O, why am I watching the news even though it's hard to watch right now and not much I can do in this life at the geopolitical level? Well, I know it upsets one's equilibrium to know too much about what's going on in the world, especially when there are limits on the scope of change one can effect. But there is a purpose in me watching the news right now.... I'm watching both international news and MSNBC (while at my parents house) because things are changing too rapidly on the political stage AND to watch for political/news worthy people who have attachments or are working as channels for negative entities to cut that shit off. (I got ANGRY right as Aquarius turned to Pisces season at the intentional unraveling of the unfolding of creation and finding loopholes that have made it like whack a mole to try to get things back to even fair playing field for humanity. So I'm doing something about it -- in my own behind the scenes small life with a big spiritual reach way.) Because it's fucking unfair to have unincarnated entities tipping the scales against humanity's own choices or getting their hooks into those who are unwilling wouldn't choose it if they knew what they were doing.  The only thing is, like anyone else, I don't know what I don't know but when I encounter someone's energy or see their image/video then I can recognize any energy attached to them or using them as a channel IF I recognize the energy signal of the entity. And then there are bindings and protections I can do to neutralize. So I'm watching the news to help me see who needs to be bound to not allow malignant cruel attachments to work through them to feed on the energies of others or manipulate them. I mean, I LIKE to know what's going on in the world, but right NOW I'm trying to make sure that as many KNOWN problems become KNOWN to me and individually bound from such harm because I don't know how effective a broader wider binding IS and I tread carefully harming innocents.

People can be cruel and petty and vindictive and greedy and corrupted by power/money/ego and make terrible unjust venal choices in their own free will and that's a different fight. But ain't nothing just or the way the universe unfolding was intended about malevolent entities cheating to deprive people of their own free will having any say in the fate lines. So it won't be allowed to continue once I discover it. Not. On. My. Watch.

But disturbing my peace of mind by watching the news right now during such major events has a point and it DOES shift the fatelines, every damn one I can find and catch an neutralize, it shifts the fatelines by mitigating the harm they were doing and could have continued doing. I worry about those behind the scenes pulling the strings whose names/faces/energies I don't know and can't so easily find, I just have to hope the broader bindings but I'd feel better if I KNEW the loopholes and those slipping between the weavings were taken care of....

Also. Since I got angry, I came up with an idea beyond my current whack a mole to try to get some traction against malevolent entities as attachments feeding on or making puppets of people. It's been effective here in Madison and is (part) of what helped dig out the entrenched issues here in my state. We will see how the state moves forward now that we have fair election maps. But the short version is that, with my techniques I use, I placed a boundary around the capital and the courthouses to keep unincarnated malevolent spirits from crossing AND since last year when I finally wised on to the attachments loophole that allowed entities in a gridded blessed space, I laid my newer boundary that no malevolent attachments can cross it -- the human host can but any attached malevolent entities must wait outside and can't reach their host. And. While in my life I have visited almost all major national monuments and parks and every state but Alaska, I have not visited every states capital. And I see no reason I shouldn't revisit places I've been and protect from malevolent disembodied entities AND attached entities all places of governance and sentencing.  And I see no reason to limit it to just the states. I'll need money and/or a good excuse to travel a LOT to achieve it, but fuck it. I think I need to figure out a way to be paid to travel, at least paid enough to cover the travel and pay the bills.

I've been protecting the places people open to connection and get fed on by malevolent entities because people NEED safe spaces to open up and energy exchange soul to soul. It's part of why I started traveling for theatre and music venues/fest scenes the way I do for music and communities I love -- to protect the spaces and the people who come there to be able to connect in joy and trust and have energy exchange communion without being pressed upon. And I'm still going to do that, and I recognize there are lots of venues and fest grounds I've never been inside to fill the space and never walked to encircle to protect  -- people need safe spaces for the connection of energy exchange and they need them to be safe for everyone who opens up there. But I also have decided to set myself the goal of protecting the places where rule of law needs to be protected. I'm about to get REALLY interested in publicly available tours and lectures of the rooms where it happens and traveling to see them. 😆 And I'm going to make myself a triage list of where I most need to go do it. Though for some of them, I'll be needing to dust off my wide eyed innocence butter wouldn't melt in my mouth looks like old money college self who used to talk down the crazy evangelicals by telling them that I admired how deeply they believed their scriptures and ask them if they could explain to me some scriptures I didn't yet understand -- then ask them for their own Bible to chapter and verse prove them wrong while asking them to explain the biblical verse to me. It was great fun, at least if you're a pagan Jewish elf witch, and more often than not  sent them home, often never to return to those spaces. Anyway, the places that most need me to go grid and set boundaries against male belong attachments, I need to enter not looking at all like what I am, letting everyone see the version of me they want to see. Good thing my last life peaked in the 40s and 50s so I love me an a line skirt floral dress and a cardigan. 

I haven't figured out the HOW of getting paid to cover my expenses and still travel as an excuse to visit and protect specific spaces to keep the scales fair as humanity allows. It's for humanity to rise or fall by their choices, not by being puppets for darker entities they don't even realize are using them abrogating their free will  BUT I got angry in my righteous anger at injustice and wrongness mode, and Ive decided that there's much I cannot do -- but to make the rooms where it happens spiritually safe spaces so no entities unincarnated or attachment can cross AND as a bonus, nobody within those spaces can be a channel for energy feeding or manipulation by any malevolent entities. In the name of fairness and giving the incarnated souls a chance to ACTUALLY use their free will...

Anyway, I haven't figure out a HOW to go about traveling so extensively to visit every capital and courthouse I can but I have figured out a WHAT that I need to add into my self appointed (semi haphazard) wandering way of cleaning up spiritual messes and fighting when I have to and cleansing and protecting the places that cross my path. As a hand of Ma'at, it's what I do in any life -- because I know how and I can. And even in a small personally fulfilling life not for the history books or the world of fame, I can't help but scream defiance at injustices in the cycle of souls and entities trying to tip the scales to destroy the sanctity of free will. I would feel like I was betraying my truest self if I knew how to defy and protect in these ways and DIDN'T do it....

This is what happens when you tap into my cold righteous anger of outraged justice that speaks the voice of inevitable truths/prophecies and is brutally logical and never burns itself out. My quick temper can burn hot but always burns itself out no matter how much damage it did once it's out it's done. But my cold anger? O, that doesn't go away until the injustice(s) and/or intentional cruelty are made right a d the scales of justice are righted. My cold anger is implacable righteous divine wrath. Sometimes it scares even me the power I channel direct from source during it....

O, and even though this is my break from shows and plans, Sarah and Mikaela offered and were excited to have the dogs on Saturday for symphony rather than leave them alone and when I asked said they were okay watching them all day for me to do brunch with symphony friends and symphony at 2:30 then head to Stoughton for dinner at Viking Brew Pub before seeing BeauSoleil at 7:30.  Originally I WANTED to see them again, they're my favorite cajun/creole/zydeco band and they're AMAZING musicians and helped save Cajun fiddle traditions from disappearing back in the 70s but they're old and have some health issues so like I was doing with George Winston and as I'm still doing with Billy Joel, Michael Doucet is on my list of old musicians whose time remaining I can tell is limited and so there are a finite number of shows I can experience with them. They're (supposedly) on their farewell tour after 50 years of touring and this show was added late to the last handful of shows right before their Chicago show even though they came through and played Stoughton Opera House at the start of their farewell tour.  I just didn't know if I could make it all work without Sarah being willing to take the dogs because they'd be alone inside with nobody to let them out if I were going for like 10-12 hours with my parents in Panama right now. But Sarah was up for it and so I picked up tickets tonight up in the balcony (center section row dd, on the left side so Crissy can be on the aisle in case she needs to go to the bathroom but so I can be centered as possible for the best accoustics.

Part of why Sarah agreed to it (and how it came up) is because I'm concerned about Sophie (my parents dog.) She's had some arthritis and I believe she's been having tooth pain related issues. It seems to be worsening with her teeth and I don't want it to go septic. I texted my parents since Sarah said my mum was texting her back since getting to Panama. Ideally, I would like to take Sophie to the vet to get her on antibiotics and pain prescription sooner rather than later and then have a tooth cleaning appointment scheduled by my parents AFTER they're back. (They get back late on the 28th, I think it's like 10:30pm or something like that I'm supposed to pick them up at the airport.) But because I am actively concerned about the swelling and inflammation and pain from being touched and the smell worsening from Sophie, I said I was nervous leaving her alone on Saturday for symphony and a meal which is when Sarah and Mikaela offered I could bring the dogs to their house and then just laughed when I asked if they minded it being an all day into the night visit so I could add the BeauSoleil concert.

So i said I might write here more while I have the free time for introvert recharge. But it's been a bit of a contemplative quiet restful time with me this week -- mostly cuddling dogs and cat and reading and lots of tea. Not so much epiphanies or a push to act impulsively or anything of the sort. And my intellectual landscape recently has been dominated by the news and reading some black history month related book choices. Most of the books have been heavy and the news is, well, it is what it is right now... Today I just started an N. K. Jemisin trilogy I'd been saving and I'm about 1/4 through the first book and loving it! Helping to balance out the book on death penalty as the extension of lynching and finally getting around to reading Native Son.  And then there's the news right now... So while national and international events are depressingly/anxiety inducingly close to terrifying outcomes, I think it's important not to lose hope and to focus on the better that has been achieved and the better that can still be achieved.  And whatever you focus on, you feed -- I'd rather feed the seeds of acknowledging all the wrong and pain and cruelty and say "no more of that" and focusing on finding a better way through from here rather than focusing on the fears of where the worse paths could lead humanity.

On the other overthinking, not national and international world shaping fatelines. I was thinking. 

I've tried blind faith that reunion is inevitable this life. And that didn't work at the first shock that made me question maybe it wasn't what he was choosing for himself this life. 

And I tried giving up on that hope and trying to look elsewhere. And that didn't work because no matter where else I tried my heart was stubbornly fixed and everyone else no matter how good they were was making do with second best. 

And I tried setting him free of me so he could find whatever it is he's seeking. And that didn't work for me because something in him held on to the bond to me insisted I was at least a part of what he's seeking. 

