So in discussing options for me showing up on a flight that gets in at 12:14am (the ridiculously cheap ones) I told my sister that waking up a 4 and 6 year old and meeting a dog I'd never met at 2am seemed less than ideal for everyone involved. So then I was discussing my option of staying with Nancy (who lives in Tacoma and may not even be home and we don't know if she's vaxxed) or taking a lyft/airport shuttle would be equally risky for Monroe who is too young to get vaxxed. So my sister suggested we do rapid test and I got super confused asked her, "How would that help? It would only tell us if I'd contracted it before leaving Madison but with 3 day incubation period I couldn't have measurable titres until I'd already been at your house 3 days" and she was just like "For Nancy. Rapid test for Nancy before you show up."  Yep. Sometimes, for someone so smart I can be so sincerely dumb about the most random things....

United prices (and times) make more sense and fall within the cheap but stupid arrival time flight + lyft + hotel range. I should just book it right now, but there are several departure days/times with the $264 option that get there during the daytime -- still looking at 12/3 or so to fly to Seattle area. and I'm tired and indecisive. And frankly, my decision making capacity right now is definitely hampered by a mounting inner frustration over how fucked up and off course everything feels regarding Eric and like it's on a trajectory that definitely doesn't get me any damn thing I want...because the one damn thing I want is him and everything else is just stupid third party choices and defensiveness of other people who can't admit when they did something wrong and so keep doubling down on bad past choices that have made a mess of what should have been the easiest thing on the face of the planet and are now in the fucking way. Which doesn't surprise me that I'm feeling that way right now, but it does frustrate and annoy me.  And makes it hard for me to be decisive with my sister gone to bed.

GAH! It's so stupid and so frustrating and I don't think I can have what I want so now I'm doing the stupid thing where I try to rationalize to myself why me not getting what I want allows him to have the happiness he's chosen/choosing for himself which is more important than my selfishness and that doesn't do any damn thing to make me have less heartache over not getting what I so desperately (and selfishly) want and my soul insists IS the right life path for me and for him regardless how my brain tries to rationalize me accepting why it's for his best interests if it doesn't work out this life because that's what he wants based on his choices so far.  It's a mess frankly. The inside of my head and the inside of my heart is just a fucking mess over it. So I'm going Home and straight to bed. Or at least I'm gonna try to sleep. Tomorrow I'll make choices for my Seattle visit and tell my sister then hang outdoor lights and get some last outdoor tasks done in the garden areas at work. Thursday my parents and I are going to  my grandma's to bring her a Thanksgiving meal and have it with her in her apartment and I'll bring my dad the part of my plant stand they didn't drill holes and we can get the base put together with his electric drill and drill bits. (I should own one, but I need it so rarely I have never yet invested in one for myself -- I just borrow his or bring those projects to their house for his help.) And then Friday I plan to come into work and put up all the holiday decorations indoors. And Saturday I'll stay home and maybe put up my holiday tree if I haven't yet done it before then. And Sunday I'll be at work for the Packers game and getting some inputting and filing and watering all my plants until however late before I head home. And those are my plans to try to distract me not think about things I can't see any way for me to change and make better.

P. S. I took the dog out before bed and had a great horned owl swoop from on top of a light across the street directly across my path to rest on a branch directly in front of me, not more than an arms length away from me and stare at me for a long while!!! It wasn't aggressive or defensive, merely curious wanting me to acknowledge and greet it before continuing onward!  It was super cool! And so huge!! Only the second time ever meeting a wild owl so close this way (the other was a barred owl doing almost the exact same thing on a gray dismal afternoon hike in the woods with Mikaela and the dogs) and never before this close to a wild great horned owl!! In both cases, I merely waited and acknowledged it and  we watched it other until we seemed to have reached mutual understanding/acceptance and the owl flew away. Owls are so well camouflaged and so silent in flight that unless they call loudly or you see them line of sight like this, they're easy to miss. We have several that live nearby and I've seen them close but never THIS close!!! It was really spiritual feeling, meeting a great horned owl like that coming across my path to greet me staring into each other's eyes during the witching hours of 1:30am!! Last night/this morning I had a doe cross my path again as I was driving home. (In the city. But I see and meet deer and wild turkeys and foxes and coyotes all the time on the routes between my home and work. I also see hawks and eagles and cranes and herons and even muskrats in addition to ubiquitous crow friends and songbirds, pretty much every time I take my dog for our morning walks. The foxes and  wild turkey broods have even come foraging right outside where I live on my circle.) Does and owls crossing my witching hour path staring at me with messages in their eyes. Will need to look up the symbolism and spirit animal meanings of both 

It doesn't solve any of what has me so overthinking and upset and unsettled and mostly intensely frustrated - but it felt like a sign or a guide or an answer. And earlier in the evening, I did post an image of an owl with a quote about animals as bearing messages from the Divine if we'd listen. And that's what that meeting with the great horned owl tonight felt like!