It's just a knot in the small of your back, You could work it out with your fingers. It's just a tune that got stuck in your head, You could work it out with your fingers. It's just some numbers tangled up in your sums, You could work it out with your fingers. It's just a simple braille missive from the person you miss, A reminder you could always be, A little bit better than this. So try and get better and don't ever accept less. Take a plain black marker and write this on your chest. Draw a line underneath all of this unhappiness, Come on now, let's fix this mess. We could get better -- Because we're not dead yet. We could get better, Because we're not dead yet.

So I will admit I've been a bit.... fractious.... recently. And it's getting worse not better these recent weeks.... I feel like I should be DOING something only I can't figure out what or where it be focusing and pouring my energy into and when I asked the Divine what I should be doing they told me patience for the right timing.... and I'm not good at patience, only good at getting distracted to allow time to pass while I'm distracted. So asking what to do with myself, that didn't help really because I'm so constantly over full of raw power energy feel like I should be doing something with myself and my life but in the real world quotidian I don't know what and I don't want to build anything in an empire on the wane crumbling before it's fall making all things in this society/nation to be thing built on foundations of quicksand.... And so my pent up fractiousness means I've definitely been finding myself pushing a bit the last days the internal levers in my mind of "maybe I should let go of the bond and detach from all connections to it so he can be free to pursue what he actually wants in his life without the mess of the attachment bonded to me." And it's nothing he's done, I genuinely think it may just be my brain being like, "well, here's something you could do" not because it's a GOOD idea or what I want but because I'm feeling fractious impatient that I'm not doing anything or getting anywhere and need something to pour this restless energy into. Probably doesn't help that the world is at a nexus point crossroads and the time of easily reaching what you want (or even holding on to what you already have) is closing and it's going to be hard if the world events don't change course to hold on be able to find and reach what you haven't already claimed for your own life. Time is almost out for deciding and claiming what matters to you to hold onto while the world as it has been unravels so something new can be born from the ashes. Were not quite there but soon -- and knowing from what I've seen how soon is why my brain has been feeling letting him go is the kindness so he can cling to whatever or whoever IS in his life he would build his future with whatever comes down the fatelines. NOT because it's anything he wants or I want or anything he's done -- just honesty with myself about the potential fatelines and time being almost past for claiming what you want from this world before everything changes and me feeling restless fractious that damnit I should be DOING something right now and the energy building up in me spilling outside my control so constantly.

Like let me just preface everything in this post with owning that's been circling in my thoughts the last few days as maybe the best thing I could do by him and for no damn good reason and me knowing it's a bad idea and that nothing is pushing me to think that way other than feeling like nothing is happening and so nothing ever will so I need to figure out SOMETHING I can do with all this energy stuck inside me. Not right NOW, but it's how I have been the last several days and me fighting myself not to listen to that sort of thinking since it's not productive of anything I actually WANT. And I can't say how much of that has been reaching him echoing inside him, because that's something he would know but I would only if he told me, but I will be honest that it's something inside me I've been wrestling with the last several days now.

I saw Eric's email from earlier today and reflected, "Well. I don't really have the money right now to spend on this, but he's worked really hard and that deserves something. And genuinely I am curious want to see it, so let me go check it out make this happen." And let me tell you, it's not lack of enthusiasm or curiosity on my part, but for the life of me I couldn't get the damn thing to let me register no matter how I tried.... 

Granted I was on my phone and no wifi, but also, it would not let me register for the life of me either in the afternoon or later tonight when I tried. First I tried just the button and it told me I didn't have access granted to that page unless I had an admin login and I was just like, "alright cool, maybe it's not up yet so I will try later." Same problem later. So then I was like, alright, well then, I guess I will try his pay any amount way but no matter what combination of boxes I checked, it told me "Unable to submit. Please try again." Then I finally thought I had succeeded when it told me "Unable to submit. User already exists under this email." BUT it had a login button.And I was like, "okay but also no I don't....at least not that I've been successful at doing...but login screen is new, let me see what that does." So then this login screen gave me the opportunity to sign up so I figured I would try it when it said "no user for this email found" and I clicked on sign up and there I got to what seemed like where I wanted to be -- a screen with a choice for signing up for either of two plans, one time $38 full access which would include the new album and other things or just one time $25 for the filmed concert thing. And so I decided to just do the full access since it included the album once it's ready for $13 and why pay more later before even looking at the other things. Ok, so that takes me to a fairly normal ordering page and I was like, "I don't really want to pay via my phone, I don't trust apps and website security on my phone so maybe I'll do this later. But who know if I can even find this page later to make it let me try..." And JUST as I decided to stand up to go get my card, the entire payment processing portion of the page disappeared and the widget box was replaced with the sad/dead computer mac icon. At this point, I was just dumbfounded because of course it did that but also "wth even made it break?!" but ended up with the penny drop of laughter instead of frustrated anger and I decided that it was sign for me not to do it right then. 

So I gave up and accepted it as a sign that I'm not allowed to sign up for that or give him money right now and took the dog outside to go potty for a short brisk walk not even around the full circle. (Waffles is a mutt we think to be standard dachshund-beagle-maybe Jack Russell terrier mix, she has almost no hair on her belly or the insides of her short little legs so she gets cold super easily and her paws/legs will freeze up if she's outside too long when it's too cold so I have to really limit her time outside in winter. She was born in Texas and spent her life in Seattle area with my sisters family until she became my dog, so she didn't really experience below 30F much until I brought her to Wisconsin.) 

I genuinely cannot tell you if the problem is the site or the problem is me.... Whenever I have strong emotions (especially when I'm angry) electronics and lightbulbs have a really hard time functioning around me and I get the wildest errors trying to do anything.... I'm not allowed to touch the security system to leave work when annoyed after one time messing it up so badly at 2am my da had to come in get on the phone with them and then the cops showed up even though adt swore they had turned that off and none of the error codes being generated existed and then after I calmed down the board just suddenly chirped and the error codes disappeared and everything worked as if it none of this had happened. I have to be SUPER careful not to even get slightly irritated while traveling or the entire plane gives weird electrical errors that can't be debugged and everyone has to deplane and wait for another plane... It happened again on my way back from Seattle via Detroit when I got annoyed at the mom across the aisle from me not making her very sick with a fever kid wear a mask or even cover her mouth just kept promising her they'd be home soon. And we were already backing out of the gate when I got super annoyed at the irresponsible mom when I was already worrying about the weather witching of the freezing rain in Madison we were heading to land in and then they got crazy errors and couldn't disengage the brakes and ground crew couldn't figure it out and we all deplaned waited a few hours and I just accepted that mom was going to be the way she is and better to get the damn flight over with than be stuck in Detroit all day or overnight.... I also brick electric cars when I get angry/frustrated/stressed. And I can't wear any type of watch or fitness tracker because the moment I get mildly irritated, the battery dies even on a "dumb" watch let alone how I brick all smart watches put on me within a week of me trying them.  It's a me probably when I get annoyed or mildly irked, me angry or frustrated is even worse..... 

Anyway. I don't feel particularly surge of quick flareup of anger right now recently BUT I have been low level short fused simmering anger since the Nov election and even more so since Jan 20 and it's taken all my control every time he does something new the pain it will cause for me to clamp down my anger before I destroy things I can't fix. My fuse is VERY short right now and I keep electric shocking things including visible static arcing well over a foot without even touching the thing.... My phone has been having the damnedest time connecting to cell towers, I can't get into my voicemail right now (but I often can't and they can't fix it because it won't recognize any attempts to force reset a new password the only answer AT&T/cricket have is for me to get a different phone number when my voice ail can't be accesses), pictures with me make either me or everyone and everything outside my personal auric energy bubble blurry like they're moving even if they were perfectly still like out of phase motion blurred, I blue screened and restarted a couple machines at work this week, I have had multiple lights pop and go out from me being too near them both in the stairways/halls/garage of my building and at work, I was locked out of my gmail for over a week on any computer couldn't get login screens to load or login when I tried (worked fine with other people typing in the site or logging in for me but the moment I touched it it turned unresponsive logged out wouldn't load a login screen) and my phone gmail stayed connected but would only display the 20 most recent emails and nothing older or refresh it until new emails came in to repopulate the list, I fried a couple different credit card readers trying to get gas and food a couple times this week so badly they had to be reset and I handed the card to the person working told them I seemed a bit sticky so not to let me touch it after me locking two different card readers/registers of theirs before trying the third one, I made the picture and sound distort at Culver's sitting too near the tv until I moved, at Cooper's before seeing Shucked I made the satellite feed distort crackle every time I tried to watch the soccer match on the tv directly in front of me until I decided to just look down ignore the tv and I kept locking up the terminal at the bar right behind where they seated me until the manager decided to have all cards run on the other terminal until they could figure it out, at my parents house last night their internet kept dropping every time I had any flux of emotions, I tried to turn my new laptop on earlier this morning to input some books and put George Winston on for the cat but it was cycle booting very slowly trying to find security options or something not loading windows properly so I will bring it in to work tomorrow see if I can get my dad to help.... O and this errored multiple times while trying to write it holding the phone to tap it in so it took me over an hour to finish because it kept losing segments of it. And time is flowing extra wobbly wobbly dilated/contracted around me or any plans involving me. And the cat was absolutely INSISTENT I can't drive anywhere or leave today has been guarding me and the door violently -- right now Waffles is asleep to the left of me and Spock is asleep to the right of me. Both contemplated hopping up on my lap for snuggles but even without a blanket on me they got static zapped when they put their noses within a couple inches of my leg and when they hopped up every time I pet them they were getting zapped the whole length of them by my right hand petting them or being within a foot of them. So the problem might be me....

Basically. I generally try to handle me experiencing irritation/anger/temper by hermitting myself until I'm back to my inner tranquility before I break expensive things that can't be fixed or easily replaced. It's also why I'm more likely to retreat into myself let go decide "I don't need this in my life" if someone's behavior choices infuriate me to protect them and everything electrical around me if I let that person's behavior choices keep getting under my skin. But in situations where I have to interact with the world or prolonged conflict sources of anger, well, this is what happens with the bleed over of raw power/energy I can't contain or control while my temper is raw.

