Last night after I got into all that over thinking "but I don't actually see how to work around this and I can't make it go away and if we just pretend it isn't there it still affects lots of other things" all I got all night down the bond was just really intense love and this sense of... "But that's not going to happen this time. This time is different. I'm not distracted, I'm very focused. And we've both learned why that doesn't work for us. It'll be alright this time. You'll see. Trust me." And curiously, I went to sleep with just that sense of trust and that everything would be alright somehow. And that sense of peace and being held in love and trust that actually this time won't be that same pattern playing out again. Which I wasn't expecting but made me quite happy. I bring it up because my third eye just exploded wide open with that same set of emotions down the bond all over again. And it was so incredibly strong all last night and this morning, especially from like midnight on and again at like 7am til 10am

And. Maybe there is a way through it that I haven't seen (yet) because everyone has some blinders on their subjective views, we all do. And so maybe I should just give it a wait and give it a chance and not be so quick to wash my hands walk away because I can't see a way to work around it. Maybe I'm just all in my head overthinking self-sabotaging what I want by telling myself I don't see how it works. Maybe I should just calm down a bit and relax and trust and wait. (I'm not very good at patience though better than some, best I can do is get adhd distracted so time disappears rather than fixating on the waiting clock watching, lol.)

Because, honestly, from my perspective, the only blocks that I see between us are the ones his sister created in October 2018 and the fear that he might want "not me" rather than me. That's it as far as I'm concerned. It's a short list. And maybe it's not such an insurmountable list as it seems to me. Maybe I'm just too close to it and so I can't see how easy the way around these seeming blocks actually is.  And maybe me thinking it a block is the only thing that makes it a block -- sometimes people are messy. But his sisters choices and actions shouldn't be paid for by the paths they block him from reaching... and that's what I'm doing when I say that the block is insurmountable and I ought to remove myself from his options for his sake. And that's not right to ask him to pay for her choices and her actions, y'know?

I actually don't have anything else to share right now except my March/April book list, and I'll do that as a separate post. I'm mostly just feeling a bit quiet inside and outside.  Mildly annoyed that I ran out of protective spray for my new shoes now that today is FINALLY neither rainy nor super windy and still have one more pair to spray and with the more rains coming up I wanted to get all the spraying done today. Not seriously annoyed, just that "I wanted to get this off my mental to do list load so I can wear them once the weather finishes turning." Ah well, I guess I'll just have to pickup some more all weather spray  before that happens. Not the end of the world, just a mild irritation. As for the rest of the week, after tonight I'll be Tomorrow late afternoon, my da and Uncle Jeff are coming over to switch the hinges on my new fridge so it opens the opposite way. And then Thurs I have my dentist cleaning. Friday Crissy is planning to come over for drinks and then I'm going to head over to my parents house for dinner and for my mum and I to finish catching up on figure skating. (Probably finishing it, I think. Don't actually know how much we still have from worlds. On verra.)  Saturday is dinner and the last symphony date of the season. Then Sunday afternoon is the memorial for Brian Mosley and I'll be the one transporting my grandma who wants to go.

I was sitting at like 27.5 hours in last night because I came in over the weekend and was thinking I might go watch figure skating with my maman tonight but she wanted to watch the Bucks game so we said Friday. I will have to do the end of month deposit tomorrow night anyway and I'll have to come back for the doggo after my Thursday dentist appointment. Not entirely certain how/why I managed this, but I'm already over 30 hours in of work with the time I've been in office this evening so we'll see about how the rest of the week plays out if I don't actually need to get hours in. Maybe Thurs night I'll just head home if I end up getting more than enough hours in tomorrow night. Or maybe I'll had home early tonight and go home to curl up and read... On verra

Anyway. That was it. Just wanted to be honest about that reaction down the bond and how it affected me and calmed me down off that overthinking ledge in the last post. I don't actually have much at all other than that right now. Just normal quotidian daily living things, nothing super interesting. And the book list has all the books I've finished and bought over the last couple months. But that's a separate post because it felt weird to tack this onto the start of that one, lol

Happy Beltane Eve and halfway to Halloween!!! I wore my Goosebumps haunted house tee because halfway to Halloween, lol. But with bright flower colored tie dye cardigan because Beltane Eve.