And I'm tired of investing energy into things that don't work. I'd like to find something that does.

And I don't know what that is.

 So I think this time... Rather than assumptions and theories, I'm going to start with trimming away everything else except what I do know and try to grow from that bare root seedling. And what I know, what I am quite certain of, is that at the root of the bond is the truth we both share that says, "I love you and want you to be happy." There's a lot I don't know and a lot that we are both guilt of which has caused confusion/misunderstanding, but that bare root truth is a truth I know with certainty.

What his happiness looks like, I don't know unless/until he tells me -- and he can't know what I need for mine without communication. And I don't know that we're there right now after all the stuckness from the past that has us currently separated with such tenuous connections -- but I know that the only way to get there requires communication. People don't know what they don't know. And only by acknowledging and being curious and WANTING to learn what we don't yet know do we grow to be better versions of ourselves. 

And I don't know where to go from that acknowledgement of what I do and don't know and what to do with it, I'm not certain about that. That step seems to be where assumptions lead me awry when I just run on how I THINK I should be understanding/reacting. So instead of trying to draw any conclusions or act out on assumptions from that core truth until there's more that's real to work with, I'm thinking that just focusing on that truth and trying to nurture is the place to be right now.  

And I know that sounds very similar to what I had said about sitting in a place on inaction. but it's not quite the same. I still think inaction is the right course for me until I know more for what I DO (in any sort of active or reactionary sense) in the situation so I don't act from assumptions to make further missteps or miscues. 

But it's NOT complete inaction because I think its right and good for me to be honest about what I do know at the core/root of it and to focus on how to nurture that bare root of love so it can grow into something beautiful, of whatever form it ends up taking. And that includes things like just flooding down the bond toward him my love like a soul to soul hug of love light energy, just an inner affirmation of the ISNESS and to make sure he sometimes feels pouring into him the strength of the love from my side, just to be sure he also KNOWS it IS no matter anything else.

Right now it's not so much inaction as sitting in a place where my head and my heart are in alignment not disagreeing. It's being happy with what I have NOW while acknowledging I would welcome more and trying to be in a state of flow nurturing the root of the bond and accepting 3d real world life is complicated and timing is beyond my control at this time so neither impatience nor impulsiveness based on assumptions is going to help make things better at this time. 

When I KNOW the right path of action, I'm ready and excited to take it and find out where it goes -- but for NOW I will sit in inaction and flow and nurturing the root truth rather than creating unnecessary pain running off in a wrong direction on assumptions just because I want to do SOMETHING.

 So somewhen last week, I got it into my head that since it makes me so happy to get the random floods of love down the bond, I saw no harm at this time in me randomly pulsing love extra strong down the bond just to let him feel it pouring into him if he has the gifts to experience that. And often I know I do that when there's a reason for it or as I'm falling asleep or waking up, but I decided I'd just start doing it randomly whenever I felt like wanting him to know/feel it for no other reason than I felt like it. It's not like a big production or anything, more like the energy version of a hug and a kiss on the cheek and a quick, "hi! I love you! That was it" before carrying on with whatever I was doing. The first few times there was surprise as well as an intensity of joy and returning rush of love, and then the surprise stopped and it was just immediate joy and influx of his love pouring in down the bond. And it also made him randomly flood me with his love even more often than he has been in these recent months. 

There isn't really a point to this. Just acknowledging the isness of this recent choice and that I like the addition of it and feeling it's right/good for me to do. I want and hope to keep it up and not fall back into overthinking if maybe I shouldn't as I've done in the past. I'm going to keep doing it, at least for as long as it feels good and right and natural to me and welcomed from him.

That was it. Just acknowledging that I've been doing this and I like it and intend to keep it as a "just because I feel like it" practice.

 O right! Thinking of which! 

When I say I'm busy these next couple weeks, it's not like my March and April level busy with tons of shows and plans already in the calendar -- there's only symphony on the afternoon of the 24 and dinner with my symphony season friends for actual plans. I expect to get a lot of introvert recharge time in the rest of February! So it's a good time if you want serious thought or opinions or to tell me/show me something you want my full attention. 

I just meant that, since my parents are gone my schedule will be a bit upside down because of spending time with their dog Sophie evenings/nights and Spock during the days so really only being home during weekdays or quick stopping in over the weekend. And I will have both dogs under my care so I can't just gad off leave my dog with my parents like I often do for shows or roadtrips or festival weekends -- any plans I made would have to be shorter time spans near home or include the dogs or see if Sarah can watch them for me. 

My next two weeks are actually VERY unbusy compared to how I've been since like last August. I just won't have extended amounts of time at home introvert recharging, evenings and nights it will be at work and at my parents house except during weekday days when Sophie can be at work and I'm at home form like 9a-5p. And it means I can't GO anywhere without thinking about the length of time alone of the dogs who may need to go outside -- but it's not a bad time for shorter time span plans or ones that can include the dogs. Or just anything you want me in a good mood and to give you my full attention with time to consider thoughtfully.

I just can't go anywhere or make extended plans and will be limited in the hours I'm home rather than at work or my parents house with the dogs.

But my next couple weeks are actually very open if you can/want to work around me not being able to leave the dogs entirely alone for too many hours and the dogs and cat splitting my time between two homes, lol. And it means for the end of February you might actually get writing from me here, especially if I have a lot of food for thoughts or deep feelings to try to wrap my head around.

So there's that I wanted to clarify after that last post. Because the crazy busy plans with minimal introvert recharge time doesn't REALLY restart til March/April

Its after 2 though so I should stop being in sloth mode and go get ready since I do eventually have to drive to Milwaukee today for dinner before the Drowsy Lads show at ICHC. (I didn't even have the executive function to cut up veggies or cheese for cooking or making brunch/lunch after I showered, so I made coffee then grabbed a plate of olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and herbs just dipped bread in that for my lunch. That's my level of sloth mode today, lol. I did decide to drink my coffee from my sloth mug though because I recognized my inner sloth wanting a sleep in snuggle the animals slow moving Saturday.)

Slow down you crazy child. Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while. It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two. When will you realize, Vienna waits for you? And you know that when the truth is told, That you can get what you want or you can just get old. You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through. Why don't you realize, Vienna waits for you?

 Hi hi!!! It's been what, like four days, five days by the calendar now it's past midnight, since I last wrote here. FIVE DAYS! Miss me much? (Of course you did. Silly question to ask, given you're here and all. If you hadn't missed me, why would you be back here, y'know? It's okay, you're allowed to call me out when I say silly/stupid/obvious things -- if you don't call me on it, the sardonic voice inside my head will call me on it anyway even if I don't say it aloud.)

It's been busy busy times in my life. Struggling to get all my hours in if I'm fully honest.

Let's see. Last week was seeing Nickel Creek on Weds. And of course that was just absolutely delightful!!!! I adore them, they've been a fixture of my musical life since high school when Lilly and Michelle introduced me to their music playing it in the yearbook and the mandolin with the guitar with the fiddle as a combination was just an absolute revelation to me! You can blame my love of Nickel Creek for my dabblings in newgrass and bluegrass and americana and roots and even some country as long as there isn't excessive or painful twanging on the vocals. I can't stand MOST country, especially country radio, but I do love Appalachian and bluegrass instrumentation and as long as the voice isn't pitchy in the way it twangs across notes, there are many vocalists who don't twang orange OR who have red-orange-gold colored voices so when they go sharp and blaze orange colors the note on the twang, the colors coordinate instead of painfully clash.  (They're mostly female vocalists who can sing country without it bothering me, other than Johnny Cash who really only has like a 5-6 note range and his twang goes flat not sharp which works with graying his deep blue vocal color. Theoretically a male with orangey-red or golden vocals where the twang burnishes it oranger but doesn't have an intense color shift by going sharply orange... But honestly, even Chris Thile who has a greening-gold colored voice that goes bright blue in his uppermost falsetto, when he twangs off quartersteps into oranging the edges of the green-blue I don't like his voice. He tends to do it when performing harmonies with someone who has a pitchy twanging country style vocal, but those are the Chris Thile songs I can't listen to....) Anyway, I adore Nickel Creek and I've been seeing them live since high school and I've met them all on more than one occasion and met up for coffee then cocktails with Chris more than once before he met his now wife. And to this day, Chris can walk on a stage, close his eyes and home in on my energy -- even when I'm front row of the top balcony at Overture Hall (which is like a third tier of balcony above the mezzanine above the circle above the upper orchestra.)  He did it this time, that's how I know even at that distance he can always still find my energy shining. He stepped out to his mic, said, "Ahoy Madison! It's been WAY too long and we need to come back here sooner. We've missed you so much. In fact," then he closed his eyes, walked from the mic forward to the side and said, "right about HERE" then tilted his head up and opened his eyes grinned and did the eye to eye "i see you" hand gesture right at me up there til I did it back to him and then he laughed said, "is exactly where I've needed to be."

Brilliant show! Love them dearly! Fourth show I've seen of theirs on the Celebrants tour that they started last year.  I'm a bit sad that Monica Martin, who I've known since she was a Baraboo high schooler friends with Matt who used to be in PHOX with her and some other Baraboo area friends, only opened west coast shows last year and is only opening east coast shows on this leg of the tour... I miss Moni and her hugs and drinking whiskey or gin with her and all the crazy stories with her... It's been over a year since I last saw Moni and got to hug her -- probably the last time she sold out High Noon Saloon, so maybe 22?  Anyway, I adore Nickel Creek but their tickets are pricey so I don't always travel long distances to see them. But to see Moni open for them, knowing how she and all of PHOX worship Chris and his various bands, I would consider it....

Anyway, that was a great night!!

And then last Friday a group of us had tickets for girls night to see Complexions contemporary ballet (based in NYC) for a performance called Stardust which was choreographed to Bach in the first half and David Bowie in the second half. It was gorgeous and they were all so fucking good! The second half, the Bowie half, was more lyrical classical ballet pas de deux elements and they connected to the music and movements and expression more, they had very jagged sharp contemporary choreography for the Bach. but it was all very beautifully well done. They were brilliant, and their physique are VERY athletic beyond typical ballet and their technique is ARDUOUS but it gets results! And I enjoyed that they came out for Q&A afterward.

