While I was in the theater last night with my mom and best friend to go see Wicked (it was really good, definitely recommend you should go see it and should see it on the big screen) I started getting such deep intense rolling waves of sorrow and broken hearted grief while just sitting there waiting through previews. Not my grief, just deep tsunamis of sadness. 

Later on, after getting home, I had a polar bear dream for the first time in... Well.... I don't know how long tbh. But I do know he has not found me in dream space since my conclusions of late July that nothing would change in the repeating toxic cycles created by his sister's choices to block me from the collective of the band that his life is built around and so my choice was to remove myself from the dynamic because she is central to his family life and creative life and career life and so there's no place for me where I am welcomed to be part of his life under the boundaries she imposed on acces to him and these core parts of his life. 

Some of him not reaching me has been my own erratic sleep schedule (the solar flares have been rough as m class flares are among my migraine triggers, though they feel very different from all other migraine types to me so easily recognized, but pain meds have no effect on them.... Rather than pain or intense nausea/vomiting/dry heaving like most of triggers give me migraines, the solar flares make me really motion sensitive light headed with bad syncope fainting spells if I don't rest during them AND I get really bright crackly lightning like silvery bright blue auras every time I move until it dissipates. I'm loving the brilliant frequent aurora displays, but I'm very much looking forward to the end of this solar maximum to reduce that trigger.) so anyway, my erratic sleep schedule has been worsened by the solar flare migraines and it means that if we don't sleep at the same times, there's just no way for him to reach me in shared dream space vision dreams, y'know? 

But he did find me last sleep in dreams. And he was so broken hearted sad when he found me. And. He told me, "Please. I don't know how to make this right between us, I only know that I need it and you. Tell me what I have to do to heal between us." 

And I smiled sadly and put my palm to his palm again said, "Give me hope again. Give me any reasons to cling to that can make me believe not just that you want me, but that I belong in your life and we can build shared future life paths together. Without that, I will let you go and choose to walk my own path without you this life. What else is there for me to do without seeing a place for me within your life as you choose to build it?" 

And then I turned and walked away from his dream self without hearing if he had any response for that -- and on my third step from him I walked right out of the dream into wide awake laying in my bed. I got up and made me a cuppa tea and watched the sunrise (not a particularly pretty or note worthy sunrise, it's a cold grey morning so sunrise was just a lightening of the gray; but I can't sleep across the gloamings no matter what after all) and now I'm trying to decide if I should try to get some more sleep or get up and start some laundry and make myself breakfast.... I didn't sleep much recently and tonight have tickets to see the Broadway tour of & Juliet at Overture Hall with my parents and Sarah and Mikaela. So more sleep at some point during the day would be good. I just am not tired yet and there's an inexplicable major sudden pouring of love light in down the bond which is energizing me a lot.  

I dunno. I'll figure it out. Best I can. 

 Hi hi! Miss me much?

I know I've been a bit quiet here again (also on my socials) but it wasn't really a me re-calibrating or overthinkging stillness like it was across most of the autumn. This was more waiting for the world to catch up on what I've spent months processing and while the collective emotional pendulums are swinging wildly I chose to focus my energy and attention on an intentional turning into my own cozy hygge of existence in a physical body and focusing on what brings delight in the isness of it within ones life (even if the joy is a night out for dinner and drinks or symphony or a football game with family/friends. Or even the simplest (but sometimes most profoundly soul feeding) cozy joys of literally just spending a chilly Nov day in front of a crackling day with a close friend like a chosen bonus little sister and a cuddly purring cat and a snuggly happy puppy drinking coffee and tea and keeping laundry moving along and reading and sketching and chatting or enjoying the comfortable shared silences.) I took a reprieve and a rest while things slip into place and the fatelines start settling down a bit in the joys of this life as it is right now and the people/animals within my life who love me enough to choose me and miss me in my absences. I need more of it (but I'll get some while in the Seattle area with my sister's family for so much of Dec) but I have to get the have tos done and I'm running out of time so the want tos soul recharging will have to be caught in tiny bites. (Tuesday Mikaela (born into Jehovah's Witness family so her holiday traditions are helping this old soul pagan Jewish elf witch setup her Yule tree decorate) is planning to get dropped off and we're going to setup my Christmas tree take out my holiday things so I can enjoy it for three weeks before I leave town AND Spock can sleep on the Nightmare Before Christmas tree skirt through my absence as he loves to do. I'm conflicted what I'm going to do though because living by myself with fur babies but no kids, rather than leave the under the tree empty I honor my love of Nightmare Before Christmas because NORMALLY I leave all of Halloween decorations organized UNDER my Yule tree during the time of the Sun god's death before his rebirth and then put it away at midnight between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It honors Jack Skellington and Sandy Claws AND the older mythos of what happens between worlds from Samhain until solstice of the longest night. And that appeals to me very much. Last year though I was also at my sister's family for Christmas/Channukah and so I left a Spock sized space on the tree skirt with the res of Halloween under the tree until after I got home and did the switch crossing from New Year's Eve into New year's Day.... I'll figure it out. But I AM going to put up my holiday decorations early at home and work this coming week instead of waiting until the (very late this year) Thanksgiving/Black Friday when I normally do it so I can have three weeks loving MY holiday decorations leading up to the holidays ahead beforehand then three weeks of my sister's family's decorations and then the afterglow when I get home before I put it all away for another year. I may do my Channukah lights/prayers in my menorah (that my sister actually bought me as a gift when we were in college and a matching one for herself but is glazed slightly differently and she let me choose between the two which colors I preferred) do double candles each night once I'm back or something... My sister's family will do the first three nights with me but I can't do them on the red eye obviously may miss that night and then finish the last nights once I'm home? Or start at the start for at home because the timing matters less to me than the doing it day after day near it in time? Or do double each night upon my return like 1st then 5th, then 2nd & 6th, then 3rd & 7th then 4th and 8th? I dunno man, I'll figure it out.... I have a little time still to figure it out, lol.) This is actually a fairly light week for me to hygge AND get have tos done now actually -- my grandma got covid last week (which isn't good but she's been on paxlovid and is doing better now and having meals delivered while 10 day quarantined from the dining hall) and has been in forced quarantine due to the outbreak in her building so both her appointments this week have now been rescheduled which frees up my Thurs & Fri of this week.

