So. Tonight. In Chi. At the Rhiannon Giddens show with Charly Lowry opening. It's in the same damn theatre as Frank Turner played during his acoustic tour for No Man's Land (story songs about pioneering badass women throughout history.) So I've been there and the ghosts and I are old friends and they rushed on over to greet me right away and then the house lights kept going off as I was seated excited impatient and it made me giggle especially as where o was I could see the lighting techs bafflement over it happening. 

But that wasn't the point. Get to the row with the seats my birthday twin best friend bought for us when the tickets went onsale and the two people I have to walk past while Crissy goes to the loo have masks on so I make the decision to 1) put the mask in my purse on because I don't need their reasons, just basic human decency and 2) seat myself next to them closer to the aisle to make Crissy climb over me fully expecting she wouldn't have her mask on or think of it in the dark. But now. Here's the part that is why I broke my silence to write here again once more.... the girl I sat down next to, what Crissy noticed about her is that she didn't know what to do with the too cold too hot of the ghost presences coming to say hi and playing with my hair and swirling about my own strong emoting -- girl just didn't know what to do with me. But what Crissy didn't notice, and first thing I noticed walking past the girl was, she was wearing the Morning Comes tee from Delta Rae. And the girl noticed, looked at me wide eyed above her mask squeaked out, "You. You're dressed like my shirt. Like the embodiment of the song." I reassured her, "Under the leather coat I have on a Packers tee, and they took a hard loss today. But yeah, the rest of me is all yellowy sun shining against the blacks and white and grey -- and the sunflowers with skulls shoes." 

But, I. It hit me hard. Because. It's the first unexpected reminder for me in a long time. I mean, I saw the band had a post on FB not too terribly long ago but when I saw it was a pic of Britt, I didn't look beyond that and the reminding to myself, "She wishes not to exist to you, by her actions she has made that choice clear in her own name and the band's name. You keep scrolling past this don't even read it now girleen. You don't have to like other people's free will choices and imposed boundaries, but you will damn well respect them." So I didn't see what the post was about, just the name and some words I never clicked on read more and her picture which seemed as I scrolled past to be joyous...

But last night, the fact my neighbor seated next to me was wearing the Morning Comes tee, it was the first unexpected outside anything reminder since the post about George Winston's death cracked through to reach my heart. And. I didn't know what to think or feel about the Universe reminding me in this way. And, it disconcerted me more than it ought because.... the veil is thinning, and the crows are quieter as are their deities -- and these recent weeks there have been times and moments in recent weeks where it's like I can feel the bear trying to reach for me, reach me to reach for him and break the ice formed/forming between us. Not in sleep, my sleep has been so fucked nonexistent and full of vivid vision dreams and precise since the Pisces full moon -- and in all my vision dreams, there is always protective deities or archangels or fée beside me watching over me. I haven't wandered vision dream space without guardians accompanying me in weeks now. And then the Goddess decided that if I won't train into muscle memory my fencing skills in my waking hours, she would  hold me to the drills and practice shirked in my vision dream space. And I have been waking up so sore in places I haven't been sore since I was competitive sabre fencing and just for fun historic fencing (especially rapier and dagger techniques) in college.  I think I have figured out her point in making me spar and practice parries/feints but no attacks against a giant antlered deer. But her reason for making me train in my sleep is just that it's to make up for what I have shirked in waking hours and I will be grateful for her doing this when I need it drilled into me. 

But so. It's not been while sleeping that I can feel the bear trying to figure out a path to rapprochement. It's just, this last week or so, randomly, I feel him reach me and touch me and the love in the bond flowing full force between us. And I've been doing my best that when it happens to think on someone else, someone I've got my eye on and a bit of a flirtation with to try to move me onward from wishing I had one who didn't choose me and instead made choices/attachments that are active sources of potential harm to his connections like the bond between him and me. And, I can feel that my Morrigan advised ban on anyone/anything with the lamprey's energy reaching me still stands.... but still sometimes I feel him reaching toward me and connecting without her attachment woven through him, so he can reach me. And it just fills me with that image from my vision dream, of the bear raising his paw against the ice of him having to accept me walking away from his choices and the glacial ice formed between us blocking him from reaching where I was and that act of him giving up fighting trying to claw through the ice but just raising his paw against in sorrow to reach me so I put my palm on my side lined up to the bears and the power between our palms shattered the ice so he could get through to me.... that's the image I get inside me right now every time I feel his reaching for me down the bond and the reconnection moments before it goes back to the separation.... and I don't see know why, I just know is. And it's why seeing the shirt right next to me, it disconcerted me so much, that once more the universe is reminding me pushing me not to forget or give up on my polar bear and that soul bond that sings between us....

I can't explain it, I only know is..and is, that tells me that he's trying to claw his way back figure out how to reach me again. Even if that makes no sense at all to any definitive real world anything...

And I can't explain it, I don't know why, I just.....feel it as an is. And one growing stronger every time he reaches me, despite me trying to deflect and think on someone else I really only got interest in this August crossing paths at multiple Irishfests and have been thinking I could date now there's no place for me in Eric's life or choices. 

*yawns* sun is past up and I scribbled down all the words I had been holding in my head for a new novel idea that came to me from a back and forth in one of the songs tonight (last night?) off Rhiannon's newest album, the song written for the death of Khalif.  (The novel is yet another dystopia concept.) This was the first set of questions that were my reaction to the lyrics tonight -- all my real writing begins from a philosophical question I then answer bye getting up plots and character to see the cause and effects to answer what happens if the question is ignored not explored. My novels I never finish once I know the answers (unless I have a reader hooked needs the next installment) or have ever even tried to publish  even though what I'm supposed to be doing with this life is publishing the novels that make people's subconscious ask the questions because I swore when I was 8 that all great truths must be left to posterity only in fiction -- because after you die, nobody can be trusted with spiritual Truths given as True speak teachings that they won't twist and distort them to their own purpose and far from anything you ever intended.... so only in fictions will I ever bequeath my great truths, at least in this life, else I will let them disappear back into the sands of time til another discover them again.... 

But anyway. All my real writing, it starts with my questioning something. The seed of everything with me is always in the questions you ask and the story is the honesty of seeing where you must go to learn the answer to those questions. At least for me.  Questions like this first page of my scribbled notes to myself: 

Anyway. I can sleep now with no fear of losing the ideas/words into who knows where in the archives of my eidetic but ADHD associative recall photographic memory.

O!!!! Also!! Before I forget!! Since the polar bear started reaching for me again down the bond.and somehow actually reaching me, my head and inner space is full of melodies that I can't recognize or place.... not the words to them, just melodic lines and earworms I find myself singing apropos of nothing. And they are happy hopeful refusal to give up triumphal melodies. Sometimes playful lilting, but always full of hope and promises yet to be fulfilled but not forgotten... and they've been with me pretty well always this last week, there is no inner silence, just inner quiet to hear the song(s) resonate more clearly.