Then on Sunday I did go watch the Super Bowl with my mum and the dogs and have dinner with my parents. 

This week, on Tuesday Mikaela and I went to the zoo to say goodbye to Bo. (the male polar bear.) He's full grown weight and virility now and while polar bears never hit menopause, Berit is 28 and has never conceived even with delayed implantation bears do, even with artificial insemintation so the AZA has decided to move Bo to a zoo with a younger female since he did so well with Berit in the hopes of the polar bear breeding program. And they did the same with Nuniq about a year before Borealis came to us from Toledo Zoo where he was born.... But Nuniq didn't mind wasn't sad about being separated and sent away, but Bo clearly DOES care.. he spent his entire time at Vilas following Berit around like a smitten puppy dog and never LIKED being far away from her or out of line of sight..They announced on Jan 24 that AZA made this decision and that the move would happen at some point in mid-February but they couldn't say exactly when or to where but they wanted to give people who love him a chance to say goodbye because he's a favorite of so many visitors, handlers, and of course Berit. They've separated the two and have had Berit denning as much as she wants -- and when we went to go see them, Berit was somewhere off exhibit and Bo was laying all the way at the back of the enclosure with just his head peeking out into the main enclosure, neck and head heavy across his paws in the doorway of the private off exhibit area the bears have. His body was just flattened to the ground and he just kept sighing staring around the enclosuere (the grizzly enclosure) with open access to the polar bear enclosure and he could go anywhere in either but all he wanted was to be back with his lady Berit again. And I've never seen Bo that depressed in the entire time he's been at our zoo... he's lost weight and he's not playing. He's just depressed about not being allowed to be near Berit. I've never seen ANY bear that depressed except my polar bear in dream form and that was only once, after I had the Seelie King put the bond to sleep until I chose to awaken it again.... I mean, Bo is so heartbroken and it made me tear up crying to see him like that..... I don't yet know where he's moving, it's for the receiving zoo to announce first and introduce the new animal and THEN the zoo they came from can say where they went. I hope that wherever he's being moved to, there will be snow. He ADORES snow even more than most polar bears -- fresh snow may be the only thing he loved more than Berit. Not that I want the breeding program to fail or anything, but I wouldn't be upset if Bo ended up staying.... They're hopefully that by the fall or next winter AZA will assign us another young male bear to pair with Berit (she's very good at raising and companion to young male bears after they leave their mother but before they're ready for full growth potential breeding pairing.) But it was hard to see Bo so listless and depressed.....

I went to my parents house that evening and had dinner with my mum and we watched some figure skating on dvr. While I was there, my da's best friend and who I've known my whole life passed away in hospice so he went to go be with Brian's wife Jeannine and other close friends to sit with the body keep her company until the funeral came for his body to be cremated.  Heavy night... And my da did text his sister (who considers Jeannine her best friend) to be sure she would know so my Aunt Linda spent all valentine's Day with Jeannine which is good because I was worried about that being her first day alone without her husband of like 40+ years.

Wednesday my parents and my best friend and I had tickets for Les Misérables -- which is one of those shows that you see and and every time you have the opportunity. Or at least that's how I feel. It is and always has been my forever favorite. I know it was Valentine's Day, but I'm single and Crissy is single and my parents said they didn't mind sharing their dinner  and show with their daughter and an adopted bonus daughter. My mum thought da might have a hard time with some of the deaths and I just looked at her shocked and went, "o no no no maman. Not the deaths. Empty Chairs and Empty Tables. That's the song that is always the survivor guilt kick in the gut. Every damn time. That's the song that might make him cry and will make him feel Brian's death. Be ready for that one, that will be the one that makes the fresh loss and all the other losses hurt."  This was a good tour but I hate that they now rush so much to keep the show under three hours... I understand the Union rules for it and child labor laws to make sure that the kids can curtain call legally.... But it just means that every moment that NEEDS to hold a note or is marked sustenado in the score gets trimmed as close to the bone as possible. So Look Down and Stars ALWAYS suffer for the trimming, and honestly even I Dreamed a Dream and Fantine's death don't get the time they deserve... Even the tomfoolery of the Thénardiers during Master of the House gets cheapened by rushing it all and that already HAS the clownish comedic element to ALLOW for rushing it a bit more than what sustained pathos requires.... 

But it was still Les Mis! And I still loved it!!! And I'm so glad we got tickets!!!

And tomorrow (today now, but I'm still at work and haven't slept yet) is heading to Milwaukee for a Guinness and chocolates and a Tallisk concert put on by Celtic Milwuakee. (Technically in Wauwautosa, lol.)  And then Friday night is Drowsy lads show at ICHC (also in Milwaukee, Irish Cultural Heritage Center being a converted old Catholic church with amazing acoustics using the main area (and even still pews and the broken old organ behind) for the venue and a full pub in the back warrens of the building. The green room for the band is the library archives of the Irish Cultural heritage Center.) Looking forward to both of those and my Irish (and some Scots; Tallisk is a Scottish band) music community family!!!!!

Then stupidly early Monday morning I'm taking my parents to the Madison airport as soon as it opens for an early flight to Panama (by way of Atlanta) for a while and I'll be splitting my time between my condo and work and the house I grew up in with both dogs (Sophie can't come to my condo) and my cat (who doesn't leave my condo except for vet visits.) And nothing but that dance and MSO presents Pixar scores symphony performance on the afternoon of Saturday the 24.

And then. I THOUGHT my life was slowing down to FINALLY get some hermit time... But somehow, my March/April has ended up insane with plans.....

~March 3 -- Aoife Scott show in Milwauke at ICHC in the afternoon THEN back to Madison fast as I can get us to Bur Oak for an almost sold out Skerryvore show with doors at 7 and show starts at 8... the ONLY Skerryvore show of their entire US tour we can make work dates after they came all the way from Scotland and have so many shows in the area... And only because Aoife's show is an early show in MKE. (Will also be starting off my morning dealing with some Milwaukee area ghost spirit cleansing if I don't do it on Drowsy lads day; I take care of things when I know about them and new friend in the Irish music scene Kiara tipped me off to some in West Allis need my attention.)

~March 5 -- The Coronas in Chicago

~March 6 -- The Coronas in Milwaukee

~March 9 -- Simon & Garfunkel Story at Overture Hall (with my parents; we've seen it before but the actors/vocalists are amazingly close in timbre and temperament to the originals)

~March 10 -- Celtic Tenors at ICHC in Milwaukee (evening show) 

~March 15 -- Skerryvore in Viroqua

~March 16 -- Natalie MacMaster and Donnell Leahy at Overture Hall (Cape Breton fiddle; she is one of the most beautiful fiddle players you will EVER hear; also her song Get Me Through December with Allison Krauss on vocals is heart rendingly gorgeous and a personal favorite.)

~March 17 -- symphony in the afternoon (funny that my St. Patrick's Day plans are one of the few non-Celtic music events in my March, lol)

~March 18 & 20 my grandma has daytime doctor's appointments for me to take her to

~March 24 -- Fiddler on the Roof at Fireside with my parents and Crissy

~March 29 -- Bailen at Majestic Theatre here in Madison

~April 1 & 2 grandma has two more daytime appointments for me to take her to

~April 5 -- Fraser & Haas at Bur Oak in Madison (still need to buy my ticket -- Crissy can't make it and Miakela/Sarah have been noncommittal back and forth if they want to join me or if I'm going by myself, lol) 

 ~April 6 -- Fraser & Haas at ICHC (also haven't bought this ticket yet; Crissy also can't make this show)

~April 7-9 -- Crissy and I are driving down to St. Louis for the solar eclipse. In 2017, we were at The Barrens winery, just outside Perryville MO and happened to be right where the x crosses for the paths of the total eclipses across the US. So we'll be driving to St. Louis on Sunday (staying at The Cheshire, haunted British lodge with literature themed rooms) then following the plan I WANTED to do last time heading south from St. Louis down the river -- before Denis tagged along in 2017 and insisted on wanting to get to Carbondale until I got frustrated with the traffic and said, "NO! Fuck this, we're going to cross the river to the Missouri side and i will find us the right place to be!" So we'll be heading out from St. Louis down 55 in hopes of reaching Cape Girardeau (where I KNOW I have some cleansing today because I keep being called there to do it, since I was a kid and we drive past/through on a family trip to I don't remember where -- Texas maybe?) and I've picked out two wineries (along highway 55 are all the old French stock wineries, some planted and places chosen before the Louisiana Purchase) open on Mondays that I want to hit up for lunch/dinner and wines if not to STAY for the eclipse if they're too covered. River Ridge Winery just south of Cape Girardeau for the morning if traffic lets us get that far on the day of the eclipse and then right near Perryville is Cave Winery where the vineyard is ABOVE the caves where the barrels are aged/stored and where you picnic and taste the wines. And then the extra night stay in St. Louis to have the Tuesday for St. Louis area things like 4 Hands Brewery (which we discovered the first time we saw Delta Rae at the Old Rock House and is now one of our always stops in St. Louis even when we're not going to any concerts at Old Rock House.)

~April 14 -- symphony

~April 16 -- MOMIX Alice contemporary dance based on Alice in Wonderland with my maman

~April 20 -- Art in Bloom at Milwaukee Art Museum. They take pieces and assign them to florists who create floral arrangements to go with the pieces and they explain the process of deconstruction/reconstruction and process. The whole art museum museum is open, but also the whole central atrium is full of flowers and music and sometimes an artist painting AND then the fresh flower floral arrangements paired with about a dozen or two dozen specific paintings. Went for the first time, frankly worth being a member (if I and a guest visit the art museum more than 2.5 times, it's paid for and I love art museums and if I have a membership I will go) to be able to get $10 tickets to Art in Bloom instead of $35 for it.  This year my mum and Sarah and Mikaela are joining us!

~April 26 -- Candide by Madison Opera

May is (so far) much quiet other than end of the month Frank Turner on May 31 in Chicago and June 1 in Minneapolis.