So. What I'm saying. Is. right now, I am completely unable to setup a login for myself on Eric's site for his concert video and/or album and nothing I try is working  even trying to sign up to pay any way you can and I don't think I have any sort of account setup but it thought I did and now I may a partially setup unfinished account so my email may not work in it.... And I have no idea if the problem is the site/coding or me being the one trying to set me up a login..... I will try to remember to try again later as I do very much want these things, or at least I think I do, but also, sorry if I don't because me getting frustrated right now is really messing sh*t up... And I don't know how to fix this for me right now so I'm just setting it aside for future me to deal with.... But I don't know if future me will have any better luck with electronics and technology than present me this week.

So now I'm going to carefully set the phone aside far outside my auric field, drink my lavender latte black tea (from the Plum Deluxe advent calendar; it did entertain and delight me today to realize my intuitive "let's start this Feb 1" meant it turns out I'm counting down to Eric's birthday on the 25th apparently, lol), and go back to reading my Octavia Butler novels (I never read the Patternist series though I picked it up years ago (all of them but Survivor which they didn't reprint and is hard to find and/or several thousand dollars for used copies online) and have been saving since you only get to read a novel for the first time once but I decided this Black History Month was a good time to read some Octavia Butler and I wanted something new as my novel distractions not rereads right now.) I'll probably pour me some whiskey or scotch in a tuath or glen cairn to sip since I'm staying home tonight, maybe the Highland Park Viking Honour or Spirit of the Bear (though I can't get more Spirit of the Bear unless someone travels to/through the UK for me to get it at a duty free store....)

*Sigh* I'm sorry. I'm not TRYING to go all Carrie make things difficult with him trying to share what he's been working on.... This is just my life dealing with anything electronic or energy conducting whenever I lose my calm, it's part of why I like to surround myself with real books to read and plants and art and sketching/painting on paper/canvas and crystals and things made of wood/ceramic and natural textiles and acoustic instruments, and the world has been really pushing me to a point of suppressed rage where very little in the modern world is working for me. I'm also never allowed to cook, not even to boil water for tea or coffee, when I get angry because everything burns. Even pots/pans and kettles burn or crack to fall apart.... 

I'm gonna read and drink my tea and maybe some whiskey/scotch and let the world outside my temporal space/time bubble not reach me or exist to me so I don't accidentally destroy things I can't fix in the modern electronics based world that can't handle my raw energy surges whenever I feel any anger strongly and the world is making me feel a lot of rage recently when I try to exist within the modern world.

P. S. 12:21am addendum: 

Went into my email to try to look up something else and saw a followup email from Eric asking if everything was okay or if I'd had technical issues and with a link to finish the purchase. Probably just auto generated standard followup email from an ai, but it made me smile and laugh and I'll reply (probably in too many words because it's too many words or no words with me and never anything in between, lol )

[Post title: Lyrics to the Frank Turner song Get Better ; it's very much of a favorite of mine by one of my forever favorite punk songwriters. I have a thing for exquisite precision of diction and honesty even if it's hard to hear dosed out as a blend of existentialist realism about the present/past and optimism of free will about better choices for the future, all of which Frank Turner serves up consistently in all his songwriting.]

 O man, I said that about how the love pouring in wasn't from the bond and then this evening it was just sort of this nudge and continuously growing rush down that bond welling up of, "Hey. Sorry I've been really focused getting this right, but also this still is. So don't forget about it or me or pretend this isn't here a part of all of it."

It made me laugh the timing of it.

Also, I'm tiiiiired tonight. I hit the weird spot of "if I sleep now, any amount of sleep in the time remaining will leave me more exhausted than just pushing through" in the early morning time gap of needing to shower and time for the curl beast to dry and make breakfast and get ready and then go drop the dog off to go get grandma. Today grandma had both a morning appointment (optometrist/glaucoma specialists) AND an afternoon appointment (primary care; followup for her er visit and my aunt joining us to invoke the POAH (Power of Attorney for Health) because my grandma is no longer mentally competent to make her own choices following this late autumn and winter. That was hard, and my aunt had a REALLY hard time with it was crying about it last night because it was accepting the mini death of who my grandma was to best take care of who she is now and acknowledging that the strong independent feisty Scorpio matriarch she was is no longer with us. I'm not saying that's ever easy, but it was really hard on my aunt. My grandma is easy going singing happy with me (other than occasional kvetching about the cold or being rushed) and it's a bit like caregiving a frail toddler taking her to her appointments now since her Nov covid then Dec noro then Jan move then vasovagal incident -- but even though she's opinionated still about what she doesn't like, she lets it go singing "it is what it is" (a platitude I repeated into her brain when she was more lucid would be impatient with me waiting at doctor's offices until they were ready to see us on their timelines) but it's a very different version of her than the shrewdly intelligent decisive "it's important to have someone who is your advocate with the medical" who understood and knew so much for so long. That said, I did have an hour and a half break mid day to take her back home to her new assisted living community where they saved her a lunch fed her and did her midday eye drops while I took some time by myself to recharge go grab a quick lunch at Culvers (always the mushroom swiss burger and an upgrade to cheesecurds with root beer (even though I'm an always Dr. Pepper girl for sodas everywhere else it's offered) is my go to order -- has been since I was a kid; sometimes single sometimes double depending on how starving I am and when I remember I get onions on it; I did not remember the fried onions today) and then drove over to Pheasant Branch Conservatory to drink my tea and read a little and put the houses across the road at my back while I watched out over the cold frozen watershed and woods, communing with the sleeping marsh/prairie/tress and the living bald eagles soaring above and the wild turkeys who came waddling in for a visit while i was there. It was a good midday break. originally I was just stopping in Culvers to get a shake, either my go to caramel heath shake or the flavor of the day which sounded tasty (caramel peanut butter cup) but after i used the bathroom I decided I would be a more patient better version of my higher sunshine-y self to support my grandma and aunt and grandma's primary care team through an emotionally difficult appointment if I ate something since I had made/eaten breakfast at like 6:30/7am and it was already 1ish.

So I had a single mushroom swiss burger with cheese curds and root beer before heading over to the conservatory to spend time sipping tea and reading a bit but mostly communing with the sleeping plants/trees and the awakened eagles/turkeys. And I was a better me for the afternoon appointment for taking care of my physical and mental/soul recharging needs with that free gift of an hour.

Anyway, I didn't sleep since yesterday during the daytime dreaming and today was a long day caregiving with my grandma and so it just sort of hit me tonight while working with my doggo sleeping next to me just how tired and ready to go home curl up to sleep (perchance to dream) I am. So after I finish this second steep cuppa tea (4th tea of the Plum Deluxe tea Advent calendar; Red Velvet Pu-erh; I'm not generally a Pu-erh fan, it tastes a bit too much like the stinky feet smell of kombucha for my tastes, but this is the second ever other than a pistachio pu-erh from Churchill's that I would say I genuinely like the balance of flavors in it) I think I'll close up call it a night and head home.

Tomorrow night dinner and tickets to see the Broadway tour of Shucked with my parents, Crissy, Sarah, and Mikaela. And then on Thurs, Crissy and Denis will be coming by my work after 5ish for us to have a group cocktails/happy hour, the last one before Sarah has a fairly major foot surgery on the 12th and will be out working from home on bed rest for 4 weeks. 

Also. I just realized. All my wild shamanic dream walking dreams... Neptune and north node have been conjunct at 28 Pisces and Venus having JUST crossed through that conjunction 28/29 Pisces moved into Aries. And all of that happening in my rising sign square my 28 Sag natal Mars-Neptune conjunction. Neptune being dreams/spirituality/divine love and north node being the direction for future growth from where we are now. No wonder I felt my Mars kicking me in the arse "but we're not DOING anything waiting on the unincarnated deities/angels to step in -- let me give them a cosmic holler see why they're doing that" to jumpstart the wyrd shamanic dreamings of this Neptune-north node conjunction.  

This is the sort of thing that makes my skeptical Capricorn moon-Libra sun-Libra mercury rational "yeah, but astrology isn't REALLY real" take a backseat to my Pisces rising-eighth house Scorpio stellium-midheaven Sag stellium with Mars-Neptune conjunct mystic side of me turn sass brat stick its tongue out at the skeptic be like, "Yeah? You're so smart? Splain this synchronicity to me buddy!"

Because yeah. Asking WHY NOT NOW of divine beings when the new moon moved into Pisces nearing this conjunction then having the most vivid strange wyrd but bright light filled shamanic dreams even for me for days on end while the Neptune-north node be conjunct in my rising sign and exact square to the nearly midheaven conjucntion of my natal Neptune-Mars conjunction. Literally written in the stars that one if I had just bothered to look at the current moment chart or catch up on any of the astro podcasts/channels I follow. 

I mean. Honestly. I think it's fucking hilarious and I'm just laughing at me for being instinctive elemental elf witch me and forgetting to check my lived experiences against what's written in the stars to understand the wtf of it. Like, I couldn't write the beautiful alignment of that divine timing if I tried -- put it in a novel and editor would tell you to edit it as too obvious/improbable. (February is a quietly but intensely powerful if you can tap into it beautiful mystical water-fire month as Uranus-Jupiter-Mars moving direct to usher in revolution-luck/expansion-action/fight next month -- WAY less tumultuous than January and March are written into the stars to be.) 

Sometimes I just need those little love nudges from the Universe/Divine like, "you're cute when you get feisty -- but trust me on this, I got you. This truly is going to be so great for you! It's all more beautifully orchestrated than you realize yet from your perspective. But you're gonna love it when you see the elegance of what's unfolding for you.  Didn't you look at the cheat sheets I gifted you?"

