Sorry about yesterday. Or rather, you're not supposed to apologize for truth and it is all my truth (which is why I'm leaving it up.) Maybe more precisely what I mean is, "I know that seemed to come out of nowhere" when I say sorry in that sort of context. I don't know why exactly it all came out like that yesterday, it's not like there's anything I know of that shifted or changed, but yesterday it was all weighing so heavily upon me it sort of burst out of me again what I just keep carrying because I can't solve it : what a mess it is and how I don't want anyone or anything else but I can't see a way there and I can't see a place for me in his life across these recent years since Oct 2018 and I don't see any way for me to change that and I don't even know if he WANTS it changed or if he's totally cool with it being this way and so maybe I should just be looking elsewhere because he has what he wants and what he chose and I need to build for myself on other foundations if that's how he's feeling (but I don't even know if that IS how he's feeling because there's no good channels of honest communication between us now so how the hell are we expected to even know each other's 3d truths when all we have is in dream space and that's only when we both sleep at the same time and I have such an erratic sleep schedule without external reasons to rein it in more manageable that there's no way for him to rely on that to reach me....) Such a mess and the mess of it was weighing on me yesterday because it's nothing at all that I want and yesterday it was just so heavy on me wondering, "But what if this isn't at all what HE wants either and so you're both suffering for it for absolutely no reason when either of you could fix this by just reaching out and communicating to the other?!"but also like, how do you even do that without it being weird?! I mean, I know I'm incredibly weird AND incredibly wyrd as my general state of isness, but even I recognize that as weird to reach out with what limited communication I have out of the blue with a message like that.... 

But it was weighing on me and so I wrote about it even though for quite a while now I generally tell myself the pragmatic, "if you can't do anything to change this right now and it isn't actually in your life, then shift your focus and put your energy into what you CAN change and who IS in your life." Which doesn't solve it, but it gives me more agency instead of going in circles spinning out getting nowhere other than to make myself feel melancholy and desperate and reckless. And the thing with having unmedicated ADHD with a lot of learned coping mechanisms is recognizing my own agency is VERY important so I don't end up in executive dysfunction stall out and can't do anything. It isn't escapism precisely, I do know that what is weighing on me still exists even if I can't do anything about it right in the moment, but if I don't shift the focus to things that are within my agency, I'll get bogged down in doing nothing but thinking/feeling in circles of time blindness that leads to moping and getting nothing done at all not even finding the executive function to tell myself, "you need to eat something, it's been too many hours and you're not thinking clearly about anything because blood sugar dropped." Neither of my approaches is healthy and I know that there IS a middle way of dealing with things you can't change and most people can walk that, but my brain isn't wired for it -- it wants to find action steps it can take toward a way to fix and heal and make things better immediately and if it can't find that it just stalls out going in circles looking for answers and lightning leap intuitive knowing to find the way out unless I give it something real to work at focusing on what IS tangible in my life needs to be dealt with...

