I very nearly died again Friday night/early Saturday morning. Oops. Luckily I didn't, but it was close and definitely had to shove my soul back in my body multiple times and fight like hell for a solid 3.5 hours in order to keep it anchored there. In a camper in Kentucky of all places. 

There are three times I have drunk to the point of my soul leaving my body and severing the cord and me having to force of will keep it in the body as I struggles to keep the body alive. The first time was in college when I was drinking pints of Long Islands to forget something I had seen someone I cared about do and the man he was allowing himself to be. (Fun fact, I cannot drink to forget. Any time I have tried, I remember every moment of it with intense clarity of being that drunk and all the feels involved. My memory and my metabolism do not allow for me to drink to forget, ever.)  That night I walked a straight line home in 4" heels on every curb edge and I got everyone else water and food and sent to bed not on their backs before I let me be sick and then curled up in the fetal position with my soul floating above my body desperately trying to force it to stay inside the body keep it alive. The second time was in Chicago and it was really bad, bad enough I insisted we had to go in because I couldn't keep soul in body on my own, and the first time my blood alcohol got high enough to give me teeth chattering uncontrollable body wracking shivers from the hypoxia....This time was my second worst time ever with that cliff, borderline if should have gone in, had about 2-3 hours of body wracking chills couldn't stop shivering until sunrise when we got up and I had Crissy drive us back (still vasovagal enough movement was causing retching/dry heaving of bile.) But by the time I got up again at 9:30 after sleeping in the hotel bed for another 4hrs, I was absolutely fine no signs of it and no hangover -- just my normal hummingbird puppy energy. And the weight of all the precogs and the empath overlays of everyone's emotions ....

It was my own fault..... I drank WAY too much gin and whiskey/bourbon pretty much constantly from 4pm until like 12am. The gin in heavy pours of half gin half ginger beer and all the whiskey/bourbon neat.  Enough that the boys of We Banjo 3 were incredibly entertained and concerned and wanted to make sure we were alright would be taken care of (we were heading to Tara and Chris's camper with them to sober up -- otherwise all the guys offered to take the keys and drive us back make sure we safely got to the hotel room. They're good lads and we're incredibly important people to them -- both Crissy and me. But they'll let her help out at merch. They won't let me, not because I'm no good at it, but because they want me front and center doing my energy work filling the crowd with excited puppy happiness and beaming happy energy onstage to help fuel them to give in the performance. They have all directly said that if I could be there at every single show, they would prefer it and every show would be more amazing for it. Martin has also directly told Crissy about me, "We all need more tea drinking empaths in this world.") 

Anyway. What happened was. I was pissed off and gutted simultaneously in the morning and between the way my anger fries electronics and me  being certain that as an empath and telepath I could keep my mouth shut from what I heard people thinking/feeling while at a bluegrass festival. It was really the electronics frying from my anger that I was worried about -- music/festival equipment is expensive and I'd already been making cell signal disappear and tablets fritz the fuck out so Square wasn't working for vendors for the two days previous due to precog knowing it was coming on Friday....  But, we'd bought the tickets and between that and the hotel room it wasn't a cheap choice to stay introvert hermit in the hotel and I knew that if anything could get me to an emotional happy place on such a day, it would be a Rhiannon Giddens set followed by a We Banjo 3 set. The Punch Brothers set on Thursday night. When we got to the hotel on Thursday and I saw our room was right next door to the electric room I said to Crissy, "I'm going to need to do something about that tonight before we go. Otherwise tomorrow we'll have even worse problems and I can't guarantee there won't be an electric fire when I can't control my emotions in the morning." She just assumed I meant as a general precaution, she forgot that when the verdict was leaked I told her in all seriousness, "the verdict will drop for real while we're at ROMP. I'm actually grateful for this leak though because it means more people than me have foreknowledge. It means that those who are in positions of power and organizations can come up with plans for how best to help the women who will desperately need it." She remembered me telling that, she didn't remember until after she saw the news on Friday that I had told her when precisely it would happen. So anyway, when we checked in on Thursday, I put an energetic bubble protective shield around the electric room and the elevators just past them so that even if ai was angry in the halls their electrics would be safe from my energy fluctuations. And then in addition to my normal gridding/blessing the room I added a layer of inward reflecting bubble shield for all emotions and energy. (I can't sleep in any space I haven't gridded/blessed, it's a protective instinct because even in my sleep I shine brightly enough to call vampiric energies to where I am and while resting my defenses are lower than while I'm awake. So whenever I travel, I always grid the vehicles I travel in and every space that I expect I may sleep in. Even my friend's camper when we stopped by Thurs night. It's a self preservation thing, because gods and angels may be on call protecting you but you have to ask for them to intervene, and if you'd ever been hunted by nephilim, you would too.) It made it so everything felt, especially everything I felt, was extra strong within the space, but it kept my emotions from starting an electric fire so worth it. Probably going to cause some people to have extra intense sex in that room while it lasts, but that's not my business, the emotional amplification should wear off by the end of this week. The gridding will endure and endure and endure for as long as the energy stays aligned isn't disturbed by a living soul intentionally changing the alignment and I'm not sure how long my protective energetic shielding will last around the electric room and elevators.... I've never measured my bubble shields length of time, normally they last for as long as I need them and then I break them.... I don't know how long they last if I just leave them. 

