My aunt and I went out for drinks after leaving grandma's house (I was bringing grandma back from an appointment and lunch -- my aunt was bringing groceries and planning to cook pasta for grandma that sounded really wonderful and I felt terrible because I hadn't known about her plans and Friday IS her day with grandma and she apparently missed that there was another appointment and this is the third Friday in a row of her appointments being scheduled on Fridays and I felt terrible about having accidentally been part of ruining Aunt Linda's plans. Especially after I heard about her morning. She told me she NEEDED a drink -- which is something I've never heard her say. So we went for a drink afterward before she went to have dinner with her friend Jeanne.)

Anyway. We were talking about Saturn returns (one of my cousins is going through her first Saturn return and one of my uncles is going through his second Saturn return.) And my aunt didn't ask me about my Saturn return because mine wasn't obvious....  but then, I have Saturn in Scorpio (I had Saturn in Scorpio last life as well) and it's in the 8th house in one of my stelliums -- so I wouldn't EXPECT it to have been anything but secretive.

Do you want to know what I did with my Saturn return back in November 2013? I'll tell you what I did with my Saturn return, but I don't know if you'll find it admirable...... I still think it more than any one person should wield, even someone with a chart like mine.....

So. Humanity has for a long time been driven in the wrong direction stuck in selfish paths and the karmic choices of humanity as a whole caused all of the oldest souls still reincarnating to determine that mankind as a vehicle for karmic cycles and growth was a failed experiment and it had to be terminated for the sake of this planet and all other species and the attempt at incarnations would have to wait to be restarted for another time/place in the Universe. This is a vote that had to be unanimous, and we all came to that conclusion -- even me.

But then, leading up to my Saturn return, I decided that this was fucking unfair. I could accept that us old souls had messed up somehow, too few of us and too standoffish and letting others learn their lessons by seizing power without righting the balance. And I could accept that all the souls in the middle of their incarnations had fallen into selfish venal exploitative patterns and were not growing or following their karmic purifications they required and thus DESERVED to be cancelled due to the choices they made. But what struck me as COMPLETELY unfair was that all of the young souls who were still in their very early incarnations had done NOTHING WRONG. You can't punish someone for what they haven't done and what they don't know yet know. And so I decided that was wrong.  And I managed to convince 2 other ancient souls to dissent with me about this fairness issue.

The problem is, MOST of the world's power is currently being held by the middle aged exploiatative souls refusing to learn and dealing only in personal selfishness. And while the old souls can call grand shifts like ending humanity or paradigm shifts, we don't seize temporal power unless we absolutely must and now is not a time for that.

So on November 8, 2013, I decided, "It's not fair to punish the youngest souls for what they don't know and the negative karma they have not accrued. We also can't give them the reins of judgement while they don't know.... I say we try one last thing to save humanity -- we call for the bringing to light of everything hidden and all the evils and exactly where they will lead. We will bring it all into the light and FORCE every single incarnating soul to look at it and pick a side. EVERYONE must choose -- BUT we will abdicate our own power to choose and guide and the ONLY votes that will get tallied and counted whether the path of healing in compassion is taken or the path of self-annihilation in greed are the choices of those who are within their first 3 lives of incarnating. They are the ones who don't deserve to be punished for the choices they never took part in. If the youngest souls in their first 3 incarnations choose the path of selfishness -- then we end humanity as planned. IF they choose they want to spend their incarnations choosing healing via compassion then we clear space for that choice. Everyone's choices will determine which path is chosen and then there must be a great culling -- because all of those who are middle aged who have chosen the course of selfishness are to be removed from this life and their positions of power/wealth and then they are not to be dealt back into the cycles of incarnation until the paradigm shift of the young souls and the old souls and everyone who chose the path of healing have rewritten the paradigm into something better. And then they can slowly be brought back into the cycles of incarnation, without overwhelming the system to learn what they need to learn to progress their karmic journeys without destroying all life on this planet. .this is not a full abnegation of our power or all the wisdom and karmic lessons we have learned to help guide and teach others for all time -- it is only an abnegation through the time of tearing away the veil, forcing the world to look at all the ugliness an in the fullness of knowledge make their choice.  After the choosing and then the stepping stone path to lead through to the culling and the paradigm shift, then karmic weight and the age of souls will reassert as it was originally designed."

And I got two other ancient souls to see my side and agree to try my completely chaotic last attempt at something just and fair -- giving the youngest souls full knowledge and making them see everything and then asking them to choose.So because the destruction of all humanity as a vehicle of incarnation requires a unanimous vote of all the ancient souls -- our 3 holdouts to try my one last experiment in the name of justice to shift every single future fate line.  When they couldn't end the cycle of incarnations, the other ancients one by one begrudgingly agreed to abdicate their own powers to guide the flows of fate lines and to allow my experiment to play out and see what it got us before the normal order as it was designed reasserted itself.

That's what I did with my Saturn return. I called forth EVERYTHING hidden and evil to be brought into the light and every single soul forced to face it. And then I abdicated the power of all the ancient wise souls and said everyone's choice MATTERS for their own personal karmc journeys/fates but ONLY the choices of souls in their first 3 lives shall determine the fate of humanity and the very paradigmatic fabric of society...... And i convinced 2 other ancients to hold out and agree with me in the name of justice and doing right by these youngest souls and we worked out a fair as possible course and once every one of the ancients said they would allow this last ditch try, it shifted EVERY fate line to force everything into the light.....

And I KNOW it's necessary, for the choice to be made in full knowledge, we're now cramming everything learned across lifetimes into the short time of choosing....  I KNOW everything must be dragged into the light and everyone must be forced to see it and CHOOSE with no pleas of ignorance.... But sometimes, it hurts and it weighs on my conscience that maybe every single one of these crux events of making EVERYONE experience and learn the lessons to make choices in full knowledge -- I wonder if I bear guilt for insisting we must tear away the veil and FORCE all of what was hidden under the politeness of society into the light and FORCE everyone to face it and choose a side..... I called for that, for the bringing it all into the light to be seen for what it is so that the youngest souls could accept or reject and to choose between healing via compassion or self-annihilation via greed. I made the choice to cause that shift and i demanded it of the Universe as the only fair way to decide between the revolution of the paradigm shift or the destruction of the virus/cancer humanity has become that is killing this host.

I still don't now if I chose aright when i changed up all the rules and all the fatelines in the name of fairness and justice and said, "Fuck it. Give them full knowledge of what this current path is and let the youngest souls choose to reject that path and even if it will be fucking hard will fight to open up a way to a new paradigm." But I couldn't bring myself to punish the innocent who hadn't racked up the karmic choices that got us to this fucked up place....   Oh, I know that I stacked the deck by insisting on within their first 3 lives -- they're still so close to spirit as union and as whole not individuated they haven't forgotten/lost their way back to it and they know enough to feel horrified by what middle aged souls cynically accept. And they're young enough to choose "destroy it all and let's build something better" and they don't have the karmic baggage weighing them down of what they need to learn/rectify....

