I don't actually have much I feel the need to say right now -- I'm very much in a centered happy internal space. A bit expectant curious what's over the horizon of the present as happy surprises I can't see yet, but mostly just a centered quiet but intense joyousness seated in this present space/time not floating too far forward or behind when I'm supposed to be....  

Apropos of the last couple posts. Shauna did publicly let everyone know on her socials about her cancer diagnosis, though not as much detail as what Sabra and I discussed, and I did talk to Shauna briefly but she still didn't know what stage yet and until that she's wanting to just spend time with her parents and sister and the cats (and working while she can even though she just started since moving back in January -- because health care insurance because USA....) but that she will let me know when she's ready/wanting to extend that and see me because she does miss me more than almost anyone else she hasn't seen in a while, it's just a lot for her right now. Which is what I expected her to say, but it was nice to talk with her a little bit and that with everything else going on for her right now in her life turned upside down and her emotional upheaval(s) she still chose to use some of her limited time/energy to catch up with me a little. 

Since I was explaining a bit why/how close I am to my cousins on my da's side of the family growing up together in the family business, here's a large 8.5x11 print of a picture of us as littles (my sister, Shauna, Sasha, and me) that I keep on my desk ever since my grandma moved out of her condo (where it had been on her fridge since we were kids) and she moved to Cardinal View right after covid vaccines came out so it was safer for an 80+ year old to move into a communal eldercare home.  This picture was taken by my grandpa of us over for a visit before Sabra was born, when I was 7 or maybe only 6 -- there's actually a spot on the sleeve of my dress where the picture finish is messed up because when Sabra was a toddler she was really sad not to be in this picture with all of us. So I took a picture of her as a baby that was on the fridge and about the right size with my grandmother's permission trimmed it down to just baby Sabra then asked Sabes where on the picture she wanted her picture added to be with us and she said "right by you! Like Shauna on Sasha's lap!" We used a magnet to hold it there but the pictures got slightly stuck together like old pictures did with the shiny finish of the big picture getting ruined after sticking slightly to the back of the picture of Sabra. The two pictures got separated by one of the family members who was helping grandma pack didn't realize the pictures were intentionally grouped by us that way for the reason and I don't have the picture of Sabra that we added to the picture, but there's a spot on the sleeve of my dress where the head of Sabra's baby picture used to be tucked in like I was holding her in my arm so she could be in the picture with "all her sisters" as toddler Sabra put it

I have other pictures of us together at my grandparents condo from those years, especially us clustered together at the kid's table after/during eating/drinking -- probably because it was the easiest time to get us all holding still, lol) but I like this one because of the memory of Sabra being so sad at not being in it with us and then so happy once I helped her and we added her in like I was hugging/holding her before she was born to be there with us.

We're all grown up now, my sister is married with 3 kids and Sasha has like 5 or 6 boys in the household with her husband somewhere middle of nowhere up north  (she and her husband both had sons named Jack when they fell in love so there's Big Jack and Little Jack and then the kids they've had together who I haven't all met but are all boys (both Big Jack and Little Jack were born before my sister and brother-in-law named their firstborn Jack -- there are 3 different great grandkids could be meant or a dog everyone adored was our first shop dog when anyone on my da's side of the family refers to Jack and you really need context clues to know who is meant -- there are a LOT of repeated names within my family somehow so it's very confusing sometimes) and Sabra (not in this original picture but spiritually there with us) is married again now has 3 little kiddos in the household (her 2 from separate marriages/relationships and then her current fiance's from another relationship)  while Shauna and I are the two unmarried with no kids just fur babies and all the niblings in our life, lol. Also, for full adult life updates for that side of the family cousins, regarding Uncle Jeff's kids who were born when I was a teenager Teddy is married now has 2 sons while Maddy is unmarried in grad school right now and then Aunt Lin's girls (paternal twins) are currently still in high school so definitely not married and no kids for either Kayla or Cassi. 

But anyway, this is the picture I wanted to share of the oldest four of all us cousins back when we were kids, cousins who grew up close like sisters due to the family owned business meaning we saw each other at last once a week for the owner meetings at my grandparents as well as holidays and sleepovers and just whenever the adults helped us make plans so we were able to play together.

