O right yes. When I said there are only two reasons for karmic ties from the past and past life memories to resurface in any give life -- for healing renewal of the connection to continue to help it grow together or to zero it out let go of the karmic debts between you, both good and bad. And that's true. But it's also true that in all the years of this life I've always assumed that this life fell into that first category of voluntary karmic chains and joy in the reunion whenever it finally is allowed to grow once more. Never have I considered until recently that perhaps I was wrong in my faith all these lifetimes and all my years of this life, that maybe the reason for the bond pulling us together and all the psychic connections and past life memories is so we can choose the second course and release each other from our old promises and what binds our souls to find each other and seek each other across lifetimes...that maybe release from me and those old promises and the chains of our karmic pasts is what he truly wants with his free will choices. That to be free of the bond to me and the pull of it is the only reason his soul desired to cross paths with my soul this life... It's been hard for me to consider that possibility, and given I don't know what he desires I don't claim it's TRUE that the fate that binds us together and pulls between us is because he desires to be free of me.... but I only know that IF it's his truth, then I would wan to let him have that free will choice and release him from any expectations or desires or past promises of mine keeping him bound to me if I'm no part of what he would choose for himself......
It breaks my heart so much worse than I can possibly words to even consider that maybe this life and all it's star crossed fates is designed so that I can let go of my desire for the outcome that we have reunions and to release him of the bond and the chains of our old promises and the karma that strengthens the ties between our souls.... I hate to think that this life is about karmic releasing not reuniting in love.... But I have to at least admit the possibility and ask the questions in the light of how everything has gone these recent years... I no longer have blind unquestioning faith that it's all there because our reunion and the healing and the love and the growth and shared life paths WILL be both of ours again in this lifetime. It was already shaken deeply, and the realization that it all matters so little to him that he's already looked elsewhere fallen in love with some other girl was the last nail in the coffin for my old unquestioning faith and hope and reasons to cling to the first of the two possibilities, the one that happens to align with my own selfish desires outcome
I recognize that in the past, part of my process over these last three years that got us here was the bargaining of accepting that if we can't be together this lifetime then that doesn't mean we can't be in the future if that's where free will choices lead so there's no place for me in his life for this lifetime. And I'm not abandoning that as a possibility because I can't even tell you my own future in this life because free will choices have altered the course of all my old contingent precogs.... I suppose they're not gone, they're just not on the current trajectories of life paths. But the thing with life paths is they're what you walk, not the trajectory it's headed -- and what you walk is built entirely of free will choices, y'know?
So I can't say that there is no path to those happy joyous contingent precogs that used to feel so fated to become real. And I certainly can't say that there WON'T ever be future lives where our soul paths cross again. I would like for both to be true.
But the thing is, I don't feel like anything that has happened since Oct 28, 2018 has any damn thing to do with MY desires. I may DESIRE to get to those fatelines where we have a future together this life and I may DESIRE to have future lives where we can be together in healthy relationships where we can both grow and as learn new lessons be better versions of ourselves.... But my DESIRES can't in any way shape the choices that got us into this mess nor can they get us out of it. In the end, my two "missteps" where there's opportunity to assess and question what I may or may nt have done awry was 1) being honest and truthful about my own feelings and reactions 2) having a desired outcome for a given relationship dynamic. Those were the only two factors within my own choices and my own control that I could even consider to find lessons in.
