Today is the Mondayest Monday to ever fucking Monday. And I'm really fucking tired of being everyone's whipping boy.... I could use a hug from someone who cares and means it. At least Sarah and my mama decided to ask and then add me to the lunch order so I'm now having my brisket and cheddar sub from Firehouse subs (as soon as it finishes in the toaster oven) at 4pm -- first I've had a chance to eat all day -- AND my da intentionally made a second pot of coffee knowing I would drink the remaining half pot whenever I got back -- first coffee I've had today. So at least I have food and coffee now. 

So I've had a low grade predrome migraine that I've been taking Tylenol for the last couple days due to my neighbors down next door AND my neighbors downstairs using synthetic perfume products that give me instant headaches with auras. I've talked to them both about it and they were very nice apologized profusely and switched products -- to another with synthetic perfumes that give me headaches...And I mean, most scented things use synthetic perfumes so I know it's a losing battle and I just live with it until I move somewhere without shared walls/hallways. My neighbor downstairs, as long as I'm not home when she's showering and getting ready in the morning dissipates and I can handle it but the neighbor down the hall intentionally plugs in the glad plug ins synthetic scents IN the hallway because of other neighbors who complain of the hallway when it smells like food (including their own they cooked.) 

Anyway. On top of that, the same neighbors with the synthetic perfume plugins in the hall did get a dog.  Now I genuinely adore Tom and Viola as people and Wookie (their dog) is very sweet when I run into them outside HOWEVER Wookie is a 6 month old dachshund-chihuahua mix who they are puppy training without either of them ever having HAD to train a young puppy (he had dogs growing up, but always already trained and his mom's dog he sometimes watches is a very yappy poodle.)  Whenever they're not home, the dog barks and puppy cries and whines as loudly as it can -- the ENTIRE TIME they're gone.  Which except on days one of them works from home is every fucking day but the weekends. They know, they've apologized about it but they have done nothing training wise to deal with it. So it continues. For over a month now. All day long. The owner of the corgi (who also barked a lot when she first adopted him, but she worked with him) lives directly below them and she was deservedly upset trying to work from home and how it was upsetting her dog. So she came upstairs to yell about it.  They weren't home so she knocked on my door (which DID make Audrey bark but she politely stopped when I told her to) and then proceeded to yell at me about it for 15mins despite me telling her it was clearly not my dog (as she could see and hear) who has lived here for 13.5 years and never had barking complaints and was in fact laying next to me not barking even with her yelling and the dog next door constantly barking and since we were in teh hall because I refused to put up with that energy in my own apartment we could both hear her corgi downstairs audibly responding to its owner's absence with the loud yapping from Wookie. (My dog and the blind man's seeing eye dog were in fact the only dogs in the building NOT yapping yet still she felt compelled to yell at me over the neighbor's dog interrupting a very important zoom meeting she had been on.) And then I reminded her that the neighbors weren't home, I don't have a key, and there's nothing I can do to make their dog stop barking all day when they're gone and she really needs to talk to them about it.

 Finally she finished venting and ended with the non-apology, "I know you can't do anything about it, thanks for nothing." then stormed away down the stairs. And that 15mins of trying to deal with her is why I had time to put the kettle on for tea but not to steep coffee.  And it made me later than I wanted to be to drop off my dog and to get to my grandma's to take her to her appointment. Especially with Sarah constantly texting me about food. And then just as I had got my dog and me ready unlocked the door to leave, the cat yacked up a hairball for me to either clean up or leave to get gross.... 

So that was fun. 

Then I got to my grandma's and she was in her robe and slippers and had "lost" her walker (left it by her washer/dryer) and at first she couldn't hear me knocking on the door between the washer and her TV (Ancient Aliens of all things, no joke -- about Imhenotep the vizir (which means wizard) potentially being an alien-human mix.)  So she made me wait in the hall for 5.5mins shouting, "Just a minute" interspersed with "is anyone there?" while she attempted to get to the door without her walker.  And then she was just an awful bitch with me about how nobody had called or told her about his appointment (my parents had on Thursday, yesterday and before she went down to the dining room for lunch -- everyone at work heard my mom talking to her) and then she was stubborn and recalcitrant and saying today was a bad day for her for it but wouldn't let us call to cancel then yelling at me for "rushing her" when she needed to get an Izze from the fridge to drink and then when I reminded her about changing from her slippers into her shoes (which I had found and put by her chair for her) she got so angry at me "rushing her" and "telling her what to do" that she defiantly said "I'll do it when I'm ready" and insisted on unwrappng and eating a Tootsie Roll rather than getting ready.  I FINALLY got her ready and out her door to the elevators 3mins before her appointment was supposed to start. So I had texted to ask my mom to call to let them know she would be late and ask about rescheduling.... A txt they never saw until after I'd got there.

