I should probably set that last post to a draft now it's not 4:30am.... Because,  part of why I can't cleanse my soul apologizing as I want to is that if you look at the rational logical facts of the situation and what's there in tangible reality,  there's nothing for me to apologize for and the deep feelings sound like an obsession for which meds and psychiatric help should be sought. All of the parts that matter are spiritual intangibles and things unsaid and soul contracts across reincarnated lives - and so it all sounds crazy to a modern data-driven logic seeking mindset.... And knowing that's how it looks is the primary reason why every time I decide to stop writing here I set this to private "blog authors only"  

And yet... the hurt from trying to keep this distance between our souls is still real,  in both of us, even if it can't be measured or quantified by anything in this modern mess....  And nothing can be healed til you acknowledge the way it's broken. Not in a physical body, not in relationships, not in a society,  not in the soul. Denial only lets the poisons fester and the hurting suffer worse.  You have to acknowledge it exists then find the courage to turn to face it,  no matter how terrifying that feels,  before you can fight it and change it and heal it.  

And that means crazy as it sounds if you measure only the tangibles,  acknowledging my own hurt and the hurt inside Eric's soul needs to be a part of any/all choices I make given the options I have.  Even if I choose self-denial and stoicism and not talking about it because I'm a Capricorn moon,  I need to do so in full acknowledgement of the pain this all has sown (and will continue to sow) in him and in me.... 

 In other news,  I finally bought some more cheese at Farmer's Market last week so I made an omelette this morning for breakfast and I'm in such food nirvana right now while drinking the rest of this pot of coffee!  (toasted garlic in butter then munched on the garlic chips while caramelizing red onions in the garlic butter, then added 3 types of hot pepper to sautée,  then added a bell pepper and quartered cherry tomatoes (I only like tomatoes cooked) and herbes de Provence and a citrus infused olive oil,  then added the bok choy and fresh cilantro and finished with balsamic vinegar.  That and slices of an herb & garlic colby from Farmer John were the filling of my omelette.)