O but this morning was fucking rough..... And from like 9:30am til about 1:00ish I needed to vent storytell so bad..... But then there was lunch and then across the afternoon things that needed to be dealt with got unravelled then re-ravelled in a new better way dealt with (though I did not make it to Target to pickup tampons for me and two packs of Channukah candles for me and my parents and another container of litter for the cat -- all of which I need sooner not later so I'm hoping to go tomorrow.) And then there was girls night at Grape Water for wine and Salvatore's Pies pizza. Then to my parents house to watch ice skating with my maman and the doggo's with another bottle of wine and supplemental quesadillas for second dinner since both still peckish after the pizza.  

And so right now I'm in a very happy red wine wine drunk agape love the world loving and loved state and less upset about the difficulties of the morning since they were solved and thr new solution seems better. (other than continuing to be upset over the safety hazards of the accessibility issues at the podiatry place, Associated Podiatrists, for the appointment that wasn't even though we showed up because my grandma took too long getting to it due to the aforementioned accessibility issues. Like I said, it was a fucking difficult morning......) 

Anyway tomorrow (today now) looks like sleep then waking up way to drop off doggo to sleep in her kennel with Billy Joel music to be at Grandma's by 8:45 to get her to a 9:15 optometry appointment. Then back to work for lunch. Then replacing the nonfunctional last of the icicle lights with Ian (the order of more lights arrived and tomorrow it warms up.) Then getting my COVID and flu vac at 3:15 & 3:30 windows. Then over to do my Target run. Then knuckling down at work watering plants and getting stuff done. (I have like 15 more hours to get in across the work but got none in today even though I was there in the afternoon but on phone calls figuring out moving grandma's podiatry to somewhere kinder/more patient with geriatrics/more physically accessible for disability and mobility issues.) 

Thurs my plan is to stay home to rest and get some laundry down and then eventually head in to work to finish out hours. Maybe end of month deposit if it's ready or do it over the weekend. Fri will be some introvert recharge time at home then at work for a smidge end of day then probably dinner and figure skating with my mum at my parents house. Saturday will just be working getting hours in for next week. Sunday is brunch with Crissy, Denis, and Karissa then the Christmas symphony concert then my parents house to get my doggo but maybe stay for some skating then the Packers game watching with my mum.  On verra. anyway..first now. I need some sleeeeeeeps. So I'm going to finish this tea and F Scott Fitzgerald story, then straight to bed with me. Alarms for the morning are already set!

 It's snowing!!!! Really snowing!!!! Not just flurries, but real and truly sparkle fluff falling for hours!!!! and it's so beautiful and I have all the snow giddies because it's actually accumulating and we're supposed to get another inch or more between now and when it stops in the afternoon AND the temps are staying low enough it won't just melt away like the last one until at least Weds!!!!!!!! 

I'm so tempted to stay up all night because it makes me so happy but I'm too tired to trust me not to fall asleep if I lay a fire in the hearth which is what I most desire to do -- so I'm going to make me sleep til sunrise and then get up and go grin at the snow and lay a fire in the hearth and enjoy the cozy until whenever I head to work for a bit. Because I want to have the fire going, but I shouldn't if I'm already sleepy just in case. So I must make me go to bed so I can wake up to more snow giddies and the promise to myself of a hearthfire in the fireplace! 

Sorry I've not been writing here, I've been busy with life stuff and haven't really had anything of much importance to say recently unless you wanted anecdotes from like hygge at home days or going to a movie theater for the first time in ages or my opinions on the film adaptation of Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes or the visit to the zoo or how gloriously beautiful the sunset was on Wednesday night (so pretty that I kidnapped Mikaela on the way back from the zoo told her we were driving westward past work until the sky painting stopped being so gorgeous and then after stating it I turned up the music -- she just laughed told me that was the most classic Dani thing she had heard from me in a while) or cooking/tea making (I have a histamine relief tea of my own recipe making that I make for my family/friends with allergies and my mum, Crissy, and Mikaela were all recently run out of it so I wanted to be sure to get them more before I'm leaving town next month) for Thanksgiving or the joys of that Packers win and especially Owens getting a defensive recovery touchdown like that or how my dog and I accidentally ended Thanksgiving by me throwing a toy that she bounced off her nose like a seal instead of catching flew directly at my mom's wine glass full of red wine shattering crystal everywhere making a massive mess in the kitchen for me (with Sarah's help) to clean up  or my critique of the tour of My Fair Lady or how I accidentally stepped in it made family drama trying to compliment my sister that her Packers Santa hat she made me was a hit with the extended family only to find out that neither my aunt who organized it nor my mum ever told her about the last minute zoom on Thanksgiving so it wasn't that they were busy they just didn't know it was happening..... Apparently when not reading or visiting with animals or starting fires or seeing shows or eating/drinking while hanging out with family/friends who are chosen family, I've been stirring up accidental mischief since I last wrote here. 🤦‍♀️ You sure you've missed me? Me and my accidental mischief mess making, lol.

But I'm not going to actually TELL any of those anecdotes, even though they ARE a part of my truth this last week, I'm supposed to be trying to get some sleep so I can wake up to even more snow giddies and scamper off to the living room to go start a fire in the fireplace. To make up for it, here are some pictures of the last fire in the hearth, the one on Tuesday when Mikaela came over to hang out with me and the fur babies and I started putting up the tree and putting Halloween underneath it. (It's a personal tradition I came up with. Living by myself with fur babies who would destroy wrapped toys/treats for them while I slept, under the tree looks sad and pathetic living just me and my familiars -- so I decided at some point right out of college that all of the Halloween decorations ought to be collected and go under the tree in honor of Jack Skellington and that it isn't til just before midnight of Christmas Eve turning to Christmas Day when Sandy Claws is freed that Halloween FINALLY gets removed from under the tree banished back to the closet til next spooky season and any wrapped gifts I've got hidden away elsewhere get to go under the tree for opening in the morning. I've kept the tradition even with my ex boyfriends and past roommates -- it's a whimsical just me tradition but I like it. Halloween goes under the tree til the very end of Christmas Eve/start of Christmas Day )

Anyway. Fire pictures from Tuesday. Here ya go. Also at the end some of Waffles excited to have holiday toys that are brand new to her wanting me to play after the tree was up but no ornaments on it yet. (My house rule with dogs is when there is a fire going, fetch can only be played down the hall and only with someone standing or sitting on the floor at the top of the hall -- no throwing things from the couch or across or toward the fire or that could get bounced into the fire. And no encouraging bodily recklessness and wildness near the fire.)

 

 

 

 

And yes, my fires I lay/light ALWAYS seem to have elementals and spirit shapes in the flames.... Usually dragons and phoenixes and occasionally equine fire horses of some sort or humanoid fire fey, but sometimes other shapes/forms. And yes, me taking picture of/near a fire, especially one I lay, always has inexplicable light beams and orbs that don't make sense given optics. And if I try to get pictures of me too close to a fire, you can actually see my own aura and halo like a protective colored second skin between me and the fire.... I'm wyrd remember. And I've died enough times by fire that I have some autonomic type protective spiritual gifts kick in just in case when I get too near or start playing with fires. Even little baby candle flames, you can see the protective aura if I put my finger in/near the flame. Hot items can burn/blister me, but not typically open flames even the time I was engulfed in a fireball lighting a grill in college not realizing how long the gas had been on when the others couldn't get it started. When it happens. I can FEEL the flames dancing on the other side of the energy barrier but not even the hairs on me singe from the exposure to the fire that should have burned me is the best I can describe it. So far in this life, the flames don't hurt me because they stay right outside the purpley energy barrier around me if I get too close to the flames, but the coal/burning wood or the hot pan or the wick that's still smoldering will.

