O. I was just now years old when I re-read that email after seeing the date when the gap in the songwriting began and realized that I made an assumption about what relationship was slipping through his fingers that made it so he stopped writing/sharing songs, the assumption he meant the dating relationship he was in. But that's not exactly what he said in that email there, now was it? I just assumed it was on first read through. Because that's the obvious assumption for what he'd be writing songs about, non? But, that's not what he said, it's just what I assumed and extrapolated based on most likely real world pragmatism type reading between the lines. But it's not what the email actually said...and, at the time he stopped writing songs for his project, that's also right about when I took the advice of the Morrigan and set up the energetic shield that nobody with the lamprey's energy twined around/through them could reach me. It was the same timing that he lost access to the bond and I was making myself accept his choices and let him go to pursue them and turning away from the connection to go walk my own path seek a future elsewhere with someone else. 

I guess that I didn't notice the timing lined up like that because I was trying not to let me think on him, to close that chapter inside me and shelf it for this life path. And I guess if I did think about it at all, I  just assumed that whatever had stopped him putting up songs was unrelated to me doing what I did because I guess I just didn't think the bond meant much to him at that point in his life and the path he was choosing to walk so what would he care if he lost access to it and me? If the bond to me ever mattered to him, why would he always be choosing not me and be so certain that he'd fallen in love with his soul mate when he met the karmic lamprey he started dating and wound through his life/energy?  I never through all these months really thought he might be feeling that absence, I knew I was but I was in the hollows of grief after Audrey's death and what's giving up something you cherished having one more absence there where you're already forced into the heart space of learning to live with what you've lost and can't have back? (Or at least, not have back in the same way -- I guess I did promise Audrey that if we could get to a fateline where I have kids, she could be reborn as my son and be with me once more....) I just assumed he was happy and traveling with his lamprey and enjoying all the access to that world she's a part of and I wasn't even something he ever thought on or missed. What evidence would I have had to counter that assumption? It was only somewhere during Irishfest season right during the last day or so of Milwaukee Irishfest, which was in August after I'd set all these posts to private for a while, that I started to feel him trying to tug reach for me down the bond and I got confused by how that was happening. I didn't question my assumptions about his choices, I just stuck in them and thought that some way had been found around my energetic shielding so he was trying to reach me while still entangled with the lamprey's energy. Which is why in assuming that I pushed him away when he started reaching for me down the bond and instead I focused on Keith and other options open to me and even asked the Morrigan if something had gone wrong and I needed to be concerned about the strength of my energetic shields.... Because I never even considered that he could have missed me and the bond between us or that he would be reaching down it out of a genuine desire to reconnect because he had cut the cords to the lamprey and was trying to reach once more what he lost when I blocked out anyone/anything with the lamprey's energy attached to them. I assumed he had just stopped the songwriting process because he was lost in his infatuation with her and the lifestyle and types of people she brought to the table and was off traveling with her to who knows where. That was what I have assumed across all these months. Right or wrong assumption, it was the assumption I was believing and was guiding my choices and reactions.

I never even considered the possibility he wasn't with her anymore and that was part of how/why he was reaching down the bond trying to reconnect reach me again. That possibility never even entered my mind til tonight. And that's why I assumed in first reading it that the relationship slipping through his hand that he mentioned in the email was the one with her. because Occam's Razor. And because reading that email from him was the first time it crossed my mind to even question he might not be with her, that he might be able to reach me via the bond BECAUSE he did what had to be done for the shield to still be there and healthy but not to affect him or the bond at all. I'd never even considered that possibility, which is probably why the Morrigan called me a damn fool if I couldn't figure out how the shield could be intact and yet he could reach me via the bond again.

And... I'm not certain it's what the song says, not what it seems to me to promise. The song very much feels like the vision dream, the one with the lamprey and the ice. Not the one where the Goddess gives me a choice for what to do while I'm waiting for the time something can change about what's happening that isn't about my choices and never was, but the one where I see how it ends and how we break through the ice. The song FEELS like that moment of it right before I give up to walk away and it upsets the polar bear enough to break off from the lamprey feeding on him and race to the glacial ice and trying to break through it. That moment when he can't and puts his paw up against the ice and I come over expecting to tell him he'll have to find another path around to find me catch up later. That moment right before I put my hand up and the energy between our two hands shatters the ice so he can get through -- it FEELS like that moment when i saw the bear trying but the ice seemed too thick and it caught at my heart still to want to at least go back to say farewell from my side because I couldn't wait any longer... That moment where the bears paw is up but before I reach mine up across from it separated by the glacial ice -- that's how the song echoes in me. Like that moment of that vision dream. That's what I hear and feel in it now that I listened to it......

I'm not sure if what I hear is the voice of confirmation bias whispering to me what I would WANT it to be when I know damn well that the Occam's Razor simplest answer is the assumption I first made. And maybe it's just a little defiant whisper in me of questioning the assumptions I made and have made, maybe the simplest answer is the right answer because it normally is.... but something in the center of me is completely certain saying it isn't in this case, not in this song and not with what he actually said in the email, what words he could find for what he wanted to say. And also. With me everything always starts when something sparks in me the inflection point when you start to ask the questions you should have been asking all along....

Assumptions always seem to lead to heartaches and misunderstandings and dead ends in my life path whereas the act of questioning is what opens up doors where I never saw them before that lead to truth and better answers and healing paths through what looked impassable. So. For me. I think for tonight I'll be putting my faith in the whispers of questioning I have now. And Occam's Razor logic can fuck right the fuck off.

And without evidence to tell me otherwise, that's what I will be contemplating now after listening to the song.