My Churchill's Tea Advent calendar arrived yesterday, a day earlier than promised, even with how late I ordered it so I had it up on my non-fiction unread shelves last night and first tea on Dec 1 proper! Also, look how cute this year's Advent calendar is -- instead of plain numbered envelopes full of tea and a description card, the envelopes are numbered doors. So fucking CUTE!!!! I'm saving these envelopes in my holiday decor boxes for a future Advent project of some sort! They're too cute to toss! 

 Spent today at home with Waffles and Spock and Mikaela was dropped off around 10:30ish after M's Botox migraine in sections. As soon as she got here I laid a fire then made me coffee to go with the bagels M brought for us. Then we we unwrapped put all my collection of ornaments on the tree. then spent all the rest of the day reading sprawled near the fire (Mikaela was on the couch, but me and the dog were floor sprawling by the hearth) and light snow lightly falling all afternoon/evening. Then this evening had dinner with my parents, drinking wine and snuggling sleeping doggo's while catching up on figure skating with my mama while my da plays poker online with his buddies. Aurora borealis is dancing right above me since about 6pm, but I'm in the snow cloud belt (enough to cover everything make it sparkly white beautiful!!!) so you need to be up at least Wausau/Appleton north of here to see them. But my friends with cabins up north and who live up in like Hayward have posted some AMAZING pictures and the allll the pictures posted in the Northern Lights of Wisconsin facebook group are incredible, some gorgeous gorgeous shots from when the x flare hit this morning (1a-6am) and then again starting about 6:30pm tonight!!!! So I'm in a very good tranquil happy space here right now tonight after such a cozy hygge day.

Mostly this post is a reminder to my future self that I need to go listen to everything I can find by Jean-Michel Blais. He's a Québécois pianist-composer based in Montréal and Lajoie & Lagha (Canadian ice dancers) are skating to his composition Roses this season and it's such a beautiful piano piece it brought me close to tears just at how beautiful parts of it is. You know, when something is so beautiful your heart gets so full of the beauty and wonder you tear up at how happy you are such a gorgeous beautiful thing IS. It's such a gorgeous piece. Very Chopin meets George Winston's Spring Into Summer. It's been a long time since a new to me pianist/composer has moved my heart so deeply with its beauty. 

So this is a love note to myself about that piece of music and to go look up everything else I can find by Jean-Michel Blais. 

Also this is a promise to explain later, not tonight, about why Tues was a rather rough morning/day in my life. 

But yeah. Jean-Michel Blais! So excited to discover more of his music later tonight or tomorrow!!! 

To make up for how short this update is and my recent quiet here, have some pictures from today of the  tree and my dog and the fire (including my purple-y aura whenever my hands or me trying to get pictures were too close to the heat of the fire)

Waffles has been extra EXTRA clingy and snuggly the last couple days since being told that in two weeks (one a half weeks now) I'll be leaving for two weeks. I've TOLD her she's going to stay with my parents and Sophie and they will spoil her with lots of delicious meat scraps from their meals. I started teasing her that maybe she'll love their table scraps dog spoiling so much she might prefer living with them over me. And that's when she got super clingy to me, when I started teasing her she might prefer living with my parents and Sophie, instead of Spock and me. Life lesson: don't tease a Cancer pup that they might be happier with someone else instead of you -- they bond even more deeply clinging to you once they choose you than your recently deceased emo Pisces princess pup who still comes to visit you in dream space bonded to you. Although, I never once teased Audrey that she might want to live with anyone other than me -- the moment I showed up at the rescue after the lady thought our personalities matched based on my email, Audrey came running to me immediately and the first time I said "I was thinking to call her Audrey" after being told she never responded to the name jenny, Audrey Puburn came running and sat at my feet knowing she had been called. Spooked the shit out of the lady at the rescue. So Audrey was always mine and she visited me in dream spaces before she was born to tell me she was coming soon and so I needed to look for her. So I never once in our nearly 15 years teased Audrey about maybe she'd rather live with anyone but me. I teased Waffles about it because when the prospect of rehoming her first came up, it was unclear if she would be living with me or my parents. That was before she setup SUCH a ruckus about me forgetting her after my visit last November, lol.

Hope you're also having a lovely Friday night however you're spending it. Though good luck having quite so cozy hygge as my day and night have been! 

 O but this morning was fucking rough..... And from like 9:30am til about 1:00ish I needed to vent storytell so bad..... But then there was lunch and then across the afternoon things that needed to be dealt with got unravelled then re-ravelled in a new better way dealt with (though I did not make it to Target to pickup tampons for me and two packs of Channukah candles for me and my parents and another container of litter for the cat -- all of which I need sooner not later so I'm hoping to go tomorrow.) And then there was girls night at Grape Water for wine and Salvatore's Pies pizza. Then to my parents house to watch ice skating with my maman and the doggo's with another bottle of wine and supplemental quesadillas for second dinner since both still peckish after the pizza.  

And so right now I'm in a very happy red wine wine drunk agape love the world loving and loved state and less upset about the difficulties of the morning since they were solved and thr new solution seems better. (other than continuing to be upset over the safety hazards of the accessibility issues at the podiatry place, Associated Podiatrists, for the appointment that wasn't even though we showed up because my grandma took too long getting to it due to the aforementioned accessibility issues. Like I said, it was a fucking difficult morning......) 

Anyway tomorrow (today now) looks like sleep then waking up way to drop off doggo to sleep in her kennel with Billy Joel music to be at Grandma's by 8:45 to get her to a 9:15 optometry appointment. Then back to work for lunch. Then replacing the nonfunctional last of the icicle lights with Ian (the order of more lights arrived and tomorrow it warms up.) Then getting my COVID and flu vac at 3:15 & 3:30 windows. Then over to do my Target run. Then knuckling down at work watering plants and getting stuff done. (I have like 15 more hours to get in across the work but got none in today even though I was there in the afternoon but on phone calls figuring out moving grandma's podiatry to somewhere kinder/more patient with geriatrics/more physically accessible for disability and mobility issues.) 