The choice to be defensive in the face of an honesty that "if you choose to continue with these choices to try to succeed at country radio, the country music at shows is causing me pain due to my synesthesia so I will cease putting myself in situations that I know will cause me, personally, pain" and then to act out on that defensiveness and continuously double down on the defensiveness that you never did anything wrong isn't about my choices -- it's about the way someone else reacts to my honesty and that's not with anything I can control or my desires can shape. That's about the other person, about the version of them they choose to be in the moment of their reaction and in the future moments as the consequences of their past reaction(s) unfold. What else would you have had me do? Lie? Stay despite the raw physical pain I was enduring just to try to be there? Remain silent about the cause of my leaving just have disappeared never returned and you never know why? Because those were my options, and I tried staying despite my pain and I stayed until I realized that I was experiencing so much pain I wasn't even getting joy from their sets anymore due to how much pain I was still in from the opening act(s) and the before/between sets playlists of bro country artists. It was the Q106 Toys for Tots holiday show at The Majestic in Madison back in 2017 that was my realization of "I can't keep putting me through this anymore" and it was me literally flinching and convulsing from the music while the then 12 year old (who adored them more than any other band ever and this was her first time ever getting to see them live and it ended up such a bad experience due to the country music that the Taurus teen decided she was done with them for causing me so much pain) had her hands clamped over my ears and me still flinching like I was being jabbed with a cattle prod every time the vocals twanged on the songs playing between sets.... Once I realized the pain from the country radio songs surrounding their sets was robbing me of feeling any joy in the sets, I took that option off the table. So my options remaining were 1) to speak my truth of my experiences honestly 2) to lie rather than speak the hard to hear truths 3) to leave silently with no explanation for the reasons of disappearance. I refused to lie because that's simply not in my nature by a conscious choice I made when I was in the 4th grade recognized that trust can't be built on a foundation of lies and no meaningful relationships can exist without mutual trust. And I considered just leaving ceasing to show up, but I felt that if it were me and my business, my art, my career, if I lost a faithful fan/customer who had loved everything I ever did and had stood for, I would want to know what I did that made them leave and give up on me so they deserved as much from me. So I chose honesty about my experiences and for that I was blocked -- for speaking the truth of my own experiences that the country radio at shows was so painful to my synesthesia it would stop me attending future concerts. That was my experience with my synesthesia and my truth, it's my truth EVERY time I have to endure country radio artists, the reactionary defensiveness to hearing the hard truths of my honesty about my experiences was the choices that was about Britt and Liz and their choices and the choices they made in the name of the entire collective of the band to respond to honesty and truth with bullying via ostracism and injustice.
So what lessons COULD I learn regarding honesty and truthfulness? That I shouldn't choose to be honest about my lived experiences or that I should shut up about the hard truths that the person holding all the power doesn't want to hear? Fuck that -- down that road one only finds paths of the abused and paths of injustice that is never fought. The only lessons I can derive from it is that the choice of being honest and speaking up about hard truths is mine -- how those with power to harm you REACT to truths they don't want to hear or they don't want other people to know is about THEM. You don't betray honesty and truth, not even when someone who always claimed to stand up against injustice chooses to become the bully because they don't want people to know the truth of their own defensiveness and ego.
Now we get to the part about my own desires an what lessons there are for me about my desires for a given outcome....
Well. On this I am guilty. I have long held desired outcome, across lifetimes, that Eric and I could bend our life paths back together in any/every lifetime we're given that chance and to choose to heal and grow to better versions of ourselves within the light of that love and the bond that pulls us back towards each other. I've wanted that for so long, for so many lifetimes and all of this lifetime, and for so far back that I genuinely can' remember a lifetime without that desire being there somewhere inside of me whether we were able to realize it or not in those lives.... It was that raw desire for our paths to cross once more if that's what he wanted which is why for this reward life of mine I asked that 1) any soul seeking me be able to find me 2) I wished to live my entire life surrounded by people I love who could love for me qua me 3) For as long as those first two conditions were met, I want to grow old again because I haven't in centuries... I didn't choose to ask for him directly in this (or any) reward life because the only way for their to be meaning in me getting what I want would be if it was also what he wanted and chose -- it would be meaningless to have him in my life if that wasn't what he wanted and chose for himself and his life path this life. I still stand by that. I just asked for the conditions that as long as he was seeking me and me as I am was something he desired and valued, he'd find me this life.
Ad the thing is, all of this life, I never once doubted that there was anything wrong with my desire for a specific outcome. I never doubted that with all the flood of past life memories of when our lives have interwoven and the pull of the bond and all the shared dream space and ability to reach each other even over distances throughout my childhood and early adulthood, I never doubted he would find me and I'd get the outcome I wanted, that it was fated to happen somehow at some point. Sure I'd get bored and date whoever was in my life while I waited, knowing every time that what was wrong with them for me was that they weren't him. But I never doubted my desire or that the outcome I desired was fated to come true once we crossed paths. The very IDEA of doubting my desired outcome never once entered my head. The closest that came was, "What if this life of mine ends before he finds me or before we can choose a path to walk together?" and my answer for that was, "Death is inevitable, short or long life that's what incarnating being born means, and if that happens then there will be future lives with future fateline paths we can walk together when our souls and our karma choose that for us both." Never once in my entire life did I ever doubt it -- not until August 2019 when he, personally, was all excited talking about going live on the band's account to celebrate their Kickstarter success with "all our fans and backers" but then didn't even CARE about the injustice of going live there after some of those fns and backers had been blocked on the band account for their past honesty. And first I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he simply didn't know -- after all if he had nothing to do with blocking any fans there, how could he know anyone was blocked? So I naively assumed he simply didn't know and that speaking the difficult truth telling him why he was doing something wrong and unjust by going live on the band instagram account claiming it was a way to thank ALL the fans and ALL the backers. I put my faith once again in being honest about my lived experiences and speaking up the hard truths.
