So. I was thinking about it on my walk with my pupper an hour or so ago.  And my including statements like "even if I'm not what he wants" may have been misleading.  It makes it seem like I'm ambivalent when I'm anything but.  I know full well how entirely I want what I've always wanted and how selfishly I want it to be what he wants too.  I know how all consuming my desire is and that nothing else will make me happy and how desperately hollow I get when I try to let him go or not reach toward him across whatever distances are separating us.  I know what it costs me to try to make me let him go instead of holding him tight refusing to ever give him up.  I know all these things.  

What I don't know is what he truly wants.  And that not knowing is why I make me acknowledge "even if I'm not what he wants, what he chooses for himself." Because I would be unhappy even when I should be happy if I knew it wasn't what he wants - it was just my selfishness insisting on holding onto him when that's not what he wants.  I hate even thinking "unless I'm not what he wants" because it hurts to feel even a "what if" version of his rejection,  but as long as I don't know what he wants I'm going to continue questioning that and phrasing everything I want as hypothetical contingent upon what he wants....  I have to.  Unless/until I know from him what he wants so I can discard that entire line of thinking as impossible.  And I don't have that sort of certainty about his heart at this time.  

And that's why I must constantly include the reminder that I want to fix what broke in him make him happy EVEN IF the answer to how to do that doesn't involve me.  Obviously I would prefer if it did involve me,  if I was as necessary and integral to his inner spring of joy as he is to mine.  But I'd like to heal him even if that means letting him go because that's what his choices demand of me....  I'd rather that losing me not be any part what he chooses,  but his choices are his to make.  Not mine.  

But I'm not ambivalent on this.  Nor do I ever desire to leave him.... I do so only when I feel that the only way for me to respect his choices is to let him go and let our paths diverge. That is the only reason ever for him to lose me out of his life.