There's no need for anger. There's no need for blame. There's nothing to prove, Everything's still the same. Just a table standing empty, By the edge of the sea. Means farewell Angelina, The sky is trembling, And I must leave

 Before you go and build too much upon my last two posts, I should remind you that with me, if you put me between an ethics issue and my desires I will always choose the ethical high road no matter what it costs me personally. What I selfishly desire never weighs more with me than the ethics of right versus wrong.  So knowing what I want doesn't do me or anyone else much good if you don't heal what you poisoned. Nothing is materially any different than it has been since late October 2018 and end of 2019. I am no closer to showing up for a Delta Rae show or finding joy in listening to their music today than I was a week ago, a month ago, or a year ago. You just know now what's in my heart's desires, what's made this so difficult for me to navigate and why it's had me so distressed with heartache. 

I can't fix what was broken between me and them, I can't make the ethics right. It's not anything in my powers to alter or change at this point. And when I tried to get anyone who could do something about it to acknowledge it, I was ignored, gaslit, and publicly victim blame attacked by their diehard fans that it must have been my fault since nobody involved with them would ever behave that way. I have a list of their fans I want nothing to do with, ever for any reason, as a result of that defensiveness and voluntarily defending the band by victim blaming that occurred in response to me just bringing up this issue. I've given up any efforts on my part to try to reach out to them to address this and fix it - it's not going to happen so why should I inflict upon myself the victim blaming attacks of their fans while being completely ignored by them and everyone involved with the band? Yet until it is healed, you shouldn't expect me to do as I most truly desire as regards Eric. You should expect me to do what is right even though it's hard and in this case directly opposes everything I ever desired for myself. Expecting anything else with me is just setting yourself up for heartache. 

I'll knowingly shatter my own heart sooner than choose to be on the dishonorable side of ethics. I don't have to like it, you don't have to like it, but it's the gods honest truth about me and what you should be expecting given the situation we're currently in. I'll not lie or sugarcoat the truth to pretend anything is how I want it or that you should expect of me to follow my heart's desires on anything related to Delta Rae. I won't. The choices made in the band's name in October 2018 and August 2019 guarantee that by making this about ethics, not my desires 

I'm going to go put my contacts in (before slicing up hot peppers) and make a breakfast quesadilla and some coffee before getting dressed and heading to hang out with Mikaela who's off school today. (How is she 16 already?!)

[Post title: lyrics to the song Farewell Angelina. It's written by Bob Dylan and there are many beautiful covers of it. My favorite is the Goat Rodeo cover from when they toured several years ago. Between Yo-Yo Ma's cello and Aoife O'Donovan's vocals, it's heart breakingly gorgeous.]