I think....

I think I am an absolute idiot if I'm willing to sacrifice the opportunity of having something real this life on expecting to maybe hit the roulette wheel of us finding each other in the next life and there being nothing else in the way. (Or the next or the next or the next....) Sure he can always find me if he wants to, even across oceans and continents and against all odds stacked against him. I know he can because he has. But having our life paths align, in the right way at the right time, now that's a much more difficult thing than merely finding me.... That has not gone in our favor on that in many a century.  

So why throw away a chance on this life when there's no great distances between us and nothing bigger than stupid mistakes and miscommunication and stubborn pride too great to admit when it's done wrong. And none of that has substance. It's all just emptiness and air, the only substance in it is what we invest in maintaining it. None of it is worth throwing away something meaningful, throwing away all the could bes.

I think that giving up when this close (compared to other lives) and to throw it to a completely unknown set of future lives chances is the sort of gamble only an idiot makes, isn't it? Why would we do that? Why would I do that? 

And why choose? Why not demand, "Naw but I want THIS life and every single future life we can manage to stitch together." 

And anyway. After all. it's not like there's anyone or anything else I truly want this life. Everything else is just wandering among the people and things that delight me and bring me joy.There's nothing else i want for myself other than him.  I can always disappear to the woods with my books if he once and for all chooses someone else. The wilds will always be there waiting to welcome me.

What's the point in being such an idiot? Why the hell would we do that?!

*sigh* I'd much prefer to heal things and put this mess behind us and be done with it and move forward. Forward to brighter.