P. S. Growing up in the north, not having snow on the ground by mid November weighs heavy on my heart and fills me with dread that everything is wrong and someone will die for it. The first year I ever experienced unseasonably warm won'ter solstice and a Christmas without snow, my Jewish grandpa died on Christmas Day. The next time I was somewhere without snow at Christmas, I was down visiting family in Florida, my Great Grandma Brenner died on Christmas Eve. This last year, we got snow Christmas Eve but then it converted to rain later in the morning on Christmas Day and all the snow melted away and this year has been a melting away of death and dying in my life. It's why I get so weird and uncommunicative and stoic and unhappy if there's no snow yet the moment we're past the end of Spooky Season (15° Scorpio) because I just FEEL the weight of all is not right in the world and the dread that someone I love will die.... I know it's correlation, not causation, but it's happened every single time my solstice/Christmas hasn't been snow covered. So the moment it snows, there's just this delighted relief in me as well as my snow giddies over how pretty the fresh snow is. 

Which is why I didn't mind at all that my niblings asked Aunt Elsa Dani to bring them snow to Seattle area for Christmas this year. Because I want it too. And with El Nino and the atmospheric rivers and how weak the jet stream is, it's actually easier to push things around bring me snow out there than here this year.

The worst thing you could ever do to me as a surprise would be to try to take me somewhere tropical or desert or the other hemisphere in Nov/Dec. I would definitely NOT be happily surprised, I'd be furious and hurt and not want to go. If you ever want to take me anywhere in Nov/Dec, take me further north or into the mountains, take me where there should be more snow not less.... 

 IT'S SNOWING ITS SNOWING IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!!! IT'S!!!!!!! SNOWING!!!!!!! 😁

It's light and too warm to stick on anything but cars and rooftops so far, but it's snowflakes falling!!!!!!! After waking up with the sunrise as is my wont, I definitely leapt out of bed all excited, grabbing my glasses case on the way and ran over to the window and shoved my glasses on to see! And then M started texting me at like 7:30. 

And M's teacher cancelled class (injured her ankle over the weekend while taking, slippy morning not worth the risk) so her mom will be dropping her off and I'm about to lay a fire in the hearth!!!!! 💖 

Waffles decided after her initial excitement and kisses and licking the cat until he complained and got out of bed ran away from her that she lives with a certifiably crazy person who lacks proper respect for sleep and after drinking some water she put herself back to bed in her crate 😆 So I will not be taking her on a walk before M gets dropped off so I'm going to start the fire now so it can be going by the time she gets dropped off.

Haven't decided yet if I'm going to stay in PJs all day or change before she gets here. On verra. Coffee will probably be the next great priority after the fire is going, lol. Well, fire then putting on some George Winston music then coffee and trying not to be completely distracted by the snow and my snow giddies are my current priority list this morning, lol. But yay!!!!!!! What an excitingly delightful "o I feel so lucky and spoiled by the Universe getting everything I said I wanted!" way to start the morning!!!!! 

O!!!!! And also a happy bonus gift to me!!!!!! Today I get triple stars at Starbucks!!!!!! Not double stars, triple stars!! So I should definitely chestnut praline latte and cranberry bliss bar on triple Star day to get me closer to a free chestnut praline latte I can use for at least one of my two travel days next month!!!!! 

Today (well yesterday now) Ian and I put up the outdoor icicle lights at work (and of course, even though I tested them inside, one set of strands decided when we got them outside that it had a short somewhere in it and so wouldn't do anything at all which made me angry and then it just went dead dead and some of the others went dead dead so i calmed down tried talking nice to it and bending/flexing along the length and got it to only intermittently barely flickers very dim won't stay lit no matter where in the series that strand is plugged in -- so I put it right at the end to more easily replace and we ordered more of the same type of led lights) and then later on tonight I decided that while I had the box of lights/snowflakes down I'd put up my Let it Snow banner and all the window snowflakes (that stay up all winter even once the rest of the holiday decorations come down.) I'll wait to put up the ACTUAL holiday decorations in the big box: the little tree with the presents and my rat kings, the garlands with all the lights, the menorah, etc.  But for today I put up the wreath on the door and all the snowflakes as well as the outdoor icicle lights. And right after I did, the cold rain tonight switched to mixed precip turning to snow in the morning!!!! And o but I do hope that promise of snow is real!!!!!!!  I will have all the snow giddies if only it WOULD snow, it's well and truly past the time there ought to be snow in Wisconsin after all....

 

 I started happy dancing when I saw the forecast shift and grinning extra huge and told my parents to blame me for putting up my "Let It Snow" banner and all the snowflakes tonight if their morning commute is extra messy with bad drivers.

I was thinking I'd go home early and light a fire and stay up all night with it just in case to watch the snow.... But here it is 1am and I've not yet gone home yet and while I don't want to MISS the beauty of the first snowfall, I should get at least some sleep (and preferably not with a fire going in the hearth, lol.)   Also, tomorrow Mikaela wants to come over during the day to hang out with me and Spock and Waffles and maybe have a fire during the daytime and I'll probably put out my menorah (a gift from my sister, even though she's an atheist Jew and her husband is an atheist Jew) and put up my tree and all the ornaments and all my at home decorations while Mikaela is visiting. Just have a nice cozy put up all the happy light and decorations day. (All I've put out was taking down the holiday mugs today and not just the late fall into winter snowman mugs.)  Tomorrow night Crissy and I have 8:something pm tickets to see Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes at Point because Tuesdays are the cheap $6 ticket day at Marcus Theatres.  I mentioned it to her that it was coming out while I was driving to APT and she just went into the app and made it happen while we were waiting for our Spring Green Culver's orders to arrive before going to see Proof at APT. So tomorrow is supposed to start with fresh snowfall (though it may not stick since ground temps are above freezing) and the day I'll be at home with Mikaela (after her classes are done) and the animals and putting up my Channukah/Christmas/Yule/Solstice and then tomorrow night going to go see the movie in the theatre. And even though I didn't come in at all last night after watching the Packers game with my maman (we FINALLY won!!!) because exhaustion just hit me hard and I opted to go home to sleep and I realized that it was a holiday week with like 8hrs pto AND I got nearly 14hrs in on Saturday when I came in early to take care of the mulch and herbs. And now I've managed to get like 10 hours in because I came in at 3ish to get the lights done and I'm still here. And that means it's only Monday and I'm somehow already sitting on nearly 34 hours out of 40 hours clocked in for the week and it's only Monday....  Capricorn moon much?! 

Luckily, I have a LOT of plans for the week, so it's probably a good thing.

Tomorrow (today now?): Playing in the snow if any accumulates --> hanging out with Mikaela and the fur babies and cozy holiday decorating time --> back to work and watering the melodramatic mfs among the plants who needs water every 3-4 days --> cocktails of some sort with my mum and Sarah and then dinner --> seeing Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes --> picking up my dog and heading home (or punching in to water the melodramatic mfs if I didn't take care of them earlier, lol) 

Wednesday: Quiet morning by myself with the fur babies --> picking up Mikaela after her classes finish at 1:30ish --> going to the zoo and visiting with all the giant fur babies --> work to make the pumpkin/squash soup for Thurs and maybe put up the holiday decorations (otherwise I'll put them up Fri)

Thursday: Heading to my parents house at like 11:30ish to watch the Packers game with my maman and help cook/prep whatever needs doing --> 4ish Crissy and Sarah and Mikaela (and maybe Chris, Sarah's husband, but he probably won't come) will come and we'll sit down for Thanksgiving meal --> hanging out with the girls while my da brings my grandma a plate of her meal and drops another plate off at Glenn's since he'll be by himself

Friday: Putting up holiday decorations if I haven't yet --> meeting downtown for dinner before the tour of My Fair Lady at Overture Hall which my parents, Sarah, Mikaela, Crissy, and I have tickets for

Then next week isn't so crazy, thankfully. Tues my grandma has a podiatry appointment in the morning and Weds she has an optometry appointment in the morning and then Sun the 3 is the holiday symphony show (I was astonished they only had two weekends between Nov symphony and Dec holiday symphony) and then a week with nothing in the calendar except tickets to All Is Calm on the first night of Channukah starting (and fitting my work hours in whenever) and then I fly out to Seattle early morning on the 12th to visit my sister and her family and I will be out there across the holidays fly home overnight the 27/28 (unless my 5 hour layover in Denver in the early morning ends up snowed in and then I'll have to figure something out) and home with enough time to catch up and get end of month/end of year done at work. 