But then after June 1 Frank show, nothing at all (unless I can find ANYBODY to go with me to see Billy Joel and Stevie Nicks in Chicago on June 21 -- still nobody will agree to go with me except maybe Hannah if she and Emma and Alec come back stateside early enough for it) til maybe July 13 to see Nickel Creek & Andrew Bird in Minne (just announced, need to check with Crissy pickup tickets still but it's gen ad) but definitely July 17 Moulin Rouge tickets and then July 28 seeing Matilda at Fireside before we hit August which is three weekends of irishfesting (no OFFICIAL music announcements yet BUT Emma told us around hugs before heading to bed that we'll see her and Hannah and Alec in August AND in one of their livestreams, Seo Linn dropped the news that they have signed confirmed will be at Iowa Irishfest AND La Crosse Irishfest again!!! Iowa releases their music schedule on Saturday -- they always announce first of the Irishfests, lol.  Also though, Iowa is where we get to see Amanda and Darian and Mike for whiskey tastings) 

ALSO, caveat emptor about the absence of plans in June/July -- APT has released their calendar schedule of shows BUT tickets aren't yet for sale AND the calendar doesn't have 4 packs marked and those are cheaper for ordering tickets. Also, Concerts on the Square if we ever have any Wednesday's free for picnic and free chamber orchestra concerts on the Capitol lawn every Wednesday of the summer while it runs.

Apparently, I'm VERY bad at not filling up my calendar with music and theatre and dance and art and witchy things and wine/whiskey/beer plans.  That's what I'm telling you. 

But also, if I don't already have plans at the time you pick you can very VERY easily tempt me to make plans if you offer music, theatre, dance, art, witchy shit, wine/whiskey/beer, books, dogs, cats, horses, trees, stars, open water, mountains... Really it's pretty easy to get me to agree to making plans or going anywhere driveably close or a cheap flight away from me if you just pay attention to what brings me joy, lol. Promise!

But as of right NOW, my life plans doesn't slow down til May and June and July which are CURRENTLY pretty good bets if you're (hoping) to get some of my undivided unclaimed time.... If I don't gad off to Seattle area again because my sister has spent the last month hassling me every time they find good flight deals about how they all miss me (even though I was just there at Christmas and it's only February right now, lol) and the only reason I didn't take the Alaska cheap flight sin May is because I need to wait til my parents get back from Panama for my mum to figure out when they head west to their cabin in Montana and visit my sister's family in Seattle area and maybe my grandma and aunt in Oregon... Anyway. If you want me, May and June and July are when most of my plans are to be in the garden with plants and nothing more concrete if you want me and my unclaimed time and undivided attention. But somehow, my February and April are as full as my Irish month, lol.

May, June, and July. Those are your best bets if you want to see me or talk to me or happy surprise me or just want some of my time because you fucking miss me -- but not currently May 31, June 1, (June 21 please please please someone go with me to see Billy Joel in Chi), July 13, July 17, or July 28, lol.

[Post title: lyrics to the Billy Joel song Vienna.]

 Hi. Yes. Me again. I would just like to state for the record, that all day today there have been just these sudden rushes and floods of love down the bond. I don't know WHY, I just know IS. And the isness has been unexpected random floods of love and light pouring down the bond today. And it has been very heady whenever it happens and absolutely delightful as well as unexpected!  And I adore when that happens!!! Makes me so full of starlight shiny warmth of love, just poured into me and radiating right back out of me as the purest sort of love.  

Anyway. That was all. Carry on.

I have done nothing all day except stay in cozy pyjamas, snuggle cuddle with the fur babies in fuzzy warm blankets, make/drink tea and coffee, and read. At some point in the next several hours I'm headed over to my parents house to watch the Super Bowl (and maybe some more skating?) with my maman and the dogs and have dinner with my parents whenever my da gets back from the gym. (Sundays are the day he lifts weights and then does his laundry in the evenings.)  That means after I finish this last cup of coffee, I need to walk away from the book temptations and go get dressed and figure out something presentable I can do with my day long case of bed head squashed curl beast, lol.

But I am very happy grateful. For all the love light flooding in today. Really any time it happens. Today was just extra strong and heady and I don't know the why of it. But it gave me the heart glowing giddies and just so much joy and such a rush of, "o but I adore you too and I'm so happy you EXIST and that this love light IS and it can shine so bright between our souls!!!!"

 I haven't written much here of late. I've also been rather easily bored by social media so have mostly stayed off it other than occasional updates on Facebook for future memories to show up for me and my friends/family sharing the moments. Reality and the vividness of it is of more interest to me right now than scrolling through digital feeds like slot machines hoping for some dopamine jackpot post that resonates joy that can compete with the vibrantly messy aliveness of being fully present in my own life.  The silence here is not personal, I've just had a lot of life going on and nothing really to write about here. There's also not really been any major epiphanies or revelations I've been needing to work through to wrap my head around since that last one -- both my heart and head have been pretty quiescent recently on that front.

Weirdly, everything feels very much in flux to me, so much uncertainty that I don't even know if I have my bearings so I don't want to act (or even react) until I do. It feels like when you go swimming out deep in the ocean, past the breakers, where you tread water to bob with the troughs and peaks moving past you but never really touch bottom or know where each of the waves will break. Like the best thing I can do is keep my chin up and float and enjoy the way the view shifts as the waves roll under and around and past me and hope that nothing comes up out of the deeps thinking I look tasty.  That's just how everything feels right now to me.... A lot of it is how tangled the fate lines are and how opaque even tiny personal precogs are for me right now. I can tell another nexus point is coming, the moments that will rivet down and set the fate lines and limit them to follow only certain courses. Nexus points separate time into very clear before and after. Only. I can't SEE this one. I don't know what it is or how it will turn out or how it will guide and shape the fate lines. I can't even tell if it's a personal one or a world shaping one -- and normally I can at least feel the difference between those. I can just feel everything rushing into a coming nexus point that will separate my sense of reality into before and after and once I'm past it I'll be able to see fate lines clearer again. 

I don't know when it is, only that right now everything is rushing into it getting closer and closer to it. And I don't know what it is. But I don't feel any fear or sorrow or anger coming at me from the upcoming nexus point -- and strong emotions are the strongest waves that move backward, even people without clear precogs can get emotion based echoes creating an intuitive knowing before big events if they have even small gifts of clairsentience. Mostly, what I feel about whatever is coming is curiosity about what's next and a sense it is good for the best and a feeling of, "it's about damn time" but not in an upset or exasperated way, in a loving joyous sort of way. So I'm not concerned about whatever nexus point is coming, I'm content to just sort of of float on the waves of time's unfolding until I find out what the nexus point is and we're on the other side of it.

It's always a bit strange for me, the whirlpools in the fate lines muddying everything up in hopeless tangles as a nexus point is approaching, because it means all my involuntary flashes of precogs stop and even when I push and try to get glimpses reading the fate lines I can't because everything is a snarled tangled mess swirling into the nexus point. It's as close as I get to normal people experiencing time only forward linear, remembering only the past. Except that I still have some sudden instant knowing, I just don't fully see them until they smack me upside the third eye. Like when I mentioned in small group with Emma and Alec and the drummer (also a massive Billy Joel fan) I was excited for new Billy Joel music coming in early May and Emma (who had finished her post gig fries and was taking turns sipping her Guinness and rye pour) quietly corrected me, "February 1. The new song is out Feb 1. I only know that date because Hannah hasn't shut up about it." And my eyes and voice got distant and I replied, "Right. Yes. That's the new single. The first new music. But I meant the other new songs. That's not til May." And her eyes just got really wide and she said, "I won't say you're wrong, just that he's not announced it yet publicly or she would know." I smiled and said lightly, "O then don't tell her! I'm not very good with time after all, and while I think it's this May, I wouldn't want to disappoint her if it's not til next May. Hannah will be excited whenever she hears the news about the other 7 songs." And I could just hear the three of them but especially Emma wondering, "but how do you know there will be 8 songs, fey child?" But she didn't ask and I didn't say and Alec excused himself while the drummer and I talked about Tchaikovsky of all things then soon after that Emma interrupted all the other small group conversations to announce to the table she wanted the group pictures for the last of her polaroid film.

And I have no idea HOW I knew that before any of the announcements about the album release, only that I suddenly DID know with complete second sight certainty that the joy of hearing all his new songs released was in my future just after May Day. Things were getting tricky and tangled at that point, but not as much as they are now. 

I'll see again the futures as clearly as the past once past the nexus point, whether it's a personal or worldwide one, for now though I'm just a little more future blind than I normally am. But I'm not agitated at all about my current future blindness or about whatever the nexus point is. Also, remember, I asked not to have precogs of happy surprises, because they steal the joy out of the event unfolding in real timr. So I have an inkling this is somehow going to be a happy surprise of some sort for me, one that is also a nexus point separating before from after. And I won't peek or pry if that's the case. I could be wrong, but that's how it feels to me. 

Right now, I'm mostly focusing on appreciating the experiencing each and every moment I'm in, especially the things of joy and aliveness. The people and the dogs and the music and the art and the dance and the food and the drinks and all the light and all the goodness that are all woven through these moments of floating on the waves in the sea of time. Gratitude for what IS in my life right these passing moments while I have it and appreciating the joy in living each sensation as fully as possible. I suppose that's another form of inaction rather than overthinking, isn't it?

Happy sunrise!! Clouds are low here keeping it grey, but I know somewhere on the other side of them the skies are a painted glory. Even when I can't see it from the perspective of where I am, I know that is the isness of sunrises. So while mine is rather dreary this morning, I hope someone appreciated the beauty of the light painting colors of it somewhere else. And grey moenings demand giving in to all the coziness you can manage! So I'm going to snuggle with my blankets now and drink some more of my green dragon tea and read some more of my novel, probably finish it before I make my next cuppa tea or pot of coffee. I'm at the end of this book near the climax of the novel when the big race happens that decides everything and is the central heart of all the plot, and I'm in that place every bibliophile knows of feeling torn between wanting to devour the ending and savoring the unfolding and sad dragging my feet because the story is almost complete and then I say goodbye to these characters. I guess the book is also currently in a similar "just before the nexus point" as me... Maybe I paused to write this try to explain my inner state because I felt that recognition coupled with some overlays that have been getting stronger the last day or so of worrying about my silence and what it might mean. 