So that's what I did with my Saturn return.... I called everything into the light for a time of choosing rather than condemning without that chance and then I gave up my own powers of choice to guide fatelines and all the rest of the ancients did too so that this could truly be a fair weighing of the souls of humanity......

Did I do right? I don't know. I hope I did. I feel the weight of everything that happens to bring all of the worst of it into the light as my fault -- even if I didn't do it, I called for it to br brought into the light for everyone to see and choose a side.... So i feel I bear some measure of guilt -- though maybe it would have still kept happening but nobody would have known...But there was no other way to be just and do right...

If I live to be 58, just to warn you, I have THREE dates of my second Saturn return 2042/2043.... (I was born the third time Saturn hit that specific astrological point after retrograding back into Scorpio across that point.)  Saturn is going to retrograde through Scorpio again during my second Saturn return and so it's going to hit my Saturn return 3 times during my second Saturn return... Dec 15, May 14, and Sep 12.

Imagine how much trouble I can get into having THREE Saturn returns during my second Saturn return after what I went and did with my first one..... (Let's be real, that's the paradigm reset when my and all the other ancient souls receive back our powers to guide fate lines not just read them.. I know it, you know it... You feel it... 2020 is the year where there is overlap between the time of choosing and the time of culling,it is the last chance to make your choices and pick a side and now is the time of learning your lessons and doing whatever shadow work you avoided while we're in the calm before the storm. (Trust me, we are definitely NOT yet in the storm. This is the time out to think about what you've done and to learn what you were avoiding learning before you're needed to be at your strongest and brightest as the real battle begins.) though enough votes are in and counted of the choosing that we're moving forward with the choice of healing via compassion and the massive revolution and destruction that happens before we get to build anew.... 2042 is when we set the new paradigm.)

Also. At that time, I changed the rules in that.... It used to be that for an unincarnated spirit to assist in cleansing/banishing/destroying a negative/vampiric unincarnated spirit, an incarnated spirit had to invoke/invite/propitiate. But there are too many uncleansed places where darkness breeds and too few of us who CURRENTLY have the training to cleanse it and we can't find them all. I bent the rules a bit to be able to have unincarnated spirits who volunteer on standby as "alread asked" to cleanse a space of all negative unincarnated beings who don't belong and pray on the incarnated by me simply encircling it. It's mae more work for me in actively seeking out and finding places that need cleansings -- but it's safer for me to encircle and mark it then for the direct confrontation and battle of using my body as conduit to the Light and the Universe for me to be the vehicle of it. less chance of me burning out this body by channeling too much power through it. There are older configurations of energy channeling that i remember, but I do not have enough who are trained for me to do it.... And there is a confrontation yet to be had with a very powerful nephilim who snuck in/through when I was 21 or so and who is wandering this world tempting and manipulating and effing things up and has tried to take me out before I grew into my own powers.... He only occasionally tries to find me -- but he's why I hide and protect my own energy signal unless you are near me or have ties to me directly. He is why if you seek me via astral/dream space by seeking out my energy you own't find me -- you can only find me by following your own inner karmic bond to me or by me allowing you in and the goddess agreeing with my judgement.....

Incidentally, the Goddess has always kept a VERY close eye on me and protected and guided me, and I do also have a personal guardian angel and he's quite powerful. But it was AFTER I changed the rules that the hawk god and the raven god started keeping such a close protective watch on me. It is rare to ever find me not under the protection and close watch of The Goddess and the Hawk God since 2013....

I'm a spark of chaotic good and I always serve ma'at -- in my own way.  But even for me, what i did rewriting those rules and demanding the universe bring everything into the light and force people to choose a side once they KNOW is a big fucking deal.... One that almost nobody knows except the ancient scattered souls who have given up their power to guide fatelines while we're navigating this time of choosing and the time of culling.....

Did I do right though?  Was it right of me to demand everything that requires healing be brought into the light,  everyone forced to face it and choose which side they're on,  and then allow the youngest souls with no karmic baggage in making these messes to get to choose the fate lines for the hard path of healing or the easy life path of continued greed?  Did I do right in finding the stepping stone path and saying it wouldn't be fair to condemn the innocents who took no part in the choices that created them without offering them the chance to change?

Well, some nights I wish that this all would end, 'Cause I could use some friends for a change. And some nights I'm scared you'll forget me again, Some nights I always win. I always win. But I still wake up, I still see your ghost. Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh. What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Most nights I don't know anymore....The other night you wouldn't believe the dream, I just had about you and me. I called you up but we'd both agreed, It's for the best you didn't listen. It's for the best we get our distance. Oh. It's for the best you didn't listen. It's for the best we get our distance.

After I'd slept, I realized when I woke up what had brought on that sudden bout of saudade that had me crying and was also, serendipitously, when i started hearing that off and on muffled music within my inner space.

It was after I'd looked through my Facebook memories. And one of them I'd reread was how 2 years ago was when i awoke from the continuation/shift in the recurring polar bear dream that had been plaguing me for most of late 2017 and first half of 2018. (the original dream was the one where the polar bear, the eagle, and the lioness were plucking out their fur/feathers, claws, and teeth/canines to try to fit in with a pod of seals that kept making excuses for why those things were bad for being with seals but was also the three of them intentionally choosing to remove everything that protected them, defined them, and allowed them to eat.  After they leapt in the water, the seals turned on them and savagely attacked them, left scars and the three had nothing to defend themselves after willfully removing their own defenses that were also their defining identity. The eagle was rescued by an albatross whose nest he curled up into. And the lioness got saved when exhausted at the last minute as she was drowning by a dolphin who held her up above water and took her to warmer waters and a distant shore. But the polar bear was dying of hypothermia, all alone. And i was watching all of it from the top of a cliff behind a fairy wrought glamour/barrier that protected my wandering in the woods. In the original dream, I stayed silent and watched the bear die. night after night. He always died when i watched in silence. Finally one night it was too much and I screamed because i was so upset over the polar bear continuously dying of hypothermia and he heard me even though he couldn't see me unless I went beyond the glamour when I'd tell him to get out of the water before he died. He did always hear me if i spoke, though he didn't always listen. Sometimes he used the sound of my screaming to reach shore and sometimes still drowned of hypothermia because he didn't have the energy to believe/trust the scream meant getting out of the cold water he'd jumped into after removing all his fur and claws.  In the original dream, he couldn't get past the fairy glamour, nor could he see me. But he trusted me when I told him to stay right by the border of the wall he couldn't pass, and then I built a fairy fire between us from my side of the glamour to warm us both.  the more times I had the dream and chose to yell at him not to drown, the more consistently the polar bear trusted me and would save himself come to shore -- til eventually he would remember me and swim to shore as soon as he'd realized the mistake he made -- not try to stick it out and nearly die of hypothermia in what should have been his natural home if he hadn't removed his fur to try to fit in with the seals.)

