Sometimes I think that these choices are causing intense suffering in Eric's soul, even while he gets what he has said he wants from the world his heart is not happy. And that weighs upon me. But the thing is, I know of no way to exist, to go through this life except by a fidelity to truth speaking because anything less is a disrespectful act of cruelty undermining a person's grasp of reality itself and by holding free will in a sacrosanct respect because it's the only thing that gives meaning to actions. I bend and break rules all the time and I am spoiled by the Universe itself so that the most improbable things unfold as gifts in my life - but the price of it is that I am bound by my own laws of justice seeking and truth speaking and unqualified respect for free will. I always have been, in every life. Every rule I change is catalyzed by the injustice I point out in the old rules. It is a way of amending the laws of Creation from within where they are unjust to those within it, never an act of defiance against the unfolding of Creation. 

I know that the promise he thought he held from me was that if he could find me our paths would be the same for the remainder of that life. But that isn't what I promised him.... I promised him that if he found me and so long as he wanted me as I am then I would always choose him, in every life that he is among my options. But our life paths can never and will never be the same if I'm not wanted by him or accepted by him as what I am. I will always let him go be free of me if I am no part of what he chooses for himself. And to choose a course of burying truth and allowing an injustice to stand is to say you do not want me as I am, that you do not value the ethics by which I find my path across my lifetimes. 

I do not have goals of the physical world, I seek only to be faithful to my principles while leaving sparks of light that make whatever I touch grow stronger and better for my touch upon it. That's it. That's all my goal in this life and in all my lives. I don't have a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan. I do not have career goals or fiscal goals. I am not dazzled by the false lustre of celebrity or the corrupting influence of power. My goals don't form a nice neat checklist nor do they align with anything society says mark success.  All my goals are to stay true to my own ethical principles and to brighten this world for the healing strength I give to all I touch. That's it. 

There is no path to me nor any path shared by me if your goals are success on the terms of the world that involve rationalizing actions that create cruelty or injustice to others or require burying/hiding truths rather than bringing them into the light. There never has been. Not in this life or any other. 

It's not my choices that remove him from my precogs and the fate lines that touch my life path. And so it's not my choices that could ever bring him back to a path with those futures. It was his choice to turn away from hard truths about the past and to rationalize accepting acts of cruelty and injustice committed in his name and for him to take active part in such acts. Those were his choices. Never mine. My only choices in the matter were to speak only the truth of my own experiences, even when those were inconvenient or unflattering, and to accept his choices he made in free will every step along the path he has created for himself. 

I hate the times that he feels empty and hurt and full of sorrow over the distance between us and the fact our future paths do not currently have crossing fate lines in this life. But I cannot make his choices for him and I will not knowingly betray truth or justice or my ethics. I would not be deserving of the great spiritual gifts I have been given if I did not guide my use of them by a fidelity to truth and justice and a compassionate acceptance of the sanctity of free will. And I do more good with my gifts, for all my wandering ways are chaotic to catalyze changing the old rules that have ossified into cruelty and injustice. I bring more light into the cycles of incarnation than if I betrayed my gifts and ceased incarnating with them.  And is that not my entire reason for entering into the cycles of Incarnation? For catalyzing the changes and bringing in light from within it rather than serving the unfolding from without it?

If he ever truly chooses me and my path, his soul know how to find me again. In this and every life. And when he makes that choice, I will welcome him with open arms in whatever capacity our lives can grow together. But he can't have me while choosing a course that pays only lip service to equality while perpetuating a system of exclusion created in his name. And he can't have me while rationalizing the burying or ignoring of hard truths that he or those he loves don't want to face. Because on such courses, he is choosing for himself a life path that denies everything that I set my course by. 

I hate that he hurts. But I will not betray my higher self and I cannot make his choices for him or fight what his free will chooses. He has always been free to pick any path he chooses, including the ones that lead away from what I use to guide my own path. And so I see nothing I can do to help heal his hurting given these constraints bound by the choices of my nature and choices made/perpetuated in his name. And that's the same reason that at this time there is no choice of mine that can bring him back into my precogs - only choices he could make can do that. And I have no reasons to expect he would make such choices. So I work to accept the choices made for him and by him whose consequences bring us to a present where he is no part in any of my precogs or any of the currently available fate lines. I have hope that he might choose a different course, but I have no expectations he will choose differently than his past choices for his life path this life. 

I don't say any of this in a spirit of judgement or condemnation, though I recognize I could be (mis) read that way. I say it in a spirit of recognition of reality as it is at this point in time. And I say it as a profound (re)affirmation of my faith and respect that his free will choices will lead him through the lessons his soul most needs and down the life path to the happiness he seeks for himself -- even if that means accepting his freedom to go far from me and the paths I must walk for my own soul journey. For however long that means letting him go and however far apart our lives paths lead us on our soul journeys. I say this from a place of unending non-possessive love. When he decides to seek me once more, his soul and his heart will always know the paths to find me again. No matter how far separated or for how long a separation there is. But only if I let him be free to choose his own path where his choices lead him. I cannot stop him from being hurt by the choices of his path, all I can do is love him enough to trust that in time he will find his way back and to keep clear and true the paths that radiate from wherever/whenever I am.

P. S. Rena Rossner's novel The Light of the Midnight Stars is phenomenally gorgeous and I absolutely love it. Heartbreaking and full of light no matter how the shadows try to destroy the brightest burning. It's strange that Barnes & Noble shelves it in the mythology/fairytale section (where I found it) given it's a modern novel published in 2021 even if its themes are mythic ancient and it's full of storytelling. But I highly highly recommend it!! It is a personal favorite that I keep making other people buy and read since discovering it earlier this year. Even if nobody seems quite certain which genre section of the bookstore it belongs in. 

P. P. S. In the realm of facts not fictional, my dad's mother's mother's lineage are red-haired green eyed Jews from Hungary/Romania/Ukraine and many of my gifts come down that bloodline. I look at gifts as having a soul component for accessing them but also a genetic component for how spiritual energies can be channeled through an incarnating mortal body. Certain gifts follow certain bloodlines, even if the souls born into them don't always have the ability to awaken or train their gifts. The reason for me deciding to tell this truth here will make more sense if you read the novel I recommended above.