When the morning comes, When we see what we've become, In the cold light of day we're a flame in the wind, Not the fire that we've begun. Every argument, every word we can't take back. 'Cause with all that has happened, I think that we both know the way that this story ends. Then only for a minute, I want to change my mind. 'Cause this just don't feel right to me. I wanna raise your spirits. I want to see you smile, but, Know that means I'll have to leave. Know that means I'll have to leave. Lately, I've been, I've been thinking, I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier.

 Look, I don't have any way to sugar coat this and it hasn't changed no matter how much time has passed and it doesn't heal in the silence of burying it pretending it didn't happen -- it just scars over crooked like a broken bone that never got reset. You can have all the optimism in the world, but if you don't deal with the root cause and set the broken bones properly  (even if it means surgically rebreaking it) you won't remove the pain caused by the crookedness of pretending it wasn't broken and there won't be a way to heal from the past choices and how they reverberate to affect the present and the future.  I recognize there's nothing my choices can do to reset this old break other than to choose to respect the bond and try to behave as if what's on the other side of the boundary does not exist -- but I also recognize it's fucking shattered toxic as a result of the girls choices and the dynamic is healing awry in ways that cause pain render things unuseable and the longer it isn't faced or dealt with the harder it will get as it ossifies to ever reset it make it useable or not a source of pain. 

I am generally a person who is far more interested in figuring out how to make things better for the future than playing the blame game about who did what that got us here, but in this very particular case, there is no path to healing without other people acknowledging, taking responsibility, and accountability for their choices and what those choices created. And if that sounds like blame, I'm sorry. But I don't see how to heal things and set the broken pieces PROPERLY to heal without acknowledging how we got here and who chose to do what in the past and how they are or are not willing to change their choices moving forward -- as long as they are defensively ghosting anything to do with their past choices and the repercussions of them, there is no way to heal what was broken by those choices. Like, you can't set a shattered femur if you refuse to acknowledge that when the horse spooked and kicked it they shattered the bone. Denying the horse kicked and as a result the bone got shattered won't get you to any sort of future where the damn bone gets set properly so it can heal. Now you can say the horse kicked BECAUSE it spooked and then figure out how to keep it from spooking in the future and that's certainly something to pursue -- but you ain't ever going to fix the shattered femur so it can heal without acknowledging that the horse kicked it so hard at an angle that it broke displaced the bone.

So I am going to be VERY clear about my experience of what happened and where I stand on it and what I consider is and isn't within my power to change and what you can and should expect of me -- and what you should NOT expect of me without the root source being acknowledged and dealt with. Because as far as I am concerned, Liz, Britt, and Delta Rae as a collective do not exist at all as the only way I can respect the boundaries imposed on me by the choices made in their name on their social media and as a result I do not listen to anything the band ever created or ever will create together or anything that involves the girls. If I bumped into the girls on the street or we were invited to the same space by a mutual, I would be very distant polite but there would be no warmth or admiration or love or connection from me toward them and I would extricate myself as quickly as possible so I could do my best to once more forget the interaction and anything we discussed and that they exist at all in compliance with the boundaries they created and what their ghosting me trying to bring it up and talk about it and heal things.  This can't be bridged except by making them acknowledge and own up to their past choices rather than being defensive about what they did and why they did it -- and without that none of the three accounts that blocked me in 2018 will exist in my subjective world no matter what they do or how much they try to "notice me notice me" behaviors. They burned those bridges the day they hit block, whatever their reasons for it, and you shouldn't expect from me anything but a very literal logical extension of their choices and their boundaries into everything they do or touch or are involved in. And that includes the band as a collective since the day someone hit block on the band account in Oct 2018 and then when I tried to bring it up when they went indie, rather than talking about it or checking the "blocked accounts" on the band's account, they just ghosted my every attempt but liked the victim blaming attacks on me from some of their diehards.  It doesn't matter when the song was written and when it's from -- if it's from the collective or was recorded/played by the collective, I won't listen to it or have a positive reaction to it and it does not and will not exist to me for as long as I am blocked on the band's instagram account. Period. No matter how much I loved it beforehand or how much I should/could/would love it or how deeply it should resonate with me, it ceased to exist to me on Oct 2018. And it will continue not existing to me  as long as the boundary exists of me being blocked on the band's instagram account and that statement existing in the band's name of not wishing to exist to me.

