This evening I got a text from my optometrist office that my eye exam tomorrow was cancelled will need to reschedule because my optometrist is sick. It wasn't a need to -- I still have plenty of contacts. It's just that back in 24, we scheduled mine for a year out and it ended up beign whle I was going to be at my sister's so then we moved the appointment for after I was back home and that's how it ended up on Jan 5 -- but I can wait to go in for quite a lot of months before I need to have a renewed rx for ordering more contacts and my rx hasn't changed since I last got my current two pairs of glasses so it's not urgent, just a thing to get done eventually when convenient for me, lol. And that appointment was actually my only have to this week (other than fitting my hours in at work however I choose to do so.)  I mean, technically, I have plans for Crissy and Denis to come join me and my parents and Sarah and Karissa for cocktails at work on Thurs evening AND Sat night I have plans to watch the Packers game in the playoffs with my mum and Crissy is going to come join us for that one since it might be the closest the Packers get to Super Bowl this year. (I'm...concerned...about the Pack through this post season. The team is incredibly beat up with 14 players on injured reserve, including crucial players, and even more players injured but hoping to come back including two more in tonight's game -- the team is picked so thin by injuries that practice squad are moved up to main roster starting positions and new players have been signed to practice squad. So while we looked great earlier in the season, right now I'm concerned who will even be there to show up for playoff games.)  I'm actually really happy not to have much in my calendar this coming week other than social plans -- by the end of the month my calendar gets super busy (there's a primary election day in WI in Feb and so I have SVD the last week of Jan and I don't have the schedule for it yet but it means I need to be my happy patient well rested not hangry extroverted self since it is assisting those in care facilities to vote.) So introvert recharge time early in the month will be good! I actually don't have any shows in my calendar until Hamilton tickets on the 15 and Chris Thile tickets on the 17. 

Also, my animals will LOVE having cuddle time with me at home after me being gone for two weeks. They've both been so snuggly constantly with me since I got home. I pretty much always have them both following me around and/or needing to touch me to know I'm really there back home while I'm at home. 

 Also. Referring to the last post.

It's probably worth mentioning that while I was trying to words all that and feeling through it the other morning, every time i felt that feeling in me "my faith is getting too thin to keep believing in him and the bond as a reciprocal thing that can become manifest -- I'm going to fall through into where I can't breathe if I get trapped under the ice" my cat Griffin would come over with a chirpy meow, then jump up on my lap climb up to plop himself curled up on my chest like a purring weighted blanket right over my heart (he's a 15lb cat) and wouldn't stop purring or get up to leave to do anything else until I calmed down stopped doubting it like that. And he'd go from purring to suddenly ears back love bite chomp on my bare arm every time I started thinking about Martin wondering if I should be focusing my energy building there and putting ever more pressure on his teeth wrapped around my arm until I stopped thinking that way.  He never broke the skin or anything, he just made it very clear his opinions about me thinking/feeling that sort of way about looking elsewhere instead of focusing on the bond and how to manifest it into the real quotidian.  And whenever I started in on thinking there was no place for me in Eric's life as he's built it then my cat would go over to the piano start tapping on it to ask me to put his favorite music on for him and he would then start meowing until I finally stopped thinking that likely to be true.  One of the times, he even tried to drag my entire laptop bag over to the table where I set it up when I play music from my laptop and it made me laugh so hard watching this large gray cat trying to drag my backpack bigger than him around his spooky cat tree to take it across the living room -- and so I finally gave in to my cat's insistence and put the playlist of Eric's songs on and it was right after I did that I saw the insta post that reminded me it wasn't just a full moon but the full moon in Cancer which was part of my emotions feeling so much bigger/dominant that morning.  And he did all these things multiple times, but always when I was thinking/feeling/writing about those specific things. Which is very atypical. Though maybe not for me or my new cat familiar.