Anyway. Foreknowledge isn't the same as the day it happens. I have been warning since I was 12 that the day the Supreme Court balance is lost and it gets corrupted is the start of the darkest fatelines and nothing I can do can get me in a position of power to defend it. I have argued and pleaded since I was a child that the Supreme Court must be defended from the corruption spreading at all costs if we wanted drop avoid the darkest timelines. I have told people that they can't vote their conscience vite green party on any election where a Supreme Court Justice might be chosen within the 4 years because the Republican appointees would corrupt the courts and there is no legal recourse in the balance of powers as it was framed for a corrupted court. Since I was 12 I have known and seen the precogs this was coming. Everybody said once trump was beaten that the worst was past now and I would look at them tragic eyed and say, "No it's not. It's only just beginning. We lost the courts. They're corrupted now. And unless more justices are added NOW to balance the powers of it, we are all so fucked. That's the only pebble that can be moved to shift from the darkest timeline since Comey-Barret was in place and the corruption complete. It's the smallest faintest hope and it won't be taken in time. People are going to die now. And nothing I can say or do can mitigate it even though I already see it all unfolding." I have seen it and I have known and I have not been in a position of power to do a damn thing but funnel money and try to get people to understand the seriousness of it. I have racked my brains trying to figure out if there's anything I could do and all I can do is lighten the fatelines from the worst of the worst to get information to people who can get it to others to keep us from walking the darkest fatelines and to potentially shorten the time spent in dark fatelines. But I have spent this whole life playing Cassandra.... And anyone who tells you there is anyone more tragic than Cassandra in all of Greek mythology is wrong. To see and to foreknow the bad that is descending and to be unable to avert it or to defend against it or even to be taken seriously is the worst.... Mostly I keep my precogs to myself unless they can alter anything even in some small way or they slip out in the candor if speaking honestly to friends and family. But this cluster of timelines has weighed upon my foreknowledge since I was 12. And no amount of foreknowledge can prepare you for the slap of the wave hitting you being in the moment of it as it breaks.... So I have known since I bought my ROMP tickets and got the precog flash that this was when the fatelines would unfold in real time for everyone to see. If it had been anyone but Chris and Paul and the guys, Rhiannon Giddens whose heart breaks over the stories she carries but she knows it MATTERS to keep telling those hard truths to try to keep them from repeating, and my dear banjo boys who are all energy workers and empathy in their own way and due to stories not mine to tell couldn't have made it through that set without my radiating joy in the music and shared moment, I'd have considered not going. But I knew those three sets of musicians were going to be the best thing for me of the people/music that currently eases my heart and the musicians who are currently light bringers in my world. (Delta Rae is not a light bringer in my world any longer. They haven't been since Oct 28, 2018 and the choices made in the band's name at that time. In summer 2019 I held hope they might be able to repair it, but on Aug 31, 2019 when they chose to ignore the consequences of their past behaviors but claimed they were going live on their Instagram to celebrate "with all our friends and backers" was the day they ceased to provide any joy or light to me or anyone in my life who knows the story and once admired or loved their music and messages. They are nothing but hollow hypocrites now, no matter how right the things they say, so long as the band is a creator and perpetuator of systems of ostracism and injustice in their collective name. Choices have consequences, always. And when you won't acknowledge or make right evil you did, then you feed the darkness and destroy the light you could have shine and the consequences will keep unfolding until you face your past choices and make them right. Evil choices breed evil consequences. Always. And I can only warn you but cannot save you from the consequences of your own free will choices. Only you choosing to be better and make right what you marred can change a course once set by your choices. I just see them ahead and can sometimes convince people to make choices that avoid dark fatelines, but I can't choose for them and sometimes I can't stop the dark fatelines from being the path taken.) 