And this set of choices the girls made and have defensively stood behind when I have tried to bring it up is what made me decide that it was wrong to put Eric in the middle of this so I was letting him go and cutting ties and rendering the bond inaccessible/dormant and truncating the fatelines where our life paths come together to protect him from being caught in the middle of this dynamic created by the girl's choices and behaviors in their own name and in the collective band name. I chose for him without asking him what he wanted that I didn't think it right by him to have him caught in the middle of this petty female bullying dynamic that Liz and Britt created and so I was bowing out leaving him so he could hang onto the people and things his entire life was built around. I still think that's the best option by him. I know he disagrees and he has fought me to cling to the bond and is very stubborn that me removing myself from his options isn't what he wants or what is healthy for either of us, but I don't see how to square the circle and make it work given the choices of the girls. I don't blame him for this happening and I don't LIKE that the persons hurt deepest by third party choices aren't even the ones who made those choices, but to refrain from getting angry at him for reminding me this exists is why I won't follow him again on insta and why I didn't look into hosting any shows on his Too Late tour and I don't currently intend to pursue seeing if I can attend the shows driveably close to me.  There's just too much about the way he's laid it out, songs he's likely to include that were from the band, the likely hosts, and the likely attendees that are tied to the diehards and Delta Rae which doesn't exist to me anymore and won't for as long as I am blocked by their official account.  

I WANT a future path together with him and I WANT to strengthen and nurture the bond and I WANT everything it could be for both of us. But that doesn't happen by treating this obstacle in our connection as if it never happened and doesn't exist. because that sort of shaky ass foundation will collapse and cause us both more hurt in the future if we try to pretend this isn't something blocking us. It hurts to move closer and then have to pull back again, it hurts worse to soften and then harden up have to cut him out of me again than just the numbing pain you can grow accustomed to of accepting the absence where he has been and should be. It removes joy and meaning and hope and desaturates the world to behave that way, but it hurts more to let him back in and then have to cut it off again. And I cannot promise you that when he starts his tour this Friday, I won't decide that's a good distraction for him to give him a sense of fulfillment and joy so he won't notice me pulling away attenuating the bond before putting it to sleep and removing myself form his options so he won't be confronted caught in the middle of the consequences of choices his sister and chosen band family made for him starting in 2018.  I can't promise you I won't do that because it's exactly the pattern I've followed before and I know that it is logically the best realpolitik real world solution to this impasse for moving forward even if both our souls irrationally fight it and it kills something in the both of us to try to deny or put to sleep the bond. So I will not promise I won't do it, best I can promise is I won't given in to that way of thinking/behaving without a fight but to know it's not a fight I can win on my own given the circumstances of how much central to his life has ostracized me from having anything to do with them.

There is currently still no way for me not to pull away from him in hurt EVERY time he does anything that involves his sister, his friend Liz, or the band as a collective. The best I can do is treat them as if they don't exist which is what the boundaries the girls created in 2018 asks of me -- to remind me they exist is to cause the hurt and rejection and injustice of their "you can't sit with us" ostracism headgames choices to hit all over again. So there is quite literally NOTHING he can do that involves either of the girls or that involves the band as a collective that I won't react that way if reminded they exist. Not until the day the choices the girls made is acknowledged and dealt with and I'm allowed to have those three that blocked me to exist to me without me breaking a boundary of someone else's making. That's just how it is for me based on the choices the girls made in their own name AND in the name of the collective band account itself AND the defensive choices to ghost the fact it ever even occurred any time it's brought up while never dealing with what happened itself. And it means that EVERY time he does or even says anything involving Liz, Britt, or Delta Rae, I pull away and WILL pull away for as long as the block and the ostracism exists and isn't acknowledged so it can heal.

