So. I realized something late last night. As I was happy sleepy getting ready for bed. And I was going to write it before I forgot it but the adulting part of my brain was like, "No no no. It's nearly 3am. If you look into a phone screen now, you'll wake yourself back up and won't get enough sleep and then tomorrow will suck. And tomorrow you are meeting Crissy at 11 when you drop off Waffles to your parents then you're heading downtown to meet with Denis for boozy brunch at Cento before the lecture before 2:30 symphony. And then you are going to your parents house to watch the DVRed Packers game she's saving to watch with you. This is your only window for any sleep in the next 18 hours unless you plan to fall asleep at symphony or while watching the game. This isn't that important." My innermost self: "But it IS That important." My inner adult: "Then remember it. Hang onto it through sleeping and write it in the morning. Now set the alarms, put your phone on top of the swords on the dresser, turn off the lights and get some sleep!" I woke up with the sunrise and smiled at it because I remembered what I had wanted to clarify before heading to bed, that it was important enough to me to hang onto through sleeping. And then the cat came and curled up on my chest started purring told me, "witch, you really don't sleep enough" and I decided that showering early enough for my curls to dry (even if I dig out my diffuser) wasn't worth the sacrifice of another couple hours sleep. So I didn't get up til 9ish then shambled to the kitchen to start coffee (even though there will be coffee at brunch) and luckily Packer game day means limits on my outfit options. I still have to put contacts in and figure out what I'm doing with my hair since I didn't get up to wash it. 

Anyway. What I wanted to say. I said last night that the song makes me happy and makes my heart sing joy. And it does. But the bridge, the bridge makes me hold really still and feel intensely messy happy. Just a LOT of strong emotions and the kind of happy that pricks your eyes threatens to make you cry because you're so happy that worse things didn't happen but damn they were so close to happening that now after the fact you've got the adrenaline shakes scared by how closely you dodged that bullet... The words they wrote, it reminds me of the polar bear dream, the part where I give up turn to go and the bear realizes and comes running over but can't break through the glacial ice just gets my attention so I go back to say farewell and to wish him luck finding another way around/through to meet up with me again in the future and then he puts his hand up on the opposite side of the ice from mine and the energy/power between our palms spirals outward fractures the ice and shatters it so he can get through before it builds another barrier. That moment, that image in the recurring dream, it was really powerful when we both wanted the same thing and it stuck with me.  And somehow, though I don't know the story or context of the songwriting or even when it's from, the bridge takes me back to that dream moment but seeing it from the other side, right before he puts his paw up to meet my hand. And when I think about it this morning, every time I think of him standing there so forlorn after everything he tried didn't work and me waiting on the other side of the ice palm up to say farewell instead of just going thinking he wouldn't even notice, my right palm comes alive tingles with raw energy ready to be poured into something or someone.

That's what the bridge reminds me of. Whatever is behind the words and the songwriting, that's how I hear it.  But what I wanted to share was the messiness of the deep emotions that come up in me every time I listened to the bridge. Because it's joy and hope yeah, but also that trying not to cry and laugh at the same time for the relief of how nearly everything ended up a tragedy instead of this story, how close we came to the brink of fucking up so completely there is no fixing it or finding a way through. Just that release and flood and ness of emotions. The rest of the song, the emotions are almost all fairly well defined and intense but very much just full of celebration and joy and "o finally" but the bridge makes my emotional dams break and it's all just a mess of strong emotions and the what ifs of how close things came to unfixable tragedy instead. 

It's probably best I didn't write it last night when I was tired and processing the emotions -- it would have been a lot of single word sentence fragments and not able to articulate what I was trying to say because words are fucking hard when my emotions get strong. Like, when you move me to the point all the words disappear and I don't know what to say, that's when you have touched deep core powerful feelings that have overwhelmed me to the point that word shapes can't contain them.  My strongest deepest emotions, they always make the words disappear.... 

And. Also. A lot of the time. Over the years. Whenever I see Eric. I feel too much. All at once. And whether it's a conflicted mess of emotions or it's been strong clear like a carillon bell tolling the one emotional beat. Whatever the emotions ARE. They're just so strong that the words are gone. And I have no words. Just the emotions. Intense and overwhelming emotions. And maybe things would be less of a mess if I could have seized those opportunities and said the things inside me. But I couldn't. The emotions were too much. And maybe it's because things got so tangled. Or maybe because the opportunities have been so few and fleeting. But I do know that if he were standing right here in front of me, right now, the emotions would be so overpowering that I would have no words until the emotions settled back into their normal course. I'd just stand there unable to say anything, just feeling it all. And I'd want more than anything to wrap my arms around him and not let go, but if I didn't know if I SHOULD then I can't say I would. And I don't know if it would be the silent trying to get my feelings under control holding very still or the silent that just gets messy as the emotions pour out in crying/laughing but you still don't have words. Probably would depend on the situation and if I felt that I could trust him with the emotions pouring out or if I felt that whatever else I had to be controlled enough to do what's right and the break down could be later once somewhere safe. But either way, I do know that seeing him, the joy in it would also have so much intensity and so many other layers of emotions that I wouldn't be able to find words right away, not until the emotions had calmed down enough for words to start forming again.

Which is why I wanted to say NOW, while I have words, that the bridge made me feel a lot and it was very messy but cathartic messy but messy emotions every time I listened to it. (And yes I did listen to it more than once. More than three times. So now it's stuck in my memory for always, and hat part of my memory that remembers words set to melody for always after hearing it three times. Though remembering and understanding are different things entirely.) But I think strongest of all was a mix of that post "this was almost catastrophically bad" mess of emotions and the "please, please have the strength and courage you're wondering if you have. Please just reach out and try. Please don't lose it all that could still be by not even trying. I don't want that. It would be a stupid pointless tragedy arc. Please. Find the courage to try." 

And that was the bit I wanted to add. Just to say that the bridge made me feel a lot but it was messy all the emotions tangled up in it. And the reaction itself was messy and broke through in physical ways. Like, the second time my eyes filled with tears nearly started me crying and the third time listening to it I got the post adrenaline shakes and goosebumps during the bridge. And while I have words now, I wanted to acknowledge that messiness and that sometimes the emotions ARE messy in their intensity and that doesn't mean they're bad or not what you want but they're just intense and a lot and I won't have words to communicate them in the moments that I am feeling the mess of them all..... And that includes if or when I see Eric again in real life. Expect me not to have words and that it's not withholding or anything like that, just that the emotions inside me are going to be intense and probably messy because this whole everything got messy. And that me not saying anything doesn't mean something is wrong or not letting you in, just that when my emotions get too intense, all the words disappear and I don't have ANY words for anything at all. So it's not bad if I don't say anything, it just might be a lot of intensity of emotions inside of me that need to be felt before I can even start to find words for anything.