I was also reminded today that I still have 9 days of ptso and only 3 can roll over if not used by whatever point in January so I do NOT need to try to cram in as many as possible of 40 hours of work before a Tuesday morning flight out west and arrive tired and know that the kiddos will be my alarm clock at 7am the morning after my flight gets in (and every morning thereafter, lol) because the week I won't be bookending any hours will only use up 5 ptso days AND I get the holiday of Christmas Day as a freebie 8 hours don't need to work or use ptso days once I'm back so that's only a 32hr work week if I don't use days so like, I can go ahead and use my days the first week of me being gone instead of trying to cram 40hours in Sat-Sun-Mon staying up all night before a morning flight.

This is what happens when you have any Capricorn placements (mine are Capricorn moon and Cap Jupiter) and grew up in a family owned business that you have spent your whole life joking is ACTUALLY the oldest child in the family so you grew up more like a middle child even though you're the oldest. Even when you don't MEAN to be a workaholic, you find yourself on a Monday night with around 35 hours of your 40 hours in and getting a lecture from your mom/boss/hr (because family business) about actually USING your ptso and not staying late the night before/all weekend to try to get as much done as possible before you leave in a couple weeks. Fucking incorrigible workaholic habits.... Even when you're the only person in charge of scheduling your own hours because that's just what works best for ADHD to hyperfocus and actually get stuff done instead of being a happy fun distraction for yourself and everyone else..

Anyway. I'm going to head home now. before the weather cools the roads intoslippery  messiness. Maybe try to get some sleep then wake up to see if we really DO get snow and to watch it falling or just stay up like an overgrown kid WAITING for the promised snow to start falling, maybe. And depending on the road conditions, I'll let Mikaela and Sarah know if I'll brave the other drivers on the first "omg there's something frozen wet on the ground, what do I doooooooooooooo" annual amnesia of how to drive on snow/mixed precipitation (yeah it happens in WI too first snow/mixed precip of the year) to head across town to pick M up at 10ish bring her back or if she should take the bus to mcw and figure out getting her to my place from there. On verra. But first step to whatever I do tomorrow is me heading home now, lol.

 So. I realized something late last night. As I was happy sleepy getting ready for bed. And I was going to write it before I forgot it but the adulting part of my brain was like, "No no no. It's nearly 3am. If you look into a phone screen now, you'll wake yourself back up and won't get enough sleep and then tomorrow will suck. And tomorrow you are meeting Crissy at 11 when you drop off Waffles to your parents then you're heading downtown to meet with Denis for boozy brunch at Cento before the lecture before 2:30 symphony. And then you are going to your parents house to watch the DVRed Packers game she's saving to watch with you. This is your only window for any sleep in the next 18 hours unless you plan to fall asleep at symphony or while watching the game. This isn't that important." My innermost self: "But it IS That important." My inner adult: "Then remember it. Hang onto it through sleeping and write it in the morning. Now set the alarms, put your phone on top of the swords on the dresser, turn off the lights and get some sleep!" I woke up with the sunrise and smiled at it because I remembered what I had wanted to clarify before heading to bed, that it was important enough to me to hang onto through sleeping. And then the cat came and curled up on my chest started purring told me, "witch, you really don't sleep enough" and I decided that showering early enough for my curls to dry (even if I dig out my diffuser) wasn't worth the sacrifice of another couple hours sleep. So I didn't get up til 9ish then shambled to the kitchen to start coffee (even though there will be coffee at brunch) and luckily Packer game day means limits on my outfit options. I still have to put contacts in and figure out what I'm doing with my hair since I didn't get up to wash it. 

Anyway. What I wanted to say. I said last night that the song makes me happy and makes my heart sing joy. And it does. But the bridge, the bridge makes me hold really still and feel intensely messy happy. Just a LOT of strong emotions and the kind of happy that pricks your eyes threatens to make you cry because you're so happy that worse things didn't happen but damn they were so close to happening that now after the fact you've got the adrenaline shakes scared by how closely you dodged that bullet... The words they wrote, it reminds me of the polar bear dream, the part where I give up turn to go and the bear realizes and comes running over but can't break through the glacial ice just gets my attention so I go back to say farewell and to wish him luck finding another way around/through to meet up with me again in the future and then he puts his hand up on the opposite side of the ice from mine and the energy/power between our palms spirals outward fractures the ice and shatters it so he can get through before it builds another barrier. That moment, that image in the recurring dream, it was really powerful when we both wanted the same thing and it stuck with me.  And somehow, though I don't know the story or context of the songwriting or even when it's from, the bridge takes me back to that dream moment but seeing it from the other side, right before he puts his paw up to meet my hand. And when I think about it this morning, every time I think of him standing there so forlorn after everything he tried didn't work and me waiting on the other side of the ice palm up to say farewell instead of just going thinking he wouldn't even notice, my right palm comes alive tingles with raw energy ready to be poured into something or someone.

That's what the bridge reminds me of. Whatever is behind the words and the songwriting, that's how I hear it.  But what I wanted to share was the messiness of the deep emotions that come up in me every time I listened to the bridge. Because it's joy and hope yeah, but also that trying not to cry and laugh at the same time for the relief of how nearly everything ended up a tragedy instead of this story, how close we came to the brink of fucking up so completely there is no fixing it or finding a way through. Just that release and flood and ness of emotions. The rest of the song, the emotions are almost all fairly well defined and intense but very much just full of celebration and joy and "o finally" but the bridge makes my emotional dams break and it's all just a mess of strong emotions and the what ifs of how close things came to unfixable tragedy instead. 

It's probably best I didn't write it last night when I was tired and processing the emotions -- it would have been a lot of single word sentence fragments and not able to articulate what I was trying to say because words are fucking hard when my emotions get strong. Like, when you move me to the point all the words disappear and I don't know what to say, that's when you have touched deep core powerful feelings that have overwhelmed me to the point that word shapes can't contain them.  My strongest deepest emotions, they always make the words disappear.... 

And. Also. A lot of the time. Over the years. Whenever I see Eric. I feel too much. All at once. And whether it's a conflicted mess of emotions or it's been strong clear like a carillon bell tolling the one emotional beat. Whatever the emotions ARE. They're just so strong that the words are gone. And I have no words. Just the emotions. Intense and overwhelming emotions. And maybe things would be less of a mess if I could have seized those opportunities and said the things inside me. But I couldn't. The emotions were too much. And maybe it's because things got so tangled. Or maybe because the opportunities have been so few and fleeting. But I do know that if he were standing right here in front of me, right now, the emotions would be so overpowering that I would have no words until the emotions settled back into their normal course. I'd just stand there unable to say anything, just feeling it all. And I'd want more than anything to wrap my arms around him and not let go, but if I didn't know if I SHOULD then I can't say I would. And I don't know if it would be the silent trying to get my feelings under control holding very still or the silent that just gets messy as the emotions pour out in crying/laughing but you still don't have words. Probably would depend on the situation and if I felt that I could trust him with the emotions pouring out or if I felt that whatever else I had to be controlled enough to do what's right and the break down could be later once somewhere safe. But either way, I do know that seeing him, the joy in it would also have so much intensity and so many other layers of emotions that I wouldn't be able to find words right away, not until the emotions had calmed down enough for words to start forming again.

Which is why I wanted to say NOW, while I have words, that the bridge made me feel a lot and it was very messy but cathartic messy but messy emotions every time I listened to it. (And yes I did listen to it more than once. More than three times. So now it's stuck in my memory for always, and hat part of my memory that remembers words set to melody for always after hearing it three times. Though remembering and understanding are different things entirely.) But I think strongest of all was a mix of that post "this was almost catastrophically bad" mess of emotions and the "please, please have the strength and courage you're wondering if you have. Please just reach out and try. Please don't lose it all that could still be by not even trying. I don't want that. It would be a stupid pointless tragedy arc. Please. Find the courage to try." 