But right now, there are no inner storms in me, nothing threatening to drown me or anyone else. Just enjoying all my many plans and the waiting time between my present nows and the upcoming nexus point, floating on top of the deep waters out past the breakers where you can't touch the bottom no matter how big the peaks and troughs of the waves as time keeps rolling relentlessly in with the tide.

 Well yeah. Now that I REALIZE I've been guilty of that and how it has manifested and why, I can and I will try to be better. The thing is, just like every other human, I can't change what I don't see, I can't heal what I don't realize is broken. Now that I realize I've been carrying that unexamined premise and where it came from, I can try to be better and not let it influence me and my choices. But it will take time, the longer an unexamined premise sits in your mind and belief system, the more deeply rooted insidious it grows and the harder it is to dig out or even recognize when it's happening. I have every intention of working on it and being vigilant about it, but also I can't promise immediate or complete success. I can only promise that I will try and I will do my best. And hope that my best is good enough. 

And if I go awry or get to thinking/reacting from a place of wrong headedness, I would very much appreciate being called on it. I can't fix what I don't know is wrong, so if you see it and I don't then it is a kindness to tell me and help me be better. At least that's how I see corrections.

I can and should consider reestablishing points of contact with him, if I want them back. But that will wait til I have time to consider all the pros and cons of say following him again on insta....

And I'm sorry. For any unnecessary mess and pain that I may have caused over these years. I didn't realize I was doing it after the initial conclusions I drew, but that doesn't make the hurts any less real and valid, y'know?

 So. I think. It is important to me that I make very clear.

There is no one at any time who ever told me or in any way implied that the solution was for me to leave or that it was anything he would want or choose or be okay with. It was a conclusion I drew in response to what happened in October 2018 in the first place and then what happened in summer/fall of 2019 when I tried to bring it up to clean up the mess so it wouldn't weigh upon future interactions. And I did reach out and try, both privately and publicly, across multiple means of communication and I never received any response back anywhere other than defensive diehards victim blaming me on the public attempts to talk about it and seeing both personal and the band accounts liking the victim blaming responses other people made while completely ghosting me not replying in any way, shape, or form to me. (I did receive a response from a cousin of theirs who introduced herself as such, said that was an awful thing to have happened and insisted she thought it must be a mistake of some sort and the cousin believed B would make sure to fix it if she knew. That received no reactions from anyone but me, but it did happen.)

Anyway. the conclusion that I came to in the winter/spring of 2018-19 that the best thing I could do for him was to let him go so he wouldn't be caught in the middle of the mess and having that seed in my head ever since... That was a conclusion that I arrived at based on the situation and the information I had dealing with it. Any wrongheadedness in drawing that conclusion, the conclusion that I didn't WANT there to be tensions between me and everyone/everything his life was built around with him caught in the middle of that therefore I was removing myself from his options, that conclusion and any wrongheadedness in it is my own fault and my own evaluation of the worth I believed he would hold me and thus any pain it has generated is my responsibility. I take the responsibility for any wrongheadedness in that conclusion and any unnecessary harm by me drawing that conclusion and holding it in my unexamined premises in my subsequent behaviors... It was my conclusion based on the situation, the observations, and the information I had at my disposal. That set of assumptions and actions was not due to what anyone else said but to the conclusions I drew directly from what happened in October 2018 and how I felt it would/should/could impact him and my risk assessment for how to have him be impacted the least in his life and for him to be hurt the least possible by choices he didn't make.

But I'm sorry if me reaching that conclusion and moving forward on it or me continuing to hold that unspoken set of premises in my actions/reactions ever since October 2018 has been any part of making things harder or worse or hurting him.... That was never my intention and I am responsible for the conclusions and thus reactions I drew from what happened in 2018 and then the silence/ghosting/refusal to even acknowledge anything I said or did to try to make things better in 2019. 

And I'm sorry for any pain that my conclusions that removing myself from his life path options was in his best interests and his best happiness given the situation I found myself in and the logic/conclusions I arrived at from that situation. I acknowledge and feel badly for any hurt that conclusion turned unexamined premises in me may have caused him and I would like to make amends and make right the wrongs I did him (with the best of intentions, but intentions and consequences are not the same thing at all -- and it is consequences we must work with and build from, not the intentions behind them.) I didn't mean to and I'm sorry. 

I don't know what to replace that conclusion and unstated premise WITH, what is more aligned with his truth, but I don't think it's right of me to be running that assumption and reacting from a place where I'm thinking "just as soon as he's happy, I will quietly sneak away remove myself from his options because there's no place for me in his life and what he has built/is building his life around." I don't know what I ought to replace that unexamined premise with, but I don't think it's a healthy one, for me or him, that I have had even if I understand how/why I arrived at that conclusion/assumption.

And I don't know how I ought to guide my reactions or assumptions about what will hurt him or make him happier if I remove that assumption from my unstated premises. But I don't think it fair to him and I think it has caused him hurt I never intended to be running that assumption in me guiding my actions.

But i do believe that part of why I have seen the situation as insoluble and/or the best solution for him is for me to remove myself from his options is from the assumptions/conclusions I drew. And that if I want to find a better way of healing moving forward or to find a path out of this mess, and I very much would like that, I need to stop holding that assumption/conclusion in me that the best thing for him and the life he has built for himself and desires to build for himself requires me to deny what I want for myself and instead minimize points of contact with the end goal of quietly removing myself from his options once I know he's on a path to the happiness he's choosing for himself so he won't end up being hurt caught in the middle of this mess made in 2018/19.

The wrong headedness of that approach is my guilt and responsibility for the conclusions I drew from the situation I found myself in and that I couldn't seem to make right when I tried.

You want some of my honesty? (Or maybe you don't, I dunno, but here you are so you're getting it.) Here's my fucking honesty.

For the record. If you asked me right now what I want, after a delightful evening of food and French opera with longtime close friends and happy hour Pear Gin Rug cocktail, a Door County old fashioned (made with J Henry, the only bourbon this Irish whiskey scotch drinking girl loves) and two barrel aged stouts across lengthy dinner, and a double pour of Santory Toki whiskey neat to sip during The Anonymous Lover opera in French (Santory is a Japanese whisky, which generally means an Irish whiskey finished in Japanese oak.) Right NOW. What do I want right this moment? I would tell you that right now my inclination and desire is to want to say, "Aww, fuck the mess. Fuck the history. Fuck the overthinking. Fuck every block, real or imagined, between us. Just get the fuck here to where I am and let me wrap my arms around you and feel you holding me against you."

That's what you get bypassing the overthinking. That's it. Bypass all the fucking overthinking, cut through the Gordian knot of it like you're Alexander the Great and what you get is just a very clear, 'Fuck everything else -- just get your ass here and hold me like you're never going to let me go." That's it. Beyond the overthinking, if you want to tap into my heart hear from it directly. That's it, that's all of it that isn't just pure love that he IS. Just a genuine heartfelt desire for Eric best put into words as, 'Fuck everything else. Just get to where I am, let me wrap my arms around you feel you holding me like you mean it." 

And I just want to be VERY clear that's where my heart is at if you bypass my head and all its mess of overthinking....

I mean.  I KNOW that we can't just set aside all the overthinking and other people in our lives and history and all that... But also. Godsdamnit, all those factors have fucking complicated the shit out of the simple, non? So if I COULD just set them aside, I'd very much like to... And what else would you THINK there is inside me if you set aside overthinking?

And for the record. Tonight. Right this moment.  I would just like to set aside the overthinking. 

I intellectually understand why I can't have that right NOW, right this moment.... But that doesn't mean there isn't a very large part of my heart and soul that's pouting at this very moment that we haven't gotten to a point where I can just have that right to wrap him in his arms and feel his wrapped around me. Right now. tonight. Any damn time I want it. Every damn time I want it. Every damn time he wants it. 

I just think it's fucking stupid of us that real world quotidian doesn't have the space for us to do that. Right now. And every now when we both want it.

I'm not sure whiskey will solve how stupid that seems to me right now, but I feel that whiskey agrees with me it IS stupid and wants us to say "fuck all the overthinking" and just be together in spite of the rest of the mess of things. And the dog took herself to kennel and the cat is in the other room. So I'mma trust in the wisdom of potcheen and pour me a tuath glass with a dram of Highland Park's Spirit of the Bear scotch. 

But also. It's fucking stupid. WHY are we so fucking stupid about this when it's so obvious and should be so simple? WHY?!?!

More overthinking... But maybe I've found an important thread to be pulled out of the Gordian knot of things. Although, my inner Alexander the Great says, "Eff untying the damn thing, just cut right through it the damn sword and be done with it" when it comes to seemingly insoluble Gordian knots

 O. I mean. Well. No, I won't block the bond again directly because I said I wouldn't once I understood that the bond is ours not mine and it's important that he have a say in it as well. I'll be honest, at the time I had absolutely no idea he'd be that upset about me trying to put it asleep and dormant... I genuinely thought that it was obvious what he would choose given the block from the band page so he couldn't have both coexisting and I didn't want him caught in the middle of the mess not of his making. I genuinely thought I was making it easier for him by removing myself from the equation, so he wasn't caught in the middle of the mess. I understand now that I was wrong to assume that and act upon the assumption to put the bond dormant asleep try to keep it that way, but I really did think I was acting in his best interests and for his greatest happiness by prioritizing what his entire life was/is built around. I heard him loud and clear that I was wrong in those assumptions when he woke the bond up again, but during the time I was trying to keep it dormant I didn't know that. I had absolutely no idea he would fight so damn stubbornly hard to reach me again no matter what that took. If I had known that the connection to me mattered so much to him, I wouldn't have done what I did.... I would have at least tried to find a way to ask him give him agency and way to be a part of finding a solution and a way through. But I didn't think it would matter to him, I doubted he would even notice.

