It's raining again. And so I'm sitting here drinking my tea and reading while listening to the heavy rainfall again. Not the torrential biblical flooding rains in Texas yesterday and today, just quite a lot of storms and rain, enough for me not to have to go in to water my outdoor plants at work. I always feel calmer and more centered in myself and alive when it rains/storms than when it's bright sunny -- drought times are hardest on me. I like the snow and the rain -- and the clear sunny days so the plants can breathe and grow and you can know what you missed when the waters return.
I should explain better about my dream times in June. Not about the dreams I DID have, my fairfolk dreams are hard for me to put into words when I'm waking because there's so many layers within the dreams that i just understand as "how this culture/people experience existence" and I don't realize how much I skip over trying to translate one culture into another. Like trying to explain a wikipedia entry on your phone to someone from Ancient Rome. But I wanted to touch on what i said about polar bear dreams (or the lack thereof.) It's not because I wouldn't have welcomed or wanted polar bear dreams that I didn't have them. (Or didn't remember them if I had them.) My truth is and has always been and will always be that if he were somehow standing in front of me I'd be grinning full of joy (and probably confusion why he was there) and it would take every bit of my self control not to hug him as tightly as I could and only to stop hugging him and let him go when that's what he wanted. That's true of me and my nature and how deep the love for him is woven through me, waking or dreaming. It's just an isness. Teaching myself to accept that I'm not welcome in the central pillars of his life and to accept I need to let him go because I'm not who/what he's choosing for his life is the hardest thing I've ever made myself do this lifetime. It's denying and putting out the brightest hope and light that was always there guiding my earlier years as "this is meant to be and we will find our way there no matter what" like snuffing out the light of that faith and hope that guided the path back toward each other. It's been years now since arriving at these conclusions, so long that the conclusion is ossified into a fossil no longer a living breathing set of arguments that change as data sets change. It's just sunk into me as a painful truth that does nothing but hurt me, but it's as true as the rules of physics and fighting it feels as pointless as fighting the laws of thermodynamics because the choices made haven't altered. and I still hate it and it's still hard and it's never gotten any easier, no matter how many times I repeat it to myself it feels like a betrayal of my own core truths to accept it. There are times when something primal in me rebels screaming that it's not right and can't be true and there's a misunderstanding there but this was never anything he wanted or would have knowingly chosen for himself to have me let him go tell myself we can't be together in the waking of this lifetime. And maybe that deep knowing is truth trying to be heard through all the mess of things, but it eventually always gets crushed back into silence by the weight of evidence in the choices that have been made that got us here and that nothing in all this time has ever been done to make things right.
I do rather lack a purpose without the light of that promise between our souls and the belief that somehow this life we can get it right and choose each other and find our way back together. I mean, I still do things with my time and I still feel and think a lot, but I lack a purpose. I never wanted to build or succeed in this modern society because I knew what was coming to it in my lifetime and how little of the good born within it will be saved. So I never wanted career or money or fame or any of that -- besides, I had it last life and I know how empty it is beneath the surface glitter. I just wanted him, and I wanted us to find our way back to each other to build a life path together regardless what happens as the human made structures around us collapse. He was the only thing I wanted selfishly, for myself, in all this world and this society and this time of decadence decaying into all the evilness it was built on exposed to the light. Just him. That was all I ever wanted and I never did doubt we'd find each other and get there in time if the ending of this age didn't kill these bodies first. Not until the choices that were made and defended and made over and over again that convinced me what I wanted didn't want me back, and that the best thing I could do for him was to accept the choices he made and were made in his name and to let him go to find whatever happiness he's seeking and choosing for himself. He's still the only thing I want this society in this time has to offer me, I just have accepted it's not what he chooses for himself this life. I don't stop wanting what I want just because I have come to accept I can't have it -- wanting and desire don't work that way. I've just not figured out anything else I want from this dying way of living and this end stage capitalism world. I'm here to help fight and retain what was good/beautiful and to rebuild and to give humanity a fighting chance they can build a society on the promise of what they could be. But for myself? Selfishly? I still only want the one thing I wanted. It seems I can't have it, but it's still the one thing I selfishly desire in all the world. And it makes me rather aimless now, I've always wandered my way to where I am meant to be. But without the light of that hope I can have what I desire, it's just aimless go with the flow live by my ethics as best I can but without any goals. Not that this is a time you can build much, but I am very aimless right now and in recent years in my wandering. And that's just truth of how it is and how it's been.
*Shrugs* I dunno. That's just how it is for me though.... I do hope that, whatever path he's on and whatever choices he makes for his life, I hope it brings him all the happiness he can hold in his life. With or without me in his life, that's my wish and desire for his life and where his choices take him. I could never want less than that for him -- even if I don't see it because I'm not part of it, just believing or knowing he has that for his life path is enough. It doesn't burn and shine as brightly as what I wanted and hoped could be the choices that brought us together in this lifetime, but it is enough and more than enough for me to make me let him go if I know he is choosing his own happiness he wants for himself on his life path. (But I'd move heaven and earth and fight like hell the moment I found out he wasn't happy or that he was missing something he needed for his brightest joy in this lifetime. It only works to tell myself to accept it as enough if I believe it's what he chooses and wants for his happiness that I have no place in his life -- it all breaks apart as a theory/conclusion if he's miserable and I learn he's as far from what he wants and would choose for himself as he has ever been. Because maybe there's no place for me in his life and maybe that's what he's chosen for himself -- but I still want and need for him to be happy with the life he builds and chooses for himself. That's important to me no matter anything else. It only makes sense to me if he's choosing what he wants for himself and what brings happiness to the life he builds -- otherwise what the hell point is there in fighting myself to make me accept that no matter how much I want him in my life in any way I can have him still he doesn't want me and there's no place for me in his life so the best thing I can do for him is to let him go? There's no point in me trying to sacrifice what I want and fighting everything in me so I make me let him go if he's going to be miserable with what his life brings him....the only reason for me to fight my own desires and make me do that is the belief it's what he wants will make him happy give him the life he chooses for himself. If he isn't happy and it isn't doing that, then it's just stupid and pointless suffering for everyone.)