P.S. Also. I never have bought anything from Wayfair but somehow ended up on their list.. But this cabinet is 100% my balanced but somehow Elvish fae aesthetic style (though I would want it with real wood not particle board, something with a nicer grain and prettier finish than the ones they offer) even if I wouldn't bring myself to spend the money on it for particle board. AND they have a similar bigger version of the piecework as a TV stand and also a side board version. And I guess as long as I'm asking for it not in particle board and with a pretty grain and a nicer finish, let's just wish some glass fitted in the inside of the pretty piece work so the things on the shelves are better protected from dust accumulating and cats liquidifying climbing on in and playing fetch with doggos getting themselves stuck and breaking the wood trying to get at a ball. Yeah. I would very much love to have that for storing some of my books/crystals/art in the "not the actual library/study but the living room/hallway/bedroom storage spaces."  Something akin to that nicely balanced but slightly exotic fae piece work, but with real wood with a gorgeous grain and a nice finish and some glass behind the piece work to support/protect both the woodwork trellising and whatever you store inside it....

 I have had the wildest dreams, even for me, the last several sleeps across the Imbolc seasonal/astrological cross-quarter between solstice and equinox. (Nothing in the dreams to do with the polar bear, but a whole host of other beings in the shared shamanic dream space.) Absolutely wild. 

It started with me going through a bit of a dark night of the soul questioning myself "Am I wrong to be waiting on a Deus ex machina when this is a problem that incarnating beings have been intimately involved in creating and choosing complicity even if it originated with a nephilim presence breaking through and burrowing backward to hide and change timelines to get us here?" And that culminated in me asking the angels quite directly, "What should I be doing right now?" and being told quite straightforwardly, "Do nothing. Do not yet try to bring the fight to where it hides. Observe and time stamp and give us the coordinates within the 3d matrix to where we exist outside of flow of time in the "all time is the same" matrix so we can arrive act at the scalpel precision point when we are needed to excise this corruption." I also screamed out to the goddess (especially in her Durga form which I re-awakened last year to walk this time as a time of her fight with those who have let the demons in to walk again among humankind and to work through them/control them) asking her, "I have identified them and showed them to you and told you and you agreed you would take them out at the divinely appointed time, but why have you not yet done so?!" and she very calmly told me, "You haven't dug it out completely found all the complicit and all who have chosen to be a vessel serving this energy -- it's still not all yet into the light. You're very close but there are still places and people serving it where it can hide. It must all be brought to the light before I strike or it will burrow back again and we'll be fighting this same fight again in another lifetime which means you will stay in the incarnation to act as my eyes and hands still finishing the mission you incarnated for rather than coming home again. I can't take out the ones marked until all those they are associated with who have been corrupted are brought to the light of my eye and consciousness. Even the ones you think are the worst are still bringing more to the light the hidden ones who are most corrupted. Patience while you're in the incarnations -- if you were here, you would see how you got everything right to enable me to act but when you are NOW is close but not quite there from your perspective. Just keep yourself alive." 

Being told to do nothing and to have patience and wait because it's not yet time is hard... Much harder than ill advised kamikaze strike lifetimes....especially when you identified the muskrat as being among the worst co-opted CHOOSING to do the nephilim's work liking it and a Lex Luther type for nearly a decade now.

Anyway. It was during the dark of the moon I had that inner dark night of the soul and questioning I had and the answers I received to wait because there is still parts I need to dig out mark the timestamp tags bring to light for them, AFTER that, I started having the absolutely wildest wildest dreams..... Last night I connected with a far different incarnating rainbow light species I'd never incarnated among but who have allies and connections among those we consider the fairfolk, who drew me to them in dreamspace to their portion of the dreaming, asked me who I am and how I connected with them along their beam of seeking. After I showed them my light body unincarnating form and told them what function I am serving here in this world's space/time matrix, they asked me to come incarnate amongst them to rest and heal after this incarnating work here on this plane because they have been seeking my light waiting for me to come among them. And they told me to just consider it after I finish the task for which I'm incarnating here, theirs is a desire not a need and I will always be welcome among them whenever I choose to come and they will be waiting to welcome me and will send what/who they can volunteer across space/time to help here in this time/space nexus where the battlefront lies. Then they showed me the space/time of their star around which they are part of the dreaming and from whence they have been seeking me to welcome me incarnating amongst their light beings. They didn't strike me as beings that I should be watchful toward, just ones I'd never personally been in contact with yet along the linear timeline of my soul's incarnations. 

I also had a dream right after that of a new animal companion who came to me told me they are Buthi/Boothi or from/of the "boothi/Buthi" who showed up in loyal dog form within the dream space and acknowledged my actual dog and cat in their sleeping spirit dream forms and Audrey's soul still between incarnations came with the Morrigan to meet the new dog light being in the dream space who all three bowed to and welcomed the new dog light being soul as a loyal protector light being for me. I have never heard before the term Boothi/Buthi and don't know the deity/being haven't worked with it before though it FELT of the energy of those I had connected to through the wormhole in dream space, but the Morrigan confirmed it's an unincarnated light being of loyalty and fierce protectiveness who has chosen to guard and companion me through the remainder of this life or at least through these times of difficulties in the 3d space/time matrix.

I sent out a call a while ago, maybe 20 years or so ago now, for souls who had never incarnated here before to come incarnate and stack the deck during the time of accelerated lessons for the newbie souls who are innocent not part of the contaminated timelines when the rules had to be changed and the stepping stone path created for humanity to continue as a vehicle of incarnation rather than being entirely wiped out as a failed experiment... A LOT more answered the call than I expected. But the lessons have to finish playing out before the new paths that the young souls chose can be walked. I feel like this dreaming is a part of that as well as a response to the ripples across the fatelines of what I did 20 some years ago after my dream of the burning that is why I wrote the poem Cwn Annwn.

Also, my third eye has been full of love light pouring in recently, but it's not from the bond which has actually been quite dormant and quiet since the new moon. Focusing on Diarmaid I feel flow of love down the empath cord to him but I'm not 100% certain from where all of the love light and raw energy flowing into me since the new moon is coming from. It could be a form of divine protection from one of the deities/fey I work with or someone sending me love or the beings on the other side of the dreamspace wormhole who I just connected with in my last sleep. No idea. I just know there's been a lot of it and it doesn't feel like the normal flow down the bond to the polar bear.

 I should have over 22 hours I worked over the weekend that are clocked in for this coming week by the time I go home in a little bit here. That would be my Capricorn moon showing, having over half my hours in for the week before the work week even officially starts, lol. But it's good because I have svd assignments Mon, Tues, and Weds. It means I won't end up staying too late working (other than tonight which I shouldn't have done but here we are.)  I'll probably go to my parents house Mon and/or Tues and/or Fri nights (the nights da has other plans) to watch our dvred nationals of figure skating from over the weekend. And then we'll see where I'm at later in the week for how much introvert time at home I'll give me Thurs/Fri before Imbolc. (Traditionally Imbolc is Feb 1, but also some places celebrate it with Candlemas and Groundhog's Day on the 2. I always celebrate Imbolc on the 1 myself, but to each their own.) or maybe I should see if Mikaela wants to go visit the zoo on Thurs or Fri or take the pup on a relaly nice long walk since the high on Thurs will be in the 50s. (Because highs in the 50s in Madison WI in January are totally normal..... Also totally normal for us to be still in drought in the winter time... We've also had almost no snow this year -- the Gulf of Mexico area around New Orleans has had more snow this winter than south central Wisconsin -- we were being referred to as the "snow donut" because everywhere else except southern Wisconsin/Minnesota/northern Iowa has snow and we were one of the only areas without it.)

O, and I did realize after writing last night was that 2/25 was also the date that Eric said he was planning to release something or do something and to save the date. (Which I guess I already failed at that in the evening given I'll be at Great Dane's Bock Beer School for several hours that night, lol.) I hadn't thought about that the other night though or as a reason why that's when I should start the remaining tea advent calendar. But sure, if you want, that would also count as something I'd be counting down to with my tea advent calendar if I start it on Feb 1 as my intuition has been insisting so I'm planning on doing.

I don't have anything more new to say since last night, but I started writing because I wanted to share last week's and this coming week's astro poets so I don't end up with a big stack of them. I'm not convinced that Libra (my sun) and Pisces (my rising) still seem in dialogue with each other, but maybe I'm looking too close up and I will see in time that they still do.

"Week of 1/19 in Libra: Like the immensity of solitude. You now can be in conversation. Conversation with loved ones and love itself. The clouds speak answers. Answers of hope."

"Week of 1/19 in Pisces: You have a friend. You have many. Put your heart within them now. There can be nothing as beautiful. As the pure love of friendship."

"Week of 1/26 in Libra: You see the finest points. Use them to your advantage. You must learn that the blue and gold is bright news. Everything begins with love. Begin with it."

"Week of 1/26 in Pisces: Everything about you. Is steeped in kindness. Let that stay as it is. Let it all find its way as it should be. In purple."

Hi hi!

Sorry to be a stranger here didn't mean to be. Just... nothing more to write here + ADHD time blindness + not sitting solidly in the present moment when fate lines are slippy + ongoing health issues with my grandma (she fainted vasovagal fell then spent 7+ hours in the ER with my da, nothing conclusive on the tests) + life + several concerts/theatre + introvert recharge hygge time + what was that other thing? O right *gestures broadly at the shitshow of American "policy" makers right now and the harm (present, potential future) to people I care about* I know it's for now not forever, but that doesn't make it any easier to go through the crash course of life lessons that the very young souls are learning  FAST while the continued self outing by their free will choices of the middle aged souls who need to be dealt out of the deck until the new society is created... but also, it gets worse before it gets better... Precogs man. Fast and thick. You probably don't want to know. And people are panicking, but about all the wrong things like a big ole bait and switch. Not that they shouldn't BE panicking about the things they're panicking about IF those things were to become reality once Mars moves forward out of Cancer, but they're MISSING what's hiding in plain sight that they should ACTUALLY be gearing up to fight and panicking about if that fight is lost.