 In other family health related news: 

Jomi (my uncle in Germany who has been battling now terminal cancer since last year and that stopped responding to antibody mediated therapies around Christmas time -- and yes I knew the last time I saw him that I wouldn't get to see him again alive just because of distance and my aunt/uncle/cousins who live in Germany are the ones I see the least frequently because of the physical distance having them out of country.) Anyway, Uncle Jomi is still in hospital but they're hoping for him to go home with hospice care soon. He has a 3 month to 1 year prognosis for how much time remains to him at this point. But Aunt Judi and the boys don't really want company through this, they want to maximize their remaining time as core family. 

Cathy C (my mom's step sister) is still responding well to her monthly antibody-chemo therapy (she also has brca1 gene mutation like down Aunt Sondra's side of the family which is where Shauna inherited it from although the two of them are completely unrelated to each other; she's considered a survivor and the antibody bonded chemo is easier on the body because it ONLY binds to the cancer cells not healthy cells -- but she will be on monthly personalize antibody bound chemo until her cancer returns from permanent remission stops responding to the antibody mediated therapy. But this IS the best case scenarios for breast cancer survivors, it's why Shauna having triple negative breast cancer is so devastating, because not only does it grow FAST and come back unexpectedly but you can't use estrogen, progesterone or HER2 receptors to create easily mediated chemo as an option even if  the tumor removal and whole body heavy chemo blast worked and individualized antibody mediated chemo be effective.)  I actually got to see Cathy C last week after my dentist appointment when she topped into the store randomly to pickup her laptop that she brought in to my da to work on and we agreed to try to restart monthly family games (Cathy C, her son Jake (I consider him a cousin even though not related since they're Roger's kids form another marriage and my mum and her sister's are grandma Darlene's kids from another marriage, before Roger and Darlene met each other got married) and his wife Sue, my parents, and me) but I was honest that my schedule for weekend availability is pretty busy through most of March due to Spring Irish season (St. Patrick's Day) not that Cathy C is definitely stable and could be for many years. Which is the best  possible place she could be after her diagnosis several years back. 

And Spock is still mostly healthy but he is having occasional nausea as his CKD progresses that causes him decreased appetite and can cause him to throw up if his body can't handle whatever he eats. He's having a hard time with scrambled eggs when I tried to switch him to that earlier this week (due to bird flu week) for when I make eggs, he's only NOT throwing up egg if I give him only runny egg yolk from over easy fried eggs which is his favorite only thing he likes to eat when I make eggs but with bird flu (which has an 80% mortality rate for felines who catch it) isn't great that the yolk not be fully cooked.... but him eating without throwing up is more important because he's nearly 16 years old and has feline ckd so his remaining time is finite no matter what so he may as well enjoy the time he has. Spock has also been sneezing a lot recently which I don't love -- one of the neighbors down the hall who doesn't ever wear masks even when sick has had covid cough and Spock always gets sneezy whenever there's covid cough in the building (I can hear them in the hall because my unit is right by the stairs so the other three units upstairs all walk past my door coming and going.)  BUT the concern with Spock's sneezing (which is likely his covid sneeze) is that one of the symptoms for worsening ckd in cats is that their lungs can become full of fluid so you have to watch out for the possibility of them getting pneumonia more easily which is as potentially deadly or expensive in elderly cats as in elderly humans. H doesn't SOUND or ACT like he's got pneumonia, it's just all coughing/sneezing/wheezing is something to pay attention to as a symptom of potential pneumonia developing as the ckd worsens.