I've also been trying to get practical things done of chores and things I've been putting off neglecting my practical opposite sign Virgo descendant adulting things that I need done before I leave to visit my sister and family for three weeks in Dec. I fly out of Madison at like 6:30am on Dec 10 with a several hour layover Minneapolis to get into to SeaTac early afternoon and then I fly back on a red eye Dec 29 with the couple hour layover in Detroit to be back in Madison at 9:30am on Dec 30. And I'll be heading in to work pretty quickly in the day after getting dropped off at home with my luggage and spending some time with my cat sleeping before getting in my car because I will have a LOT of work to get caught up on as well as on the 31 I will have to get an end of month deposit done which has to be done before the month/year can be closed out for accounting AND also busting arse to try to get as much of my 40 hours in across the Sat-Sun-Mon before my early morning flight (AND I have my many times rescheduled eye appointment at 9:20am Monday before I fly out and I hope to G-d they have samples or contacts in stock because I've been hoarding reusing my last pair of monthly contacts I opened in August and have been constantly having this damn appointment cancelled/rescheduled since first scheduling it in September and it's been so frustrating a process for me just trying to get my damn optometry appointment done....) I'm so happy that Saturn in Pisces has FINALLY gone direct.... I swear to G-d, everyone says that your natal Saturn returns are hard (and they can be for  some people) but I find it transiting my rising sign (ESPECIALLY the retrograding back and forth across my rising sign) going from endings/hidden enemies into beginnings/self expression the hardest.... First pass from 12th hours to first house was when my alternator went and had to be replaced and needed new tires and a new serpentine belt then as it retrograded back from first to twelfth house I had my fridge stop working defrost everything lose all the remainign harvest from the previous year stored in my freezer (and with Mercury back and forth it took three attempts to get a Costco delivery of an undamaged fridge able to move the hinges to the correct side to open in the small space of my galley kitchen) and then as it moved back from my twelfth to first house was when I had the gushing flooding water issue of the old garbage disposal completely corroding and the backflow dripping down through the dry wall into my downstairs neighbors needing immediate fix.... They were both old water related things that were in the condo when I bought it moved in around 15 years ago now (when Saturn was exactly opposite on my descendant) and it has just been so necessary but fucking difficult like pulling teeth to get adulting things done and my money just trickling away disappearing so I don't have much wiggle room even for book buying as Saturn moved across then backward then back across my ascendant midway in Pisces..... WAY harder the level of concrete home related (Virgo opposite of Pisces, I know) adulting I've had to figure out and do that have required multiple tries and layers of unnecessary that's been like pulling fucking teeth... Whereas my Saturn return was in my 8th house (trine my rising) as part of my Scorpio stellium (with Pluto and Venus, all close but none conjunct -- my stellium where mars and Neptune are conjunct is my Sagittarius stellium) so my Saturn return was really about deaths and rebirths within spirituality and the waking up of new/greater gifts and powers within what I already was dealing with and the potentials for me to consider for merging of life paths from the 5d into everyday 3D level of things. Heavy and probably hard for those who don't swim in deep spiritual waters as their normal state of being, but not nearly as hard as practical real world breaking/defrosting/flooding of things in my kitchen and needing repairs and money being shoestring budgets.

I'm just saying, I am looking forward so much to Saturn moving on from Pisces to make it easier for me to get the practical things done and hopefully my normal easy flowing luck with money and pennies from heaven just enough to scrape by having a reward life of what brings me genuine joy  in living because the modern world is a fucking mess I don't want to invest what matters to me within the corrupt socio-economic system.

Like I said, imho of astrology from observation not study or belief, Saturn transiting through your rising sign especially when it goes back and forth between twelfth and first house is WAY harder than navigating natal Saturn returns... And I'm very much looking forward to Saturn moving on into Aries. (I know I know, it will retrograde back into Pisces again one last time Sept 1 2025 and won't be finally for keeps back in Aries til February 13 2026 so we will be revisitng the karmic themes we've dealt with since March 7 2023 when Saturn first moved into Pisces BUT it's only going back to 25 degrees Pisces so it might be tricky for Pisces placements the ways that the karmic growth and dealing with real world practical has been tricky these recent year, but not going back and forth across my ascendant level of tricky.

Anyway. I don't even remember what I was going to write here when I sat down... I think I mostly just realized it had been a little while again since I last wrote here and maybe I should reassure that I'm not overthinking or doing anything stupid or making any choices that can't be unmade or dealing with new sets of immutable precogs... (I still can't precog anyone being sworn in and I have no insights into the why/how of that.) Just focusing on my own life have tos and cozy hygge joys in life and the people/animals I love who love me enough to choose to be IN my life right now. And don't assume if I get quiet again during my next while of heads down focusing my energy/love/attention on my lived life in this body and this life at this time -- because I might but it's not personal or a concern, just me allocating the time I have before I leave in the ways that are the need tos of practical and the needs tos of soul/heart of what/who is choosing to be IN my life at this time.

O thinking of which. I haven't posted since I got Spock's blood work numbers back, have I? He's somewhere in stage 2 feline CKD (chronic kidney disease) probably early stage 2 but it depends on the metric youre looking at from his tests. but his numbers and tests looked good enough that for now I am to keep him on kidney management good and recheck his levels in 6 months. (Presuming he doesn't take a sudden nose dive in health.) Here is from her actual email of his results if you want numbers, "I would call things about stable.  His Creatinine was 2.4 (normal is 0.6-2.2).  He was at 2.3 at last check.  His BUN was 33 (normal is 15-40).  He was at 30 at last check.  Finally the SDMA was 16 (normal is 0-14).  He was 25 at his last check" That said, he's under 11.9lbs now and he's given me a bit of a scare this week not eating for a couple days and then today he ate too much and then started coughing until he threw some of it up... Hopefully it doesn't mean he's suddenly worse. Basically, at this point, every day and every snuggle and every purr are bonus days/snuggles/purrs with my 15.5 year old sweet piano loving Taurus kitten. 