Anyway. Sorry, didn't mean to just disappear for a bit there back into my own silences and my life and those who are choosing to be in it. It happens. (And it will likely happen again.) No major life changes at this time -- still in Madison WI, still not dating anyone, still living and working where I have for a long while, everyone in my life still alive, the cat is eating more and has put back on some weight (though not the muscle he lost, his shoulders are very bony now), I've started putting away the holiday decorations at home because I want to have them away before Imbolc preferably before Lunar New Year (but I promised the cat I would leave the tree and tree skirt out for as long as he wants it to curl up sleep under but the ornaments WILL be put away across the next week), I'm ALMOST done with my tea advent calendars that I paused while visiting my sister's family and then sick BUT I do have the second sets from Crissy's Plum Deluxe tea advent calendar that she repackaged for me in sealed envelopes and gave me a week or so ago so I can try them all. I'm thinking maybe I'll start it on Imbolc. Not that I have anything I know of that I should be counting down to for February 25 (my only for certain plans that day are tickets to Bock Beer School at Great Dane that night with my mum, Crissy, and Sarah) but my intuition is VERY loud certain that Imbolc is the right day to start that advent calendar as a once a day surprise countdown as if Christmas is coming again two months later sooooo why not? I've learned not to fight my intuition when it's THAT certain because it's a fight I always lose, lol. And my intuition says to start the happy surprise of a new tea advent calendar and to do this one as proper one per day advent calendar starting on Imbolc.So that's what I intend to do with it and Feb 25 can tell me that day what it is I've decided I'll be counting down toward across next month, lol. I never can precog happy surprises after all, by my own choice, so maybe my intuition/higher self knows something my conscious mind doesn't.

Anyway. The world is chaotic af right now and that will get worse before it gets better, but I'm still here living my life in the places you should expect to find me based on my patterns thus far this lifetime -- I haven't physically disappeared or anything even while having been silent here. Today I had brunch with my parents then helped go through the last remaining stuff at my grandma's old place help move it out (and saw my Uncle Jeff again briefly when he stopped by for a large painting she had that he wanted nobody else wanted) then the four of us went over to visit grandma right down the road nearby and spent a logn while visiting and having a good chat with grandma and some of the other residents there. (It was the first time Uncle Jeff, who is a Pisces with a surprising amount of water in his chart but you'd never guess it first meeting him because he interacts with the world gruff combative takes no shit from anyone like an Aries, had been there.) And then midafternoon headed back into work where my dog is to get a jump on hours in the week across the weekend. because I currently have SVD assignments for the Feb primary on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday this week so those will be "old people patience cheerful days" for me and plans to get together at my office for sparkly cocktails and sparklers to celebrate the Lunar New Year with my parents, Sarah, Crissy, Denis, Karissa, the doggos, and Mikaela if she comes in to join us. So by end of the week I'll be happy to have my hours in and get some introvert time for Thurs/Fri. The week after that, my grandma has two appointments on Feb 4 and then on Feb 5 I have tickets to see Shucked Broadway tour at Overture Hall with my parents, Crissy, Sarah, and Mikaela.

I'll try to remember to write here before so much time passes again -- but no promises. The world is in turmoil and chaos which will get worse before ti gets better, but actually right now my inner seas are quite calm and the bond is wide open strong pouring love back and forth along it seems stroner as time passes and I mostly just feel...full of trust in waiting on the unfolding to see which new chapter ACTUALLY opens into my life with the turning into the next season. I don't know who or how or why, but I feel like there's a brand new chapter finally about to open for me and everything is going to change into a new form I can't see yet before the next solstice (maybe even before the equinox?)  I could be wrong, after all I haven't SEEN anything to confirm it it's just an inner tranquility and excitement, and that's just what my inmost truest self is feeling right now.

K, back to work now until whenever the dog and I head home. 

 It's worth me acknowledging something. And that's this: 

It may be true that trying to let go of Eric so he wouldn't be caught in the middle of the consequences made by his sister in the bands name was a factor in me being more flirtatious and wanting a relationship worth carving out time to include in my life BUT it's also been a while since I last dated and it wasn't like I was actively seeking out options or even making online profiles or anything. I still hold to my "no dating anyone when I can see the end before the beginning" stance I took towards casual dating. BUT that doesn't mean there was (or is) anything casual in my interests, especially in a case like Diarmaid who only just crossed my path in this life this August. My interest is that he is among the types of men I'm attracted to and in what I've observed of him as a person and the way he lights up in joy and that he makes me laugh and shook loose only happy past life memories between us and that he has only been a source of happy surprises in my life thus far. I mean, all of that is still true and my caution is merely questioning my desire to jump from attracted interest into something more being influenced by knowing if I was in another relationship I could more firmly close door say no to Eric trying to get in and reach me via the bond. I remain very very attracted drawn to Diarmaid (even with the age gap) and I still light up grinning whenever I see him in things shared to socials and I'm excited to know for a fact I will get to see him in person again mid-March (it will actually be on an eclipse, lol.) 

I'm not a saint, and while I may be picky in who attracts me as long as I'm single I don't think I'm doing anything wrong entering into flirtations, dating, or even casual no consequences making out just for fun. Any assumption of monogamy about me does require choosing me and being clear in that choice that it's me you want so we should both trust each other to be monogamous. If you're choosing to date other people, I don't consider myself under any obligations toward you and I won't be just pining around waiting -- I consider myself free as a lark to do whatever I want with anyone my fancy lights on as long as it's mutually consensual. The same goes for if you want to choose me but for some reason you keep not doing it so have left me single. The only obligations I would ever consider is toward whoever I have an actual tangible real world 3d romantic entanglement and relationship with and those obligations are only valid as long as there is trust and communication and mutual desire choosing each other within the relationship. 

You have no claim on me or on the choices I make if you aren't choosing to build a romantic relationship built on mutual trust with me. Which means you don't have to like it, but you have fuck all say in whatever I do or don't decide to do with Diarmaid (or anyone of interest to me) if I am single at the time I'm making my choices surrounding a physical presence in each other's lives. 

If you don't like it, make choices and act on them before opportunities open up for a single me to choose to build a relationship elsewhere for however long it lasts. Similarly, no hard feelings if I'm not in a relationship with you and you choose to build one with someone else -- I will mentally class you amongst the "unavailable" and lose sexual interest in you if you're with someone else in a (presumed) monogamous way (and I only accept people are ACTUALLY poly if the primary romantic partner tells me they are and they're cool with it.)  if you want me, you better damn well choose me and make it clear and be ready to act on that desire -- because until you do I'm going to consider us both free to be distracted and pursue the opportunities of other relationships with other people we are attracted to.

You don't have to like it, but it's both honest and fair. If you don't choose me and act upon that choice/desire, know that I consider myself free to take opportunities with others I am attracted to and don't see the end before the beginning. And that includes Diarmaid if there's mutual attraction there sparking enough to act upon -- and regardless any choices anyone makes in the next months, I will definitely be seeing Diarmaid again in person in mid March.

I don't have much to say right now. Now that I'm sitting here, I'm sure I can write lots of things here using lots of words and run on sentence-thought fragments because air sun sign with ADHD, but I don't actually have much that I feel I need to say, if that makes sense...

Regarding the subject of the recent posts this new year, I find myself at an inner place of balance and with all that strong love pouring in down the bond just the same no matter what the overthinking might be doing. The strong flow of the bond has been just a constant constant regardless the tumult and analysis/overthinking inside me. 

And tonight my head is currently quiet so I don't feel the need for lots of words to try to understand my own self or to try to explain to anyone else to understand it.... My head is very much in a bit of this aloof place, "Look, I've said my piece, and I stand by it. If you need to wait on evidence to sort this out make sense of it, then we'll wait. But allow me my skepticism until then and don't say I didn't warn you."

And my heart just doesn't need words, it's just sitting there in its corner basking in the love pouring in and pouring back love down the bond just as strongly as it's coming in, all happy and smug certainty, "I know what I know and what I know IS. You'll see." 

So i don't have any more words born out of my overthinking or over feeling or uncertainty inside me what I should be listening to -- the truce is holding inside me around "either this is too important to fuck up or it doesn't matter at all, either way no action will make things clearer -- so let's wait and see for evidence and what he has to say about his own truths before we jump to any conclusions, let alone leap into impulsive actions we can't undo."

 And right now I don't have much else in words to share about. Um. My practical real world? No new news about the neighbors downstairs... which maybe means I should poke at my agent ask if I should be doing anything but the whole situation just exhausts me dealing with it and them and worrying now about everything they do downstream trying to blame it on me upstairs... I'm just tired by that now that they've shown their colors that way. Also. Polar vortex coming down (and no snow to protect the sleeping plants underground so I'm very scared about the perennials not surviving but I'll find out in Spring based on what does and doesn't come up, just like everyone else) the next few days then a warmup then even colder. So my plan on Tuesday into Wednesday is to stay home hygge it up, lay a fire in the hearth, make a big batch of chili and stay home cozy as cozy can be.  Packers lost today which is sad, but also it means that football playoffs won't be much impacting my calendar. Next shows for me are symphony on Friday and then down to Chicago on the 19th to see Byrne Brothers at IAHC.  Then it's going to get stupidly stupidly cold the two days following during which I'd normally stay home hygge it up but my grandma actually has appointments both days that are already rescheduled from when she got COVID so can't/shouldn't get rescheduled despite how cold it will be... (podiatry afternoon on 20, optometry morning on 21.) Perhaps I can push the return of the polar vortex a bit later but with the rising hot air off the fires on the coast, there's a lot of volatility pushing around the jet stream and the polar vortex chill...  Weather witching is trickier and trickier even to hold things steady let alone push them around within the new climate paradigms.... And my cat hasn't been eating as much as he should the last couple days, which happens with ckd especially when they get nauseous from toxin buildups since the kidneys are so damaged in ckd kitties, so I'm worrying a bit about him but not enough (yet) to call the vet or take him in or ask for a prescription of liquid ghrelin (hunger hormone) as an appetite stimulant for him -- but getting close enough to worried to consider stopping by the vet to pick up some kidney care soft food to see if that can tempt him with him not eating kibble or softened kibble recently... On verra. But also, I swear to G-d, if he keeps going downhill and dies on Jan 21, the same day just two years later that Audrey Pupburn died, my heart is going to hurt so hard over that grieving.... Later in the week, I do have to go over to my grandmas old place with my parents see what (if anything) that remains I'm interested in now that the kids have had their opportunities to make choices/demands before things end up heading to thrift store charity shops. And I need to take care of that damn headlight and oil change and tire rotation for the car -- and decide what I'm going to do about switching from the Scion to the black Prius... Before we get too late in the Spring. because right after I got back, i found that the dial for the temperature is stuck all the way on heat and it doesn't feel like "needs wd-40" stuck it feels like "if you force this you will snap a piece of plastic that renders this entirely useless" but while I'm still in blasting heat at varying intensities NOW, it's only a few months before even defrosting the front windshield will definitely NOT be wanting heat... before we even talk about summertime heat, lol.  And I'm over 120,000 miles on it which is quite a lot... Also the black prius at work isn't really being used or driven much at all. I hate dealing with this sort of adulting stuff... I'm not interested in shiny new cars or trying to find the best deals or whatever... it's not me. I want things that will work and last and can be patched up kept going serviceable. My soul ain't built for throw away culture new new new buy buy buy constantly consumerist shiny shopping.

