O, yeah. I set this to private because the other night I just felt, "what's the point of me writing here? What's the point of writing it all out into the void at a public but unlisted and not shared blog? Why not just write it out in a fucking journal like a normal person who needs to write out their emotions to crystallize them into a form they can wrap their head around things would do? This is an idiotic thing to be using up the seemingly gigabytes of cloud storage for.... Why am I doing this? Is it just for myself? What does it even matter if I'm writing this for myself if it's public or private then? And if it's for anyone reading it, then who the fuck is it for? And why would I just not be sending it direct to them? This is a fucking stupid ass way to communicate to someone fi they're reading ti and I don't even know they are -- it would be way easier to just have them ask me directly, "but what IS going on inside of that head and heart of yours?" And then since I couldn't answer any of those questions with a reason to write here as a public thing, i got over-tired and frustrated and decide, "Eh fuck it. May as well just set it to private since I'm the only reader that I know with certainty bothers with it. At least until I can answer a reason to have it public."  made sense to me the other night when I was over-tired to set it private. Tonight it makes as much sense to me to flip the questions ask, "but who does it hurt to have it public but not searchable? Do I have such an ego that I give a damn who reads through these lines? I mean, other than things I oughtn't to have said of other people's stories not mine to tell, what the fuck do I care? I choose to be overly honest and thus an open book if you know how to read beyond the surfaces -- so what do I care? I learned as a child from Sherlock Holmes* that the best place to hide things is in plain sight -- so I put all my deepest truths out in plain sight for whoever can find them and buried deep in thousands and millions of words you have to sift through to reach them -- so what do I care if someone is willing to put in the effort to glean my most important truths of this life? If somebody needs it or it helps them, as random and brutally honest, who am I this life and wtf do I care if they want to slog through all thwse fucking words?" So tonight I set it back to public on as deep and meaningful a whim and set of questions as motivated me to make it private the other night. 

*That's true you know. It's the Sherlock Holmes case with the teapot. I don't remember which one... But when I was 7 or 8 I got SUPER into Sherlock Holmes and I read all of them over and over and I got super observant about even the tiniest clues to deduce things from (like how to read the folds of a napkin to tell you which was the dominant hand of the person who set it down.) Anyway, one of the must incredible lessons I ever learned form Sherlock Holmes style deductions and reading the entire canon of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle at an impressionable age was NOT how to play the fiddle, but rather that the best hiding place for thing sis in plain sight because nobody looks there. So like, my twist on it is to hide important things in plain sight but in the middle of so many others of the same sort of thing -- like, everyone looks for a diary hidden under a mattress or in a pillow or in the underwear drawer -- nobody looks on the second shelf of your third bookshelf in the back row of the double stacked books, lol. So I've definitely been known to hide gifts for other people right out in plain sight in my own bookshelves, and things like that. People look for expected hiding places, they never look at what you willingly display out in plain sight. It's just something to know about me. I put everything on display, especially the most important things, because it's best hidden n plain sight.Not only is it incredibly effective, it also aligns perfectly with my intentional belief that lies are the deepest cruelty you can do to a person and that nothing real can be built on foundations built from a person lying -- so the only road to any authentic meaningful relationships is by choosing a path of intentional honesty and refusing to lie. Wait, you knew that was a conscious choice I made when I was in the fifth grade when i was examine lies and truth and how learning someone lied to you undermines trust, right? It's not a fair folk "cannot lie but can deceive" type rationale, it's firmly rooted in deep philosophical explanation on the nature of truth, trust, and meaningful relationships. That I came to via logic while in the hollows following my grandfather's death. (The death that i vision dream foresaw but he refused to listen to me until it was too late and I've spent a long time blaming myself for keeping my promise to him not to tell my other family members about my dreams and worry them. I mean, that would affect anyone's conscience if it happenrd when they were 9... I was in the hollows for a very long time after his death, in long part for the blame I placed upon myself that i knew but I trusted his decisions as an adult instead of trying to comunicate to others in my family about what was happening... because if I'd only told my father or my Aunt Linda or Uncle Jeff, they'd all have known and FORCED my grandpa to go get it checked early... but I thought since grandpa also had the precogs, that he'd KNOW to take my recurring vision dreams seriously and go get his cancer checked to see if it was back from remission... So it was my fault because I knew, I KNEW, and I only talked to him about it until it was too late to change the fate lines... ) 