Anyway, May 20 (curiously enough, Dave's birthday) was the day that the polar bear dream finally continued/altered.

(The only editing I did to the screen cap was to erase my last name and erase the names of th epoeple who liked/loved that post on my facebook.)

It was thinking about the polar bear and the polar bear dreams, all of them, and specifically the one I was talking about in the above post that thinned the veil covering the bond to keep it as quiet and inaccessible as possible. It's what brought closer what I've been shutting out. Close enough to hear the music again and know if I just opened the door I closed in August on my side, everything in the bond would be back loud and clear and strong as ever.

That's what triggered my emotions and how close and easy for him to almost reach me it was last night. The reminder like that of the polar bear dreams making me relive that one. I'm in better control again now than I was last night. I just hadn't expected that reminder of how in my vision dream, the polar bear had gotten so upset about being on the wrong side of the glamour that made it so he was unable to reach me or even see me........

[Post Title: Lyrics to the song Some Nights by fun.]

Damnit...  I hate when I can hear phantom music that isn't here...... Like,  it's a long physical distance away, so I only hear it in my inner space not with my ears,  but in my inner space it's like the music is right in the next room and it would be clear as day if I just open the door between the inner spaces.

O.  And,  I didn't talk about Britt or Liz's voice timbre colors last post.... That wasn't a slight,  I've talked about them before.  They're both quite uniquely pretty.  It's just neither of them had anything to do with the differences in color between the two brothers I was talking about how I couldn't imagine ever confusing their voices given I can only hear them with my synesthesia. (sometimes,  my color-timbre synesthesia makes hearing music a Heaven of the most magical beautiful dancing play of light and color I've ever experienced - and sometimes it makes music a living Hell I cannot escape like with country vocal twang, pitchy vocals, and out of tune instruments...)

I can explain more about the colors of the girls voices if you'd like, they really are/were beautiful.  Just not right now - I'm tiiiiired going to bed early after spending the afternoon til sunset working in my garden at work.  And for some reason,  my left eye keeps crying a single tear and it's breaking my heart,  but I don't know what it is or why hitting me that way.... So I'm gonna curl up to sleep instead til this saudade passes.....

Also.  I do miss the color and quality of light in hearing Eric sing....  Even other voices with timbres like light to my synesthesia aren't quite the same,  I've never heard one quite like his before or since.

I know he's always been told he sounds like Ian's voice and people can't tell them apart,  but that's because they're listening for differences in how notes are sustained (and they are similar) not the overtones in their individual timbres.  But I hear timbres as colors due to my synesthesia and voices are quite diversely distinct. Even if they sustain and modulate the same,  the subtleties of timbres make them different color/light/texture patterns to me.   Usually voices of people related are similar in some qualities, it's why blood relative harmonies blend so pleasantly - but they're rarely identically colored timbres because the overtones differ due to physical differences.  Ian's voice is also full of a white light, but there's a green cast in the light and in his lowest notes it's the color of that first earliest chartreuse greening the very tips of the tiniest new tree leaves. Ian's voice may not have the power of his siblings - but it's the only one of the three that inherently evokes colors of life and new growth.

Eric's voice is gold tinged white light, like morning sunbeams during the golden hour after sunrise.  Or like crepuscular rays. It's why his voice works so well both with piano (which is the colors of moonlight on deep water) AND acoustic guitar (backlit greens like sunlit leaves,  though nylon strings or classical guitars or ones with very beautiful upper tones are more golden til some are barely green at all in really high end nylon strung classical Spanish guitars) but Ian's voice works best with the focus on the guitar and only splashes of piano as highlights.

But anyway,  I miss the color of Eric's voice a lot.  And yes I can play it inside my head,  I can replay most timbres in modulations/harmonics I've heard, I don't let myself voluntarily do it since late August 2019 and I try to turn it off or drown it out with other timbres til it stops playing in my head whenever my subconscious raises that ghost of him in my memory.  But I do miss his voice....  Nobody else's timbre has ever sounded so much of morning sunlight in his lowest tones and starlight in his falsetto....  Nobody else.

Dave's timbres are blues and greens, clear and pure as clean water, like light shining through a sapphire in his lowest tones and light through an emerald in his head voice and light through peridot in his highest falsetto nearly outside his range.  Beautiful flawless jewel tones of blues and teals and greens, but it's not the same beauty as morning light beams and starshine....

And I do miss just how enchantingly beautiful and full of light the timbres of Eric's voice..... I wish I could let me listen to it without being overwhelmed drowning in hurt and loss and sorrow,  but I can't yet.  Even his songs I loved best I can't listen to at this time.  I miss them,  but for now they'd just make my hurting worse.

Worth knowing:

Just because I acknowledge how upset and hurt I was and still am over Eric's choices and that sometimes the fact i had to let him go makes me cry, it doesn't mean I've changed at all in my evaluation of the situation or my own choices in response to let him go to pursue whatever it is he seeks for his happiness and that I'm going to heal myself by choosing to accept Dave's love and allow my own love for him to flourish.  I'm still going to choose Dave for my own sake at this time in this life and how intensely uncomplicatedly happy he makes me just by being himself and who he is in this life. And that's 100% a choice made as effect to the consequences of Eric's choices/actions.

That wasn't a one time back in August selling out of his ethics issue. It happens over and over, every time he posts content on the Delta Rae Instagram account while I'm blocked there for having been honest - it's an EVERY time he does it his choices are causing damage to the bond between our souls issue.... EVERY.  FUCKING.  TIME.

and the direct effect of his every Friday choice is the equivalent of him shutting me and Dave in a room just us and locking the door.  Eric's choices regarding putting content exclusively on the Delta Rae Instagram account is literally Eric throwing me into Dave's arms.  Every.  Fucking.  Week.

You need to understand that.

