I said things in that last post I shouldn't have said but I said them because I was still angry though not so angry I was frying electrical devices. They're all true things, when I get angry I have a tendency to say harsh truths not caring about the consequences - and when you set off my cold anger, I say them to you to break you or force you to confront yourself but I say them deadly calm matter of fact as if every single person knows the truths you're not ready/able to face about yourself..... Not that anger does any damn thing that's useful unless your goal is to Carrie/Carrington Effect everything you touch or in a certain radius that your energy fueled can reach. I'm not angry and it won't stop me playing nicely as friends, but my trust in Maddie is broken from this and I won't ask her for help in the future or rely on her for what she says she'll do unless she proves to me she deserves another chance at me trusting her -- but like everyone she has to make her own life choices by her own priorities since she's the one must walk the path of consequences those choices created.  And while all the things I said were true, that didn't make them my stories to share. I carry a lot of heavy troubling stories that aren't mine to tell, and stories of infidelities fall into the category of "not mine to share." They're still true, and when karma comes calling on those past due choices in rationalized morals, well, I'm just glad it's not me built that house of cards of those truths I ranted about that weren't my stories to tell.... But they weren't my stories to tell so I set that post to private draft.

I do still have to deal with the fallout from Maddie backing out leaving me a month and a half to figure out what the hell I'm doing now.... I would like to avoid the worst potential fatelines if possible, and I really think my sister's patience is pushed as far as possible with me waiting until May but I simply couldn't make earlier work unless it was literally to fly out there and not visit them but drive their dog back to Wisconsin..... I had already planned that after I have the rental car I need to stop at a sporting goods store and buy a good hunting knife or utility pocket knife for the drive back. I suppose I could pack it in the checked bag, but also my sister has mentioned she thinks even owning swords or knives is irresponsible around kids except for kitchen knives that are out of reach they're not to touch. So I'd just as soon not deal with what happens if she finds out I packed a knife and brought it to her house where the kids get to it.... Better to buy it once I have the car and keep it in the car until heading out of town. I will probably pack my glass breaker/seatbelt cutter though -- that's an important thing for long car trips in your "o shit" situation supplies. I can probably cobble together a make shift first aid kit don't need to pack that or my suture kit -- pretty sure sutures and scalpels would fall in the same category as knives and swords to my sister. I don't like the thought of driving that far by myself without a battery starter kit, but I don't need a second one and that would count as batteries not to pack in checked luggage for risk of fire hazard.... If I meet my parents at their cabin in Whitefish I can have them bring one for the long haul part of the drive and hope there isn't a need in the mountains or eastern wa or Idaho. (I do have AAA and know how to jump a car from another car as long as there's cables, but the battery pack jumpers are way easier.) It's not necessary and for a very long portion of my life's roadtrips I never had it with me, including the two times I drove straight through between Chicago and Quebec City. It's just nice to have, especially in highway sections that are deserted far from cities. More important I have a flashlight and some rope other than dog leash....

 I'm actually not that worried about the o shit situation supplies for a solo drive because Capricorn moon raised by a Capricorn sun, preparing for what you reasonably can then relying on practical survival skills combined with slowed time calm decisiveness are what I do in emergencies. What I'm really REALLY not looking forward to is a 21hr drive with a dog and nobody else to be able to do dog hand off take turns with for things like bathrooms. Food and drinks can drive thru and gas can roll windows down stay by the pump, but even a lot of rest stops and travel plazas don't allow dogs in the buildings/bathrooms unless service dogs and late May can get hot enough Waffles can't be left in the car... I'll have to look up dog friendly rest rooms where you can bring them in not just sit outside with the dog, even if it means detouring to parks or something to figure out. The not being able to leave her in the car so long as it's just me is my biggest concern, unless I'm unconscious I can handle myself -- but the dog is the unknown variable changing situational awareness if there's nobody to watch my back or hold her for me. For the entirety of the 21hr drive. Ufgh. Even with a hotel break in Fargo, that's going to suck not to have anyone to take turns watching the dog for pee breaks or navigating (it's a pretty straight shot just stay on the highway except to refuel or pee breaks) or to run inside places to buy things without leaving a dog alone in a car.

As for the other part. Precogs gonna precog. And while they're contingent precogs, not immutable, I'm not worried because I can fight like a hellcat to find the paths through to avoid the worst fatelines. And I have been and I will and I always do. Immutable precogs are the ones that kick you in the gut to rail against the fates -- those are the ones that no actions you do can alter no matter how hard you try. And when contingent precogs turn to immutable precogs and I can no longer alter the course of fate lines, even when I keep fighting despite knowing I won't win.... That moment when the shift from contingent precogs to immutable precogs is when my heart breaks and everything shatters and there's nothing but acceptance and "where do we go from here?" As long as the precogs are contingent, there's agency and there's free will to alter the course of fate lines and land in a better future -- and while there's hope there ain't no damn reason to give up the fight for the better future paths that get you what you want. And ain't none of my precogs about all the different ways that drive from Kirkland to Madison might look have been immutable precogs. Every one of those fate lines are contingent precogs glimpses -- and forewarned is forearmed.  So I'm not that concerned about the worst of them yet, I just prefer to stack a deck so those can't happen if I can, y'know? Sometimes as a precog you operate by aiming true for the fate line you want most, sometimes you have to operate by guarding against the absolute worst possible ones being able to manifest and hope you wind up with something that's not too bad because at least it's not the worst ones you saw.