Anyway, sorry if that fucked you up at all that I set this to private. it was because I didn't have answers to my questions about why I was bothering to write this the way I have been. To atone. I promise to tell you about what the fuck I did to the grate in my fireplace. (I insisted Mikaela come with me to buy a new grate from the hardware store tongiht so she'd not worry about me being a stoic little idiot trying to find a way to "make do" with a grate sundered in half on the bottom part and on the front piece. It's ridiculous I broke and twisted solid metal the way I managed just in a hearth fire.... Seriously weird. but we went to the hardware store and for $20 I have a new castiron grate not broken in half randomly tumbling burning logs out of the hearth at me and me having only fire/water hardened sticks and bowls of water with wet rags in it to deal with this. before it gets to -17F or whatever the fuck is going to happen this weekend, lol.)  And perhaps I'll even tell you more about my neighbors and whatever flooding/water problem they had while they've been wintering in L.A. -- they had THREE different emergency water/plumbing/restoration companies there all day today... And still drip leaking in the basement right in front of the garage door....

Today was a crazy day, even in the solitude of coziness at my apartment specifically to help cushion the mourning of an almost 16 year old having the first human they've loved die. (Today was good for her though. Even having a promise to have her mother me, she was my older sister 2 lives before this, and make sure I do the right thing to take care of me based on the fire grate related craziness of the morning. I mean, older siblings are going to be protective and want to care for their younger siblings no matter how many lives are in between -- so she is one of the few people I allow to mother hen me and I listen to her advice when I'd likely still be stubbornly stoic stupid to anyone else telling me the same damn thing. It's good for her to have the inverted relationship of me helping raise her this life but also allowing her to tell me what to do and watch out for my best common sense interests. After lunch, she told me she was so cozy it was making her sleepy and I told her to go ahead and sleep because I'd mind the fire and just read and drink tea while she slept. And I said it knowing she's hardly been sleeping since her grandpa died and needed it since I knew she was texting/dming me at 2am and I knew she'd be dropped off between 8:30 and 8:45,  What's the point of offering someone a Dani visit for deep soul level healing coziness if you don't tell them to give in to the urge to sleep if they feel the desire and need the rest? What sort of healer would I be if I'd told her anything else or if I'd in any way interrupted her needed rest during those three hours except when she briefly woke up when I draped a blanket across her asleep on the couch and she smiled at me and snuggled back to sleep some more after asking me what time it was. 

O yeah. And. I've been having recurring polar bear vision dreams again.. A new set of them. The other night, in my sleep before I set this private, I made a choice and changed the dream narrative and decided to let  him go and close the door to where he was. And the bond has been unreachable since I did that... Except early this morning he had a deep sad in him that reached me through the raven deities now guarding that door keeping it shut. I haven't slept again yet to know what my dreams (and/or vision dreams) might bring me... but I know that when I decided to walk out the door and close it with the raven deities guarding it so neither he nor I can pass through it until intentions meet the criteria that the raven deities were given for allowing it.

So, I mean. Also I did that. Maybe should have mentioned that sooner. but it only affects him and me. I think. And maybe thee raven deities I asked to guard it, even form me, because I didn't trust me not to try to re-open it before the interactions could be non-toxic for both of us.... So it affects me an d Eric and the raven deities. (Don't ask me to explain about the raven deities. i don't know them well. but they feel they owe me so they ally with me. It's a complicated incarnation spirit with unincarnating spirits relationship. I intrigue them and they feel they owe me, so they are my allies assist me. when they want to.  I handed over the keys to the closed door between our souls to them based on the recurring polar bear vision dreams of this last month.)  But yeah, he's probably all sorts of feeling unhappy at sea without any reason as a result....

And genuinely, I can't reach him at all through that closed door with the raven deities guarding it. Only his deep sorrow reached me this pre-sunrise morning. So if he's trying to reach me that way and can't, everything probably feels incredibly wrong and anxiety-inducing and just a lot to him. Especially since he may not know I did that. It was the only solution I had for what was on his side of that door and how to protect him from being hurt by those whose attempts to hurt me couldn't reach me just bounced hurt back at them (due to the Goddess and the Hawk God defending me)... So anyway. I did do that in a vision dream recently. I set the door between his soul and mine to be closed and guarded by the raven deities. ... That probably deserves an explanation all its own, but I'm not in the head space right now to give it the words needed for a full explanation, tbh. I'm all wordsded out. I used up my current store of them after these recent days. Right now. I have whiskey-ginger lack of filters and raw emotions for you and snuggly sleepy puppy vibes for you and that's it. Out of words. Especially the words to explain that recurring vision dream I've had for over a month and what I shifted in it in my last sleep....