At this point, I wouldn't even intentionally try to diminish unless he again allows a connection to him that would endanger me to have the bond open to him and then I will isolate that energy so nothing with the energy attached into them can reach me. Same as I did last summer. Not to block him qua him, but to block a third party energy attachment attack.

But. Saying I'll not make the bond dormant or inaccessible to HIS energy or block him from reaching me.... That's not the same as me saying I see a path through to a future together. I WANT it, but I don't see the way to it from where we are, or at least nothing I can do to open the path because when I tried I was just ignored and attacked and so I stopped trying to even bring it up. At a core level, I'd be lying if I told you I believed or expected our lives to come together in the 3d this life. I want it and I hope for it, but I don't believe it and I don't expect it. I just don't see any way for me to be a part of his life in a healthy way under the restrictions imposed by the blocks others created. I just don't. I can't see a way to make it happen in a healthy way given the circumstances. 

Maybe I've just spent too long in the head space where nothing I do was even acknowledged let alone brought about any change other than me being attacked so I stopped trying. Maybe there's an obvious answer I'm not seeing because I stopped thinking anything I would do could change it so I'd just accept it and walk away have nothing to do with it..... Which would be fine if he weren't caught in the middle of the mess other people's choices made even though I tried to keep things from him being caught in the middle and hurt the worst by his sister's choices no matter how I react to her choices. because no matter what, he's the one caught in the middle and the one being punished for her behavior and choices and blocks she created.... I assumed the best way to keep him from being hurt caught in the middle of it was for me to walk away have nothing more to do with the bs female bullying games of that sort of "you can't sit with us" behavior patterns. I didn't consider that me leaving would hurt him and still have him caught in the middle the one hurt worst by it all.

I mean, here's the thing with me. My reaction to ANY time in my life that girls have exhibited that sort of "you can't sit with us" behaviors patterns has been to shrug and say, "Wooooow, you're a fucking bitch, ain't you? That's alright I don't sit with bitchy people, they're no fun and spend too much of their time and energy putting other people down. I'll go sit over there and entertain myself and anybody who gets sick of this is welcome to come sit with me. Only rule will be no using your words or actions to try to cut other people down." And that's just how I deal with it. You can't hurt ME by excluding me, you just make me pity you think you're a cruel person who gets your kicks by how you can cut other people down. Where such behaviors CAN hurt me, however, is when people I DO care about get caught in the middle of the behaviors, when they get hurt. Let me be perfectly clear, both Liz and Britt have treated me in exclusionary female bullying ostracism ways and it just makes me think less of them and the band as a collective that they can't live up to the inclusive ideals they always claimed to stand for as a band. Ghosting and silent treatment as their reaction to me trying to bring it up just doubles down the "you're a bitch who needs to cut other people down to build up your own ego, and I feel nothing but pity for you."  I have no desire for any sort of relationship with either of them unless or until they acknowledge their modes of behavior and the toxicity in them -- I have better things to do with my life and my time and my energy than sucking up to someone playing queen bee mean girl mind games to try to humble others to get her own ego boost. The ONLY thing I care about with this dynamic is that he's caught in the middle of it and things he loves and adores and pours his energy and heart and soul into are the exact places I am made unwelcome and bullied from being allowed to join in. My (very stoic punk introvert influenced) reaction is to shrug and be like, "You have fun with that -- I want no part in these bullying mind games. If you want me, seek me out but know that I have no interest in any sort of bullying patterns or mind games." I don't want to pull him away from the people and group dynamics that are bullying in that way, it's for him to decide who and what he wants relationships with -- I just don't want to be a part of it and I have no admiration or love for anybody who tries to play those sorts of games with me. The only reason it upsets is me is that it means any deepening of connection to him just puts him more in the middle for him to be hurt by it and he CAN be hurt by those sorts of bullying mind games and he CAN be hurt having that sort of tension and "you're not welcome here" between people and things that are central to his life.

But it upsets me to feel like my presence (or absences) causes discord and pain to him. I don't give a damn about it for my own sake, I care that it puts him in the middle and her choices have created a "choose me or her, but I don't want her included in anything that is done by any group that includes me." And this situation she created makes me feel like me being in his life puts him in the middle torn and in pain no matter what I do. And the person being told they can't sit at that table can't make the peace to be invited back to the table which means I can't heal make a peace where he isn't being pulled in the middle. I can't unblock me or invite me back to the table, y'know? My solution to him being put in the middle was to say, "this isn't right, I won't play this game. I don't want him hurt being put in the middle like this. I'll just leave this entire situation." I still think that's the best way to not have him in the middle like a rope tugged opposing ways. I just didn't think that me removing myself from the situation after I was made unwelcome and ostracized might hurt him -- he's had lives before without being able to find or reach me I just figured he could do it again since he's done it before. So I figured it the kinder choice, not to have him hurt by being in the middle of such idiotic mind games her choices created and giving him again the devil he knows of not finding or reaching me.

I understand that upset and hurt him deeply at a core deep soul level and made him feel like there was no point in anything and nobody cared and nothing mattered if he couldn't find a way to reach me again.... Which is why I've promised not to do that again to him and to accept that the bond is OURS not MINE and I can't just put it to sleep take it away from him like that without hurting him deeply.... But, I don't see how other than me going away like that, given she won't try to heal or talk about or even acknowledge bringing it up, there's any way not to have him caught in the middle where she's forcing him to choose "us or her who I've excluded from the group." Like, other than me leaving, how does he not get caught in the middle of that tug of war and choice created by her "you can't sit with us" past actions and choices and her refusal to acknowledge or do anything about the past choices? I don't see any other way not to have him in the middle and hurt in a no win situation unless I give him up and just go like I tried to do. 

I guess I just feel like this situation means that whether I stay or whether I go, the strife and tension of the situation created in October 2018 and him being caught in the middle of it means I become a source of pain to him no matter what I try to do. And I don't want him hurting... I've never wanted to be that to him. That's not anything I ever wanted.... Which is how I got it into my head that if he found someone that made him happy, I could just solve it by disappearing pulling away and leaving him to the happiness he chose. And I really did think he found it from everything he said and the songs he wrote and his claim he'd fallen in love with the lamprey lady. I really thought that was my "cut clean for his sake" chance to save him from being stuck in the middle and I had an opportunity  to do it in a time and way he wouldn't notice my absence.... And yeah I would be hurt and sad but stoic streak that can lead me to martyring and anyway I was in the hollows over my dog dying and me being unable to find a way to keep her alive longer, so for at least the time I was in the hollows I knew I would be emotionally anesthetized so wouldn't feel anything anyway including the loss of letting him go.

But I guess I'm still not behaving or reacting as if I expect there's any way for him and me to have a rapprochement and for our life paths to become a shared life path. I'm behaving and reacting from a place of love that has a desire to support him in whatever course will make him the happiest he can be -- but I'm not bringing myself any closer to him and I'm not creating opportunities for our paths to cross or for me to have more interactions with him. Because to come any closer would just make it hurt that much deeper than it already does when I am confronted once again with the fact I have to give him up or accept that there's too much that's toxic in the way for us to have something healthy grow between us. It's like I want him to be happy, and I believe him when he says losing access to the bond and his connection to me wounds him deeply, but I'm also always just  waiting for that one distraction that brings him joy and then I'll cut and run take off. I'd do it again you know, if I believed that he was happier now with whoever he found and that I was just in the way of that connection. I'd follow that same pattern of rationalization and stoicism and I'd go. Again. I'd tell myself that now he's found something/someone else he's chosen for his life, it couldn't possibly hurt him to lose me. And I'd do exactly the same pattern as the other times he's been infatuated with another woman.....and I can't say I wouldn't sever the few remaining ways he has to reach me because I might. If pushed far enough that I thought it best for him and that it would lessen the pain for me, I would do it. 

The thing is..... I've never seen anything come of me trying to give him up, no matter who or what else he chose that I thought would be enough, that didn't end up hurting him and hurting him deeply.... I don't know that I can try to create more distance between him and me without it affecting him negatively.... Perhaps I need to accept that no matter anything else, stretching the connection thinner more tenuous between us only ever hurts him. That there is no scenario that exists where I can say "Right he's happy now so he won't notice or care if I disappear out of his reach." Like, maybe that just doesn't exist for him no matter what he chooses to have in his life.

I hadn't really considered that. I guess. I think I just sort of assumed that if he was going to choose "not me" then he wouldn't be upset over losing me so long as he still had whatever "not me" he had chosen. But maybe that's wrong headed.... 

But. Here's the thing.

Nothing can get better if you give up trying... Not between him and me and not in any situation. You have to BELIEVE there's a way through and that if you keep trying to find it you will... 

I dunno. I just don't know what he wants. Would he rather be caught in the middle of this mess of his sister's making? Of her making because she didn't want to hear my honest truth that pitchy country vocals while they were trying to be country radio was hurting my color-timbre synesthesia too much so was going to stop me attending future Delta Rae shows. That's the comment, my actual truth  that precipitated me being blocked. I stated how much I loved the song Hands Dirty and everything it stands for and was super excited for the new recording but I was sad that I wouldn't get to see it live while they were playing country shows because the twanging vocals before/after their sets was too painful for me with my color-timbre synesthesia. That was the statement of my truth as experienced at the Q106 toys for tots show in Madison they were part of while trying to be country, and that was the reason I got blocked. For stating how much I loved the new song and everything it stood for and all the reasons I loved it and my sadness I didn't think I would get to hear it in person due to my color-timbre synesthesia and how I experience the twanging vocals at country radio shows..... Like if you ever see me at a country music show, or even some bluegrass shows and I LOVE bluegrass music, you'll see me flinch at every twang across certain vocal ranges because of the colors across the twang. I can't help it, it's just how I experience it and it hurts with some (most) country vocalists and also a lot of bluegrass vocalists. 

