I'm not saying that I am going to give up on connection and reunion with Eric this lifetime. I'm not currently/yet in that headspace, I'm just once again closer to it than I have been recently.. And I'm still doing the inner shadow work to be kinder to me and not push away good things (including the connection and love of the bond) because I'm upset with myself for not living up to my own arbitrary expectations of myself and then my inner voice is being cruel to myself.
However.
The situation created by Brittany and Liz remains unfair, and unkind, and girl bullying via ostracism. And it has created a toxic dynamic where every time Eric shares something from the band account or one of the girls he is ACTIVELY taking part in an act of bullying via ostracism EVEN THOUGH he did not create the system that made his action an act of bullying via ostracism. And it's not RIGHT for him to become the focus of my bitterness at the injustice of the girls actions/choices of these last six years anymore than it is right for me to have any desire to be part of anything involving him that crosses the boundaries the girls created by their actions.
And that generally leads to me deciding to let him go and unfollow and give up Eric and not allowing him reach me via the bond because third parties have made it something painful/cruel when it shouldn't be. Because I would rather let him go than have him caught in the middle of him being made a bully for doing the natural things he should to share what has him excited full of pride. I don't want to be in scenarios with him caught in the middle in that way. Or making me act in unethical ways due to the injustice of the girls choices/actions and continuing defensiveness surrounding their past choices/actions that makes me uninvited and unwelcome and on the receiving end of "you can't sit with us" mean girls energy from Brittany and Liz and the band as a collective....
That decision and sets of actions to let him go may look the same on the outside and the consequences/effects on him may seem the same because it's me cutting ties to him as much as I can, but the motivation and the why behind it is completely different.
Me doing it out of stoicism and cruelty to myself is unequivocally wrong and I'm working on that.
Me doing it because it's the most ethical choice I believe I have given the toxic situation the girls created and we're all now stuck within is NOT unequivocally wrong. Because consciously and willingly staying stuck in toxic modes of interaction with a bully IS unequivocally wrong and evil, it's the path that leads people to staying in abusive/controlling relationship dynamics. And both Eric and I deserve better than letting others force us down that path. At least, I know I do and I believe he does as well. And sometimes, sometimes even when it's really fucking hard, you have to accept there are people and things you are forced to leave behind in order to escape the toxic bullying dynamics so it doesn't control you.
And the ONLY thing that happened in my regard by him sharing something from Britt or Liz or the band account that showed up to me as "This content is unavailable to you" (then staying lit up around his profile image in my stories for 24 hours while only that message whenever I clicked on it) was that he reminded me of the toxic dynamic the girls created and still foster allow to exist that remains unresolved. I genuinely do not desire any relationship with either of the girls or even the band at this point -- some people look good until they show you the real bully in them as soon as they feel they have any sort of power and that is how the girls have both showed themselves to be in these interactions and defensive refusal to even acknowledge or reply to attempts to communicate and heal it. If that idea of them is wrong, then they should show me that's not who they are wanting to be because it is who they have been choosing to be for six years now..
There is nothing the girls offer that I desire in my life or even see as a positive at this point based on the choices they have made regarding me for going on six years -- and that's for them to heal if they ever want anything built on admiration of the good in them or even feeling anything positive toward them from me. But I do recognize that the two of them and the band are core central to his life as he has chosen and built it this lifetime even while they do not desire to exist to me by the act of ostracizing me not making me welcomed into his life. And I'm not going to try to force him or me to do anything we don't choose no matter how toxic third parties have constructed the options we are limited to choosing between. If he wants to spend his life with them and create things with them, he's absolutely free to do so and right to make that choice and to share about it be excited about it -- but he also needs to understand that THEY have ostracized ME told me I'm not welcome, invited, or allowed to have any part of that without transgressing their boundaries they created. So it means EVERYTHING he creates or does that involves either Brittany or Liz in it are things that I am ALREADY told I am not welcome or invited to be a part of by the others who are there. That's not about him and it has nothing to do with the content itself or how much I ought to love it -- it's about the girls choices and actions and bullying via ostracism and their boundaries they created and maintain.
And I don't have any ways to heal the toxicity of these truths all co-existing if nobody but me cares or wants to communicate or do anything about it. My answer is to say to him, "I hope you find the happiness you seek on the path you've chosen, the path I'm not welcome or wanted on by those you are building it with. I could never wish you ill but I can not be part of this path because it's been made clear to me via ostracism I'm not welcome by them when they are any part of it. So farewell. I love you but don't reach for me again until you can do so without forcing me into toxic relationship dynamics. "
So even though the effects seem the same devastating denial from his perspective, the causes are very VERY different if it's something in myself I can shadow work on or something from a third person dynamic infusing toxicity into the connection where there's no reason for it to be other than they decided to create and maintain the barriers that make the toxic patterns.
And after nearly six years, I'm just tired of the same circles, the same toxic patterns, the same old shit because of choices that Brittany and Liz made for themselves and in the name of everyone in the band and how it affects any possibility of connection between Eric and me. I'm tired of him being their messenger of injustice and bitterness and sowing pain between him and me. I'm just really tired of my emotions being held hostage in this recurring toxic pattern and mind games the girls created and have continued to maintain of making me unwelcome in all the circles and spaces where he exists and builds his life. It's bullshit and I'm so tired of the recurring toxicity of it all.... There are better investments for my heart and my energy if that's what is going to be offered by trying to build/maintain a connection to Eric, y'know?
Gah! I'm not solving this here now tonight... I'm gonna go watch tonight's John Oliver episode to distract myself get a bit more done at work before I head home. I've missed him while he was on break -- Last Week Tonight with John Oliver is my favorite modern "laugh so you don't cry because you cannot close your eyes to the world burning" and at least he does make me laugh. he also reminds me that I'm not alone, not the only one seeing what I'm seeing and trying to find the humor so the reality doesn't break my sanity. Every week. Or at least, every week he has an episode.
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