And that was the bit I wanted to add. Just to say that the bridge made me feel a lot but it was messy all the emotions tangled up in it. And the reaction itself was messy and broke through in physical ways. Like, the second time my eyes filled with tears nearly started me crying and the third time listening to it I got the post adrenaline shakes and goosebumps during the bridge. And while I have words now, I wanted to acknowledge that messiness and that sometimes the emotions ARE messy in their intensity and that doesn't mean they're bad or not what you want but they're just intense and a lot and I won't have words to communicate them in the moments that I am feeling the mess of them all..... And that includes if or when I see Eric again in real life. Expect me not to have words and that it's not withholding or anything like that, just that the emotions inside me are going to be intense and probably messy because this whole everything got messy. And that me not saying anything doesn't mean something is wrong or not letting you in, just that when my emotions get too intense, all the words disappear and I don't have ANY words for anything at all. So it's not bad if I don't say anything, it just might be a lot of intensity of emotions inside of me that need to be felt before I can even start to find words for anything.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

As i was coming back and forth inside moving plants an while I was thinking with my hands in the dirt and throwing the tennis ball for Waffles to chase, I kept adding more deaths this year to that list. I did say that I knew i was forgetting people while writing up that initial post while dming with the 18 year old checking in on her after they put their 12.5 year old dog down today and trying to make plans for the week to help her through the first part of the silences without their family dog she's had since she was 6, back when he was a small puppy. Nobody has it easy living through those silences after someone you love dies. It's just hard. Fucking hard. It always is. But that doesn't mean I can't help the bonus little sister unrelated to me during her daytime hours, y'know? I asked her how she wants to spend her week -- home with her cat and her rat while they navigate the dog's absence, at my place surrounded by all the books and art and snuggling with Spock and Waffles and I can lay a fire and make tea, or going to the zoo to go see Bo and Berit (our polar bears at our zoo here in Madison) and all the other big fur babies.  And she said all of the above. So we'll make plans for all of the above this week. I also told her that this is Thanksgiving week which means this is the week I put up the snowflakes and decorations at work and put up my tree at home unpack all the ornaments etc (her family are Jehovah's Witnesses and my policy with her growing up was that it was always up to her whatever she wanted to believe because I see spirituality as between the individual and the Divine however they define that, but also while she was minor living under her parents roof she had to at least respect their religion/rules regardless what she believed for herself and that I would limit teaching her energy work with her gifts to what she needed to know to have strong defenses until she turned 18 could decide for herself if she wants to learn more.) So I asked her if she wanted to help me with decorations at mcw and at my flat like when she was a kid or should I do it without her again this year like I have the last several years and she said she wanted to help with it. So I'll wait and do both with her, and unless you want it all to be a surprise it's more fun to do the holiday decorations with others than by yourself anyway.

But anyway. that first list was incomplete. So I added to it. And, the thing is, it's JUST a list of people and animals I have personally met and loved and who died this year. Not the list of people I haven't met whose deaths have made this a hard year on people I care about.

Even George Winston who I added later after remembering that one while pulling the golden thyme to see how deep the roots for what pot to put them in, I met him and talked to him at shows before he started getting so sick he couldn't see people so he pre-signed all the posters for sale before each show -- the posters that like the CDs he sold at the shows were all partnering with a local food shelter who received every single dollar of every single sale because he had enough and more than enough for his needs. (He was just such a kind man.... weird and brilliant, but above all else so kind...) That was before we even realized that my friend Morgan's dad who died of a heart attack had been one of George's closest friends. but that is another story and a private one. But like, I was just talking to my sparrow grandma last week after getting her home following (finally) getting her crown replacement in and we were talking about dogs and cats and personalities. And because my grandma was a voice and piano teacher as well as a commercial singer for radio ads in the 50s/60s before she married, I brought up about Spock loving piano music above anything and everything else and how he'll lay on the piano bench and tap the keys to ask that someone play for him and how even if you put a recording on instead of plunking something out right then because you're rusty and can't remember anything except whatever random melodies/ditties come out of your fingers, the cat is just happy to have ANY piano music.  And then she was like, "Isn't he the one who has a favorite composer?" And I told her that the cat does and that it's George Winston who sadly died this year and that I was lucky enough to get to TELL George that he was my cat's favorite music and how he lit up in delight and told me that is the single best compliment anyone could give him because he loves cats and asked if i had any pictures on my phone so he could have a mental image of Spock who loves his music. So I showed him pictures of my cat and told him stories before he went back to his green room for the rest of his intermission break and ever after, every time he saw me in the audience if I was close enough for him to see, he would light up and say, "You're Spock's owner!" and I would grin and tell him, "Yep! Spock is doing well and sends his love and you're still his favorite! If I could have smuggled him in so he could hear you live and you could meet him, I would have." (George did Zoom a concert for my cat once, but that's another story. And not one I want to share here right now.) Anyway, i wish that I had gotten on video the way that his delight hearing he was my cat's favorite music lit him up with so much joy.... It was so beautiful... And that was something my grandma kept coming back to with the story, how wonderful it was that I GOT to tell him that, that I could give him that joy before he died or got too sick to remember, as just a small repayment for all of the joy that all his songs have brought me over the years of my life. And George Winston remains the thing most commonly played at home, even though right after I told Spock that George Winston had died and so there would never be any new songs of his that Audrey never got to hear, Spock started yowling and wouldn't stop til he went and curled up with the stuffed polar bear that I put Audrey's second jersey on (the one she wasn't buried in.)  And then for a while, Spock would vacillate between his normal purring joy snuggles and then wandering about kitten mewing searching the whole apartment whenever I put on George Winston. But now whenever I put it one, Spock is back to cuddly purring love and gratitude the music IS even though the composer's soul has moved on.

I think sometimes we forget how much joy and love we can gift into the lives of those who have brightened our lives and how little it costs us to do so -- even if at most it's an acquaintanceship built on profound admiration and remembering the quirky man loves cats so he might like to hear the story.... I mean, honestly, I was lucky in that we were sitting in the second row and I was one of the few who stayed put during intermission and i was reading looked up as he came back to grab his tea he had left and I smiled and he told me "thank you for coming tonight and loving the songs." so i took the opportunity to tell him he's always been one of my favorites and to tell him the story of my cat's love for him because I knew how much George loved cats. And that's how it happened. Right place right time.

*sigh* I am grateful I got to tell him that though and to get to see his very real joy in finding out a cat loved his music best of all music. And that i could give him that before the cancer got so much worse.... And my gran fixated on how wonderful a gift it was that I got to tell  him that and gift him that bit of joy in return for all the joy his music has brought into my life.

Anyway, my point is. It's been a fucking hard year of brutally hard losses and grief and deaths. At least among me and my family/friends. And it's not over yet....

In fall of 22, I started writing 24 on everything I put the date on. And every time people called me on it they would laugh at me because apparently most people wait til the new year and then keep writing the PREVIOUS year that's past and it was a very weird only me thing to do to want to mess up the date by skipping ahead like that... And I would get so serious and my eyes would get sad and my shine would dim and I would just say, "the best of this year is past and 2023 is going to be a brutally hard year. Necessary, but HARD.  I'd just like us to be on the other side of it, y'know?" Which, coming from the mouth of a precog who regularly plays Cassandra is a fucking load to lay on people who know about that particular gift of mine. But I couldn't just laugh at me for it, because I knew why I was doing it and even if I didn't tell them what I had seen and what I couldn't stop even with my own sweet dog's life force ebbing, I couldn't bring myself to laugh at me for it because I knew why I was wanting to skip over 2023 and have it be 2024 already....

But. And I'm not saying it balances out the losses of the year. But the thing in me that fails at pessimism every time I try it and screams defiance at whatever tries to beat me because it can kill but can never bend my will and the soul light that shines in wonder that a beautiful thing IS despite all the things tried to destroy it... That part of me, it's starting to rise up from the ashes of the hollows that I have spent most of this year in since Audrey died on the Aquarius new moon, and that part of me is rising up saying, 'but let's make something beautiful and wonderful and new with what remains of this year. This year has taken and taken and taken, and damnit now it's time for it to give something irreplaceable and new that never could have been if not for having gone through what 2023 has been. I want something good and bright that can exist NOW and couldn't have with where things were if we had just skipped over 2023 like the cowardly part of me that didn't want to face what was coming wanted to pretend we could." I never see the happy surprises coming, it's a blind spot of my own making on my precogs and gift of prophecy -- because precogging a happy surprise just destroys the magic for me and for whoever was trying to make it happen. So before the year is out, I want some fucking bright magickal happy surprise to be born into this world that can keep growing shining light and love and goodness into the future so that I can go, "Okay but 2023 was worth going through because it gave us this. Mostly it sucked and took a lot away, but without going through it we wouldn't have this."