Thurs my plan is to stay home to rest and get some laundry down and then eventually head in to work to finish out hours. Maybe end of month deposit if it's ready or do it over the weekend. Fri will be some introvert recharge time at home then at work for a smidge end of day then probably dinner and figure skating with my mum at my parents house. Saturday will just be working getting hours in for next week. Sunday is brunch with Crissy, Denis, and Karissa then the Christmas symphony concert then my parents house to get my doggo but maybe stay for some skating then the Packers game watching with my mum.  On verra. anyway..first now. I need some sleeeeeeeps. So I'm going to finish this tea and F Scott Fitzgerald story, then straight to bed with me. Alarms for the morning are already set!

 It's snowing!!!! Really snowing!!!! Not just flurries, but real and truly sparkle fluff falling for hours!!!! and it's so beautiful and I have all the snow giddies because it's actually accumulating and we're supposed to get another inch or more between now and when it stops in the afternoon AND the temps are staying low enough it won't just melt away like the last one until at least Weds!!!!!!!! 

I'm so tempted to stay up all night because it makes me so happy but I'm too tired to trust me not to fall asleep if I lay a fire in the hearth which is what I most desire to do -- so I'm going to make me sleep til sunrise and then get up and go grin at the snow and lay a fire in the hearth and enjoy the cozy until whenever I head to work for a bit. Because I want to have the fire going, but I shouldn't if I'm already sleepy just in case. So I must make me go to bed so I can wake up to more snow giddies and the promise to myself of a hearthfire in the fireplace! 

Sorry I've not been writing here, I've been busy with life stuff and haven't really had anything of much importance to say recently unless you wanted anecdotes from like hygge at home days or going to a movie theater for the first time in ages or my opinions on the film adaptation of Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes or the visit to the zoo or how gloriously beautiful the sunset was on Wednesday night (so pretty that I kidnapped Mikaela on the way back from the zoo told her we were driving westward past work until the sky painting stopped being so gorgeous and then after stating it I turned up the music -- she just laughed told me that was the most classic Dani thing she had heard from me in a while) or cooking/tea making (I have a histamine relief tea of my own recipe making that I make for my family/friends with allergies and my mum, Crissy, and Mikaela were all recently run out of it so I wanted to be sure to get them more before I'm leaving town next month) for Thanksgiving or the joys of that Packers win and especially Owens getting a defensive recovery touchdown like that or how my dog and I accidentally ended Thanksgiving by me throwing a toy that she bounced off her nose like a seal instead of catching flew directly at my mom's wine glass full of red wine shattering crystal everywhere making a massive mess in the kitchen for me (with Sarah's help) to clean up  or my critique of the tour of My Fair Lady or how I accidentally stepped in it made family drama trying to compliment my sister that her Packers Santa hat she made me was a hit with the extended family only to find out that neither my aunt who organized it nor my mum ever told her about the last minute zoom on Thanksgiving so it wasn't that they were busy they just didn't know it was happening..... Apparently when not reading or visiting with animals or starting fires or seeing shows or eating/drinking while hanging out with family/friends who are chosen family, I've been stirring up accidental mischief since I last wrote here. 🤦‍♀️ You sure you've missed me? Me and my accidental mischief mess making, lol.

But I'm not going to actually TELL any of those anecdotes, even though they ARE a part of my truth this last week, I'm supposed to be trying to get some sleep so I can wake up to even more snow giddies and scamper off to the living room to go start a fire in the fireplace. To make up for it, here are some pictures of the last fire in the hearth, the one on Tuesday when Mikaela came over to hang out with me and the fur babies and I started putting up the tree and putting Halloween underneath it. (It's a personal tradition I came up with. Living by myself with fur babies who would destroy wrapped toys/treats for them while I slept, under the tree looks sad and pathetic living just me and my familiars -- so I decided at some point right out of college that all of the Halloween decorations ought to be collected and go under the tree in honor of Jack Skellington and that it isn't til just before midnight of Christmas Eve turning to Christmas Day when Sandy Claws is freed that Halloween FINALLY gets removed from under the tree banished back to the closet til next spooky season and any wrapped gifts I've got hidden away elsewhere get to go under the tree for opening in the morning. I've kept the tradition even with my ex boyfriends and past roommates -- it's a whimsical just me tradition but I like it. Halloween goes under the tree til the very end of Christmas Eve/start of Christmas Day )

Anyway. Fire pictures from Tuesday. Here ya go. Also at the end some of Waffles excited to have holiday toys that are brand new to her wanting me to play after the tree was up but no ornaments on it yet. (My house rule with dogs is when there is a fire going, fetch can only be played down the hall and only with someone standing or sitting on the floor at the top of the hall -- no throwing things from the couch or across or toward the fire or that could get bounced into the fire. And no encouraging bodily recklessness and wildness near the fire.)

 

 

 

 

And yes, my fires I lay/light ALWAYS seem to have elementals and spirit shapes in the flames.... Usually dragons and phoenixes and occasionally equine fire horses of some sort or humanoid fire fey, but sometimes other shapes/forms. And yes, me taking picture of/near a fire, especially one I lay, always has inexplicable light beams and orbs that don't make sense given optics. And if I try to get pictures of me too close to a fire, you can actually see my own aura and halo like a protective colored second skin between me and the fire.... I'm wyrd remember. And I've died enough times by fire that I have some autonomic type protective spiritual gifts kick in just in case when I get too near or start playing with fires. Even little baby candle flames, you can see the protective aura if I put my finger in/near the flame. Hot items can burn/blister me, but not typically open flames even the time I was engulfed in a fireball lighting a grill in college not realizing how long the gas had been on when the others couldn't get it started. When it happens. I can FEEL the flames dancing on the other side of the energy barrier but not even the hairs on me singe from the exposure to the fire that should have burned me is the best I can describe it. So far in this life, the flames don't hurt me because they stay right outside the purpley energy barrier around me if I get too close to the flames, but the coal/burning wood or the hot pan or the wick that's still smoldering will.