So anyway, I don't have new news about Shauna's diagnosis even after talking to her briefly since the last two posts and that's the most recent update on the other three family members I love who are under "this gives a limit to your finite lifespan" diagnosis of diseases they are known to have. All mortal bodies are finite, but it is sad when you will not get to share space/time create new memories with THIS embodied version of that soul spark you love -- because even when you meet again in future lives, they'll be a new them and you'll be a new you and so even though you have old past life connections, you still have to come to know them in their new form new character of incarnation just as they have to get to know the new you as well as still remembering and loving who you have both been before and who you have been to each other in your past selves. So even believing in multiple incarnations and that your soul paths will cross again (especially if they have before) if that's what you both want and choose, there's still sorrow that you can never again spend more time create new memories with THIS incarnation of them and there will still be lack/void where they were until they are reborn and you get to have the joy of finding each other again in new bodies. It's not that there ISN'T grief/mourning over deaths of loved ones feeling their absence where there once was presence when you believe/remember reincarnations, it's just expressed differently than when you believe there is only THIS life in THIS body as your only opportunity to be with those you love.  So knowing that these 3 (now 4) beings I love within my family have a much clearer conscious knowledge about what will (most likely) be the death of them this life and how much time remains to them is sad but not much of a hurt surprise for me when I learn it. As someone with precogs and death sight, I have never been surprised by the "this is the last time I will see you in person in this body" or "this is the last time we will do this together with you in this body" at a deeply intuitive knowing way. I can't tell you that it's better or worse to know ahead, just that it's different and for me in this life, I always know, for everyone I have ever loved or ever cared about. I also know about divorces and sometimes the coming of new important people entering my life (especially if both our souls have been seeking each other) and band breakups early because I precog and see the last time I will get to see them all together and as they get closer to the way they look in that precog the nearer I know we're getting to it....)

So you don't need to think I'm any extra sad or assume I'm wallowing in the grief of my cousin's diagnosis (or any of the others) not rejoicing in the joys that are still being embodied and lived and gifts within my life this lifetime. All of every life is always the balance of what IS within your life and what ISN'T in your life in the present -- and when you live in a very different relationship to the  flow of time and knowing/remembering than most people who can only live one directional linear future moving present moments, you learn as a very young embodied being not to dwell in what was lost and what will be lost in the future just because you know about them, but to always focus on the joy to be found in what IS in your present and the promise of the good things still to come to you in the fullness of divine timing in this life.   You can be pensive contemplative acknowledging your missing/sorrows/absences over the upcoming or past losses of those you love far from you in either space or time, but never allow yourself to wallow in it to the point it robs you of the joy in what you have NOW.  Knowing ahead and remembering past selves isn't necessarily better or worse than most people without such gifts, it's just different. 

Also. similar to me not knowing until I was in my 20s that color-timbre synesthesia ISN'T normal for most people experiencing music, I didn't know until like middle school that not everyone gets precogs or remembers past lives or can read other people's on them or medium seeing/speaking/feeling the uncrossed over spirits because both sides of my family have lots of gifts and I grew up with all of us just being honest about it talking about it as normal. I just assumed witchy wyrd spiritual gifts was normal for everyone during most of my childhood (though not everyone had them all within my family or manifested the same or had them as powerfully as I did even as a kid) until I was like 12 or 13 and I suddenly realized that some people were just ACTIVELY blind to all these things and had no gifts and no idea would think me weird if I talked about the things I experienced. Luckily, very few people in my life have absolutely NO spiritual gifts even if they were all dormant when they met me because I tend to serve as a catalyst wake up dormant gifts (and past life memories) in everyone who interacts with me and the more you interact with me, the more of your dormant gifts will wake up and the stronger they will get and the more insights you will grow into through your gifts. Even if I don't bring it up, I don't do anything overt or try to teach you, just being around me tends to wake up the spiritual gifts and energy work in people. (Also, if people reject me or move on from having me in their lives, this can also manifest as rejecting your gifts and they can go back dormant if people don't want them or don't use them or if they ACTIVELY blocked rejected me the Goddess sees it as rejecting her and so any gifts that tie to her she will block in people who do wrong by me and she won't let them have those reawoken until they do right by me and make up for the wrongs they did. I have no control over that either, I've actively argued with the Goddess that it's wrong of Her to do that not something I asked of Her and She just tells me that as far as She is concerned any rejection of one of her avatars within the incarnations that serves as high Priestess across lives IS a rejection of The Goddess and it's for the Goddess to punish that as She chooses since it's Her they reject and wrong when they wrong me. I can't win that argument asking her for mercy forgiving those who wrong me because I don't want harm for them, I've tried and it doesn't work. In my experience, even though I can't change the mind of the Goddess intercede for you, if you want any chance of reawakening getting your gifts back, make right with me the wrongs you did me and mean it apologize/atone for it with me and THEN supplicate the Goddess from a place of humility -- if you skip the step of acknowledging and making right the wrongs you did me, the Goddess will always just ignore your supplications no matter how genuine they are.)