 Anyway. Unrelated to that practical quotidian stuff I need to put some energy into and deal with now that I'm all the way better not even residual cough or anything... But damn, Astro Poets Horoscope coming in fire and on point (yet again) this coming week on the THEME -- I think we're getting just about a year now of Astro Poets being on a theme and intertwined mirroring back and forth between Libra and Pisces poetry horoscopes for the coming week... It feels a bit like being told "How many times do I gotta repeat myself for you to get it and believe me?! Okay, here we go again. Listen up!"  It actually made me laugh really hard when I read the ones for this week because it was such a "you listening yet? Not yet? Okay then, a bit louder for those in the back then. ARE YOU LISTENING YET?!"

"Week of 1/12 in Libra: The scope of it is the imagination. The peaceful feeling is the stars. What sways in the trees is everything. Love rebounds. Love calls itself over and over again."

"Week of 1/12 in Pisces: Some pretty song. Why not sing it now. What not feel what you must. Call a friend or two. Call a friend to tell you what to say now."

I mean, c'mon. That's pretty funny being so on theme as the advice for the coming week, right?

P. S. 5:05am addendum: 

Spocky is eating his kibble! Of his own volition and quite a bit of it! Not his kidney care kibble (which is bigger sized) but some of his remaining Fromm kibble which the vet and I agreed that I can leave out for him as well until it's gone. (He's motivated by human food but has never eaten cat food to excess or been overweight so he's a free feeder always has food out which I refill whenever things seem to be getting low, so the level in his food dishes is more than he would eat if limited portion sizes at set times. It makes it a little tougher to gauge the amount he's eating but still obvious when he stops or isn't eating enough to require refilling.). Anyway, him eating this morning is a relief for me from the worry I've had about his food levels not really going down very much and him not pooping in his box (only peeing) the last few days.

 Really I ought to ask myself why I always come back to spending so much of my energy and time going round and round in circles on questions I can't answer and on such a muddle of feelings about a man who most likely doesn't even know my name in this life.... Because either the bond pulls on both of us taut like a string waiting to be plucked in which case all my overthinking confusions just amplify resonances of uncertainty and confusion in him and muddy up any clear sounding truth he might have OR it's something that only exists in my head in which case any and everything pertaining to it is a waste of any amount of investment I put into it. Either it matters so much that it deserves my faith in it to be as clear hearted and clear headed as possible OR it matters so little that I need to chuck it all out to focus my energy/time into something productive or at least useful to myself. 

There's no in between on this. Either it matters so much I shouldn't be fucking it up by doubting him/the bond between us or it matters so little I need to stop feeding it because it consumes too much of my life force spent in dithering about in circles over it....

And recognizing that truth should make it easier...but somehow it doesn't.... Because I can't make up my mind to either, there's no evidence to support one over the other, and it's like Schrodinger's thought experiment with both conclusions existing simultaneously equally likely and no way for me to open the damn box to learn the truth of what is....

And giving up on him seeking me only leads to distracting myself or eventually losing myself in the hollows of the hopeless empty spaces. And believing in him seeking me is all euphoric til doubts creep into me and I start questioning if it's all a delusional lie I tell myself and nothing to do with his truth -- and then I just feel the most intense need to know the truth whether I like it or not. What matters is to find the truth....  And I can't think or feel my way to learning this truth and waiting on learning it has taken so damn long. And it just makes me feel so stuck..... And feeling stuck makes me want to do something, anything, no matter how idiotic or working at cross purposes to what I genuinely want, in the hopes it might get me unstuck.

*sigh* Why is my brain so stupid full of doubts about him? And why is my heart so stubborn full of certainty about him? And why can't I seem to ever have anything concrete to hold onto as a truth solid enough to use as a foundational corner stone to build into the future that comes next? And why does it feel sometimes like the battle is just me trying to choose between self sabotage or delusional thinking -- and that in the worst case scenarios even that only matters to me affects nobody else at all? Why can't I just learn the truth of his isness on this -- and in the aftermath of that knowing, all the whys and hows and what ifs can sort themselves out once the truth is understood?

Maybe I should go make some coffee and food.  If nothing else, it should distract to calm at least a little bit the agitation and urgency in me about wanting an answer to know the truth NOW. Because I'm certainly not getting anywhere to soothing that with words or thoughts or feelings of my own creation right now....

And through all that wanting to know NOW.... My truest truth of all is that I wish he were here so I could wrap my arms around him in the biggest "never letting go of you" hug and tell him, "I love you. I see you. I believe in you. I'm proud of you. And I know whatever you set your heart on you will make real. And I'm trying to hear you and what that means for you." And to keep telling him those truths of mine until he's certain of them knows them as deeply as I know them.

 It's probably worth me stating:

1) Nothing in the physical quotidian has shifted at this time, there is nothing in the physical everyday 3d world that I know of that has brought our lives even the slightest bit closer together.

2) None of the issues created six years ago have been resolved or even faced/discussed or even shown any shifts towards healing, and this is probably the biggest source of questioning/fear/mistrust inside me that create the uncertainty and hesitation in regards to reacting from what my inmost self desires/feels. It remains the source of my logical rational conscious brain ego getting rather nihilistic saying, "but there is no place for me and no welcome in his life and what matters most to him he has built his life around, so I need to let him go and give this up." And I don't have an answer or solution to either the mess that was made OR the streak of fatalistic martyrdom that rises up in me trying to be practical about reality as it is in this nexus of time/space as a consequence of these third party choices that were made.

3) I refer as "shared dream space" to the realms of shamanic woodlands/caverns/shorelines/deserts/arctic snowscapes where I encounter old gods/goddesses, fey, souls seeking me in their animistic soul version that transcends any given body/life because it's a place of wanderings and meeting and lessons and prophetic visions of things I can't/don't see in my waking self hours. And also because what happens there is true isn't just my own personal dream space where I only have lucid dreams or memories of past selves. BUT the shamanic "shared" dream space realm where other souls reach me in vision forms doesn't mean it's properly shared. I don't know that.... Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, I quite honestly don't know. I call it "shared" because it's the place in dreams where my eternal higher self encounters and dialogues with other eternal higher selves, but I don't know if they remember/experience the encounters as i do in a proper sharing of events/memories/dreams. I only know the deeper truths I learn there and who can reach me in that space but i don't KNOW if the other souls I encounter there ALSO experience the same shared dream space truth revelations or if this is a product of my subconscious and higher self communication with other ascended/higher selves. I just don't know, I've never talked to anyone I've encountered there about these shamanic vision dream lessons and if they experience them when I do and when I meet up with them in "shared" dream space. I DO know that the fairfolk only meet up with me there at certain times of alignment in the seasons/astronomy and usually for specific reasons BUT the old gods/goddesses can always find me there any time they want be summoned at any time (though they won't always come when called, they're not pets) AND however it works with the bond between us, the polar bear is the one consistent incarnating soul that can ALWAYS reach me find me in dream space IF he wants to find me there and we sleep at the same times.  That's a just him thing. Whether he experiences/remembers the shared dream space vision dreams as well I don't know, but I do know that any time his soul/higher self reaches for me tries to find me that way with messages or things I want to know or just out of longing for me (as well as when there are things I need to observe/come to terms with in his choices) he is always on the paths I wander even if I myself didn't have any goal in the shamanic dream space that I was heading toward, I was just wandering through it....  I don't know that there's anyone I could ask about it other than my polar bear to find out if he also experiences the shared dream space dreams when I experience them, and that's a weird thing to ask when there's no real lines of communication open between us in the 3d quotidian lives as we have been living them....

4) I don't actually know what he wants for his life or if I'm any part of it. He's never actually told me. All I have is trying to balance between inner KNOWING (which could just be delusional lying to oneself) and dreams versus logic based rationalizing the absence of anything more concrete..... Which are all forms of assumptions and I do know that and recognize it's bad to act/react from assumptions. But I don't have anything else more concrete to work with to know what it is he wants for himself and would choose, and I recognize it just as I recognize the unknowingness and the assumptions of what I have to work with creates volatility in my action/responses because they're assumptions not solid evidence/knowledge and I don't have anything more concrete to work from.

5) Of all the things that filter through my inner soundscape, what plays inside me in his voice most often (especially in the morning hours) is just the fragment, "Don't you know I dream about you?" and just that fragment. Not sure if it's his truth or my brain feeding me what it wants me to hear/pay attention to... I don't know why but I do know is and it happens WAY more often than mere chance. Even when I'm telling myself to let him go and not give energy/attention to him because he's not in my actual life, there's still lots of mornings that it swims through my inner soundscapes for no reasons whatsoever.

I guess.... the best I can explain where I'm at is that... I can't help loving him wanting the best brightest happiness for him that he can find and choose and make his, that's just an isness truth about me BUT I don't know what that is for him or what it is he wants or how that manifests for him in his 3d lived experiences... So the best way for me to feel that, especially given the other variables in play (mostly the absence of real world ties between us in our daily lives and the bridges burned by third party interference/choices six years ago that's never healed or even been acknowledged/discussed) is to trust that he knows himself and his own needs/wants/desires better than I or anyone else could know these things and for me to let go of my own selfishness and desire and expectations and hopes and preconceptions, just accept that what is is and what will be will be but without knowing more I can't take action toward that end other than letting go of what's not for me not in my life in order to discover what IS for me, what DOES choose to be in my life.