(Also. For the record. The idea there's no place for me in his life as he's choosing to build it actually first got into my head when he was dating the Scorpion chick and I was getting overlays of his strong emotional moments -- what happened in 2018 was the nail in the coffin made me see no way around accepting that, but my starting to face the idea start accepting it was while he was with his Scorpion chick girlfriend in NC and trying to decide whether or not to build his life with her because he loved her and so I was pulling away trying to shut down the bond find any way to put it to sleep so I stopped receiving the overlays of his strong emotional overlays. And in all fairness, I couldn't do anything on my own, I had to go to the Seelie Court in dream space at midsummer solstice revel and ask it as a boon from the Oak King who said he would put it to sleep once but if I ever chose to wake it again, he'd never be willing to put it to sleep ever again even if I asked. And it was after observing what the Oak King did to put it to sleep that I learned to quiet it and dull it and do my best starting in Oct 2018 to put the bond to sleep as I was able in the years between when I thought that was the best thing to do for him. And the only reason I stopped putting energy into that was how intensely he poured his energy into the bond to wake it up and claim it as his as much as mine made it clear that he didn't WANT our bond silted up asleep.... That was his choice and his insistence he wanted it wide open alive flowing with the full intensity of love and other emotions between our inner quiet spaces that made me realize that I wasn't being fair since it's OUR bond, not mine alone. The only way I'd cross that now I realize that it matters to his soul to have the bond flowing between us and that it's OURS not MINE would be if for any reason I started getting overlays again from him of his emotional moments with another woman that I didn't think i should be receiving from him. That's the only thing would make me consider trying to put the bond back to sleep or block it again -- and I'd feel okay with that because it could only happen based on his choices to look elsewhere and then I don't think he would have any rights to ask me to keep the bond awake and alive flowing the emotional waves between us. But that idea there's no place for me in his life IS an old idea I started accepting quite some years ago -- and if it's wrong headed, I would like to know that and start the work of digging it out from the root as a noxious pernicious weed of an untruth choking better things from growing within my head/heart spaces.)

So anyway. My cat, Griffin Owain McKittiggins, is quite definitely biased in Eric's favor and certain about what my heart actually wants me to choose even when I got full of doubting and fear and overthinking that maybe it's true there is no place for me in his life and I need to stop believing in the faith that the strong inner bond will manifest itself into the lived 3d this life.... He definitely has my cat on his side, lol. And this isn't even Spock the cat who loved piano music more than anything else, probably loved piano playing even more than he loved me which would be hard to believe with how bonded to me Spock was. Griffin's only been with me since late Oct, but he has strong opinions and biases in Eric's favor no matter what my heart/head starts reacting/overthinking. And that's noteworthy. Cats guard/protect/heal our spiritual health and homes, so it's worth my paying attention to my cat having such strong feelings that I should hold faith with the promise of the bond and the wanting to bring it into my lived life and he expresses such extreme reactions to me listening to the fears and doubts and overthinking that tell me I should believe it can't happen in this lifetime and i should let him go. Like my cat finds something spiritually insidious or sinister in the personal demons that feed that way of thinking and he has OPINIONS about feeding them instead of feeding the hope and faith and belief in the bond and that it still WILL come into 3d this lifetime. And I find that interesting because it's certainly not anything I've ever said to my cat to make him feel that way so strongly about it.

Also. Not sure if this helps provide any clarity at all.... But through all that questioning tangled mess and reactions moving me instead of choosing my own actions..... These are the missed astro poets horoscopes in their ongoing dance between Libra and Pisces. They're much less confused than I have been in the last week and a half or so.... In fact, they are VERY laser focused and clear on the theme and the promise of what IS there and what it can/will be as the future unfolds.

Astro Poets Horoscope: 

"Week of 12/14 in Libra: Forever love. An embrace. An embrace heard with words. And a light there. Over there it shines to you."

"Week of 12/14 in Pisces: Leftover in night. As a tale to tell. Do you say it? You make the words in green. You make them the words in blue and red."

"Week of 12/21 in Libra: You found a partner. And then you made a pink dream. Put the wishes in cups to drink. Go into the rooms. The green rooms are magical."

"Week of 12/21 in Pisces: Everything that was said. Is part of it. But do not swim there. Do not bathe there. Go there in candles."

"Week of 12/28 in Libra: You have felt it. And what you knew to be the one thing. Pink and green. There are candied kisses. There are dreams so felt."

"Week of 12/28 in Pisces: Friendship remains. The highest truth of it. Letting with red. A sweetest kiss. Do it again." 

"Week of 1/4 in Libra: The day in purple. The day blue with advancement. The day red with love. What is that you seek. It is forgiveness and truth." 

"Week of 1/4 in Pisces: Time extends as it should. Which is to say it shouldn’t. But nothing eternal fades. So it lets itself. So it means something."