 Anyway. That's about all I've got for now. Maybe I'll have more later this week. On verra. Tomorrow evening is Great Dane Bock Beer School and then afterward I'll probably watch the replay of Eric's Too Late Concert Special he chose to share for his birthday.   And then a couple days with nothing in the calendar just catching up on work until Fri night seeing Peking Acrobats with my maman and then Saturday seeing the stage show of Fraggle Rock with both my parents and checking in on Henry while Crissy is out of town. And then NEXT week, I have no have tos in the calendar other than nebulous plans to have Crissy and Denis stop by my work for cocktails to celebrate Mardi Gras and making sure I get hours in at work! A whole week of unclaimed open time to start off my March! Which is unusual for me, but I'm excited for the potentials of such a wealth of unclaimed time next week!

O! Also! Astro Poet horoscopes for this week are so beautiful!! I mean, all of them were, but the ones I've been sharing just sort of make me go all soft inside feel, "awwww! That's so incredibly beautiful though!"

"Week of 2/23 in Libra: Certain love has certainty. It can recall across what was met before. You know the romance of gesture. You know exactly what is part of your found beginning. It’s all eternal now."

"Week of 2/23 in Pisces: A yellow butterfly. It’s a spark of heaven. Be one with what it says. It says everything. Know that so you can know it all with purple and gold." 

It just makes me feel all soft inside when I read them. They're probably my favorite pair of dialoguing horoscopes between Libra and Pisces that have been going on for like, the last year now. (I have no idea how long the two will dialogue like this or WHY they have been when they never did before. I'm not even entirely certain when it started -- I noticed it have been keeping them in my inbox since the start of January 2024 but it could have been ongoing before then across some of 23 but was so subtle or I wasn't looking for it at that time to notice it. (And I can't go back to check since the emails are long since deleted. I could probably find the shorter form of them on Astro Poets twitter though if they didn't take those offline after the muskrat took over destroyed it. But also, is it worth the effort scrolling back THAT far through all of Astro poets tweets ever? Probably not something I'm curious enough about to bother doing to try to pinpoint when the dialogue and dance started between the two.) But I know the dance and dialogue between Libra and Pisces in the weekly Astro Poets has been going on since the very start of 2024 because 1/7/24 is when I stopped deleting them from my inbox and held onto them to have them to look back through to try to understand the pattern between the two that Astro Poets is intuiting and expressing. The pair of horoscopes that caught my attention that something new I didn't consciously understand but felt/feels RIGHT and beautiful was happening between Libra/Pisces dialoguing and dancing a pattern between them somehow from that first one I kept back on 1/7/24 was:

"Week of 1/7 in Libra: You are loved. You are surrounded by love and oranges. So many people know you. You will be known further. You will be loved forever."

 "Week of 1/7 in Pisces: You knew what to say. But also you didn’t. Hold the strength to be what can be said. You can send off the green. You can be there in green and sunshine."

 I don't quite understand consciously what changed, where the promise and the healing and beauty and the dialoguing between them began or why or what shifted. But all my life those have been the two horoscopes I ALWAYS read if I look at horoscopes (even before my Aunt Linda who is very deeply steeped in astrological knowledge can read far more in a chart than I can, told me it's because Pisces is my rising sign is why I have always been drawn to it identified with it even though it's nowhere near Libra in the wheel or energetically; and most of the people I've been closest to immediate deep connection in my life have been Pisces, including my two Pisces cousins) so I do feel like if there had been obvious dialoguing/dancing between them from Astro Poets before 2024 started the shift, I would have noticed. Because even if I wasn't looking for it or trying to deny it or whatever, I was still always reading Pisces as well as Libra horoscopes, because I always have for so long that it's second nature to me to check Libra first then check Pisces horoscopes/memes before I check for anyone in my life.

But anyway. The pair for THIS week is probably the most beautiful makes my heart feel all soft and may be my favorite of them all so far for the entire last over a year of tracking these dialogues/dance between Libra and Pisces of the Astro Poets channeled intuition for the signs!