 Also. I won't lie, part of me looking elsewhere instead of continuing to hold out waiting just in case somehow we can find a way to each other despite everything is geopolitics and what I've seen with my precogs for here in the USA during the time of accelerated lessons learning. Do I believe "not every person can run to find a safe harbor or nobody will be there to fight for something better and to help rebuild better?" Yes, I truly devoutly believe that and if I'm here I'm here to fight for what I want to be not just against what is coming. But let's be real, the history of my past lives, I tend to be a martyr in such fights and by my death a catalyst for change to happen faster or be directed the right path. And, it's not lost on me that with the recent birth right citizen rulings and the changed rules for denaturalization, me being born of American citizens with an overseas birth place and a not particularly American name is not boding well given what's coming to the states... My parents think it's fine don't understand my concern because "you're white and Israel is our ally" and I'm like, "there are citizens of our allies currently in horrible detention facilities. And what the hell do I want to walk that path? To end up in a detention facility with all their horrors then deported to a place where I don't speak the language to fight in a genocidal war I don't believe in at any ethical level or to be put in a jail cell there locked up for who knows how long for refusing to join the IDF just because I happened to be born overseas because you guys wanted to try out kibbutz life?!" My sister understood immediately my concern when my mom brought it up dismissively and was very relieved that WI licenses are realID compliant so I don't even have to use my passport card (which says my place of birth) for flying within the country. It is not my path, and I have not precogged me on that path at this time -- but it is a branch of the paths before me that I could end up forced to walk that is not closed off from me. And so given all this, is it any wonder that if I believe there's no place for me in his life and he doesn't want me that I wouldn't be willing to use charm and glamour and physical chemistry that's already there to consider starting a relationship with friends who happen to be Irish/Scottish/British musicians while acknowledging they will still never be my polar bear but I can't have him because he doesn't want me in his life and that's just how it is?  If you've been paying attention, none of the men I've been considering pouring into the attraction between us to try to build a relationship in the years since I made me swallow the bitter truth that there's no place for me in his life any longer are originally from this side of the ocean -- all of them are from the UK or Ireland and a serious relationship would get me an exit before my place of birth could lead me to have to live/die very painful realities for this point in history. So for now, I'm cautious about what I say about what's happening publicly or on socials or via texts or where I might be photographed at protests in a technocrat ai world. because I know I have an overseas birth place on all my documents and I don't trust that to mean my citizenship will continue to be honored and there's nothing about that path EVEN IF it gets me deported back to Jerusalem that is anything I want -- and why wouldn't I take an out to the UK/Ireland which are isles I adore if there's nothing here worth me staying and trying to build my life around?

 But anyway. Yesterday everything about how it is between my polar bear and me and how I see it as me being neither welcomed nor wanted in his life as he has built it and the bleakness of all that was weighing heavily on me and that's why I wrote as much as I did about how it hasn't changed in me and that's still the mess of it within me that I'm feeling all the time. Don't know why it was an extra heavy weight yesterday. Just a deep emotional hit that started at some point on Jul 4 that intuitively had me going back through it all trying to find a better way through. No idea why, if there's a why it's beyond my ken (which isn't the same as being beyond my gifts and my knowings, just means I don't consciously understand.)

 Don't expect me to dwell on it or to let it come up again unless there's a good reason for it to come up and to shift things. Unless I have a polar bear dream which I'll share if I have one and remember it. Or if something happens that I don't foresee (I don't precog happy surprises, it's a blind spot I asked for on my gifts because I ADORE the feeling of a happy surprise unfolding -- the most I get is suddenly filled with giddiness excited for no reason knowing there's a happy surprise over my horizon waiting for me to reach it in the present moment) happens in the real world quotidian to shift the patterns from where/how things got stuck between him and me and we're just drifting in our wandering waiting getting nothing new because nothing is shifting or changing between us. I plan to leave that last post up and public because it IS a part of my truth (past, present, future tenses of my truth) but don't expect too much more on that theme unless there's a reason for me to write on it.

 Also, I was in my deep heavy feels last night so didn't share the Astro Horoscopes when they came in last night. But today I feel... light and hopeful and that the future is not yet written and there are choices not yet made so I should be more optimistic and see what unfolds... So here you go, here they are for this coming week. Despite the world as it is and the hard weekend. (full disclosure: natural disasters and human made disasters are NOT happy surprises or sports results so they are things I almost always precog see or shamanic dreams live other people's experiences of dying in them if I'm asleep while they die... I always know before they happen... Seeing the images in the news and knowing the pinpoint of when/where doesn't help any with carrying them. I carry a LOT of precogs that are hard and heavy -- it's probably why I choose to celebrate and find such shining joy in everything that IS despite all the destructive forces alive in the modern world.) But somehow, today I woke up from sleeping in to discover my inner space very light and full of unexpected hope and the promise of change and brighter futures will be chosen -- so I thought I'd share the Astro Poet Horoscopes because they definitely have the same vibe I feel lifting up within my heart/soul today (which is very different from the day or so before from which I wrote that last post.)

 Astro Horoscopes:

"Week of 7/5 in Libra: What in the moon is wanting. You do not know yet. And yet the turquoise words are part of an everlasting beginning. So it goes into the future of what you know. Everything that remains is love."

"Week of 7/5 in Pisces: You are very certain again. So much that it is peach and gold and with several eyes. You haven’t even let yourself know what is ready. So much so that it is real. Go into the real part of the dream."