So. This is 100% the bottle of 2018 Cabernet Sauvignon Trevenezie that maman and I split while da and I were war gamesing the current political moment. (Imagine if you will getting Marcus Aurelius and Machiavelli together to discuss the current political moment and that's how it is listening to my da and me playing out future variables and paths. I definitely was sitting on the floor hugging the doggos with my wine glass in my hand and said to him, "No. I disagree. that's no longer a likely path. Even if he has his own neo-Nazi paramilitary ready to stand by and even with their massive stockpiled munitions, they're not stronger than the American military currently is. And he lost the military, leadership as well as most rank and file, because he treated them like shit. They even said directly a few months back that they won't follow him as commander in chief if he tries to declare this an unfair election partisan thing because it's not the place of the military to pick a president  -- they'll stand behind rule of law and whatever Congress decides is legitimate. He fucked up alienating the military and insulting them. The one thing any would be dictator can never do is alienate a powerful military. That's how you get Caligulaed." Because wine drunk Dani thinks Caligula is a verb, lol.)  

As I've said before, red wine makes me extra cuddly and have an intense agapic all-forgiving love of humankind.  That's one reason I rarely drink wine when I go out, because it can get me in trouble -- that and I'm a fucking snob about wine and while I love GOOD wine and will drink mediocre wine with a grimace, I refuse to drink not good wine and will either dump it down the drain or hand it off for someone else to finish for me. And most wine in America that isn't expensive is undrinkable.  I'm a major snob about wine -- but also it does make me SUPER cuddly and full of agapic love. Basically if you ever need to make amends, you should give me about half a bottle or more of good red wine, apologize for whatever you did while promising to fix it and never do it again. And I'll probably just give you a big loving bear hug say, "It's alright love, it'll be alright now I promise."  I mean, I'll always respond well to that sort of genuine place of seeking forgiveness. but even if you're not ready to fix the past, wine drunk Dani is like Juliet's dad who's just like, "Yeah we have a blood feud, but don't fucking ruin my vibe at this party and we good!" But also...I mean, it genuinely doesn't matter what you fucked up -- you feel bad about it and you're going to fix the mess it made and  learn from it AND you ask me for forgiveness while I'm red wine drunk? The only answer you'll get from me under those circumstances is,"Aww hun, we good -- I'm so sorry you've been hurting! Come here now and snuggle up with me, it'll come right. We'll make sure of that, yeah?"

Anyway. So maman and I had drunk about 2/3 the bottle of wine before my parents left and she left me to finish the other third of it while I was watching Dave over on a Patreon live (that I showed up half an hour late for because talking to my parents but it'll be over on a private youtube with the link in their patreon for any/every time I wish to rewatch it so it's okay.) but then after it ended, I just... ever since, I've just wanted so much to wrap my arms around Eric and hold onto him promise him it'll come out right somehow, in time, and everything will be okay -- and to just hold him til he believes it.

Anyway. I spent the morning to myself with my dog, the afternoon tutoring physics to the 15 year old so she could could go from a 42% to a 96% on her online "take as many times as you need to" weekly test, the golden hours outside with my pupper getting the flower bed ready for winter, and then spending after sunset finishing up the alphabetizing and hanging out with my parents since they're heading out to their cabin in Montana the day after my birthday.

Soooooo many messages and posts about Twin Flames today all over my social feeds and in my inbox, mon bon dieu.

That's the one that resonated the most with me most, the reminders that separation is for healing and that when the healing is completed, there's nothing that can stand in the way of Union at that point.  That nothing can actually get between Union except individual choices and unhealed energies.

That reminder helps. The reminder that sometimes the separation is necessary and the only way to catalyze the healing that is needed.  And that is genuinely the point we're at now - the point that Eric's choices under the influence of Britt as the version of her she became once manipulated by Jessie playing on Britt's unhealed jealous bullying defensiveness shadow side has brought us.  

Also, Bronx's Libra reading confused the fuck out of them but made complete sense to me for me and my own inner state at this time with the choices before me...

Diving into Ma'at: we have fully entered into Libra season (my sun and Mercury sign this life) of the Year of Perfect Vision

 If the poisons could be removed, things could be healed, and there was a healthy way forward with Eric, then I would choose that course immediately and every time and without any hesitation.  I would always and always and always choose him if I can do so without causing more harm than good to him or to me.  Always.  