Anyway. We go to ROMP around 4ish because I said I would not be able to rein in my temper or hold my tongue if confronted with anyone celebratory EVEN IF the feelings/thoughts of celebration were internal not external. And bluegrass festival. And so Crissy decided that alcohol was how she got through it and I decided if I went maenad enough I could broadcast my joy in the music and my friends so loud it would drown out the noise of anyone else's smaller celebratory thoughts/feelings on the day. So even knowing there would be consequences for it, I chose to join her in drinking from 4pm on. We started with gin and ginger beers, 8oz pours of gin each. Then after meeting up with Chris, we had some 2.5 fingers in a solo cup sized pours of Eagle Rare bourbon. Then we went back to the car to make Chris a rhubarb gin and ginger because we had brought Tara some while she was volunteering but none for him since we didn't know when we would meet him -- Crissy topped her drink and mine at that point but I didn't see how much more gin went in. Also Chris looked at me and decided to dad us make sure we reapplied sunscreen, which I had needed. Then we went back to the camper to make some gin and tonics for two of their friends we had run into and Chris also made Gina and ginger's for us. Used up the half bottle already opened and opened a new one. Also used Ceabbie's ginger beer which is a hard ginger beer. And his pours were about 16oz of gin in those. And then I insisted we eat and I told Crissy she had to pound a water before finishing her newest gin and ginger then finish it then finish an electrolyte flavored water then could go back to her remaining gin and ginger. Then we whirlwind went to go greet the vendors (I wanted the crystal wire wrap sister witch to see it on me because she asked and the sister witch who she shared a booth with I wanted to buy a wood hair stick from because I loved them had coveted one the day before but my hair was in braids. I literally asked her just to go ahead and put my hair up with it for me please and gave them both huge glowing joy energy hugs. Then over to the tie dye lady from Florida to pay her the $5 we were short the day before running through all our cash when her square didn't work. She had told me not to worry but then her eyes teared up with gratitude when I came back and put the money in her hand. Her prices are already low because she wants to move her wares so she can paint and make more, and my goal hadn't been to haggle her down we just ran out of money and she wanted us to have the things I'd chosen because they made me happy. She got a hug too, lol. And she needed it. She didn't tell me her story in words but she told me in her reliving it and me taking it on in that hug she needed to keep her going. (Unless you've seen me in that state, which you likely have not, you have no idea how much raw power and healing light and divine love I can radiate and channel through me. And even if you've seen it, you've not seen it ever a brightly burning as I chose to be on Friday.)  Then back to the car to drop stuff off and to pick up the cask conditioned Jameson and Kentucky rye and the boards/shot glasses for our planned whiskey/bourbon flight during WB3. I sent Crissy ahead to find Chris and Tara and get in there for Rhiannon Giddens right after rinsing her glass (which Chris refilled with a bourbon pour) and I came afterward with the bags and more waters in my TradFest backpack and my cup refilled with about 4oz of rye whiskey neat. Stopped to greet a sweet pup who insisted while at the edge of the stage area and that's where Enda found me and we talked for bit and I gave him some coffee for all of them (but which he definitely kept for himself because they were all flying back to Ireland next day.) We both wanted to hang out longer but talking during Rhiannon Giddens felt wrong and Crissy and Tara were starting to worry about me enough I could hear them. So I gave Enda another hug and promised him they'd all get as many hugs as they wanted after the show to carry them through until when I saw them next in August but for tonight we'd still have the shared joy if the show. Then there was more bourbon pours throughout Rhiannon Giddens set and we did a mini flight of whiskey/bourbon shots (an Irish whiskey, a rye whiskey, an 8 yr aged bourbon, a 10ye aged bourbon - turns out part of my aversion to most bourbons is because the imprecision of the "aged in a new white oak barrel" means a lot of the big name distillers age less than a year so it's still clear white out of the barrel then add colors and synthetic flavors to standardize it. I always assumed that like Irish whiskey and Scotch it was a 5 years minimum in the barrels. Apparently 40 seasons with the heating/cooling expansion within the barrels and the wood release is my line for a really good whiskey, anything less than 20seasons is where I find it undrinkable and the texture syrupy. I've been blaming the 51% corn content for my "it's too sweet and cough syrup textured" for why I love Irish whiskeys but don't like most bourbons - but the lack of properly defined aging is definitely a huge part of it.). 