Unrelated but I love Bluesky from what I've seen of the level of discourse going on there because it's what I once loved in twitter before it devolved into X and I think it could be great for me again aggregating real news about the things I care about most (environment, human rights, bio/medical discoveries, science/engineering, random interesting things, real discussions, etc.) and the chances of needing to have established points of access to not state controlled media/propaganda may soon be very important starting next year.... But also, I haven't had the desire/energy yet to rebuild and start searching and trying to find everyone I found worth following back over when twitter was useful to me as social media. Like I want back what I had, but also I don't have the energy to try to start rebuilding my feeds from scratch.... I haven't deactivated my old twitter yet (it is off my phone and has been for a while because I don't trust the muskrat -- I told you before he is Harvey Dench and I still believe that and don't trust him whatsoever) so I could just go through name by name everyone I used to follow and see if they've moved to bluesky or not.... I'm not sure I like my user name I chose (literally Dani-ella because I wasn't feeling creative enough and it wasn't taken and I didn't want to include last name or numbers or anything at this time, my profile picture is literally a pic of my Audrey Pupburn who died over a year and a half ago, although not the same one that is my insta profile pic.)  Maybe I will want to start rebuilding in a bit, but I'm not there right now with all the everything of this part of the timeline and the fate lines it's on... Sometimes rebuilding from nothing feels like too much energy compared to just letting go of what you once loved.  But the level of actual discourse and discussion and education there is a breath of fresh air after so long without easy ways to aggregate the information I used to easily find. And it's been a long time since scrolling brought me excitement and intellectual curiosity. But so far, all I've done is pin some threads for info to find accounts of interest, not really followed many people except Frank and the bookish tweeter whose name i can't remember right now but who I follow on other socials and haven't really even started liking things to train the algos -- because while I LIKE beautiful photography of the full moon on water and random cats and quotes/covers of books, I don't have enough other data points that liking those posts won't flood out the content I actually desire from the science/news/environmental/civil rights posts. I also checked music as an interest, but haven't (yet) seen any suggestions for that other than searching up Frank turner it was the most Frank single post ever so I buy it's actually him.) I'll just keep chipping away at it slowly following people as I find them. 

All that said. As nice as it is to have my weird sub sections of academic/news/science/literature/arts/music twitter back, creating a whole separate social media for intelligentsia to morrow the maga only social media instead of one crazy chaotic mixed bag of everyone is going to increase silo effect hearing only those who agree with you even more than curated algos ever could.... This is going to widen the divides not bridge or help educate. It's going to radicalize people further into the "my team is always right and anyone who disagrees must be degenerate" dangerous mindset. And it certainly won't help the idea that Democrats are elite at intelligentsia who look down on everyone else.... Yes I can find what I want and what I have missed over there, but I also recognize it's making the divide more permanent when you're not even speaking in the same social media rooms. It's going to feed the already crazy amounts of polarization and bothering that demonizes the "enemy" when you confront the other.... And I don't know how that gets bridged or if it even can be at this point.

 

Ah wait now, you want the most recent Astro Poets email/substack extended horoscopes for Libra & Pisces? This week Libra talks more with other signs than Pisces (especially Gemini and Scorpio) but also it doesn't not dialogue with what has been coming before.

"Week of 11/10 in Libra: Love and all that has meaning. A yellow flower filled with magical spice. Your dreams of everything tender and sweet. Hold in the embrace. Love truly with the thing that lasts."

"Week of 11/10 in Pisces: Some pieces of stones. They can begin to see what can be felt. You know how much feeling it takes to write the song. Now perform. Now say it to whoever will listen."

"Week of 11/17 in Libra: You don’t need a reminder to love. And yet there is something in the sky that reminds you. Everything begins with sweetness. Take that with you finally. Love will bring you green things."

"Week of 11/17 in Pisces: You can know this part. Tell yourself that it is all part of the whole story even. But when you are ready know that you can see it as clearly as you want to. Collect the pennies there. Put them in the river." 

wait.... Did I share the 10 in my last catch up? I know it was after the 3, but was it after the 10? Eh, I don't feel like going back to look to try to figure it out. If I did then you can look at them in dialogue or just ignore the dup0licate. Whatever you prefer. I don't feel like going to the effort of going back to try to figure out which post I had caught up on the missing ones to know if that included the 10 or not.... 

Wanna know what IS interesting about the one from this week? I have insisted since as long as I can remember this life that I do NOT want diamonds at all in my wedding ring because they're actually my least favorite stone (this whole life I find diamonds the most soulless of all gemstones as they only reflect light but have no color or flash or substance or depth of their own, their perfection is their ability to reflect/refract the light from outside of them by their perfect geometry of stacked carbons that makes them a transparent mirror due to their complete lack of anything of their own, they're just over priced disco balls) BUT in 6th grade I got the precog flash of it on my hand and recognized the rightness of it for me so have known since I was 12 or 13 that the wedding band I want for myself is a channel set eternity band of matched emeralds. I even found an antique ring of matched green crystals set in silver that I wore all the time in middle school until the day it disappeared off my finger in the middle of writing an English essay and nobody could find it anywhere... Anyway, the first thing I thought of when I read earlier today "Love will bring you green things." is that I've known with unwavering certainty since I was 12 or 13 that I want channel set matched emeralds for my wedding band whenever i have one to wear.... Are they emeralds for the Emerald isle or because of all places in the US best known for having emeralds is NC or for May Taurus/Gemini? I dunno. I just know an eternity band of channel set matched emeralds is what I want for myself as wedding ring -- and if you look up the symbolism of emeralds you'll understand why symbolically emeralds  are a more perfect representative of what love SHOULD be than a the diamond's soulless empty transparent bit of reflection and refraction but no color/flash/substance of its own

So it took me FOREVER to take care of all the plants last night and head home because it was a week for deep pruning everyone including finally most of the tomatoes had finished nearly all their fruit enough for me to feel comfortable moving them to turn them without immature fruits falling off and trim off the dead and start to cull the ones that will never fruit or flower again are ready to be put outside to die call an end to their season. So I finally finished and let the dog outside then left work at like 2:40am, get in the car and turn the car on and you'll never guess which song was on just started halfway through the first line of the first verse.... It was definitely Stargazing again and I definitely laughed and called the Universe sneaky then happily sang along with it as I drove home in the dark. No deer encounters on the way home that night, though I had a LOT of them in October.  

I slept most of the day and neither animal wanted me to go in to work but I needed to get hours in early this week/weekend because on Thurs night I have plans for Beer School at Great Dane with my mum, Crissy, and Sarah AND Friday night is symphony night and dinner with Crissy and Denis.