Maybe I'm asking for too much in the remaining month and a half (especially with me being at my sister's in Seattle area for two of those six weeks) but I don't think I am. Because I don't precog my own happy surprises and even if it happened in the last hour of the last day of the last month of this year, it would be enough and more than enough.

P. S. 11:11pm update: I didn't say anything about the email from Delta Rae on Thursday. O I saw it, it came in from their email list and the kickstarter email list, so twice over I got the email. And I read it, well them, but they were nearly identical so it. I didn't watch the video -- why bother? In the past any video links have led to their Instagram post which if I click on it when logged in to either my insta (like on my phone) or my facebook account (which is linked to my insta) tells me that there's nothing there, that the video and the account doesn't exist because that's what happens when you're blocked by an instagram account and that happening on the official band account really fucked over anything or anybody that shares to their instagram account and then that just gets me mad because it reminds me it hurts and is unfair and I didn't do anything to deserve it other than be honest that I was sad I'd likely never see Hands Dirty live, which I had LOVED when the single was released, due to country music played at shows being so painful to my color-timbre synesthesia that it would stop me attending future shows. (This was after having attended the Q106 holiday show at the Majestic to see them, and several other artists at that showcase had pitchy vocals that were so painful off key on the twangs that they caused me flinching nerve pain from how my synesthesia experienced those vocalists. So I was speaking from my own personal experience as a direct result of the choices to go country radio in that statement of factual truth speaking where I was at. Which is what got me blocked, for giving the girls honesty they didn't want to hear.) Anyway. I saw no point in even bothering to click on the video update to even consider watching it given the history of their video links always leading to the band's instagram account. 

But I did read the emails, since they came to me and thus didn't violate anyone's boundaries or me seeking out further or renewed contact. I don't have a key for behind the door, I never have, they developed it after the point they were their own management but still refused to even acknowledge or discuss me being blocked on the band's account no matter who I tried to contact about it publicly or privately. So Behind the Door has never been a thing I have ever taken any part in. And as such, it is unlikely I will ever have the opportunity to listen to most of the songs on Never Lost. I just won't. Because I will never spend another penny on the band as long as I am blocked on their instagram account not welcome as their fan. If it weren't for needing to clean up my responsibility surrounding the Minneapolis based entity that had left hooks in the girls, I wouldn't have showed up at the Madison show in April of this year for the Return of the Witch tour, as full circle closure as it was to see them for a last time at High Noon which is where I first saw a full show when 105.5 brought them in back in 2013 after the single release of If I loved You (not first time I saw them perform, that was randomly hurrying down a path to meet friends at Milwaukee Summerfest like 11 years ago and I had no idea who they were but they stopped me in my tracks to listen to them sing Hey, Hey, Hey before I took off back down the path to the stage I was already late to.) But arbitrary boundaries of the band not desiring to exist to me created the instant I was blocked on the band's official instagram account don't outweigh my responsibilities about cleaning up the loose ends and damage created by the unincarnated entity from Minneapolis after I dealt with the entity itself. So I went to the High Noon Saloon show in April, even though it meant spending money on the tickets.

So anyway, the rest of the album given it's only Behind the Door, I don't expect I will ever listen to it. But the single, since it arrived in my own inbox with a link that I could access, that I consider included from my Kickstarter support when I had hope that them going independent and new management meant things could get cleaned up and the past was a mistake. That didn't happen, but still I paid into the Kickstarter on good faith of that hope so I consider anything gifted to Kickstarter backers as part of what I helped support. 

I didn't listen to the song Give Her What She Wants yesterday -- I wasn't in the right head space or heart space for that especially as I got more and more news yesterday. But after I got back inside from taking care of the gardening stuff and made some dinner, I listened to the song tonight.

It's beautiful and I loved it. Thank you for recording it and sharing it and making sure it got to me. That wasn't the easiest at this juncture to get me to hear it, all things considered. But I am very grateful that it did make it to me and I heard it tonight.

I don't know what all I think/feel from it and all the ripples inside me, but I know it's beautiful and I loved it and it made my heart happy and I REALLY want to believe it true and that there's a way through to get from here to the promise in it. I don't see it from what I can see but that doesn't mean there isn't a way -- just means i can't see it from my subjective perspective where I am looking at it.

But I do love the song and it's beautiful and it makes my heart sing happiness and I'm very grateful that it did reach me and I did choose to listen to it tonight. 

And I don't know any of the rest or have answers -- but I know that all those things are true. Or at least, if not objective truth with a capital T, it's still my truth and true about me and my heart.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the song Airplanes by B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams.]

 It's been a rough 36 hours in my world.... A lot of deaths. Again. This year has been a lot of deaths among those near and dear to me. 

Yesterday afternoon Tara shared that Chris just died yesterday and the funeral is tomorrow. (My friends in Kentucky, he developed very aggressive bowel cancer of some sort this summer but they didn't know for certain until August.) Last night another friend shared that her mother (who was very old and ailing) passed. And Morgan's grandma just died (she's the one whose dad was best friends with George Winston; she's also had a hard year with deaths and loss this year.)  Just now Sarah shared that their family made the hard decision to put down their 12.5 year old dog Cooper (he's been refusing to eat and his BUN numbers indicated kidney failure.)  None of them were completely unexpected, but it's still hard when it happens even if you know it's only a matter of time. 

Deaths within my family/friend circle this year:

~My 14.5 year old doggo Audrey Pupburn in January

~Amy's mom in February

~George Winston in June (Spock yowled when I told him then went to go snuggle with my bear that has Audrey's second jersey on it to console himself....)

~Rain (one of Mikaela's two pet rats) in July

~My great-uncle Frank in August (when I went down to Chicago for the funeral and to sit shivah with the extended family instead of to the Seo Linn show at IAHC like I had planned that night)

~my cousin Ry & Sarah's dog Cocoa in Oct (Cocoa was older than Audrey and was a big part of the time I've spent with Ry & Sarah over the last 15 years or so.)

~Aoife's dad in October

~Stephie J's mom last weekend (Steph was one of my best friends in elementary school, high school, and through most of college so I'd known her mom a VERY long time.)

I feel like there are some other pet deaths I'm not thinking of right now -- I know both my college friend Chelsea's dog and Jenny one of my former Irish dance teacher's family dog both died within a week of Audrey so I talked to them a lot as we were all going through it at the same time. I didn't know those dogs, but I know what my friends far from me were going through at the same time as me. And sometimes (most of the time) it's the grieving hurting of those who remain that is harder than the death reaching it's finite time's up..... because you grieve as deep as you love. Always.  It's why my grief is so deep it always threatens to drown me if I don't go to the hollows where I can't feel anything at all for a while. Whenever the grief breaks through the hollows, and it does sometimes though it can take a while, I will curl up in bed and drown in tears until I can get a hold on myself and get back to the hollows again so I can keep going forward instead of drowning in all the feelings. "Grief is all the love inside you with no place to go" (I don't remember where that quote is from, there's more to it and it makes it's rounds as a popular meme from time to time. But it's one that I particularly love because it's true.)

I also have an uncle and an aunt whose cancers have returned aggressively and all care is palliative and my grandma in Oregon (state) is having a lot of gi issues as is my da's best friend Brian who just went into hospital this week for emergency surgery for intestinal perforation and my da hasn't gotten to see him but he's at least in his own room of the ICU now..... Those are all "not sure when the shoe will drop but also may not have much time remaining" that will hurt but not be unexpected, y'know? Just a lot of death this year... A lot of deaths.... And of course, I always lose a family member on my Jewish side of the family whenever I experience a Christmas without snow on the ground -- so I'm hoping for white Christmas snow in Seattle area while I'm out there... though it's expected this El Nino year will make snow very rare in WI this year so I may actually have better luck to get a white Christmas in Kirkland than Madison....