Because part of what made me talk about it at all last night/this morning is the pain inside me EVERY time Eric chooses to double down on his past choices to go live or use in any function the Delta Rae band account on Instagram, from which I was blocked for being honest that the country music was painful enough to my synesthesia for me to not attend any further Delta Rae concerts while country music is any part of the band identity (look it up under blocked accounts if you don't believe me, though I can screen cap what it look s like to me if you want. You'll find infinitefacets listed there as blocked) AND even after the country music was removed as an obstacle Eric chose, of his own free will, to ignore me telling him directly why him  choosing to go live exclusively on the band account WHILE fans had been blocked for being honest was an ethics issue. Anyway, EVERY time he goes live on the band account, it causes me pain. Physical pain. It burns in the bond like fire or acid on your skin or the way anyone with the redhead gene like me feels novocain and lidocain  burning along the nerves....It burns and burns and burns everywhere that those nerves are linked..... And that's how it is along the bond between us EVERY time Eric logs in to the Delta Rae official band account on Instagram, especially when he goes live, with that block still enforced never dealt with - it burns along the bond that way and it hurts inside me as he doubles down on that choice. EVERY fucking Friday, I have to spend the entire afternoon/evening steeling myself against the pain of his choices WITHOUT having any damn idea what the hell he's doing, just knowing that it's become a pattern with him that somehow he's doubling down on the bad choices that are inherently wrong and cruel by him going live on the band's instagram account....

And there's nothing I can do to shut out the pain of his choices. No more than I can turn off the death sight before I take my dog on a walk. Gods-given gifts to priestesses don't work that way. We don't propitiate for them, we don't have rituals to invoke them -- they're just a part of us same as breathing.

And EVERY fucking Friday, whatever it is he's choosing to do on Friday nights, Eric reaffirms in me, after the burning nerve pain inside the bond fades, why I need to let him go  and turn towards the love Dave has for me.  I don't even know what the fuck Eric DOES on the band's Instagram account on Fridays, all I know is how badly it burns and hurts within the bond every time he does it.....

And if I could, if Odin himself (who I still don't trust at all and never will) came to me on a Friday offering to cut out that bond for all time so it could never hurt me again, as he has offered before this, I'd take him up on it to stop the pain of Eric's choices. EVERY. Fucking. Friday....

Also.  Times when I am forcibly reminded how wyrd I am,  all the gifts within me and on both sides of my family,  the separation from Eric becomes harder and I question if Dave CAN accept me as I am.  I know it's not fair without letting him see the gifts decide for himself - but being dazzled by the light in me and the magic I exude isn't the same as accepting the gifts as fact,  y'know?

I mean,  to list some of the more obvious ones:
~Empath
~Telepath
~Broadcaster of my emotions/thoughts so they literally alter the energy of everyone surrounding me
~Precogs (both immutable and contingent)
~Time flow control/flux
~Past Life Memories
~Electrical/wifi/cell signal/lights blowing put/speaker/amp/mic/computer issues when I lose control of my emotions.  Especially when I get angry.
~vision dreams
~shared dream spaces
~wild animals are tame around me
~excessively green thumb
~food multiplies when I cook if I'm cheerful while cooking
~can take away pain and accelerate healing
~the dead seek me out to return them to the light
~I fight noncorporeal unincarnated negative energy entities and clean out malevolent/vampiric spirits who prey on the incarnated
~I can cleanse and bless anywhere that needs it so negative energy or entities may not enter it (I actually won't sleep anywhere I haven't done this)
~I have strong affinities with and get visited by strong old gods and goddesses - with an intensely close relationship with The Goddess
~karma is immediate and exacting in my presence or of anything I observe.  Both good and bad.

And those are just the gifts that I can't easily hide...

And the truth is,  between past life memories of me,  what he's experienced for himself,  what he's observed,  and his willingness to gather more information before deciding something is "impossible" Eric accepting and being capable of loving not fearing all those aspects of me (and likely any children I have) was never problematic.... He's someone I've always known could take me as I am,  all the wyrd gifts in me and all,  and love me qua me without me ever having to hide or downplay any of it..... And that is so fucking rare.  You have no idea how fucking rare that is.... Or how desperately I need it....

It's such a massive part of why I'm so perpetually single - it's not just because I spent so long waiting for Eric to find me this life.  That was part of it,  before things got so fucked up it.  But there's no reason I couldn't have dated to entertain myself while waiting.  I've done it before,  in past lives and in my college years when I decided I should test if I was right about what I wanted for me was waiting on.  I'd rather be comfortably alone than with someone who required me hiding or denying aspects of myself.

As for Dave though,  he doesn't know about all of how I'm wyrd. He is a soul full of kindness and compassion and loyalty - but that's not the same as accepting or being okay with my gifts.  He knows some of them,  all 4 of those Irish boys have called me a fairy child as well as a happy puppy. His brother Martin has unprompted called me an empath, with great affection, both to my face and to other people. They know how my emotions and light affect and transform a crowd - they have straight out told me that no matter how desperately they need merch help , anyone can do that but they want me as close to the stage as possible to work my special magic on the crowd because only I can do that.  Dave has straight out said if it were possible,  they'd want me in the front at every gig to magic transform the crowd to be full of light and joy, not only because it centers and fuels them, but also so every show and every audience could have that experience.

They also know about my synesthesia,  me responding to unverbalized thoughts,  what electronics do if I get too hangry or actively irritated,  and the way plants and animals react to me.

And all these things Dave and his brother Martin and his band brothers Enda & Fergal already accept and love about me.  But. They were all raised Irish Catholic. I don't believe any of them are practicing Catholics, but both Christians who believe in Christ the Savior AND atheists have a hard time accepting everything about me....  My own sister,  an atheist,  sees all spirituality as delusions and except in moments of crisis she sees I'm deadly serious no time to argue and she remembers how my "subconscious intuition" has saved her life before, thinks all my "gifts" to just be delusions,  coincidence, and correlation without causation.

I know that I can't know which of the gifts and aspects of my nature David will accept/love or worse what he might reject til I trust him with my truths and see how he reacts.... It's just,  Eric is one of the only people ever this life outside my family and a handful of close friends/family friends where I never even had to question his acceptance/love of my wyrdness and gifts or have the anxiety of rejection/fear response to my gifts or question,  "what point in dating do you tell someone these things and what's the best way and in what order?"

And despite all the mistakes and messes and fuckups between Eric and me, the release of all that weight from me knowing he'd accept and love all those aspects of me just exactly as I am,  me qua me,  was so freeing and heady.... And right now,  I miss that lack of anxiety about my gifts being accepted so desperately. I miss knowing someone unconditionally loves me and accepts all my gifts, not just the most palatable magic and light in me, in such a whole complete unquestioning unwavering way that I never felt I needed to hide any of my truth from him..... That's so fucking rare.  And I miss it so fucking much.....  And it's not that I know Dave can't love me and my gifts that way - it's just that I don't yet know if he can.