And that's why I decided that it's unfair to have him caught in the middle the one paying the price for the girls choices and the most logical way to keep that from happening was to remove myself from his life options and to put the bond to sleep keep him from reaching me even in the 5d because there's no way for him to not be caught in the middle as long as the girl bullying behaviors of ostracism and blocking so as not to exist to me continue. If I can't sit with you at your table, I won't ask him to choose between us, I'll choose for him that he can't reach me or find me so he doesn't have to choose who he prefers to sit with. And I will do it all over again now and every time you try to make him a pawn in your girl bullying behavior patterns. (And if you don't understand how girl bullying works, because you're not a girl or never identified the behavioral patterns for what they are, and why I accuse Liz, Britt, and some of the diehards in engaging in the behavior patterns of female bullying via ostracism, I HIGHLY recommend the book Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (the updated/revised version) to understand how it works and why some girls engage in those sorts of games with other girls and why it's always toxic and nobody actually wins even the one who feels she "won" and queen bee got everything she wanted from creating the power conflict.)

My solution is not to engage in the behaviors and to respect the boundary the girls chose AND they chose for the guys in the ENTIRE band's name the moment someone hit "block" on me from the band's instagram account by treating them as if they literally do not exist to me. And they are not in my social group, they do not live anywhere near me, they do not cross my path, the ONLY thing that reminds any tie between me and the band and thus to the girls is Eric because of the nature of the bond between us -- and I will choose to hurt myself and him by gnawing my own damn leg off to get out of the trap and deciding there is no future where our fatelines come together and I will choose not take the opportunities he creates to try to build something together before I let him be used as a pawn to hurt me by being involved in their power dynamic ostracism driven headgames and bullying. If you don't want to sit with me, that's fine and you can make that choice, but know that one of the consequences of that choice and not facing it IS that I will reject him and reject/make dormant the bond and push him away to consign both him and me to the places where our souls die a bit so life loses meaning he can't reach me even in the 5d via the bond rather than have him be manipulated as someone's pawn in the female bullying games of "you can't sit with us." My answer is "Fine, I don't want to sit with you or anyone who would accept and condone such behavior patterns" no matter who that means I walk away from -- we're fucking adults and this isn't middle school, I don't have to sit with you or even let you exist in my world if you choose to behave that way. And you will receive no warmth or admiration or love or even respect from me for ANYTHING you do or are involved in as long as you're going to play these sorts of ostracism games. And that includes cutting him out when he becomes the remaining bridge bringing your existence back into my world.

Your choices are to acknowledge this, let's face it and heal it together to move forward OR you keep ghosting it defensively denying it pretending it didn't happen and I will respect that erase you from existing in my world. I don't know that there's a path forward where he can find the balance have both in his life given the bullying games of ostracism and my decision that if y'all won't acknowledge or deal with it then I will take the boundary at its most literal and apply it in all ways. I don't see a path for him to navigate that, certainly not one where he isn't the one hurt the deepest by his sister's choices in the band's name. Which is why I tell you that you can choose between those two choices for how to deal with the fact that her choices/actions DID happen in 2018 and continue to create ripples in the ghosting never acknowledging or communicating or dealing with it at least in the band's name  But none of us can turn back the clock and undo what she did and I can't force her or anyone else to face what she did and the consequences of it for the collective in whose name it occurred. My solution is that I can't change other people's choices so I will remove myself from his options and from his reach and from his future because if I don't he ends up caught in the middle hurt deepest by his sister's power control games she created and chooses to maintain. And I CAN promise you that as far as I am concerned NOTHING he creates with the band as a collective will exist to me as long as the ostracism of the block exists rather than have him caught in the middle. It doesn't matter the subject matter, it doesn't matter if it was written BEFORE the 2018 choices made in the band's name that erased the band and everything it ever created/creates from existing to me, it doesn't matter how EVERY aspect of it OUGHT to appeal to me. It won't reach me and if I do hear it I will do my best to erase it from my memory as quickly as possible never listen to it again by choice in order to meet the letter of the ostracism block that was created in the name of the collective and is maintained in their name to this very moment.