But all I got to the dms was that they were marked seen but no replies. And when I tried to bring it up publicly, all I got was victim blamed and attacked by the band's "diehards" because nobody associated with the band would ever have done anything like that unless I deserved it so obviously it was my fault. And from him there was no actions, no responses (though he did still reply to other people's comments and the official band twitter even liked some of the comments from diehards replying to me bringing up why not ALL the fans could attend an instagram live unless the band did something about addressing the blocking of fans for any criticism of not being fans of country radio that occurred on their instagram account under their previous management.) And that hurt. That hurt damn deep. As Bronx said tonight on the Patreon preview of their October reading for Libra, "Betrayal never comes from a stranger, only from someone you trust." I had TRUSTED that he simply didn't know but that his claim to stand against injustice and bullying and to stand for seeking social justice was true.I had TRUSTED he would and should care once he knew. And he didn't. He did nothing, he didn't respond, he went right on ahead with taking active part in bullying and ostracism and excluding people while claiming to stand for inclusiveness as a band and as an individual.
And that hurt, it hurt deeply, and it made me need to reassess a lot of things....
I concluded that he had failed the test, was still choosing peer pressure over doing what his ethics claimed to stand for -- that he STILL was failing that same damn lesson of what to do when choosing between social pressures and personal ethics which he failed 600 years ago. And so after sitting with my sense of hurt and betrayal and rejection and injustice following his choices of August 2019, I reached the point I accepted that Divine Timing is Divine Timing and only he can learn his lessons in his own time and way so I can't rush it with my desires -- that until he learned that lesson and learned it true enough to pass his soul tests on it, I would only veer be a catalyst of that test for him and we couldn't be healthy and healing and a source of soul growth for each other. And it was in that spirit which I accepted that this life now was not the timing intended for our paths to cross again and to renew a lifetime of choosing each other as our shared path and shared fate, that my desire and impatience had brought us together too soon before he'd learned his karmic soul lessons and this was the price of my desire trying to force Divine Timing so I would accept "not this life" and in that spirit wish him my hail and farewell at the three shows I had tickets to see them in Nov/Dec 2019. (Tickets I bought after they announced they were indie, during my naive hope that they wouldn't knowingly be bullies and maybe it had all somehow been a misunderstanding from their management/country label which had got me blocked for my honesty that country music at shows would keep me from attending future shows and once they were independent in charge once more of their own band and their own image and their own social media it was all fixable where it had been broken -- that I didn't need to let them go, I just had to speak up the truth of what happened give them a chance to make it right again.) I went to Ann Arbor, Chicago, and Minneapolis with the intention of a proper farewell and goodbye (for now and however long it takes) since I already had the tickets from when I'd dared hope for something better.... In Ann Arbor I wouldn't even let me look at Eric, not once for that entire show, because I didn't think it fair on either of us to give him the lie of false hope when I was there as a goodbye.... And in Chicago, I, I had my rose quartz polar bear charm pendant from Detroit Zoo polar gift shop on me because I didn't want to leave it hanging visibly in the car where it normally is, and rose quartz makes all my empath gifts stronger and all I could feel was how hurt and sad and confused he was, and when I looked at Ian he just gestured with his head over at his brother asking me to at least LOOK at him because he was so emo and miserable where he'd only hoped for joy after how much joy there was at all the summer shows of 2019... And I just,between the intensity of everything from Eric down the bond and the intensity of meeting Ian's eyes na dhim asking that I decided that it wouldn't be a goodbye without making it a good goodbye, acknowledging all the good and beauty and joy that the band had brought me over the years and that included the joy in having found/been found by Eric against all the odds.... So in Chicago I gave in to the connection and all the brightness and joy and love there and all the potential for it to burn brighter still -- because it was all still a part of the truth of it all. And in Minne I came in still in that inner space and was there in that magickal place where everything shines extra bright and is full of promise for most of that show. And I was there, and I was even asking myself if I HAD to say goodbye, had to make myself let go, until the part of Brittany talking all about the importance of standing up to speak the hard truths to power then saying from the stage "please find us on our Instagram, we would love nothing more than to have all of you follow us there" and him re-echoing the desire to have everyone join in there and then Brittany saying, "I hope this song gives you the strength to leave that job, to walk away from that relationship that isn't going anywhere, to stand up for yourself." as her intro to Hands Dirty.... And it was that plea to do the impossible, what had been MADE impossible by her defensive choices and his choice of inaction after being directly told about why it was impossible for me to join them there eon their Instagram while blocked on the band's account, those words are what made all that new born joy and hope die inside me. It just hurt all over again... And it just, all that light and fire and joy in the connection being renewed it all just went out inside me like a bucket of water drenching me from head to toe... And so I looked at him one last time and had an inner,"Farewell my love" and I shut down blocked out the bond, and I looked one last time at all of them to say my inner goodbye -- and I deliberately stepped behind a very tall man and a pillar so that I couldn't see the stage and nobody on the stage could see me even while standing on the box... Not even when Ian stood on it during Dance in the Graveyards which is one I've always loved right from the start and always made me shine extra bright, but there was no luminous brightness in me at all that time, everything just burned out and sodden unable to be re-lit and physically without having any soul brightness to shine around the physical barriers there was nothing to help him find me in the crowd after I said that inner goodbye.