But that's a big if....  And while it's not insurmountable, I cannot make it reality on my own and I simply don't see it happening as it relies on choices that aren't mine to make and lessons that aren't mine to learn....  I can't make Eric or his sister swallow their pride enough to acknowledge the damage their choices did, and I can't learn for him that sublimating his ethics to the social persuasion of others is an act of injustice when it involves knowingly hurting another,  and I certainly can't do a damn thing to fix the mess Jessie has made of their band's image to any/everyone who balked at having to listen to shitty country music to be considered a fan of the band.  She has done more damage than good for the band's pr by her choices/policies because of her biased love of all things country radio except when preaching to the choir who already loved country radio.  I've talked to other longterm fans she also blocked and has continued to refuse to respond to and treats this way  over their refusal to follow into country radio nearly two years ago now - I'm not the only victim of Jessie's biases or her bullying tactics or her influence on the band. She wants sycophants and worshippers at the altar of the band no matter what choices they make,  not fans willing to be honest regarding what they do/don't like or people treated as equal or anyone who questions a damn thing. And that is wrong and wrong and wrong - it is all authoritarianism and injustice and "my way or the highway" patriarchal moral codes. (patriarchy isn't about gender,  it's about establishing power hierarchies.  Misogyny is about gender,  but patriarchy, like colonialism, is merely another brand of authoritarian conformist hierarchical "I know better than you how you should behave" paternalism.)   But their fanbase and their team and the ethics of Delta Rae are no longer a concern of mine. By the choices made in the name of Delta Rae. 

So IF those problems could be solved so we could grow from a healthy not toxic soil,  I'll choose Eric - forever and always I choose him.  But those aren't the choices he has made or shown any sign he's going to make.  And I need to accept that free will is sacrosanct for EVERY soul,  and take his choices for what they are and chart my course accordingly.  And MY choice is that until those poisons can be removed and the roots and foundations healed,  he and I cannot create or grow between us anything good or healthy.  And if we can't be healthy together, I'd rather we ache and yearn for each other while learning what lessons we need to come back together healthy than that we grow more poisonous things that will require even longer unlearning to get us to something good.  

That's my choice.  And in this entire time since 2017 that Saturn the lord of karma has been in Capricorn,  first forward then retrograde and in 3 more days direct again,  I have not wavered in that choice no matter how hard it is or how deep the pain cuts.  I can't make his choices or learn his karmic lessons for him - but I can stand firm that I will no longer enable bad choices by me being any part of the toxic ones that get in the way of his soul's path to healing or mine. 

This choice won't change in me.  The only way to reach a different outcome and to alter my course is for Eric to make the choices and learn the lessons for his soul's healthy growth and healing rather than him taking part in recurring patterns of toxicity. 

I choose to distance myself from his soul for as long as our connection is toxic, to focus on my own battles and tasks and healing while letting our twin flame bond be without bridging the gulf I am putting between us contingent upon his choices to ever bridge it. I am removing myself from the recurring cycles of toxicity.   He needs to do his own shadow work and choose not to participate in these old patterns and to learn his lessons truly to reach me again - in this or any future life.  And there will be a hole of incompletion and anguish in him until he does - but I can't do this karmic work for him nor would it be right for me to continue enabling him not to do it....  So this is my conscious choice in full knowledge of what my choice means for my soul,  for his soul,  and for what binds our souls together.... Not until he chooses and learns how to have our connection be healthy rather than poisoned will I allow myself to foster it.  No matter how many lifetimes of exile from each other that requires.  

That's my choice based on where his choices and the choices of those he surrounds himself with have pushed me. This is my choice in the name of The Universe's Unfolding Plan of Creation and my solemn vow with The Goddess as my patroness, the Raven deities as my witnesses, and the Hawk God as my conscience-keeper. 

And.  It also means. Given my options. So long as I am any part of what David chooses for his own soul's journey and happiness he seeks in this life,  I will still choose to cleave to David as my life partner to help me heal and grow and to balance out our own anam cara karma and for us to find joy bring goodness into the Creation in this life. 

Those are my choices based on Eric's choices up to this moment and the paths his choices leave open to me.  And my choices will never change until his do - and I no longer expect that sort of growth or change from Eric within this life...  I could be wrong,  he could surprise me, and if he does I will welcome him back with open arms and recalibrate my choices accordingly... But I genuinely don't expect he will....  