Anyway. It's just been a rough year and another rough 36 hours in my world...

I've been doing physical garden before the snow prep to not dwell on it. I finished laying out the remaining mulch before the temperatures (FINALLY) drop later this week and I'm snacking while dming with Mikaela (this is her third pet death this year including my girl Audrey who she grew up with as being a n extended family dog who was with her all through her childhood whenever she was spending time with me; 3 pet deaths in one year when you're only 18, the two dogs having been a part of your life for 2/3 (Cooper) and 3/4 (Audrey) of your life,  is just a fucking lot. For anyone. But she takes deaths deeply to heart so it's extra hard on her to have lost three beloved fur babies this year...) Anyway. I'm currently taking care of some other peppers/tomatoes that I put back outside because it warmed up enough to get the fruits off them but they had either scale or white fly. (I have one pepper plant and four tomato plants still inside, but those aren't sick and if/when they run out of fruits or get sick they will be going outside.) I'm trying to figure out what to do with the remaining herbs in the herb box if I can transplant them or not. Both Crissy and my maman want some for Thanksgiving but the box is too big to move inside and the  nights are going to get too cold starting Tuesday night but it's too early to cull them for Thurs to have them still be fresh... So I'm thinking I might transplant them to try to get them through the week. because even if they hate the transplant and die on me, I can still have the last of the fresh sage and parsley and thyme for Thursday. 

Anyway. It's just been a rough day or so of deaths. I know that all mortal things are finite and that's why it matters to love them while you have the opportunities. (Because even when you are lucky enough to find each other again in new bodies, you both grow and change and you'll never have the chance to love THIS version of them again. Never ever ever.)  It just never gets easier, saying goodbyes to the versions of them that they were in THIS particular life in THIS particular body. And there's just been a lot of it woven through my year this year, the endings and deaths of those whose finite time has ended. And the last 36 hours has once again had a LOT of them all clustered together....

 Me, without any external influence on figuring out what to read next: "I haven't read any Hegel in a very long while. Let's tackle this one from my unread non-fiction section." 

Non-philosophy readers: "Sometimes, you read the weirdest shit. I don't understand how even your eclectic tastes are interested in THAT."

Other philosophy readers: "O dear G-d woman, WHY?!?! It's not for an assigned reading, you're not even in college or academia. So WHY would you do that to yourself?"

Me: "Because I haven't read THIS one before. And I like to read things in entirety to form my own opinions on it...." 

Also me, halfway through a pot of coffee and falling asleep as I reread for the fifth time a lengthy sentence that's most of a paragraph that's 1.5pgs long and can be summed up "artistic preferences are inherently subjective" : "O mes bons dieux... Why am I doing this to myself? I hate my completionist streak right now. And I hate Hegel. He needs a fucking editor..." 

And maybe it's a matter of translation (spoiler alert: German is not one of the languages I have any fluency in reading) but gods damnit the man takes so many fucking words to say so fucking little..... And I'M saying that! Here! Where I regularly stream of consciousness word vomit to try to get a view on the shapes of my feelings/thoughts crystallized into frozen word forms.

At least The Philosophy of Art is extremely short because it's Hegel attempting to summarize his theories expounded in long rambling lectures on Aesthetics as a science.... You should have heard all my bitching and moaning (between unplanned naps) when I got it into my head to read The Phenomenology of Spirit. Unabridged. 🤦‍♀️ Actually, your life is probably complete without that experience. Don't get me wrong, the Hegelian master-slave dialectic is fucking BRILLIANT and understanding it (whether you reject taking part in it or embrace how it informs your future life choices to succeed in the world) will clarify how you understand your own actions/reactions and how others behave and history and geopolitics. In fact, I would claim that you need to read Engels and Marx critiques of colonialism-capitalism's exploitative aspects and even a large number of existentialist/nihilist philosophers as a continuum and discussion of what it's like to exist within a societal framework of master-slave dialectic.  Master-slave dialectic is a fucking masterful brilliant and important concept! Life altering, and I believe it should be taught in varying levels of detail/complexity starting in middle school to help kids learn to navigate bullying and tricky forms of interpersonal relationships and how to develop healthy relationships rather than toxic ones. That said, you definitely do not need to and should not read Hegel's Phenomenology of Spirit unabridged to help you understand his penultimate contribution to philosophy/psychology. There are WAY better explanations of it than Hegel, even if he was the first to define/explain it, and there really isn't much else in that dense mass of word spaghetti worth the time/effort to untangle it. 

 I'm about 2/3 of the way through the 40pges of Hegel's summary of Hegel's theories on aesthetics and so far he has concluded that taste is elusively subjective and cannot be completely reduced to scientific classifications but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. He still seems to be developing toward his point, but he hasn't actually gotten there yet. Also a lot of invective about how society training to critique art destroys the enjoyment of it and some name dropping calling out of some of his least favorite then contemporary critics and hwy they're wrong. Pretty obvious, nothing earth shattering, and now I have saved you the trouble of slogging through all his torturous sentences. After it is a section of about equal length written by Hegel's best known most promising disciple philosopher who never abandoned Hegel's teachings that gets into how Hegel lectured on his philosophy of aesthetics in various specific art forms. Not sure if I will tackle that today or switch to something else for a bit before coming back to it. Especially since Spock just hopped up on my lap curled up purring for a long snoozle. (Anyone wanna lay odds as to whether I finish this text or succumb to the soporific afternoon nap effect brought on by the combination of Hegelian prose, sleeping cat, and last half of a pot of coffee (which I drink to help calm the ADHD so I can focus calm me down, all my life I've been able to fall asleep immediately after or even while consuming large amounts of caffeine.)) 

P. S. I do love reading philosophy, I own a lot of it and I read it by choice. I just don't love reading Hegel. In fact, there are very few German philosophers whose works I enjoy reading.... I love to re-read my favorite Greek philosophers, Roman stoics, Enlightenment French and existentialist French, and British/Scottish empiricists, and the political philosophers from Machiavelli to the American founding fathers to Ortega y Gasset to Hannah Arendt and I fucking love them all. But I can genuinely say that I have never reread (willingly or unwillingly) ANY of the German schools of philosophy except Nietzsche and Heidegger and Schopenhauer. Hegel is my least favorite to read, Kant my second least favorite to read, Kierkegaard my third least favorite to read. (I don't have enough Christianity in my character or my unexamined premises to agree with much at all of Kierkegaard's premises or conclusions... IMHO, he's worse than Medieval theologians for how deeply fundamentally Christian he is in his worldview and philosophy.) And yet. I have read all of them, generally unabridged, and will do so again in the future with their texts I haven't yet read in entirety as some sort of form of masochistic "but maybe there are some gems in here if I just go to the effort of panning through all the schlock to find it."

Waffles had a bad time with the vaccine vet visit (fine with the vax, just not the vets) because the front desk tech I handed her to handed her off to someone else to do the actual vaccine and didn't give them my verbal warning to go slow and gentle introduce yourself first because two weeks ago she was good with Erin but not when handed off to anyone who I hadn't met given my okay to. So they muzzled her (without checking her chart where her previous vet said that restraints like muzzle was the worst thing you could do with her to get her to be cooperative) and then she shat all over their head vet tech who decided to do it herself...also Waffles gets anxiety the more anger/stress the people around her feel, she also gets really licking reassuring when people are stressed.  When the head vet tech brought her back to me to discuss, AFTER I was good with the head vet tech Waffles started licking her in apology. But I mean, I don't know what else I could have done given they have her vet records and I WARNED them that she has a history of reactivity and nervousness at the past vet and that she did better last time when I personally handed her off to Erin but having someone else work with her without my permission/introduction to that person has been a problem made her nervous defensive more like her documented previous behavior patterns. I mean, it's in her files and I warned them all at the front desk and Erin had to come back when she took another animal for their blood work to help with Waffles who remembered her.