Anyway, I wanted to say... Is there cognitive dissonance in saying that being reminded of the polar bear every time I hear certain songs BUT I'm sitting in a place of acceptance that there's no place for me in Eric's life as he's built it this lifetime as a consequence of his friend Liz and sister Britt's choices back in 2018 to ostracize me from themselves personally and the band as a collective because she didn't want to hear my personal truth that the country music played at shows was causing me enough physical pain due to my color-timbre synesthesia I wasn't going to attend more shows while that was a thing? (yes that really is what they hit the block button over, about me being honest about how I experience MOST country twanging vocals by white American vocalists who twang sharp or twang flat at the end of phrases. As to why they refused to acknowledge or talk about it any time I tried to bring it up multiple times in any form, that I don't know why. But that's all about their defensiveness and personal choices and the CONSEQUENCE of their free will choices on this is having excluded me from core parts of his life  saying there's no place for me to be welcome in his life. These choices and the consequences of them are what I've come to acceptance about -- and it has not a damn thing to do with my feelings and desires or his feelings and desires.) Yes, I suppose it looks like there's a bit of cognitive dissonance in that. But. Here's the thing. Accepting that there's no place for me in his life as a consequence of those choices and a refusal to acknowledge them let alone do anything about them to help heal things is distinct from my feelings toward him and my desires and my hope that maybe there's a way to heal things come together in reunion that I just don't see. 

I can accept that I see no way for reunion in this life if nothing changes for me to be welcome rather than ostracized from his life and what it's built around AND still feel warm fuzzy happy feelings when I'm reminded he IS and he exists and is (hopefully) happy in the life he's living and the choices he's making for himself. I'm a bit of an eternal optimist and me saying I don't see a way this lifetime as a consequence of me being ostracized from central things his life is built around he has every right to love and want to see succeed and grow doesn't mean I'm not hopeful for another lifetime, for next lifetime and it doesn't mean I give up on the optimistic hope that maybe there's a path I don't see just because I'm being a realist about this path and these consequences and what the free will choices of others have imposed as limits on what is currently possible for me being in his life. Being realistic that I can't change this because they're not my choices and never were and I can't make people communicate with me if they refuse to every time I have tried isn't the same as saying there's no way to change things -- it's being honest change can't happen unless/until other people are willing to communicate and make changes to this toxic dynamic that is a consequence of other people's choices and their defensiveness around those choices. 

Even though I've been pouring my energy and love into what and who IS choosing me and choosing to be in my life, it still makes me happy to know he IS and that he's out there trying to live his best life pursuing the happiness he chooses as best he can with the choices he can make even as I accept and have been making myself come to terms with the fact that I'm no part of that and can't be any part of that this life based on the choices others have made and he has allowed them to make for him. If I am no part of the life he chooses for himself and the happiness he's seeking this lifetime, there's still joy for me in knowing he IS and believing he's pursuing that and making the magic of what he wants his life to be about even if his choices leave me no part of it. I've never been one to love in a possessive way this life -- the only way I've ever known how to love is to rejoice in the joys of those I love and to be with them through the hard times help them find the light to get back up keep fighting when the world knocks them down. I don't know how to love in a possessive way that says, "you need to be mine and be with me even if trying to force this takes away from what brings you joy in your life."  I'd rather he be happy than that he be mine if making those things an either/or is what he chooses (or lets others choose for him) than trying to force me being in his life when I'm not welcome there and am ostracized from being included as a part of it. For me, he doesn't have to want me in his life make me feel welcome in it (even if that's still what I would selfishly want) for me to still love him and be happy to be reminded he IS and rejoice in the belief that he is happy with his life as he's building it and pursuing the happiness he seeks in his life. I mean, all cards on the table, he spent a lot of lifetimes teaching me to accept lives where we don't cross paths and lives where he chose others rather than me to have in his life (almost always for societal or family pressure reasons) so it's not like it's a new lesson for me to be happy he IS but accept our lifepaths aren't together this life and so I should look to build with those who DO choose me for their lifepath.

What I don't want and the reason I've been working on the radical acceptance that there's no place for me in his life as he has built it this lifetime is to lie to myself any longer with an empty promise of reunion "at some point this life" when that's not possible so long as I'm not actually welcome in his life.  It's better for me and my mental/emotional health for me to focus on who/what IS in my life choosing me wanting me and to let him go not reach out to him even in dreamspace and not ACTUALLY see (or not "not see" in the case of him sharing stories from the band or his sister) what he is building for his life as long as I'm not wanted, not welcomed, not included, and actively ostracized from being any part of what matters most is most central to him and his life.

I'm still happy to be reminded that he IS and the love that IS between our souls across lifetimes even if I've spent since late July sitting in the place of radical acceptance of his choices and actions/inactions and values and me not being welcome in his life and him being okay and accepting of that and taking active part in reminding me that I'm not welcome or included in what is most central to his life this lifetime. Accepting that about this life due to the consequences of choices others made for themselves and in his name as a member of a collective hasn't shifted my love for him or my joy that he IS or my hope for him that he reach the happiness he chooses and is pursuing for his life. So why would it make me feel anything but warm and fuzzy to be reminded he IS, even if he's not in my life at this time, and that hopefully he is happy building the life he chooses for himself this lifetime even if I'm no part of it and can't see it.

Does that make sense? I haven't turned off my heart or in any fashion ceased caring about him hoping he reaches his happiness even if I've made me accept that I'm no part of it because I'm not wanted and am actively excluded from his life what matters most to him in it. Me focusing on what is within my life and who/what chooses me and wants me doesn't mean I stopped loving him or wanting him, it just means I'm being honest with myself over reality as it IS right now due to the free will choices that were made that got us to here. What free will choices WILL be made is a completely different kettle of fish from the ones that WERE made and have been made thus far.

I didn't stop loving him or wishing for his happiness just because I unfollowed his insta in late July as part of me accepting his actions/inactions as representing his choices and accepting the truth that there's currently no place for me in his life when I'm unwelcome actively excluded from core parts of it and that he doesn't seem to care about reminding me I'm excluded from who/what is central to his life as he has built it this life.