 I should probably set that last post to a draft now it's not 4:30am.... Because,  part of why I can't cleanse my soul apologizing as I want to is that if you look at the rational logical facts of the situation and what's there in tangible reality,  there's nothing for me to apologize for and the deep feelings sound like an obsession for which meds and psychiatric help should be sought. All of the parts that matter are spiritual intangibles and things unsaid and soul contracts across reincarnated lives - and so it all sounds crazy to a modern data-driven logic seeking mindset.... And knowing that's how it looks is the primary reason why every time I decide to stop writing here I set this to private "blog authors only"  

And yet... the hurt from trying to keep this distance between our souls is still real,  in both of us, even if it can't be measured or quantified by anything in this modern mess....  And nothing can be healed til you acknowledge the way it's broken. Not in a physical body, not in relationships, not in a society,  not in the soul. Denial only lets the poisons fester and the hurting suffer worse.  You have to acknowledge it exists then find the courage to turn to face it,  no matter how terrifying that feels,  before you can fight it and change it and heal it.  

And that means crazy as it sounds if you measure only the tangibles,  acknowledging my own hurt and the hurt inside Eric's soul needs to be a part of any/all choices I make given the options I have.  Even if I choose self-denial and stoicism and not talking about it because I'm a Capricorn moon,  I need to do so in full acknowledgement of the pain this all has sown (and will continue to sow) in him and in me.... 

 In other news,  I finally bought some more cheese at Farmer's Market last week so I made an omelette this morning for breakfast and I'm in such food nirvana right now while drinking the rest of this pot of coffee!  (toasted garlic in butter then munched on the garlic chips while caramelizing red onions in the garlic butter, then added 3 types of hot pepper to sautée,  then added a bell pepper and quartered cherry tomatoes (I only like tomatoes cooked) and herbes de Provence and a citrus infused olive oil,  then added the bok choy and fresh cilantro and finished with balsamic vinegar.  That and slices of an herb & garlic colby from Farmer John were the filling of my omelette.)

 So.  Since it's 4:30am and I'm still up because I have no Circadian rhythm unless I'm aligning mine with other people's schedules - which is not the case at all right now since I live by myself (except my fur babies, feather baby,  and green babies) AND since high school I've been able to set my own hours at work because 1) family business (computer repair shop older than me) and 2) my job is graphic design,  clerical, and taking care of my plants at work all of which I can do outside normal work hours. I like working or reading late at night - as an empath I like the quiet without everyone's emotions so loud and draining as constant background noise and I can be more focused productive.  Anyway.  4:30am. Most people sleep but I'm awake. 

I just.... It's weighing on me feeling like I've done wrong by Eric owe him an apology for the hurt and sadness I've given him.  It weighs on me even heavier that he might feel I ceased loving him,  because I haven't... I never could... I just know that without fixing things to have a solid foundation of trust in each other, we can only be toxic not healthy together given how deeply we both care.  And I can't fix that foundation if I'm the only one even willing to try.  So given those parameters, I have to go and keep as distant as possible no matter how deeply it hurts me and how intensely I yearn for him - because to choose otherwise under those parameters hurts us both far more longterm than me distancing myself for as long as things are broken and toxic and he's not willing to face the work that needs to be done to clean out those poisons mixed in and make a solid foundation to build on rather than this broken one....  Change the parameters, find me a better solution, and I'll change my choices change course immediately. I just don't see any better choices open to me right now....  So as a Capricorn moon, given these options I've chosen to endure the martyrdom of making myself miserable by keeping myself distant from him rather than the toxic patterns of us wanting to be together no matter anything else,  even if we hurt each other... I still love him and desire him in every moment of every day and inside me I feel the pull toward him like a compass points north. That's not something changeable, it's fixed always oriented to bring me back to him.  Keeping myself from saying,  "fuck it! Who needs a solid foundation or to remove these poisons so we can be healthy together" and choosing to run back to him where I belong is a constant neverending battle. I can pretend I want somebody else, somebody who makes me happy, but I don't.  I just want Eric. He's the only true north my soul recognizes... 

And I hate feeling that right now I owe him an apology for how much he's hurt over this distance between us.  I hate it and it makes me hate myself for hurting him and not being able to make that right at this point....  Because how can I stop being the reason he hurts except by coming back to him?  But how can I come back to him with this set of choices from the past that is poisoning anything between us?  And how can I clean up this mess if nobody but me will even acknowledge its existence, even after me sending the band account a facebook dm yet again early this month after their kickstarter email urging people "find them on instagram" which is impossible when you're blocked on the band's insta account - a dm to which nobody even bothered responding?  

