday afternoon taking my gran to her optometry appointments. Saturday maybe in Chicago for Scottish Highland games. Sunday in Milwaukee area for Skerryvore show at JJs (not sure if da will want to do something for Father's Day earlier in the day or anything....) Got somewhere around 12 hours in today though which is good. Even if I do end up sleeping a lot tomorrow after all the smoke exposure today. (Farmer's market at 7am was aqi of 86 and that was the best all day.... Kittty palooza (except the cat speed dating) was all outside as was prepping/planting flowers. And yet today was considered "better" air quality because it's been under 100 all day... *rolls eyes*)

P.S. Astro Poets horoscopes for the week just landed in my inbox. So before i forget, here ya go:

"Week of 6/8 in Libra: The sunlight on the mountains is how you see life. You remember it all with light happenings. Crystal lenses around what you seek. You know the mystical world. It knows you." 

 "Week of 6/8 in Pisces: Some other horizon. That is what you are after. You do not need to know. It knows you. Speak that truth into existence."

[post title: lyrics to the Aerosmith song Dream On. One of my favorites of theirs, close tie between Dream One versus Kings and Queens. But I have heard Dream On more often in my life as it was released as a single so it's often a happy surprise on radio roulette.]

 I'm so tired of constant migraines and having to be careful standing up or especially after I've been laying to sleep. Like, it's only been 3 maybe 4 days, but it's meant sleeping a lot of those days away.... I know that both are a constant Sword of Damocles over my head between the migraine triggers and my history of syncope with low blood pressure as the only testable cause (but probably undiagnosed Ehlers Danlos related given my hyper mobile joints and easy bruising and known since middle school that most of my joints have half to 2/3 the amount of cartilage they should) but between the electrical storm type of the recent solar flares AND the air quality from the wildfires in Manitoba having all of Wisconsin under air quality warnings (even during the cold front bringing tons of rain and potential bad weather and adding barometric pressure related migraine trigger into the mix) I haven't been without at least a low grade migraine since Fri --Mon and even parts of Tues were so bad that I didn't trust trying to stand based on how bad trying to sit up to get out of bed was.... Air quality is even worse today than Tues (I did go into work for a bit in the evening to get the deposit done and water my seedlings/planter flowers I haven't put in yet) but I haven't gone outside yet today, I'm hoping it will improve (it's been in the 160-180 range for <2.5m all day and others in the yellow) but I really don't know...it takes hours for the sun to get high enough in the sky for it not to all be hazy like cloudy/foggy and for the sun to burn through make shadows. Inside, I have the windows closed and all the air purifiers running full tilt and they claim less than 04 in my condo.... But still I find I keep yawning and have migraine headaches whenever I stand up or go to do something or even turn/move my head too quickly. (My migraines are always movement and light sensitive, but never sound sensitive ; sometimes when they are their worst and all I can do to avoid the shrapnel mobile exploding within my brain is that I can lay as still as possible in a dark room with a sleep mask on so there's no light at all, at those times music is the only thing that helps and gets me through it. Those aren't often, but I know if I don't baby the early warning signs, they do get that bad sometimes.). Before the air quality deteriorated due to the smoke descending from upper atmosphere to surface level, I had aspirations for today of trying to meet my parents for lunch outside with the dogs and then to spend the afternoon getting my plants in the dirt now the risk of hail/tornadoes/strong winds have left with yesterday's storms -- but the air quality ain't improving enough for me to trust that if I were to try to do something outdoors, even just planting and watering the newly planted seedlings, I would t end up with a migraine so bad as to render me nonfunctional for extended hours/days. And I'd rather be semi functional with mild constant migraine from the air quality exposure of the wildfires then render myself useless for 14-30 hours of me sleeping to heal not getting up til I can do so without the movement inducing pain. Maybe once the air quality is back down below 50 I can get those plants in...or I'll just deal with it then suffer afterward. Hopefully air quality will improve sooner rather than later though!