P. S. Growing up in the north, not having snow on the ground by mid November weighs heavy on my heart and fills me with dread that everything is wrong and someone will die for it. The first year I ever experienced unseasonably warm won'ter solstice and a Christmas without snow, my Jewish grandpa died on Christmas Day. The next time I was somewhere without snow at Christmas, I was down visiting family in Florida, my Great Grandma Brenner died on Christmas Eve. This last year, we got snow Christmas Eve but then it converted to rain later in the morning on Christmas Day and all the snow melted away and this year has been a melting away of death and dying in my life. It's why I get so weird and uncommunicative and stoic and unhappy if there's no snow yet the moment we're past the end of Spooky Season (15° Scorpio) because I just FEEL the weight of all is not right in the world and the dread that someone I love will die.... I know it's correlation, not causation, but it's happened every single time my solstice/Christmas hasn't been snow covered. So the moment it snows, there's just this delighted relief in me as well as my snow giddies over how pretty the fresh snow is. 

Which is why I didn't mind at all that my niblings asked Aunt Elsa Dani to bring them snow to Seattle area for Christmas this year. Because I want it too. And with El Nino and the atmospheric rivers and how weak the jet stream is, it's actually easier to push things around bring me snow out there than here this year.

The worst thing you could ever do to me as a surprise would be to try to take me somewhere tropical or desert or the other hemisphere in Nov/Dec. I would definitely NOT be happily surprised, I'd be furious and hurt and not want to go. If you ever want to take me anywhere in Nov/Dec, take me further north or into the mountains, take me where there should be more snow not less.... 

 IT'S SNOWING ITS SNOWING IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!!! IT'S!!!!!!! SNOWING!!!!!!! 😁

It's light and too warm to stick on anything but cars and rooftops so far, but it's snowflakes falling!!!!!!! After waking up with the sunrise as is my wont, I definitely leapt out of bed all excited, grabbing my glasses case on the way and ran over to the window and shoved my glasses on to see! And then M started texting me at like 7:30. 

And M's teacher cancelled class (injured her ankle over the weekend while taking, slippy morning not worth the risk) so her mom will be dropping her off and I'm about to lay a fire in the hearth!!!!! 💖 

Waffles decided after her initial excitement and kisses and licking the cat until he complained and got out of bed ran away from her that she lives with a certifiably crazy person who lacks proper respect for sleep and after drinking some water she put herself back to bed in her crate 😆 So I will not be taking her on a walk before M gets dropped off so I'm going to start the fire now so it can be going by the time she gets dropped off.

Haven't decided yet if I'm going to stay in PJs all day or change before she gets here. On verra. Coffee will probably be the next great priority after the fire is going, lol. Well, fire then putting on some George Winston music then coffee and trying not to be completely distracted by the snow and my snow giddies are my current priority list this morning, lol. But yay!!!!!!! What an excitingly delightful "o I feel so lucky and spoiled by the Universe getting everything I said I wanted!" way to start the morning!!!!! 

O!!!!! And also a happy bonus gift to me!!!!!! Today I get triple stars at Starbucks!!!!!! Not double stars, triple stars!! So I should definitely chestnut praline latte and cranberry bliss bar on triple Star day to get me closer to a free chestnut praline latte I can use for at least one of my two travel days next month!!!!! 

Today (well yesterday now) Ian and I put up the outdoor icicle lights at work (and of course, even though I tested them inside, one set of strands decided when we got them outside that it had a short somewhere in it and so wouldn't do anything at all which made me angry and then it just went dead dead and some of the others went dead dead so i calmed down tried talking nice to it and bending/flexing along the length and got it to only intermittently barely flickers very dim won't stay lit no matter where in the series that strand is plugged in -- so I put it right at the end to more easily replace and we ordered more of the same type of led lights) and then later on tonight I decided that while I had the box of lights/snowflakes down I'd put up my Let it Snow banner and all the window snowflakes (that stay up all winter even once the rest of the holiday decorations come down.) I'll wait to put up the ACTUAL holiday decorations in the big box: the little tree with the presents and my rat kings, the garlands with all the lights, the menorah, etc.  But for today I put up the wreath on the door and all the snowflakes as well as the outdoor icicle lights. And right after I did, the cold rain tonight switched to mixed precip turning to snow in the morning!!!! And o but I do hope that promise of snow is real!!!!!!!  I will have all the snow giddies if only it WOULD snow, it's well and truly past the time there ought to be snow in Wisconsin after all....

 

 I started happy dancing when I saw the forecast shift and grinning extra huge and told my parents to blame me for putting up my "Let It Snow" banner and all the snowflakes tonight if their morning commute is extra messy with bad drivers.

I was thinking I'd go home early and light a fire and stay up all night with it just in case to watch the snow.... But here it is 1am and I've not yet gone home yet and while I don't want to MISS the beauty of the first snowfall, I should get at least some sleep (and preferably not with a fire going in the hearth, lol.)   Also, tomorrow Mikaela wants to come over during the day to hang out with me and Spock and Waffles and maybe have a fire during the daytime and I'll probably put out my menorah (a gift from my sister, even though she's an atheist Jew and her husband is an atheist Jew) and put up my tree and all the ornaments and all my at home decorations while Mikaela is visiting. Just have a nice cozy put up all the happy light and decorations day. (All I've put out was taking down the holiday mugs today and not just the late fall into winter snowman mugs.)  Tomorrow night Crissy and I have 8:something pm tickets to see Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes at Point because Tuesdays are the cheap $6 ticket day at Marcus Theatres.  I mentioned it to her that it was coming out while I was driving to APT and she just went into the app and made it happen while we were waiting for our Spring Green Culver's orders to arrive before going to see Proof at APT. So tomorrow is supposed to start with fresh snowfall (though it may not stick since ground temps are above freezing) and the day I'll be at home with Mikaela (after her classes are done) and the animals and putting up my Channukah/Christmas/Yule/Solstice and then tomorrow night going to go see the movie in the theatre. And even though I didn't come in at all last night after watching the Packers game with my maman (we FINALLY won!!!) because exhaustion just hit me hard and I opted to go home to sleep and I realized that it was a holiday week with like 8hrs pto AND I got nearly 14hrs in on Saturday when I came in early to take care of the mulch and herbs. And now I've managed to get like 10 hours in because I came in at 3ish to get the lights done and I'm still here. And that means it's only Monday and I'm somehow already sitting on nearly 34 hours out of 40 hours clocked in for the week and it's only Monday....  Capricorn moon much?! 

