Some shower thoughts (actual shower,  not meteor shower - though Leonids peak tonight if you have clear skies to watch for wishes) :

If I'm at my most vulnerable and honest stripped down to my strongest gut instinct,  I would say that anything that adds distance is doing wrong.  It doesn't matter if it's me,  him,  or a third party causing the rift, and it doesn't matter what fears,  anxieties, or misplaced stoicism - it's wrong headed.  We shouldn't do that.  

I ran a long way with my last year's good logic on a bad premiss that the best thing I could do was remove the part of the situation in my control, but a bad premiss is a bad premiss.  No matter how good the logic, you'll never reach a good conclusion if you start out from a bad premiss.  the bad premiss was so bad it's time I just chuck it and try again.  Because.  It doesn't matter how far I go,  as long as I'm headed away from Eric I'm not heading toward any damn thing I want.  It's time for me to head home toward him. 

I think.  There are only two reasons that would not be wrong-headed for me to head away from him.  1) he doesn't want me,  he wants something/someone other than me so I should set him free to find what he does want for himself - but that's for him to decide, not me. And it's not for me to assume either.   2) we are actively toxic in our relations to each other can't break out of the recurring modes of interaction so one or both of us needs to do some growing to be good with each other. And we ain't there. The only hurts we been giving each other is in trying to deny we belong together - and we've hurt ourselves bad enough with that. But the only way to stop that hurting is to stop that denial and pulling away from each other.  

So.  I think.  The only way I see from here to anywhere we want to be is to head toward each other.  And I don't see how he can head toward me if I made it so he can't even reach me....so it's for me to take the first steps.  For me to stop trying to muffle OUR bond.  And for me to reopen the channels I closed.  I'm going to add him back on my insta and my twitter.  It won't fix the rest of the mess, that will take work to mend what was broken. But this isn't about anyone but him and me.  And I choose to start taking the steps back to him so he can have the opportunities to reach me and to help bring us back toward each other, heal each other. 

There's a song that I don't know got stuck in my head while in the shower.  It's not one I've ever heard before, so I assume it's one of his.  Something about how we should stay right here. But first we have to get there - it's time to head back toward each other and to not stop til we're together. And then we stay together.  That's the plan.  To bring each other back home again. 

Also that's as far as I've gotten so far. Not much yet for a plan, but plenty for an epiphany  I don't have any idea the how or the when,  but I figured out the what and the why. 

But to start on the how, I'm going to take my first step (next step? choosing to have the bond wide open full flood was first) by reopening channels of communication to give him whatever opportunities he decides to take.  I'm going to start by taking back what I did.  I'm going to add him back on twitter and insta so he can reach me,  if he wants. That's the first step back toward where I want to be.  I don't know what comes after that - but how the hell can I expect him to ever tell me what he wants or give us chances to make things right if I close the paths by which he can reach me? So I need to open again the paths of communication I closed on him. 

And as for when....  Right now while watching the sunrise. That's the best I can do since I can't go back to do it sooner than now. 

P. S.  Okay done.  Now I'm cold and my hair is dripping down my back,  so I'm gonna go find something more than a towel to wear.  Then breakfast and coffee.  Pupkin to her vet (literally 2 blocks away) to get her heartworm test and ProHealth at 9:30a. Then we'll see what else the day brings.  But first, some clothes not just a towel because I'm brrrrrr - I'd go curl up in bed to warm up,  but that would decrease the likelihood of getting Audrey to her appointment in 2.5 hours, lol.  Oooh but the skies just turned the prettiest pinks and lavenders along the stratus clouds and it's goldening along the horizon now!