And everything since then has been about me fighting the battle to square the circle of the hurt eveyr time that old injustice and bullying is picked at and my selfish desires to still at least SEE him know hes' happy with his life path he's chosen for himself and accepting that he has the right to his free will choices and I can't force the hands of Divine Timing...
And somewhere in Leo season, I recognized that.... As long as any part of me clung to my own selfish desires for a given outcome, I wasn't truly ACCEPTING his actions, what he had done with his free will choices and the consequences of his choices for his life path. That to truly accept his choices as his own to make was to remove any hope of my desires EVENTUALLY coming true because my desires would require shifting his life path in ways that he wasn't choosing for himself... So I decided that I would choose radical acceptance of his choices/actions and let him make his own paths, in this life and his future lives, without being bound by the chain of my selfish desires for my reunion with him -- to let him go with no expectations of him choosing for our paths to cross... To let go of all desires within me that his path cross mine so our futures could have the same shared path and to instead let myself be guided by the pull of what lights me up with joy and to be in the places where people choose me and love me as I am, honesty of my own truths and all....
So. That's where I'm at. That's what I'm trying to do. Because it's the only way that I can see for me to truly respect his free will to take him wherever it is he wants to be to find whatever happiness it is he seeks given where we are now and the choices that he has made or allowed to be made in his name.... For me to take radical acceptance of his choices and his right to whatever life path he chooses even if there's no place for me in it and that it's wrong of me to hold him to old promises and the chains of my desires for the outcome I have desired.... He doesn't have to choose me or any future paths with me in it if that's not what he desires and chooses for his life of his own free will -- and his will isn't free if I dare to bind it with my desires for a given future fate lines and old promises he may have outgrown...
It sucks and I hate it and it doesn't get me what I DESIRE -- but it's the ethically right thing to do in light of the life he has built for himself, the choices that have been made for him by those he trusts most, and the choices he has made for himself when given a chance to fix what was broken in 2018....
I still quite firmly believe that all things that break can be fixed with acts of intention. But... I can't choose for him or his sister or the band or anyone else to WANT to fix this, and all intention to make things better than they've been has to start from a place of WANTING to make things better. As long as you don't see anything wrong with how something is, there can be no intention to fix what you refuse to see as broken. And no amount of desire to fix it on my side can do any damn thing if the people with power to do something to fix things refuse to even acknowledge that things got broken and need fixing... I can't make his free will choices for him, all I can do is accept the choices he's made up until now and hope that they will get him to the happiness that he seeks. And that if they don't bring him the happiness he seeks, then I wish for him the courage to figure out what went wrong, what choices and consequences got him to where he is so he can figure out what choices he has to make to get him to the happiness he seeks for himself, in this lifetime and all his future lifetimes. Because, after all, I can force myself to this sort of radical acceptance of his free will where I let go of even my desires for a given set of outcomes -- but still all I have it in me to wish for him is that he reach the happiness he seeks and that he find his way to get there wherever and whatever it is. All I ever wanted for him, in any life, was for him to be all alight in that brilliant joyous soul light light that shines from him when he chooses what he truly loves and finds joy in. The world is dimmer for me if I have to imagine it without the light of his soul at its brightest truest.... So I won't desire I be any part of his life if there's no place for me and I won't desire that he ever have to cross life paths with me again in his future lives if that's not what he wants -- but damnit all I still desire that the light of his joy and his love be shining somewhere, with whatever brings that to shine brightest in him, on whatever paths he takes in this life and all his future lives.