It's your move, but don't expect anything else from me other than trying to treat you as non existing if you do anything that involves what decided to play stupid girl bullying power tripping mind games and thus wishes not to exist to me. Be careful what you wish for because you will get it EXACTLY as you wished for it including the repercussions you didn't foresee when you're dealing with someone as powerfully fey and hand of Ma'at karmic justice like me. In the name of truth and justice and karmic balance, I will give you EXACTLY what you chose and wished for until you're ready to choose differently. 

I WANT to open up to him and welcome him in and choose each other  and strengthen the bond between us and find a path forward that takes us to where we want to be and I DEFINITELY want to stop repeating old toxic cycles -- but I don't see the way to do that from here without facing the current blocks put on the connection as a result of the choices made in the entire band's name and the centrality of the band to his entire life he has built around it as his major purpose in this life. I don't know how to let him in and see where it takes us without acknowledging this block toward that connection going anywhere that EXISTS even now.

I'm not here to lie to you, not even to keep the peace. You will get my honesty or you can't have me. I will help you find a way to heal and lay out your options or ask you questions that help you find the way -- but we have to start with basic honesty not trying to lie to me or yourself or anyone else about what happened that got us here. And if you can't handle that sort of self-examination and honesty with self and others, I will walk away spend my energy and love and time with those who can. Do not doubt me that I will walk away from anyone and everything that can't have that level of integrity because that lack of integrity will just lead to greater hurt if you pretend it's there and it isn't. Mistakes happen and everybody fucks up sometimes, especially when emotions short circuit into reactionary knee jerk behaviors, but defensively standing behind the past actions because they were yours and you refuse to admit you could ever do wrong and failure to acknowledge and face them will bite you in the ass do far more damage than the initial acting out if you had just acknowledged it, dealt with it and moved forward in healthy not toxic patterns.

And that's why I can't promise you I won't try my pulling away disappearing act from him again while he's busy. I don't know what story it is he has to tell or what fulfillment and growth he's hoping for this tour to bring him, but I do know that he's excited by it and distracted same as starting a new relationship -- and that means that if I have to slip away for him to have the happiness he chooses for himself, this is the sort of timing where I would if I follow my patterns that started as cause and effect in 2018 due to the girl bullying ostracism behaviors of blocking and how/why it happened and the ghosting at trying to bring it up... And I can't say I currently see my options as being any fucking different than they were the last time he was sufficiently happy and distracted so I decided to repeat the pattern slip away from him and his options and quiet the bond til I could render it dormant because he's too busy to notice me doing it. And I do know he's so excited and focused and full of hope and optimism right now and I don't want to steal any of that from him and I truly hope this tour of his takes him to the happiness he's seeking and choosing for himself, I genuinely want that for him. I just don't see it leading him toward me or deepening the connection between us or any path to taking the steps toward setting the shattered bone so it can heal in a more functional way with less pain/difficulties. 

Maybe I'm wrong.... the possibility I'm wrong headed and could cause a LOT of unnecessary pain if I am is what's staying my hand at this time and is why I said I CAN'T promise to you I won't repeat that pattern of pulling away from him but I CAN promise it won't happen without putting up the best fight I have in me against it to hold on to the bond tightly use that to set the course make our life choices. And I CAN'T promise you I can win this fight if left to myself to fight it alone... I can only tell you I will fight my damnedest just in case I'm wrong before I act and repeat the same toxic behavior patterns to the situation the choices made in October 2018 have created. But the chances of it happening while he's distracted and happy are much higher than when he's anxious/hurting and I can feel the pull on the bond from him.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the song Happier by Marshmello and Bastille.]