I mean.  I can't fix the mess from my side alone.  And if it doesn't get fixed,  the poison and rot of it can only destroy the foundations of things worse.... And so I can't let myself come back to him,  even in dream space on our karmic bond, because it would be a temporary relief while worsening the long term problem of that rot and poison under anything we build.... And so I can't make right the wrong of how it hurts him to have me beyond his reach.  And fucking all of it could be fixed by just facing what caused the damage and fixing it.  But I can't do that by myself.  So we're stuck with this stupid and painful option as best that just drains and hurts both him and me no matter how we try to hide it keep going on despite the open wound of it all.  

Which is fucking idiotic.  Especially in this time of humankind's history.... 

And I just.  I'd really like to tell him I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused him by having to distance us this way and ask him to forgive me for how he's been hurt and then figure out how we can heal this all to move forward together in a healthy way.  I just really really want that opportunity - and I can't see a way to get me there.  And I hate myself  that I'm the reason he's hurting inside and yet I can't find my way for us to heal this under the parameters we have to work with..... 

It's currently the high holy days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, so it's a time of deep introspection, soul cleansing, seeking forgiveness, and atoning for wrongs that we have done others.   I'm not particularly religious and though I'm Jewish I don't attend synagogue or anything. I'm far more pantheist syncretic pagan-taoist than anything else due to so many of my lives having been pagan and having several of the old gods and goddesses as friends/protectors who still watch over me and (try to) keep me out of getting into too much trouble -- also I actively dislike vengeful patriarchal dogmatic monotheism  of all varieties (including much that's in the Tanakh) because I dislike being told what to do and that someone else's "one way" is the right way. So I'm not really the best or most orthodox Jew out there, though I am born Jewish and that makes me and any children I may have Jewish regardless of any of our own personal or spiritual beliefs. All that said, I do keep the traditions surrounding Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and the annual soul searching is something I believe is deeply healing and important at a spiritual and mental health level. 

One of the traditions in Judaism that most people don't realize unless they're Jewish, is there's no "too late to apologize" in Judaism. (That song lyric has always bugged me every time I hear it, because the only time it's EVER too late to apologize is when you decide you're not fucking going to. And that's on you and your choices, not the amount of time or water under the bridge between you.)  Part of the High Holy Days is in seeking forgiveness and making atonement for anyone you have wronged and a large part of Judaic traditions is in the importance of forgiveness as a means of healing you both. So there's a tradition that once you realize that you have wronged someone, it is for you to seek them out and ask them to forgive you for the past wrongs tell you how to make it right and it's their choice whether to forgive you at that time or not -- and if they refuse you at that point in time you don't have any rights to ask for their forgiveness, for them to let you make it right, until the next year's High Holy Days. HOWEVER if during three different years of the High Holy Days you directly approach someone from a place of sincerity and ask them to forgive you and let you make atonement and make right the wrongs of the past three times and three times they deny you forgiveness refuse to allow making right the wrongs of the past, then you have made your atonement and the sin is no longer upon the person seeking forgiveness but upon the soul of the one too hard-hearted to allow forgiveness and making right what is between you.  (I think technically you're supposed to have three witnesses for the three times you ask for forgiveness for it to be considered atoned even if the forgiveness is denied -- but I don't follow the rules THAT specifically. I honor the spirit of the idea, not the dogma of it.) But that's something very different from a Christian or western mindset around forgiveness between people -- and it's an important distinction. As long as you feel genuine contrition and a genuine desire to make right what you did wrong and approach them seeking forgiveness in that spirit, then it's never too late for an apology or to try to fix what went wrong or to find forgiveness to move forward in a more healthy manner.

You are not expected to forget the past or the wrongs that have been done, especially if the wrongs are continuously repeated and no lesson learned yet  -- but you are expected to forgive them if somebody seeks to apologize and make atonement for the wrongs of the past once they have realized they did wrong. For your sake as much as for theirs.

And, most importantly of all... part of the shadow work during the High Holy Days is not just releasing and forgiving others, you have to forgive yourself for the version of you that you were (this is a part of the atonement process) even as you choose to heal and grow and not be that version of you any longer.

