I think. The thing that's actually hardest right now is that everything on the bond is so strong and so clear and so intensely real while experiencing it -- but none of it is real in the actual day to day life world. which leaves all the room for questions and over-thinking and trying to plan for "what ifs" that might never have been true, just playing out mental exercises in worst case scenarios. There's no reality against which to measure the what ifs. There's nothing objective or verifiable to tell you that you need to stop and breathe and it's not real -- it's only subjective experiences and subjective over-thinking. There's nothing real in the right now to ground you.  It's as certain and as much in my head at this point for me to say "I'm what he wants and is in the process of choosing for himself" as for me to say "he's looking for someone else among his many options and I need to let go so he can have happiness in his choice."  You see, they're very different possibilities, but they're each as equally "real" right now as far as any sort of evidence I have to work without outside my own subjective experience and my own subjective brain....  And those two possibilities hold equal probability because they hold equal amounts of tangible real world evidence that I know of -- yet they pull me in opposite directions, they change my choices because what I choose if he's an option is him but what I choose if he removes himself from my options is that he be as happy as he can be.

And I could be a lot more stable a foundation for him and his choices if I just could answer that question, if I just knew which side of the coin his choices are. I know it has to be one or the other, I just don't know which it is... And I have no way to know that. And it makes me vacillate unstable in my intentions depending on which of the two seems more likely based on the logic and rationalizations available to me in the moment.  And the divide over which seems more true to me falls quite evenly on if I'm listening to my heart (in which case it's that he desires me and would choose me if I will choose him) or if I'm listening to my head (in which case it's that he doesn't want me/feels he can do better/it's too much work and he will choose someone else) at any given moment. And, my heart is unwaveringly certain but my head is insidious with the logic that my heart believes what it wants to be true not necessarily clear-sightedly seeing what IS true. 

And I hate that I can't just figure it out, have certainty and be able to act with fixed purpose instead of this back and forth push-me-pull-me that I'm still stuck in.... It kills me whenever I flip back to heart-based believing and realize, "O mon bon dieu. I've hurt him again.....How could I fucking have let me hurt him again?!" But the logic of the head based rationale is insidious and implacable whenever it's dominant. And it's so evenly balanced in the real world evidence I have that there is nothing solid to tip the scales definitively in either direction.... and so it just goes up and down between the two opposing possibilities by whether my heart or my head is dominant at influencing my beliefs. So it just tips back and forth, swinging wildly between the two possibilities, because I have nothing to stop me questioning which one is the truth -- I have nothing to plunk down in one of the scales to make it clearly weighed down with "The Truth" in capital letters so I can stop weighing the pros and cons and possibilities to try to figure out which contains The Truth. And I just keep weighing and re-weighing both sides to try to find the balance point. And I don't have what i need to be able to know which one holds The Truth and which set of possibilities I can chuck in the trash or the nearest bonfire... So I just keep weighing the options trying to figure it out because I have no other way to try to find it at this point on my own.

My emotions are as much a rollercoaster as my stability for his choices depending on whether I listen to my head or my heart on this knife's edge balance trying to figure out The Truth of his heart's desires and his choices.... And I dunno any way to find The Truth just from within my own head and heart with nothing tangible to put in the balance....But I have no way to get that and his heart is his to share or expose in his own time and way -- not for me to demand because I'm over-analyzing weighing both possibilities making me feel at sea, uncertain, insecure. I have nothing solid, nothing I can touch as verifiable piece of The Truth. Which is probably why waking up with that inner sense that he should be there tangible and then the harsh reality of him not being there next to me cause me such heartache this morning.

And I don't know how much back and forth my heart can take before I just get impatient and decide any amount of pain which is definitive is better than remaining in the state of not knowing.

But. y'know. Hey at least the Pack won the game today!!! Stupid mistakes by both teams nearly lost it if not for ref calls... But a win is a win is a win.

Cheers to that, non?