Do I have any idea how the hell the potential fate lines think the best possible outcomes where there's no issues of attacks at all could manifest? No. No fucking clue.... The most annoying thing with contingent precogs is that you see the fate lines of what you don't want to happen, but you can't see how the hell they happened and/or what you need to do to choose or avoid them. You still have to figure it out on your own and live by your choices, you just have a bit fuller knowledge about consequences to choices. 

And you may be wondering why not just ask my bff Crissy. (A lot of people I know can't be considered due to them having kids/families or jobs that don't allow for them to accompany me on a 31hr drive.) Well, third weekend of May is and always has been DI Global Finals -- and Crissy has been attending it since she competed in it in high school and volunteering heavily with the organization as an alumni and is a head appraiser. So May is the one time she's completely unavailable to drop everything and help me drive a long distance, even to help with a dog rescue. She would be available in June, but I really don't think my sister can wait that long, waiting til May was pushing it for her and she preferred as early as possible in May rather than a later May visit so my drive home could be in June.... If I could do June, Nancy (a godmother auntie unrelated to me) would also be available and she has resale properties in Tacoma area and her daughter still there as reasons to visit the area before the drive back. BUT, in May Nancy will be recording demos with her fellow songwriter in Austin then in England to record the remainder of her musical at Abbey Rd studios. So my two "would drop anything to help me out with this and have the flexibility of job/kids to do it" possibilities are unavailable in May. And my April was too impossibly busy to even consider. And pushing it into June was stressing the Virgo the fuck out and a stressed Virgo means ain't nobody happy.... So May is when my Seattle trip is and May is when I will be making that long drive with Waffles, with or without anyone else as driving companion.

I have faith it will all somehow work out just the way it's supposed to, or at least on the best possible fate lines there's any possibility I can actually achieve. And weather allowing, I have the Bailen show in Milwaukee on Friday night! And I am seriously considering going to Chicago for their show on April 1 because I adore them and have since 2019 when I first heard I Believe That I Was Wrong but between COVID and their shows here being whenever I was out of town, it took me until last year when Bailen was opening for Lone Bellow to FINALLY see them live. (And yes, Bailen opening for Lone Bellow was even more fucking amazing than your jealousy is imagining, lol.) So after 3 years of missed opportunities, I feel like I've earned going to see them twice on my own, lol.  Then on April 3rd, my parents are headed to Panama if their passport renewal can happen for them -- so I'll be dog sitting Sophie and chilling at the house I grew up in and my own condo whenever I'm not working. Except the 4th when Skerryvore show in Milwaukee is. Then after they're back from Panama (if they can go) is Stars concert in Milwaukee on the 12th and symphony on the 14th and then the craziness of end of April and then flying to Seattle at the start of May. It will disappear fast....but honestly, unless it's mixed precipitation ice on the highways, I do think I have earned for myself both Bailen shows, lol. 

I should make some tea since I'm not yet hungry for breakfast/brunch after waiting til nearly midnight to eat my chili that took all day due to the getting angered right before needing to do the part I would fuck up if I cooked while angry. (Didn't fuck it up, quite tasty! Made my entire flat smell amazing when I walked back in after taking the garbage out.) I'll eventually make brunch. And head in to work get some hours in probably. Tomorrow I'm taking my grandma to an appointment and didn't sleep at all last night so we'll see if I make it in today. I did try to sleep. And every time I tried and was approaching dream space, there was this rushing in down the bond of comfort and love and quite literally felt like having my hair stroked. Which was really sweet and loves it and wanted to just relax into it, but ethically I don't think I can let me while he's with someone else -- especially because doing anything to strengthen the bond causes increased frequency and intensity of overlays of all strong intense moments as if living it with the other person -- and that is just invasively voyeuristic and wrong to do to a third party either Eric or I romantically attach to. It's one of the reasons I chose prolonged singleness rather than dating guys I like well enough but I can see the end before the beginning. And it's why I do my damnedest to shut him out from reaching me via the bond or doing anything to strengthen the bond whenever he chooses to date other women -- it gave me the icks that I was doing something wrong where I didn't belong to suddenly get overlays from him while he was dating the scorpion chick he was long term live in with in Raleigh. Quickest way to make me fight him try to shut him out and silence the bond as much as possible even though I can't ever cut that chain between us is for him to fall for someone else or date other women. That's just not something I want to be party to but strong emotions resonate so intensely down the bond that overlays happen and just....yeah...strong emotions. Only way I know not to be guilty of that voyeurism by overlays is to try to weaken the bond as much as I can and not let the energy flow between him and me the way it naturally wants to through the bond. So as much as I adored that comfort and love pouring in and WANTED to curl into it, I couldn't let me and so I just lay in bed from like 4am or so when I set aside the Chomsky-Foucault Debate I was reading to try to make me sleepy until predawn started when I gave up trying because I never can sleep during sunrises. Even as a child I couldn't.  

But you know what I can do? I can make me some herbal tea and get back to The Chomsky-Foucault Debate or the next chapter in Tolkien's Book of Lost Tales 1, whichever will be less stimulating, see if maybe I can put myself to sleep for at least a few hours now the sun is fully up.