Luckily, I have a LOT of plans for the week, so it's probably a good thing.

Tomorrow (today now?): Playing in the snow if any accumulates --> hanging out with Mikaela and the fur babies and cozy holiday decorating time --> back to work and watering the melodramatic mfs among the plants who needs water every 3-4 days --> cocktails of some sort with my mum and Sarah and then dinner --> seeing Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes --> picking up my dog and heading home (or punching in to water the melodramatic mfs if I didn't take care of them earlier, lol) 

Wednesday: Quiet morning by myself with the fur babies --> picking up Mikaela after her classes finish at 1:30ish --> going to the zoo and visiting with all the giant fur babies --> work to make the pumpkin/squash soup for Thurs and maybe put up the holiday decorations (otherwise I'll put them up Fri)

Thursday: Heading to my parents house at like 11:30ish to watch the Packers game with my maman and help cook/prep whatever needs doing --> 4ish Crissy and Sarah and Mikaela (and maybe Chris, Sarah's husband, but he probably won't come) will come and we'll sit down for Thanksgiving meal --> hanging out with the girls while my da brings my grandma a plate of her meal and drops another plate off at Glenn's since he'll be by himself

Friday: Putting up holiday decorations if I haven't yet --> meeting downtown for dinner before the tour of My Fair Lady at Overture Hall which my parents, Sarah, Mikaela, Crissy, and I have tickets for

Then next week isn't so crazy, thankfully. Tues my grandma has a podiatry appointment in the morning and Weds she has an optometry appointment in the morning and then Sun the 3 is the holiday symphony show (I was astonished they only had two weekends between Nov symphony and Dec holiday symphony) and then a week with nothing in the calendar except tickets to All Is Calm on the first night of Channukah starting (and fitting my work hours in whenever) and then I fly out to Seattle early morning on the 12th to visit my sister and her family and I will be out there across the holidays fly home overnight the 27/28 (unless my 5 hour layover in Denver in the early morning ends up snowed in and then I'll have to figure something out) and home with enough time to catch up and get end of month/end of year done at work. 

I was also reminded today that I still have 9 days of ptso and only 3 can roll over if not used by whatever point in January so I do NOT need to try to cram in as many as possible of 40 hours of work before a Tuesday morning flight out west and arrive tired and know that the kiddos will be my alarm clock at 7am the morning after my flight gets in (and every morning thereafter, lol) because the week I won't be bookending any hours will only use up 5 ptso days AND I get the holiday of Christmas Day as a freebie 8 hours don't need to work or use ptso days once I'm back so that's only a 32hr work week if I don't use days so like, I can go ahead and use my days the first week of me being gone instead of trying to cram 40hours in Sat-Sun-Mon staying up all night before a morning flight.

This is what happens when you have any Capricorn placements (mine are Capricorn moon and Cap Jupiter) and grew up in a family owned business that you have spent your whole life joking is ACTUALLY the oldest child in the family so you grew up more like a middle child even though you're the oldest. Even when you don't MEAN to be a workaholic, you find yourself on a Monday night with around 35 hours of your 40 hours in and getting a lecture from your mom/boss/hr (because family business) about actually USING your ptso and not staying late the night before/all weekend to try to get as much done as possible before you leave in a couple weeks. Fucking incorrigible workaholic habits.... Even when you're the only person in charge of scheduling your own hours because that's just what works best for ADHD to hyperfocus and actually get stuff done instead of being a happy fun distraction for yourself and everyone else..

Anyway. I'm going to head home now. before the weather cools the roads intoslippery  messiness. Maybe try to get some sleep then wake up to see if we really DO get snow and to watch it falling or just stay up like an overgrown kid WAITING for the promised snow to start falling, maybe. And depending on the road conditions, I'll let Mikaela and Sarah know if I'll brave the other drivers on the first "omg there's something frozen wet on the ground, what do I doooooooooooooo" annual amnesia of how to drive on snow/mixed precipitation (yeah it happens in WI too first snow/mixed precip of the year) to head across town to pick M up at 10ish bring her back or if she should take the bus to mcw and figure out getting her to my place from there. On verra. But first step to whatever I do tomorrow is me heading home now, lol.

 So. I realized something late last night. As I was happy sleepy getting ready for bed. And I was going to write it before I forgot it but the adulting part of my brain was like, "No no no. It's nearly 3am. If you look into a phone screen now, you'll wake yourself back up and won't get enough sleep and then tomorrow will suck. And tomorrow you are meeting Crissy at 11 when you drop off Waffles to your parents then you're heading downtown to meet with Denis for boozy brunch at Cento before the lecture before 2:30 symphony. And then you are going to your parents house to watch the DVRed Packers game she's saving to watch with you. This is your only window for any sleep in the next 18 hours unless you plan to fall asleep at symphony or while watching the game. This isn't that important." My innermost self: "But it IS That important." My inner adult: "Then remember it. Hang onto it through sleeping and write it in the morning. Now set the alarms, put your phone on top of the swords on the dresser, turn off the lights and get some sleep!" I woke up with the sunrise and smiled at it because I remembered what I had wanted to clarify before heading to bed, that it was important enough to me to hang onto through sleeping. And then the cat came and curled up on my chest started purring told me, "witch, you really don't sleep enough" and I decided that showering early enough for my curls to dry (even if I dig out my diffuser) wasn't worth the sacrifice of another couple hours sleep. So I didn't get up til 9ish then shambled to the kitchen to start coffee (even though there will be coffee at brunch) and luckily Packer game day means limits on my outfit options. I still have to put contacts in and figure out what I'm doing with my hair since I didn't get up to wash it. 