And I could be wrong. I've never claimed infallibility, just claimed precog flashes and gifts of prophecy with the open acknowledgement I never see happy surprises among my precogs. It's entirely possible he DOES want me in his life and that for him having me in his life is integral to the happiness he seeks for himself..... It's very possible that's his truth and he's been hurting and suffering these months since I pulled back and made me accept there's no place for me in his life and he doesn't know what to do to repair this brokenness between us.... That's very possibly his truth and I wouldn't know it because you can't know what you don't know. I'm just not going to let myself believe in that possibility without any evidence or proof of it, especially when I've been actively reminded by him and his choices/actions back in July that I'm not welcome am actively excluded and ostracized from core parts of the life he built himself this lifetime. If I'm wrong about him and what he wants, then it's for him to show me and tell me I'm wrong and make clear to me his truth because right now my assumptions are built on choices made by people who are dear to him and made those choices in his name and his choices/actions/inactions regarding their choices as to who is and isn't welcome to be included in core parts of his life.

I can be happy he IS and have love for him when I'm reminded of him while I'm also still focusing my energy/love on who/what IS in my life and accepting that there's no place for me in his life as he's built it and who/what he chooses for himself. They're not mutually exclusive.

Does that make sense? There may be some seeming cognitive dissonance in it, but only if you assume that love has to be a possessive all or nothing thing. And it's just not for me. I can love him feel warm fuzzies to be reminded of that love between our souls while accepting that there's no place for me in his life at this point so I need to focus on those who do choose me in their life.

Anyway, I haven't shared the Libra/Pisces Astro Poets since week of 9/29 and since the one for the coming week came in, I thought maybe I should. Libra is still all about love and being loved and sitting in a place of love and while Pisces still seems in dialogue about it, it seems to be more about what one wants rather than being so laser focused on being surrounded by love....So here you go:

"Week of 10/6 in Libra: You can see what you most wanted. That’s here now in so many ways. There’s a yellow tree with ferns. A palm tree in the midst of it. There’s a tree with a butterfly and that’s you."

"Week of 10/6 in Pisces: There is a sea that holds a song. The song is blue and grey. Besides that everything you want to be here already is here. You can love with abandon. You can love because you want to."

"Week of 10/13 in Libra: A love that is held in neon green. It shines with light that you can see. Everyone can see the care that is there. Let it run free with light that you hold. In the midst of it you can glitter with the daylight."

"Week of 10/13 in Pisces: A bright glowing green heart. Put that in the water. Take it in front and say what you most mean. You put bright purple in the bedroom. You put the songs of love in the ocean midst."

"Week of 10/20 in Libra: Love like blue it soothes. You have every bit that is fluttering with wings of the butterfly. Write down what you expect from the magical sea. Your love cannot be gone. The love for you is everywhere."

"Week of 10/20 in Pisces: You prepare a nightly feast. And then you offer it up to the day. Enjoy what time has to offer. It’s not real, but it might as well be. It’s real for you."

"Week of 10/27 in Libra: There’s an optimism to these days. You’ve found that you can delight in every small thing. Why not have it truly. There are pieces in the ether. There is a love you find there and everywhere."

"Week of 10/27 in Pisces: Write your little notes everywhere. With pens that drip with forgiving energy. A green bit of mischief. You can put it all in. You can let your love flow now."

"Week of 11/3 in Libra: A love so bright it exceeds brightness. That’s what you emanate truly. Love will find you and is already there. Green and blue surrounds. Your best friend loves you."

"Week of 11/3 in Pisces: Everything that can be. You circle around. You see into the distance a light. There’s an immensity to the clouds. Go into them."

"Week of 11/10 in Libra: Love and all that has meaning. A yellow flower filled with magical spice. Your dreams of everything tender and sweet. Hold in the embrace. Love truly with the thing that lasts."

"Week of 11/10 in Pisces: Some pieces of stones. They can begin to see what can be felt. You know how much feeling it takes to write the song. Now perform. Now say it to whoever will listen."

 

 Not sure if that makes sense of the last month or so or of this coming week, but it's what Astro Poets wrote for both signs, for both my sun sign and my rising sign. Pretty sure Astro Poets is primarily for sun signs in their horoscopes, but as I've said those two signs have been dialoguing with each other all year in ways that no other signs dialogue with each other across time in the Astro Poets horoscopes -- so I've still been sharing them both.

Anyway. Back to drinking tea and inputting for a bit until the dog and I head home -- when the dog will take herself to bedtime in her kennel and I'll change into pjs and stay up reading and drinking tea and cuddling the cat until whenever I head to sleep (or don't). And then tomorrow is a new day and we'll find out what it holds for me (maybe not much of a sunrise though, and weather says rain, lol.) And I don't have any scheduled plan plans til Thurs (other than getting hours in) but I do still have to reschedule my optometry appointment (AGAIN) because they cancelled the Thurs one due to an in house training AND pick up Heartgard for the dog (call All 4 Pets to find out their price vs PetCo, which I know is a legit store with a Janesville location not overseas or expired or scam site) for just that since we're moving into the season without fleas/ticks so I can pick up the nexgard in the Spring and save myself for now) AND I need to get a new passenger side headlight (and see if I can get anyone to install it so I don't have to pay a mechanic the $50 for something so simple) AND schedule oil change and tire rotation (free at Tires Plus where I bought the tires) and alignment check (also free at Tires Plus) AND I need to be home during the daytime to get laundry done all on my adulting have tos for the week.

Take my heart, don't break it. Love me to my bones. All this time I wasted, You were right there all along. You and I stargazing, Intertwining souls. We were never strangers, You were right there all along

 Alright, some good news now because Lord knows we need whatever little shards of light because early or late seeing it coming doesn't make the darkness of what's coming any less dark. 

I spent more than I wanted on the vet visit this afternoon (dog needed three more of her vaccines which is just a quick lab visit usually but the cat was the expensive one needing vet exam fee time along with his blood draw for CKD panel, urinalysis, and blood pressure check to stage his CKD.) which was good to see Dr. Erin, the vet i started seeing over 16 years ago with Audrey when I first got her as a puppy, she's very cheerful bright personality and works well with my ADHD quickness of thought and random questions.

But the spending $268 isn't the good news. The good news is that Spock's blood pressure is really good AND there were no sediments in his urinalysis meaning no UTI or kidney infection or stones or excess proteins. All of this leads us to thinking we should be able to stage his CKD earlier not later. And early CKD with food choices to help decrease and minimize excess phosphorus and salt and proteins that are hard on the kidneys can have a life expectancy up to 8.5 years after diagnosis. Granted he's already 15.5 (I got him when he was about 1.5 years old) so if he lives that long with CKD progression he will have lived to be a 24 year old cat, lol. 