When I was a kid, my da used to say my body just doesn't handle pollutants well that it's like trying to transplant a wild forest tree into a city (and the things that cause me migraines or syncope spells are all things that cause cancer for everyone from long term exposure, I'm just a canary in the coalmine reaction to it before those levels) but it's not an ideal thing for trying to survive the modern world and global climate collapse and the next big apocalypse which some say will be fire since the last was water -- but I think it's more air than water. But both are accurate and technically the last was earth as much as water.... But anyway, my body reacts so negatively and I wilt like a dying flower when exposed to chemicals and pollutants that it makes it easy to believe in changelings even if you set aside all my wyrdness and gifts. My mum used to say she always knew nobody had exchanged me in the hospital mixed me up for another baby because being born in Jerusalem I was the only one in it with pale skin blond hair and blue eyes and she was shocked when I told her very seriously as a small child, "It's not a hospital mixup you should have worried about, but a fair folk changeling exchange. Fair folk always go for the fair skinned gold haired blue eyed changelings." And she finally just said to me, "Dani, the people under the hill aren't in the desert, their legends are in the UK and France." And I just shook my head told her, "No, they don't LIKE the desert so well as the lush green forests and so the Seelie and those who exchange changelings are mostly in lushly wooded lands of greenery and flowers, but they have their exiles and the fair folk are everywhere especially wherever the let lines and earth powers are strong. That's why the desert people have stories of djinn. And a good changeling exchange can go far to help you regain your place at court."

I don't think I'm ACTUALLY a changeling fairy child, I'm sure it's just a combination of genetics, but it's rather curious given all my wyrd, and nobody else in my family on either side has anywhere near the gifts and second sight I have though some have smaller versions of some of my gifts, and all my life everyone has always called me an elf or dryad or fée my whole life, and nobody in my family have ever had angels and dragons as their invisible friends dream space tutors/guardians, and while lucid dreaming world walking is common in my family nobody else of them regularly walk the fairy lands in dream space have a standing invite to join Seelie with a requirement to be there in dream space at the cross quarters and important rides/missions, and while three's a lot of curious medical quirks in my family nobody else gets so incredibly sick from pollutants/chemicals as I get.  I often seem to run on pure raw light energy and I'm only frail or sickly when away from nature too long or when I can't see the stars at night or when exposed to anything that poisons/sickens the natural world. 

Honestly, the AQI numbers didn't even go over 200 (yet) this time but the air laden with the wildfire smokes is almost as bad as the days/weeks people are spraying their lawns for how badly I get affected by it, that makes me so sick with migraines and light headedness that I can't function can only sleep (with the most vivid dreams, most of them within the realms of the fair folk in dream space) until I'm better or the pollutants are no longer in the environment however long that takes....  It probably part of why I love winter so well -- the wildfires stop and nobody is spraying their lawns/fields with chemicals that make me so sick.... 

Anyway. I've just been a bit useless for days now due to the solar storms electrical overload and the wildfire smoke pollutants causing constant low grade migraines that turn into full blown migraine if I spend too much time outside or exert myself too hard. And it won't improve until the wildfire smoke is no longer over us. (I'd rather have the Saharan dust storm over the east coast than wildfire smoke.... Sand is abrasive but it's natural. It's not the pain of the ancient ones burning and the terror for the furred/feathered friends and all the plastic toxins of the homes/cars/roads/refineries/factories that burn  within the "wildfires." If it were just classic pre-industrial age forest fires it would be one thing, it would still carry sorrow and terror on the wind but not the deadly toxins of modern wildfire, because right now manmade things are burning with the natural world and it's so much more than the natural floral and fauna that burn in these conflagrations -- and it's all carried by the wind in what we call "wildfire smoke." Bonfires and forest fires and prairie fires don't give me these migraines, it's all the human made toxins in the wildfires are the problem.

I also have sore throat and easily develop laryngitis from wildfire smoke exposure -- but that just makes my voice sound rougher. it's an annoyance and a discomfort but it's not like the migraines and light headedness which can force me to lay me in bed for long hours until I stop having pain every time I move and/or everything starts to black out around the edges whenever I try to stand up. 

Not the end of the world, just not my shiniest self and I've been dleeping a lot (with VERY vivid dreams) to try to let my body deal with the migraine and toxins. 