And I always knew Eric could and still does.  Ignoring everything else that's gone awry,  I have always known and he has never once in all our lifetimes (including this one) given me reason to doubt or question his acceptance and love of me in full knowledge of my gifts and wyrder aspects. And that is so priceless beyond measure.... And letting go of that dream of getting to keep and cherish that love/acceptance from Eric of all my aspects has been one of the hardest things of all for me in battling myself to accept and let him go to find the happiness he has chosen for his life....  I have cried myself to sleep over it so many times now and it still guts me makes me curl up in the fetal position and sob over losing that just exactly the same as it hit me in October 2018 when Britt made her choices and acted out on them on the band's instagram account and created this whole fucked up fateline for Eric and me that he chose to follow back in late August 2019..... It never stops hurting.  Loss and grief and letting go never STOP hurting,  you just make yourself go on ignoring the missing piece of you and try to find the joy in what remains in your life......  But it never stops hurting,  you just get used to that hurt and emptiness as being a part of you now.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life

On Weds, The Republican controlled state Supreme Court and Republican controlled state legislature just struck down our state's safer at home order saying the Democratic governor  state health services over-reached in instituting it (though a minority of the Republicans said the over-reach was in the renewal, not the original order) and literally the next night the bars all over the state were packed with no masks and in many of them,  esp in MAGA territories, no social distancing......And the governor and the health services literally have no legal recourse now for passing ordinances to protect the citizenry from this disease or any other after these state Supreme Court decisions.... It's the exact same thing that happened with our primary elections still being held in person -- followed by the mass voter suppression in Milwaukee (where the typical 183 polling places was reduced to 5 for a city of 200k people) and up in Green Bay. Which pissed people off so badly that it actually got democrats out in a primary which is historically rare and so the republicans actually lost that court seat as a direct result.... (state Supreme Court in Wisconsin is a 10 year position voted in, not an executive branch assigned position.)

Dane County, where Madison is, moved quickly to pass county ordinances to maintain the safer at home orders til May 26 when the current orders would expire. So I have a breathing space window of sanity here in Madison. And Madison is "78 square miles surrounded by reality" progressive bastion in the middle of the mostly conservative small towns state -- without college students being back nobody's reopening bars/restaurants here yet outside of curbside pickup, $3 growler fills for charities at local breweries before their beer on tap goes bad, and pop-up beer trucks for curbside pickup in church lots.  The rest of the state? Not so much. The Brown County rules (similar to Dane County) to keep it in effect were struck down by their appellate Court as over-reach after lobbying from the tavern league so Green Bay where they have massive numbers of cases once more has reopened bars/restaurants with no rules. They're already seeing numbers of cases spiking and we haven't even hit the typical incubation periods for the virus....


It's a shit show. And it's even on unilad, making our state and gerrymandered Republican control and the harm it causes the actual laughing stock of the world over this.... And yeah, they're choosing it for themselves -- nobody says just because the restrictions are lifted you HAVE to go out to crowded bars. But Darwinism doesn't work that way. And party town areas and vacation destinations are always going to be filled with people who are stupid and desperate and don't think it could happen to them.

Wisconsin Dells (in Sauk County) has reopened their indoor waterparks and hotels and putt putt golf courses and plan to open all of them for the tourist season after Memorial Day. With no social distancing restrictions or use of masks required (at a water park?! That's as impossible as at the beach if you're going near/in the water) and that means that the FIBs will be coming up like they do every summer and 90/94 takes them right past/through Madison on their way to the Dells.

Despite all the closures/cancellations of concerts, Farmer's Market, music festivals, theater seasons, restaurants/bars remaining closed in Madison proper, etc. so people won't have as many REASONS to stop in Madison, they'll still be going back and forth bringing it right through and they will be stopping often enough for it to be a problem....

And as an empath precog with the death sight among her gifts, existence and consciousness have been difficult these last few days.  Incredibly exhausting, especially on Weds as the fatelines for so many swirled and shifted so rapidly. Weds was hard.... So fucking exhausting.... I went to bed at like 3:30 in the afternoon and just slept through the worst of it, for like 12 hours, because it was draining my energy reserves so fast that literally just trying to stand I was wavering in place unsteady like I was going to keel over.

So far, I've not seen the inner light snuffed out or flickering in anyone in my family and close friends group.... But like I said, my county is still under sane healthcare laws unlike the rest of the state.  And it will be just a matter of time.

This is going to make taking my dog on walks, especially now the weather is getting summery, not only dangerous as too many people are out and about to properly social distance but also painful again the way it was in late March where even grocery shopping or taking the dog out meant encountering people whose life-force was already snuffed out or flickering..... (Snuffed out = past the point where any power can hold body and soul together this life. Flickering means it MAY go out in the next 2-4 weeks, but there are still choices that can be made to prevent it being snuffed out. This happens with many diseases, with travel decisions -- I've literally saved people from death by shifting their timelines for hitting the road leaving me -- and suicide ideations/attempts.) And while having the death sight means I can protect myself and anyone who is with me will listen to me about it to avoid too close contact with them (this is how witches and mediums and everyone with the second sight have always had such high survival rates of plagues, by use of the death sight and by avoiding things that truncate their personal fate line  -- as long as the mobs don't kill us for not getting sick the way everyone else does) even when they're strangers I don't know at all it still HURTS to see people walking about blithely unaware they're going to die and nothing can save them.... And it hurts even worse in times of plague/pandemic to know how many others they're going to kill because of their ignorance, apathy, or selfishness when there are no longer sane rules to mitigate their unknown spread/contact with others.....

And then, dying from covid-19, or even just getting a severe case of it you somehow kick but have longterm health consequences, is NOT a pleasant or easy death.... It's not one I'd wish on anyone.... It's a cruel painful way to go.  Just because you believe in reincarnation and remember your own past lives and shake out past life memories of other people when they're around you, that doesn't mean you believe in torture, pain, and cruelty... Every life must end, same as every death leads to a new life (unless you ascend out of the incarnation cycles) and that's the way it is. No life within the karma-ruled incarnating cycle is infinite, they all have a time limit on the physical body. But there are good deaths and bad deaths, times it's necessary to die and times it's unnecessary....  Covid-19 is a bad death and in the majority of cases it's unnecessary you die by such suffering....

Just because you can see things that are inevitable before they happen doesn't mean you have any power to stop them or change people's choices. Even if you try to warn them, it doesn't mean they'll listen before the window of opportunity to avoid the unnecessary suffering is past... If people listen, then you look crazy as the threat never materializes -- but if you can't shift their choices, then by the time they want to listen it's too late to actually do anything.... It's part of the curse of Cassandra. And it's as much a problem at a socio-political level as it is on the individual level....