But it's good news that we're not looking at stage III or IV CKD which is counting in months not years how much time you still have together.  I will know on Monday what stage and substage we will be looking at with it. 

In other light-hearted news, when I turned on the car after getting the animals settled in the backseat, the DJ finished her sentence and then the radio started one of my absolute favorite songs released this year (other than the Shaboozey song) and with the traffic and me needing to turn left to get home, my drive was the perfect length for the song which ended just as I opened the garage door to park. The Myles Smith song Stargazing. Love that song so much!!! The chorus is still stuck in my head I've been singing it since I got home, but also I love it so I don't mind. And I can't help it but it does always make me think of my polar bear, and in a light filled hopeful of what still could be way not in a stoic acceptance of what is way. What can I say? Libra Sun and Pisces rising and a Scorpio Venus and a Sagittarius Mars -- I can't help being an optimistic romantic even when my pragmatic Capricorn moon tells me to accept reality as it is. 

And that's something you should always remember about me. My natural optimism and hopeless (hopeful) romantic side are in no way ever quashed just because I have a stoic streak and can precog events (big and little, it's not ALWAYS world changing precogs and sometimes I use the gift in completely petty ways like saving time trying to make decisions by peeking ahead to see what I'll wear to a show or which outfits to pack or where we're going to eat.) I can and do precog happy things when it's something I know to be coming (like shows I have tickets to see) as well as the hard things and having the death sight -- but also there's an inherent optimism and joy in feeling something good coming over the horizon of time but not knowing what it is because it's a happy surprise. Like, other people can free will choose things make plans that create happy surprises for me and all I will get is the happy glow of "something good is coming into my life" but I'll have no idea what or from whom. One of the best ways to brighten up my psychic life is to plan happy surprises for me as well as good plans I know about can cheat and peek ahead to see. But the knowing "something good is coming" and nothing more than that due to my requested block on me precogging happy surprises is like having an inner sunrise coloring all my emotions/thoughts/gifts that nothing can shake or shatter. 

If you don't believe me on that, try it sometime..and just see how I light up both at the happy surprise and the glowing buildup to finding out what it is. Bad things almost never surprise me because of the precofs unless I've been overextending my gifts -- but good things can happy surprise me all the time and they're one of my favorite things!! How do you make someone with gift of prophecy ecstatic? Surprise them with something good. Works every time. No matter how much of the world is darkened, happy surprises always bring light into me and my world. And it also means that if things get tough and I don't see the way to improve them, it doesn't mean there isn't a way just because I can't see it, sometimes it means I can't see the way to it because it's achieved by the free will choices of someone else that bring happy surprises to me. Trust me and even if you're overthinking doubting try it, try planning a happy surprise to gift me and see what happens. You'll be amazed at the doors and paths it opens and the shiny brightness you can enkindle in me if you just try planning a happy surprise and springing it on me.

But anyway. My point was: the Myles Smith song Stargazing, I absolutely adore it and am pretty constantly earwormed by it especially right after hearing it. And also, the chorus of it always makes me think of hugging my polar bear (who has been reaching for me in the wee hours a lot these recent weeks) even when I'm trying not to let me think on him 

[post title: lyrics from the Myles Smith song Dtargazing.]

 Yes, I do get quiet and distant and not well seated in the present when I'm struggling with coming to terms with difficult immutable precogs and the emotions of them and not being able to talk to anyone about it because nobody else is experiencing it or living it yet. It means by the time others are dealing with it, I've had months/years of processing and grieving it so I'm better able to cope with it when it arrives. But it does make me quiet and distant while I'm processing the difficult truths and can't talk about it. It's the same as any  heavy emotions I can't yet put into words and one of the few tells I have if I'm not talking about precogs I'm grappling with.

And, it does sometimes rob me of the joys of not knowing -- think about the enthusiasm and wild excess of hopium so many people had after Biden stepped back to let Kamala try as the nominee under the pressure of so many people saying he wasn't capable of doing it. I never had that because the moment he announced it and the DNC chose her for nominee, I'd already had the precog flash of me sitting in my car at 2:30am hearing the news on the radio of the projected win and why. I fought against that precog and did what I could but I was fighting from duty not hope or joy in the fight because I knew before it started that I was on the side of the fight that would lose even if it was the right side. But it also means there was no shock for me in the defeat, I didn't have that hope dashed down to despair that so many I know and love felt and are still feeling -- I knew throughout that it was a lost fight but still needing to be fought til the bitter end. You're more able to support those you care about through their processing and to have actions/plans for what to do from once you get there when you already processed knew what was coming. 

I have no choice about it with my precog gifts of prophecy, but I tend not to share the hard things I see unless I can somehow save someone from being caught in the middle of the crossfire by telling them if I can get them to listen to me. but most of the time I don't tell anyone. Which is harder on myself than I need to be but also it's a lot to ask anyone else to carry when they can't change it and don't have to bear it yet. Often, even when it's a hard truth painful thing, when the event happens and others catch up to the knowledge I have been carrying it will feel like a relief to me that now we are all on the same page of knowledge.

But I do tend to get quiet (in person as well as not writing here) in the gap between when I've seen something difficult in an immutable precog over the horizon of time but have not yet processed it and nobody with whom to talk about it and just have to wait for time to catch everyone else up to me.

That's not about you. And I suppose if anyone I trusted knew to ask and insisted they wanted to know what it was I would tell them -- but thus far it's generally been truths I carry until time catches up to the events occurring.

How was this something I could precog given I can't precog until the important free will choice locks into place the fateline? Well. the free will choice here wasn't the voters. It was when they chose a woman again -- there are too many in the USA who do not have it in them to see a woman in charge, who don't think she would do a good job. It's the Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton problem -- there are too many (male and female) who hate admitting the smartest most qualified person in the room is a woman. And NOBODY who would ever even consider voting for a trump would ever be willing to admit that ANY woman (regardless race) could ever be the smartest most qualified in the room. Everyone comparing Kamala's numbers against Biden's are doing the wrong comparison -- you need to compare them against Hillary's.... The only Democrat who could have beaten trump and gotten any of his followers to change their votes was a man (who could have a woman as his subordinate vp, but not the reverse in most American forms of Christianity, especially Evangelical forms.)  The choice not to put forward ANY man as the presidential candidate was the free will choice that made locked in as the only fatelines that could happen EVEN GIVEN how much was at stake. The deeply ingrained "Eve was made from the rib of Adam and so women are meant to be subordinate to men" Christian fundamentalist indoctrination from a young age is stronger than EVERYTHING that is now lost by handing over so much power and control to the theocratic crazies of  modern cult of trump Republicanism.