Anyway. So we had a ridiculous amount of gin and bourbon. And i sacrificed my own water bottle for Crissy because she needed it. She gets normal metabolism of alcohol tipsy drunk. Visibly can tell when she's had enough. I don't..... I metabolize the intermediaries into sugars and the sugars into ATP raw energy FASTER than I metabolize alcohol into the intermediaries. So I get a hummingbird amount of energy, but I'm rock steady stable hands, can walk a straight line no slurring, can hold incredibly deep intelligent conversations, hang onto my sense of responsibility and taking care of others and the planet EVEN WHEN my skin starts turning blue from the hypoxia of blood alcohol poisoning.  So I seem absolutely fine other than extra shiny can't hide or contain my own bright soul light or dampen my broadcasting of my exuberant joy even when I'm dancing on the edge of the cliff.... 

After we got back to Tara and Chris's camper, I went over the cliff into blood alcohol poisoning. Threw up all the contents of my stomach and enough bile to burn my entire esophagus (glass stomach, whenever my body decides "nope. This is bad for me" it has very dramatic rejection issues.... My pork allergy, sun poisoning, migraines, and any time I eat anything with bacteria/mold in it that would give food poisoning." I have only drunk enough to reach that point half a dozen times - usually when drinking to excess as a coping mechanism for emotions I can't let me face and process right then or that I'm trying not to drown in. Of those half dozen times, this was the second worst I've ever drunk myself into (the worst was an all you can drink wrist band at a friend's concert in Chicago and I insisted I would not survive the night if I wasn't taken in to the hospital. They gave me a saline IV, couldn't pump my stomach because I already had and piled hot towels on me to help with the hypoxia chills but my BAC was already lowering enough they could do nothing but hydrate me and keep me warm -- and when checking in, I read the whole damn waiver before signing, paused at the question of needing an interpreter because I'd been flicked into French mode as happens once a certain point to ask my friend who kinda remembered her high school French if that was needed, she laughed told me I wasn't so bad. And if I hadn't been bright blue skin toned and uncontrollable shivering from the hypoxia, it's true nobody could have told how bad I was by that point.) This was the second worst and borderline I should have gone in but none of us sober enough to take me in after I thanked the guys told them not to worry. (O, I have a history of reassuring people I'm fine when I'm not, both physical injuries and with bac poisoning. So if your instinct tells you to take care of me get me to safety or care, listen to your instinct not to me being too nice/polite not wanting to trouble you. I would have accepted any of the guys driving us back to the hotel and the band mates meeting them there - which is what they wanted to do, but I wouldn't ask for it. And when they questioned, I admitted neither of us could drive then, Crissy interjected we were going to go sober up at the camper of Chris and Tara, and then I looked Fergal straight in the eye and told him, "I'm not at my worst yet, I can still speak the English. I'll be sick later, or sooner, but mostly later. But unless it's wine which puts me in French mode sooner, you'll know I'm not in dangerous territory with hard liquor until I only speak French." The. His eyes lit up he asked, "Tu parles le français ?" And without hesitation I replied, "Oui oui. Bien sûr je parle le français ! La moitié de temps je pense en français aussi. Mais, vraiment, quand j'ai bu trop, ce n'est pas une situation dangereuse si je continue de parler et comprendre l'anglais. Quand j'oublie l'anglais, c'est le temps de t'inquiéter pour moi." Both the Howleys stopped dead in their tracks packing up when I responded to Fergal in my fast paced flawless Parisian French -- it's come up with them that I speak French but they've never heard me speaking it. And my voice sounds even more bird like trilling in French than English. Fergal had not been at the bar the times me speaking French have come up so this was genuinely his first time learning it about me and I hadn't known that he spoke it.  But before Fergal could reply Crissy said, "No. Fergal stop! No more! We can't with her in French mode right now. None of us speak French to understand her." Which made them laugh and was the only reason he and Enda didn't insist on seeing us back to the hotel. After all anyone that self aware and responsible and intelligent and not falling over their own feet can't be that much too drunk, right?