It's a hard time to be an empath precog with the death sight..... And all I want is to disappear to a small self-sufficient cabin deep in the woods with a garden and all my books and some fur babies and bee hives and music and be a complete recluse with no going out into the greater world to have to see so many willfully following the piping of the reaper and leading so many others down that same road of unnecessary pain and death..... If I can't save or heal humanity from this sort of stupidity, selfishness, and suffering then I'd like to turn complete hermit witch.....

I don't want to have to be in the middle of humanity bearing witness to all the unnecessary greed driven torturous deaths..... Not while there's nothing I can do to mitigate the suffering....

It's not something I have the means to make reality at this time in this life but that's what I would like more than anything else right now -- if you could just hide me away somewhere self-sufficient in the middle of the woods where I don't have to feel all the suffering all around me as if it were my own and don't need to see the lights all smoldering or flickering in people with my death sight I can't turn off.  It's a terrible time to be an empath precog with the death sight, even if it gives you the means to always save your own skin as long as the ignorant mobs and evangelical Christian zealots don't come after you to burn you this time around.

[post title: lyrics to the Green Day song Good Riddance]

I set to private draft the last post. Not because I minded being forthright about how improbably balanced and focused my chart is or about my stelliums or about having my north node and chiron conjunct in the same 3rd house making me a dragon healer via communication/thoughts/ideas but split across two different signs for some greater nuance as to my karmic path of healing being in Taurus while my wound that needs healing being in Gemini.

None of that bothered me.  It's just that,  well,  there are things beyond natal charts that can be figured out from knowing both a birth time and location and identity theft is real.  Call that my practical Capricorn moon coming out as the moon moved into Capricorn again,  lol.  😉

If you saw it or analyzed my chart,  I don't mind as I've chosen a path of brazen painful honesty with myself and others for this life.  It won't tell you anything about me I wouldn't tell you straight out if you asked me or deserved to be told/reminded. Just please don't use it for malicious things like identity theft,  k?  You really don't want the karma that would heap on you and I really don't want to clean up the mess of it.... Thanks!

*sigh* It's always hardest to shut out the strong pull of Eric's hurting as the full moon approaches.  I don't know why,  I just know is.

I know it's just a little longer til we reach full moon and then it will lessen,  the intensity of the bond pulling my heart strings will wane as the moon wanes.  But tonight he's hurting and all I want to do is wrap my love around him and console that pain he's feeling. In spite of everything. I know it's a bad idea,  with everything so broken and poisoned between us it would be a promise that can't be fulfilled at this time.  But still it's what I always want to do,  whenever I feel how he's hurting inside....

Because I do still love him - despite all the broken trust and pain and letting him go so we can learn our lessons to heal these things that are now broken between us.  Despite all those things,  the love between us is still there,  as strong unwavering as ever.  The love that's there is WHY it hurts so.

And the fact I can't/won't give him the comfort of enfolding him in my love right now,  that just makes the hurt worse... On both of us....but giving in to that desire is a bad idea,  it wouldn't solve anything and could even set back our healing for a momentary relief.  But still I want to ease his hurting. And that feeling is only going to get worse over the next hours.... The full moon is complete at 5:45am. So these next several hours will be the worst.  (til next month)

I said that I wasn't considering Dave as an option for me so long as he was in a relationship with Diana,  same as I wouldn't consider anyone if it involved betraying or lying to another third person. Dating someone else or being in a committed relationship with someone else always makes me remove a person from my dating options....it's how I am. But I don't believe I ever explained why I kept him at such a distance for so long, trying to keep myself out of his options, have I?  I had three reasons, and I do think they were solid reasons not rationalizing. I no longer give any of them enough weight to keep me from being an option for him,  but that doesn't invalidate them as potential barriers or reasons we wouldn't be good together....

1) The age difference - I'm 6.5 years older than him.  While that seemed like a bigger gap when he was 20 and didn't yet know himself or what he wanted for his life,  it's still a sizable age gap by most standards.  And I didn't know if it would bother him,  but honestly I figured he'd have no interest in me with that age gap and would be happier chasing girls his own age and any attraction between us was something he'd stop feeling when he fell in love with someone else closer to his age....

I was disabused of the idea he'd "get over" his desire of me in August at Milwaukee Irishfest. When they had a couple slow dancing to Marry Me Monday onstage before a proposal he'd planned out with the guy,  Diana was standing sidestage/backstage desperately trying to get him to look at her while they were still together - and for that entire song/surprise the ONLY thing Dave was looking at was me, memorizing every nuance of reaction that crossed my face...  That's not a man who gives a damn about the age difference or is in any way getting over his desire....

2) Dave wears a cross and I am not even the littlest bit Christian,  let alone Catholic. I (and any kids I ever have) will be Jewish by birth,  witch by blood right,  and more than a little pantheist pagan from me raising them...  I didn't know if that would be a problem for him or his family - his religious beliefs are between him and The Divine,  but a Christian I'll never be nor would I ever take Communion or have a Catholic wedding or anything of the sort...  And I don't/didn't know if that matters to him.

The cross was a gift from his mother as a child and he wears it all the time like a charm and as a gift from her - but he has very openly said that while raised Catholic,  his religious/spiritual beliefs have evolved since then.  And about 3 years ago when he was getting ready to make a move toward me I deliberately very visibly worn my Star of David with the symbols of the 12 tribes in each triangle (the center hexagon makes 6 triangles,  plus the 6 points) and told him my family is Jewish and I was born in Israel...  And then let him decide what to do with that and how he felt about it.  His reaction was to remind me of how we're the same,  to continue wanting me,  and to become more openly Universalist.

3) The first truth I ever recognized about him,  the very first I set eyes on him,  was that he had an incredibly deep capacity to love and that like a dog he was intensely loyal and would love whoever he gave his heart to in a way that was complete and lifelong.  The second thing was that his capacity to be hurt was as profound and as deep and intense as the way he gives his heart away.  And the third thing I realized was that I had an intense aversion to ever causing him hurt or being any part of destroying such a beautiful capacity for love. And all of that I realized during the verse of a song....

And that third thing has always been my biggest reason to try to keep him at a distance.  In part because I wanted him to figure himself out and what his heart truly desired so I wouldn't break it by accident,  neither of us knowing any better.  But more importantly, I didn't trust myself not to make choices to keep me from breaking his heart... Especially not with my heart being so constantly pulled toward Eric.  I knew I couldn't let myself break Dave's heart,  yet I didn't trust me that if I dated him I'd be able to choose him without my heart being drawn elsewhere.  And I decided I refused to date him or even let him ask me,  until I could trust myself to choose him wholeheartedly and with the same loyalty that is in his love.