Do I LIKE those truths? No. But I sure as hell ain't willing to lie to myself or anyone else about it no matter how certain I am in the truth that the smartest most qualified person in the room is about how educated and experienced and ethical the individual is rather than any identities of the body they happened to be born into.

Look, I'm an ancient soul and not a Christian and never will be -- not just in this life but in any life even the ones I was born into Christian families in Christian societies. But when you are among those with a target on your back when the Christian misogynists turn on you, you don't have the luxury of lying to yourself about the nature of those forms of patriarchal indoctrination. If you're born Jew or gypsy or witch, let alone all three, you don't have to agree with them or their reasons or even understand them in any sort of relatable way -- but you never can lie to yourself about the naked truth of them behind the facades. Because to lie to yourself about the naked truth is to put yourself and all you cherish in danger.

So it doesn't surprise ME that the moment that the powers that be in the DNC chose Harris as the nominee, before it was announced, I got the immutable precogs of how the election would turn out. I didn't like it, but it didn't surprise me. 

That said, I still have had no precogs of ANYONE being sworn in in January, not even the current elect or his vp if something happened to him between now and then... And THAT blank space in my precogs, both immutable precogs AND contingent precogs that could still happen unless action is taken to alter the course, DOES surprise me. Because there's no reason for that to be blanked out from my gift of prophecy.... It's not me trying to peek and cheat a happy surprise, it's me trying to see a planned expected event and I should be able to see it if I TRY to see it unless it just isn't going to happen somehow.... And that is something I find very very interesting.... Right now, I still can't see ANYONE getting sworn in in January, not even as a possible fateline, no more than I could over the summer or all autumn long....

And that is a fascinatingly curious inexplicable blank space in my precogs and ability to see along the fatelines.... I also haven't seen a how/why of that opaqueness in my gifts -- so I can't explain it only be honest that it's currently a blind spot I can't see. Particularly since my only known blind spots are before free will choices that have not yet been made that determine which fatelines become real AND my personally requested blind spots put on my gifts of 1) happy surprises and 2) sporting events. This clearly isn't a sporting event -- which means free will choices yet to be made OR happy surprise. And I have no idea which one it could be or the how/why of it....

 If it makes you feel better (and I don't know that it should given some of the other things I HAVE seen in my immutable precogs) I will tell you this: I never saw Harris or Walz being sworn in inaugurated no matter how hard I tried BUT I have also never been able to see Trump or Vance being sworn in either this coming January. At this time, I have not been able to see ANYONE sworn in in January. That doesn't necessarily mean nobody will be, it means that I cannot precog it with my gift of prophecy.

Just because I can't see it in a precog no matter how hard I push and try doesn't mean it won't happen, but OFTEN when I push and try to see something and can't ever see it it's because something happens so that event never occurs. It can just mean I can't see it ahead, but sometimes it means it never happens at all. Also I've precogged many many other things during the same time, but about this, I have been unable to see anyone being sworn in and in all the past elections of my life, I've always been able to see the swearing in months BEFORE the election ever even occurs.*shrugs* But also I precogged who would win the election from right before the DNC when I first flashed the precog change of it and I have been living under the weight of the precog ever since even while everyone around me was getting high on the hopium of Harris as nominee and I couldn't share that because I knew she wouldn't win on any of the fatelines I could see, I only ever saw her in contingent precogs become president from ascension from vp for a first swearing in -- but still I voted for her and still I attended the Harris rally in town and still I worked over 20 hour shift straight through as an election worker KNOWING how the results would turn out. Because that's what it is to play Cassandra and have precogs among your gifts. because no matter what you know WILL be when you get an immutable precog flash, still you have to do what little you can that is right and good and true and speaks to your ethics and sense of justice EVEN WHEN you know it can do nothing to change the way things will fall out. And it sucks but so it goes. It's been like that for me all this life. I deal with the hard things out of sync with everyone else because of the immutable precogs gifts of prophecy -- and I still make my choices as if there's a chance that fighting hard enough can change what can't be changed due to other people's free will choices....  

Personally, I do find hope for the fact I can't see anyone getting inaugurated in January even though I could precog the election results. But you're not gonna like any of the rest of the precogs I HAVE had and if you game out the ways/reasons for that precog not to exist to me because it's an event that never will happen, you probably won't like all of what it would take to get there....

Because also, much else of what I've been precogging in recent years for what is coming over the time horizon is.... bleak is the nicest I can say about it. 

Just remember, those who wish to control you will use the things that you love most as the knife at your throat to try to get you to do what they want.  It is what they do. It is what they have always done, especially when they feel their own ascendancy.  Don't create anyone or anything that you would be unwilling to see broken and destroyed in front of your eyes (at least not until this time of testing is past) -- because even your greatest love can be turned as a weapon against you if you wouldn't watch it destroyed rather than bend your knee be controlled by the autocrats/oligarchs in power.  It's been done before and the wheels are already in motion down that path and it will be done again. Love can give you a reason to fight but love can also be used to blackmail you into things you would never otherwise do. In this type of time in history, one must love only with an open hand of letting go what isn't yours to keep and with the ever present knowledge that all things mortal are finite -- and no finite thing is worth giving up your ethics allow yourself to be a tool of truly evil rationalizations/actions no matter what they try to turn against you as a weapon to make you obey their control. You always have a choice -- but sometimes your choices are between bad and worse and know that we are entering a time when those who are rising to power will turn everyone and everything you love into a weapon they can threaten use to cause you hurt if you will not conform to their control. 

This is not to say you shouldn't love, you absolutely NEED to love because it's the only way you don't turn brittle from hate and emptiness. But you need to love in the way you can let go if you must so your love is not weaponized against you by those who will use ANY lever of control over others as their means to aggrandize power. Because they will. And all things mortal must perish, it's the truth at the heart of loving mortal things.

My 6am til close (at our polling place was officially 2:10am we signed out on the hours sheet but it was closer to 2:30 that we all left the school and arrived to our cars) shift means I worked over 20, nearly 21 hours, straight through as an election official in the busiest ward in Madison outside of downtown. They're definitely trying to get me on the chief inspector track just as fast as I will let them..... 

