I haven't had all that much going on to write here right now. I've been questioning myself why have it why keep it what purpose it serves for me if I'm not writing out my thoughts/feelings/reactions apropos of Eric here, given that's about all it devolved into over these last several years.... And that's part of a bigger question regarding if I'm in the right, if I'm doing the right thing by choosing a path of intentionally letting him go from a place of radical acceptance of his free will no matter where it leads him. Because that's the path for myself which I chose the other week when I decided to unfollow his Instagram account because I didn't see anything healthy (for me or him) in me trying to square the circle of my own selfish desires to maintain contact still see him and all his continuously consistent free will choices regarding his part in the bullying of ANYTHING done on his band's instagram or sharing anything from it while the band's account has a systemic issue of ostracism of blocked fans for speaking the fans own truth and then ghosting rather than replying/acknowledging any attempt at discussing or making right that wrong. So I chose as radical a possible acceptance of his free will and letting him go completely, including letting go of even the hope of us crossing paths to be together this lifetime, as my answer for what I feel is the healthiest and truest to my own ethics choice I can make at this juncture. That doesn't make it the best or the one that gets either of us what we truly want.... It's just what I have deemed at this time to be the healthiest and the mot faithful I can be to my own internal code of ethics in a situation where I can't do any damn thing to alter the choices of others and I refuse to put him in a position he has to choose between me and the group around which he has built his entire life and identity in this lifetime of his. 

I do not believe, nor have I ever believed, that it is morally right to put him in the middle or ask him to choose or make any sort of ultimatum in a situation that was entirely created by the reactionary defensiveness of his sister acting in the name of the entire band and then doing what she always does, which is trying to bury the truth and the evidence that doesn't show her in the light she wants people to see her. (She was like that in past lives too, but never to this extent.)  The dynamics of her choices and her toxic behavior patterns shouldn't be paid for by him, EVEN WHEN she has been allowed and continues to be allowed to graft those patterns into the structural organization of how their collective deals with fan reactions she didn't like and so doesn't want other people to hear.

He shouldn't have to pay for or be stuck in the middle of anyone else's choices -- and I stand by that at a very basic ethics of fairness and justice level.  However, he does have to answer for what he knowingly allows to be committed in his own name and for his own personal choices and for the consequences of his own actions. He has agency and free will and for his own choices and his own actions and what he knowingly allows himself to be part of in a group setting IS about him and it is fair to ask him to bear the costs of those choices he made in free will. He shouldn't have to pay for the CREATION of the system of ostracism that has been and continues to be enforced on the band's Instagram account (not unless he took an active role in its creation) and he is not guilty of anything before he knew it existed BUT he is guilty of perpetuating it and taking active part in it AFTER he was informed of its existence. And the more actions of bullying via ostracism he has engaged in or continues to engage in by sharing to/from the band's account or going live there, the more guilt he accrues for his own acts of complicity by his silence (where the very act of not speaking out against the injustice/wrongs committed by a group you are a member of or by people you respect/care about is allowing the acts of injustice to continue) and his choice to be an active participant in the bullying via ostracism whenever his actions are a reinforcing reminder of the group think toxic tribalism of "you can't sit with us, you're not one of us, you're not welcome to sit at our table."  And so it is for his choices, his inactions, his actions, and the consequences of them all that I have chosen as I have. I do not hold him guilty for creating the system that's been perpetuated in his name as a member of the collective, but I do hold him guilty for his silence once he was told about it and his choices to continue to take an active role in behaviors of bullying by ostracism. Someone else chose to create an unjust system in his name as a member of the collective he helped to create and belongs to, but he chose to do nothing about it once he was informed of the wrong of it and he chose to make himself an active bully perpetuating the injustice and cruelty in what he has said and done sharing to/from the band's Instagram account and going live there over the last three years AFTER he knew about how the collective group account had been made into a system of ostracism and bullying. 

And I'm tired of my hurt being the coin by which his guilt is measured out. Let his guilt sit on his own soul and his own karma, but I don't fucking want it paid out by my own pain or hurt or me being the scapegoat. So I chose that a consequences of his actions and choices is that I'm done and don't want to see him or have anything to do with him so long as he is guilty of caving to the peer pressure that he uses to rationalize him actively taking part in being a bully KNOWING that his actions are acts of juvenile middle school bullying toxic tribalism behavior patterns.

 Do I recognize that there's a deep connection down the bond between him and me? Yes. Do I recognize that both my own and his memories of our past lives all center around our past interactions/relationships? Yes. Do I know that at a profoundly karmic spiritual lessons level most people are born tabula rasa regarding their own past lives and only those things which can aid us in our soul path of healing/growth for that lifetime are the things we remember from our past life versions of ourselves? Yes. Do I conclude from this that our paths were fated to cross in this lifetime for some form of karmic healing and that we both came into this life with soul preparations for that inevitable crossing of paths? Yes.  I acknowledge and hold all these things as true.

