I'm still alive and I made it safely home on Monday (delayed several hours in Detroit due to mechanical issue with the plane so had to wait for another plane to get in we could use) it's just, I've been sick with some form of death plague since Fri and staying up for 36 hours straight with traveling solo and being stuck on planes with like a very sick kid in my row on the small hopper flight definitely made me worse -- hopefully not multiple viral infections at once worse, mais on verra.  

Mostly cough and phlegm and just exhaustion like anemia from the phlegm making me get less oxygen than I'm accustomed to when breathing through my nose, but also mostly just a LOT of phlegm production with this virus or viruses... I'm not used to having any sort of congestion or phlegm production at all ever, my allergies are all ones that make me throw up after eating certain foods or migraines from synthetic perfumes/chemicals or I get itchy throat/Eustachian tubes or throat constricting from certain things like some strains of hops and occasionally coconut but never histamine allergies that make me excessively snotty. And then other than encountering an occasional stomach bug, me getting even a short 24hr cold is like a once in 5-7 year misery event with me and anything worse like the flu is a once in 12-15 year event for me.... I've never even tested positive for COVID or bad symptoms after exposure which is why I treat myself as an asymptomatic carrier of it and wear masks try to be cautious for others not for my own sake. So even if this were a mild bug I would just feel all sorts of extra ick and miserable with it. But I'm pretty sure this is the nasty RSV variant that's been going around, there were some cases of it at Ellie's preschool Christmas week and it was that Friday I woke up and my nose had become a faucet I couldn't turn off and both Mo and Ellie were showing symptoms on Sat akin to mine while my sister had much milder symptoms like mine. Also, though, Jack had a long lingering cough and sore throat when I first arrived and all through my visit so it could be that.... I have been testing for COVID throughout just in case I picked that up somehow but that's always been testing negative despite how miserably phlegmatic this sicky blechness has made me. The phlegm production and coughing is pretty awful with whatever bug this is but honestly the worst for me is the viral conjunctivitis which is something I've never experienced before in my entire life (I've heard of it before and it's normally adenoviruses that cause it but this year it's also part of this year's RSV outbreak, a common symptom every line of COVID descended from Arcturus, and a symptom with current bird flu viral strains -- so while it would normally help narrow things down, this season it doesn't help at all) and the viral conjunctivitis is miserable... Absolutely miserable especially when waking up with eyes crusted together, watering like crazy.... all the redness in my eyes from being so irritated and goopy made my eyes an insanely bright aquamarine color for several days -- which would have been really cool and pretty if I weren't feeling so ick and my eyes weren't so itchy weepy with intermittent discharge to wipe up with warm compresses.... knock on wood, today the eye ickiness is finally improving when I woke up from today's long sleep because Monday after my post flight nap before going into work and then my 12+ hour sleep on Tues until the afternoon/evening when I woke up to go get the last end of month deposit done so end of year closing books could happen, the added viral conjunctivitis made it feel like I had so much phlegm up into my sinuses it was coming out my eyeballs. It was so gross..... So fucking gross..... today I just had normal amounts of post sleep eye grit so I'm hopefully that aspect of fighting this virus is improving now that I've been able to get some sleep since getting back home. (The animals refuse to leave me or let me out of their sight since I got back, the cat is rather miffed whenever I head in to work, lol.) I actually get better when it comes to the coughing and phlegm production when I'm vertical not horizontal for sleeping, but also my body is the type that just shuts down for repairs turns into Sleeping Beauty mode whenever it needs to heal anything so even drinking coffee is a "will this make me feel better or knock me out fall asleep because adhd?" mystery to me.  Mostly I've just feeling so much sicky icky, and it doesn't help any that my period is currently at the new moon/moon moving into Capricorn so I had my period while phlegmy sick coughing whenever I stopped using cough drops with viral conjunctivitis intermittent eye ickiness and air traveling solo so couldn't sleep to heal.... I've just felt like a big ball of physical ick these last several days and everyone who missed me is so happy to have me back see me again after I was gone for three weeks and I'm just like, "hey. I promise I'm more excited to see you than I seem, my energy is just real low for me until I heal. Also I don't want to get other people sick so maybe less hugging me in your happiness to see me." Hopefully whatever it is can't jump species because the dog and cat are both in velcro constant snuggle mode since I got home.... 

My executive function is even less functional than my normal level of "I'm a Libra sun Pisces rising with ADHD sooo decisions aren't my forte unless I'm completely certain what I want right this moment" and my appetite has been fairly low since Sunday night, so I've basically been living on hot beverages and cough drops and sugar consumption to get me through. (Did have Thai food on New Year's Eve because my bff decided that I was too exhausted to make plans so she invited herself over and picked up a bottle of French blanc de blancs for midnight, came into my work for some happy hour cocktails and orange prosecco with my mum and Sarah and Karissa, decided we should have Thai food then ordered it for my parents and her and me, then we went and hung out with my animals and caught up chatted while I unpacked until we had midnight champagne. I still have like two meals worth of leftover 7 star spicy veggie panang curry to eat. Or less than one meal if my normal post being sick bottomless pit of hunger hollow days strike.) 

Anyway, I'll get better -- I just haven't felt this miserably sick since I had the death plague right after college that we're pretty sure was MERS based on timing and symptoms and me acquaintance level knowing someone downtown who had it. And the good news is this means that if past is prologue, it should be a while before I get sick with even a minor cold again, right? 