Then I heard on the radio the results at like 2:30am while driving to my parents house to get my dog and then talked to them for a while. It is the realpolitik I expected even though it's nothing at all what I wanted... And I will wait on final results to know how bad it is with no balance of powers but also, this wasn't a surprise tbh  

But I need to sleep and tomorrow I plan to hermit until I go in to work and I dunno yet how much peopling I will have in me. 

I'm exhausted and I need sleep and people should have been paying attention to realpolitik not hopium but here we all are now

 Bonne nuit. If you're looking for me, you know where to find me. At least for now for this time.

 I set that last post to private fairly quickly. Because true as the stories all were, I questioned if parts of them were mine to share more widely than within my own family and those my sister knows and would choose to share. As a collector of people's stories, which ones to tell when and to whom is always something I rather struggle with finding the balance on. Also, I don't know how my sister would feel about me sharing pictures of the kiddos, some parents like to control that online so I try to respect that whenever I spend time with family/friends with littles unless I have their permission.

It's all still true, whether I share it with n'importe qui or keep the audience small and private. Even the stories I hold most private within myself are true. But what good is any story, true or not, if it's never shared? Isn't the point, the raison d'être of a story to be told? Even if you dress it up in myth and allegory until it's barely recognizable, a story exists to be told and retold until it has nothing more to teach in the retellings.

Anyway, I'm going to go back to finishing my book I'm reading, it's the second in a duology. The first was better written, but the second is still quite good. It is rare for a book to be as good as the hype or to live up to my expectations of it, especially when I have saved them for months til the perfect season when the veil is thin and the monsters come out to play at the midpoint between the equinox and the longest night. 

The first one I devoured in a single day, pausing only to answer texts and make myself some more tea/coffee when my cup was empty. (And often when I went to answer the texts, I would use the forced pause at the chapter break to make more tea/coffee and use the bathroom and consider it an opportunity to replenish my apple/Reese's Halloween candy supplies)  The second one is easier to set aside and pause and do the things.

My aunts are in town now for the weekend (Aunt Kath & Aunt Geeta who live in Charlottesville now) and the South East Asian conference doesn't start until tomorrow (well today now) so they hung out with us had some drinks and then we went to dinner before taking them back to their hotel. Since tonight (well last now now) was Diwali as well as Halloween/Samhain we went to try Rajni, a newly opened South Indian restaurant which is an area of Indian cuisine Geeta loves but doesn't cook and she can't get in Charlottesville area. As far back as I can remember, both she and Kath get giddy when they find an Indian restaurant stateside that makes proper dhosas. We let Geeta order whatever she wanted for us all to try family style, and it was so good and she had so many things they wanted to try that she and Kath decided they want to go back there on Sta night dinner for Kathy's birthday. Also, I have a LOT of leftovers right now from everything she ordered. I'm planning to have rice and the vegie curry for breakfast/lunch as well as the remaining masala dhosa and chile garlic naan. I will probably have the appetizer leftovers late Fri night after I get back from opera if I go in to work. But I likely won't get to the lamb curry dish until Sunday -- and on Sat night I will end up with more leftovers, lol. We will see them again on Saturday -- Aunt Kath will join us for the day since it's her birthday and then Aunt Geeta will join us for dinner and then they're staying the night at my parents house. Sunday they fly back home but I'll head over to my parents house spend the morning with them before they head to the airport and then in the afternoon/evening watch the Packers game with my mum and the dogs and my sister's family will watch at the same time with us.

And then tomorrow (today now) I have to call to reschedule my eye appointment yet AGAIN because they called then texted me that they have a company wide training on the day it was scheduled so are rescheduling all appointments. And then in the afternoon I'm taking my grandma to an appointment (dentist) and then in the evening heading downtown to meet up with Crissy (and maybe Denis) for dinner then the three of us are heading to see Madison Opera's production of Barber of Seville.

And that's pretty well my entire weekend. On Thursday at the Kamala Harris rally and concert (we had Mumford & Sons, two of the members of The National, Gracie Abrams, and Remi Wolf each playing 3-4 songs for their concert portions. And then everyone was Wisconsin Democrats, mostly currently serving, and then Kamala last) they were trying to get people to volunteer to canvass and it was like, "I can't, I have family in from out of town and Monday I have to work and rest because Tuesday I'm an election official from 6am until close." 

It's been a bit busy in my life recently... I had my longest break without anything until next year in there, but even with the optometry appointment needing to be moved AGAIN, I still have two different vet appointments (just to the lab, the dog for her remaining vaccines and the cat for his bloodwork to figure out the stage of his CKD, Chronic Kidney Disease. I also still need to tkae my dang car in for the overdue oil change, tire rotation, alignment check AND my passenger side headlight went out over the weekend. Because of course it did. I may have someone to change it for me if I pick up the bulb instead of having to pay a mechanic $100 labor for under 20mins of their time -- the Scion is much easier than when I drove a Prius to be able to replace the bulb.

I also need to order online heartgard and nexgard for my dog because the vet office wanted $470 for a year's worth of both and only offered a $60 rebate from the company to buy from the vet.... It's under $100 for 6 months, under $200 for a year, online or from Petsmart for the same damn thing.... I just need to order it. My mum said I can give Waffles one of Sophie's doses for her November dose and just give my mum back one from Waffles box once it arrives.

O and I need to order my LizzyKate tea advent refill since they JUST put that up to order int he last couple days. And form Churchill's I need to order more pink tea to bring Monroe when I fly out west. (I'm not ordering the Churchill's tea advent calendar this year because they increased the price to $65 for it and that's just too much.....

O!! And also! Things to look forward next year (after I'm back from my three weeks of December in Seattle area visiting my sister and her family)!  It's already been announced by all three of them that Dave Howley will be back up here in Wisconsin area with more shows in February (maybe early March), Seo Linn will be back in the states in March and are building the tour now beyond the new York show that booked them bringing them in, AND just yesterday Onoir announced that they will be back stateside with shows on the East Coast and Midwest  in March! So in February/March I'll get to see Dave, Keith, and Diarmaid! Hopefully they won't be conflicting shows on the same nights so hard choices will need to be made. But anyway, that's very exciting news to me! I'm sad spooky season is past again -- but I am looking forward to visiting my sister's family again for Christmas and then looking forward to having some of my favorite Irish boys around for Irish season.