I don't remember anymore why I clicked the little plus button and sat down to write this.  I'm sure I had a reason, but coming back to find this screen open and blank page on my phone, I have no fucking idea what prompted it in me ... 

And. I don't know if it's the hour or the strong breath of the winds in the trees (and who said "everything can start the move into Gemini, the first of the air signs, and twelcome the coming full moon by ushering in tonight in the Midwest with tornadoes and 80mph wind gusts and rain bursts with hail like the times I've lived through tropical storms in visits to Florida, Texas, and Hawaii" tonight? I spent several hours tonight in my car in the underground garage with the cat in the passenger seat and the dog in the back seat reading my book with my phone battery dwindling and no cell signal, intermittently turning on the car for am radio weather updates or opening the door to perk into outside chaos get some cell signal to check Doppler radar visuals waiting for the storms to pass) or the whiskey (well scotch, Highland Park Spirit of the Bear) or something turning in my heart like a key and turning over soil for new seeds.

But all I know right now, at 4am having just finished my fantasy novel and both my cuppa tea and my tuath of whiskey empty and listening to the rush of the wind in the trees, is that all I want is all I've ever wanted and that is to wrap my arms around Eric and ask him if he would build this life with me regardless any damn thing else and it's okay if we figure it out as we go but all I want and ever have wanted of it is to build it with him, together the both of us. 

Because. I may not know HOW we get there and I may betimes doubt him in the uncertainty of not knowing what it is he would choose for himself, but I know crystal clear that it's WHAT I want and there's very little else the world as it is now has to offer my soul that tempts it to stay in the incarnations and the battles for it which my souls desires other then my desire to build a life with him in it, if that's what he would choose. I'll be honest, I do t much care what that life looks like (though obvs I have my preferences) so long as he's in it and we build it together. 

Imma go pee and put this book in the stack for reshelving and the. Make another cuppa tea. At some point I'll make breakfast with the sunrise (of visible) and then drop the dog off to go meet Sarah and Mikaela at Fitchburg Farms for flowers (or we can do it another day) now that these hazardous storms have passed through hat and me too worried to put in new seeds or seedlings over the weekend as I had initially planned. I do need to text Sarah to tell her FF opens at 9am not 8am ask her if she still wants to join us or if I should pickup Mikaela go without Sarah so she can get to work for when it opens. On verra. I'll wait til 7ish though to text her. Because 4am remains too early on normal people ideas of time. 

But also. Unrelated to shopping for flowers and herbs, be it in a handful of hours or on some other day, I would very much like to wrap my arms around him and tell him, "I love you. I'm so glad you're here. Can we build a home together now?" And sometimes, especially late at night in the predawn, I wonder why the fuck it's been so hard to get there... And this is one of those witching hours turning to predawns where I don't understand how and why this has been so very hard to get to from where we are to that point....