Then after numerous near accidents (including a minivan coming from behind a semi into the lane they need to merge into then neither speeding up or slowing down but staying right by the corner of the semi trying to merge and not moving) when I got there, it was busier than I'd ever seen it before. All the handicapped stalls were full and the only empty stalls I found were by curbs on grandma's side (which neither she nor her walker can navigate) so I circled the lot got one right in front as someone as leaving. Then, we got in at exactly 2:14 (the very tail end of the 15mins grace period for being late to appointments) but due to the queue to check in (with only 1 receptionist working and then a second coming back for lunch) it was 2:24 by the time we actually were checked in. While waiting, my grandma admitted that her knee was hurting her extra bad today and that was the real reason she had been so slow and didn't want to go out in the cold. Which was too ate to get her upstairs to see her pt before the pt's 3pm next appointment.... So I got yelled at by the receptionist who was stressed and overworked about it and she marked grandma as a "no show" in the system even though we were late and then tried to reschedule her.  First to the 17th (when grandma has eye appointment) then to the 6th (when grandma has her memory care appointment and while I'm gone so my dad will actually be taking her) THEN on the 10th (when Lin scheduled grandma for her shingles vax and said she would take her to it after my mum let her know I'd be out of town the 10th.  So then she was exasperated asked, "Well when can you do?" and I said, "Those are her only appointments I know of, but can you check for after the 14th when I'm back from Seattle so I don't have to check if anyone else can take her?" So the woman says, "If you can't do the 17th, all I have after the 14th is the 15th at 11am." Which I took because she was already angry wiht us, the queue to checkin was stacking up and I was clearly frustrating her that none of the days the pt was available worked for us. But the thing is that my flight home from SeaTac, assuming no delays, gets in at 9:20am on the 15th plus baggage claim plus getting me back home to my car to then get grandma and get her to an appointment by 11.  And when I told my mom that she said she couldn't do that that early at that time, especially because Sophie has her vet visit that afternoon, and I told her to go ahead and change it but I was getting nothing but yelled at trying to do it in person and she kept suggesting the same sets of dates when grandma had other appointments.

Anyway. I got my grandma back to Cardinal View with no incidents.  Then nearly got hit in a Kwik Trip lot trying to get gas then the only spot I could get to with the side of my fuel tank was the spot partially blocked by a pallet of salt that someone had hit and knocked across the lane. Luckily, there were only a few bags left on it (and the one torn open along with the broken clipped far corner of the wood pallet) so I COULD move it by myself. But one of the Kwik Trip employees came out yelling at me not to moe it in case I hurt myself and THEN halfway through filling came BACK out to yell at me for using one of the handicap/pregnant assist spot without needing it since then nobody who might need it could. Mind you it's not ONLY for handicap/pregnant people, it's just one equipped with a call button for them to press to get someone to come help them from inside. But it's just a normal pump anyone can use. I stared him down asked with deadly calm, "And how could a handicap or pregnant woman have used it at all with the salt pallet knocked across the stall the way it was when I got here? The salt pallet you already yelled at me for moving out of the way back to where it belonged to make this stall accessible." He turned beet red when I put it that way, just stared t me gape mouthed as the pump clicked it was done and I calmly turned back to it, and he stomped back inside.  Just another person in a bad mood spoiling for a fight because they have the petty tyrant power they need to assert in the only ways they can.  My day was too full of that today for me to play any nicer than calmly get him tangled up in questions that put him at fault no matter how he examined them. I ask more questions than Socrates -- it's a common way I deal with confrontations if I'm honest.

Then, on the way back, nearly to work, I was driving through a residential area up by the soccer fields behind my old high school and a woman walking her dog, her dog slipped the leash and ran right in front of me. I was able to safely stop without hitting the dog -- though the car behind me was following too close nearly hit me.  Then I pulled off to the curb and parked and helped the scared woman get her running around happily barking dog back on leash -- it's what I'd want to be do if my dog slipped leash near a road and then ran in front of a moving car.  She was so rattled and I calmed her down after I caught him and had a talk with her dog about why his behavior could have gotten him killed. I don't blame anyone for it, dogs that age change size growing fast she's just adjusted it and ones with thick coats are hard to get their collars tight enough they can't slip them but won't choke them and a younger than a year old huskie mix dog is going to get free and want to play once it's off leash -- I'm just grateful I was able to stop and didn't hit the dog that slipped its leash ran in front of me because I'd be a bawling wreck right now if I'd hit someone's dog.... 