But I mean, as soon as she saw I was okay with the head vet tech (who I hadn't met before) then Waffles was good with her and licked her apologetically and finally accepted treats from her. She just was uncooperative without me telling and showing her this is friend.... Waffles and I did go on a good long walk though afterward and I was less strict about leash rules except if there were other people/dogs approaching and just let her run along with longer lead and enjoy herself as long as she wasn't pulling.

Sooo, about the other night.... it wasn't just the two lights flashed then burned out in the stalls to my left and right when I got so angry that I thought it was, I also fucked up the garage door opener/closer so it won't close when I smacked the button while angry at 3am to close it after taking the dog shut to the curb.... It still wasn't working when I got home last night so today they had to send someone out to replace that because yesterday the garage door would start to close then open and not close again.  Whoops. 

This is why I work so hard to control my temper this life -- it's not just the cost of replacing lightbulbs that blow all too frequently, short of moving off grid, me getting angry is a really fucking expensive habit for everyone given the amount of things that are electronic and thus energy sensitive in the modern world.  I wasn't kidding about electric cars getting fucked up error messages that won't start the engine when i get frustrated or angry and they won't work until I calm my shit. I've also fried computers and backup harddrives. And if I try to set the security system at work when angered or annoyed, the entire system sets off some error that the company says doesn't even exist and they call and can't fix it and can't stop the police from being called over and over even when they call the police and tell them to ignore it because they don't know WHY the security system is freaking out and can't figure out what the error code even means... And then when that happens in the middle of the night, you can't do anything or shut it off without removing and replacing the entire unit with a new unit which means waking up a tech in the middle of the night to come do that because it won't stop calling into the ADT system AND calling the cops to report it so no real calls can come in and then I finally calm down and apologize and just as their tech shows up, the entire system resets and the error code stops because I calmed my shit. Let's just say me touching security systems when I'm upset or frustrated makes for an ordeal until I calm my shit, lol.

I also cause horrible feedback in speakers and mics and amps if I'm too close to them and I get angry. And all watch batteries die within a short amount of time if I wear a watch (and yes that includes smart watches and fitbits) so if a battery lasts even a month of me wearing a device I'm pretty excited about it. I can also make it so that no cell service or wifi or bluetooth reaches any device in my hand or within a certain proximity to me, anyone's device will do it when I don't want to be bothered -- and when I'm angry or upset the circumference of my bubble of affected electronics/glass/metal gets bigger.  O, and I regularly kill routers if I get upset when I'm too near one (this happens most often when I get frustrated that it won't let me login or work on my phone/laptop.) 

It only happens when I'm angry/upset though -- when I'm happy, I can make broken things continue to work just by believing they will work for me.  So I have spent a lot of my life learning to either control or release my anger before it builds and reaches a dangerous point it's going to energetically spill out of me and cause damage I can't control/contain. But if you trigger me unexpectedly on an issue of justice or cruelty, my anger grows too fast for me to have much hope at all of controlling it. It has helped me immensely the day I realized that if it's worth investing the energy of my anger, than it deserves something better of me, whether that's working through positive emotions to make it better or working to let it go so it can't anger me. Just that if it deserves my energy and attention, then it deserves better from me than my anger destroying things because of the raw force of it.... That doesn't always work, but it often helps me when I find my temper building. It doesn't help with the short fuse triggers of dealing with people's acts of injustice/unfairness or cruelty/bullying though. It just helps me not react with anger to those I love or those who fucked up but not intentionally or those who are willing to own up to their mistakes and make things right. None of those three deserve the blast of raw energy burning/destroying everything in its path that is my anger.

People who I know who see prana/chi/auras or who do energy work (including reiki work) basically say that my energy gets very red sharp and feels like running into spikes that burn/poison if you run into them when I get even a little bit annoyed and that burn like blades of chemical burns if you run into it while I'm angry angry. 

I wasn't kidding about accidentally going Carrie on things when I lose my temper. I've spent a lot of time teaching myself to control my temper this life because it's very hard/expensive to live in the modern world when your temper makes mini EMPs in your vicinity or within anything you touch/focus your attention on. I don't MEAN to do it, and I always feel BAD about the wreckage I've made when my temper burns itself out and I do TRY to make rules for myself of what I'm not allowed to touch when I'm angry or frustrated because it's too expensive/impossible to replace. 

It's one of my not so awesome wyrd gifts... and it's completely not controllable in any way, it happens when I LOSE control because I get angry and it's just raw emotions in control. And it's one that follows genetics predisposition, my da and my paternal grandfather do it as well but not nearly as intensely or completely or consistently as I do. So there's a VERY good possibility that if I ever have kids, this (like the precogs/vision dreams and the time manipulation and the empath/telepath knowing what other people feel/think as if they're speaking it out loud and the mediumship seeing/interacting with ghosts/angels/gods skills) that they will have to navigate growing up with, though the strength of all gifts vary.  Actually, one of the things I have always struggled with dating is at what point you tell the guy about your wyrd gifts and how much do you tell them... Like, do you give them warning and at what number date do you do that? Or do you just wait until it comes up and it freaks their shit out observing it without any warning? And then how do you handle their feeling you deceived them by not telling them about it sooner? A boyfriend who believes you AND accepts it rather than being scared of it is a rare thing. Most of the time the reactions are some form of disbelief and/or fear and/or putting me on a pedestal instead of recognizing that I'm human just with a lot of psychic/magic wyrd gifts... and I just want to be accepted and loved as me qua me, just a flawed person doing the best she can even if some of what I deal with isn't in the hands of most people. But figuring out how and when to bring it up is definitely a difficulty for me in romantic relationships, even just short term ones, more so than with friends vs. acquaintances. Those who move from acquaintances into friends are generally those who have observed my wyrd and decided they like it and are cool with what they have observed. It's probably why the Irish community, especially Irish musicians have been so immediately accepting of me. The Scots are mildly terrified of how Fey I am being too much for them but they like me want to stay on my good side just don't know what to do with me, but the Irish are always like, "Ye're not here to cause harm and my music makes you shiny beam joy that spins things brighter magickal for everyone? Brilliant! Stay as long as ye want lovey! Here's a hug, now whiskey pour or a pint?" Americans of Irish descent can be a lot more evangelical almost east coast WASP about it, but the Irish born, they just accept me as I am and think it's prime and do everything in their power to keep me in a happy space that lays a shiny happiness glamour on everyone around me. I've never had an Irish born and raised person react to my shiny wyrd with anything but delight and welcome and just observing it and acknowledging it and welcoming me in as is to stay as long as I want. 

Which speaking of the Irish reminds me, Keith finally posted yesterday his Insta reel talking publicly about his project of building himself a studio from a broken down shed/garage in his back yard and the little black kitten that showed up in the backyard right next to the shed the day he started working on it and he's since adopted (who was nicknamed Mr. Meow Meow before discovering she's a girl cat, lol.) It made me laugh. Also his female kitteh Mr. Meow Meow is ridiculously adorable and sweet. And I'm very much looking forward to his first song coming up soon! I do always love me a happy surprise and I didn't know that one was in the pipeline!

 So Waffles has a vet appointment at 10 to get her Lyme vaccine booster (This wasn't a necessary vaccine they gave her out west, but I added it for here because there are ticks any/everywhere there are deer or rabbits or robins or squirrels. And that's literally everywhere. I have known enough humans and dogs who have gotten Lyme Disease and how awful it is and sometimes the spirochetes will go dormant in spinal fluid so you're never really cured of it even after the heavy antibiotic regimens. So I'd never want an animal to go through it unnecessarily and it's one of three major tick borne viruses in the area; when the human vaccine for it comes out after proper testing, I intend to get it for myself. Until then, I just make sure my dog has the Lyme vaccine and feed and care for the opossums because they are one of very few species who eat ticks. If you live anywhere between the Rocky Mountains and Atlantic Ocean, especially if it's heavily wooded or you garden/farm a lot, best thing you can do is befriend and provide shelter for opossums.)