Which is maybe unfair.... but it's the best way I have come up with for me to navigate the unknowns of this all and the pull of the bond between our souls and the fact that the complications were created around me not being welcomed/wanted by others in parts of HIS life (not him being unwelcome in any aspects of my life) therefore it's for him to decide what in his life he DOES or DOES NOT want me in because at the end of the day it's his life and his choices that are the unknown questions here. Because. What right do I have to try to fight or advocate for me being in his life despite what other people have chosen/done unless it is also born from what HE wants/chooses/needs for his own life? I don't have that sort of hubris in me.... Not without knowing that he wants me there and chooses to have me in it because that's his choice so my want isn't just me being selfish in the face of what others (who maybe know him better than I do after all) chose for him. My selfish wants/choices aligning with his wants/choices would be enough for me to hold tighter and to fight for my place in his life, but only if it's what he would choose for himself for his own life. But not if it's just my selfish desires making the choice... Only if his choice and my choice are the same do I feel I'd have the right to hold on to him... And  his choices are HIS choice(s), not mine, not his sister's, not the bands, not anyone's but his..... And I don't know what his choices are, so it's for me to hold space without projecting anything of my own assumptions/ego/needs to learn that (or not learn it) as he decides to make his choices known. 

No matter what dream space may tell me, it's for him to make clear what he desires/chooses for himself not for me or anyone else to try to pressure him or project onto him our desires/choices that our egos might think best for him. It's about what he decides to choose for himself. Anything else is inauthentic and choosing a wrong headed path if it's not what he wants or would choose for himself and his life....

*shrugs* Maybe it's not fair... But I know that I will always choose him, in any life, if he's among the options available and open to me. I know my truth and my choices if he's among the options for me and a shared life path. I know myself and I know my choices and I know what I will do when faced with hard  choices where I can't have what I want just have to choose the best of not great options. What I don't know is his truth, his choices in this life. But I trust him to know better than anyone else could what his truest self desires/needs and that whatever he chooses will be his truth in any given space/time for what he needs in that time/space, no matter what I or anyone else think/feel about his choices. I trust him to know himself and to always come back to his truest self, even if it sometimes requires him taking the time to go back to finding out what his truest self IS outside what others have told him to be or to desire or to do.  And it's from that place of trust that I sit in the  void of "I will give you space/time to define your choices for yourself and chase wherever that leads you -- but until this is made clear to me what your choices are, I'm going to let you be free and focus on what IS in my life and what chooses to share space/time with me." Because as long as he's not wanting me enough to choose having me in his life, then my energy/love/time is better invested elsewhere in the places where I AM desired and chosen and wanted. For both our sakes and what's genuinely in the best interests for both of us.

P.S. Natally, I have my Mars and Neptune conjunct at the exact same degree and it's right near my MC in Sagittarius -- which means that my will to action is very closely tied to and motivated by my intuition/dreams/spirituality/delusions in a truth seeking way and my highest career/external world path is as the philosopher asking why and going for the big picture unexplored areas. It's a wyrd natal placement, even my birthday twin best friend has her exact Mars-Neptune conjunction near her ascendant but not at the midheaven -- I've never met anyone else with Mars-Neptune-midheaven conjunction like mine...(Incidentally Neptune conjunct your midheaven is one of the strong psychic/empath/energy working placements.) But anyway, given this truth about my natal placements, especially with Libra sun Pisces rising seeing every side of things decision paralysis, if you want to move me to action you have to engage my dreamy/spiritual/intuitive side fuel it with optimism and hope. That's really the spark of ignition to motivate me to action for my life path, especially in pursuit of my own desires and even understanding my own desires/motives.

Look into my eyes, You will see, what you mean to me. Search your heart, search your soul, When you find me there, you'll search no more. Don't tell me it's not worth trying for. You can't tell me it's not worth dying for. You know it's true. Everything I do, I do it for you.

I would just like to be very VERY clear for the record.... This is the strongest and steadiest and certain and most constantly powerfully heady and deep the flow of love down the bond that it's been in a really long while, probably close on a year since I have anything this comparably strong a tide (and then it wasn't for this long and steady, that's probably been most like since autumn 23 when he suddenly broke back through to reach me and I can't even remember how long ago it was before that.) And I don't know why, I just know is. 

Also. It's waking AND dreamspace right now that's he's so steady and certain and strong in his love reaching me. I did have a rather important polar bear dream in the last week or so since I got back home again, I don't remember exactly which sleep (sorry but I don't -- being sick I was sleeping a lot more than usual so my body could heal so the sleeps all rather blend together now that I'm on this side of convalescence.) It also wasn't the only him reaching me while I slept over the last week.  But this particular one, probably worth sharing about. Because, it's probably the most confidently certain in himself that I can remember him being in a long time (maybe ever) in dream space to an extent that verged on sassy but in a sweet sort of way. So in the dream, he was just waiting there patiently on the path I was walking in the dream, I just went around a curve in the path and he was just right there without me having any warning or anything he was there, just around the curve and so sudden that I would have walked full force right into him if he hadn't been expecting/waiting for me and just caught me in a big bear hug. And before I could react or say anything with the sudden unexpectedness of it, he just started in with his message, "I heard you before and I understand your point. But, do you WANT me? Right now? Because if you do, then stop pushing me away, stop walking away -- stop giving up before I can convince you I know myself this time. Stay with me long enough for me to show you why you can trust that THIS time there IS a path forward together. I just need to know, do you still want me?" And it just so startled me broke through all the overthinking conclusions connected right to to the core of me, soul to soul, and I just started crying into him finally able to tell him (rather brokenly. "Yes. yes of course I want you. I always do. Trying to let you go and walk another path without you is the hardest thing I've ever made myself do. Every time. No matter the reasons. This is what I always want."

And he just lit up the brightest most luminous soul glow and hugged me tighter stroked my hair and gave the biggest sigh, "Good. That was what I needed to know. I needed to know that hadn't changed. That was the only doubt I had that I could create my path to you and with you from here."

And so at the dream space soul level (NOT the head vs heart level, which is an awake me overthinking mess still) I made the choice of love and trust and that, at least in shared dream space when he finds me there, to choose him for as long as he's choosing me to move forward from here. 

Which probably made the honesty about the overthinking head vs. heart trying to figure out how not to be hurt/repeat painful patterns much more confusing out of left field-y given how easy and certain the soul level communication was upon reaching me like that. It's not so much contradictory, one is just more higher self certainty level communication and the messiness of translating that down to the real world conscious ego fear-listening "which lesson am I supposed to be learning form all this?! I don't want to have to keep getting beat up over the same lessons I'm not learning" place.

I have more practical quotidian things I could (should?) write about. But also, I'm tired suddenly hit me like woah -- and as I get more and more tired I can feel down the bond his soul reaching out already asleep full of love and my own soul response reaching back to him because in sleep it's all so much easier and possible right now.

I'm gonna finish up here at work and get myself headed home andcuddel into that love pouring in down the bond and to snuggle down in bed with my fur babies sprawled across me like my own personal weighted blanket (they're STILL constant velcro mode) for me to get some sleep, perchance to dream.

P.S. Yes. I know how serious those fires are in California. I precogged them and how bad this gets before it gets better, but they haven't had me panicky like Hurricane Helene did. Even with cousins still in the L.A. area (though one of them is moving back home very soon and the other travels for work a lot) who I haven't heard from to make sure they're safe. (It's mostly Malibu area so far, but also, it's bad and those winds mean it will move FAST and unexpectedly...) Which is curious... I still haven't figured out why that one had me reacting so strongly to its imminence of threat even though I was far away from it and none of the precogs had shifted of the natural disaster damages and I knew of nobody I love have empath cords with who was there.

[Post title: lyric to the Bryan Adams song Everything I Do (I Do It For You). That song came on the radio on Sunday when I was driving home from work after the Packers game and going out for my da's birthday dinner. and when I heard it on the radio, firstly it made me go all sappy soft weak in the knees then secondly it reminded me of the polar bear, especially the way he's been showing up in dream space since I got back home and in particular his very determined message in that dream I told part of in this post. And then the song keeps playing on loop inside me head whenever it's quiet around me, only the version I'm earworms with is him covering it which is something I've never actually heard with my ears but my brain pieced together from knowing the song and the timbres of his voice and his piano playing style and my brain insists is a cover of this song that SHOULD exist so in my head it does now even if that's the only place it's real....]

 So I was thinking.... (Because I'm always thinking, sometimes I'm even (over)thinking about thinking and how/why I'm thinking the way I'm thinking about thinking. That's a joke, but also only kinda because sometimes it feels all too true, lol) There were some things that I said in the recent post(s) that were imprecise (which may have made them accidentally misleading) or that presented things to me in ways I hadn't seen them before need to consider.  As I've said before, I tend to find my emotions massive deep oceans and tsunamis and they tend to be overwhelming and constantly in motion like tides and breathing and all things that are living not dead... The deeper more powerful my emotions, the more impossible it is for me to find the words to contain them, sometimes it takes time for me to be able to express the deep oceans of feelings in word form so others can try to understand. And I don't MEAN to be difficult, it's just so much intensity and motion that I can't hold it in word form.... But sometimes the way for me to get the clearest view of things I'm feeling or experiencing or reacting from, I HAVE to put it into words because the words crystallize and freeze it in a snapshot so I can really look at it and examine it from different angles. You gain different information from a static frozen image/statue than the moving motions of a living changing forms force of nature....  Which is a really extended metaphor, but it's the best I can describe the process of translating between my emotions and my thoughts, of going from FEELING things to examining the forces pushing/pulling on the feelings to shape them and the ways they move inside me....

Anyway. What I'm trying to say is that some of the things I said were first attempts to put into words and seeing the static shape of what's been moving inside me, and so there was imprecision or things that I didn't recognize I SHOULD be poking at more to understand or heal or change or make better than I have been.