And that has only been something I've trusted myself on since Eric's fuckup in August broke my ability to trust Eric - and Dave was still technically dating Diana, or at least at the end of his relationship with her and it was clear to me (and everyone else) from day 1 of them sleeping together that she intended to hang onto him tenaciously and marry him if she had any say in the matter. And I figured Dave's not wanting to hurt her by ending things was stronger in him than his desire of me.... so I just set aside the fact I could now trust myself to love him the way he deserved so I would not break his heart by my own weaknesses.  I accepted it as me having missed my chance with him....


But those were my three reasons to keep him at a distance and remove myself from his dating options regardless of how he felt about me.  And over the last 7.5 years,  Dave has slowly and systematically chiseled through those reasons and worked hard to remove them as barriers between him and what he seems entirely certain he wants.

*sigh* Why is it that parents always excuse the way they used you as their scapegoat for losing their temper by saying, "I don't like the tone you used" when anyone outside of them would objectively say there was no tone until the parents started yelling at them for not getting the response they desired.  The only "tone" was the word no saying they can't have things the way they want to order them to be.  I've seen it happen over and over and over observing parenting with parents who don't control their tempers and lash out on their kids when they can't yell at the person who they're actually angry at and frustrated with.... Parents also get downright verbally abusive against their kids when they use them as a scapegoat for losing their temper and tell them how irresponsible and bad they are and refuse to listen to any defense -- because all they want to do is hurt you because they're stressed out and hurting. And I hate when parents do that, it's wrong and if I ever have kids I hope I never fall into that trap that so many parents fall into for how they treat their kids as their whipping boy when they can't carry any longer their anger/frustration at something else. it's wrong. It's always wrong. And you damage your kids when you do it -- no matter how they learn to cope with them, every time you have ever done that is traumatic on them.

My parents definitely did that tonight. And I know they just needed to release their temper, but it doesn't make it right or okay. And by doing that, they've made me now NOT want to do what I was already planning to do because the way they tried to authoritarian force me to do it makes me not want to reward their bad behavior.

I understand they're stressed and I know the reasons why -- but taking it out by losing your temper on someone else and blaming everyone else isn't how you deal with it. It's not right, it's not fair, dn you shouldn't reward temper tantrums by doing what they demand of you -- no matter whose temper tantrum it is.

The problem is if I don't do what I was already planning to do, my grandma suffers and I don't help her. But if I do it now, my parents will think their bad behavior is what made me do it. And that's a problem. And now I'm stuck in the middle of it and frankly, the way they behaved tonight makes me contrary and not want to do it.  You could literally be telling me something for my own good as I'm about to do it but if you lose your temper or think you can order me to do it, I'll cease to want to do it simply because of how you have behaved.....

*sigh*

There's a lot of family drama right now..... And my parents heavy handed ways of "dealing with it" by assuming they know what's best done and trying to ramrod that down other people to do are making things worse -- with everyone not just me.  And by freaking out on me like that, they now have made me not even want to call my grandma or help her, let alone do the things I have to do right now for her sake before I lose my windows of opportunity to help her.... And that's a big fucking problem.....

While I was still upset about it, i was going to send a message to Dave to gripe. but I realized it wasn't because I expected him to do anything that would help me right now and I didn't want to lay the entirety of what's been going on (with my grandma, with my Aunt Linda, with my Uncle Steve subplots) to weigh him down with it if he didn't tell me he wanted to know-- I wanted to tell him about me being so upset after that interaction because I wanted to be heard by someone who would care that I hurt rather than to explain it all to him why i was upset and why it happened without him telling me he wanted to help carry all of it.... And I decided that wasn't fair to him, to just emotional dump on him without him saying he wanted to know -- so I decided instead just to thank him for always bringing a smile to me even when I'm upset upset about something else and just leave it there.

I'll get over it. I do every time they do this. But it's what makes me freeze up, remove my emotions because responding emotionally only makes it worse (especially with my mother), and I get cautious and simply tell people, "I don't know what you want to hear but nothing I say will make you happy in this mood unless you tell me what it is you want to hear" when people lash out to hurt others because they're hurting -- it's due to the way my parents behave when they use their kids (typically the eldest) as the scapegoat for their anger/frustration when they can't vent it on the people they're actually mad at.....  I rewatched Martin's Mando Monday livestream to recenter me before taking care of my plants I came into work to water. There's something very calming and emotionally soothing about the way Martin speaks and how he interacts with the world, I understand why Dave turns to his brother when he's hurting, and I needed to clear myself of all negativity before I approached the plants to care for them. You should never try to take care of your plants if you have anger or deep sorrow inside you -- they feel it and you'll stunt or kill them if you blast them with your bad inner space. Plants are VERY sensitive to energies.... You only approach them when you're in a positive nurturing inner space.

And I'll figure out which is the worse evil -- letting my parents think they've gotten what they wanted by their display of temper or taking care of my grandma   Most likely what will happen is that I'll take care of my grandma because this isn't her fault or any of her doing and I won't punish her for their bad behavior but I'll emotionally distance myself from my parents and as much as possible avoid seeing them in person. I'll never receive an apology form them, they don't apologize when they do this. Not ever. My dad won't care if I retreat from them emotionally as long as I end up doing what he wants me to do and my mom will feel bad about it be hurt at feeling that emotional wall and distance but rather than admit they did something wrong or apologize she'll try to buy me off by doing extra nice things for me while I remain emotionally distant unreachable until she self-justifies that I'm ungrateful of everything she does for me because she's upset that she can't reach my affection and love by demanding it or ordering me around or lashing out at me when she's angry at someone/something else.

That's how it typically goes. And why I have no patience for people who refuse to acknowledge when they hurt other people, refuse to try to make right the ACTUAL wrong they've done and why I have no patience with people who will lash out at others if they can't reach whoever they're actually angry with and don't get their way and rationalize their behavior after the fact. I have no desire for any of those behaviors in my life -- all it will do is make me shut you out from you being able to reach my heart or touch my emotions at all.... It doesn't matter your relationship to me, you'll alienate me so i won't let you in where you can hurt me by behaving that way. Always.

I've written a lot about why I need to let Eric go, but the truth is that's me putting into words the emotions that I've already processed, it's what all I had processed 6-10 months ago. It's not where I am now.  I just have wanted to explain because I can feel his hurting inside over it.  And that's a disservice, makes it seem like I'm still processing when I'm not.

