So the rain is extended through the entire morning and returning this evening - so no bulb planting til tomorrow. But that's alright. Audrey and I still had breakfast, got dressed for the day to go on our walk, snuggled together and with the cat, and came into work for lunch so my dog could scrounge for scraps.  And now I'm really cold so I curled up with a blanket and a hot cup of coffee and my dual language copy of Beowulf I decided it's time to re-read. (I always get super chilled after I eat while all the blood is in my stomach to digest. It doesn't matter what temperature it is, I always get goosebumps and start shivering after I eat. I can comfortably curl up under a long leather trench coat on a hammock in the summer sun when it's 100F while in my post-prandial chill while most of my blood is in my stomach digesting. It lasts between 1-2 hours after eating depending on what I ate - and the chills are the worst and last the longest the more meat/protein was in my meal. This is greatly to the benefit of anyone, human or fur baby who really loves hugs and cuddles with me. I get super snuggly after eating.  This afternoon is definitely augmented made worse by me having beef & shrimp from Sarku and it being upper 40s/low 50s rainy damp most of this week.)

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr...... and the dogs keep visiting for snuggles but not staying for snuggles.... Maybe I need a third blanket instead.... I wish my cat was here to curl up on me - he's like a little space heater that purrs and gives kneading massages!

Also. I shouldn't assume that he's smiling because of playing live shows again -- that's the most probable explanation but I can only conclude that he is smiling in that picture WHILE at a live show. Technically, the angle looks like it's his piano setup making him smile right then, not the audience or anyone else onstage. Or, if not the keyboard itself, something on his piano stand that he can see. I guess I should be clear about that not assume that the show is the cause of that smile, I can only truly conclude that the smile happened at one of the shows, while apparently looking at his piano setup.

Also. I definitely should NOT be concluding from me being glad that he's happy that it will make it easier for me to give up and let him go for this life. That's the sort of wrong headedness false martyring rationalizations I'm supposed to be weeding out of me, that I swore not that long ago I'd work on digging out of me rather than letting me keep repeating to make me believe it. Damnit.... I really deserve to be bopped on the nose told, "Bad Dani! Bad!" like I failed my puppy training yet again..... I'm going to keep working to get this right until I  eventually do, regardless how we end up choosing for our story to go from here. I need to fix this type of martyring rationalizations I've fallen into -- they're me lying to myself and thus to others. But mostly lying to myself....

What I should say is that it makes me really glad to see him smiling with inner light in him - and that I'd like to make sure that his life path choices keep him that shiny or shine his light even brighter in the future.  That he's able to have whatever it is makes him shiny inside and to keep it in his life as long as it brings him joy.  That's what I should conclude from my bubbly instinctive "O but I'm glad to see him smiling happy" reaction.

Because I am always glad to see him, especially to see him smiling and shiny inside. It may be a bit of a battle to convince me to look at him when I get stubborn that it's better/easier if I don't, but whenever I do see him it makes me light up with joy that he IS, that he EXISTS. And then if he's smiling with soul shine light, it makes me even brighter full of joy in seeing him. It's a joie de lui voir, like joie de vivre but rather than being a joy in living it's a joy in seeing him. But it's that same sort of effervescence of starlight in my soul.