So the first thing I wanted to say is... My feelings, my actual feelings weren't complicated at all -- they were very simple straight forward and full of love and joy and pride for him and his journey of growth and what it has meant to him. That was it, that simple. No FOMO, no jealousy, no "I wish it had been like this instead of like that" -- just love and joy and pride in the isness of and growth path. That was very simple, that's what I meant when I was talking about the truest me qua me reaction. All the complicated was me questioning/asking if I OUGHT to feel that way, if I should be letting me see/feel at all anything about it if I was being honest about the letting go of him, it was the fear of letting him in at all opening the door of repeating the toxic patterns that have kept on repeating and so I OUGHT to be feeling nothing personal just distant "that's nice" you'd feel for any stranger's journey to be better than they had let themselves be and reconnect back into their truest self and truest choices.... My reaction was clear and strong and bright and true, it was the overthinking reacting judging my own reaction questioning if I should even be allowing myself to see/react at all to this stimulus that made the complicated layers of my "reactions." 

And the repressed anger I was referring to isn't at myself or him or even anyone who was involved in getting us to this point.... It was anger AT the judging overthinking "earned from experiences" squelching down on the joy/love springing up inside me and trying to yuck my yum.... It's anger at the learned reactions trying to tell my heart not to feel what it feels and why what it feels is wrong and delusional and going to lead me to hurt/harm because I'm not learning from the past that has been and the lessons it had to teach me....

Does that make more sense? I hope it does. Because it's the best I can explain what I was trying to say the other day and got a bit mixed up in seeing it recognizing it for the first time. 

And... I do think... In the name of honesty.... When I say I need hope and belief again that there's a path forward for us, that there is a place for me within his life as HE would choose to build it.... What I need is weapons and reasons to help me fight the fear that if I listen or give ground to my instinctual natural optimistic hope/faith I will be leading myself back to repeating the same cycles and experiencing the same pains but seasoned with a healthy dose of "you foolish girl, how could you learn nothing from going through these same cycles already? You already have seen this cycle yet you stepped right back into repeating it and so you have no EXCUSE to be hurt that reality is reality...." The hope in being able to at some point, in this life or another, create a future with him is sort of always there inside me bubbling up as relentlessly as the bond itself that can't be severed only made dormant put to sleep -- it's impossible to dam up or pull out of me. I just don't trust it anymore, keep knee jerk trying to bury it under realism and logic every time it bubbles up in me to want to respond to him from a place of love and trust and belief that there's a way to a shared life path this lifetime, and the more time has passed with the toxic dynamics interfering teaching their "lessons" to me, the stronger that knee jerk reactionary has become after so long having hammered into me that there's no place for me in his life and I'm not welcome there by those who matter most to him and he doesn't care about that, is absolutely fine with this dynamic existing/repeating across all these years....

The hope/faith I need in him is that I'm not making a horrible mistake if I trust him and what's in my heart and what reaches me from the bond that it's not going to lead to repeating the same damn toxic patterns/cycles yet again.... Otherwise what's the point in letting me reach back to him from my love for his isness leading us both on until the same things happen that have happened repeatedly across these recent years....

The complications and fear and lack of trust in him/myself isn't because my heart has shifted at all in how it feels/responds to his isness and wanting him to find/claim the happiness he seeks for his life, it's the weight of all the things I ought to have learned from the repeating pattern dynamics of these last six years and all the toxicity it bred as a consequence of things I couldn't alter with my own agency and calling myself a fool that I can't discipline my heart to listen to all the ought tos whenever there's anything comes along pulls at my heart strings pulls me back to him and the love between our souls.

Does that make any sort of sense? It's okay if it doesn't... It's just hard to words when there's an inner battle between the heart and the head because they don't really speak the same languages.... And my heart is steadfast in feeling what it feels and my head is a bit of a know it all "told you so" trying to warn that if nothing's changed I'll just repeat the same cycles we've been through before.... the heart is steady and strong unchanging, but the head is a lot more powerfully persuasive to take the reins put itself in charge because it has the weight of past being repeating prologue pattern seeking on its side.... But it's okay if me trying to explain the head vs heart inner battle doesn't make sense to you -- these internal battles are always complicated and the heart doesn't use words it just knows its own truth and the head uses nothing but words and logic and pattern seeking to make its case.

There's probably a less messy way of integrating lessons and growing from them, but my emotions are all oceans of aliveness and my thoughts are all sharpened/polished words to build structures...so this is the best I've got within this subjective consciousness within this body and this life.

But the healing that needs to happen, at least from my side of the bond, for me to return love for love and believe again in a shared life path this life with my polar bear (especially to have it in waking as well as in dreaming) is to give my heart the ascendancy tell the head to shut up because things have changed enough that how it was isn't how it will be from here moving forward. Because otherwise, whenever I get burned and hurt (or even just afraid of being burned again the same as I have been before) my head is going to just get brutally realist force the heart to listen to its logic and rationalizations for how to avoid repeating the hurts of the past cycles/toxic patterns.

And I don't know how to give me that to put the heart in ascendancy... I just know it's what I need at this time for letting him back in healing between us to grow back toward each other instead of me trying to walk away from the bond and all it has given us and promised us we could have if we both choose it and nurture it.

I think it's worth it, I just don't know how to give me what I need to be able to choose that... And maybe it isn't something I can give myself. Maybe it can only come from how we can build together to give me tangible foundations to believe in.... Because maybe trust/faith requires the tangible reasons to believe in it if you're trying to build after it's been broken in the past. But I don't know how to get there from here, especially with my head continuously telling me it's maybe all delusional all in my head and not anything he wants or would choose for himself after all. The heart is stubborn and steady and certain, but the head is absolutely relentless just never shuts up unless you give it some tangible evidence that meets its criteria of proofs.... 

And since I can't give me what I would need for this head vs heart inner battle, it's been easier to just set the battle aside as being immaterial to my lived life and telling myself to be practical focus down my attention into what and who IS in my life and to invest of my love/energy/time into those people and things that DO choose me welcome me to share time/space/life paths together. 

But in my heart of hearts, all I want to do is hug him tight to me and just pour love into him down the bond make sure he knows how deep and true and unwavering my joy that he IS and my desire that he find and hold onto all the happiness he seeks for himself in his life, whatever form that actually takes for him and his choices this lifetime -- though it would make me selfishly happiest for me to be integral to whatever that means for his greatest happiness just as he is for mine. It's the head and the learned behaviors/reactions/expectations/assumptions that complicate what is so straightforward simple within my heart.

but then also.... if it's not possible to give me that, then it's time for me to let go of my polar bear and to release all expectations that our life paths may be joined this life so I can find the path that does bring my heart and my head into balance and peace instead of this sort of battle

 Currently waiting on half time of the Packers game paused before starting the second half (but my phone has spoilered me with the final score when another text came in) while my sister's family make/eat lunch and we had some nachos here. But just wanted to say that the Astro Poets Horoscopes for the coming week DID come in this morning after my not sleeping then overtired overthinking trying to analyze understand my own reactions and emotions now that I've been sitting with them a few days after they'd been stirred up after letting them lie under the surface of focusing on what IS in my life letting go of any expectations over what isn't in my life and I lack the agency to change on my own.

Anyway, what's been coming down the bond since this morning is... It's still love and very intense and heady but also there's this reassurance woven through it, like this big safe hug with forehead kisses and being told "it's alright, don't worry so much. I promise you this is finally coming right. You'll see." It's a very soothing set of emotions to be receiving down the bond, especially with just the intensity/depth of love and reassurance all through everything coming so strongly down the bond.

And then I saw the Astro Poets for this week came in and I laughed because it had that same sort of reassuring vibe to it: 

"Week of 12/5 in Libra: You have found yourself in love. With trees and such they ring. The lilac around the maximum place. They see it all so clearly, too. Find yourself in love again."

"Week of 12/5 in Pisces: There is a friend. There is a friend who can see it clearly. You sort of went away with dreams. Then you came back again. Then you saw it all so clearly and brightly again with dreams."

I don't have to have answers now, I just have to listen and see what unfolds. And as for any other men.... Unless someone completely new enters the picture, ain't no reasons to even consider any of the Irish boys til March at the soonest I'd be seeing them to turn up the heat on any mutual flirtations growing into anything more serious. And I do still have reservations about dating within such a tight knit community where everybody knows everybody's business.... 

And, I think... Now that I've put it into words to see it more clearly, I can't rule out the idea that some part of me has been looking elsewhere since July because I know my own ethics and me being with someone else would close the door more firmly for me not even considering Eric or the bond if there's no place and no welcome for me in his life.... Which is the wrong reason to date someone else, even if I'm attracted to them my reasons would be wrong headed and unfair to them. 

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."~Louis L'Amour

 In my last post (well not the book post, obviously, since that's just a running additions post with a preset date on it so it stays at the top of the list and I add to it as I finish books or acquire books) when I was griping about being sick (I'm feeling better now, thanks; not all the way better but on Friday I woke up back to how I was when I first started having a runny nose on last Friday and then how I was on Sunday when I was better before the not sleeping and travel day exposure even with a mask on to other viruses especially like the sick kid in my row sitting on the tarmac over an hour.... Also I think this is the non-communicable laryngitis I get where anything that triggers coughing triggers laryngitis in the lower part of my range which causes coughing which causes laryngitis which... etc loop. I'm no longer super phlegmy or anything and what there is when I blow my nose (especially after coming in from the stupidly cold outside) is all just clear and my cough/hoarse lower end of my voice feels like when I have a lot of concerts/fests and people try to hold conversations with me that require shouting over the music between sets... I still didn't go help prelim pack/move my grandma today (o right, my grandma is moving this month and that's a whole nother saga I never even got into) because between her getting covid right before I left and then norovirus while I was gone (both from the common dining areas of her place she's moving out of) the LAST thing she needed was exposure to whatever I'm kicking. Yeah she's elderly so got the rsv vax, but this year even elderly who got the vax were getting it and maybe it wasn't rsv I had just because there was rsv at Ellie's preschool right before Christmas.) 