The fullest truth is, I started distancing myself from Eric internally the first time when he was dating the scorpion chick in Raleigh because her energy was BAD so I didn't want it to have a conduit into me and I certainly didn't want the overlays from him of all his strong emotion moments. and then I made myself do the hardest part of letting go and saying my internal goodbyes, "I hope you find the happiness you're seeking on the path you've chosen" beginning on the DAY he signed the contract with Big Machine because I couldn't stay with the trying to sell out to country radio as any part of the band's esse.  And when his sister blocked me on her own account and the next day I was blocked on the band's Instagram account in October 2018? My response was just to shove him out and quiet the connection and distance myself as far as possible because I refused to put him in the middle of his sister's bullshit since that wouldn't be fair for him. And it stayed that way til I decided it was unfair to him to punish him over something done in his name that he may know nothing about.  So I came back to him Spring of 2019 specifically so he could know about me getting blocked and decide what he'd do with that knowledge.

Eric's choice in August 2019 was the last straw, not the entirety of the load I was bearing about making myself accept letting him go and the necessity of weakening the bond rather than strengthening it.  I've had very little but hurt from my connection to Eric for so long and have been working so long on letting him go and recognizing the necessity of our paths separating that I don't even remember what Eric making me happy would even look like anymore...it's been so long since he and his sister and their band have been anything but a source of sorrow and hurt to me. There's still healing I need to do from the hurts of it, especially before I can let Delta Rae's music back into my life and my emotional response system. Precogging hurt and warning somebody how it can be avoided and them doing it anyway won't take the sting out of their choices or heal the hurting that follows cause and effect -- the precogs just start the hurting and processing earlier and give you the chance to try to fight it knowing you'll likely still lose anyway.....

I can't say I like it,  but I have accepted it.  The time for changing the course and healing with Eric was last fall, or better yet in Nov of 2018 -- and it would have been so easy to do then.... Now it's processed and accepted and there's only the cleanup of the consequences of the choices that were and weren't made  But it's rare for me to even think about him or them at this point -- that's why it was 2 weeks or more without me writing anything, just enjoying how much Dave was throwing at me and into trying to turn my head in his direction.

But explaining how we got to here isn't really telling you about the current state of my heart. And the current state of my heart is full of love and hope - and these hurts that I can finally put fully into words are not a part of any of that.

Where I am emotionally at is pretty well and truly comfortably decided that as long as David does actually want me he's what I want for myself this life. I'm very emotionally clear and happy and excited and feeling like good things are just around the corner on this.

There is no doubt and no question in my mind that I am consciously choosing Dave and I'm happy with that choice and that it's what is in the best interest of my own heart and soul and my path of growth and healing at this point -- and that even if Eric were to try to make himself an option again, I wouldn't want him while I could be with Dave because I love Dave, wouldn't ever want to hurt him, and I can't trust based on my experiences that Eric wouldn't hurt me. Especially Eric under the influence of his sister. And the truth is that I wouldn't choose Eric being in my life in any capacity at this point without being able to trust that. This isn't settling or second best or any such thing,  this is my honest choice based on who both men have chosen to be in the time they have been in my life this life and what they have done by me when I trusted them enough to let them in my heart.  If I could have either right now, I'd still choose Dave based on everything I've observed and all the choices both of them have made and how they make me feel and have treated me.

I know that I light up inside and start grinning every time I see Dave or think about him or hear from him. I know I miss him every time I don't see him or hear from him, even if he's happy and doing well and busy, I just miss him and the joy he brings me when I do get to see him or anything from him. I know that there is NOBODY else I have ever had the intense internal response, "I don't want to break your heart and as long as I might, you're better off me keeping you at a distance ." I know that when i think of people I don't mind knowing about my weakness(es) or my hurt or what I'm worrying about internally, Dave is right at the top of the list. I know that when I think of people who make me feel safe and loved and who I have no problem turning to for comfort and getting it, Dave is again at the very top of that list. And I've learned over the last year or two that the way he lights up and the joy I always associate with him isn't his all the time thing -- it's how he is when I'm there and I see him.

On my bad overthinking pessimistic days, I genuinely question why he'd want me, I secondguess and think all the hints and things he keeps saying and doing must be about wanting Diana back or about some other girl. And that makes me think I should back off, stop being so enthusiastic positive in my responses and just be happy for him to have the happiness he seeks wherever he finds it. But except when I get low like that, I KNOW that that's not where his heart or head are at and that he's  quite certain about what he wants and that I'm it for him.  And I know that he does need the positivity and encouragement from me to allay his own self doubts and crises of self-confidence.

On May 1, the band released this cover for "It's Gonna Be May" day. and it was Dave's brain child and project and his editing choices. It makes me ridiculously happy and I keep getting it stuck in my head -- as in it's been in my head quite constantly pretty much every moment of the day for the last several days. (And his midnight post and countdown to the 10am sharing it was fucking adorable. He was so excited and giddy and happy.)

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You don't want to know how many times I've rewatched this over the last several days because it's been stuck in my head so constantly and watching it makes me grin.

So I may be writing out here what I processed, but it's not the current state of my heart. I've accepted that letting go is the best thing for me to do at this time and other than when Eric's hurting/sorrow overwhelms my walls, I don't hear him and he doesn't hear me or reach me at all anymore. And I don't miss the hurting inside me and open wound he was inside me for so long.  I want something good and true and overflowing with light and love - and that's not what Eric is for me now due to his choices these recent years.

As for Dave... Oh he makes me so giddy and happy right now and I'm ready to embrace that joy and comfort and healing he is for me. And outside of my crises of doubts that maybe I'm setting myself up for heartache and that's not how he thinks of me at all or what he wants, I'm just really happy and hopeful and the direction that is moving has me lifted above everything else going on in this moment of history. He brings me light and joy and comfort and love and I've decided to lean into that as what I want more of in my life.

If I close my eyes and think of whose arms I want to feel around me, especially when I'm upset, the answer at this point of this life is Dave. he comforts me and there is no hurting there -- the closest thing to hurting is if/when one or the other of us doubts the other wants us. And that's not really hurting, that's just self doubt and lacking confidence in yourself because you can't see the evidence right in front of your face that everyone else sees. So no hurt in me from Dave. Not in this life. there's only love.  And that's what I'm choosing. To love where I am loved, well and truly loved as I am on my best and worst moments. And where I'm listened to and my own emotions considered and taken into account in his choices/actions. And for this life and where I'm at right now, that's enough and more than enough.

Nothing like family drama heaped upon family drama on Beltane....  😂  Ahhh well,  I did what I had to do to smooth things over and spin them brighter and best.  A Dani always shows up precisely when she's meant to.

And everything is so much brighter and better now for me having been there and doing what I did!!  And now I have gardening to do in my bright blue with yellow print half sunflower "Turn Toward The Love" We Banjo 3 shirt until it's Moscow Mule o'clock at work.  😘

I did good (and well)  and now I'm gonna go play in the dirt and then make tasty cocktails at work!  😁