Anyway. What I wanted to say. I said last night that the song makes me happy and makes my heart sing joy. And it does. But the bridge, the bridge makes me hold really still and feel intensely messy happy. Just a LOT of strong emotions and the kind of happy that pricks your eyes threatens to make you cry because you're so happy that worse things didn't happen but damn they were so close to happening that now after the fact you've got the adrenaline shakes scared by how closely you dodged that bullet... The words they wrote, it reminds me of the polar bear dream, the part where I give up turn to go and the bear realizes and comes running over but can't break through the glacial ice just gets my attention so I go back to say farewell and to wish him luck finding another way around/through to meet up with me again in the future and then he puts his hand up on the opposite side of the ice from mine and the energy/power between our palms spirals outward fractures the ice and shatters it so he can get through before it builds another barrier. That moment, that image in the recurring dream, it was really powerful when we both wanted the same thing and it stuck with me.  And somehow, though I don't know the story or context of the songwriting or even when it's from, the bridge takes me back to that dream moment but seeing it from the other side, right before he puts his paw up to meet my hand. And when I think about it this morning, every time I think of him standing there so forlorn after everything he tried didn't work and me waiting on the other side of the ice palm up to say farewell instead of just going thinking he wouldn't even notice, my right palm comes alive tingles with raw energy ready to be poured into something or someone.

That's what the bridge reminds me of. Whatever is behind the words and the songwriting, that's how I hear it.  But what I wanted to share was the messiness of the deep emotions that come up in me every time I listened to the bridge. Because it's joy and hope yeah, but also that trying not to cry and laugh at the same time for the relief of how nearly everything ended up a tragedy instead of this story, how close we came to the brink of fucking up so completely there is no fixing it or finding a way through. Just that release and flood and ness of emotions. The rest of the song, the emotions are almost all fairly well defined and intense but very much just full of celebration and joy and "o finally" but the bridge makes my emotional dams break and it's all just a mess of strong emotions and the what ifs of how close things came to unfixable tragedy instead. 

It's probably best I didn't write it last night when I was tired and processing the emotions -- it would have been a lot of single word sentence fragments and not able to articulate what I was trying to say because words are fucking hard when my emotions get strong. Like, when you move me to the point all the words disappear and I don't know what to say, that's when you have touched deep core powerful feelings that have overwhelmed me to the point that word shapes can't contain them.  My strongest deepest emotions, they always make the words disappear.... 

And. Also. A lot of the time. Over the years. Whenever I see Eric. I feel too much. All at once. And whether it's a conflicted mess of emotions or it's been strong clear like a carillon bell tolling the one emotional beat. Whatever the emotions ARE. They're just so strong that the words are gone. And I have no words. Just the emotions. Intense and overwhelming emotions. And maybe things would be less of a mess if I could have seized those opportunities and said the things inside me. But I couldn't. The emotions were too much. And maybe it's because things got so tangled. Or maybe because the opportunities have been so few and fleeting. But I do know that if he were standing right here in front of me, right now, the emotions would be so overpowering that I would have no words until the emotions settled back into their normal course. I'd just stand there unable to say anything, just feeling it all. And I'd want more than anything to wrap my arms around him and not let go, but if I didn't know if I SHOULD then I can't say I would. And I don't know if it would be the silent trying to get my feelings under control holding very still or the silent that just gets messy as the emotions pour out in crying/laughing but you still don't have words. Probably would depend on the situation and if I felt that I could trust him with the emotions pouring out or if I felt that whatever else I had to be controlled enough to do what's right and the break down could be later once somewhere safe. But either way, I do know that seeing him, the joy in it would also have so much intensity and so many other layers of emotions that I wouldn't be able to find words right away, not until the emotions had calmed down enough for words to start forming again.

Which is why I wanted to say NOW, while I have words, that the bridge made me feel a lot and it was very messy but cathartic messy but messy emotions every time I listened to it. (And yes I did listen to it more than once. More than three times. So now it's stuck in my memory for always, and hat part of my memory that remembers words set to melody for always after hearing it three times. Though remembering and understanding are different things entirely.) But I think strongest of all was a mix of that post "this was almost catastrophically bad" mess of emotions and the "please, please have the strength and courage you're wondering if you have. Please just reach out and try. Please don't lose it all that could still be by not even trying. I don't want that. It would be a stupid pointless tragedy arc. Please. Find the courage to try." 

And that was the bit I wanted to add. Just to say that the bridge made me feel a lot but it was messy all the emotions tangled up in it. And the reaction itself was messy and broke through in physical ways. Like, the second time my eyes filled with tears nearly started me crying and the third time listening to it I got the post adrenaline shakes and goosebumps during the bridge. And while I have words now, I wanted to acknowledge that messiness and that sometimes the emotions ARE messy in their intensity and that doesn't mean they're bad or not what you want but they're just intense and a lot and I won't have words to communicate them in the moments that I am feeling the mess of them all..... And that includes if or when I see Eric again in real life. Expect me not to have words and that it's not withholding or anything like that, just that the emotions inside me are going to be intense and probably messy because this whole everything got messy. And that me not saying anything doesn't mean something is wrong or not letting you in, just that when my emotions get too intense, all the words disappear and I don't have ANY words for anything at all. So it's not bad if I don't say anything, it just might be a lot of intensity of emotions inside of me that need to be felt before I can even start to find words for anything.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