But I guess... I don't KNOW that it would hurt him more to be caught in the middle of the ostracism bullying dynamic than to have me pull away sever the inner contact try to disappear when he seems happy with what he has in his life.... I've been ASSUMING since October 2018 he'd rather have me leave than be caught in the middle of this stupid ostracism bullying bullshit, but also I tend to deal with those behavior patterns by not engaging or having anything to do with them. All my actions and choices since October 2018, they haven't been about me trying to figure out how I can STAY with him, they've been me trying to hurt him the least possible by keeping the ways he can reach me tenuous and the moment he's happy trying yet again to remove myself from the equation so he can't end up caught in the middle of the stupid dynamic that makes me feel unwelcome with anything to do with his band.

But I suppose. It begs the question.... Given how upset and stubborn and fighting refusing to give up he got about me trying to leave him pull the connection from him, I should be asking if he wants me and the connection to STAY with him. As opposed to not taking it away until he seems happy enough I don't think he'll notice.... Because, waiting til I think he's happy enough he'll not notice the absence of me and the bond is not at all the same thing as STAYING. Y'know? 

And right now, I do seem to still have inside me the assumption and (false?) premise that it would hurt him less for me to choose not to have him in the middle of the messy dynamic than the hurt of losing the connection to me....So I'm always just waiting for him to find someone or something else that seems to make him happy before I try to slip away so he'll not be caught in the middle of a connection I honestly don't care about at this point other than how it has the potential to hurt him having him stuck in the middle of loving something I am ostracized from not welcome or included in.... But. I should consider. It might be his truth that what he WANTS is that me and the bond STAY with him.

In which case, every time I question and pull away from connecting deeper with HIM, I'm once again acting wrong headedly on a bad premise and willfully behaving in ways that cause him hurt even though my goal is to try to find the path where he gets hurt the least. So even though I rationalize that it's for the sake of his happiness he's found and chosen, in pulling away trying to look elsewhere I'm doing exactly what I don't WANT to do at all regarding him....

Maybe I've just been too long working under the assumption that him caught in the middle of this stupid bullying behavioral patterns being asked to choose would cause him more pain than me trying to decide for him "I don't want to play this game so I'm leaving the mind games and you so you can't be caught in the middle to be hurt by it." Maybe it's not so insoluble... It only seems like it is when I assume that him being in the middle has the potential to hurt him more deeply than me pulling the rug out from him trying to disappear out of his reach every time he seems happy with what's in his life.

Interestingly, I didn't share it on Sat when they sent it, but this was from the AstroPoets email horoscope for this week:

"Week 1/28 in Libra: Love is where you are welcome. You are welcome everywhere. You are welcome here where you are loved. A ray of light. A comforting whisper."

"Week 1/28 in Pisces: You can hardly see it. But these days are little jewels. Take each one out. Take each one into the flower of everything. Poetry will live on."

It's just interesting to me, that the Libra one deals with the question of where one is loved being tied to where one is welcome and insists that you're welcome everywhere. Which does seem to be the theme and the question of my overthinking and the events of this week.... Me asking and questioning where I am wanted, where I am welcome, and deciding I'll put my time and energy only into the people and places and communities where I am ACTUALLY welcome and wanted (and loved.)

 Okay. Unrelated to the stoic heavy hopelessness in most of that last post. This is just a post of joy and sunrises. Promise!

DID YOU HEAR THE NEW BILLY JOEL SONG YET?!?!?! THE ONE THAT CAME OUT TODAY?!?! DID YOU HEAR IT YET? DID YOU DID YOU DID YOU?!?!?! 

Because I did!!! And it's so beautiful made me so happy to hear it on the radio that I started happy crying on my drive home with the sunrise!!!! (After that last post, I stayed at work til sunrise because I decided nearly 4am was definitely unsafe o'clock for me to head home on my own with nobody but my cat waiting up for me and the dog. Also, it means that I only have to get 10 more hours in for the week which I can mostly do tomorrow (today now) and then I don't have to worry about Fri when I have opera plans and Saturday hours can count toward next week to help relieve stress with Cirque on Sun and Nickel Creek concert on Weds and Stardust: From David Bowie to Bach contemporary dance on Fri.) 

Anyway. The new Billy Joel song Turn The Lights Back On (and the story behind it being written/recorded) makes me so incredibly happy!!!! I knew it came out Feb 1 and was just geeking out excited about it with Hannah and Emma in the wee hours of Saturday into Sunday but in my head it was still Jan 31, even though it was after midnight and even after first light, because it was the same "before sleep" so I completely forgot to listen to it until the morning DJ on Z104 (top 40 hits station)  gave the intro talking about Billy Joel having a new single and playing at the Grammys preparatory to start playing it for the iheart radio stations  first listen at 7am. I squee-ed so loudly at the talk about Billy Joel realizing what song it meant and that it IS now Feb 1 and no longer Jan 31 and that meant it was "First New Billy Joel Single in 17 Years" day!!!! And then the song started. And I just. Honestly, those opening piano chords hit me straight in the heart and I pulled over parked on the residential street facing the sunrise for giving it a listen. 

And I just listened to it for the first time and watched the sunrise and all the things it made me feel just started me happy crying during one of the cello parts, especially because in all my happy feelings about having new Billy Joel after so long there was also the message in the song feeling like a response to the things weighing on my heart, even though that doesn't even make any logical sense, but it was how it FELT. And that mix of joy at a beautiful brand new Billy Joel song, on the radio, and the message in it and how it hit me, blurred up the sunrise made me cry but in the happy break your heart open to the light sort of way. After I had stopped happy crying at hearing it and dried my eyes, I finished driving home. And Waffles has happily kenneled herself gone to bed now we are FINALLY home after the sunrise and I'm in my pj's laying across my bed playing the new Billy Joel song on repeat for Spock who is purring and rubbing his cheeks and chin against the phone at the piano parts. 

O BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD IT YET!!! GO LISTEN TO THE NEW BILLY JOEL SONG!!!! AND EVEN IF YOU DID HEAR IT ALREADY, GO LISTEN AGAIN!!!!!!!! 

MY HEART IS SO HAPPY FULL OF SPARKLES AND SUNRISES RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! 💖

"Some people are just going to hate you, No matter what you do. So don't waste your time trying to change their minds – Just be a better you. It took me years to learn this (More than I’d like to admit) But through my ups and downs I figured one thing out: Don’t take anyone’s shit."

I really loved seeing The Flying Lovers of Vitebsk! It's the love story of Marc Chagall and Bella Chagall and it goes through their history and how it intersected with the world history of that period (WW1, the Russian Revolution, WW2) and how that history affected their life paths as Jewish painter and a Jewish writer trying to survive and navigate that era. Both Marcus and Emily were incredible in the roles and how they played off each other. Also, I loved having the two musicians onstage throughout, made it a four person play not a two person play, for the sung portions of the script and for the underscoring throughout the play. It was beautifully done! It was mostly piano and cello, but the pianist (who is also the musical director with Forward Theatre Company) also sometimes played mandolin and accordion, not just the piano. It was beautiful! And I was in a such a happy food and whiskey nirvana inner place going into the show!!! I had suggested for dinner we go to Himal Chuli, a Nepali-Tibetan restaurant that has been one of my comfort foods since I was a kid -- specifically their Tuk Pa. And then after we finished eating, we had about an hour or so of time so I suggested we stop by Cask & Ale for drinks beforehand. Crissy had a bourbon Manhattan and I did side by side pours of Kilbeggan single grain and Kilbeggan small batch rye because I've never actually tried any Kilbeggan, it wasn't available state side for a while even though it's the oldest Irish distillery dating back to the 1700s, and that's rare with Irish whiskeys that make it to the states that I've never tried anything from the line. I can't say that about scotch, I love me a good scotch but there's a LOT of scotches stateside that I've never tried. Regarding the Kilbeggan, it was a nice whiskey, especially for the lower end price range it sits in (price comparable to Jameson or Busker or Sexton.) The single grain blend was smoother and easy sipping (though it could have been because it had been open a while to oxidize and mellow) with some lovely vanilla and smoke in the nose. The rye definitely had that rye bite and spices punch on the palette that I love in a good rye, it wasn't as easy sipping smooth, but I liked it for when I'm in a rye mood and I think it would be amazing with ginger beer for my go to cocktail of whiskey gingers. Kilbeggan's site said it's available at both Steve's Liquor and Riley's Liquor stores in town so I'm thinking I will pick up a bottle of each in the near future. One for sipping and one for whiskey gingers!

So. here's the thing about what I randomly threw in the other day about my overthinking. And I realize it came out rather blind sidingly how I dropped that truth bomb... Look, I'm not saying I'm giving up on Eric and the bond there or pulling away. I'm just saying that I don't know that I want to constantly have weighing on me the emotional load of navigating the boundaries that his sister made, for herself and the band as a collective. I certainly don't want the weight on my heart of those choices and the consequences of them to be any deeper woven through my life than it is right now where I can spend long periods of time ignoring and forgetting it. I didn't block me back in October 2018, it's not my boundary, I can't unblock me, I can't heal the block and the boundary that now exists as a result. That's just facts. I had no choice in the creation or the maintenance of it, my choices are I can respect it or disrespect it, but I can't alter it or change it. I tried over and over and over and over trying to talk about it just got silence from the band members and being attacked by their fans told that it must be my fault somehow because it wouldn't have happened to me if I didn't deserve it. So as far as I am concerned, I'm done trying to talk to them about it to seek to heal this make it right. I'm just going to accept the truth that blocking is to state "I don't wish to exist to you" and under those precise terms of the choices other people made, I will respect the boundaries of the blocks created in 2018 -- Liz doesn't exist to me, Britt doesn't exist to me, and Delta Rae as a band doesn't exist to me any longer. I don't listen to any of the songs from the band anymore, not a single one of them. Not even the ones that are Eric's songs and songs that I always loved from the very first moment I heard them. 