Um. I know I said I was not yet thinking about getting a new cat quite yet, but Waffles is so depressed and only seems to get out of it when I promise her we WILL get a new cat but first I have to meet the right one.  Also, right now is right after the first wave of kitten season, so all shelters/rescues are trying to mve the cats through so they can keep kittens and mamas and elderly owner surrenders from being unnecessarily euthanized due to seasonal overcrowding. So if I can find a cat that feels right to me, now is the best possible time to free up a berth within the adoption/foster systems. So I've been looking through cats available for adoption. And there are some options but nobody who I've met in person or felt "THIS is my cat" quite yet. MadCat is having their Kitty Palooza on Sat, which is a big live music festival with a raffle to earn them money and lots of cat related vendors, and a speed dating style adoption event with all adoption fees waived. Basically, you have 5 minutes in a room with 3-6 cats/kittens and you have to decide if you feel you matched with any want to take them on or they will guide you to the next room of potential fur babies for 5 minutes. Cat adoption speed dating. I've never tried it and it will help me see how I feel about it. I don't KNOW that I will find me the one right cat that way especially since that won't give me much of an idea if the cat in question is good with dogs or has past trauma with them, but worth going and seeing and starting the process to help with my dog's depression. There will be more free adoption events coming up and the available animals changes pretty quickly in the local shelters and I haven't even met any at the local indie pet stores or adoption events -- but Spock won't even consider moving onward while I don't have a feline protector of my home and Waffles is having such a hard time missing her feline friend. That said, NOT for free or reduced adoption rates at this time, but there are two from Underdog (who place all their rescues in foster homes) who I like who I KNOW are good with dogs and are listed as loving their canine family in their foster homes so are not likely to have post traumatic reactions to Waffles due to past dog interactions.

The first who I've been eying since Sun or so is Juan Carlos (who I would nickname/rename Don Juan Carlos de Miawco an nickname Lord Byron as well) and I've been talking since Spock's CKD diagnosis about wanting a black cat for my next cat.

The second I only noticed tonight (which I admit is because I didn't scroll past Juan Carlos the first time I was looking through their available cats for adoption) and that is Comet Orrin who is unexpectedly gorgeous who has lots of potential names to accrue onto him.

 I haven't started an adoption form for either of them to initiate the process but I've come VERY close to it for Juan Carlos, I just want to at least explore other options to meet in person especially for reduced/waived adoption fees and/or help move animals on through the shelter systems to make new berths for other cats in need during kitten season. Also though, I don't want to pressure myself to get a cat/kitten just because I want a new cat -- I want to make sure it's one that feels right and clicks for me and the dog.

Anyway, so Kitty Palooza is apparently an annual event and I'm planning to go this year since I am looking for a kitty and so I may as well go meet them to find out.  That said, next week I have plans for a french wine tasting with my maman on Thurs evening, grandma has an optometry appointment next Fri, next Sat is Chicago Scottish Fest Highland Games (if we decide to go to it), and then next Sunday night (Father's Day) Crissy picked up tickets to see Skerryvore at JJ's in Racine. Oops. I'm sure I'll figure it out to spend time with da or do dinner with them that week.

I feel like I had something else to share but I don't know what it was...  Eh, I'm sure I will figure it out though if it was important.

O also, this is your catch up for recent Astro Poets Horoscopes since I haven't shared in a while since Spock was my biggest concern: 

"Week of 5/18 in Libra: If you see into the light. Then there remains a pink that can be tamed. So be it is exactly how you feel. Let it hold itself in the light. You will find friendship there."

"Week of 5/18 in Pisces: There you stay as it were. So you fill it all up and go beyond. What bright lights might you fill it with. What things might you find there. Some bright pink water."

"Week of 5/25 in Libra: So much love and romance. That’s exactly what you wanted from the afternoon. When you walk into the space with everything that is floating. That is the way that reality cannot bend. That is the way that time itself is the opening."

"Week of 5/25 in Pisces: You rest into the space where everything is an emotion. That’s not just how you get your power. There is a source of the green butterfly. Take to it. It’s yours."

"Week of 6/1 in Libra: A very purple night has seen itself. You rise into the same morning with butterfly wings. It cannot be that all there is is a way that it can recede. It cannot be that the code is there. There is love and forgiveness"

"Week of 6/1 in Pisces: Every last bit that flies. Flies with you or so you say. Every season that remains is your breadth. A time or so ago. A light or so it seems with every last bit."