Anyway, her appointment is at 10 and it's a nice morning so we'll just walk the couple blocks over to the vet. But now I have a very awkward amount of time -- not enough to do a proper walk first but waaaaay too much to head out now and just the wrong amount for my ADHD to let me get lost in the pages of a book or to write because I'll miss the dang appointment due to time blindness... 

Anyway. This was in the email from Cosmic Owl/Louise Edington's substack and it made me laugh. Glad to know the purging old wounds to start a new story leading into today's Scorpio new moon and then the upcoming astrology support all my recent shadow work. 

"The watery trine from the Moon and Ceres to Neptune brings the potential for a powerful cleansing of emotions around grief and loss. I have mentioned many times that old trauma memories have been emerging in the time leading to the New Moon and now it’s time to release and purge. Surrender, trust, and acceptance are the things to lean into as this powerful water energy washes through.

Later this evening, the Moon moves into fiery Sagittarius and we gain some optimistic drive. However, Luna immediately opposes Sedna in Gemini and squares Saturn in Pisces which gives a reality check but also a strong drive to change and to create your dreams.

Early tomorrow, Venus in their home, Libra, squares Pandora’s box Centaur, Pholus in Capricorn and approaches tomorrow’s square to Vesta in Cancer. This brings a determination to bring balance and justice around revelations that Pholus is, and has been, revealing.

And early Moon conjunction with Mercury at 6˚ Sagittarius focuses the mind and emotions. The Sabian symbol for this is “Cupid knocking on the door” as if to say, ‘hello, remember that love is always the answer’ bringing a wave of optimism and abundant hope. Tune into this lovely conjunction early tomorrow and feel the optimism and visionary boost. So very welcome amongst the intensity of the Scorpio energy."

I was entertained. That's way deeper than my astrology curious self knew about what is written in the stars and their movements right now -- but it does echo perfectly what I've been doing for internal work and what I feel is coming hope for.

Okays I think I'm getting close enough I've frittered enough time here that I can get the dog and me ready to walk over to the vet and be obnoxiously early but also Waffles can be cautious and has a history before she was my dog of reactivity and fear at the vet so may be difficult with new people and this is just a vet tech take her back so different than her actual appointment where I was in the room to introduce her to Erin and calm her before handing her to Erin to take her back for the vaccines portion of her annual visit. On verra. We shall all find out together, lol.

Then a proper walk unless Waffles is stressed by the vet visit just wants to go home. And then a toss up whether I make breakfast/coffee before I get some writing done or go to bed. I didn't sleep at all last night. Whoops. Worked until the wee hours then got home and somebody else had let their dog shit in the garage and didn't pick it up so there was a big literal pile of dog shit sitting in my stall in the garage and I couldn't park without running over it. So then I was furious, parked blocking the whole garage because what else could I do? I took Waffles directly upstairs since no way to know if there was worms or other diseases from the irresponsible dog owner then went back downstairs to bag and disinfect and take outside to throw out the fucking dog shit then parked my car, then came back upstairs to write a scathing note left on the mailboxes then as my temper cooled I decided it was too much and cussed a lot so I revised wrote a not quite so vitriolic note to replace it on the mailboxes. O and since it was 3am and I was exhausted just wanted to sleep before I got so angry, I intentionally slammed every fucking door loud as I could along the way to wake up the whole damn building and set all the other dogs barking their heads off at 3am because it was just fucking rude and juvenile and if I had to clean up someone else's shit at 3am, I was making that EVERYONE'S problem in the whole fucking building to start off their Monday. If it ever happens again, I'll intentionally "accidentally" set off my car alarm as well while dealing with it.... 

This isn't the first time that the same person *cough* the girl who owns the corgi Brady downstairs *cough* has taken their dog to the shared garage to poop rather than taking him outside and then NOT cleaned it up afterward -- but it's the first time she fucking did it in MY parking stall. And coming home to it at 3am was NOT the best to have to deal with it. So yeah, definitely going to wake up the ENTIRE building and set off her dog MULTIPLE times slamming doors to deal with it AND let everyone know "the reason you were woken up at 3am was because of the woman who doesn't clean up after her own dog leaving it in my parking stall and me coming home to find it at 3am."  This is a repeating problem ever since she got her dog and it was never a problem before she did....B But like I said, this is the first time it was MY problem to clean up which made it HER problem (and everyone else's) at 3am when they should be sleeping but I wouldn't let them..

My temper burns hot and sudden when it flares up but burns itself out quickly and is forgotten by me as soon as it's done -- all the fire in my chart is my Sagittarius stellium but it includes my Mars, Saturn, and Neptune, lol. My Mars and Neptune are actually EXACTLY conjunct, at 28 degrees Sag.... So when I get angry, you and everyone else will know and it's scary and we are LUCKY if I don't go all Carrie on shit until my temper burns itself out so I try REALLY hard to keep it as Zen controlled as possible but anything that is an injustice or intentional cruelty is my biggest trigger and my shortest fuse. Astrologically speaking, despite how clustered everything is in my chart in the fall/winter signs between Libra and Capricorn with my rising, north node and chiron in the late winter into Spring Pisces, Taurus, Gemini.  I actually have a nearly perfect balance across all the elements with 3 in each but a fourth in water making me ever so slightly water inclined though my sun and moon are earth and air to make that less obvious and across types of signs with 4 each for cardinal/fixed and 5 mutable. So technically slightly more water and mutable, the difference of my rising sign, but mostly just extremely balanced across it all even though all clustered in a pendulum chart either side of my midheaven. It's fun to see astrologers react to my chart actually, waaaaay too much power, lol. And ALL my placements deal with justice, karma, truth seeking, rebirth, and bringing the hidden/buried to light. So while I am generally very good at NOT losing my temper and wanting to understand the other side bring harmony not discord, my temper is VERY intense when I can't control it and it's an absolute intense energetic/witchy smackdown that fries electronics and can break glass, even if I keep my tongue from lashing out l, and it is a hair trigger over acts of injustice/unfairness or intentional cruelty/bullying.  Luckily I don't STAY angry, it's a sudden wildfire out of control that burns itself out when it runs out of fuel and once it burns out it burns out completely -- I don't STAY angry or carry further anger/resentment once I either a) get justice or b) calm down enough to be logical/practical find a way to solve what upset me. 

But it's always injustice/unfairness or cruelty/bullying that will set me off hair trigger emotional anger response before the Libra and Capricorn placements rein me in to the logical/practical best to do in the situation. And letting your dog shit INSIDE a shared garage, in someone else's stall, and just leaving it is fucking unfair and rude and intentional malice leaving it for someone else to clean up....and it was 3am when I discovered their literal pile of crap left for someone else to clean up so I was tired and when I get overtired or hangry, just like anyone, my control on my temper is not as good as I aspire to be. Also luckily, me blowing my fuse didn't blow any literal fuses this time, my energy blast of anger at 3am only fried two of the lightbulbs in the garage when I first saw it and had to deal with the pile of someone else's dog shit at 3am.... 

So anyway, after dealing with all that mess and waiting for my temper to burn itself out and making up a cuppa tea (I may have cracked the glass on the heating element of my stovetop trying to make tea before I was calm -- I'm not generally supposed to cook, go near electronics, touch glass or anything electrical, try to flip switches or turn on cars or anything like that if I'm even mildly annoyed -- I can touch the ground or chairs or wood or non-conductive metals or plastic but nothing that conducts energy until I am controlling my energy release.) So after leaving the second note (with no cussing) and drinking my tea, my anger was released so then it was just calming down the anger released adrenaline/cortisol/etc in my bloodstream by reading and cuddling cute fur baby familiars. And then it was waiting for sunrise because I can't sleep across the hours of gloaming, sunrises/sunset. So by the time I was starting to think bed again I was going to get just the wrong amount of sleep to wake up groggy/overtired or not wake up at all sleep through the alarms and the doggo's appointment. 

I should probably plan to sleep for at least a little while when I get home from our post vet visit walkies....  Even though it's a beautiful day, I will be a better version of me after SOME sleep than if I try to just power through go to work and deal with the humans at work on absolutely NO sleep.