And so the ideas around forgiveness and about an annual cleansing of one's soul IS among the Jewish traditions I do keep and I keep it faithfully. Even when forgiveness and letting go of your past hurts is hard -- it's important to let it go and break those negative karmic chains lest it consume you. So I do keep the traditions around seeking forgiveness, giving forgiveness, and allowing a space for people to make right the wrongs of the past. Especially during the High Holy Days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Because I think it's beautiful and karmically important and makes the soul healthier than if you sidestep this sort of inner shadow work and choose to hang on to hate and bitterness and anger and hurt and guilt. 

So if you want to know what's on my mind, it's that sort of inner work even when it's hard to take ownership over the past fuckups and being in a receptive place for anyone who needs it to try to reach out to me to find common ground in order to heal and forgive and make right what has gone awry in the past. As well as cleansing and letting go within my own soul of wrongs I have committed and not yet released or atoned for.  

Also, I'm eating lots and lots of heirloom orchard apples. They're like 90% of my diet right now, lol. But that's typical for me in September, October, and November.  I don't actually like most store bought apples, but I'm absolutely crazy for heirloom orchard apples during apple season. Like Atalanta and the golden apples level crazy for real apples.

It's been extra hard to keep myself from allowing me to do it since late Friday or early Saturday or so....  Whenever Jupiter went direct.  

That was all.  Just wanted to acknowledge that truth and keep me honest about it.  

P. S.  Mon bon dieu,  but I loathe this ui..... 

Dayumn Bronx is good!!!  They are literally the best. THE BEST!!!!  They channel for tarot better than anyone I've ever met or encountered.

My Pisces Rising felt what they had to say 2 days ago as being intensely accurate, but ufgh my Libra Sun felt this month's reading like a sucker punch in the gut.... Their patreon extended readings for water and air signs for the first half of the month were good, but these were.... Damn..... They hit bullseye on damn near everything, especially about my most recent testing of my emotional heartstrings over the last 36 hours.....  Didn't do so well on it last night, felt myself get triggered and responded. but tonight I was better centered and grounded and feeling untouchable. Or rather... touchable but not able to be manipulated. Other than a wave of intense sorrow down the bond around 10pm, but I was kind of expecting it from him.

I'mma have to rewatch the Libra video multiple times. because damn Bronx hit that one out of the park eerily accurate for me.... Thought I'd gotten my heart to a point where pulling the same strings didn't pull the same old heartache -- but it did. So this is is where we at.

 And it's past time for me to truly accept the ending of the ending.  Not just the grieving and the sense of injustice and how deeply I was wronged (karma will sort THAT shit out though.... And I'm a Libra with a Capricorn moon and Aquarius in in my 12th house. I'm as closely linked in inextricably bound to karma as possible. I've said since I was a child that Serendipity lives on my left shoulder and Karma on my right. She is a right bitch and acts out immediately at anything done to me or done where I may see them.... Even when I ask mercy, karma is inflexible. Don't piss her off.  I've never had a life before this with karma being THIS swift and accurate, in any of my lives.)  but I need to finish the letting go and my acceptance of its necessity. Karma can sort out the injustice and the refusal to face it and fix it.... And she will.

Also, their birthday is the same as my sister (different year though.)  There are actually a lot of Virgo ladies who are near and dear to me..... Libras, Tauruses, Pisces, Virgos, Capricorns, Scorpios are the most common in my life. Couple of Cancers, Aries, and Sagittariuses to spice things up. Also a couple of Leos and a couple of Geminis, but they're not as easy to deal with as the others -- mostly because they're prone to creating unnecessary drama and getting defensive which makes them petty and vengeful and not good humans. And the more they realize they were acting like shit to someone, the worse they are about it.  I don't actually have any Aquariuses in my life, even as acquaintances -- they're the sign I connect to and get the least... I also have no planets or major anything in Aquarius and it rules my 12th house.

Going back to rewatching Lord of the Rings extended edition now. (Started earlier today because Mikaela had never seen it. Uncertain when we'll be finishing it now though since her dad decided to rent a cabin AirBnB with no refunds for the long weekend and didn't tell her until today and we had been planning to finish it tomorrow. She was not pleased. O well. She may have to wait til a school break since her classes start online again on Tuesday. We'll see how much work she has her first week -- her homework may be minimal or maybe we could make weekend plans to finish the series if she wants.... but I decided to finish my rewatch without her and wait til whenever she's available to finish the rewatch.

And then briefly cat sitting for Sat/Sun AND Skerryvore have their online concert on Saturday!

But oooh Bronx got this month right!