But now. Here's the thing. What I CAN'T know from where I am in this life path/soul healing path is HOW we're meant to clear the karma between our past lives.... I can't tell you if the "right" path is a shared path of love and healing OR if the "right" path is the release of the karmic debts to each other and setting us both free to go wherever our soul paths lead from here. I cant tell you if letting him go by me zeroing out the karmic debts between us (at least from my side) to release him from it is a release from here throughout future lives so there will be no bond pulling between us or if him holding onto his perception of the karma links between us means that after he heals as far as he can in separation we will then cross lives in the future to give us another opportunity to finish the healing from his side. I don't know any of that right now.... I genuinely don't. It all depends on free will choices.... The cycles of incarnation here on this plane/planet is ABOUT the lessons to be learned within a framework where free will is sacrosanct but the consequences of each choice are inescapable. 

I don't know if he and I came into this lifetime for healing by being together again or for healing by releasing the strands of the cords of our bond between us. I know either option is open to us to choose between in this lifetime -- but I don't know which path we will choose/have chosen. I don't know which path provides the lessons of greatest healing, the lessons are different either way but our choices will make it clear which lessons we need to learn for our own soul's growth.....

But I do know that I don't like the version of me I would be if I allowed myself to sell out my own ethics and boundaries and how I hold free will sacrosanct while acting within the cycle of souls incarnating. And I know about me that acts of intentional cruelty, intentional bullying, doing wrong when you know better and know how your actions are hurtful to another, is my red flag line in the sand because of what it tells me about what the character of that person is willing to rationalize and sell out in the name of peer pressure conformity or ego driven selfishness/venality.  And ultimately, I am as beholden to my own choices and the consequences of them as any other soul choosing paths of incarnation -- so it is my choice that I cannot and will not condone the sort of rationalizing that makes othering and toxic tribalism and "us" v "them" mentality of excluding people and doing things for fear of ending up excluded from the group if you don't conform. It is an evil rationalization of cruelty and eliding ones own responsibility/guilt of one's own actions and it only ever leads to greater and greater evil done in the name of whatever collective you are a member of, whatever collective demands you choose acts of cruelty against anyone that the leader of the group marks as outside the group and rationalize it however you do. It's the same dynamic at any age, any collective, any point in history. Whether it's your friend group, your political group, your religious identity, the harm done by the rationalizing your own participation in acts of intentional cruelty is the same. And if you don't weed it out when it crops up in small ways, it will lead to ever greater acts of cruelty in the name of the collective unless/until you stand up against the wrong of it -- even if the act of standing up speaking the truth that injustice is always wrong puts you outside the group collective if it's too ossified or powerful to change. Still if you don't stand up, even against friends and family when they are guilty of it, to try to create a more fair and just and kinder system then you become a part of the problem and a part of perpetuating the system.

I can't make choices for others and I don't want to. But my own choices don't allow for me to pretend I don't see and don't recognize the pattern or the harm that rationalizing the patterns of thought/behaviors that create such group think collective behaviors.... And I'm the one who must live with my own conscience. My choices will always reflect that, will always take me down the paths that let me hold most truly to my own clearest conscience.

That said, I haven't been sleeping much and never at night. Because I can and do hear him reaching for me in dream space while he sleeps. But I don't trust me to see him even in dream space and not be drawn to him and want to forgive him without him having done any work to keep the old patterns from repeating... And what's the point of a forgiveness when there can be no expectations of a lesson learned and changed behaviors for the future? Isn't that just enabling and abetting the recurring patterns and toxic cycles that came before so that they keep repeating? So for most of this last month I've only been sleeping in the daytime hours on a flipped schedule when he'd be busy working or doing normal life things and staying wide awake in the hours I can feel him reaching for me down the bond hoping to see each other in dream space. I can't trust me not to become a part of perpetuating the same old patterns if I see him, so I'm keeping myself awake during the times normal people sleep and I sleep between sunrise and sunset in the hours that most people are active or have things to do, especially if they have commitments involving other people. *shrugs* I don't want to be an enabler or a part of repeating toxic patterns.... I want to learn and heal and grow and discover better healthier modes of interaction and being in this lifetime. And if that requires flipping my waking and sleeping hours from most people's, so be it. That's better than being complicit or an enabler of repeating toxic patterns when everyone involved should know better and should want to break them to find something better and healthier....

Wednesday morning all the fate lines were wildly in flux again.... They made me very light headed and dizzy, especially when I went outside the energetic shielding of my parents house to take the dogs out to the backyard.  But it improved and settled again by Wednesday evening and hasn't been in flux since then. At least not that I have felt. I've enjoyed watching out how the meticulous rule following system building of Virgo has played out in national/international politics -- I'm excited to watch how things continue to unfold under the sign of the scale of Justice. (Both my sun and my Mercury are in Libra, so I'm much more comfortable with both the balance and the hard edge of justice and karma consequences of past choices/actions.)  As an astrologer, I don't expect the actual violence of hidden things coming to light and the next rounds of battle between inclusiveness vs repressiveness until we enter Scorpio season -- I expect justice to be served up for as long as the sun and Mercury (communication/technology) are in Libra BUT as soon as one and worse both are in Scorpio we will see the blow back and the flames of all that goes on beneath the surface and especially everyone who doesn't believe in justice but prefers to have their own way to be the authoritarian way. And there will be a pendulum swing back -- the more justice we can get under Libra, the more blow back you should expect from those who don't believe in or actively try to undermine/fight justice. You don't need precogs to know that, just a lot of lessons in realpolitik and astrology. Take all the legal gains we can get right now in the name of due process and fairness while sun/Mercury in Virgo/Libra of meticulousness and justice -- because once they move on seas get VERY stormy until they're both in Capricorn....