 Yeah no, I was. And while I'd not have asked for them to drive us back, I would have accepted it. And then been sick in the hotel shower where I could run hot water over me to keep me warm and the shivering manageable. Instead, we went back to their place, Tara did the proper and put out food but the smell of the food triggered my nausea and the cycle of my body realizing how hypoxic it was about to get. Tara cleaned up my sick, despite my apologies. Then once I was to the point of just bile, I curled up on the bench with a bowl and the shivering started. They covered me with clean towels (best they could do) and asked me around 2 and again at 3 if I thought I could move so they could convert the table and benches to the bed but I said if I moved it would start the vasovagal response of dry heaving again. So Crissy curled up on the other side of the bench, Chris slept outside in a chair and Tara slept those hours in the flat bed of the truck. All to the soundtrack of my intense uncontrollable shivering and trying to get enough oxygen into my cells starved for oxygen due to the alcohol bound onto the hemoglobin where oxygen should be and I fought to keep my soul inside that shivering body with a temperature so low it was having a hard time functioning. Then at 5:30, when the generators were allowed to start again we got up and collected out things said goodbye to Tara and walked to the car after I made sure Crissy was feeling sober enough to drive back to the hotel since me doing it would have involved a lot of pulling over for me to throw up bile because vasovagal response to movement. I pounded several bottles of water once back then slept to heal, knowing that by Saturday night and all of Sunday I'd feel very sore in every single muscle from all that oxygen deprived shivering. But I was able to eat oatmeal at like 10am and I also had a ginger beer and made us both my magical histamine relief tea. We checked out at noon and stopped at a Starbucks then started home. Had the most amazing Thai place in Champaign-Urbana (the single best veggie dumplings of my life) which Crissy found from my attempt to describe my precog of what I would eat and of their awesome carved wooden tree I loved. Would definitely do Thara Thai again!!! Made it to pick up my dog from my parents at 11pm Saturday night. 

I spent most of yesterday during the day reauing to recharge my body (and because in times of collective suffering, as an empathy daylight hours when everyone is awake and feeling/thinking loudly is an energetic drain on me) then worked overnight until heading home at sunrise. Not yet ready to human, have been at home sleeping most of the day and reading. Currently debating if I'm going into work or not now I can guarantee even my parents will have left. I have a lot to do, but also my grandma has a gerontology appointment at 10amand the family politics make everyone feel I'm the best to do it. EVEN THOUGH it was scheduled so soon after ROMP and I warned everyone I already had tickets for the festival would be making myself high risk exposure making choices I knew to make questionable around crowds and masking and eating indoors places. I have no COVID symptoms, not even my migraines which are similar enough to some symptoms to maybe be a concern. I tested right away when I got home and last night (both negative) current waiting on tonight's test, will take one in the morning. Zero symptoms and going to N95 mask around my grandma, in the place she lives, and at gerontology clinic because don't want to asymptomatic carry to elderly. *shrugs* I have extras of the free tests from the government, all 8 boxes I could request thus far. So now is the time to use them. Just in case. For the sake of others. 