Okay. That start of a sentence got so the fuck far away from me... We're just going to start over now with a do over, lol. Strike that, try again Dani.

So when I wrote the post griping about the tail end of being sick on New Year's Day, I was still very not caught up on my emails and hadn't even looked at them at all that day. I have since, including the email from Eric about the meaningful growth he went through over this last year and his hopes/plans/beliefs for the coming months and the core belief inside him that he has learned/rediscovered over the last year or so: it's never too late to choose what matters most to oneself. And I love knowing that's the place of faith in himself and what he loves/believes in and my immediate reaction was to want to reach back and be like, "yes this! So much this! Always this!" but there's also the practical pull inside me that says, "yes that's beautiful and it brings light to my heart to know this is the place he's in right now -- but what has changed on the practical day to day level or healed the toxic patterns opened new paths beyond the old barriers so we can get somewhere new where there's healing?" And I don't have any answers or insights to answer that practical part of me telling me not to be a fool and return to old repeating cycles just because I felt like he's saying what i want to hear and want to believe to be about me and to give in to the pull of the bond between us.

I'm sorry if that's not what you want from me as a reaction, but it's my truth. It's complicated. What I desire to react is at odds with the practical logical of isness in this life and these bodies and the past that is the prologue that got us to this moment.... I'm afraid it's going to take more than telling me you're as damn stubborn as ever and feel certain now about your own heart/soul choices and still believe there's a way because it's not yet too late. It's been so long a mess that I need something that isn't me reading into it what I want to hear, something tangible and REAL if you want me to reignite hope and faith that I shouldn't give up on the bond and the promise of it and what it could be......

I... I think I'll just let it be and wait and see what unfolds and what is chosen and for now still keep focusing my own energy into those that choose me and choose to be in my life. 

I can't tell you why there's so much fire and love and explosively reaching down the bond from him again. That's still like that you know -- it started a bit after the solstice and it's waxing not waning intensity from him. While I was so busy as I said I would be these last six months, he really wasn't reaching me that way. But now he is again both waking and sleeping, very strongly and very heady with so much love and desire and a promise woven through it.... And I don't pretend to understand his why of that -- I'm not here to try project onto him what I want to be true or what I fear might be his truth. I want to know what his truth IS. And that I'll only learn by listening to how he shares his truth(s) in his own ways. Which means I'm grateful for all the truth(s) of his he chooses to share, even if I'm still digesting it trying to understand and so he's not getting the immediate reaction from the heart he might wish for from me.

But also... It's so stupid that I need to think on it and digest it like that because of how complicated things have gotten... Because like at the very most me qua me core of me ignoring all the learned processing my reactions were so simple and clear and strong.... At that core most child-like truest self response, the moment I saw his name in my inbox all I felt was immediate rush of joy that just blossomed and ignited and grew brighter and brighter as I read what he had to say and share and I just had the strongest desire to hug him tight as I could with this inner clarion of, "yes! It's not too late! We just need to choose it, both be ready to choose it! But you're right, it's not too late and there's no new choices from me making more barriers yet. And o but is that really truly what you want?! Finally? Is it though? Promise?" And that was the entirety of my initial reaction before the overthinking secondary reactions (which psychologists say are conditioning and learned reactions/behaviors/ways of thinking) started to make it all so much more complicated and make me uncertain and second guess my reactions and what had changed and what if honestly nothing he was saying and nothing echoing down the bond has any damn thing to do with me but is instead just his joy in his album he's been working on and a renewal of his heart finding someone else to invest it in somewhere else and none of the shininess love coming down the bond form him has anything at all to do with me?

So maybe I'm just being stupid. Maybe I should be listening and trusting to the truest parts of myself, of me qua me, because that's what the truest parts of him are trying to reach now after all his growth soul searching anyway -- and I should tell the learned responses to fuck right on off. It's just hard because if I do that and I'm wrong and it's just ego telling me what I want to hear/believe, it's going to hurt a lot more when reality as it IS smacks me upside the face and the learned responses say, "See? I told you that's how it would be. These are the patterns we've observed that got us to here. Why didn't you listen to me? I just wanted to save you from being hurt by the crash down disappointment of learning what you want to be true isn't truth at all."

Like I said. It's complicated inside me right now in my logic driven conscious mind in response to him... Present isn't past and neither of us is the versions of ourselves we were just a year ago.....but also I can't just unlearn disappear forget what these recent years have taught me to expect from him.....

 But. Also. Underneath the calm practical "this recurring dynamic is unhealthy, so let me separate what I do and don't have agency to change here to stop breeding toxicity" that I've been operating under these last six months or so, there is a repressed fury inside me at the externally forced upon me learned patterns/behaviors that I CAN'T just respond entirely with that honest centered core of me heart of love toward him and the things he says/does, that there's so much learned behaviors/inhibitions/expectations that block me from responding with that personal truest version of me first initial reaction. I'm not angry at the third parties and situations that created these learned behavioral adjustments, I'm furious that they are there at all mediating the honesty of my heart/soul responsiveness toward his truths he chooses to share. And it's kind of always there now, but I only feel it and recognize it's there when I'm confronted with the complicated mess of reactions that comes on the heels of my innate natural heart based first reaction that is my truth rather than all the learned behaviors layered over on top of it... I didn't feel it, even though it was there inside me, so long as I was focusing on what is in my life not seeing/hearing/experiencing anything from him reaching me that I wanted to be responding from my inmost self initial reactions but instead feeling all sorts of complicated from the learned behaviors/layers from external third party influences changing things getting in the way teaching different truths than my own personal inner truth.

 And. It's probably because of the fury in me that there's so much learned responses burying my natural honest instinct to love and excitement and joy in his isness that part of my approach focusing on what is within my control to change and to grow that direction is my latching on to what brings me unadulterated joy and responds to my joy with the same joy -- why I've been more than willing and quite happy to contemplate moving in the direction of dating Diarmaid if he broached it with me since our paths crossed back in August. Because so far the addition of him into my life is only joy and natural responsiveness of joy and especially with the past life memory layers, I have the similar instinctive wanting to curl up into his chest to snuggle into a big protective hug and feel safe there. And also because I know me and I know my ethics -- and if I give my word or any part of my heart to another man, for the term that we're building a relationship together I won't LET me look or reach elsewhere outside of that person I'm building with and who is trusting their heart to me as I am trusting mine with them -- by choosing to date another man, I'd be not allowing myself to desire or choose or feed into ANYTHING related to the bond to Eric for so long as I'm in another relationship. And that removes the temptation in me to give him another chance return to what my own inmost self desires.

 And it is easier, when there is nothing within your agency other than walking away from the situation wherein you can't affect change, to look for something new and shiny than to face that which causes such fury and turmoil within you -- for how do you integrate the darker emotions and release that repressed fury when there's nothing you can do to stop the cause from repeating? I've read lots of people's philosophies and methods for coping as they are trying to do that, but they're all forms of sublimation and escapism until the individual is removed from the situation they can do nothing with their own agency to alter... Which is part of why my best answer after six years of no change and nobody else showing any signs or responses they care to even discuss it was to say "then I am done with the only ways this touches my life affects me. I will go look elsewhere for where my future life path will lead me this lifetime."

And. Unrelated to that. But also. Just because I can hear his love and joy singing through him reaching me down the bond and  have read the fiery courage of where he acknowledges his own heart and approach to life to be, still I shouldn't allow myself to sit in the hubris of my own ego and assume my own importance, assume it has any damn thing to do with me. Rejoicing in his joy and the light and love within him shining so brightly is one thing, but assuming it has any dang thing to do with me is another entirely and an act of hubris in that assumption I need to nip in the bud.  It is better for me to continue as I have been going and rejoice in his joy and love as an isness but still continue as if there's no place for me to be welcomed into his life because I see no evidence that there is and nobody cares about that but me because I've seen no actions that would lead me to think there was any changes there in these six months -- and so I should continue to invest of my own energy and love and time elsewhere, to invest in my present moments and those who return love for love and the people/communities where my presence in their lives is desired and celebrated and welcomed with open arms.

 

In the Astro Poets horoscopes from the last month, Libra and Pisces still seem to be in dialogue, or maybe more accurately telling different parts of the same story. Which other signs are not doing with themselves or other signs week to week. It's fascinating, it's been pretty much all year now. Eventually I expect that will shift, but until then I'll keep sharing them because I find it curious.... Also, I have no idea how or why there's so much love surrounding and through everything in the Libra horoscopes this whole time, but there is from them. There just is.

"Week of 12/8 in Libra: You shine so brightly. That’s where you can see again. What you see now is full of all eternity. Mint green and everlasting. You can see in the future that sings."

"Week of 12/8 in Pisces: A plant that has leaves remains. So it goes and says nothing. But what it does say is what you want it too. It can be yours. And let it be."

"Week of 12/15 in Libra: Everything that is delicious. Enjoy that. What kind of life is this. It’s the greatest love. Accept this kindness and victory."

"Week of 12/15 in Pisces: Something you will see. Not clearly but in the distance. Do not go there. Instead know that you will. Knowing you will is everything."

"Week of 12/22 in Libra: Into the night you create. You create the dream with bright lights. They are blue and gold, tan and green. The red rose is appearing. Give it to who you love."

"Week of 12/22 in Pisces: You love a mind. What is in it is full of riches. But beginning to be is the greatest wish. So the light that extends reminds. Let it"

"Week of 12/29 in Libra: So much love extends. In the heart of it in the center. A beach a bed where you can see the family. In the night it is not so much so. In the light it is all real like power."

"Week of 12/29 in Pisces: So much the rainbow. So much the things set in order. So much the scene where you can see into everything. There were expectations. With wildness they begin again."

The Astro Poets horoscope for this coming week hasn't come in yet at the time of writing this, so no idea how it fits with any of this I'm wrestling with for the coming week. It will come in eventually, later today. But it hasn't yet. It will probably come in right after I post this. But it's now after the sun is up and I am tired haven't slept yet tonight so I'm going to sleep for a bit now before heading to my parents house to watch the Packers game with my mum and the dogs and text/zoom with my sister (and family) while we watch it together in real time.