I should see if Waffles O'Whoofigans needs to go outside though... She hasn't been out since just after midnight when she insisted on needing to pee right after midnight and helped me keep the tradition for opening and closing the door at midnight to let the old year out and the new one in. (I also broke a dish just before midnight, my watering pitcher I've had for years, which is an old superstition for warding off evil spirits/intentions and to bring good luck in the new year. Curiously, realized last night that I've actually always accidentally broken a dish or glass every year on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day as far back as I can remember in this body and I just thought I got inexplicably clumsy right around then or that it's normal for things to fall over with nobody near them or touching them around New Year's... But I know I had put that pitcher flat on the plant stand and right after I turned my back it fell over with a thunk and smashed up into four pieces.... I also accidentally carried around an empty suitcase around midnight (which is supposed to bring in more travel opportunities in the new year) as I was unpacking but Crissy was reading up on New Year's superstitions right then after I'd broken the ceramic pitcher because we realized I broke a dish of some sort every year at New Year's and wondered what it meant so she laughed when she saw me walk in with an empty suitcase just as she had read that superstition.  And I spilled some champagne for good luck on a picture of my cousins and my Uncle Jomi who is currently battling very serious cancer -- most of the champagne was directly on Dylan but it also splashed onto half of Jomi... Felt like someone came up tapped the bottle from underneath when it happened -- hopefully it isn't an omen of pouring out for loved ones lost....)

Anyway. I'm improved from where I was, just sicker than I remember being in a long time. But given a flu is a once in 12-15 years and even a cold is a once in 5-7 year event for me, I think I just forget between times how miserable any sort of sick is and this is just the rsv they warned about being bad this year. Also. It's 11:30 now and I should go take the dog out before it gets tooo late. Also before I keep drinking more black coffee that could send me to sleep (I decided to pause catching up on my tea advent calendars I got behind on while I was in WA since I'm too phlegmy to give fair assessment of flavors -- green tea chais/spiced blends I had yesterday both tasted very floral and not much spiced as they smelled to me lol.)

P. S. I still need to post the Oct/Nov/Dec booklist but I don't have all the books I acquired end of Dec in it. So it will be a little late. Maybe still tonight but also maybe not until tomorrow.... On verra. 

P. P. S. In addition to waking up still sick, which is not my favorite, all afternoon and night tonight there has been such a rushing in pouring of love down the bond which IS one of my favorite things. Even if/when I push it away try to deny it, for whatever reasoning I'm using to justify that reaction, still the very first thing it does to me is make me feel held in love bring joy to my heart and soul.  He's so clear and bright and certain today, just reaching out beaming such intense love down the bond. Not sure why, just know is. It has definitely helped me feel less ick even if I am still coughing and a bit phlegmy today but less than I was the last several days. I'm definitely not in a head or heart space or have enough energy to fight him or myself make me push him away saying it's for his own good if there's no way forward for me to be in his life. It's just not in me right now to fight. I'm definitely in much more the mood to curl up into that love pouring in and snuggle into it with gratitude and say, "thank you, I need this right now. I don't know how you knew, but I very much needed this."

P. P. P. S. More drama with the neighbors downstairs since last updated about it, though this one was kind of funny because they tried to blame me for it while I wasn't home and I was too blunt from starting to get sick to pull my punches about that truth and suddenly it went from threatening "you have to get a plumber in asap or we will be forced claim this through our insurance against you" to "actually this looks like it's our washer" after I told them I hadn't even been home since 5am on Dec 10 and until that day when a single blanket was washed by the 19 year old cat sitting, nobody had used washer or dryer in my unit since Nov so any water into their closet in the last couple weeks could only have come from my washer/dryer due to back flow up the stack. The quick turnaround from them once I put it that way was super amusing to me tbh. But it did increase my concern that they would be looking to shift blame for anything onto me and trying to correlate me using any water in my unit to things happening in their unit and I can't ALWAYS be away from home or never shower or run water or use my toilet...... I just don't have the energy for dealing with the it right now and am worrying that they're going to keep fucking up the pipes and looking for anyone to blame but themselves and right now I'm their new target for blame rather than admitting they have a cat and she's a neat freak who does laundry daily and cleans all her vacuums and mops and filters in the sink and they regularly cook bacon (makes me physically I'll every time they do when the smell gets in my unit upstairs) but probably don't use a grease can.... I'm not sure how this behavior patterns they're establishing over the last few months can be addressed long-term short of me selling my condo and moving or them selling their condo moving.... And I'm VERY concerned about the damage they've done further down the pipes that will need replacing or fixing of some sort.... So getting things in order to sell my condo and move may be smartest thing for me to do. Only, I don't know where I would choose to live if I sold my condo and the housing/rental market is pretty shit right now making it a decent time to sell my place but not a good time to buy or rent somewhere else -- and with all my books, moving me is not an easy job or one to be undertaken lightly... (I still dream of some day living in a house with enough space for me to have a proper personal library with real wooden bookshelves for all my books and not having to stack all my bookshelves double or triple stacked deep like I do now...) I don't need to decide tonight. But this whole everything with the downstairs neighbors is mentally weighing on me a lot right now.