Aaand another negative test. And no symptoms. Cool. Now. Should I go to work til midnight or 2 or should I stay home rest tonight? *Sigh* I should check in on the world with more than just my precogs .... fine. Work it is.

Also. Far worse is coming. And not what people expect. America's Pluto return is next week... I can't talk about the prcogs now, talking about them won't change anything or help anyone prepare. We're now in the midst of the waves and playing Cassandra won't help anyone navigate them. Just know, things are going to get worse than your gears (but not in the "omg it's handmaid's tale made real" way that people are running around like decapitated chickens shrieking about. No. That's not where we are, and no fatelines lead there. But the rest of this year will be a hard fight and hard stories to carry and unnecessary death and suffering. And choices in November and if executive/legislative can actually do anything to stem the corruption of judicial will determine just how deep down the dark fatelines we go.... I can precog where we're headed if things aren't shifted but I can't tell you right now what other people's future choices will be to tell you which among the darkest fatelines we collectively will be walking ... Just know it's worse than you think, some of it you won't see coming unless you're a precog because it's not linked to Roe related setbacks, but it's also not what fictional parables have made you irrationally fear.  

It will get better, there is lighter and brighter days on the other side of the dark fatelines. Brighter for the lessons learned. But I won't lie to you -- there are choices, both collective and individual, that could lead us down the fatelines where America doesn't exit the darkness until after the deaths of everyone currently living through this moment.... It could be that long living with the pain and unnecessary suffering in the fight to clean out this corruption and the consequences of bad choices. That is one of the fatelines that is untruncated still possible, and it remains far too probable for my personal comfort as a precog prophetess..... And I haven't felt that sort of heaviness for générations to come as a probable fateline since I gave up on the Roman-Christian patriarchal théologies of Europe and started incarnating among the tribes of the Americas to plant seeds to help win the long war.... There is potential that this darkness of this battle won't end until even the youngest now alive are dead and only future generations can see an America undarkened by a Christian patriarchal theocracy in power. Even if we all fight as hard as we can, those fatelines are still far far too probable. I would not choose to bear or raise children in the USA in this lifetime. I have always said that. When I've seen fatelines with me having children, they weren't in the US..... Regardless of the father, they were always born and raised overseas where I could fight from a distance while protecting my own innocent ones.

We are in a time if choosing sides and the fight being brought to you. Silence is complicity in the suffering that has not been experienced like this for generations. And it will get far far worse before it gets better. And you need to know that no matter how hard you and everyone fight, this is a long battle and the fight may outlast your lifetime to see the other side of this darkness. There is evil guiding evil guiding the corrupt guiding the opportunistic behind it, and they hold most of the power and money and the high value cards that can be played in the physical realm. The highest value cards in the spiritual realm they don't hold, but in the material world, they very much do. And even getting back to what freedoms to pursue life, liberty, and happiness there were (limited and incomplete as they have been) it will take generations to get back to on most of the fatelines currently available to the collective. Don't think you can fight hard and in 1 or 3 or 5 years regain what was lost to this corrupt SCOTUS. You will lose more before you gain a single freedom back and the suffering will be horrible. And you should be thinking out your tactics in terms of this will take 10 years of triage, 30 years of hard fighting, 50 years to see again the freedoms and the light that these last 30-50 years have allowed to flourish. The theological patriarchy will be diminished on the other side, but it will take far longer and be a far harder fight even with everyone enraged and in the fight, then people realize. Hollywood and Rowling have made us believe evil can be defeated in one decisive set of battles. This will take decades to undo the harm of it, and nothing will heal the scars of the suffering and unnecessary deaths it causes. You need a damped fire smoldering rage that will last through the fight and that you feed intelligently to keep it burning. Beware of quick burning anger that flares up then burns itself out before it can effect real change..... We're not yet at the turning point where that can change fates, we're in the start of the marathon of this long battle against the corruption and darkness. You need to bank your rage and your fires in ways that will keep you fighting for years and decades, not just days and weeks and months before you burn out on the fight.