As i was coming back and forth inside moving plants an while I was thinking with my hands in the dirt and throwing the tennis ball for Waffles to chase, I kept adding more deaths this year to that list. I did say that I knew i was forgetting people while writing up that initial post while dming with the 18 year old checking in on her after they put their 12.5 year old dog down today and trying to make plans for the week to help her through the first part of the silences without their family dog she's had since she was 6, back when he was a small puppy. Nobody has it easy living through those silences after someone you love dies. It's just hard. Fucking hard. It always is. But that doesn't mean I can't help the bonus little sister unrelated to me during her daytime hours, y'know? I asked her how she wants to spend her week -- home with her cat and her rat while they navigate the dog's absence, at my place surrounded by all the books and art and snuggling with Spock and Waffles and I can lay a fire and make tea, or going to the zoo to go see Bo and Berit (our polar bears at our zoo here in Madison) and all the other big fur babies.  And she said all of the above. So we'll make plans for all of the above this week. I also told her that this is Thanksgiving week which means this is the week I put up the snowflakes and decorations at work and put up my tree at home unpack all the ornaments etc (her family are Jehovah's Witnesses and my policy with her growing up was that it was always up to her whatever she wanted to believe because I see spirituality as between the individual and the Divine however they define that, but also while she was minor living under her parents roof she had to at least respect their religion/rules regardless what she believed for herself and that I would limit teaching her energy work with her gifts to what she needed to know to have strong defenses until she turned 18 could decide for herself if she wants to learn more.) So I asked her if she wanted to help me with decorations at mcw and at my flat like when she was a kid or should I do it without her again this year like I have the last several years and she said she wanted to help with it. So I'll wait and do both with her, and unless you want it all to be a surprise it's more fun to do the holiday decorations with others than by yourself anyway.

But anyway. that first list was incomplete. So I added to it. And, the thing is, it's JUST a list of people and animals I have personally met and loved and who died this year. Not the list of people I haven't met whose deaths have made this a hard year on people I care about.

Even George Winston who I added later after remembering that one while pulling the golden thyme to see how deep the roots for what pot to put them in, I met him and talked to him at shows before he started getting so sick he couldn't see people so he pre-signed all the posters for sale before each show -- the posters that like the CDs he sold at the shows were all partnering with a local food shelter who received every single dollar of every single sale because he had enough and more than enough for his needs. (He was just such a kind man.... weird and brilliant, but above all else so kind...) That was before we even realized that my friend Morgan's dad who died of a heart attack had been one of George's closest friends. but that is another story and a private one. But like, I was just talking to my sparrow grandma last week after getting her home following (finally) getting her crown replacement in and we were talking about dogs and cats and personalities. And because my grandma was a voice and piano teacher as well as a commercial singer for radio ads in the 50s/60s before she married, I brought up about Spock loving piano music above anything and everything else and how he'll lay on the piano bench and tap the keys to ask that someone play for him and how even if you put a recording on instead of plunking something out right then because you're rusty and can't remember anything except whatever random melodies/ditties come out of your fingers, the cat is just happy to have ANY piano music.  And then she was like, "Isn't he the one who has a favorite composer?" And I told her that the cat does and that it's George Winston who sadly died this year and that I was lucky enough to get to TELL George that he was my cat's favorite music and how he lit up in delight and told me that is the single best compliment anyone could give him because he loves cats and asked if i had any pictures on my phone so he could have a mental image of Spock who loves his music. So I showed him pictures of my cat and told him stories before he went back to his green room for the rest of his intermission break and ever after, every time he saw me in the audience if I was close enough for him to see, he would light up and say, "You're Spock's owner!" and I would grin and tell him, "Yep! Spock is doing well and sends his love and you're still his favorite! If I could have smuggled him in so he could hear you live and you could meet him, I would have." (George did Zoom a concert for my cat once, but that's another story. And not one I want to share here right now.) Anyway, i wish that I had gotten on video the way that his delight hearing he was my cat's favorite music lit him up with so much joy.... It was so beautiful... And that was something my grandma kept coming back to with the story, how wonderful it was that I GOT to tell him that, that I could give him that joy before he died or got too sick to remember, as just a small repayment for all of the joy that all his songs have brought me over the years of my life. And George Winston remains the thing most commonly played at home, even though right after I told Spock that George Winston had died and so there would never be any new songs of his that Audrey never got to hear, Spock started yowling and wouldn't stop til he went and curled up with the stuffed polar bear that I put Audrey's second jersey on (the one she wasn't buried in.)  And then for a while, Spock would vacillate between his normal purring joy snuggles and then wandering about kitten mewing searching the whole apartment whenever I put on George Winston. But now whenever I put it one, Spock is back to cuddly purring love and gratitude the music IS even though the composer's soul has moved on.

I think sometimes we forget how much joy and love we can gift into the lives of those who have brightened our lives and how little it costs us to do so -- even if at most it's an acquaintanceship built on profound admiration and remembering the quirky man loves cats so he might like to hear the story.... I mean, honestly, I was lucky in that we were sitting in the second row and I was one of the few who stayed put during intermission and i was reading looked up as he came back to grab his tea he had left and I smiled and he told me "thank you for coming tonight and loving the songs." so i took the opportunity to tell him he's always been one of my favorites and to tell him the story of my cat's love for him because I knew how much George loved cats. And that's how it happened. Right place right time.

*sigh* I am grateful I got to tell him that though and to get to see his very real joy in finding out a cat loved his music best of all music. And that i could give him that before the cancer got so much worse.... And my gran fixated on how wonderful a gift it was that I got to tell  him that and gift him that bit of joy in return for all the joy his music has brought into my life.

Anyway, my point is. It's been a fucking hard year of brutally hard losses and grief and deaths. At least among me and my family/friends. And it's not over yet....