*sigh* I'm not going to find my answers at quarter to 5 in the morning after not sleeping all night.... I'm gonna go make a cuppa tea now and read until predawn light tells me to go watch the sunrise. My only plans for today are to head home at some point to see my cat Spock and change into Packers gear, drive to New Berlin to stop by Westons Antique Orchard for more heirloom apples and fresh cider, watch the Packers game late on delay at like 5pm via Zoom with my sister's family (my niece Monroe has an afternoon birthday party so my sister asked me if I would watch with them after they get back.)
O. And it's the Libra new moon and Rosh Hashanah. Luckily for me that the eating apples for a sweet year is the easiest part of me keeping the Jewish High Holy Days. At least it's the start of the High Holy Days, not Yom Kippur, I still have time for the soul searching and to ask forgiveness for any wrongs I've done before the book of the year closes. I'm Jewish by birth in this life, but my soul cleaves to older Universalist daoist pantheist pagan beliefs. Still, the traditions of soul searching and atonement and forgiveness for moving into the next year is one of the few things I keep of Jewish traditions because I like it as a healthy process for any soul of any faith to come clean with one's own conscience and your concept of the Divine. Funny enough, last night last night in the lobby before symphony, I ran into Maureen one of my Jewish friends from Camp Shalom and one of my closest high school friends who hadn't seen in over a decade. She lives in Chi but is in town visiting her parents for Rosh Hashanah since it falls on tomorrow at sunset and her and her husband decided to come see symphony tonight. They even ended up seated in our same row just a 4 people down from us, curiously enough. She actually reminded me it was Rosh Hasahanah Sunday at sunset, which otherwise might have slipped my mind. Makes her the first for me to exchange "L'shanah tova" with for the coming year, lol.
P. S. Because of the instrumentals of the song in my head, I decided it only appropriate to make a cuppa Breathe Deep to honor the lyrics. This was my tea tag....
If you'll pardon the dark circles under my eyes right now from a significant lack of proper sleep recently, these were some of my reactions at the Universe's sense of humor.
Now what's a girl supposed to do with tea tag advice signs/synchronicities like that?!?!
Best my tire brain has got is not to do anything unless it's coming entirely from a place of love. That even free will can choose to be bound in ties and chains of love, and that that's the one Universal law greater than the sanctity of free will. So not to do anything impulsively that doesn't come completely and entirely from love.
That's the best I got to understand that tea tag synchronicity as advice after I'd written this whole dang post to help me purge a catharsis from all the feelings whirling about inside me, the ones in the post title brackets and all. Like I said, Universe has a funny sense of humor and timing....
O my sweet bear.... How is this such a fucking mess that should have been so easy? *Sigh* I wish I could find the end of the string that I could give one good solid tug and untangle the whole damn mess to let us try again. Not start over, we start over we repeat the same stupid mistakes. But to untangle the mess so we can try again, with all the lessons that the mess taught us of what we don't want to do from here forward
[Post Title: Lyrics to the Delta Rae song The Meaning of It All. I have always loved this song, and weirdly it's never made me want to cry like it does for so many other people (including him) because I always hear in it the strength to endure that is the bedrock of it against all the rocks. It's that promise in the lines, "Cause we're breaking down, and I can tell it's deep. There's a tidal wave that's rushing towards the beach. But you know I'll be there waiting, With my arms outstretched to reach for you, my love. 'Cause we all want love." that is what stays with me always from that song. Those lines of promise and the piano melody with the strings arrangements. Sometimes, when I've hurt the hardest and made myself be the most stoic in radical acceptance of letting him go if that's what he wants and his choices dictate, my brain will play for me just that piano and strings part of the song and even when my conscious brain won't let me hear his voice and thus the words themselves as a reminder, just my inner jukebox playing for me the piano melody and strings arrangements when I'm hurting worst I'll feel the comfort of that bedrock promise in the song like the strongest warmest love filled hug. Through everything else and all the doubts and the mistakes and the messes and the letting go and the heartaches, that's the one thing I've held onto that has stayed with me and is still with me even now, even in me trying to accept that letting him go mean not just letting go of desires outcomes for THIS lifetime but accepting it may never be in future lives.]
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