I admit that I can't square the circle of Britt blocking me in October 2018 and in the summer of 2019 deliberately coming over to me in the pouring rain hugging me tight after the show in Steven's Point thanking me for being there asking me to promise I will stick around with them -- the contrast between one set of her actions and another set of her actions don't fit together into any sort of coherent pattern. They just don't. Both actions HAPPENED, but they don't make sense in the context of each other. If that makes sense. I've been unable to fit those two pieces together to make sense since 2019, but since I remained blocked which is a constant daily reinforcement of "I don't wish to exist to you" I decided that respecting that as her dominant feelings on the matter and the seeking me out welcoming hug asking me to stay with them was the aberration... Because one is a continuous set of choices/messaging and the other was an "it happened once" action and choice and message. They don't fit together, I don't pretend they do, but after nobody was willing to fix or even acknowledge me being blocked once they were indie and all the choices about things like that were on what they as a band want not a management related anything, I stopped trying to make sense of it and just chose to accept the standing ongoing message/choice from the past action as the consistent message and I have done my best to let trying to figure out the other into the "doesn't exist to me" category of things.... And I ain't going to pretend they make sense but also they're not my choices so I guess they don't have to make sense to me?... 

As far as I'm concerned, I do my best to be a kind respectful person who sees free will as sacrosanct so if ANYONE tells me that their boundary is that they don't want to exist to me, I don't have to like it and I don't have to understand it but I will damn well do my best to respect that. And that means, in this case, I will do my best not to seek out or interact with or allow myself to pay attention to or see those who don't wish to exist to me, fine. When our paths cross, I will be painfully polite and kind for the duration of the interaction, but I will have nothing deeper to give (no love or affection or admiration available) for anybody who wishes not to exist to me and I will not seek out any connection or having anything to do with those whose free will choice is not to exist to me. I'm sorry but that's just how it is. 

And that puts Eric right in the middle of it, even though it's not about his choices that this has happened or continues to be a thing... Which isn't right by him, but I didn't create this situation or put him in the middle of it. When it was made clear to me in 2019 that no path I took and nobody in the band i approached by addressing the block, that i was going to be ghosted, ignored, and have the band like the victim blaming responses from fans without ever replying or even acknowledging me bringing up the blocks, so I dealt with the creation of this situation by deciding that he would of course choose his band over me and none of this was fair to him and I didn't want him in the middle of it so since it involved everything his life was built around, I decided I was going to cut him out block the bond so he couldn't reach me or me him. And that way, he could have the things central to his life and I wouldn't be a conflict to that centrality or distracting his focus from what I assumed (and still assume) matters most to him in his life. (That was the second time that the connection was blocked, that was the time I emulated what I had seen the lord of the Seelie due to put the bond to sleep the time previous when I had asked.) And he didn't like that didn't want it and fought me quite stubbornly about the bond and in the end I agreed that the bond is shared between us so it's as much his as mine and it's not right for me to try to put it to sleep if that isn't what he chooses. And I stand by that conclusion, the bond is OURS not MINE. 

Only, I don't know what to do about the fact that his sister made it so neither she nor the band desires to exist to me when she chose of her own free will to block me on both those accounts on Instagram. I can't fix that, I can't change that, I didn't block me and I can't unblock me -- and it's the only reason that I stopped listening to Delta Rae music entirely, didn't attend any of the Light and Dark tour concerts, have no interest in any future recordings or songs they create together, and after dealing with cutting out the ties to the shadow being at the April 23 show, I have no intention of attending any future Delta Rae shows. It's the only reason that stops me from listening or showing up or wanting anything that the band has to offer, and maybe it's a small thing but the "this collective doesn't wish to exist to you" block still exists and it means that no matter what Ian or any of the guys say or do it doesn't CHANGE anything as far as I'm concerned because I hear the words as being intended for those who AREN'T blocked -- the words are for those who are wanted and welcomed as fans and for whom the band wishes to exist. And that doesn't include me. I don't know how to understand anything written in the band emails any other way than to assume they are meant for those that the band wishes to exist to and that doesn't include me because I am neither wanted nor welcomed by the band as a collective... The fact I am blocked on the band's official Instagram account means that the band as a collective doesn't wish to exist to me and I feel uncomfortable and guilty ignoring that boundary created and maintained in the name of the band as a collective. 

That's just where things are at. And I don't know that there is any healthy relationship building between Eric and me that can happen when his sister and his band don't wish to exist to me and I will be painfully polite about respecting that boundary and can offer nothing but the respect due that set of free will choices that created this situation AND maintains it. Were those boundaries created by my choices or his choices? No, neither he nor I chose to create those blocks and boundaries -- but they now stand between us and impair the growth of anything healthy developing between us so long as those boundaries exist... and that gives me pause about the thought of trying to draw closer, especially when I compare it to how things could have been and how they are in my relationships with so many other musicians and bands and singer-songwriters (most especially the Irish, but that's also the scene I remain most involved in at this point.) I understand and respect (and agree) that I shouldn't just block off the connection via the bond or stop him from trying to reach me -- it's unhealthy for both of us when I've tried that. Okay fine, yes, I agree. He's right about that, I don't like what it does to either of us when the bond is dormant or severed in any fashion so we can't reach each other. But, I don't know or see how bringing us closer together can have a happy ending or be healthy in this life given the blocks and boundaries that others created and put between us. 

I mean, I'm very transparently honest this life to the best of my own subjective experiences, and I always will be with everyone, and that's not going to change. And I cannot extend affection or love or admiration or even a positive reaction of any sort to any person or collective that has chosen to not want to exist to me. I'm going to respect that free will choice for as long as that's the other person's choice -- as long as I am blocked, neither his sister nor his band will exist to me in any capacity of my choosing and I will have nothing but polite distant comme il faut kindness and nothing deeper when paths do cross and i will go back to respecting the boundary created just as soon as I am allowed to.

So I'm not going to pull away or try to diminish or dampen the bond at all at this time. But I can't see my way to putting any further energy or time into trying to build and strengthen and grow the connection between him and me when I can't see a way for things to work out toward a happy resolution in the real world given the blocks and boundaries other people have placed between important parts  of his life and wanting them not to exist to me.  It just seems to me that since I can't change or alter other people's choices in this situation and I can't act to heal or mend what's been broken as a result of third party choices, I can't see that putting energy/time into building with him is going to take us to anything other than future difficulties and continuing heartache. I just don't see it.... 

And that's why I'm choosing nonaction regarding him and the bond connecting us at this time. I'm not going to let myself be bothered by communities and people who make me feel unwanted and unwelcome where me trying to be part of it for his sake just reminds me that I'm not wanted and they don't wish to exist to me....

And I'm not going to let the bond existing stop me from investing of my time and energy into the people and communities where I'm wanted and welcomed and invited at every single possible opportunity by every single person.

Maybe I'm wrong headed on this. Maybe there's something in it I'm not seeing clearly. Maybe he has a solution for it, maybe he doesn't even care at all about it. I don't know. But I don't see a path to anything healthy or good coming from any attempt to bring me back into closer involvement in a situation where I am made to feel unwelcome and unwanted because I have been told quite clearly by actions "I don't wish to exist to you" and that choice has been maintained even unto this very moment 4.5 years later. It needs to be dealt with if he wants to have me closer involved in his life given the centrality in his life of what chooses not to want to exist to me.... And I can't heal it or fix it on my own and I'm tired of trying to create space for healing it and only getting ignored or attacked for me even bringing it up. So I've decided to just accept the boundary and to say, "Alright then. You don't exist to me. By your will and choices and actions." And as long as I'm just accepting the block and the boundary, I don't see what good can come of trying to strengthen the connection or bringing his life path and my life path closer together.... It's not that I don't WANT to strengthen the connection and bring our life paths together, I just don't see that it will bring joy or healthy relationship with that unhealed toxicity between his life and me left to fester rather than faced and dealt with....  I don't blame him for it existing, he didn't create it, but I don't see how he and I can have anything healthy together when the choices made in the entire band's name continue to exist and the band is central to his life. I just don't see what I could do from my side to try to heal and improve things and I don't see anything good growing out of the soil poisoned by this block and boundary existing.... I just don't see the way to heal it and I don't see the beautiful potentials that are there being able to grow into something good if what happened isn't healed and acknowledged and faced....

So I'll let it be and I won't pull away from him or try to push him away or cut off the bond or anything... But I'm also not going to put more energy/time into strengthening the connection, I won't do anything to try to bring us closer together or to seek him out to see more of what he's building and doing with his life so long as there's this block/boundary created in the name of what is central to his life not wanting to exist to me. 

[Post Title: Lyrics to the NEW NEW NEW Frank Turner song Do One.  I am so fucking excited for this album release!!!!! It's old angry punk "fuck the haters" Frank whose songs and sound I fell in love with back in college! I have loved this song since I heard it on his last tour and I'm so excited he released Do One as a single!!!!! AND!!! NEW ALBUM MEANS NEW TOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And in the mosh pit at Frank Turner shows is one of my absolute happiest places in the entire world, has been since discovering Love, Ire, & Song and it will be for as long as he keeps writing angry punk philosophical singer-songwriter songs and keeps touring them all!!! The Frank scene is one of my all time absolute favorite music scenes!]

[Here's the full lyrics to the entire song Do One. Because all of them are the song of my streak of defiance "you can't destroy my joy no matter what the fuck you do" that's central to my identity. And I had a hard time shortening the rest out for this title, lol.

"Some people are just going to hate you,
No matter what you do.
So don't waste your time trying to change their minds –
Just be a better you.
It took me years to learn this
(More than I’d like to admit)
But through my ups and downs I figured one thing out:
Don’t take anyone’s shit

I’m still standing up and there’s nothing you can do.
I’m still standing up.

Some people will search for your weaknesses –
They’ll go to any lengths.
But if you find them first you can take that hurt
And turn it into a strength.
And you’ll wonder why they’re so unkind,
And how they sleep at night,
But that simple fact means you’re better than that –
I think you’re going to be alright.

So which path to choose?
The one less travelled or the one more used?
All the sticks and stones, all the broken bones,
It’s not who you are it’s the things you choose to do." 

O but I love that!! Every damn thing about it!!! And you don't want to know how many times I've listened to this song and how huge it's made me grin and jump around dancing! O but this song and the fact he released it and the announcement of Undefeated have given me so much giddies!!!!! Between Frank and Billy Joel announcements, I've been so fucking happy over the promise of new music and more shows from my forever favorites just over the horizon but where I can see the long shadow of their light already coming!]