In fall of 22, I started writing 24 on everything I put the date on. And every time people called me on it they would laugh at me because apparently most people wait til the new year and then keep writing the PREVIOUS year that's past and it was a very weird only me thing to do to want to mess up the date by skipping ahead like that... And I would get so serious and my eyes would get sad and my shine would dim and I would just say, "the best of this year is past and 2023 is going to be a brutally hard year. Necessary, but HARD.  I'd just like us to be on the other side of it, y'know?" Which, coming from the mouth of a precog who regularly plays Cassandra is a fucking load to lay on people who know about that particular gift of mine. But I couldn't just laugh at me for it, because I knew why I was doing it and even if I didn't tell them what I had seen and what I couldn't stop even with my own sweet dog's life force ebbing, I couldn't bring myself to laugh at me for it because I knew why I was wanting to skip over 2023 and have it be 2024 already....

But. And I'm not saying it balances out the losses of the year. But the thing in me that fails at pessimism every time I try it and screams defiance at whatever tries to beat me because it can kill but can never bend my will and the soul light that shines in wonder that a beautiful thing IS despite all the things tried to destroy it... That part of me, it's starting to rise up from the ashes of the hollows that I have spent most of this year in since Audrey died on the Aquarius new moon, and that part of me is rising up saying, 'but let's make something beautiful and wonderful and new with what remains of this year. This year has taken and taken and taken, and damnit now it's time for it to give something irreplaceable and new that never could have been if not for having gone through what 2023 has been. I want something good and bright that can exist NOW and couldn't have with where things were if we had just skipped over 2023 like the cowardly part of me that didn't want to face what was coming wanted to pretend we could." I never see the happy surprises coming, it's a blind spot of my own making on my precogs and gift of prophecy -- because precogging a happy surprise just destroys the magic for me and for whoever was trying to make it happen. So before the year is out, I want some fucking bright magickal happy surprise to be born into this world that can keep growing shining light and love and goodness into the future so that I can go, "Okay but 2023 was worth going through because it gave us this. Mostly it sucked and took a lot away, but without going through it we wouldn't have this."

Maybe I'm asking for too much in the remaining month and a half (especially with me being at my sister's in Seattle area for two of those six weeks) but I don't think I am. Because I don't precog my own happy surprises and even if it happened in the last hour of the last day of the last month of this year, it would be enough and more than enough.

P. S. 11:11pm update: I didn't say anything about the email from Delta Rae on Thursday. O I saw it, it came in from their email list and the kickstarter email list, so twice over I got the email. And I read it, well them, but they were nearly identical so it. I didn't watch the video -- why bother? In the past any video links have led to their Instagram post which if I click on it when logged in to either my insta (like on my phone) or my facebook account (which is linked to my insta) tells me that there's nothing there, that the video and the account doesn't exist because that's what happens when you're blocked by an instagram account and that happening on the official band account really fucked over anything or anybody that shares to their instagram account and then that just gets me mad because it reminds me it hurts and is unfair and I didn't do anything to deserve it other than be honest that I was sad I'd likely never see Hands Dirty live, which I had LOVED when the single was released, due to country music played at shows being so painful to my color-timbre synesthesia that it would stop me attending future shows. (This was after having attended the Q106 holiday show at the Majestic to see them, and several other artists at that showcase had pitchy vocals that were so painful off key on the twangs that they caused me flinching nerve pain from how my synesthesia experienced those vocalists. So I was speaking from my own personal experience as a direct result of the choices to go country radio in that statement of factual truth speaking where I was at. Which is what got me blocked, for giving the girls honesty they didn't want to hear.) Anyway. I saw no point in even bothering to click on the video update to even consider watching it given the history of their video links always leading to the band's instagram account. 

But I did read the emails, since they came to me and thus didn't violate anyone's boundaries or me seeking out further or renewed contact. I don't have a key for behind the door, I never have, they developed it after the point they were their own management but still refused to even acknowledge or discuss me being blocked on the band's account no matter who I tried to contact about it publicly or privately. So Behind the Door has never been a thing I have ever taken any part in. And as such, it is unlikely I will ever have the opportunity to listen to most of the songs on Never Lost. I just won't. Because I will never spend another penny on the band as long as I am blocked on their instagram account not welcome as their fan. If it weren't for needing to clean up my responsibility surrounding the Minneapolis based entity that had left hooks in the girls, I wouldn't have showed up at the Madison show in April of this year for the Return of the Witch tour, as full circle closure as it was to see them for a last time at High Noon which is where I first saw a full show when 105.5 brought them in back in 2013 after the single release of If I loved You (not first time I saw them perform, that was randomly hurrying down a path to meet friends at Milwaukee Summerfest like 11 years ago and I had no idea who they were but they stopped me in my tracks to listen to them sing Hey, Hey, Hey before I took off back down the path to the stage I was already late to.) But arbitrary boundaries of the band not desiring to exist to me created the instant I was blocked on the band's official instagram account don't outweigh my responsibilities about cleaning up the loose ends and damage created by the unincarnated entity from Minneapolis after I dealt with the entity itself. So I went to the High Noon Saloon show in April, even though it meant spending money on the tickets.

So anyway, the rest of the album given it's only Behind the Door, I don't expect I will ever listen to it. But the single, since it arrived in my own inbox with a link that I could access, that I consider included from my Kickstarter support when I had hope that them going independent and new management meant things could get cleaned up and the past was a mistake. That didn't happen, but still I paid into the Kickstarter on good faith of that hope so I consider anything gifted to Kickstarter backers as part of what I helped support. 

I didn't listen to the song Give Her What She Wants yesterday -- I wasn't in the right head space or heart space for that especially as I got more and more news yesterday. But after I got back inside from taking care of the gardening stuff and made some dinner, I listened to the song tonight.

It's beautiful and I loved it. Thank you for recording it and sharing it and making sure it got to me. That wasn't the easiest at this juncture to get me to hear it, all things considered. But I am very grateful that it did make it to me and I heard it tonight.