And part of me accepting that is me opening up again to the idea of seeking my companionship elsewhere, to return to dating even knowing none of them are what I most truly want (which isn't their fault) but maybe they're the best I can find and they can still bring me joy in my life if he doesn't want to choose me this lifetime. it's not even that I want any of them if I could have him, it's more that if I can't have him because there's no place for me in his life then I need to look elsewhere or accept being alone, So far, since I stopped dating because I didn't like breaking hearts of people whose only faults were not being him, I've been choosing to be single. But maybe it's past time I made another choice for this life. I dunno though. It still seems unfair somehow to whoever isn't him, y'know? And. It's important that he and I be choosing reaching for each other at the same time for us to reach each other and I know that -- and if I start looking elsewhere because I'm giving up on the very idea of him choosing me, well then how can we both reach for each other at the same time? But if he's not wanting it at all, then aren't I just wasting my time reaching for him and wanting him and hoping at some point he'll be reaching back for me? I mean, if we both just take opportunities as they open before us, how does that ever align in us choosing each other at the same time? And dream after dream that ARE polar bear dreams have made it clear that's the only way through for us to walk a shared life path together, when we both choose and seek each other try to reach each other.
I'm just so tired of the aimless drifting and the waiting that never seems to get any closer to the dream we've waited on for so long... Maybe I was mistaken when I assumed for so long that my wanting reflected his wanting and the bond tugged on us both the same so the only way for us was to find each other and to choose a path together. Maybe I made a mistake in the past, when I used to be so sure of it... Because it's been so long a wait and after the waiting and actually crossing paths, it was so gutting my core pillars to have it be made so clear to me there was no place for me in his life and the most important pieces of it... So I just accepted i'd been wrong and I left. And I still don't know if I was right or wrong in that. I still don't know what it is he wanted and wants.... But I'm getting so tired of the aimless drifting and wondering what even is the point then. Maybe it's best to leave it for another life because what else am I to do? But I don't want to. And so I just keep the aimless drifting of trying to accept what my soul says is unacceptable and untrue and it doesn't seem to get me anywhere I want to be. Just gets me tired and wondering what is the point.
And none of this has changed as far as I can see, which is why it's easier not to talk or write about it. Whether I do or don't write at all or whether I write about other things, it's still this same truth underlying it all and writing about it in the past hasn't untangled it or found a way through so I just don't write about it anymore most of the time. It still sits in me, it's still true, I just don't talk about it not even to write it out here.
What else do you want of me? This is how it is, or at least how it seems to me. I can't make him want me or choose me to be in his life if he doesn't, so I need to accept his choices and that there's no place for me in his life and focus on who/what is in my life as the most pragmatic thing I can do if that's what he chooses. So that's what I've been trying to do ever since realizing that was his choices and how it is.
I'm not getting anywhere new tonight, just thinking myself around in the same circles and tying my heart up in the same knots. So I'm gonna read my book and drink my tea and try to decide if I'm going to go to work once the rain stops to get hours in for the week or not and just stay home with my dog tonight and read and drink tea.
Maybe. Maybe the problem is the very idea that there's no place for me in his life. Maybe even when I'm ostracized from the important people and things in his life and I'm trying to give him space let him go, the place of me is still present within his silences and my absences... And I'd much rather my place be my presence in a shared life path with him than my absence from his and his absence from mine. I know I want that, selfishly and completely. I don't know WHY, but I do know is about my wanting and how unshakeably consistent it's always been this life. So I do know what i want. I just don't think I can have it at this point. Because I don't know that he wants it this life. And I also don't know how we get there from here.... But that doesn't stop my wanting. It never has.
I do have complete faith, waking and dreaming, that there is always a path to bring us back together in any and every lifetime. Including this one. And that if we both want it and both choose each other, there's nothing that can block us from reaching each other. And even with all the things that haven't gone how I would have wanted and all my doubting that there's a place for me in his life and all the things misunderstood and all the mistakes made, I have absolute certainty and clarity that IF we both want each other and choose each other, there's always a path to reach each other once more and a way to have a shared life path. So long as we both want it and there is breath in both our bodies incarnating in the same time, there will always be a thread and way to each other -- there will always be the pull that leads us back to each other, whether waking or dreaming. He can always find me in dreams, as long as we are sleeping at the same time, he can always reach me there no matter how confused and seemingly disconnected things have gotten in our quotidian.
[Post Title; Lyrics to the Rose Betts song Irish Eyes. I've been obsessed, and I do mean OBSESSED, with this song since I first heard it several years ago in an a cappella insta reel post before she had finished writing it. I think it started with the fact that the best word for my eye color is the Irish word glas (which means sea colored and covers all shades of green-blue-grey even some gold glimmers) and that while my eyes are green when I'm happy laughing inside and silvery when I'm deadly serious, just like in the first verse she wrote for the song my eyes always get their bluest when I'm sad or I let me cry. The rhythm/melody of this song is stuck in my head a lot these recent years and I find myself singing and humming it apropos of nothing in particular, just my head reminding me it exists. I also find myself singing her song Doodles quite often -- upbeat happy sounding earworm about regrets and mistakes you'd undo if only you could.]
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