Then after I finished my brisket cheddar sub, Crissy, Sarah, and my mom have all asked me about the Delta Rae show tonight after all seeing ads/reminders today. Which I would appreciate they knew and remembered how much I had loved the band and gone to see them at every "driveably close" or "fly to visit family or friends" concert possible this they were asking about me heading to the show tonight IF I were planning to go. IF things weren't so fucked up regarding all things Delta Rae.... But I'm not because it is this way now and nobody but me shows any interest in even addressing those facts. And so I'm tired of trying with them.

But even if my past experiences made me think there was a chance me showing up could improve things, the day I've had makes any niggling desire to even head downtown consider going to see Delta Rae (even just so I could see Eric) tonight completely nonexistent without them having acknowledged and fixed the ethics issue they created around their Instagram page and then have defensively gaslit and allowed their diehards to victim blame about whenever I've attempted to bring it up.  I really don't have the fucking energy or patience to deal with any further defensiveness, any cattiness, any blame game, any "it's your fault because", any "I'm sorry but you shouldn't have", any weirdness of mixed emotions, or any form of defensive negativity whatsoever. I just lack the patience and energy to deal with it today after the  morning/afternoon I had. 

After how today has been, anything short of a genuine hug, an apology, and them fixing what they broke is off the table with me today. I ain't got time for any head games or defensiveness or trying to find a way to victim blame me for the ethics and consequences of their choices and what was done on their official instagram account in their name and perpetuated/gaslit by every attempt made to talk about it (publicly, privately, to individuals, or collectively) since October 2018. Without choosing the path of taking accountability for actions past and present done in the band's name, there is a 0% chance of me ever again attending any Delta Rae show or me being able to even enjoy their music (past, present, or future) no matter how deeply I loved it and how much it meant to me before the events of October 2018 and the fallout from Eric's August 2019 choices (and his choices for the year and a half following that) about going live on the band Instagram account "to celebrate with all our fans and Kickstarter backers" even after being directly told that fans has been blocked on that account after being honest about the country music making it so they couldn't attend shows while that was any part of it. There is no joy for me in anything they have created or could ever create as an artistic collective at this point without them fixing this ethics issue of their making and their perpetuating. The best they can hope for without choosing to face the ugliness of their past choices and fixing things is for it to scar over into indifference toward them and anything they do.  

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference."~Ellie Wiesel

I aspire to apathy and indifference toward them should they continue to refuse to take accountability and do the right thing. It's the only place opposite of love and the joy I once found in their art and the faith I once held that they were actually the sort of good people they claimed to be with worthwhile ethics. Their defensiveness, cruelty, and attempts to bury the truth rather than face the ugliness of their past actions perpetuated into the present require that I find the opposite of all those things I once held toward Delta Rae. So I aspire to apathy toward them. Despite my brief flareup of renewed hope adn second chances given once they no loner had any management concerns outside their own choices, I've been more or less striving to try to reach apathy since October 2018. Sometimes with more success than other times, but still it's what I am aspiring towards regarding them. . The now 16 year old who used to idolize them as her favorite band from the time she was 6 and couldn't even fall asleep without their songs is my role model who I strive to emulate -- her indifference is a Taurus' stubborn monolith.  It's an apathy I'm trying to achieve. I haven't succeeded, but it's what I have been working towards. I shall put no further effort into anything related to the band or anything they create or do other than for me to try to achieve true indifference. 

So I'm going to have a drink with my parents and Sarah and Karissa at 5. Then I'm going to punch in and hang out with my dog, listening to George Winston, drinking tea and eating pumpkin pie, and getting hours in at work to make later this week less stressful. Until whenever I head home tonight/tomorrow.  Probably late night bar o'clock or maybe I'll work til sunrise.... On verra.  I have no set plan have tos or ought tos scheduled for tomorrow day or tomorrow night.

And I certainly won't do anything potentially difficult on a day that all my astro and tarot readers who do weekly/daily warned to avoid confrontations and no win situations on Monday as they would all turn into 10 of swords battles that can't be won and words that can't be unsaid and insisting on being "right" rather than making peace would lead to further explosiveness.... I was warned about today. Still it was a lot of unexpected being people's whipping boy for things that had nothing to do with me....

So anyway. That was my day. And why I desire a hug more than anything else -- a long real hug from someone who genuinely cares. Dogs are wonderful for snuggles and kisses and cheering you up, but they can't hug you and hold you until you get the oxytocin release to feel better. 

P.S. 5pm addendum: It's Rosé O'Clock here. Thank God.