I don't know what all I think/feel from it and all the ripples inside me, but I know it's beautiful and I loved it and it made my heart happy and I REALLY want to believe it true and that there's a way through to get from here to the promise in it. I don't see it from what I can see but that doesn't mean there isn't a way -- just means i can't see it from my subjective perspective where I am looking at it.

But I do love the song and it's beautiful and it makes my heart sing happiness and I'm very grateful that it did reach me and I did choose to listen to it tonight. 

And I don't know any of the rest or have answers -- but I know that all those things are true. Or at least, if not objective truth with a capital T, it's still my truth and true about me and my heart.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the song Airplanes by B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams.]

 It's been a rough 36 hours in my world.... A lot of deaths. Again. This year has been a lot of deaths among those near and dear to me. 

Yesterday afternoon Tara shared that Chris just died yesterday and the funeral is tomorrow. (My friends in Kentucky, he developed very aggressive bowel cancer of some sort this summer but they didn't know for certain until August.) Last night another friend shared that her mother (who was very old and ailing) passed. And Morgan's grandma just died (she's the one whose dad was best friends with George Winston; she's also had a hard year with deaths and loss this year.)  Just now Sarah shared that their family made the hard decision to put down their 12.5 year old dog Cooper (he's been refusing to eat and his BUN numbers indicated kidney failure.)  None of them were completely unexpected, but it's still hard when it happens even if you know it's only a matter of time. 

Deaths within my family/friend circle this year:

~My 14.5 year old doggo Audrey Pupburn in January

~Amy's mom in February

~George Winston in June (Spock yowled when I told him then went to go snuggle with my bear that has Audrey's second jersey on it to console himself....)

~Rain (one of Mikaela's two pet rats) in July

~My great-uncle Frank in August (when I went down to Chicago for the funeral and to sit shivah with the extended family instead of to the Seo Linn show at IAHC like I had planned that night)

~my cousin Ry & Sarah's dog Cocoa in Oct (Cocoa was older than Audrey and was a big part of the time I've spent with Ry & Sarah over the last 15 years or so.)

~Aoife's dad in October

~Stephie J's mom last weekend (Steph was one of my best friends in elementary school, high school, and through most of college so I'd known her mom a VERY long time.)

I feel like there are some other pet deaths I'm not thinking of right now -- I know both my college friend Chelsea's dog and Jenny one of my former Irish dance teacher's family dog both died within a week of Audrey so I talked to them a lot as we were all going through it at the same time. I didn't know those dogs, but I know what my friends far from me were going through at the same time as me. And sometimes (most of the time) it's the grieving hurting of those who remain that is harder than the death reaching it's finite time's up..... because you grieve as deep as you love. Always.  It's why my grief is so deep it always threatens to drown me if I don't go to the hollows where I can't feel anything at all for a while. Whenever the grief breaks through the hollows, and it does sometimes though it can take a while, I will curl up in bed and drown in tears until I can get a hold on myself and get back to the hollows again so I can keep going forward instead of drowning in all the feelings. "Grief is all the love inside you with no place to go" (I don't remember where that quote is from, there's more to it and it makes it's rounds as a popular meme from time to time. But it's one that I particularly love because it's true.)

I also have an uncle and an aunt whose cancers have returned aggressively and all care is palliative and my grandma in Oregon (state) is having a lot of gi issues as is my da's best friend Brian who just went into hospital this week for emergency surgery for intestinal perforation and my da hasn't gotten to see him but he's at least in his own room of the ICU now..... Those are all "not sure when the shoe will drop but also may not have much time remaining" that will hurt but not be unexpected, y'know? Just a lot of death this year... A lot of deaths.... And of course, I always lose a family member on my Jewish side of the family whenever I experience a Christmas without snow on the ground -- so I'm hoping for white Christmas snow in Seattle area while I'm out there... though it's expected this El Nino year will make snow very rare in WI this year so I may actually have better luck to get a white Christmas in Kirkland than Madison....

Anyway. It's just been a rough year and another rough 36 hours in my world...

I've been doing physical garden before the snow prep to not dwell on it. I finished laying out the remaining mulch before the temperatures (FINALLY) drop later this week and I'm snacking while dming with Mikaela (this is her third pet death this year including my girl Audrey who she grew up with as being a n extended family dog who was with her all through her childhood whenever she was spending time with me; 3 pet deaths in one year when you're only 18, the two dogs having been a part of your life for 2/3 (Cooper) and 3/4 (Audrey) of your life,  is just a fucking lot. For anyone. But she takes deaths deeply to heart so it's extra hard on her to have lost three beloved fur babies this year...) Anyway. I'm currently taking care of some other peppers/tomatoes that I put back outside because it warmed up enough to get the fruits off them but they had either scale or white fly. (I have one pepper plant and four tomato plants still inside, but those aren't sick and if/when they run out of fruits or get sick they will be going outside.) I'm trying to figure out what to do with the remaining herbs in the herb box if I can transplant them or not. Both Crissy and my maman want some for Thanksgiving but the box is too big to move inside and the  nights are going to get too cold starting Tuesday night but it's too early to cull them for Thurs to have them still be fresh... So I'm thinking I might transplant them to try to get them through the week. because even if they hate the transplant and die on me, I can still have the last of the fresh sage and parsley and thyme for Thursday. 

Anyway. It's just been a rough day or so of deaths. I know that all mortal things are finite and that's why it matters to love them while you have the opportunities. (Because even when you are lucky enough to find each other again in new bodies, you both grow and change and you'll never have the chance to love THIS version of them again. Never ever ever.)  It just never gets easier, saying goodbyes to the versions of them that they were in THIS particular life in THIS particular body. And there's just been a lot of it woven through my year this year, the endings and deaths of those whose finite time has ended. And the last 36 hours has once again had a LOT of them all clustered together....